Dealing with elderly family that suddenly is rejecting me?
December 13, 2015 10:29 AM Subscribe
My grandmother, in her late 80's, has recently and quite abruptly decided that she does not want myself, my brother, or my mother (her daughter) in her life. We suspect she is in cognitive decline but have no formal diagnosis. She has decided to cling to my unstable and very hard to deal with aunt, which is problematic for several reasons. I am not sure how to proceed here, both from a legal standpoint to ensure my grandmother is taken care of properly and from a personal standpoint to navigate any remaining hope of a relationship. More details inside.
My elderly grandmother was widowed 2 years ago and has lived relatively OK on her own until about 6 months ago. She was (nonviolently) robbed in her home, which triggered quite a family crisis. Key to know: My mother and her sister have had a fraught and very difficult relationship their entire lives. My aunt is unreliable, selfish, paranoid, greedy and an exhausting person to interact with.
Facts:
+Grandmother has become slowly more mentally challenged...she often will stare into space silently and disconnect from what is going on around her. She can, however, recall details from her childhood and loves to tell old stories. Her personality has always been warm, kind and loving, until now.
+She "went blank" for lack of a better phrase when her husband died 2.5 years ago and left my mom to do the labor around his death (emotional and otherwise). My aunt did nothing to help my mother deal with his passing as she was "too busy".
+After grandmother was robbed, she temporarily moved to my aunt's home 7 hrs away to stay for the summer as my mom was also recovering from knee replacement and could not take her in.
+At the end of August, all contact with my grandmother was suddenly cut off. Aunt refused to take calls or return emails about her whereabouts, future plans for her care, etc. Just radio silence.
+in October, my brother and mother show up unannounced at my aunt's home. My mother has a brief and strange conversation with grandmother wherein grandma tells her she's going to return to her home, remodel it (it needs extensive repairs) and remarry. These are all very, very unlikely things for her to do at 87 years old and she has never said anything like this before. She says she doesn't want to see my mom again and have a nice life, door shuts.
+I finally reach her via phone a few weeks later. She tells me to stop calling and she doesn't want to speak to me again. All of this is apropos of nothing - we have had a very close and loving relationship my entire life. I don't recognize this person at all.
So, we suspect that she's in some stages of dementia and is possibly being influenced by my aunt against us. We are baffled as to why she has suddenly and without reason decided she wants nothing to do with us and is cutting us out.
Grandmother has no will, power of attorney, etc, and a decent amount of cash in the bank. It's not unlikely that my aunt will take control of her assets and my mom will be left with nothing once she passes.
Do I continue to reach out to my grandmother and pretend the last conversation didn't happen and hope she does want a relationship with us? Do we walk away and move on mentally, grieving her as if she died and let my aunt care for her for the rest of her days?
Also, can/should we pursue any legal action - mostly to force a mental evaluation? I understand conservtorship is difficult and we likely won't go that route.
What the hell do we do now?
My elderly grandmother was widowed 2 years ago and has lived relatively OK on her own until about 6 months ago. She was (nonviolently) robbed in her home, which triggered quite a family crisis. Key to know: My mother and her sister have had a fraught and very difficult relationship their entire lives. My aunt is unreliable, selfish, paranoid, greedy and an exhausting person to interact with.
Facts:
+Grandmother has become slowly more mentally challenged...she often will stare into space silently and disconnect from what is going on around her. She can, however, recall details from her childhood and loves to tell old stories. Her personality has always been warm, kind and loving, until now.
+She "went blank" for lack of a better phrase when her husband died 2.5 years ago and left my mom to do the labor around his death (emotional and otherwise). My aunt did nothing to help my mother deal with his passing as she was "too busy".
+After grandmother was robbed, she temporarily moved to my aunt's home 7 hrs away to stay for the summer as my mom was also recovering from knee replacement and could not take her in.
+At the end of August, all contact with my grandmother was suddenly cut off. Aunt refused to take calls or return emails about her whereabouts, future plans for her care, etc. Just radio silence.
+in October, my brother and mother show up unannounced at my aunt's home. My mother has a brief and strange conversation with grandmother wherein grandma tells her she's going to return to her home, remodel it (it needs extensive repairs) and remarry. These are all very, very unlikely things for her to do at 87 years old and she has never said anything like this before. She says she doesn't want to see my mom again and have a nice life, door shuts.
+I finally reach her via phone a few weeks later. She tells me to stop calling and she doesn't want to speak to me again. All of this is apropos of nothing - we have had a very close and loving relationship my entire life. I don't recognize this person at all.
So, we suspect that she's in some stages of dementia and is possibly being influenced by my aunt against us. We are baffled as to why she has suddenly and without reason decided she wants nothing to do with us and is cutting us out.
Grandmother has no will, power of attorney, etc, and a decent amount of cash in the bank. It's not unlikely that my aunt will take control of her assets and my mom will be left with nothing once she passes.
Do I continue to reach out to my grandmother and pretend the last conversation didn't happen and hope she does want a relationship with us? Do we walk away and move on mentally, grieving her as if she died and let my aunt care for her for the rest of her days?
Also, can/should we pursue any legal action - mostly to force a mental evaluation? I understand conservtorship is difficult and we likely won't go that route.
What the hell do we do now?
A few realities:
If your grandmother has added your aunt as a joint owner on a bank account or has signed a power of attorney naming your aunt as her agent, there might well not be any way that you or your mother would know.
Adult Protective Services, in most locations, will not take action unless there is evidence of financial abuse. In some locations, APS may investigate based on the facts as described, but don't be surprised to hear the response that an investigation will not be done without more.
In my state, an elderly person who has signed a power of attorney will not have a conservator appointed without some showing that the agent is acting improperly.
posted by megatherium at 11:28 AM on December 13, 2015
If your grandmother has added your aunt as a joint owner on a bank account or has signed a power of attorney naming your aunt as her agent, there might well not be any way that you or your mother would know.
Adult Protective Services, in most locations, will not take action unless there is evidence of financial abuse. In some locations, APS may investigate based on the facts as described, but don't be surprised to hear the response that an investigation will not be done without more.
In my state, an elderly person who has signed a power of attorney will not have a conservator appointed without some showing that the agent is acting improperly.
posted by megatherium at 11:28 AM on December 13, 2015
My relatives really were financially abusing my late grandmother when she was in cognitive decline, and we couldn't do a thing. They absolutely brainwashed her into cutting the rest of us off. Grieve the woman you had a relationship with, because she is gone now. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
posted by Ruki at 11:34 AM on December 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Ruki at 11:34 AM on December 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
Links to elder law resources that can be searched by location are available at the MeFi Wiki Get a lawyer page. A consultation with an attorney who has experience with these types of issues will likely be relatively inexpensive, and local bar associations may offer free or low-cost consultations as part of their lawyer referral services. You may also want to review collected AskMes related to elder law and disability issues.
If there is documentation of your aunt's instability (i.e. criminal charges, evictions, traffic violations) you likely can search local court records online by her name and start collecting documentation to help protect your grandmother.
posted by Little Dawn at 11:40 AM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
If there is documentation of your aunt's instability (i.e. criminal charges, evictions, traffic violations) you likely can search local court records online by her name and start collecting documentation to help protect your grandmother.
posted by Little Dawn at 11:40 AM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm so sorry for you calitocarolina. Apart from all the sensible and practical advise above, I suggest you invest some time in a trip and just go see her. Mothers and daughters are one thing. Grandmothers and grandchildren are something entirely different. You love her. Go there and talk with her. At least give it a try, before you decide to lawyer up.
posted by ouke at 12:22 PM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by ouke at 12:22 PM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Are there other family members who might have a better relationship with your Aunt who can give you some idea what's going on? How is your relationship with your Aunt? Is there any chance you can reach out directly to her?
I have no idea what's really happening, but I'm thinking about the way your grandmother responded to you on the phone. I had a close encounter with dementia (Alzheimer's) when I was young and one of the first big signs was that the person started shoving away family because he didn't remember them and that's how he was hiding it. I know that his kids had this same conversation (never call me again!) before they realised what was actually happening.
posted by frumiousb at 2:53 PM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have no idea what's really happening, but I'm thinking about the way your grandmother responded to you on the phone. I had a close encounter with dementia (Alzheimer's) when I was young and one of the first big signs was that the person started shoving away family because he didn't remember them and that's how he was hiding it. I know that his kids had this same conversation (never call me again!) before they realised what was actually happening.
posted by frumiousb at 2:53 PM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
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I agree that you don't want to bring a possible inheritance into this when you talk to professionals, because that will make you look self-interested. But DO call a lawyer specializing in elder law, and your local social services. Such an abrupt cutting-off of formerly loved family members is worrying, especially given what you've said about your aunt. It's possible that your grandmother is being controlled - at least, or abused - at worst, by your aunt. Unfortunately, family members are usually the culprits in elder abuse. Good luck!
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 11:12 AM on December 13, 2015