How do you determine whom to talk to when the depression returns?
December 27, 2015 4:30 AM   Subscribe

I'm one of those people who thought major depression was a thing I was over and done with years ago. I am recently experiencing a STRONG relapse (nothing self harm related) with a bunch of physical symptoms ( bad sleep, panic attacks, memory gaps, excessive crying, Ill advised text arguments with an ex boyfriend (in which he has been patient and kind but I can't retread that for so many reasons .

My question is - my instinct in these situations is to reach out to friends for help - just ease and comfort, no fixing. My coping mechanisms are a little rusty but usually involve a low sugar diet and lots of cardio and barre class. I do not do well on anti depressants. I have a therapist and have contacted him but it's Christmas and all so want to tread lightly. In the past, telling friends I am depressed makes
Them think I am a drama queen or that they can fix it but I usually end up feeling like they drift away completely , even if my Issues are temporary and I try to contain my discomfort, which often, like now, includes physical pain.

Everyone is still busy with friends and Fam and I am not sure I can keep going alone more than even tomorrow the 27th (again no self harm feelings at all). It's just a white noise in my brain plus panic attacks that's sort of unbearable but I don't want to burden anyone.
So actual question - is there a way to ask for just a bit of support that won't alienate people, especially now that everyone has kids and all. Like a miss manners guide to asking for support with depression.
posted by sweetkid to Health & Fitness (34 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
Best answer: If you were in a 12-step program, there would be sort of a structure for reaching out to a bunch of people so that not one person was put on the spot and whoever actually had time at the moment would be able to talk to you and help you over the hump. If you have numerous friends, maybe reach for quantity in some way and try to briefly connect with several people?

As a fellow depressed person, good job thinking in terms of reaching out!
posted by BibiRose at 4:47 AM on December 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Sorry you're feeling shitty. The time of year might actually be in your favour though. It's a difficult time for lots of people for lots of reasons, so reaching out to someone you trust with "Do you have time for a talk/coffee? Just feeling a bit low - you know what the Holidays are like" might make perfect sense to them without having people accuse you of being overly dramatic or something. Just having some interaction might lessen the panicky feeling so if you can't identify anyone you know, do consider ringing a local helpline just to get some feelings off your chest.
posted by billiebee at 6:17 AM on December 27, 2015 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Have already reached out to Doctor. Mentioned this in the post - definitely no more recos for doctors, pills or sleep studies, or how to cure depression, please.
posted by sweetkid at 6:55 AM on December 27, 2015

Best answer: I hear ya- in a similar situation; thought I had depression pretty much at bay after years but the holidays have been really difficult and it came back for a bit.

I use general coping mechanisms like yoga, walks, and reading. As far as who to talk to, I find it helps sometimes even to just get out and have a somewhat superficial chat with even a casual friend- something to get me out and out of my headspace. Maybe you can try calling people you wouldn't normally reach out to just to see if they want to get out for a bit.

Last night I talked to one of .y best friends via Skype and it helped immensely. I feel lucky to have at least one person in my life like that. Anyone you can think of who maybe you haven't talked to ina while but understands you well.

You can also memail if you want. From reading some of your posts I think we are around the same age and deal with similar issues.

Hang in there.
posted by bearette at 7:24 AM on December 27, 2015

How is your relationship with your family? I find that sometimes, especially if your relationship is strong with them, that they're the best place for that unconditional support you may need at times like this.
posted by xingcat at 7:25 AM on December 27, 2015

Response by poster: Sorry not to threads it but family is 100% not an option.
posted by sweetkid at 7:29 AM on December 27, 2015

Best answer: Do you need explicit support with the depression or just company/comfort? When I'm feeling like you do, I don't tell people I'm depressed but might ask someone to see a movie or get coffee or something. Then you can chat about your lives and maybe disclose that you're feeling down without disclosing more than you or your friend would feel comfortable with.
posted by Mavri at 7:30 AM on December 27, 2015 [8 favorites]

Your friends get exasperated with discussing your depression with you in the exact same way they'd get bored with someone who always complains of stomach trouble. There isn't a thing they can do about it and they hate to see you suffer and have no tools to help you.

An occasional talk with a down friend is one thing, but expecting your friends to comfort you during a depressive episode is a tall order.

One thing you could do is call people and ask them: "I know it's the holidays and your time is short. I'm having a depressive episode and I need to talk to someone. I promise, it will only be for 10 minutes. It would help me a lot." Then keep it to ten minutes exactly, thank them and move on. I know it sounds cold-hearted, but most of us don't want to fall into a long conversation when we have other social commitments pressing during the holidays.

Another thing to do is to schedule some time out and about. Go to museums, shows, movies, etc. Keep busy and distracted. Don't sit home reading novels (unless that takes you out of yourself.)

Cook lovely, healthy meals and enjoy shopping for the ingredients for them at new, fancy markets. Out of season fruit, exotic veggies, etc.

The object is to get through the week. That's it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:33 AM on December 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Here's how I would word it: "Hey, I realize you're probably busy because of the holidays, but are you available for dinner/coffee/other specific activity? I've had a rough weekend and could really do with some company." If you specify the activity, people might be more inclined to say yes or tell you what they can do, even if it's not exactly what you had proposed. And "rough weekend" or similarly-vague terms might allay your fears about being seen as a drama queen (which you are not, not at all).

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Depression completely sucks and if I can help, feel free to MeMail me.
posted by corey flood at 7:39 AM on December 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Ok, I guess I phrased this poorly- just a bit of support, not "Talk me through a depressive episode," or " long long discussions" or any such tall order.

If there isn't an answer, and it's totally inappropriate to mention anything but pure joy to friends, that's fine. I'm starting to feel based on prior experience that I should never let anyone know ever, but that was years ago, with very trusted friends who had assured me that's what they were there for. But they weren't! So I just wanted to see if I needed to have that meter recalibrated. Last comment, but if we could avoid medication discussion and buying foods at outdoor markets that would be really really great. No more threadsitting thanks again.
posted by sweetkid at 7:46 AM on December 27, 2015

Best answer: During a depressive episode, I find it more helpful to tell my friends that I'm struggling with depression than to tell them a lot about my depression, if that makes sense. I might say that I'm having a rough time and can they please come with me to a movie or for a walk or a coffee or whatever, but what I mainly want is for them to come and pull me out of my head by talking about things other than my symptoms.

It's much easier for my friends to keep me company when I'm depressed than it is for them to know how to respond to my depressive-talk, and keeping me company is something that helps me without overwhelming them. The therapist is there to manage my symptoms. My friends can't do that, but they can keep me from reacting to my symptoms by isolating myself or never leaving the house.

So I suggest saying, "I'm depressed and I need to get out of my head for a few hours, are you free to meet me in the park / come over and watch Netflix with me" rather than just "I'm depressed" - it's easier to respond to and can still be comforting.
posted by Aravis76 at 8:35 AM on December 27, 2015 [19 favorites]

Best answer: Also, in terms of who to reach out to - ideally a close-ish friend who is a relatively relaxed and non-judgmental person, and who is one of your normal hanging-out people. What you don't want is someone who will make the conversation all about them, either because they think you're asking them to fix your depression or because they will want to share their opinion of depression and its causes with you. I have a couple of friends whose response to any request is always either "sure" or "sorry, I can't" and they are my go-to people for this kind of thing - I avoid the people who respond to a request of this kind by wanting lots of details about why you want/need what you're asking for. You need people whose presence you experience as restful rather than challenging, right now.
posted by Aravis76 at 8:42 AM on December 27, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: You mentioned that cardio is a good coping mechanism in your post - do you have running or workout buddies? Seems like people still like to do that stuff even over the holidays, and the talking would kind of be at a minimum, although you could still go for coffee (or whatever exercise people do) afterwards.
posted by desjardins at 8:44 AM on December 27, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: You can definitely ask your friends for support! Or they're only fair-weather friends, which is fine if that's all they can offer, but is disappointing too. Everyone should have friends they can lean on when they need to.

I think Bearette and Aravis76's scripts are great, but I would add something personal to the person you're reaching out, too. It can feel pushy or needy to get a message that just says "I'm not feeling great, can you come over." (I will say in my friend group that is an acceptable message and the answer is usually Yes.) "I'm feeling down, and would really love to do X with you" where X is a thing you guys do, feels nicer. So with one of my friends X would be playing video games or drinking really fancy beer. With another it would be heavy emotional processing. With another it would be cooking or going to a flea market. Because those are the activities I do with those specific people already.

The other thing is just think about if you want to talk about feeling down (or phrase it as being depressed! whatever feels right to you) or if you want to be distracted. Either one is fine, just specify to the person you're trying to make plans with. Everything is easier when people know what to expect.

Also, hugs from this internet stranger. Depression is rough and feeling alone in it is awful.
posted by (Over) Thinking at 8:48 AM on December 27, 2015 [3 favorites]

Best answer: This is familiar to me. It can be really, really hard to ask for a little support, especially when the brain chemicals are encouraging you to think negatively about the likelihood of anyone wanting to help. I don't think it's inappropriate for you to tell a friend that you need a little support -- you're not asking for the moon, you're asking to be shown some friendship. So please don't think badly of yourself for even having the need in the first place. I think I'm in the same boat as you, in that most of my friends have families of their own or other major time commitments, and so asking them for support is difficult because of the limited time they have. Usually I do what Aravis76 does -- luckily I have friends who either have had depression/anxiety themselves or who are just more sympathetic to mental health struggles than the average bear. Over time i've found that simply telling my friends I'm depressed makes them feel sort of helpless, they're not sure what to do or how to help me. But if I say I'm having some depressive feelings and need a distraction, can they come do something with me like a walk or Netflix or bookstore browse or whatever I think is going to help in that moment... well, that works better.

And I know you didn't ask about this, but when I'm going through a rough patch I try to make sure I'm keeping up with self-care. Sometimes having something to eat and showering and putting on clean clothes (even if it's just pajamas, clean anything feels better) helps boost my mood a little. If you haven't eaten today, maybe start there?
posted by palomar at 8:54 AM on December 27, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Oh I missed that everyone has kids. Sorry. In terms of being very un-pushy activity-wise, maybe going on a walk with the kids would work? I'm sure that depends on their ages, but if there's someone who just has a baby, then walking around with baby in the stroller might be a nice, low-key way to get some face time.

Regardless, don't apologize for being a human being who takes up space and has needs. Everyone does. Sometimes other people can accommodate them and sometimes they can't but that does not make you a bad person for having them.

Also, a thing I have done when I needed human contact and no friends were available: Go to a neighborhood bar at a non-busy time, sit at the bar, tip generously on your first drink (and subsequent drinks if you have more than one), and chat with the bartender. It may just be superficial small talk, you may end up having a surprisingly deep conversation.
posted by (Over) Thinking at 8:56 AM on December 27, 2015 [2 favorites]

Local support groups, a meetup group focused on depression support, and never be afraid to call a mental help or suicide prevention hotline. I know you said no self harm but they will listen and help anyway. Here is a list of helplines. Don't be afraid to burden the people staffing them, they are all there because they want to help.

I hope you feel better soon.
posted by Requiax at 9:12 AM on December 27, 2015

Check out NAMI. I'm afraid I don't know what's close to you (don't know the geography of NYC), but they have support groups. They also have a help line.
posted by kamikazegopher at 9:14 AM on December 27, 2015

I would definitely check out a support group. Not for the support per se, but for the chance to possibly score a depression buddy. A friend who understands what is up and can hang with you and offer support when needed. Worse case scenarios - You end up buying some extra pizzas.

(I too suffer from depression, but I can't attend the local support group due to conflicts with work.)
posted by Samizdata at 9:26 AM on December 27, 2015

Best answer: You may not have this relationship with any of your friends, but I know who among my friends suffers from depression, anxiety, and similar and so it is much much easier for all of us to ping each other and say "it's here again, I need a thing".

with very trusted friends who had assured me that's what they were there for. But they weren't!

I don't know what that phrase means to you and I don't know if you mean they then proceeded to make fun of you or retreated from you, but even people who have been through it and know they will go through it again have a cap on how much of it they can hear about. The cap is about 20 minutes.

Which, honestly, is fine because it doesn't do you any good to talk about it for longer than that at one go unless you are with a professional who's qualified to teach you coping skills.

Untrained people like your friends (and even if they happened to be professionals they aren't your professionals) can be a source of extraordinary support, but only implicitly. They can be company, and they can provide the motivation to do the hard stuff like get out of bed and put clothes on and go do a thing - because going and doing a thing is generally very powerful medicine - and their support can be in the form of not badgering you about why your affect is a little flat or understanding when you've only got the brain and body resources for low-key interactions.

If you want to talk about your depression though, and you really must do it with friends, you have to set a time limit and you have to be clear that you need to have a vent session and you really don't expect them to provide answers and you probably won't take any of their advice so it may be better just to not offer any. Yes, that is a big ask for friends, unfortunately. It's like hearing about someone's dreams or the plot of Harry Potter: it takes a lot of work to stay engaged when it's someone else's thing.

(I do not find talking about my depression to be helpful, anyway, not for more than about 5 minutes. When I talk with my depression friends about depression, we talk about a) the specific symptoms manifesting this time b) what we're doing to handle them c) and that it sucks but it'll get better. But obviously mileage varies there.)

It is possible that there are people among your social circle who do actually understand depression but, because of where they are in their cycles and their social culture it's verboten to talk about, and those people can be actively bad for you when you are on a downswing. That's a little bit different from people who just don't get it, though they are not terribly helpful either. You can't really make them be helpful if they're not able to be helpful.

And if those are the only two categories of people you have in your life I would recommend trying to find *any* sort of IRL support group that it wouldn't be inappropriate for you to sit in on (AlAnon is a good one because everybody's got some toxic people somewhere in their lives and the skills AlAnon focuses on are helpful for everyone). If that doesn't work for logistical reasons, there are helplines that have both phone and chat, and there are forums where you may find some amount of interaction that is real-time-ish.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:44 AM on December 27, 2015 [5 favorites]

Can we not do the thing where we criticize someone for the way they ask for help, and maybe take them at their word when they say turning to family is not an option?

Fair, but I also think kmennie's point was that it's especially taxing to be supportive to a friend who responds to every suggestion by unilaterally shutting it down. If this is your particular tendency, it's especially important to tell friends "I don't need advice, I just want to be distracted." People whose aims are generous will burn out very quickly on relentless negativity. It is of course very hard to avoid negativity when depressed (or, if you're me, even when mildly stressed out), but the issue isn't "Poster is Doing It Wrong" but "if Poster's friends are seeming less than receptive, this may be why."

If you don't want advice, and you don't want to be distracted, but you just want them to say "there, there, poor baby," that's also something you can ask for, but you need to ask for it specifically and it has a VERY short shelf life. Most people are only interested in doing that once or twice before they start wondering why you're not taking the reins. My suggestion in that case would be 1) reach out to a specific person, don't do an "I'm sad today, comfort me" Facebook blast (it is shocking to me how many of my most exhausting friends do this regularly), 2) choose someone you know has also struggled with depression, and 3) choose someone you haven't seen super recently. "Hey, I miss hanging out with you and I'm also having a really down month and I feel like you'd understand. It would help me a lot to just spend time with someone who understands. Can we ___?"
posted by babelfish at 10:03 AM on December 27, 2015 [14 favorites]

Best answer: This may just be my own kinda oddball circle of friends, but my experience has been that by this point in the holiday season a lot of people would looooooove to get away from the kids or families for a little bit - even if everything is great, it's exhausting, so they'll leap at the opportunity to grab a coffee or whatever and interact with an adult that they're not related to. You're thinking, "Oh geez, all of my friends are super busy with the kids, they won't want to hang with me", and meanwhile they're thinking, "I've been cooking for these people for a damn week, they can fend for themselves for a night, what I wouldn't give for some Chinese and an hour away from the talking teddy bear toy." Although it can be hard for people to admit this, given all the social/cultural pressures to have a Norman Rockwell Perfect Christmas. So often it kind of falls on the single/not with family person to make the first step.

All of which is to say that I suspect that you're going to get a better response than you're expecting if you follow billibee's/corey flood's/Aravis76's ideas and scripts and ask a mellow, non-judgemental friend or two out for a little one-on-one support time. They very well might be less busy and more willing than you're thinking they are.
posted by soundguy99 at 10:20 AM on December 27, 2015 [3 favorites]

If your friends aren't available due to holiday and family stuff, sometimes I find it helpful to go be alone-but-not-alone-- with a book at my favorite coffee shop, browsing at a bookstore, anywhere that I can soak up a bit of people-energy without too much pressure on any of us. Alternately, could you suggest a family-friendly outing to your friends with kids? Hanging out and chatting at the playground while the kids played, or taking the kids to see Star Wars, or "ditch the kids with Spouse and let's grab a quick coffee."

I guess it's partly a question of whether you need enjoyable company to help you re-calibrate during a down time, or whether you need a heart to heart with someone about how down you are feeling. Maybe you need both? In which case, starting out by reaching out for mellow, enjoyable time with friends could be an easier place to find success this week, and help get you through the next few days until you can get deeper support.
posted by instamatic at 10:48 AM on December 27, 2015 [4 favorites]

Best answer: I don't know about you but Christmas is a great big fat trigger for me moodwise (literally about the only thing that ever threatens to drag me back to the bad old days) and amazingly, day after Christmas, my mood went back to happy baseline. Is it possible this is true for you as well?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:35 AM on December 27, 2015

Best answer: Do you need / want to ask specifically for support? People do get together over the holidays; that's totally a thing. You don't need to disclose that you're feeling awful to suggest making plans. "I'm going on a long walk / hike in the hills tomorrow -- all those pies, y'know -- would you / you guys want to join me?" "Hi, I'd love to drop by and briefly toast the New Year with you all!" You can even say you have a present to drop off, which can be as simple as a nice chocolate bar or bottle of wine. "Would you guys want to catch a movie -- maybe the new Star Wars?"

If you want to imply you could really use company or activity without saying "I'm feeling depressed," you can lightheartedly say, "I'm starting to bounce off the walls over here" or "I have cabin fever" or "I can't watch one more holiday movie" as your lead-in to "...Would you want to ___?"
posted by salvia at 11:45 AM on December 27, 2015

Best answer: I fifth the "hey let's go for a walk/have some coffee/eat a pie/make a snowdude" company/activity idea, especially if the chums you're approaching have kids or family from whom they might could do with a break.

Also, I have the following link bookmarked for the inevitable 2am "I need someone to talk to but everyone is asleep" and I'm proffering it towards you in case there's a space in your self-help toolbox where it might fit: 7 cups of tea.
posted by subbes at 11:49 AM on December 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

I have one close friend who deals with his depression by finding things to do for others. Even on his most black-dog days, he walks to the local store or coffee shop, pays for the person behind him or buys a coffee for the local corner homeless person. Sometimes, he takes a trash bag and rubber gloves and cleans up his block. He feeds pigeons and feral cats. He'll call or text me and tell me what he did. He's not a saint, just a guy who's found a way to deal with his dark moods.
posted by Ideefixe at 12:25 PM on December 27, 2015 [4 favorites]

"I'm sad today, comfort me" Facebook blast (it is shocking to me how many of my most exhausting friends do this regularly)

...oy vey. To clarify, the friend who asked for help on Facebook that I described in my now-shitbinned post was about the last person I would have expected to make such a post. I would recommend a social media help-needed-please on, as I think I mentioned, the same sort of basis one might mention an urgent care visit for a sprained ankle. Please come over and help me mind the kids and finish the laundry if you are free; I am in a spot of difficulty here. Heads up, I won't be joining anybody for tennis soon.

I don't know precisely what he needed, but I thought instant messaging was a surprisingly good way to talk at that time. I could look up local resources on-line and bounce them off him to see what might be a good fit. He could quickly yea/nay/tried that/etc. If he had decided he wanted a drive somewhere, we would've been able to figure out the logistics quickly. And then it is also a fine medium through which to send jokey links and check in on somebody regularly over a span of days.

I would not suggest it as a routine thing. But if there are a good number of people who do not know about the depression (or any other significant burden), it can be very liberating to just throw it out there. I have found it a tremendous relief to, in very bad times, announce 'hey, just to keep you folk in the loop -- Very Bad Times here' on FB. I did this a bit over a year ago and felt lighter the second I hit 'post' (after having mulled over such a post for months!) because I did not have to keep pretending that everything was okay. And, people were very kind. I got a good bit of 'we went through similar struggles,' and felt re-connected with the world -- the various flavours of misery can be very isolating and it is soothing to be reminded that it is a universal experience.

In re. the AWOL comment that led to "Have already reached out to Doctor. Mentioned this in the post - definitely no more recos for doctors," the point I was trying to make is that one is in a bit of a fog when in a depression, and it is easy to do things like: make a post that does not mention reaching out to a physician, then jump out and 'no no don't tell me to see a doctor, already said that, argh,' and that that is a thing that can make it difficult for people to offer whatever support they are able to offer. It is easier to watch the unsuitable advice wash up to shore, break, and look for the next wave, than to fight the tide there. If you really can't hear anything on X, mention it, but be aware that it is hard for most people to recognise why X might be repellent to you if X had worked very well for them. Reject X for you without rejecting it as a general concept. I know a lot of the waves of advice are useless. Try to contextualise them as different ways of saying "I care," as "I care" is a very short sentence and people do often feel a need to fill the air when trying to be supportive.

(For me "enjoy shopping for the ingredients for them at new, fancy markets" would be a wacky thing to hear if I was in a depression. "Enjoy"? What means "enjoy"? Ha! Very easy to reject that. But, waves crashing to shore, look for the next one, and try to translate "fancy markets" as "I want to help you.")
posted by kmennie at 12:51 PM on December 27, 2015

It's okay that you're having a rough time. Remember that this too shall pass.

Things that have helped me:
* spending time with friends - sometimes it helps me to disclose that I'm having a rough time, but more often just being around someone I like and doing something we both enjoy together is enough to lift my mood
* volunteering
* getting out of my pattern - taking a class in something different, going to a concert, etc.
* singing
* being outside
* doing something physical
* doing just 10 minutes of yoga in my living room - google "beginner yoga video" and then just gently do the poses and listen to the instructor ... and when I'm done I feel better.

Good luck. Depression really sucks .. I hope you find some helpful resources and that things get better soon.
posted by bunderful at 1:05 PM on December 27, 2015

Response by poster: I absolutely did mention I had reached out to my therapist already in my question , and only mentioned it again because the poster asked me to see a Doc in a Box and report immediately, and also mentioned med tweaking and I don't take meds, which I also mentioned- long long story why not. I didn't want everyone to run down the Doctor now hallway for a specific reason. I understand it's well intentioned but it was classic not reading the question, and I asked a fairly tight question.
Thanks to the people who wrote in response to that actual question, and those who me Mailed me.
posted by sweetkid at 1:15 PM on December 27, 2015 [4 favorites]

Mod note: Folks, do not argue, just answer the question. Sweetkid, at this point go ahead and flag, don't worry about responding.
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 5:18 PM on December 27, 2015 [7 favorites]

Best answer: "During a depressive episode, I find it more helpful to tell my friends that I'm struggling with depression than to tell them a lot about my depression, if that makes sense. "

This is what I came to say, and since you've marked it as a best, I just want to echo it. It's like a lot of other illnesses — just being able to mention that it's what I'm dealing with without getting into details both lets me let go of the burden of keeping it to myself, and it also lets them know that you're not really looking for mental health work from them so much as just hanging out, distraction, whatever. (In my more grandiose moments I also think it helps to reduce stigma to be open about this stuff, but who the fuck knows.)
posted by klangklangston at 8:30 PM on December 27, 2015 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: The memails emails and calls I have gotten on this are incredible. Some start with " hope this isn't weird" but it's so not weird, I would not have had energy to finish this online class I'm doing without the notes. I'm overwhelmed, so many thanks.
posted by sweetkid at 9:06 PM on December 27, 2015 [4 favorites]

Best answer: I went through something like this a couple of months ago, and I just put up a request on Facebook, saying that I was a bit down and needed some help getting out and having fun. And people came through. Over the next few weeks, I had lunch and a movie with my sister, and her husband painted my railings. I went to a yoga class with one friend and hiking with another. An old friend called to chat. And others made offers I couldn't take up. It didn't cure my depression, but it got me out of my head for a while and left me feeling cared for. And that's really what I needed most.
posted by islandeady at 9:49 AM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]

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