It's been a long December-- reason to believe

December 11, 2015 8:18 AM

It's been a long year for Draccy. I've separated, started divorce proceedings, had a huge mental health scare and am currently battling loneliness, shame and desolation. My hand aches where my wedding band used to be. I used to fidget with it. I miss it. So here's the scoop.

What types of rings are acceptable for a straight man to wear?
Is it a socially acceptable norm for a non-married man to wear hand jewelry?
Is there something you'd recommend?
My specific interests: Astronomy, Fantasy novels, BiPolar awareness, something positive to look at daily to remind me to live.

A secondary question that has been answered in the past, but that I truly would like an answer to on this thread (if I don't get bumped for adding a second theme. My divorce will be final in February. I initiated it, and I truly mourn the marriage and that it didn't succeed. I'm the person whose actions lead to this. How would you commemorate the day? How would you honor the marriage and then let it go/forgive?

Thank you to all who respond, and please be kind if possible. It's been a very, very long, tough and lonely year.

posted by Draccy to Society & Culture (22 answers total)

Best answer: I am so sorry this year has been so tough. I think it's absolutely acceptable for a man to wear a ring, especially if it is a support and reminder to stay strong.

My first thought was a 'spinner' ring, with a center piece that you can play with. They also make for nice, clean rings for men.

I think wearing it in a different finger might be best, so you are not directly reminded of the wedding band. Maybe the middle finger?
posted by Vaike at 8:31 AM on December 11, 2015 [6 favorites]

There's a tradition I learned about recently of steel rings for engineers in the US and Canada. If you happen to be an engineer, why not get one, otherwise you can use it for inspiration.
posted by Joe Chip at 8:35 AM on December 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Yes, men can wear rings. There may be some confusion if you wear it on your wedding finger, but that's fine, it's not really your problem if that's what you want to do, nor will any global disasters occur if someone thinks you're married when you're not.

As a jumping-off point, I popped over to Pat Rothfuss's Worldbuilders charity drive page, because I know he's got some Name of the Wind-related men's jewelry there *and* proceeds go to the charity drive, and I believe there's power in a gesture that also does a social good. They have a ring made of antler (shed naturally, not taken from the deer), that's quite interesting and attractive.

They also have a wooden ring, and I can tell you from experience with most wooden jewelry that it's going to break eventually. Might be a few months, might be a few years, but I like the idea of it (probably) having an expiration date, because you wear it for now to represent this time in your life, and then it breaks and you choose something new for the next one. But if you luck out and it lasts a really long time, it should weather and age over that time so that it's going to look entirely different ten years from now - and so will your life. This too will pass.

There are other very brittle ring materials if you wanted to go that route. There are also incredibly strong ones if you wanted to go that direction. Titanium, tungsten, steel, carbon fiber are all really popular for men's rings. I point people to Etsy to poke around for stuff like that, you may stumble across just exactly the perfect thing.

A warning, though: because men are not generally a big ring-purchasing market, pretty much all non-sports-related rings are cataloged as wedding bands. It's just marketing, it's a ring, it goes around your finger, it can be for whatever you want it to be.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:42 AM on December 11, 2015 [4 favorites]

Go ahead and wear a ring. I like Vaike's idea of a spinner ring. Also by all means create a ritual for yourself in February. They have specific divorce rituals in Japan. Also on valentine's day maybe you can commit to loving and celebrating yourself in the year ahead. Treat yourself to a nice dinner, etc
posted by biggreenplant at 8:46 AM on December 11, 2015

Best answer: Is it a socially acceptable norm for a non-married man to wear hand jewelry?

Oh HELL yeah. There's even an article on the concept in the Art Of Manliness website, and if that isn't an endorsement, I don't know what is.

I suspect you may be trying to confirm whether it's still "a thing" that a man wearing a ring was a sort of "code" to indicate ones' sexuality, but that's not necessarily a Thing any more.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:47 AM on December 11, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I'm not a straight man but I like to wear masculine-styled jewelry and I have several rings from TheMetallicBoutique on Etsy. They sell cheap but nice stainless steel and titanium rings. I imagine you can find other similar products but I wanted to mention them because I have direct positive experience with them. They also do cheap engraving -- you could have them engrave something to help you feel better on the ring.

I do agree with previous commenters -- don't wear it on your wedding ring finger. You will quickly adjust to having the ring on your opposite hand or another finger, in my experience, and I previously wore left-hand ring finger rings for many, many years.

As for commemorating your divorce day...... I spent mine with dear friends who had helped me through the bad times. Having them around me reminded me of what I still had going forward, and that losing a relationship didn't mean losing all relationships.
posted by possibilityleft at 8:48 AM on December 11, 2015

Best answer: This ring with gears is perhaps the ultimate fidgeter's ring.

Very sorry for the tough time you are going through, and great job saying that out loud (so to speak) and taking some steps for yourself.

As a depressive person, I've been toying with the idea of getting a wrist tattoo of a semicolon for some time now. Not exactly a ring, but it might be one way to give yourself a reminder when you are wrestling with the mental health stuff. Perhaps a temporary sharpie version to start?
posted by cubby at 8:49 AM on December 11, 2015 [3 favorites]

If you've got, or can procure, a class ring, from college or high school, this may be an 'old fashioned' way to occupy this space.
posted by Doc_Sock at 8:51 AM on December 11, 2015

You might also want to look at this very similar question from last month: How weird would it be to wear a wedding ring when I'm unmarried?
posted by crazy with stars at 9:11 AM on December 11, 2015

Response by poster: @cubby I did get the semi-colon tattoo and will post a picture of it later today.

@Lyn Never- I love the antler ring... I've contacted the seller as the resale place has discontinued. It's a beautiful ring.

Everyone else, I appreciate you so much. Please keep suggestions coming in. I can't tell you how much your support means.
posted by Draccy at 9:20 AM on December 11, 2015

Best answer: You can imbue a ring with any symbolism you desire. I suggest you spend some time wandering through a meatspace (not online) jewelry shop or antiques shop or pawn shop or what have you to try on and find a ring that feels good and right to you. Then you can take advantage of the malleability of metal and edit that ring however you care to: a specific etching or ingraving, a surface finish or electroplating, a gemstone, a piece of wood in place of a stone, you name it. Invent your own meaning.

My partner was married to someone for 23 years before they divorced. He initiated it, too, and was likewise sad to see it go in a very mixed feelings sort of way. He felt like it had been a failure. But it never hurts to be reminded that a marriage of any duration in the era of meaningless Vegas weddings is not a failure. You had X years of it, which is X years of not failing.

Partner (who is working from home today, too) just said I should tell you that for the first couple years he tried to commemorate the official divorce date with a whiskey, but that he couldn't manage to remember the date until it had already passed. His point being, I think, that a year from now this feeling will very likely have a different, less raw character. And, if I say so myself, eventually he met me and was able to let his divorce remorse occupy something other than the front of his mind.

Be well.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:33 AM on December 11, 2015 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Viking style rings. I'm female, but I have such squat fingers that only chunky rings generally designed for men look 'right' on me; I also wear them on my forefinger or thumb, as that's most comfortable, and never likely to be taken for a wedding ring. In terms of being acceptable for straight men to wear, very much so (though I have a slightly biased sample of geeks, re-enactors and metalheads for reference).

The Jelling Dragon do a good range of chunky rings very suitable for guys; I have the rune ring, and I like the weight to fidget with (and the message that it gives good luck doesn't go amiss either). Though the dragons or the wolves might be more to your taste and situation, perhaps? There are also plenty of other places you'll find that do similar but different designs (for example this ring from a Norwegian company, which does ship internationally - I've had some very well-made earrings from them, but can't speak for their rings).
posted by Vortisaur at 10:20 AM on December 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: And another thought - for male goths, rings are virtually compulsory, and you can often get them relatively cheaply. So if your fingers are different sizes and you're not sure which one would be most comfortable for your new ring, you could get some cheap goth rings and wear them round the house to find which is the best finger to fidget with, then buy a better ring for long term. Going onto Amazon and searching "gothic ring men" in men's jewelry gets a selection which I suspect has far too many skulls for your purposes, but among them are things like this knotwork ring and this chunkier version along the same theme - both of which are under $10, if you'd like to test the idea out.
posted by Vortisaur at 10:35 AM on December 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I really liked my wedding ring too, so after six or eight months of separation I decided to "deconsecrate" it, and just stuck it back on as a plain ol' bit of jewelry. It helps that I used to be a goth (as per Vortisaur!) and never gave up the habit of wearing rings - the band on my left ring finger reads less strongly as a "wedding ring", as it is accompanied by a couple of others that are obviously just jewelry.

I don't really understand your question about social acceptability. Maybe it's just that I run with weirdoes and artists and people who are generally nonconformists in some way or another, but the men I know wear whatever the fuck jewelry they want.
posted by Mars Saxman at 10:54 AM on December 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Wear whatever you want on your hands. I used to be weird about wearing something where my wedding band used to be, but fuck it. I now wear a simple silver ring on that finger that looks like the equality symbol (||) and I like it. I'm the only one who matters in this regard. If other people have impertinent questions they can keep them to themselves.

As for what I did to mark my change of status, I don't know that it was about my divorce, but it's about me, post divorce. I got a tattoo, a big beautiful thing that reminds me to love myself.

You will get through this. Once you realize it won't kill you, you kind of have to get going again, because stasis is just too weird. It will be okay.
posted by Medieval Maven at 12:15 PM on December 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

Sorry to hear things kinda suck a bit.

But things will get better!

WRT to wearing a ring ... go for it. Some people claim that taken men are more attractive to women (citing the entire "you want what you can't have" thing). What's the worse that happens, a woman think you're cute and then find out that you're not married? Whatever.
posted by Brian Puccio at 2:45 PM on December 11, 2015

Peace to you. Absolutely wear a ring - perhaps wearing it on the Ring Finger will be healing for you, and you can symbolically remove it when you feel ready. Perhaps on the middle finger next to it would be better. Try both and see what feels better. As to style, nth-ing spinner ring, especially one that isn't the plain gold band of a wedding band.

Commemorative Rituals - consider doing something outside yourself, like maybe volunteer somewhere for the day (and maybe keep going back). Many cities/counties have a volunteer coordination agency that will post opportunities, or even meet with you to match you up with the right organization. Or plant a tree, start a container garden or something similarly full of life.

I find that forgiveness comes with time and experience. If you want to forgive, you can. Simply give yourself permission. Start by forgiving yourself.
posted by AliceBlue at 4:16 PM on December 11, 2015

Best answer: I'm not divorced, but I am long separated. And I no longer wear my ring. But I do wear, with my hubby's permission, the family ring my in-laws gave me before I got an actual wedding ring. When my husband stopped wearing his ring eventually, I decided to take mine off as well and wear the other ring because I loved his now-dead parents and they loved me. So wear whatever works for you on whatever finger that feels good.

I wish you didn't feel like a failure or having been part of a failure. I've been separated for 7 years now but don't feel like a failure. The transition took a few years and a lot of pain but the result is that my life is better, and so are the lives of my kid and my husband. My marriage wasn't working. I tried for several years to make it better and that wasn't going to happen.

When I met people shortly after my separation, some of them told me how much they wished they were as brave as I was. They, too, were miserable but couldn't face the idea of a divorce. So consider working to reframe how you think of the end of your marriage. Perhaps it's not a failure. Perhaps it could be thought of as a successful acceptance of reality. As a successful act of self-care. As a wise decision. You are always allowed to mourn the death of your marriage. But you're not obligated to feel like a failure. Seriously, divorce is painful and yet also brave and often the exactly right thing to do. And it usually leads to a better life. Not overnight, but eventually. So whatever ring you pick, pick a ring that feels right to you and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Divorce (and everything else you've faced during this long, shitty year) feels horrible but so does mending a wound and sometimes it's the only healthy response. Love yourself as much as you can, and congrats on the upcoming milestone. Better things are waiting for you up ahead.
posted by Bella Donna at 5:29 PM on December 11, 2015

Best answer: I will pass the milestone of 20 years since my divorce in February. I didn't have a particular ceremony in the early years, though I did note it when it happened. Now I'm likely to only remember it after it happens. Ceremonial things I have done but not on the anniversary: used the gems in my wedding ring to make other jewelry, burned the original marriage license (as part of a group burning ceremony on NYE). It does get easier over time. If you need a ritual, I think the volunteering idea is a good one: I celebrated my first Christmas alone by serving at a community dinner for the homeless. It does make you feel better to concentrate on others.

And I, though married again and not looking, would think nothing of a man wearing a ring, other than maybe "ooh nice ring".
posted by immlass at 7:14 PM on December 11, 2015

Best answer: Get a ring! After my breakup I got a kintsukuroi ring from Etsy. Kintsugi/kintsukori is the Japanese art of repairing pottery with gold lacquer, the idea being that the breakage is part of the object's history and makes it more beautiful. It's just a little reminder to myself that the cracks are how the light gets in. I hope you find the perfect ring to remind yourself of all the best parts of yourself!
posted by bighappyhairydog at 7:52 PM on December 11, 2015

Best answer: What types of rings are acceptable for a straight man to wear?

Whatever the fuck he wants to wear. If you like it, wear it. Haters gonna hate, shake it off.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:37 PM on December 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm never going to wear my wedding ring again, but a big in joke amongst the groomsmen and bridesmaids came out of two of them telling us about finding a book in a used bookstore, inexplicably inscribed with the words "Times chang. People chang". It came up a lot over the wedding period, and thinking about those people and those times is still a source of joy for me. The marriage is gone, but the friends I made over those few weeks are still around. I've been thinking about having that inscribed on the ring. Because - y'know. Times chang. People chang. Maybe something that speaks to you in the same way would do the trick, but you're welcome to mine.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 9:55 PM on December 11, 2015 [5 favorites]