An anti-Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

February 3, 2016 6:20 AM

After months of trying to make a relationship work (and scouring previous AskMes for situations similar to mine), I have started that all-important no contact phase. But what to do on Valentine’s Day? Truth be told, this holiday has always been a disappointment but I feel that given my current situation, the usual feeling of dread I’ve associated with it will escalate to a full-blown breakdown. It’s hard enough to prevent myself from weeping at the barrage of flowers and displays of affection and celebrations I have to witness/participate in as friends and colleagues get married or engaged one after the other. I do not begrudge anybody’s happiness, but seeing other people happily in love feels just a tad self-torturous at this time. I know that I canNOT stay at home on February 14 as that could only mean a day of self-pity and wallowing in my sadness. However, I also do not fancy finding myself in restaurants, the theater, museums, etc. surrounded by couples celebrating the day. Again, I normally take delight in seeing people in love but I’d like to take a wee break from all that. So what could I do in or around NYC in lieu of both scenarios?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (23 answers total)

NYC is huge, surely there are several places that have an anti-valentine theme for the night of the 14th? Check the usual alt weeklies.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:25 AM on February 3, 2016

Do something that is all about you. Book a nice massage, body scrub, soak in a hot tub.
posted by brookeb at 6:56 AM on February 3, 2016 [4 favorites]

Chinese New Year festivities continue into the Valentine's day weekend this year. Check out the local events. There should be a parade on Sunday.
posted by crazycanuck at 6:59 AM on February 3, 2016 [5 favorites]

Find a hotel with a really nice gym, spa, pool. Valentines + end of winter in the Northeast means a big case of the blahs.

If you have any hints of seasonal depression, buy yourself a full spectrum lamp and set it up to get you to March. Then you'll know you have it for next year too.
posted by BibiRose at 7:01 AM on February 3, 2016

In Austin we have a burlesque show on Valentine's.

There are also a lot of "singles mingle" events on Valentine's. Could be fun if you go into it with an open mind.
posted by quincunx at 7:05 AM on February 3, 2016

Make Valentine's Day about YOU. Treat yourself to a trip, being alone and doing things purely for your pleasure. NYC and upstate New York are beautiful and being untethered to appreciate that is an opportunity. I venture to say that giving some love to yourself will let you be less stressed about the pantomine of romance happening around you.
posted by jadepearl at 7:20 AM on February 3, 2016 [7 favorites]

Do you have any single friends? Friendly coworkers, even? I think doing something fun with them would be a good antidote to being miserable that it seems like everybody else is in love. I would do something that you genuinely enjoy and that will make you laugh -- make popcorn and watch your favorite movies together, head to the arcade, play fun board games, that kind of thing. I wouldn't do something specifically anti-V-day, since I think that will just remind you of what you're not doing.
posted by chickenmagazine at 7:25 AM on February 3, 2016 [2 favorites]

Thankfully, it's Sunday this year, so no work, floral shit to deal with.

Poll your friends, see who else is single that weekend, then plan something together. Or go on your own.

My first thought was a retreat, somewhere out in nature.

But you can do a day of activities:

1. Go to church or the Gospel Brunch at Sylvia's in Harlem.

2. Go to a matinee. You live in NYC, see a show. Or see a movie, The Big Short is a good option. Not a love story.

3. Go to a nail salon and get a Mani-Pedi.

4. Go to Chinatown for some more food. A divvy place is best, not likely to be a ton of lovey-dovey couples at Big Wongs.

5. If you saw a show, top off your day with a movie, if you saw a movie, see another movie. Or live music. Me, I'd be ready to go home and watch The Simpsons, but you do you.

So basically, avoiding typical lovey-dovey situations, and distraction.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:31 AM on February 3, 2016 [3 favorites]

Whatever you choose to do, you can do it in excited anticipation of Half-Off Chocolate Day-- my preferred strategy.

In addition to that, I make elaborate valentines to send to my friends and family. They like to get mail, I like to make them, and it helps me focus on the people I love other than a partner.
posted by blnkfrnk at 7:54 AM on February 3, 2016 [6 favorites]

My best V day ever was going to dinner and a club with a friend. I bought a ridiculous short dress at goodwill and danced my ass off. It was a bhangra night, so nobody was coupled up slow dancing.

My friends dug it when I mailed out kiddie valentines a few years ago, it's easy to send out a bunch and could be a nice way to get back in touch with folks.
posted by momus_window at 8:06 AM on February 3, 2016 [3 favorites]

Volunteer somewhere?

Or, on the complete opposite end of the bitterness spectrum - one of my best Valentine's Days was watching First Wives' Club with some single friends while drinking wine and eating ice cream sandwiches.
posted by Owl of Athena at 8:34 AM on February 3, 2016 [2 favorites]

What I used to do was indulge in being the most obnoxious, anti-V-day cynic I could. I would dress in ratty old clothes, watch action movies and blast Love Stinks hourly; basically I channeled my inner tomboy/bratty kid sister and it always ended up being an absolute hoot. I was still out in the world, but mentally I was at the age of, like, nine, where boys still had cooties, and the sight of people being all schmoopie prompted a "god, look at how silly they're acting" emotion in me rather than a "oh woe, I miss that".

Also, just getting out of town for the weekend is another option, especially to a place you've never been before - you will still be running into couples, but you'll be too distracted by "ooh, what's THIS landmark like?" to care. Last year I was in Philadelphia for the weekend, and the morning of Valentine's Day I discovered a restaurant that served chocolate brownie batter pancakes. The lovey-couple brunch rush started up a few minutes after I got there, but I'd already been served, and so I was too caught up in "yeah, loving couples, whatever, I'm eating BROWNIE PANCAKES AND THEY ARE AMAZING." This year I'm going upstate to a tiny little town and the AirBnB place I'm in has an enormous clawfoot bathtub, and so I very well may be having an indoor spa day all day where I bring ALL THE FANCY BATHSTUFF and take a three-hour bubble bath or something. Romance? Feh, I've got Parisian bubble bath and that shower gel that I got in Rome and I've got the strawberry liqueur and a huge bathtub and no one is gonig to be trying to get me out of it so BEAT THAT.

And if all else fails, just remind yourself of the deep discounts on the chocolate the following day.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:35 AM on February 3, 2016 [2 favorites]

What do you usually do on Sunday? I've had great single Valentine's Days where I went to the movies by myself or with a friend group.

If you use your Sunday to get ready for the week ahead, can you do things that are all about Future You, that are gifts to yourself? Make your lunches for the week, plan out your gym schedule, cook up a batch of food to be leftovers on a couple of the nights so that you'll have food made up, see if there's an event on one of the weeknights that you can plan as a treat for yourself.
posted by ldthomps at 8:53 AM on February 3, 2016 [2 favorites]

Find a rescue organization that shelters your favorite type of animal and volunteer to spend the day keeping them company.
posted by _Mona_ at 10:06 AM on February 3, 2016 [1 favorite]

Unpartnered crone here. Since VDay is a Sunday this year, I'll probably spend it going to a movie, listening to music, going to an interesting Meetup, chatting with online friends, maybe doing some volunteer work. Same as any other Sunday of the year. There is nothing inherently special about VDay but you can do things to help make it a good day for yourself.

When I lived in NYC there were numerous opportunities to witness the behavior of people in unhappy relationships. Not suggesting that, but if you choose to go out you'll probably see something that will remind you that there are worse things than being unpartnered.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 10:16 AM on February 3, 2016 [1 favorite]

Last Valentine's Day I went on a "date" with my best friend. We bought each other cards, said nice stuff to each other and got so drunk she passed out on the table. It was a considerable improvement on any Valentine's I had when I was in a relationship. Sadly, this year I have to work. I might still send her a card though.
posted by intensitymultiply at 11:50 AM on February 3, 2016

You know where you won't see happy couples lovingly lavishing each other with thoughtful gifts that Sunday? The Valentine's Day aisle at your local chain pharmacy or gift store.

If you visit one of those places, I believe you will see some very panicked people picking through an absolute wreck of really crappy cards and gifts at the last minute, giving it almost zero thought. Witness the wasteful commercial racket side of Valentine's Day, then laugh and get yourself some steeply discounted chocolates to enjoy on the way to one of the fantastic alternatives suggested above.
posted by juliplease at 1:29 PM on February 3, 2016 [1 favorite]

Why are you allowing some arbitrary date, mostly made up to sell chocolate and greeting cards, to make you feel bad? If you feel like going out, I suggest you make it a pampering day for yourself.
posted by 0cm at 2:41 PM on February 3, 2016

I used to spend most holidays at a yoga retreat in the Colorado mountains. Im sure NY has something similar. A silent retreat might be nice or a meditation retreat.
posted by BoscosMom at 4:50 PM on February 3, 2016 [1 favorite]

Romantic love is just one kind of love! I like to celebrate all the love in my life on Valentine's Day: telling my family I love them, reaching out to my friends, and giving my dog extra scritches.
posted by MrBobinski at 5:28 PM on February 3, 2016 [4 favorites]

I would say two things. One, this is a commercial holiday, which endorses the purchasing of cliched romantic tokens to express 'love' to someone.

Two, things are not always as they seem, especially, in my experience, when people feel they have to show off at work and such about how 'loved' they are.

Anyway, a couple of oblique responses. I empathise with you, but try not to beat yourself up about this.
posted by NatalieWood at 7:04 PM on February 3, 2016

Oooh, girl (or guy), I definitely feel you here. Valentine's Day is a special kind of UGH for me this year because it is the first time I've been single for it in a decade AND it was also my anniversary with said ex. Bummer.

The first and biggest thing is that being single isn't (or shouldn't be) synonymous with being miserable, even on schmoopy love days. Honestly, I'm so much happier being single than I was being in what had become a pretty bad relationship towards the end, and that is a thing I like to remind myself of whenever I feel a good wallow coming on.

I know it's hard to break out of that bad thoughts rut, but it really can be helpful to remind yourself of all of the awesome possibilities that come as a result of not having hitched your wagon to the wrong so-and-so. I'm not saying that's what you do with your ENTIRE Sunday, but taking a moment early on to write a nice list of all of the cool things your single self can do without having to talk it out with a partner first can feel really darn liberating.

Valentine's Day is a terrible time to go out for dinner, period. But if you have a favorite takeout place, getting some of that delivered and doing something fun at home can be a good way to not have to run the gauntlet of couples on dates. I know I always feel better when I've finished a nagging to-do list item, so even though it's not necessarily the most fun, that could be a good way to spend some time on Sunday.

Good luck. I know you can't talk yourself out of feelings, but try not to let this mostly arbitrary holiday get you down. You're worth it!
posted by helloimjennsco at 6:28 AM on February 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

The most efficient way to cope would be to do exactly nothing. Do your routine Sunday activity, then go to bed.

You do realise Valentine's Day is all about consumerism, right?
posted by Kwadeng at 2:26 AM on February 8, 2016