I'm in a rough spot in my relationship. Should I tell my mom?
January 31, 2016 5:17 AM Subscribe
I'm quite close with my mother, and discuss many aspects of my life with her. She is a good sounding board, and has good advice, especially about interpersonal issues. I've been having difficulties in my relationship with my SO for several months now. Would talking to my mother about this be a terrible idea?
My SO and I aren't married, and don't have kids. But we have been together for several years. My parents consider my SO to be part of the family, and my SO's parents consider me to be part of theirs. Our families have even spent some holidays together.
Our relationship difficulties are of the "too good to leave, too bad to stay" variety—no major crises, just a slow accretion of things that have me asking "Is this what I want the rest of my life to look like?" and, over time, divergence on the question of whether marriage and/or kids will be in our future. My SO is aware of my ambivalent feelings. We've been talking about it. It is possible we'll break up; it's possible we'll stay together.
So far, I haven't told my mother (or any family) about any of this, under the assumption that it would be a bad idea (and initially assuming that the trouble would soon pass). But as the months go on, I find myself really wanting to talk to her about it. Right now, this relationship trouble is a huge part of my life, and I feel like I'm hiding it from her. (We do not live near one another, so she hears about my life mostly via phone.) Part of me thinks it would be a relief to talk to her, both so I wouldn't be hiding my turmoil, but also to hear what she thinks. Another part of me, however, worries that talking to my mother about such personal issues could be sowing seeds for further trouble down the road. If I tell her about it, but then work things out with my SO, would it damage their relationship for her to have heard my misgivings? What if I talk to her and she advises me to stick it out when I really want to go, or vice versa?
On the other hand, if I don't tell her, and then my SO and I do break up, would that also be bad, because my parents will be blindsided by my SO's exit from our family, despite not having known there was any trouble at all? (I admit, coming from an extended family with many strong marriages and almost no divorce—and a fair amount of pressure to be married, rather than cohabiting, as SO and I have been doing for some years—I worry about being judged for not staying together, even though my parents are not the judgemental type.)
I do have other outlets to discuss relationship issues (therapy and friends who are my friends alone, not friends of both of us). But none of them are my mother.
My SO and I aren't married, and don't have kids. But we have been together for several years. My parents consider my SO to be part of the family, and my SO's parents consider me to be part of theirs. Our families have even spent some holidays together.
Our relationship difficulties are of the "too good to leave, too bad to stay" variety—no major crises, just a slow accretion of things that have me asking "Is this what I want the rest of my life to look like?" and, over time, divergence on the question of whether marriage and/or kids will be in our future. My SO is aware of my ambivalent feelings. We've been talking about it. It is possible we'll break up; it's possible we'll stay together.
So far, I haven't told my mother (or any family) about any of this, under the assumption that it would be a bad idea (and initially assuming that the trouble would soon pass). But as the months go on, I find myself really wanting to talk to her about it. Right now, this relationship trouble is a huge part of my life, and I feel like I'm hiding it from her. (We do not live near one another, so she hears about my life mostly via phone.) Part of me thinks it would be a relief to talk to her, both so I wouldn't be hiding my turmoil, but also to hear what she thinks. Another part of me, however, worries that talking to my mother about such personal issues could be sowing seeds for further trouble down the road. If I tell her about it, but then work things out with my SO, would it damage their relationship for her to have heard my misgivings? What if I talk to her and she advises me to stick it out when I really want to go, or vice versa?
On the other hand, if I don't tell her, and then my SO and I do break up, would that also be bad, because my parents will be blindsided by my SO's exit from our family, despite not having known there was any trouble at all? (I admit, coming from an extended family with many strong marriages and almost no divorce—and a fair amount of pressure to be married, rather than cohabiting, as SO and I have been doing for some years—I worry about being judged for not staying together, even though my parents are not the judgemental type.)
I do have other outlets to discuss relationship issues (therapy and friends who are my friends alone, not friends of both of us). But none of them are my mother.
Seconding just talk to her. And adding - since you and your mom are close, she probably already 'knows' something is amiss...
posted by PlantGoddess at 5:46 AM on January 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by PlantGoddess at 5:46 AM on January 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
It's a horrible idea. You'll be permanently changing - for the worse - her perception of someone who you might not break up with, and who might become an official member of the family.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 6:03 AM on January 31, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 6:03 AM on January 31, 2016 [11 favorites]
Talk to her. For me the advice is more not to bad mouth your SO to relatives - don't vent about how they are such a horrible person and you can't believe they are such an asshole, etc. Even though you might think thing like that in the heat of the moment when your SO doesn't take out the trash. Or you feel disrespected about something important but fixable.
You don't want to say horrible things to others about your SO and then you stay with them and everyone outside your relationship, who doesn't know all the facts or the work, only your venting, wonders why you are with a jerk who treats you badly. And you wonder why they can't get past things when you have forgiven your SO.
It sounds like you're in a relationship position where you're trying to think through your future. You're not saying your SO is horrible. You're trying to determine where you go next. It's fine, probably really good actually, to talk about those things with people who care about you both. Don't substitute your mom's judgement for your own, but she might have some really useful insights coming from a different perspective on things.
My only further advice is to think through how you'll feel if your mom says "break up" and you wind up working things out with your SO (or vice versa). With some people that would be super awkward, especially if your SO knows, but I think that it something to be conscious of, not something to rule your decision.
posted by cessair at 6:06 AM on January 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
You don't want to say horrible things to others about your SO and then you stay with them and everyone outside your relationship, who doesn't know all the facts or the work, only your venting, wonders why you are with a jerk who treats you badly. And you wonder why they can't get past things when you have forgiven your SO.
It sounds like you're in a relationship position where you're trying to think through your future. You're not saying your SO is horrible. You're trying to determine where you go next. It's fine, probably really good actually, to talk about those things with people who care about you both. Don't substitute your mom's judgement for your own, but she might have some really useful insights coming from a different perspective on things.
My only further advice is to think through how you'll feel if your mom says "break up" and you wind up working things out with your SO (or vice versa). With some people that would be super awkward, especially if your SO knows, but I think that it something to be conscious of, not something to rule your decision.
posted by cessair at 6:06 AM on January 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
I think you should discuss it with your mom. It's only a bad idea if your SO is doing something your family would perceive as being horrible to you. That's not what this is about. What you are experiencing is your own ambivalence and confusion. Discussing this with someone you trust, with someone who may have experience with the same feelings and with someone whom you love and who loves you...there's no down side.
Do remember to be respectful of your SO, now is not the time to vent and complain about stuff. This is more about your feelings and desires.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:17 AM on January 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
Do remember to be respectful of your SO, now is not the time to vent and complain about stuff. This is more about your feelings and desires.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:17 AM on January 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
I'm generally in favor of sharing one's life with one's mom if you're on good terms (and I wish I'd done more of that while mine was alive), but in this specific case, I'd advise against it unless and until you're pretty sure the relationship is over. If you tell her and then you work things out your SO, you will regret it. (This advice applies only if you have other people to talk things over with; if your mom is your only dependable outlet for venting and source of reassurance, then go ahead, but you will still regret it if you don't break up.)
posted by languagehat at 7:01 AM on January 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by languagehat at 7:01 AM on January 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
Part of me thinks it would be a relief to talk to her, both so I wouldn't be hiding my turmoil, but also to hear what she thinks. Another part of me, however, worries that talking to my mother about such personal issues could be sowing seeds for further trouble down the road. If I tell her about it, but then work things out with my SO, would it damage their relationship for her to have heard my misgivings? "
These are all valid thoughts and concerns. Personally I would start with "I'm really stressed because we're in a bit of a rough patch." Anyone who's been married for any length of time knows rough patches come and go, and she can certain offer you sympathy and understanding about that part without needing to know the details, and rough patches don't really need "fault" assigned to them. It may help you a lot just to know that she knows that you're in that rough patch and emotionally up and down, without needing her to know any specifics of what's causing the rough patch. Just having her know your EMOTIONS I think will help you feel more known and less hidden, and less like you're dissembling or lying or keeping up a false front.
You have plenty of time to graduate to specifics in the future if it turns out NOT to be the sort of thing you can work out with your SO. So start with just opening up about your emotional state to your mother, to narrow that obviously painful for you separation between your life as it is and you're life as you're presenting it to her. I think that will help a lot.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:14 AM on January 31, 2016 [17 favorites]
These are all valid thoughts and concerns. Personally I would start with "I'm really stressed because we're in a bit of a rough patch." Anyone who's been married for any length of time knows rough patches come and go, and she can certain offer you sympathy and understanding about that part without needing to know the details, and rough patches don't really need "fault" assigned to them. It may help you a lot just to know that she knows that you're in that rough patch and emotionally up and down, without needing her to know any specifics of what's causing the rough patch. Just having her know your EMOTIONS I think will help you feel more known and less hidden, and less like you're dissembling or lying or keeping up a false front.
You have plenty of time to graduate to specifics in the future if it turns out NOT to be the sort of thing you can work out with your SO. So start with just opening up about your emotional state to your mother, to narrow that obviously painful for you separation between your life as it is and you're life as you're presenting it to her. I think that will help a lot.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:14 AM on January 31, 2016 [17 favorites]
Your description of your relationship with your mother leads me to think that you can and should discuss this with her. In thr past she has provided good life advice and has been a good listener, and you need both of those things now. Don't worry about creating problems in her friendship woth your SO -- a person of her description (a) already knows that people are complicated and won't immediately switch from affection to contempt based on a single conversation with you and (b) has formed and will continue to form her opinion of your SO based on her experience and not solely on your description of good times / bad times.
Remember that your mother has gone through relationship difficulties herself -- we all have -- and knows that it's not all sunshine and roses. She can provide you with the benefit of her perspective. And no matter how much she loves your SO, she loves you more. She wants your happiness above all. She will support you in your decision to stay, recognizing that relationships are sometimes hard and need to have the kinks worked out, or in your decision to end the relationship if you determine that leaving is the right choice.
posted by janey47 at 7:22 AM on January 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
Remember that your mother has gone through relationship difficulties herself -- we all have -- and knows that it's not all sunshine and roses. She can provide you with the benefit of her perspective. And no matter how much she loves your SO, she loves you more. She wants your happiness above all. She will support you in your decision to stay, recognizing that relationships are sometimes hard and need to have the kinks worked out, or in your decision to end the relationship if you determine that leaving is the right choice.
posted by janey47 at 7:22 AM on January 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
Talk to your mom. Your question reads like your heart is pulling you to talk to her, and you don't include anything remotely toxic about your mother.
My mother was my only confidant during my "too good to leave, too bad to stay" relationship. While she was saddened because she cared about my ex, she never took it out on him. And once I told her I felt so much better and drew strength to move on.
If you need another sympathetic ear, MeMail me.
posted by kimberussell at 7:24 AM on January 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
My mother was my only confidant during my "too good to leave, too bad to stay" relationship. While she was saddened because she cared about my ex, she never took it out on him. And once I told her I felt so much better and drew strength to move on.
If you need another sympathetic ear, MeMail me.
posted by kimberussell at 7:24 AM on January 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
Oh, good God, talk to her. It sounds like you have a good, healthy relationship. She can probably tell something's amiss and it'll be a great relief for both of you to discuss it openly. It's not disrespectful to your partner to do so. The idea that there's some kind of expectation for her to be a completely impartial arbiter is a weird one. She may love your SO as family, but you are her child. She is Team You. Your mother sounds like a level-headed person. She knows relationships evolve and change and draw to a close, if that ends up being what you decide to do. And if you end up working out the situation in your relationship in such a way that you stay together, it sounds overwhelmingly likely that she'll be happy as long as you're happy.
I had a similar "should I go/stay" situation last year with a long-term partner, where ambivalence about marriage and kids were also on the table, and I resisted discussing the particulars with my mom for a loooong time for all the same reasons you mention. I should have talked to her sooner; her reaction and perspective added another layer of clarity that helped me figure out what to do.
Memail me if you want another sounding board.
posted by superfluousm at 7:36 AM on January 31, 2016 [8 favorites]
I had a similar "should I go/stay" situation last year with a long-term partner, where ambivalence about marriage and kids were also on the table, and I resisted discussing the particulars with my mom for a loooong time for all the same reasons you mention. I should have talked to her sooner; her reaction and perspective added another layer of clarity that helped me figure out what to do.
Memail me if you want another sounding board.
posted by superfluousm at 7:36 AM on January 31, 2016 [8 favorites]
It would be one thing if the issue you were facing was that your SO had done something horrible like cheating on you -- that is something that can be overcome within the relationship but is really hard to make friends and relatives forget. But it sounds like the worst thing your SO has "done" is possibly maybe not be 100% compatible with you in the long term.
Everyone in a stable long term relationship has been through periods of wondering this. It would take an incredibly hypocrite (and it really doesn't sound like your mom is one!) to let a conversation about that sour you on a person forever who is already considered "part of the family."
I say have the conversation.
posted by telegraph at 8:00 AM on January 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
Everyone in a stable long term relationship has been through periods of wondering this. It would take an incredibly hypocrite (and it really doesn't sound like your mom is one!) to let a conversation about that sour you on a person forever who is already considered "part of the family."
I say have the conversation.
posted by telegraph at 8:00 AM on January 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
Of course talk to her. Of course. She may have good advice for you; but even if not, she loves you unconditionally and knows you very well and that is always a comfort.
(Don't worry about damaging "their" relationship. It only exists as a function of your relationship with him and with her. She wants you to be happy. If you guys work things out, it'll be fine. If not, it won't matter, and what will matter is that she'll be better equipped to help you heal because she has some context.)
(Incidentally, I'm not even sure me and my husband's excellent marriage would have happened, but for various pieces of outstanding advice given to me by my father and my brother years ago when I was confused and unsure of what to do.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:03 AM on January 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
(Don't worry about damaging "their" relationship. It only exists as a function of your relationship with him and with her. She wants you to be happy. If you guys work things out, it'll be fine. If not, it won't matter, and what will matter is that she'll be better equipped to help you heal because she has some context.)
(Incidentally, I'm not even sure me and my husband's excellent marriage would have happened, but for various pieces of outstanding advice given to me by my father and my brother years ago when I was confused and unsure of what to do.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:03 AM on January 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
My mom has made clear that she will always be on my court if push comes to shove. Yet her advice is always level headed and focussed on making my relationships work. She listens more than she talks and provides lots of sympathy.
She knows a lot about my marriage and is always cordial and discrete towards my husband.
Your mom sounds similar. Talk to her. I'm so glad my mom has my back!
posted by Omnomnom at 8:23 AM on January 31, 2016
She knows a lot about my marriage and is always cordial and discrete towards my husband.
Your mom sounds similar. Talk to her. I'm so glad my mom has my back!
posted by Omnomnom at 8:23 AM on January 31, 2016
I would caution on one thing only.
Be aware she may say things about her life which will be just as surprising to you.
One of the nice things about growing older is your parents becoming your friends as well as your parents.
As for your fears, I think you answered it yourself.
"my parents are not the judgemental type"
posted by fullerine at 9:32 AM on January 31, 2016
Be aware she may say things about her life which will be just as surprising to you.
One of the nice things about growing older is your parents becoming your friends as well as your parents.
As for your fears, I think you answered it yourself.
"my parents are not the judgemental type"
posted by fullerine at 9:32 AM on January 31, 2016
It depends on your mom. If she is the type to hold on to this for years to come, or to forever see your relationship with your SO in this light no matter what happens between the two of you then I wouldn't talk to her. If she understands that relationships have seasons and phases and can leave things in the past then of course tell her. I'm sensing that she is in the latter camp but you know her best!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:05 AM on January 31, 2016
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:05 AM on January 31, 2016
What might happen if you talk with your mother? Here are some wise responses she might give; think about them before you talk with her about the relationship:
"Is this what your want the rest of your life to be like?" And you're already asking yourself the same question.
"If you knew SO would never significantly change, would you stay with them?"
"I will support you in whatever you choose, and please put yourself first."
"What is stopping you from breaking up?"
If you do talk to her, make up your mind not to make her a sounding board repeatedly about the same issues. That's just venting, and she'll end up feeling very bad for your situation and unable to help. This isn't a good role for anyone who loves you.
Talk about your feelings -- don't just tell her the various hurtful, selfish things SO does. Make yourself the focus. Aim for solutions. If you just unload about everything that's not good in the relationship, she's going to be angry with your SO and that will taint her interactions with him even if things get better.
If talking with your mother is a first step in making changes, that's a good thing.
posted by wryly at 12:02 PM on January 31, 2016
"Is this what your want the rest of your life to be like?" And you're already asking yourself the same question.
"If you knew SO would never significantly change, would you stay with them?"
"I will support you in whatever you choose, and please put yourself first."
"What is stopping you from breaking up?"
If you do talk to her, make up your mind not to make her a sounding board repeatedly about the same issues. That's just venting, and she'll end up feeling very bad for your situation and unable to help. This isn't a good role for anyone who loves you.
Talk about your feelings -- don't just tell her the various hurtful, selfish things SO does. Make yourself the focus. Aim for solutions. If you just unload about everything that's not good in the relationship, she's going to be angry with your SO and that will taint her interactions with him even if things get better.
If talking with your mother is a first step in making changes, that's a good thing.
posted by wryly at 12:02 PM on January 31, 2016
When I did this, it didn't help me, it hurt my mom, and I strongly wish I had never told her. She was extremely supportive and non-judgmental, but it still didn't help. But one thing I have learned as I've gotten older is that it has NEVER helped me to talk about something with someone else, whether they be a family member or a therapist--I don't know why I keep trying--, so if you get something out of that, I don't know.
posted by Violet Hour at 1:42 PM on January 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Violet Hour at 1:42 PM on January 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
If you think your mom can roll with things as they happen (as a lot of moms/people can and do), I might veer towards telling her.
(Reasons, imo, to be communicative at a gist level, but perhaps more *selective* about detailed information: a) being in a truly messed-up relationship that you are not really prepared to leave - that would leave her holding a world of hurt she couldn't do anything about; b) mom being physically or mentally unwell; c) mom not being able to roll with things, adapt, etc. In those cases would suggest therapy & other 3rd party help.)
However:
I admit, coming from an extended family with many strong marriages and almost no divorce—and a fair amount of pressure to be married, rather than cohabiting, as SO and I have been doing for some years—I worry about being judged for not staying together, even though my parents are not the judgemental type.
Can you elaborate on this? The following is coming from some assumptions I'm making, which could all be wrong. Apologies if so.
If, in your heart of hearts, you know the best and most right thing for you to do is leave, but you're on the fence and need to talk your way off it, and you think you could be persuaded against leaving, and you typically lean on mom's advice and don't trust your own judgement, would go with your gut + 3rd party conversations with people who believe there are many ways of living. I'm making some huge assumptions here, so clarification would be helpful.
Also would like clarification on this - why does your mom believe marriage > cohabitation? Is it because she thinks cohabitating is a way of rationalizing well-founded hesitation? Do you have such hesitations and think they're valid? Question for yourself: what do you think your mom would say about that?
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:20 PM on January 31, 2016
(Reasons, imo, to be communicative at a gist level, but perhaps more *selective* about detailed information: a) being in a truly messed-up relationship that you are not really prepared to leave - that would leave her holding a world of hurt she couldn't do anything about; b) mom being physically or mentally unwell; c) mom not being able to roll with things, adapt, etc. In those cases would suggest therapy & other 3rd party help.)
However:
I admit, coming from an extended family with many strong marriages and almost no divorce—and a fair amount of pressure to be married, rather than cohabiting, as SO and I have been doing for some years—I worry about being judged for not staying together, even though my parents are not the judgemental type.
Can you elaborate on this? The following is coming from some assumptions I'm making, which could all be wrong. Apologies if so.
If, in your heart of hearts, you know the best and most right thing for you to do is leave, but you're on the fence and need to talk your way off it, and you think you could be persuaded against leaving, and you typically lean on mom's advice and don't trust your own judgement, would go with your gut + 3rd party conversations with people who believe there are many ways of living. I'm making some huge assumptions here, so clarification would be helpful.
Also would like clarification on this - why does your mom believe marriage > cohabitation? Is it because she thinks cohabitating is a way of rationalizing well-founded hesitation? Do you have such hesitations and think they're valid? Question for yourself: what do you think your mom would say about that?
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:20 PM on January 31, 2016
I wouldn't worry about blindsiding your parents if you eventually split up and don't talk to them about it in advance. Hopefully they'll be supportive and there will be plenty of time to explain. So don't talk to your mom for her sake.
As for whether it's a good idea to tell her for your own sake, because you want to talk things over with her, do you think she will judge your SO and hold this against them? Or do you think she will be able to compartmentalize and keep what you say out of her feelings for SO? I realize this is part of what you're asking us, but... I don't know your mom. Personally I would never tell my mom something like this but I know she would judge the hell out of me, my SO, and our relationship now and forevermore. On the other hand, I would talk to my MIL about relationship problems (that is, if she were my mom, but not in real life because I'd be complaining about her son) because I think she would be compassionate without holding a grudge against my SO or questioning our relationship if we chose to stay together. I think this about her because she does her best to respect the decisions we make without offering unsolicited opinions or advice.
posted by chickenmagazine at 7:32 PM on January 31, 2016
As for whether it's a good idea to tell her for your own sake, because you want to talk things over with her, do you think she will judge your SO and hold this against them? Or do you think she will be able to compartmentalize and keep what you say out of her feelings for SO? I realize this is part of what you're asking us, but... I don't know your mom. Personally I would never tell my mom something like this but I know she would judge the hell out of me, my SO, and our relationship now and forevermore. On the other hand, I would talk to my MIL about relationship problems (that is, if she were my mom, but not in real life because I'd be complaining about her son) because I think she would be compassionate without holding a grudge against my SO or questioning our relationship if we chose to stay together. I think this about her because she does her best to respect the decisions we make without offering unsolicited opinions or advice.
posted by chickenmagazine at 7:32 PM on January 31, 2016
I think you can talk to her about it, but being your mother (and being close) bear in mind that as others have noted, she will be somewhat protective of you and there is a chance this could color her perception of your SO.
That said, this may actually be a good thing. Don't just go to her to complain, but share progress. What have you tried? What has he tried? What's working? What's not working? And if things start to improve, share that! And if he's coming to the relationship with solutions and better relationship management, definitely share that! And if she's starting to get a bad impression of him because he's not pulling his weight and nothing is getting better... well, it's not your mother you need to worry about.
posted by like_neon at 6:15 AM on February 1, 2016
That said, this may actually be a good thing. Don't just go to her to complain, but share progress. What have you tried? What has he tried? What's working? What's not working? And if things start to improve, share that! And if he's coming to the relationship with solutions and better relationship management, definitely share that! And if she's starting to get a bad impression of him because he's not pulling his weight and nothing is getting better... well, it's not your mother you need to worry about.
posted by like_neon at 6:15 AM on February 1, 2016
Definitely talk to her. I would say this is a bad idea if you have a bad dynamic with your mom and/or if you know she's the type of person who would hold a grudge against your SO. But since you don't indicate those things, and since it sounds like you really WANT to talk to her, I would go for it. FWIW, I have definitely asked my mom for relationship advice and talked about relationship difficulties with her, and it has always been a comforting and productive thing with no terrible regrets.
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:03 AM on February 1, 2016
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:03 AM on February 1, 2016
I had a benefit of talking to my mom about relationship issues because I think as my partner and I worked through our differences and miscommunications it helped her to see we were really taking things seriously and that I was trying to really make the right decision, not stay with him just by default. But my mom has also been known to say things like "thirty is a good age for a first marriage" and "25 is too young to get married, you don't even know who you are yet" so it may be a very different set of values. Either way, though, relationships where you acknowledge difficulties and work to improve them are stronger - especially if you do it without bitterness or bad-mouthing.
I'd be comfortable with "I'm just not sure if I want kids and it's hard for me to know where we're going because of that". I'd be more leery about "I would love to give you grandkids like you've been asking, mom, but my partner is really against so we probably won't" -- you have to be aware of risk of making him "the bad guy".
posted by Lady Li at 10:11 AM on February 1, 2016
I'd be comfortable with "I'm just not sure if I want kids and it's hard for me to know where we're going because of that". I'd be more leery about "I would love to give you grandkids like you've been asking, mom, but my partner is really against so we probably won't" -- you have to be aware of risk of making him "the bad guy".
posted by Lady Li at 10:11 AM on February 1, 2016
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posted by ELind at 5:41 AM on January 31, 2016 [10 favorites]