Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, I CALL DIBS!
January 3, 2016 5:02 PM Subscribe
What's the deal with announcing your own engagement and "stealing the thunder" of another wedding? What's the optimal way to set a wedding date with other people's weddings in mind?
At some point in the autumn of 2016, I'm most likely going to propose to my boyfriend. (There are a lot of preparations in the works and reasons this can't happen Right Now.) We'll be having a small and simple wedding -- maybe even doing the Vegas thing -- and don't anticipate a long engagement wherein we have to wait for the right time of year to book our Dream Wedding Venue or spend months finding just the perfect dress or getting invitations engraved or any of that nonsense.
Now, there are two couples in our lives who are already engaged and have planned long engagements. My brother is getting married in October of 2016 and some good friends of ours are getting married in February 2017. I don't want to hurt any feelings either by getting engaged right on top of my brother's wedding or setting a wedding date just on the heels of our friends' wedding. What's the etiquette here? Is there some kind of statute of limitations or buffer zone for not distracting from someone else's Special Day? Are there other considerations here (size/elaborateness of wedding, genders, family vs. friends, etc)?
Followup question: am I naive to think that a small wedding/maybe even elopement can be planned in under 18 months? Is there a reason everyone else I know seems to be calling dibs on dates far into the future?
At some point in the autumn of 2016, I'm most likely going to propose to my boyfriend. (There are a lot of preparations in the works and reasons this can't happen Right Now.) We'll be having a small and simple wedding -- maybe even doing the Vegas thing -- and don't anticipate a long engagement wherein we have to wait for the right time of year to book our Dream Wedding Venue or spend months finding just the perfect dress or getting invitations engraved or any of that nonsense.
Now, there are two couples in our lives who are already engaged and have planned long engagements. My brother is getting married in October of 2016 and some good friends of ours are getting married in February 2017. I don't want to hurt any feelings either by getting engaged right on top of my brother's wedding or setting a wedding date just on the heels of our friends' wedding. What's the etiquette here? Is there some kind of statute of limitations or buffer zone for not distracting from someone else's Special Day? Are there other considerations here (size/elaborateness of wedding, genders, family vs. friends, etc)?
Followup question: am I naive to think that a small wedding/maybe even elopement can be planned in under 18 months? Is there a reason everyone else I know seems to be calling dibs on dates far into the future?
I think you're over thinking. Don't propose at your brother's wedding and don't schedule your wedding for the weekend of your friends'.
My husband and I planned a lovely elopement (Maui) about six weeks in advance. The only thing that was a little tighter than we liked was that my husband's ring was special order (but we did get it in time) and for me to find a wedding dress (my husband found it on a rack at a local shop). If you want a tailored dress, you'll need more time than that, but 18 months is more than enough.
If you're inviting people, I think four to six months notice is polite especially if anyone has to travel or take time off work.
posted by Kriesa at 5:15 PM on January 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
My husband and I planned a lovely elopement (Maui) about six weeks in advance. The only thing that was a little tighter than we liked was that my husband's ring was special order (but we did get it in time) and for me to find a wedding dress (my husband found it on a rack at a local shop). If you want a tailored dress, you'll need more time than that, but 18 months is more than enough.
If you're inviting people, I think four to six months notice is polite especially if anyone has to travel or take time off work.
posted by Kriesa at 5:15 PM on January 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
There is no actual time limit, but some people get really crazy about their weddings and act as if there is. I wouldn't propose to your boyfriend at either wedding or probably in the preceding two weeks, but aside from that, I think it's really up to you. But you know your brother and his fiancee and your friends better than we do. Are they the kind of people who are going to get all bent out of shape? That's the complicating factor.
I think the main reason for choosing dates far into the future is that venues get booked. Elopements can be planned in just a few days. A small wedding - well, it depends on what you mean by that. I once hosted a wedding reception with about twenty guests in my living room. It took less than a week to plan, but all I had to do was make a cake, buy some drinks and flowers, and tidy the house. (The bride wasn't going to have a reception at all, so I volunteered to throw one together.) All she and her husband did for the wedding itself (which was at the courthouse and had only two witnesses as guests) was go out and buy a dress and take care of the licensing. And buying a dress is optional. There is no wedding law that keeps you from wearing something you already own. Someone else I know has been telling me about her tiny wedding, but it turned out she means 150 guests, which I would not describe as very small. So how you define these terms could make a big difference.
posted by FencingGal at 5:17 PM on January 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
I think the main reason for choosing dates far into the future is that venues get booked. Elopements can be planned in just a few days. A small wedding - well, it depends on what you mean by that. I once hosted a wedding reception with about twenty guests in my living room. It took less than a week to plan, but all I had to do was make a cake, buy some drinks and flowers, and tidy the house. (The bride wasn't going to have a reception at all, so I volunteered to throw one together.) All she and her husband did for the wedding itself (which was at the courthouse and had only two witnesses as guests) was go out and buy a dress and take care of the licensing. And buying a dress is optional. There is no wedding law that keeps you from wearing something you already own. Someone else I know has been telling me about her tiny wedding, but it turned out she means 150 guests, which I would not describe as very small. So how you define these terms could make a big difference.
posted by FencingGal at 5:17 PM on January 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
I can't speak to the etiquette of timing, but as to your followup: You can plan a wedding in just a few weeks, and an elopement in just a few days. Or maybe even less. All you have to do is take the first/easiest reasonable option for most things, instead of optimizing. I had a long engagement (18 months) and a short planning period (6 weeks). Out of town guests will need some lead time to plan, that's probably the biggest constraint you'll face.
posted by expialidocious at 5:17 PM on January 3, 2016
posted by expialidocious at 5:17 PM on January 3, 2016
I recently went to a 30+ person wedding that was planned in under three weeks. It was just as lovely and moving as weddings I've been to that took a year of planning. You can do it!
posted by lepus at 5:33 PM on January 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by lepus at 5:33 PM on January 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
The time thing is strictly about coordination of resources: venues and service providers get booked far in advance (especially for more-desirable dates) and the guests and members of the wedding party need to take time off work and possibly make room in their budgets for gifts, clothing, and travel.
Anyway, a classy wedding can happen with almost no notice provided there are few mandatory features, and some Vegas to-dos end up getting delayed for weeks because Someone Has To Be There or Something Must Happen In A Specific Way.
The key is having flexible family members, in my experience. One pushy in-law can increase the complexity by several orders of magnitude.
posted by SMPA at 5:46 PM on January 3, 2016
Anyway, a classy wedding can happen with almost no notice provided there are few mandatory features, and some Vegas to-dos end up getting delayed for weeks because Someone Has To Be There or Something Must Happen In A Specific Way.
The key is having flexible family members, in my experience. One pushy in-law can increase the complexity by several orders of magnitude.
posted by SMPA at 5:46 PM on January 3, 2016
I had a medium wedding ($5k/70 people) and easily planned it between late October and the date in early May. No problems. Venue, food, booze, dance floor, invitations. Easy peasy.
An elopement can be planned in 3 mouse clicks.
If you choose not to have a wedding with people, you certainly don't need to tell folks you're engaged. Just tell them when you're married if you like. In my eyes the main point of announcing is so you have time to plan and others can mark their calendars and plan travel/work, and so if you have hugely overlapping friend circles, dates won't overlap.
posted by ftm at 5:50 PM on January 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
An elopement can be planned in 3 mouse clicks.
If you choose not to have a wedding with people, you certainly don't need to tell folks you're engaged. Just tell them when you're married if you like. In my eyes the main point of announcing is so you have time to plan and others can mark their calendars and plan travel/work, and so if you have hugely overlapping friend circles, dates won't overlap.
posted by ftm at 5:50 PM on January 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
I've been to several weddings (full on sit-down affairs with 100-plus people) that were planned in under a year. If you don't feel the need to agonize over every detail, weddings don't have to take a long time to plan.
Just don't get engaged *at* your brother's wedding. And if you're inviting a lot of the same people as your friends (sounds like no), don't expect them to travel very far if they've already traveled for the friends' wedding.
posted by mskyle at 5:51 PM on January 3, 2016
Just don't get engaged *at* your brother's wedding. And if you're inviting a lot of the same people as your friends (sounds like no), don't expect them to travel very far if they've already traveled for the friends' wedding.
posted by mskyle at 5:51 PM on January 3, 2016
anonymous: "Followup question: am I naive to think that a small wedding/maybe even elopement can be planned in under 18 months? Is there a reason everyone else I know seems to be calling dibs on dates far into the future?"
Booking the venue, basically. They book a long way out. I planned a very LARGE wedding in 11 months; if you're not picky about the venue and not planning on things like a very long lead time dress, it only takes a little longer than it takes to plan, say, a retirement party or a big dinner party or whatever. My sister-in-law planned a very fancy wedding for more than 300 people in less than 8 months!
It might be nice to give your brother a heads-up that you're looking to propose that fall and get married [that winter][whenever], but if he seems like he's a crazy person about "my wedding date! mine!" then don't. In my family we try to give each other some advance notice because there are A LOT OF US and we live far apart and getting everyone to a wedding/baptism/whatever, while making sure people can afford to travel and get time off, sometimes takes some coordination and advance notice, and it lets people pick among family events if there are too many right in a row and they can only come to some. But my family is all very laid-back and normal about it and I wasn't fussed when some relatives didn't come to my wedding because they had other family events to prioritize that year. If your family is crazy, again, don't invite the drama, just make your plan.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:55 PM on January 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Booking the venue, basically. They book a long way out. I planned a very LARGE wedding in 11 months; if you're not picky about the venue and not planning on things like a very long lead time dress, it only takes a little longer than it takes to plan, say, a retirement party or a big dinner party or whatever. My sister-in-law planned a very fancy wedding for more than 300 people in less than 8 months!
It might be nice to give your brother a heads-up that you're looking to propose that fall and get married [that winter][whenever], but if he seems like he's a crazy person about "my wedding date! mine!" then don't. In my family we try to give each other some advance notice because there are A LOT OF US and we live far apart and getting everyone to a wedding/baptism/whatever, while making sure people can afford to travel and get time off, sometimes takes some coordination and advance notice, and it lets people pick among family events if there are too many right in a row and they can only come to some. But my family is all very laid-back and normal about it and I wasn't fussed when some relatives didn't come to my wedding because they had other family events to prioritize that year. If your family is crazy, again, don't invite the drama, just make your plan.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:55 PM on January 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
I had a really fancy wedding for around 250 people and planned it in three months. No wedding planner. I did not have a real job at the time though, so could afford to spend a lot more time on the planning process.
It helps to do the wedding off-season.
It's definitely doable.
posted by cacao at 6:02 PM on January 3, 2016
It helps to do the wedding off-season.
It's definitely doable.
posted by cacao at 6:02 PM on January 3, 2016
You're overthinking it a little. I planned a medium-fancy 100-person wedding in 6 months (in the summer, in an area wth heavy summer tourism no less); everything fell into place when we booked the venue and as soon as we did that we sent out our invitations the next week. As long as you are okay with some friends/family maybe not making it because of the other weddings, then this is going to be no big deal. People you are close to will come if they can swing it financially and if you're having a small wedding it sounds like that's what you want.
posted by charmedimsure at 6:25 PM on January 3, 2016
posted by charmedimsure at 6:25 PM on January 3, 2016
I mean, if you're flexible on the details (when, where, and how) your only constraint for a wedding vs an elopement is taking into account the availability of guests (i.e., giving them enough notice). If you can reasonably expect to corral friends and family and pick a date soonish, then you can plan a wedding as fast as you'd like. People host events all the time with no huge lead time, weddings are not really any different.
We planned a large wedding (100 guests) in less than a year and that's way more time than we actually needed. We picked the venue and therefore the date and then sat around twiddling our thumbs for another, oh, 9 months or so when we sent out invitations. The last 2 months involved a couple dress fittings, a meeting with the florist, one with the photographer, a cake tasting, and booking a dj online. Not exactly a ton of planning.
posted by lydhre at 6:30 PM on January 3, 2016
We planned a large wedding (100 guests) in less than a year and that's way more time than we actually needed. We picked the venue and therefore the date and then sat around twiddling our thumbs for another, oh, 9 months or so when we sent out invitations. The last 2 months involved a couple dress fittings, a meeting with the florist, one with the photographer, a cake tasting, and booking a dj online. Not exactly a ton of planning.
posted by lydhre at 6:30 PM on January 3, 2016
in response to your follow up question, I was engaged for less than four months and had a big traditional wedding. it really doesn't take that long to plan.
on preview, what lydhre said, but I guess I had more than a "big" wedding (500+ guests).
posted by sabh at 6:33 PM on January 3, 2016
on preview, what lydhre said, but I guess I had more than a "big" wedding (500+ guests).
posted by sabh at 6:33 PM on January 3, 2016
Can you check with your brother about this, before announcing, so he can talk to his prospective spouse (unless you or he is 100% sure that they wouldn't care)? Even extremely normal/non-dramatic people can have a lot of anxiety about this type of once-in-a-lifetime event, and if you're flexible with scheduling anyway, it seems considerate to ask. I wouldn't worry about the friends, though.
posted by unknowncommand at 7:03 PM on January 3, 2016
posted by unknowncommand at 7:03 PM on January 3, 2016
Your wedding can be as small as you want it to. My wife and I had a wedding party of 6 people, total.
There are no rules. You'll only need planning time proportional to how elaborate you want the event to be, which seems to be "not very," if you're considering eloping. This is for you, not for other people, regardless of what they say. Your wedding doesn't need to be a theatre production.
People announce dates long in the future because they want their wedding at a specific time or place, and they want to give people the ability to clear stuff off their schedule. If you're not having a lot of people come, you can just directly ask those people if a given date works for them.
If you don't have strong feelings about the timing, just ask people who would be coming and plan a time that's actually convenient for everybody.
posted by Strudel at 7:22 PM on January 3, 2016
There are no rules. You'll only need planning time proportional to how elaborate you want the event to be, which seems to be "not very," if you're considering eloping. This is for you, not for other people, regardless of what they say. Your wedding doesn't need to be a theatre production.
People announce dates long in the future because they want their wedding at a specific time or place, and they want to give people the ability to clear stuff off their schedule. If you're not having a lot of people come, you can just directly ask those people if a given date works for them.
If you don't have strong feelings about the timing, just ask people who would be coming and plan a time that's actually convenient for everybody.
posted by Strudel at 7:22 PM on January 3, 2016
I would plan to propose after your brother's wedding just to give him and his day some space. Regarding your friend's wedding, do you plan to invite the same people who will be at that wedding? If so, I'd build in some time between your friend's wedding and your own just because it's tough to have to travel to one wedding right after another.
Weddings are as big and complicated as you want them to be. You can get hitched at a courthouse tomorrow probably but if you want to get married on a Saturday in June at a popular venue, you might be looking at 2017 or even 2018 (there are only so many Saturdays in June). If you're flexible, can get married in the off-season or on a less popular day of the week, don't want a dress that needs to be ordered 12 months in advance, you absolutely can plan a wedding in a short period of time.
posted by kat518 at 7:39 PM on January 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Weddings are as big and complicated as you want them to be. You can get hitched at a courthouse tomorrow probably but if you want to get married on a Saturday in June at a popular venue, you might be looking at 2017 or even 2018 (there are only so many Saturdays in June). If you're flexible, can get married in the off-season or on a less popular day of the week, don't want a dress that needs to be ordered 12 months in advance, you absolutely can plan a wedding in a short period of time.
posted by kat518 at 7:39 PM on January 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
I will tell you a true story of People Not Being Shitty: after about a week of low-key silence to tell the critical family members, my husband and I announced our engagement. As did two other couples in our immediate social circle, all within maybe 48 hours.
And we all independently decided on wedding dates a few weeks later, announcing: the middle of March in Arlington, the beginning of April in Austin, and the middle of April in Fort Worth. Yep, there was a wedding every other weekend for 6 weeks. We all blogged together about our planning, and had 3 dramatically different ceremonies and receptions.
I don't doubt it was a slog for our friends; that's a lot of wedding presents in less than 2 months, plus showers and crap. People were absolutely wonderful to all of us about every single second of it. People still speak fondly of the Wedding Onslaught of 2004. (We're all still married, too!) If anyone was mad at anyone else, I've never heard a peep of it, and honestly for as much of a slog as it was it was also kind of magical. That may be something I get to say because we went last and the other two weddings were happy weep-fests for me (you'll never be a sucker for weddings as much as when you're engaged or just married), but I think it all worked out pretty great.
Because your brother is involved, I would say talk to him, but approach him as if this is a wonderful problem to have rather than some sort of Austen-esque breach of etiquette. There's a workable solution in there somewhere, you just need to make sure you communicate.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:26 PM on January 3, 2016
And we all independently decided on wedding dates a few weeks later, announcing: the middle of March in Arlington, the beginning of April in Austin, and the middle of April in Fort Worth. Yep, there was a wedding every other weekend for 6 weeks. We all blogged together about our planning, and had 3 dramatically different ceremonies and receptions.
I don't doubt it was a slog for our friends; that's a lot of wedding presents in less than 2 months, plus showers and crap. People were absolutely wonderful to all of us about every single second of it. People still speak fondly of the Wedding Onslaught of 2004. (We're all still married, too!) If anyone was mad at anyone else, I've never heard a peep of it, and honestly for as much of a slog as it was it was also kind of magical. That may be something I get to say because we went last and the other two weddings were happy weep-fests for me (you'll never be a sucker for weddings as much as when you're engaged or just married), but I think it all worked out pretty great.
Because your brother is involved, I would say talk to him, but approach him as if this is a wonderful problem to have rather than some sort of Austen-esque breach of etiquette. There's a workable solution in there somewhere, you just need to make sure you communicate.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:26 PM on January 3, 2016
Nth-ing totally doable on the planning end. I had a 200ish-guest, spendy, fancy wedding. We got engaged in mid October, married in mid April. A friend got engaged the day after I did and had a 500+ guest wedding Christmas weekend - of that year. My brother had a 200ish guest, traditional wedding. He got engaged over a Labor Day weekend and married the following January (and early in the month, too). If you want a popular venue for your ceremony/reception, you'll have to be flexible with dates. If you can get creative with where your ceremony/reception are held, the world is your oyster.
posted by pecanpies at 4:40 AM on January 4, 2016
posted by pecanpies at 4:40 AM on January 4, 2016
Keep in mind that a church wedding in a high profile church may require longer lead times than other options.
posted by smackfu at 7:09 AM on January 4, 2016
posted by smackfu at 7:09 AM on January 4, 2016
I think the main considerations would be travel for guests if that is something you're expecting people to do -- a lot of people won't be able to get off work/be able to afford two big trips just a few weeks apart. But if you're eloping or inviting only a few close family members/bets friends, obviously this does not matter as much.
Also - you know your people best and I think it's fine to just talk to them and see what they think. My sister is getting married at the same venue I got married at, and a lot of her friends were really worried I would be grievously offended/feel she was stealing my wedding thunder/etc. (Which, having read some wedding blogs, I guess some brides probably would be!) In my case, I do not mind at all and am flattered that she liked my venue so much to want to use it too! So, I'm glad she asked me and didn't just listen to people who were worried it would be an issue. Before you tie yourself in knots trying to make everyone happy, it might be good to just talk to them and see what they think.
posted by rainbowbrite at 9:59 AM on January 4, 2016
Also - you know your people best and I think it's fine to just talk to them and see what they think. My sister is getting married at the same venue I got married at, and a lot of her friends were really worried I would be grievously offended/feel she was stealing my wedding thunder/etc. (Which, having read some wedding blogs, I guess some brides probably would be!) In my case, I do not mind at all and am flattered that she liked my venue so much to want to use it too! So, I'm glad she asked me and didn't just listen to people who were worried it would be an issue. Before you tie yourself in knots trying to make everyone happy, it might be good to just talk to them and see what they think.
posted by rainbowbrite at 9:59 AM on January 4, 2016
My brother got engaged in November 2010 and married in November 2011. It was a really nice, traditional wedding. I eloped in July 2011. I guess because we made it so low key, my brother and sister-in-law were nothing but happy for us and didn't feel like we stole their thunder. It's never been an issue, but I think the timing helped.
I agree with others that you shouldn't do anything public or showy at your brother's wedding. I also think there's something to the idea of event-fatigue if you have a big thing close to other big things. It's also true that it's your day and event and you need to do what you want. Figure out what you want to do, what's feasible, and then go for it!
posted by kendrak at 12:20 PM on January 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
I agree with others that you shouldn't do anything public or showy at your brother's wedding. I also think there's something to the idea of event-fatigue if you have a big thing close to other big things. It's also true that it's your day and event and you need to do what you want. Figure out what you want to do, what's feasible, and then go for it!
posted by kendrak at 12:20 PM on January 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'd say keep a 3-4 week buffer on either side of other people's special days for your (1) public engagement announcement, and (2) wedding. You only have two other events to schedule around. This isn't exactly Tetris. You can do it.
posted by omg_parrots at 4:22 PM on January 4, 2016
posted by omg_parrots at 4:22 PM on January 4, 2016
am I naive to think that a small wedding/maybe even elopement can be planned in under 18 months?
I've known people who got married less than a month after they met. You certainly don't need 18 months to plan elopement.
Is there a reason everyone else I know seems to be calling dibs on dates far into the future?
It's so you can plan ahead if you attending the wedding, taking time off, buying tickets, not planning other things at the same time, etc. If you want to attend these weddings, don't plan to elope in Vegas the same weekend.
posted by yohko at 12:35 PM on January 7, 2016
I've known people who got married less than a month after they met. You certainly don't need 18 months to plan elopement.
Is there a reason everyone else I know seems to be calling dibs on dates far into the future?
It's so you can plan ahead if you attending the wedding, taking time off, buying tickets, not planning other things at the same time, etc. If you want to attend these weddings, don't plan to elope in Vegas the same weekend.
posted by yohko at 12:35 PM on January 7, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
TLDR; I don't think anyone is expected to put their lives on hold to accommodate someone else's dates, just don't be a jerk about it.
posted by handful of rain at 5:14 PM on January 3, 2016 [16 favorites]