keeping secrets without going bonkers

January 8, 2016 11:27 AM

I have been entrusted with a handful of REAL BIG SECRETS lately, and it's wearing me down far more than I expected or was prepared for. I'm not very well-practiced at compartmentalization, apparently, but I can't un-know the things, so I gotta get good at it in a hurry. I'm looking at at least another 2-3 months, depending on when/if these things are brought out more into the open. How can I get better at this?

(I'm aware that probably the very best thing would be to get a therapist, but that's kind of a long-game solution and the problem is fairly immediate.)

Further details:

--All of the secrets involve things that are super-emotional
--All of them will have some impact on me, personally, so I naturally am having FEELINGS about them
--The care-in/dump-out philosophy is in play, so I can't talk about my FEELINGS with the secret-havers, as that would be burdensome.
--My partner is allowed to know some of the details, though often I have to keep it vague. I can and do tell him that [thing exists] and I am [upset/worried/excited], but feel compelled to keep the debriefing to a minimum for now.

What I am looking for:
--Actual actions, mantras, strategies for minimizing my stress over secret-keeping
--Strategies for lying/evading when necessary (jesus christ I'm a terrible liar--a chronic blusher to boot)
--Possibly a magic spell of unknowing. Or, strategies for keeping these situations out of sight, out of mind.

Currently I am mostly coping by running very far and very fast every day, as if it were some kind of metaphor for my internal state.

I and my stress hormones thank you in advance for all advice.

posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese to Human Relations (26 answers total)

Wow, that's hard. Personally, I am a person who relies very heavily on my partner for emotional support / talk therapy for things, so if your partner is a good secret-keeper, regardless of swearing you wouldn't tell anybody, I'd definitely confide in your partner and let steam off that way. I guess I am a person who just doesn't believe in secrets between partners.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 11:37 AM on January 8, 2016 [16 favorites]

Journaling helped me a lot processing and coping with Secret-Keeping. Could be paper, could be an online account (Tumblr / LiveJournal / Twitter / etc.) with the privacy settings jacked all the way up to "Only I can see any of this."
posted by fifthpocket at 11:40 AM on January 8, 2016 [8 favorites]

Part 1: Visualize the fortress. Spend some time working out the details, especially all of the defenses. Every time you start to think about this, even just to yourself, tell the thoughts very firmly "No. Not now." And put them back where they belong in the fortress.

Part 2: "Yes, Now." These thoughts and feeling do need a way to come out. Journal - write out all your thoughts and feelings about this and then immediately destroy what you wrote. (If you do it on your computer, be sure to empty the trash!) Don't just do this once - do it daily until the pressure eases.
posted by metahawk at 11:43 AM on January 8, 2016 [3 favorites]

It's OK to modify the care-in/dump-out philosophy a bit when there isn't a dump-out option. If the secret-havers are in a bad situation, then yeah, don't try to have this conversation, but if it's a more positive secret and their situation is overall OK, then I think it would be fine to ask them if they'd mind chatting with you about it to help you process a little. Asking someone to take on an emotional secret is a big request, and it's reasonable for them to help mitigate its effects on you, if they're able to.

Likewise, could you get in touch with the secret-havers, let them know that being able to talk with your partner would help a lot with this, and just ask whether that would be OK? If they say no, then at least you'll know, and if even one of them says yes, it'll help.

Otherwise, try to remove yourself from the people, places and activities that remind you of the secrets and/or start some kind of totally unconnected project. It doesn't have to be huge. Could you and your partner go on a brief road trip to another state next weekend? Start planning it now.

Time will help. This situation sucks, but you won't feel this way for the whole three months.
posted by ostro at 11:47 AM on January 8, 2016

Is there anyone you're close to that is entirely outside the circle of people impacted by the secret? People often tell me their secrets (and always have) and sometimes it helps to confide in someone so far removed that there's no risk of the secret getting out. For example, I talk to my friend overseas about something at work, or tell a cousin about a friend that she'll never meet.

Otherwise, I agree journaling can help as can finding a safe online forum to vent. As for lying, avoid as many conversations as you can, even making an excuse to leave the room if you need to. Or pretend to be busy doing something else to avoid participating.
posted by scrute at 11:48 AM on January 8, 2016 [2 favorites]

I tell random strangers stuff like this. It makes me seem like a crazy person, but ugh, it relieves some of that pressure.

Feel free to memail me if you just want to vomit it out to someone; I'm an excellent secret keeper!
posted by punchtothehead at 11:52 AM on January 8, 2016 [14 favorites]

I'm in this exact situation right now too (seriously, are you me?) and it's very, very taxing emotionally. So I feel you. I really think you need someone to talk to. If that can't be your partner or an uninvolved, trustworthy friend, find a therapist. I like the idea of journaling as a possible substitute as well if you really can't tell another human.

I've had to do mighty amounts of lying and evading in the past week and I've found that it helps to get my story straight beforehand. Figure out how you're going to answer questions before they're asked of you, and then stick to those answers without offering any additional information. I've had to resist the urge to elaborate with interesting fake details in order to make my lies seem more believable (argh) because inevitably I get flustered and the whole story starts sounding even more implausible than it was to begin with. So: keep it short, make it the same every time, and say "I don't know" a lot if people ask you for more information. It does get easier, at least it has for me.
posted by something something at 11:57 AM on January 8, 2016 [1 favorite]

My partner is allowed to know some of the details, though often I have to keep it vague. I can and do tell him that [thing exists] and I am [upset/worried/excited], but feel compelled to keep the debriefing to a minimum for now.

Can this change? One of the rules we have as a couple is no secrets, but that we are mutually bound by the promises one of us makes. We both are keepers of our share, typically in our work lives (though not always). Sometimes these are very big and hard to bear, and having someone to really be able to talk to helps enormously.
posted by bonehead at 12:01 PM on January 8, 2016 [19 favorites]

For emotionally-fraught types of secrets (and not, like, matters of national importance, with which I SHOULD NOT BE TRUSTED), I have totally told people who are on my side but have no skin in the game. Do you have someone like this? Someone who doesn't know any of the players except you, who lives far away, who doesn't care about the secret as much as they care about your emotional response to it?
posted by tchemgrrl at 12:14 PM on January 8, 2016

Write it down, put it in an envelope, seal the envelope, write the date down on which you can open it (the outer limit) and carry it around in your bag so you get to 'have told' and 'not tell' at the same time.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:22 PM on January 8, 2016 [1 favorite]

Being a good confidant is hard. Can you find comfort in knowing that there's someone that trusts you with secrets?

>Strategies for lying/evading when necessary

I don't think lying is ever the right answer - and the sense that you're called upon to do something that's not in your nature (lying) might be a source of stress. People asking you to lie for them aren't exactly confiding a secret. There's a difference between commiserating and conspiring. When talking to others, there are tactful ways to say, "no comment" (i.e., I hear you but I am intentionally not responding):

---"I don't have all the details about that, and I don't want to speculate."
---"I don't have any first-hand knowledge about that."
---"It's not my story to tell. You should really ask [secret confider]."
---"This is a sensitive topic for me (or for [secret confider]), can we talk about it later?"

Will you feel better if you resolve that you're not going to lie? Will it help you keep the secret?
posted by GPF at 12:28 PM on January 8, 2016 [9 favorites]

All of them will have some impact on me, personally, so I naturally am having FEELINGS about them

Is the stress really about having to keep a secret?

Some of this stress might be because you are having feelings that you have no one to talk about with.

If you could possibly be able to tell your partner about this, that would be good. It's not really fair to ask you to keep your feelings about things that will have an impact on your secret from your partner. And if they will have an impact on you, won't they have an impact on your partner too? It seems unfair of whoever told you these secrets to expect you to not talk with your partner about something that will end up impacting them in some way (even if that way is just that you are having a lot of emotions about it).

Another option is to find a message board or online forum focused on discussing whatever the topic is, and posting there anonymously. Of course, you need to make sure it's something that you can actually be anonymous about, i.e. so common and with so little detail that the people involved wouldn't even recognize themselves, don't go telling people that you are keeping a secret about the secret love child of an unnamed presidential candidate or something.
posted by yohko at 12:39 PM on January 8, 2016 [3 favorites]

Lying/evading strategy: "I can't talk about it." +1 for just be honest.
posted by mchorn at 12:49 PM on January 8, 2016 [2 favorites]

The best answer is: "I really couldn't say." You can't say, because you promised you wouldn't, regardless of what you know.
posted by blnkfrnk at 12:56 PM on January 8, 2016 [5 favorites]

Or simply, "Can we talk about something else? This upsets me too much."
posted by bonehead at 1:11 PM on January 8, 2016

In the concentric circles of care-in / dump-out, is there anyone else in your ring, i.e. someone who knows the secret but isn't the owner? That might be a good person to talk to, even if you don't know them super well.
posted by aimedwander at 1:28 PM on January 8, 2016

I really liked 7 Cups of Tea, when I was feeling super shut in about some opinions people were giving me, but everyone involved was far too involved to make a decision. Sending much love <3

I also think the art of changing topics is one that is useful in any circumstance. One of my friend's useful ones is to just laugh it off and go, "I really have no idea what's going on, but I hope they're doing well." This usually is followed up with the respondent going, "Yeah me too." If the other person keeps pushing, then just keep repeating.
posted by yueliang at 1:42 PM on January 8, 2016 [3 favorites]

Send it to Post Secret.
posted by AliceBlue at 1:47 PM on January 8, 2016 [1 favorite]

If the above scripts don't work and you think you'll really need a lie, come up with one and repeat it to yourself over and over until it starts to seem just a tiny bit true.
posted by purple_bird at 2:07 PM on January 8, 2016 [2 favorites]

Can you just get busy enough that you forget about the secrets? I'm great at keeping them mostly because it's in one ear and out the other. I mean, in the moment, I'm a really empathic listener so I find people tell me secrets all the time. Like, really big secrets. But I also don't dwell on them and most of the time, I forget all about it soon after. That way I don't spread them and I also don't feel burdened by it. Try just not focusing on it and getting on with life and see if you don't just forget about them.
posted by Jubey at 2:57 PM on January 8, 2016

Yeah, this is definitely a scenario in which I would be thoroughly and openly discussing the situation and my feelings about it with a friend who is several hundred miles away and doesn't know anyone involved, if that's a possibility for you. The best things for secrets is just to tell someone, and if that someone really, genuinely, has no connection with anyone involved, then that's not a breach of privacy in my book. At least, not a big enough one to balance against my mental health.

(Hell, if you just need a listening ear, tell to me via MeFi mail. Happy to listen and I won't have the slightest damn clue who you're talking about.)
posted by WidgetAlley at 4:35 PM on January 8, 2016 [2 favorites]

Do you know a professional secret keeper? Like a pastor or other religious figure? I think the advantage of a pastor or therapist is that their job much of the time really is keeping other people's secrets. I used to sit in on a lot of counseling appointments (as a witness and a third wheel, plus I was allowed to speak up at times) and I heard a lot of secrets. Which in my case I usually was able to forget.

Anyhow, find a professional secret keeper and talk it out with them.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:04 PM on January 8, 2016

So, I'm somewhat of a professional secret keeper (I'm a lawyer, and I work directly with children, so I learn a lot of big emotional things about other people's families, and I'm bound by ethical rules not to tell). Here are some strategies I use:

1) Exercise isn't the worst coping mechanism in the world. Running, especially, can be really meditative, because you're focused on your breathing and your footsteps and staying in motion. Maybe try other kinds of meditative activities, either active or still. Meditation is popular for a good reason. But even if you're not into actual meditation (and I'm really not), yoga, weightlifting, anything physical where you have to focus on your body more than your mind. Even something like cleaning something really dirty can calm me down when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I've just started a project to clean, strip, and refinish all of my kitchen cabinets, which is really hard work and takes a lot of focus, and it's actually amazingly satisfying and calming. Painting or drawing can be good for this too. They make adult coloring books! They are awesome.

2) If there's anyone you can talk to, talk to them, even if they're not your usual confidantes. I talk to my coworkers about stuff that comes up at work that's hard, because they're covered by the same attorney-client privilege I am, so we can help each other ease that burden. Are there other people who know these secrets? Even if you're not close with them, you can still talk to them just about this (assuming the people who own the secrets are okay with that). But definitely don't do this without getting the secret-keeper's permission. And that includes your spouse. It's a gross violation of trust to promise to keep a secret and then tell, and that's wrong, no matter what your relationship is with the person you decide to tell. But if you can get permission to talk to other people the secret-givers have already approved to have access to the secret, that can help.

3) The "what can I do about this now?" plan. When I'm really stressed out, I force myself to think, what can I do about this now? So if I'm thinking about someone who is suffering, is there anything I can do to relieve the suffering? Can I plan a time when I'll go visit them? Can I write them a letter or call them on the phone? If I'm thinking about some task I'm going to have to do that is stressful, I ask myself whether there are things I can do now that will make the task easier. Can I plan it out in advance, or start working on it ahead of time. Sometimes, asking that question helps me come up with concrete things I can do. But if the answer, upon reflection, is that there's literally nothing I can do except wait, then at least I can keep telling myself that. I can tell myself, you've done everything you can do to make this better, and worrying about it will not make it better.

4) Professional mental health help. I know you said therapist is a long-term plan, but if you're going to be a secret-keeper for any length of time, I'd recommend making that appointment now. Also, if you have a regular doctor, see if they'll give you a prescription for a safe, quick acting anaxiolytic. But even common, over-the-counter Benadryl has properties that will calm your nervous system down a little and help you sleep. I'm not saying rely on drugs as your primary strategy. But if you're having panic attacks or insomnia or other physical symptoms, medical treatment is not an overreaction.

5) Speaking of physical symptoms, make sure you're taking care of your body. Running is great. But are you getting enough sleep? Enough healthful food? Enough hugs? Make sure you're not putting garbage into your body because you feel bad, or skimping on important things like rest and time with loved ones. Even if you can't talk to your spouse about this (and if you promised not to tell, then no, you really can't), you can still spend time with your spouse and cuddle and watch a funny movie and fool around and hold hands and do all the other great things that having a spouse lets you do.

The bottom line is that, I think, some people are just going to be better at this than others. It's a skill that can be learned, sure. But there's also some degree of, for lack of a better term for it, natural talent that goes into it. A lot of people in my profession burn out because they can't handle being the receptacle for everyone else's family dramas. And there's no shame in that. In the long term, if this is going to be a recurring thing and not just a bad coincidence in your personal life, I think you need to think about whether you want to put yourself in this situation in the future, whether you're able to take on the burden of being a secret-keeper. Because when someone says, "hey, I need to talk to you about something, but you can't tell anyone," it's okay to say no if saying yes is going to mess up your whole life. That is a perfectly okay thing to do.
posted by decathecting at 5:29 PM on January 8, 2016 [9 favorites]

I'm a terrible secret keeper, so I've had to really work at it when this was necessary.

First, you need to confront the reasons you want to share it. Process your feelings elsewhere, e.g., with a therapist, to reduce the desire to tell. You won't be able to do this well if you are dying to tell someone. You won't be able to do this if you think others "deserve to know." Confront your desires to tell others and find peace with the fact that you can't.

Then figure out why you really WANT the story to stay secret. Your desire to keep it secret has to exceed your desire to tell by a significant margin. There has to be a positive motivation, e.g., "I love her and want to protect her by keeping this secret," or "this precious information isn't ready for the cold hearted world, I will keep it close to my heart," or "everything will really change once this is out, so let's all enjoy the Before." You want something that makes you feel good when you keep it secret.

Then visualize the secret being put into a safe place or dissolving off into imaginary-land. Consider the info "not real" or "not true yet," or "only true in another universe." Maybe picture a time-locked safe? An egg that's yet to hatch? A dream you had, a book you read, something you imagined might happen? You can't un-hear the info. But, you've heard a lot of things in your life. You once heard that this girl named Dorothy got picked up by a tornado and met a scarecrow and a wizard. You once were certain you'd grow up to be a firefighter. You probably have certain plans for your future that you are sure will happen but wouldn't tell anyone since you're not actually sure it will really happen. There are whole file drawers in your brain labeled "but not really" or "but not yet," so put all the info you heard in a folder there where it doesn't feel real anymore. (This is an important step for anyone who is naturally very honest.)

Then come up with a different story that you really believe instead. That is a lot easier if it used to be true and/or if you wish it were true. Attach some emotion to it so that you have something (short) to say. Saying "what!? I know nothing!" won't work, so you have to be able to say "last I heard Bill was still applying to grad school. I hope he stays on the West Coast!" or whatever. The secret is something you dreamt, so what's true instead? "I'm still waiting to find out who they hired. I heard there would be an announcement next week. I'm really looking forward to having that position filled."

Last, level with people you'd really regret lying to. "I'm not at liberty to say" or "I don't think that's been made public," or at least merely lie by omission, e.g., "isn't it hard waiting to find out what Bill's going to do?" or "I wish Bill would announce his plans." Good luck!
posted by salvia at 5:38 PM on January 8, 2016 [4 favorites]

Samaritans in the UK operate a service for people who are in "distress and despair". And it sounds like you fall into that category - there is a myth that it's a suicide hotline - it's not, it's for anyone who is struggling with the kind of feelings that you're struggling with. (You will be asked if you're feeling suicidal - that's standard practice, so don't get freaked out by that). It's a free 24/7 service, but if you're in the US (your profile doesn't say, but your spelling suggests that you are), you can still email them at [e-mail]. It's a completely confidential service, and you could use as a release, sort of like journaling, except that you will get a response from real live human beings who (hopefully) will help you to feel better about holding onto the secrets while giving you a outlet for, and understanding of, your feelings about the situation.
posted by finding.perdita at 10:01 PM on January 8, 2016 [2 favorites]

One thing that makes it easier to keep a secret is disappearing the fact that there *is* a secret. A thing that helps with that is a story with truth in it. So whenever the subject comes up, you have a story that feels true to you that you can easily refer to for your responses, and hopefully can attune your emotional intensity to the intensity of the story rather than that of the actual secret. For me the truth can be my own ignorance. I know what the person has told me but I don't really know what has happened, what will happen, or what they will end up telling other people. So if you wind up facing a direct question, "I don't really know," can feel like a true answer (even if the follow up in your head is 'what she would want me to tell you about it').

Not being able to process something that you otherwise would with your usual and primary sources of emotional companionship is really tough. It's probably worth it to revisit the question of exactly what you're keeping from your spouse for each secret and exactly why.

Related, I think there are a lot of different kinds of secrecy. There's are almost no absolute secrets. Some secrets are sufficiently preserved by anonymity, or by distance. So maybe you can't tell anybody in your overlapping communities that your friend got secretly married, but you can google chat your friend from college who lives on the other side of the world and has never met them and probably never will. Or maybe you can't say, "Soandso is cheating on about to leave their spouse," but you can say, to your husband or a close friend not related to the situation, 'a friend of mine is cheating on and about to leave their spouse, and I'm having feelings about it.'

I think a major source of stress is not trusting yourself to know what can be revealed and how and who to. So then every time it comes into your head, it's a whole new quandary. Maybe sitting down and thinking and through and writing out for yourself for each of the secrets what kind of processing would be appropriate would help. I think a benefit of this would be that then they're not really 'secrets' anymore, which is such a loaded thing to carry, but just facts under various and temporary levels of embargo. That might take away some of their emotional power over you.

I think that a lot of time when people ask you to keep a secret, they don't actually literally mean to make this completely unspeakable for you. If they couldn't keep it unspeakable for themselves (i.e. they spoke it to you), it may not be fair or reasonable for them to ask that of you.

If you really don't feel you can spill anything about anything to anybody, then I'd act quick on the therapist or other listener with legal obligations and protections of confidentiality. This is literally part of their reason for being and there is no reason you shouldn't have the benefit of that valve.
posted by Salamandrous at 10:06 AM on January 10, 2016