How to pay attention to people and not their status?
January 28, 2016 6:09 AM Subscribe
26+ years of high power distance in my home country are really affecting my relationships with people whom I perceive as having higher status. Having moved to Western Europe, I can see the negative influence even better, and I'm not happy. Please help.
Following a therapy session and some soul-searching on my own, I realized I have a big problem with authority and power imbalance, even in benign situations. I become timid and uncertain and can't get past the feeling that I'm being evaluated and the other person is just waiting for me to fail. Needless to say, I don't perform well under that kind of pressure - even if it is imaginary. The problem is, this extends to any person who appears to have more power than myself - not just, say, a boss at work.
For the most part, it's a culture thing, with a dash of some negative personal experience. I recently moved to Western Europe (doing a postgrad course), originally from an Eastern European culture with high power distance. I've never worked for an international company, and this is my first experience of living abroad, although, as a tourist, I've travelled a lot.
Quite a few of my school teachers and college professors back home were verbally abusive towards students, and I can recall a few who would make Snape look like a nice, friendly guy. I was often the object of their jibes because I was one of the top students and I guess they didn't want me to think too much of myself.
Not much better at work - in both my jobs, the word of The Boss was the law. Like, once we were launching a completely disastrous project, and I could see it wasn't good. Nobody else really cared, so I wanted to talk to a senior manager about it, but was told by my manager to just leave it, because that project was what the senior manager wanted.
Although the cultural norms are gradually changing, the role of a subordinate in my home country is still to be respectful, listen and not talk back too much. At its best, it comes in the form of patriarchy, when your boss decides what's appropriate or best for you (especially if the age gap is big enough). At its worst, it's abusive.
I hate how I feel about it. Rationally, I don't think people with more power are any better than me - sure, they deserve respect, like anyone, but I think that any respect above simply respecting them as human beings should be based on their character or achievements. I want to be able to be myself, and challenge them if necessary.
But I still can't shake the ingrained desire to be liked and approved by them, and I hate that it's there in the first place.
What I'm looking for is some pointers about what to read about understanding and dealing with this, because I don't know where to start. Popular psychology articles and books are ok, but if you can suggest something from social psychology or anthropology, that'd be amazing.
Also, if anyone has had a similar experience, I'd love to hear how you've coped.
Following a therapy session and some soul-searching on my own, I realized I have a big problem with authority and power imbalance, even in benign situations. I become timid and uncertain and can't get past the feeling that I'm being evaluated and the other person is just waiting for me to fail. Needless to say, I don't perform well under that kind of pressure - even if it is imaginary. The problem is, this extends to any person who appears to have more power than myself - not just, say, a boss at work.
For the most part, it's a culture thing, with a dash of some negative personal experience. I recently moved to Western Europe (doing a postgrad course), originally from an Eastern European culture with high power distance. I've never worked for an international company, and this is my first experience of living abroad, although, as a tourist, I've travelled a lot.
Quite a few of my school teachers and college professors back home were verbally abusive towards students, and I can recall a few who would make Snape look like a nice, friendly guy. I was often the object of their jibes because I was one of the top students and I guess they didn't want me to think too much of myself.
Not much better at work - in both my jobs, the word of The Boss was the law. Like, once we were launching a completely disastrous project, and I could see it wasn't good. Nobody else really cared, so I wanted to talk to a senior manager about it, but was told by my manager to just leave it, because that project was what the senior manager wanted.
Although the cultural norms are gradually changing, the role of a subordinate in my home country is still to be respectful, listen and not talk back too much. At its best, it comes in the form of patriarchy, when your boss decides what's appropriate or best for you (especially if the age gap is big enough). At its worst, it's abusive.
I hate how I feel about it. Rationally, I don't think people with more power are any better than me - sure, they deserve respect, like anyone, but I think that any respect above simply respecting them as human beings should be based on their character or achievements. I want to be able to be myself, and challenge them if necessary.
But I still can't shake the ingrained desire to be liked and approved by them, and I hate that it's there in the first place.
What I'm looking for is some pointers about what to read about understanding and dealing with this, because I don't know where to start. Popular psychology articles and books are ok, but if you can suggest something from social psychology or anthropology, that'd be amazing.
Also, if anyone has had a similar experience, I'd love to hear how you've coped.
I definitely suffer from this, and one of the exercises my therapist gave me a few years ago was to humanize the authority figures as much as possible. The main way I still try to do this is to find places I find very "human," such as talking about their pets or their kids or some TV show they like, something upon which there is no power imbalance between the two of us, and try to feel more relaxed in that interaction.
posted by xingcat at 6:44 AM on January 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 6:44 AM on January 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
You describe how I have often felt about figures of status an authority who are in a superior position to me -- bosses particularly.
xingcat has it absolutely right: humanising them helps.
For example, when I was called upon to shoot press headshots of my (now ex-) employer, a man who was revered by many people in the company but was also well known for being able to tear a strip or two off you should he be unhappy, the only way I could get over my fear of him was to realise that everyone, no matter how rich or powerful, is vulnerable in front of the camera. So I talked about his non-work interests with him, the same way I would with any other client. And I told jokes. And oddly enough, the moment that made the best image was right after I said "it's okay relax and laugh at my fucking jokes, you know."
Anyway, my point is to find something that you can connect about and talk about that.
posted by gmb at 7:30 AM on January 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
xingcat has it absolutely right: humanising them helps.
For example, when I was called upon to shoot press headshots of my (now ex-) employer, a man who was revered by many people in the company but was also well known for being able to tear a strip or two off you should he be unhappy, the only way I could get over my fear of him was to realise that everyone, no matter how rich or powerful, is vulnerable in front of the camera. So I talked about his non-work interests with him, the same way I would with any other client. And I told jokes. And oddly enough, the moment that made the best image was right after I said "it's okay relax and laugh at my fucking jokes, you know."
Anyway, my point is to find something that you can connect about and talk about that.
posted by gmb at 7:30 AM on January 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
3rding xingcat's suggestion of humanizing your bosses as a way of demystifying what they do and how much authority they hold. For me, there were two key aspects to this:
1. I found a manager who was willing to mentor me, part of which involved walking me through his thought processes for making important decisions. When he had a timeline to create or workplans to develop, he'd sit me down and discuss why he made the choices he did, what he was still uncertain about, and how he was going to try to deal with those points of uncertainties. He also pointed out places where things hadn't gone the way he was expecting, and discussed how he was working on those. This really helped shake my idea that leadership was about Always Being Right - a good leader acknowledges risks and missteps so they can be addressed.
2. I had the opportunity to be in leadership positions myself - first as a project manager, and later as a college instructor. At first I was shocked that anybody would "let" me be in such positions since hey, I was just me and not some sort of special being with Absolute Vision and Power - but being in those roles really helped me realize that everyone in a lead position was in the same boat.
Together, both of these helped me to see that authority figures really are just people, and what they do isn't magic or infallible. Just like anybody else, they make decisions and try to do their best based on what they know and think, but that's truly all they're doing - trying their best (and ideally, working towards the best for their people as well as their project goals). If there is anybody in a position of authority that you could ask to mentor you and talk you through some of the things they do, I think this will go a long way towards helping you see that leaders really are just people.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:33 AM on January 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
1. I found a manager who was willing to mentor me, part of which involved walking me through his thought processes for making important decisions. When he had a timeline to create or workplans to develop, he'd sit me down and discuss why he made the choices he did, what he was still uncertain about, and how he was going to try to deal with those points of uncertainties. He also pointed out places where things hadn't gone the way he was expecting, and discussed how he was working on those. This really helped shake my idea that leadership was about Always Being Right - a good leader acknowledges risks and missteps so they can be addressed.
2. I had the opportunity to be in leadership positions myself - first as a project manager, and later as a college instructor. At first I was shocked that anybody would "let" me be in such positions since hey, I was just me and not some sort of special being with Absolute Vision and Power - but being in those roles really helped me realize that everyone in a lead position was in the same boat.
Together, both of these helped me to see that authority figures really are just people, and what they do isn't magic or infallible. Just like anybody else, they make decisions and try to do their best based on what they know and think, but that's truly all they're doing - trying their best (and ideally, working towards the best for their people as well as their project goals). If there is anybody in a position of authority that you could ask to mentor you and talk you through some of the things they do, I think this will go a long way towards helping you see that leaders really are just people.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:33 AM on January 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
I still can't shake the ingrained desire to be liked and approved by them
Many leaders would approve of you more if you came forward and pointed out issues with a plan.
posted by yohko at 10:23 AM on January 28, 2016
Many leaders would approve of you more if you came forward and pointed out issues with a plan.
posted by yohko at 10:23 AM on January 28, 2016
Many leaders would approve of you more if you came forward and pointed out issues with a plan.
Many, but definitely not all. Tune your ability to read those in power to see how they respond to unsolicited feedback.
posted by NoRelationToLea at 11:59 AM on January 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Many, but definitely not all. Tune your ability to read those in power to see how they respond to unsolicited feedback.
posted by NoRelationToLea at 11:59 AM on January 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
You might be interested in reading a book called "When heaven and earth changed places." It is a memoir of a woman who left war torn Vietnam and moved to the U.S. I have never read the book, but did read the cover of it. My understanding is that the title refers to going someplace without war and struggling to come to terms with this being reality and that she was actually safe from the horrors of war.
You might try spending time away from people. Go for long walks in the woods. Experience yourself in relation to The World, minus all the ideas of other people and the need to deal with their expectations.
You might try reading autobiographies and collecting personal stories about a wide variety of people. Rich people are still human. Some of them "have dozens of friends and the fun never ends -- that is as long as I'm buying." My experience has been that people who nominally have power and are abusive and lord it over others are typically compensating for insecurity. Some of them have been shaped by terrible experiences themselves. Underneath it, they are as insecure as you feel and they cling to their title, hide behind their desk and so forth to cover it. Their social power is a security blanket.
We all live precarious lives. None of us is immune from anything. Presidents get assassinated. Roman emperors were sometimes killed by their own guard when their behavior was bad enough. So, sometimes, the power you see people as having over you is not at all how they see it. Sometimes, they feel they are desperately trying to keep it together and are scared because they ultimately cannot make anyone do anything and they know it. When underlings fail, it makes the boss look bad. They try to control you because they fear what your failure will do to them.
People trying to control people based on fear tend to be pretty afraid themselves. I do not envy such people.
posted by Michele in California at 12:30 PM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
You might try spending time away from people. Go for long walks in the woods. Experience yourself in relation to The World, minus all the ideas of other people and the need to deal with their expectations.
You might try reading autobiographies and collecting personal stories about a wide variety of people. Rich people are still human. Some of them "have dozens of friends and the fun never ends -- that is as long as I'm buying." My experience has been that people who nominally have power and are abusive and lord it over others are typically compensating for insecurity. Some of them have been shaped by terrible experiences themselves. Underneath it, they are as insecure as you feel and they cling to their title, hide behind their desk and so forth to cover it. Their social power is a security blanket.
We all live precarious lives. None of us is immune from anything. Presidents get assassinated. Roman emperors were sometimes killed by their own guard when their behavior was bad enough. So, sometimes, the power you see people as having over you is not at all how they see it. Sometimes, they feel they are desperately trying to keep it together and are scared because they ultimately cannot make anyone do anything and they know it. When underlings fail, it makes the boss look bad. They try to control you because they fear what your failure will do to them.
People trying to control people based on fear tend to be pretty afraid themselves. I do not envy such people.
posted by Michele in California at 12:30 PM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
My Dad is a cross-cultural psychologist specializing in cross-cultural competency. He's trained Foreign Service and CIA officers, and done workshops for multinational companies. I posed your question to him. Here's his thoughts:
1) Academic papers, how-to books, training manuals, etc are written mostly for management. Very little is written or researched with lower level employees in mind.
2) Re talking directly/openly with your superiors, ie saying what you've written here: there's a very real chance that your manager(s) will have no idea what you're talking about. Unless they've had some cross-cultural training, they probably won't know how to talk about this stuff because they've never had to talk about this stuff
3) Cultural competency is not something you can do alone, or with just a therapist. A therapist might be able to help you come up with some specific skills you want to develop, but you have to practice them in context, with people you feel you can learn from.
4) Big picture, your goal is to find or create a safe context in which people can constantly debrief you and give you feedback about how you're communicating. This is crucial, but, office politics and gossip being what they are, it may not be wise to confide in coworkers
You may need to find a network of people outside of work, which can be very hard.
5) Be very patient with yourself. You have 26+ years of cultural conditioning. It's going to take a long time to unlearn such hard-wired ways of thinking and acting
posted by BadgerDoctor at 6:09 PM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
1) Academic papers, how-to books, training manuals, etc are written mostly for management. Very little is written or researched with lower level employees in mind.
2) Re talking directly/openly with your superiors, ie saying what you've written here: there's a very real chance that your manager(s) will have no idea what you're talking about. Unless they've had some cross-cultural training, they probably won't know how to talk about this stuff because they've never had to talk about this stuff
3) Cultural competency is not something you can do alone, or with just a therapist. A therapist might be able to help you come up with some specific skills you want to develop, but you have to practice them in context, with people you feel you can learn from.
4) Big picture, your goal is to find or create a safe context in which people can constantly debrief you and give you feedback about how you're communicating. This is crucial, but, office politics and gossip being what they are, it may not be wise to confide in coworkers
You may need to find a network of people outside of work, which can be very hard.
5) Be very patient with yourself. You have 26+ years of cultural conditioning. It's going to take a long time to unlearn such hard-wired ways of thinking and acting
posted by BadgerDoctor at 6:09 PM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
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This means I don't wholly disregard status in professional contexts - I moved to a somewhat more egalitarian culture, not a utopia - but I pay attention to it in a more strategic and limited way.
In my opinion, how you manage considerations of status is context-specific and depends on what you both want from the specific interaction.
For example, if the person is my mentor or my colleague, and we're interacting on an equalish footing, being overly deferential is actually damaging because it makes it hard for either of us to relax (and relaxed conversation/friendliness is the point of the exercise). On the other hand, if it's a professional decision-making context, where they have final say about what happens and are personally invested in it - as with the terrible project that your senior manager wanted to pursue - it makes sense to be more cautious. In that type of scenario, I would raise problems in as neutral and specific a manner as possible and acknowledge their decision-making authority ('if we do X, Y might happen. I could try Z to solve that, but then A, B, C could happen. What do you think?') But, again, if the goal of the professional interaction is for the best outcome to actually be reached - for problems to actually be solved - timidity and anxiety on your part will prevent that from being achieved.
So I think that it's more useful to think about what concrete outcome you want from an interaction, and how to get it, than it is to think in terms of either "do they like me?" or "I don't care what they think!" Your ultimate value doesn't derive from where you stand in a power hierarchy. A power hierarchy is just something to be taken into account sometimes, in some limited situations.
posted by Aravis76 at 6:42 AM on January 28, 2016 [5 favorites]