Good responses to comments on my clothing

December 21, 2015 6:32 PM

I like to wear pants, long sleeve shirts, and hoodies. It's what I feel comfortable in. Even in the summer. Even when the heat is cranked up high during the winter. Many people feel compelled to comment on my attire. What's something I can say to brush it off?

I'm not gonna lie, this bothers me. I have a skin condition on my arms and I'm overweight so I like to cover myself up and dress in a way that I feel comfortable with myself. Otherwise my anxiety skyrockets. (I also worry about skin cancer). The mental comfort my outfit brings me overrides any physical discomfort (like wearing a light hoodie during the summer). And feeling bothered by the heat is usually mind over matter for me. I'll often keep my jacket on when I go over someone's house or eat in a restaurant.

This seems to bother people. Friends, family, co-workers and even sometimes strangers make comments about how I dress. They say things like "Take that off, you're making me hot!" (and they are being serious), "Why don't you take off that jacket and stay a while?", " Aren't you hot in that?!" (with a scrunched up face). Some even come right out and ask, "Why do you always wear long sleeves/pants?" Etc.

I realize this might seem minor, but it happens fairly regularly, and often by people who say it over and over again. What are some good responses I can use to dismiss these comments? I'm not going to get into the real reasons why I like to dress the way I do, but at the same time I want to make it clear to people that it's none of their business and for repeat offenders to bug off. Thank you! :)

posted by blackzinfandel to Human Relations (39 answers total)

Best answer: "I'm comfortable. You know, everyone's internal thermometer is different! SO ANYWAY, *change of subject*"
posted by wintersweet at 6:44 PM on December 21, 2015 [16 favorites]

"I am actually super comfy, thanks!"

"Hey, I have an image to maintain. You wouldn't tell Elvis Costello to take off his glasses, would you?"
posted by dayintoday at 6:46 PM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

"Thank you for your concern, but I'm perfectly comfortable."

What are they gonna do? Argue with you that, in fact, you're not comfortable?
posted by SillyShepherd at 6:47 PM on December 21, 2015 [14 favorites]

Try practicing the non-committal answer and re-direct.
"Take that off, you're making me hot!" I'm sorry. Isn't this pasta yummy?
"Why don't you take off that jacket and stay a while?" Oh, I'm fine, thanks. Did you see the game on Sunday?
"Aren't you hot in that?!" Oh, I'm fine. How about those bears?
"Why do you always wear long sleeves/pants?" It's comfy! Have you seen [latest movie]? Famous Actor was pretty great.

With people who persist, try the non-committal and re-direct one more time and then be more direct:
"Aren't you hot in that?!" Oh, I'm fine. How about those bears? "Yeah but it's boiling today!" Oh, I'm fine. Say, I read the weirdest thing on Metafilter the other day. "Yeah, but you'll get heat stroke!" Yeah, but I'm not really interested in talking about clothes. See you later.
posted by Beti at 6:48 PM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: "Take off your jacket and stay awhile."
"I'm fine. Thanks."
"Take that off. You're making me hot."
"I'm fine. Thanks."
"Why do you dress like that?"
"I'm fine. Thanks."

No matter what, don't give them anything else. By saying the same thing over and over, you're refusing to engage with them. Eventually, they'll give up.
posted by FencingGal at 6:50 PM on December 21, 2015 [17 favorites]

"I'm comfortable." And then when they persist, or the next time they repeat themselves, just say "Yes, so you've said. And as I've said, I'm comfortable."
posted by headnsouth at 6:51 PM on December 21, 2015 [5 favorites]

Everyone's suggestions are good. You could also move to San Francisco, where your outfit would be normal year-round and you'd probably never get a comment again. :)
posted by three_red_balloons at 6:55 PM on December 21, 2015 [5 favorites]

Best answer: I had a co-worker who had similar attire to you, plus he always wore a knit cap. When asked once why he always wore the cap and sweaters even in the height of summer, his answer was "religious reasons." That shut people up so fast you could feel the collective cringe.
posted by oxisos at 6:57 PM on December 21, 2015 [28 favorites]

You want me to take my clothes off, I'm making you HOT?! Dude...I..I...I'm flattered, but I'm really not into you that way. Wow. This is uncomfortable. (Bonus points for telling ℅ workers that sexual harassment is frowned upon in the workplace! ;)
posted by Jubey at 6:57 PM on December 21, 2015 [9 favorites]

Best answer: I agree with FencingGal--any engagement prolongs your agony. "I'm fine. Thanks." If pushed really far "Please stop asking. I'm fine. Thanks."

The people who think they are hilarious will not become convinced they are not if you don't joke around (they'll just think you're humorless). The people who think it's not rude to constantly question your clothing choices won't learn to be polite about it if you call out how uncomfortable they are making you (they'll blame you for being dramatic). People who are clueless and harmless will remain so.

It's no-one's business and, frankly, it's not really that bizarre in our stupidly climate-controlled overly air conditioned environments for people to wear long sleeves all year. Just deflect "I'm fine. Thanks." even if it's a direct question like "Why are you wearing that?" You're saying that you're fine while simultaneously signalling that you're not going to have this conversation with them.
posted by crush-onastick at 6:58 PM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

Will ridiculous deflects work for you?

"I can't take it off, you'll all find out that I'm actually three smaller people in a large coat!"
"The day-star, it burns! Hisssss!"
"I could show you but then I'd have to kill you."
"I'm melting, I'm melting! What a world, what a world!"

Options here expand if you're up for letting people think you may have a weird medical issue, or religious preferences, or just like making really weird jokes. If you can change the focus of the interaction to you being goofy, it should defuse a lot of the situation.
posted by bile and syntax at 7:02 PM on December 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

I'm an asshole (at times) so I'd be tempted to say something like "I have scars/birth marks/ obscene tattoos/the rite of cthulhu written in indelible ink on my arms and I like to keep them covered. That okay with you??"

They make you uncomfortable, they should get a piece of that pie.

(Once I lost a lot of weight thanks to a near-death medical event. When people cooed over my weight loss and asked me what my secret was I would tell them. And they would shut the hell up.)
posted by bunderful at 7:04 PM on December 21, 2015 [7 favorites]

Just laugh and say, "I'm comfortable!"

They're just being friendly. They're not trying to annoy you or upset you.
posted by discopolo at 7:12 PM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

I'd be tempted to give a non-answer like a very relaxed "Well, gosh" and maybe a small shrug like their interference is just sliding off your shoulders. (I might be an asshole, too, at least on the inside.)
posted by puddledork at 7:27 PM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

It comes from a good place. If this is coming from repeat offenders who you call friends or family, or a close coworker, I'd encourage you to say something with an edge of truth to help them get it and know not to ask again.

"Yeah, I have personal reasons for always wearing long sleeves. You don't need to worry about it though, thanks!"

"Thanks - I'm actually more comfortable in long sleeves. Appreciate it though."

"I prefer long sleeves. It's not for everyone though!"
posted by samthemander at 7:29 PM on December 21, 2015 [5 favorites]

So I 100% agree that comments about regular long sleeves/hoodie/blazer should be dealt with as above. You have every right to wear long sleeves and shut people down for questioning that.

However, you mentioned wearing your jacket or coat indoors... And to offer a slightly different perspective, I was taught that it was very rude to wear your coat indoors (particularly to a meal!), and people may be reacting to this. Even if I was your friend, you sitting around in my home in your coat for more than 5/10 mins it would make me uncomfortable and it would worry me that somehow my hospitality is lacking. In a restaurant, if I didn't know you well enough to accept this as a quirk of yours (ie.a colleague), I would be worried that you were looking for any excuse to ditch me and walk out.
posted by larthegreat at 8:00 PM on December 21, 2015 [29 favorites]

Best answer: It's highly likely some people are commenting because your clothing choices are stirring up their own anxieties like, 'Is this person so uncomfortable around me that they don't want to take off their jacket? Are they going to leave at any minute?'

Of course your comfort trumps their comfort and it's rude of them to expect otherwise, but if you want to smooth things down, you could try to address their worries.

'Don't worry! I'm comfortable as I am.'
'No worries. I'm good. '
posted by brambory at 8:12 PM on December 21, 2015 [8 favorites]

It comes from a good place. If this is coming from repeat offender

I don't really get this, are you saying they think the OP is uncomfortably hot but has no idea what to do about it? It seems very passive aggressive and patronizing to me. Then again I absolutely hate to be given unsolicited advice. At any rate I agree with the consistent response of "I'm fine, thanks."
posted by JenMarie at 8:18 PM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

I don't really get this, are you saying they think the OP is uncomfortably hot but has no idea what to do about it?

Well, if I were friends with the op, this would be a way that I would try to subtly signal that I'm not going to judge them for whatever is under their heavy clothes that they're trying to keep hidden. I'd want my friends to feel comfortable in my home, and I could easily see myself being guilty of over-prodding in this area. I would hate for a friend to feel like if they let their guard down around me I'd make fun or judge them.

Though a straightforward and earnest "I'm fine, really!" would be enough for me to drop it.
posted by phunniemee at 8:25 PM on December 21, 2015 [7 favorites]

If you actually look like you're hot and uncomfortable in the clothes you like, and people are in part responding to that, one non-verbal response might be to go for "technical" climate-controlled hoodies etc. (like dri-fit) so that you actually look as comfortable as you feel. (I was going to suggest summer linens [in summer], but appreciate that the Ricardo Montalban look might not be for everyone.)

Otherwise, nth "Oh thanks for your concern, but I really am comfortable". If you think the "hmm, blackzinfandel looks like they don't really want to stick around" thing is a factor, reassure them that you're settling in in other ways ("Really good to see you, looking forward to this lunch!") and then change the topic.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:35 PM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I saw a cartoon on the internet recently where someone asked a woman in a hijab, "aren't you hot in that?" Her reply was "No, I'm fucking gorgeous."
posted by bendy at 8:55 PM on December 21, 2015 [5 favorites]

"Yeah I run cold." Smile and change subject. I agree that at least some of them are seeing someone who looks uncomfortable in their home and clumsily trying to broach the subject of seeing if there's some way they can help. You can probably mitigate those by figuring out a way to stay covered up without wearing what looks like outdoor wear indoors.
posted by bleep at 9:29 PM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

I used to get a lot of the same thing in high school. When "I'm fine," failed, "I like it," usually did the trick; I guess trying to convince someone that they don't like something is more trouble than it's worth.
posted by WCWedin at 9:35 PM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

So, I don't want to sound harsh, but you seem to be selecting answers that are going to lead to more discussion about this in the long run, not less, and IDK what the advice-givers there had in mind, but I think you need to decide if you want people to stop asking you things you don't want to talk about, or if you want to let people know they need to back off. Because these aren't the same things.

Because here is an unfortunate truth: anything that sounds even remotely defensive or cues at some deep personal reason for doing things you don't want to discuss, like "Please stop asking," or repeating a phrase like "I'm fine, thanks" in a stonewalling way until it starts to sound hostile or confrontational, is 100% going to generate drama. People will stop thinking of your dress sense as a quirk and start remembering it as a Sensitive Subject. Don't use these responses if you actually want people to stop asking you why you wear long sleeves, or if you want them to stop *wondering* why you do. Saying or hinting that there is a personal reason for some behavior of yours that they are now aware of and need to emotionally maneuver around is going to make people invest more emotional energy into thinking about whatever that thing is, not less, especially if they are your friends and care about you and your emotional well-being. I don't want to sound creepy or tell you to lie, but seriously if you actually just want people to stop bugging you about your clothes, come up with a white lie or neutral/boring explanation like "I run cold" and stick with it.

Deflection isn't about making people respect your choices, it's about finding an effective way of normalizing what you do to the extent that they don't even recognize those things as choices to question or remark on. Decide what conversation you want to be having with the people who make small talk about the way you dress and proceed accordingly.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 10:51 PM on December 21, 2015 [12 favorites]

Seconding "because I like it" as a good response. I have people argue with me about my clothing choices all the time because I do run cold and they don't. People think that if they are uncomfortable or would be then you must be as well. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:11 PM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: It's far more rude to comment on someone else's social faux pas, like wearing a coat to a meal, than it is for the person to wear the coat in the first instance.

"No thank you" is a useful general response to to people telling you what to do. If someone asks if you're hot, just reply that if you were hot, you'd take your coat off. Or even just ignore them, then immediately change the subject. Any kind of explanation is likely to encourage further questioning.
posted by Solomon at 12:11 AM on December 22, 2015

Another variant that I use is "I just run a bit cold", shrug, and move on to the next thing.
posted by crocomancer at 1:30 AM on December 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

social faux pas, like wearing a coat to a meal,

Wait, what? Is this a faux pas? Where? I'm not being sarcastic, I'm from a family that wasn't really concerned with that kind of thing. I am aware of dress code levels, but I wasn't aware that there was a "no coats" thing?
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 1:53 AM on December 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

Dressing like you describe is necessarily going to attract comments. People can't read your mind and know it's a sensitive subject, so the onus is on you to respond gracefully.

Some of these responses are quite rude and going to make the problem worse. This includes changing the subject and stonewalling. I know someone who does that. The reason we bring up the subject of their dress is that we belong to a group that wears a sort of uniform and his refusing to wear it properly reflects on all of us. Anyway, not quite the same - but his attempts to abruptly change the subject come across as bizarre and generate at least as much gossip as the way he dresses.

If you really want to make the minimum fuss possible, you probably need to laugh the comment off with a self deprecating remark ('haha - yes I'm a funny old thing, but I just like to be comfortable. Thanks for looking out for me - that's so kind'). Of course, telling people you're self conscious & have a skin problem is also a guaranteed way to make the problem go away with people you see more than once.
posted by JeanDupont at 2:24 AM on December 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Sometimes these comments can come from a good place, but often they truly are not. They are said with exasperation. Not in a friendly way.

I think I'll switch between "I'm comfortable, thank you" or something funnier depending on the relationship I have with the person. And to clarify, to close friends I have explained why I dress the way I do. I do not explain to casual friends.

I didn't know wearing a jacket in someone else's house was considered rude by some people. It seems to me that would their own hang up vs. mine. I'm not wearing giant winter coats inside, it's usually something light over a hoodie. But, like not looking at your phone at the table, or wearing a hat indoors, it sounds outdated. Most people I know do those things.

Thanks, all. It's good to see the different reactions and not just the ones I agree with.
posted by blackzinfandel at 2:42 AM on December 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

Look at them and say "Really?", every.single.time. Or, say it once and never reply to the comment again.
posted by HuronBob at 4:37 AM on December 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

Since I brought it up, wearing your outermost layer, a jacket/coat ( and this applies to hats!), inside is considered extraordinarily rude in my culture ( New York City-er, European ancestry- if that matters) ; it's not necessarily a hang-up, it's just how myself and many other were brought up. To be honest, I really haven't come across anyone (including in modest clothing cultures like frum or hijabi) that keep their outermost layers on inside, so maybe it's a regional thing?

Personally, it wouldn't occur to me to even ask about a long sleeved shirt, sweater or hoodie in summer/any other time of year, but I would ask if you were comfortable, or if there was anything I could do to make you more comfortable if you wore a jacket in my home. Not even intentionally; it's just every time I'd glance over, I'd think "oh no, they're about to bolt, crap how do I make this better", and probably 9/10x I'd stop myself, but you would still get the overflow from the 1/10x. Reassuring me that you're comfortable should be enough to stop it.
posted by larthegreat at 5:57 AM on December 22, 2015 [7 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks for expanding, larthegreat. Maybe I'll just stick to hoodies when I'm a guest. :)
posted by blackzinfandel at 6:26 AM on December 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

Is this a faux pas? Where?

Here in the UK it's a thing. My mom will often snap "aren't you stopping?!" at my dad when he forgets to take his coat off.
posted by Solomon at 7:56 AM on December 22, 2015 [5 favorites]

Just want to nth that taking off your jacket in someone's home or at dinner is preferred. Otherwise the impression is you are leaving — even if it should be rationally clear you are not. It makes me uncomfortable when people do this, for sure. (Background: grew up in LA, live in NYC.) I wonder if this would help reduce the number of comments.
posted by dame at 12:37 PM on December 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

You could also consider just telling the truth. You might find that getting it out there would make you less self-conscious about it.

I have an acquaintance who when asked about his long sleeves at the gym just says "I have psoriasis." Be prepared for a follow-up question or two, but you shouldn't have to have that conversation more than once per person.
posted by callmejay at 1:34 PM on December 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

Absolutely, don't wear outerwear indoors. It does make you look like you're anxious to leave or are very uncomfortable. I would feel a little anxious if a guest wouldn't take off their coat, even if they assured me they were fine.

You could consider saying to friends or other people you have an actual relationship with (as opposed to, say, a receptionist at an office), "I have a medical condition that requires me to be covered up," and then answer follow-up questions with, "I don't want to discuss it, but I'm fine, thanks." I know you said you don't necessarily want to get into the reasons, but I think that's something people would readily accept.
posted by chickenmagazine at 8:00 AM on December 23, 2015

I was the one who said it comes from a good place.

So, maybe not always, but I have to believe this it comes from a belief that if my guest continues to wear layers when it's warm without any other explanation means that: 1) my guest is likely physically uncomfortable, 2) as their host/friend, it is my responsibility to help them feel comfortable, 3) since they do seem uncomfortable, if they decline my initial offer to put down their hoodie somewhere safe, they probably feel like it would put me out to offer them that kindness... Therefore I should ask again, to make sure they understand I was genuinely trying to help them, not bluff/courtesy offering.

Maybe this sounds crazy, but it is totally how some people's minds work. To this former Midwesterner, who lived through winters of people arriving at my home and peeling off layers, I can tell my guests are comfortable when my guests peel down to their t-shirt. It's similar to declining a glass of tea or snack in cultures where accepting gifts of food is considered polite.

To be clear - I completely understand where you're coming from. I have a Skin Thing on my legs and for years, I only wore pants (no skirts, no shorts) and got many questions about it (fortunately people don't often ask if you'd be more comfortable taking off your pants!). You have the right to wear what makes you comfortable! Just know that the other people who you interact with are just trying to help, and 99% of they time they are just trying to be a good friend/host.
posted by samthemander at 8:44 AM on December 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

I'd turn it into a joke.

"You sound like my mother. Because you're warm I have to take off my jacket." Then smile.

Then if they bring it up again.

"I'm fine thanks mum." and smile some more to show lack of malice.

Rinse & repeat.
posted by wwax at 8:31 AM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]