Friend date!
December 9, 2015 9:35 PM Subscribe
What's the best way to say to someone, "hey, I think you're cool, I'd love to be friends outside of class" without romantic overtones?
Context: we're in the same creative writing class, we clearly really like each other's writing, and we have a lot in common. I would love to be friends with him. The problem is that I think he's a straight guy who possibly has a crush on me, and I'm not dating guys right now. I really want to avoid accidental romantic overtones because, from experience, that gets messy. (I look pretty queer, but who knows if he can tell.)
Over email, can I just say something like "btw we should hang out sometime" without it sounding like "let's go on a date"?
Context: we're in the same creative writing class, we clearly really like each other's writing, and we have a lot in common. I would love to be friends with him. The problem is that I think he's a straight guy who possibly has a crush on me, and I'm not dating guys right now. I really want to avoid accidental romantic overtones because, from experience, that gets messy. (I look pretty queer, but who knows if he can tell.)
Over email, can I just say something like "btw we should hang out sometime" without it sounding like "let's go on a date"?
Best answer: "I'm not into guys, so I really don't wanna give you the wrong idea, but your writing clicks with me so often that I think we'd get along great, so wanna have lunch or coffee or something?"
Like, he's a guy. Which means you have to explicitly say this is not a date or a come-on and make sure he hears that part. You probably have to say it a few times over a few weeks before he really gets it. You can't dance around it or be subtle. Guys are really dumb with this stuff.
(Source: am a guy.)
posted by rokusan at 9:45 PM on December 9, 2015 [41 favorites]
Like, he's a guy. Which means you have to explicitly say this is not a date or a come-on and make sure he hears that part. You probably have to say it a few times over a few weeks before he really gets it. You can't dance around it or be subtle. Guys are really dumb with this stuff.
(Source: am a guy.)
posted by rokusan at 9:45 PM on December 9, 2015 [41 favorites]
Yeah, pull in other friends for this. Either invite him along on a friend thing you usually do anyway, or ask a friend to come do stuff with you that you think this guy would say yes to and be suuuper clear to him that other people you know will be there too.
You have to explicitly say at some point that you're not flirting and you're not interested in dating him, though. Make sure your other friend(s) know this is what's up, too.
Like, in my past this occurred multiple times where I'd pull a guy into my friend group, he would be confused by our various sexualities and kind of into me, and when I biffed off to the bathroom he'd go "So, is Mizu dating anyone?" and then my other friends would be able to say "she's not into you like that". And then when I brought it up (unknowingly) a second time when just the two of us were hanging out, the guy would be like "i KNOW already! yeesh!" But when that didn't happen and the guy wasn't savvy enough to ask my friends and I gave him the clarification, he'd sometime pursue it anyway and that's how I got the scourge of the Nice Guys. So prepare yourself for that, and be happy when it doesn't happen.
It isn't just guys who are oblivious about this - I am pretty obtuse about it too - but if you're worried about hurting his special manly feelings just cut that out asap. I mean, what kind of friend will he even make if you being clear about what you want out of a relationship with him beyond classmates makes him upset?
posted by Mizu at 9:57 PM on December 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
You have to explicitly say at some point that you're not flirting and you're not interested in dating him, though. Make sure your other friend(s) know this is what's up, too.
Like, in my past this occurred multiple times where I'd pull a guy into my friend group, he would be confused by our various sexualities and kind of into me, and when I biffed off to the bathroom he'd go "So, is Mizu dating anyone?" and then my other friends would be able to say "she's not into you like that". And then when I brought it up (unknowingly) a second time when just the two of us were hanging out, the guy would be like "i KNOW already! yeesh!" But when that didn't happen and the guy wasn't savvy enough to ask my friends and I gave him the clarification, he'd sometime pursue it anyway and that's how I got the scourge of the Nice Guys. So prepare yourself for that, and be happy when it doesn't happen.
It isn't just guys who are oblivious about this - I am pretty obtuse about it too - but if you're worried about hurting his special manly feelings just cut that out asap. I mean, what kind of friend will he even make if you being clear about what you want out of a relationship with him beyond classmates makes him upset?
posted by Mizu at 9:57 PM on December 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you think he's into you, you should not befriend him. It'll give him the wrong ideas.
posted by Kwadeng at 11:39 PM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Kwadeng at 11:39 PM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Only invite him to things where other people will be present until you have a girlfriend you can introduce him to.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:53 PM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacqueline at 11:53 PM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
I vote be clear. Say something like "hey I really like you and I think we should be pals. Do you want to hang out sometime?" Use a word like pals or buddies. Then when you go out, say something about how you're single and hoping to meet the right woman, or whatever.
Don't just invite him out in a group. Lots of shy people do that to test the waters and it's way too likely he would misinterpret it. Better to be clear up front, with a focus on what you do want, rather than what you don't.
Good luck!
posted by Susan PG at 2:28 AM on December 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
Don't just invite him out in a group. Lots of shy people do that to test the waters and it's way too likely he would misinterpret it. Better to be clear up front, with a focus on what you do want, rather than what you don't.
Good luck!
posted by Susan PG at 2:28 AM on December 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: "hey, I think you're cool, I'd love to be friends outside of class. Can we do a friend-date thing? I realize it's awkward to even mention this, but I figure it's cleaner to come right out and say I don't even date guys. But I would like to get to know you"
If he like-likes you and you friend-like him, you're going to have to set the terms hard, but in a friendly way (cause you want to be friends). Playing an identity card might seem shitty, but it also is a very clean way of stating "friends only, like seriously dude".
Alternatively, if you don't play an identity card and just let it naturally develop, he's going to have feelings for you (because he already does) and you're going to end up in a relatively confrontational situation. I don't think this is a male thing - it's more of a human thing - but the patriarchy being a patriarchy, it's a problem more pronounced with guys.
I'm inherently anti-identity-card, but realistically, if you actually want to be friends with a crusher, it might be simpler to just out yourself.
posted by special agent conrad uno at 2:30 AM on December 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
If he like-likes you and you friend-like him, you're going to have to set the terms hard, but in a friendly way (cause you want to be friends). Playing an identity card might seem shitty, but it also is a very clean way of stating "friends only, like seriously dude".
Alternatively, if you don't play an identity card and just let it naturally develop, he's going to have feelings for you (because he already does) and you're going to end up in a relatively confrontational situation. I don't think this is a male thing - it's more of a human thing - but the patriarchy being a patriarchy, it's a problem more pronounced with guys.
I'm inherently anti-identity-card, but realistically, if you actually want to be friends with a crusher, it might be simpler to just out yourself.
posted by special agent conrad uno at 2:30 AM on December 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
Not possible.
You suspect he has a crush on you. This will just lead him on even more if you're correct. Find another friend.
posted by Tanzanite at 5:08 AM on December 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
You suspect he has a crush on you. This will just lead him on even more if you're correct. Find another friend.
posted by Tanzanite at 5:08 AM on December 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
asking someone to hang out for the first time with a group of people makes it pretty clear that it's not a date or a romantic thing.
posted by forkisbetter at 5:20 AM on December 10, 2015
posted by forkisbetter at 5:20 AM on December 10, 2015
I have pulled this off by saying something along the lines of "We have [x thing in common - in your case something to do with writing] and I really need some friends to [talk about writing with]! Are you up for grabbing coffee sometime?"
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:58 AM on December 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:58 AM on December 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Absolutely you should hang out with him. People get over crushes all the time, and the sooner you're clear with him what you want and what you absolutely don't want the sooner he'll start getting over it.
I disagree with posters saying that you should just avoid him - if you're as well-suited as friends as you describe it, and if you say nothing to explicitly tell him that you two will never ever date, then either he will ask you out by the end of the semester (and you'll have that mess to deal with) or he'll spend the next long while wishing he had, such that if you ever see him again at another writer's group or whatever context, the well will be poisoned and you'll never click as well again.
Even if he takes it badly, you've got nothing to lose by using rokusan's script, because your best-case scenario otherwise is either permanent awkwardness or avoiding each other.
posted by aimedwander at 8:00 AM on December 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I disagree with posters saying that you should just avoid him - if you're as well-suited as friends as you describe it, and if you say nothing to explicitly tell him that you two will never ever date, then either he will ask you out by the end of the semester (and you'll have that mess to deal with) or he'll spend the next long while wishing he had, such that if you ever see him again at another writer's group or whatever context, the well will be poisoned and you'll never click as well again.
Even if he takes it badly, you've got nothing to lose by using rokusan's script, because your best-case scenario otherwise is either permanent awkwardness or avoiding each other.
posted by aimedwander at 8:00 AM on December 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Include the word "platonic" in your invite.
posted by brujita at 8:07 AM on December 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by brujita at 8:07 AM on December 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
You have the perfect excuse for not being into him (that way), use it! Seriously, this is about the best ego-saving reason you can give to a straight dude for not being into him. (For the less emotionally-developed dudes, it is the ONLY satisfactory reason you could give.)
Just tell him you're not into guys, but that you think it'd be cool to hang out. Perfect setup to some hilarious FRIEND ZONE jokes later on
posted by danny the boy at 3:14 PM on December 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just tell him you're not into guys, but that you think it'd be cool to hang out. Perfect setup to some hilarious FRIEND ZONE jokes later on
posted by danny the boy at 3:14 PM on December 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
"I don't even know how to have this conversation without it seeming like I'm asking you out on a date, but without asking you out on a date, do you want to grab coffee sometime?"
It's kind of silly and self-deprecating but it very clearly gets the message across that you're not asking him out on a date without hinting around it or hoping he picks up clues.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:20 PM on December 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's kind of silly and self-deprecating but it very clearly gets the message across that you're not asking him out on a date without hinting around it or hoping he picks up clues.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:20 PM on December 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by teremala at 9:42 PM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]