Getting separated, need a lawyer, have no idea how to find a good one
January 10, 2016 8:36 PM Subscribe
I am a Torontonian in the process of separating from my common-in-law wife. It's been mostly amicable. We've known for a while things weren't working and I finally made the decision late last year. I need to find a lawyer to possibly help with the separation details and also to help if we get to the point where custody becomes an issue.
We've lived under the same (jointly owned) roof since then, partially to provide some stability for our kids but mostly for financial reasons; neither of us could afford to rent on our own at the time. I recently took a very well paying job and can now afford to cover the cost of renting a place big enough for myself and my two kids, so I found a place and am finally moving out at some point this month.
My ex- isn't in such a good financial position. She still makes decent money but is pretty concerned about being able to afford rent on her own. We currently own but the bank won't refinance our mortgage (up in the middle of this year) for just my ex-, and I've no interest in keeping the house. This is in part because I know we will make money selling it, and also because I'm the one moving out first. It's not completely off the table, though, if it turns out that keeping it is a better idea in the long run.
For now, custody will be split (probably weekly) but because my ex- may be forced to move out of Toronto (and possibly out of the province) the issue of custody may become a huge problem. Also, I may want to relocate at some point to the US - there's no plan, but it's something I've considered. If either of those scenarios happen I'm going to file for full custody. There are many reasons, but the two key ones are: I don't want to be separated from my kids, and I believe they would be better off with me. I've been the primary parent since my eldest was born, covering all of the nights for both kids for over 7 years as my ex- suffers from depression and was unable to handle nights on her own. As well I do the vast majority of the cooking and the cleaning. She still can't do nights and there are a number of other fairly major issues that in my mind make me the better one to have the majority (10 months vs. 2 months) of custody.
As I said it's been mostly pretty amicable but I know as soon as the custody issue comes up all bets are off.
So I definitely need help navigating a separation agreement to start and possibly a custody battle in the future. I know I need a lawyer pretty quickly, but I have no idea where to start and how to find someone I can trust. As I mentioned I live in Toronto so I assume my best option is to find someone local, but I don't know how you're supposed to determine if a particular lawyer is a good fit or not, so any help or advice is really appreciated.
We've lived under the same (jointly owned) roof since then, partially to provide some stability for our kids but mostly for financial reasons; neither of us could afford to rent on our own at the time. I recently took a very well paying job and can now afford to cover the cost of renting a place big enough for myself and my two kids, so I found a place and am finally moving out at some point this month.
My ex- isn't in such a good financial position. She still makes decent money but is pretty concerned about being able to afford rent on her own. We currently own but the bank won't refinance our mortgage (up in the middle of this year) for just my ex-, and I've no interest in keeping the house. This is in part because I know we will make money selling it, and also because I'm the one moving out first. It's not completely off the table, though, if it turns out that keeping it is a better idea in the long run.
For now, custody will be split (probably weekly) but because my ex- may be forced to move out of Toronto (and possibly out of the province) the issue of custody may become a huge problem. Also, I may want to relocate at some point to the US - there's no plan, but it's something I've considered. If either of those scenarios happen I'm going to file for full custody. There are many reasons, but the two key ones are: I don't want to be separated from my kids, and I believe they would be better off with me. I've been the primary parent since my eldest was born, covering all of the nights for both kids for over 7 years as my ex- suffers from depression and was unable to handle nights on her own. As well I do the vast majority of the cooking and the cleaning. She still can't do nights and there are a number of other fairly major issues that in my mind make me the better one to have the majority (10 months vs. 2 months) of custody.
As I said it's been mostly pretty amicable but I know as soon as the custody issue comes up all bets are off.
So I definitely need help navigating a separation agreement to start and possibly a custody battle in the future. I know I need a lawyer pretty quickly, but I have no idea where to start and how to find someone I can trust. As I mentioned I live in Toronto so I assume my best option is to find someone local, but I don't know how you're supposed to determine if a particular lawyer is a good fit or not, so any help or advice is really appreciated.
FWIW a friend of mine in Toronto used Victoria Smith and does not recommend her. If you end up considering her, you can memail me for my friend's story if you want.
posted by Susan PG at 10:41 PM on January 10, 2016
posted by Susan PG at 10:41 PM on January 10, 2016
To find a lawyer, you can ask a friend, acquaintance or co-worker who you know has been divorced (whether common-law or traditional marriage). A co-worker might be a better since they won`t be in the same social circle as you. Since you have just started a new job, maybe reach out to someone you used you work with. I found a lawyer by contacting a firm that handled some civil litigation for me. I was referred to that firm by my real estate lawyer since the litigation resulted from a real estate deal. Lawyers know other lawyers, so maybe start by asking a lawyer you know for a recommendation.
To pick a lawyer, you go in and talk with them for an hour to get a feel for how you get along.
posted by TORunner at 5:46 AM on January 11, 2016
To pick a lawyer, you go in and talk with them for an hour to get a feel for how you get along.
posted by TORunner at 5:46 AM on January 11, 2016
To pick a lawyer, you go in and talk with them for an hour to get a feel for how you get along
Only the first half hour is free, and they won't warn you you have exceeded that time and may bill you. You can also choose a lawyer by going down to the family law courthouse and talking to a few and collecting their cards. That way you can see how they interact with others
posted by saucysault at 6:39 AM on January 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
Only the first half hour is free, and they won't warn you you have exceeded that time and may bill you. You can also choose a lawyer by going down to the family law courthouse and talking to a few and collecting their cards. That way you can see how they interact with others
posted by saucysault at 6:39 AM on January 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
Do you have an EAP through work? If so, give them a call, ask to talk to a lawyer about common-law separation. They can get a lawyer to talk to you for free for 30 mins and you can tell the lawyer what you've written here. Another avenue is using the law society's lawyer referral service. If you can get the book (also available in the library): Separation Guide by David R Greig, it has a good section on what to look for in a lawyer and how to find one. I highly recommend this book overall. If you can't get it memail me (or email foxjacket AT yahoo DOT ca) and I can email you photos of some good pages. I'm in a similar boat as you - in Toronto, looking at a common-law separation.
posted by foxjacket at 8:35 AM on January 11, 2016
posted by foxjacket at 8:35 AM on January 11, 2016
Martha McCarthy & Co LLP have an excellent reputation in all areas of family law, though they're not cheap.
posted by hepta at 12:57 PM on January 11, 2016
posted by hepta at 12:57 PM on January 11, 2016
One thing you should look for is a complete bulldog of a lawyer, but one who can also put on a friendly face for as long as things do remain amicable. Unfortunately, it is impossible to know ahead of times whether the situation will remain reasonable or will get out of hand despite your best efforts.
By all means, hope for and work for the best, but please make sure you are prepared for the worst.
posted by wierdo at 7:40 PM on January 11, 2016
By all means, hope for and work for the best, but please make sure you are prepared for the worst.
posted by wierdo at 7:40 PM on January 11, 2016
I used to work in this field in Toronto, specifically around mediation and parenting coordination for co-parenting.
My office specifically found very good results when the parents engaged with collaborative practice lawyers - it helped facilitate the amicable separation and kept the solutions child-focussed. I would disagree with the advice to find a 'complete bulldog of a lawyer' if you are hoping for a low-conflict separation - throwing aggressive tactics into a situation that doesn't need them helps no one. The association we worked with is here:
https://www.collaborativepracticetoronto.com/find-a-professional/all-collaborative-professionals/
Memail me if you want more thoughts or recommendations.
posted by robot-hugs at 10:57 AM on January 12, 2016
My office specifically found very good results when the parents engaged with collaborative practice lawyers - it helped facilitate the amicable separation and kept the solutions child-focussed. I would disagree with the advice to find a 'complete bulldog of a lawyer' if you are hoping for a low-conflict separation - throwing aggressive tactics into a situation that doesn't need them helps no one. The association we worked with is here:
https://www.collaborativepracticetoronto.com/find-a-professional/all-collaborative-professionals/
Memail me if you want more thoughts or recommendations.
posted by robot-hugs at 10:57 AM on January 12, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
Your FIRST thought though should be what is best for your children. You wanting to sell the house for example because you moved out, but it will probably be better to keep the children living there to minimise transitions for them. With her income, child support, and spousal support she may be able to afford the refinance.
As to either of you moving, again, that needs to be judged on what is in the best interest of the children. Most of the people I know in the GTA have a 40km limit on how far they can move from the other custodial parent - that seems to be the distance the judges like as a maximum. And the parent that moves away becomes soley responsible for transportation. But again, that may be something the two of you can negotiate if it turns out to be the best for the children.
posted by saucysault at 9:14 PM on January 10, 2016 [9 favorites]