No fool like an old fool
December 7, 2015 7:01 AM   Subscribe

How do you walk away from someone you love?

but is bad for you and probably doesn't love you.
How do you do this? I've written here before about my on and off relationship and guess's off again. Please feel free to read my past postings and then tell me what a pillock I am. But it essentially it all comes down to the above question. This is the bit I find so hard to do. This has gone on for about 6 years and I truly do want to get off the rabbit wheel now. This time it's just ended in silent treatment which has gone on for 3 weeks. I sent her a light hearted text a couple of weeks ago and got no response. We hadn't had a row but had disagreed on a couple of things, though not sure if that's what's behind it on this occasion?
I just don't really think she's that in to me and I'm just someone comvienient to meet up with.
I don't want to diss her as it takes two to tango and I keep going back for more.
I'm not going to contact her again but I'm weak when she contacts me because I do love her.
She may contact me again.
How can I walk away from this painful love affair once and for all with a bit of dignity?
posted by blokefromipanema to Human Relations (54 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
Block her phone. Block her texts. Block her on FB. Make it as easy on yourself as possible to move on by making it hard for her to contact you. Then take some of that love and forgiveness you've been sending her way and give it to yourself in every way you can think of.
posted by ldthomps at 7:07 AM on December 7, 2015 [21 favorites]

What advice are you hoping for that is NOT the same advice you have gotten in previous questions? Because unless you can make it clear what you have tried and what has and has not worked, you're not going to get much out of this question. Everyone will just say: go no contact, block her texts, start a hobby, date someone new. Which is . . . exactly what we told you before.
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:22 AM on December 7, 2015 [20 favorites]

You are being an absolute pillock. Hey, you said it yourself. You asked this same exact question almost two years ago now. You wouldn't let your worst enemy afflict you with this much anguish and heartache, so why do you let this person who purports to like you do it? You are an adult in full command of your faculties, so block her wherever possible, and be strong wherever not possible. It's literally the only way.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:26 AM on December 7, 2015 [7 favorites]

Change your email address. Close out the old one altogether. Change your cell phone number. On the new phone, block her number. Block her on all social media. If you still live with your son, make him bring in the mail and screen anything she might send you (and don't even tell you). Don't allow her to contact you again ever in any way. There is no other way.

You're an addict, and your drug is your ex. You need to stay away from your drug.
posted by clone boulevard at 7:26 AM on December 7, 2015 [13 favorites]

Yes, you can't get over her if she won't go away. She knows she hurts you, but she selfishly keeps doing it. You are right, she doesn't love you, or care about you, or treat you with respect.

Change your cell phone number, get off social media, explode your Facebook, you have to do drastic things because this is a drastic situation.

Also, get therapy, because you intellectually know this person is terrible for you, yet you have wasted years of your life pining for her, or being in a dysfunctional relationship with her. You have been here for years complaining about this relationship, you have been repeatedly told how terrible it is for you, and you don't follow the very good advice you get here about how to end it, get over her and move on. Why is that?

I also recommend a break up ritual. You have to change your surroundings to change your outlook. Everywhere you look reminds you of your relationship.

1. For something this serious, move. Find a new place to live, out of your current neighborhood. Can you go to a new city?

2. Change your bedding, donate everything and get new. Ikea has fine quality items that are affordable. Make it fresh, for your fresh start.

3. Rearrange your furniture.

4. Take a trip to cleanse your mind. I like road trips, but if hiking in the wilderness, or a tour of Europe appeals more, do that.

5. Change your fragrance, your wardrobe and watch. Get new stuff, donate the old. You have a new life now, nothing that reminds you of before should remain.

6. Concentrate on something else. Take a course, get a certificate or a degree, build something, become a weightlifter, whatever, just take up something that results in an achievement that's visible.

7. Clean house. Deeply, seriously and with a purpose. Wipe the baseboards, empty the cabinets and lay down new shelf paper. Discard old foodstuff. Get rid of things in your life that do not serve you anymore.

Stop wallowing, stop pining and start doing things. It's going to be hard, you may go minute-by-minute actively trying not to think of her, but soon, as you start really living your life, you'll find you can go hours, then days without thinking of her at all. One day, you'll think of her and have no emotions about it, good or bad. Then you'll be ready to find a good love, someone who will give you the love you deserve.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:26 AM on December 7, 2015 [29 favorites]

It's not love, but merely attachment.

Love is not an emotion, however intense it feels; not merely unbearable desire; not longing; not wishing for the good moments while trying to ignore the bad ones. It is a statement backed by our rational mind, a promise, and a set of continuous action.

She doesn't love you. You do not love her, either.

The emotional ups-and-down of this pseudo-relationship, her now-here-now-gone moments of sweetness, is feeding some need in you that you have not yet addressed, or not yet fulfilled. Don't be afraid to look at the pain within you, to look into your past--where is it coming from? when she gets in contact with you, what does that feeling remind you of? when she ignore you, what does that pain remind you of?

Stop being distracted by a pain that seemingly come from outside. In a way, it's true when they say, no one can hurt us unless we allow them to.

You have asked how to end this so many times now. There is no magical trick. You make a decision in your head, and take action to support that decision, and then, keep on doing it, day after day after day, until one day you look up and a long time have gone by and you are living a whole other life.

Good luck.
posted by enlivener at 7:28 AM on December 7, 2015 [11 favorites]

I wish you wouldn't kick yourself over this. You're not a fool; you're human. Dignity is not really the issue here; ending a relationship takes what it takes. It's not a reflection on your character or worthiness or anything. You just need to go no contact and for that you need to make it impossible to be in contact, as ldthomps suggests. For some reason, it seems as if these stop and start relationships exert an inordinate amount of power-- sort of like if you have an addiction, and abstain for a while and then pick up again.

Down the road a piece, this will seem different and you'll be glad it's over. For now, you have to go through the painful process of "decathexis," or taking back your feelings. That is painful but there is an end.
posted by BibiRose at 7:30 AM on December 7, 2015 [5 favorites]

Eh, I find that this sort of thing typically ends when it ends, unfortunately. Sort of like sweating out a fever. I let a fellow string me along and treat me like crap for longer. However, it did take blocking him/removing him from social media/all other forms of contact and expanding my social circle to REALLY get it to end but by that time his hold on me had dissolved. But really, what it took was finding other meaningful relationships, falling in and out of love with multiple others, finding fulfilling work/hobbies that boosted my self esteem, etc. to really get it to stop. Because really what you're doing is filling some void in you with this toxic relationship, and it's not healthy or productive. Fill the void with something meaningful to you, otherwise all of your relationships will probably be some variation of this one in the future.
posted by Young Kullervo at 7:32 AM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

This is one of those things where you just have to fake it till you make it. Block her everywhere. If you feel the urge to contact her or if she somehow manages to contact you, do something else (go for a walk, call a friend, clean your apartment, etc.). This will be hard for a while, but you'll think of her less and less and eventually when you do think of her, you won't have the urge to contact her. Hopefully by that time you'll be seeing someone else. But even if you aren't, it does get easier. You just have to commit to this hard period now where you are essentially training yourself not to think about her.

Don't be too hard on yourself.
posted by lunasol at 7:35 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Love is a two-way interaction, with possibly the exception of your children but that's different. You can't love someone who doesn't love you. You have an incredibly unhealthy attachment to someone, stop calling it love and stop talking about it taking two to tango because there is no tango.

Stop trying to frame this as a noble good thing in which you are but a passer-by. You have an unhealthy fixation on a woman who does not want to be with you. You have more in common with a suspect in an investigation than a character in a tragic romance.

Full cut-off. Find other stuff to occupy your time. Try to make some of that stuff other-focused like volunteer work or fundraising for a cause or helping an elderly neighbor or just something that lets you put good effort toward other people who need and want it. Do stuff that engages your brain - acquire a new skill, which tickles parts of your brain that respond strongly to rewards.

Make an effort to make this easier on yourself. Stop treating this as something you are helpless in and be a person who is making efforts to improve his life and making actively good decisions for his wellbeing.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:47 AM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

You're not in love, you're addicted to the pain and the ups and downs of the roller coaster relationship. I know, I've been there. Like the previous posters have said, block her and cut her from her life. It's incredibly painful to walk away, but it will get better over time once you know you have to end it for good. It's like a drug- she will probably come back again, but be strong.

Some books that have helped me are:


He's Scared, She's Scared

You have to put your needs and your health first! You can do this! Good luck.
posted by Lillypad331 at 7:55 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

It also helps to find other things that take up your time. You don't need a new relationship, necessarily, but doing things that will occupy you enough so that when your friend texts you, you're not immediately tempted to text back, would be very helpful.

It's easier to manipulate people who don't have a lot of things going on, because any sort of distraction is attractive. If you're so busy and so engaged that it would be an unwanted distraction to take up again with her, you've won.
posted by xingcat at 7:58 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Tell all your friends all the gory details. Tell all HER friends all the gory details. Tell newspapers, magazines, talkshows all the gory details. Air that dirty laundry! Once you've come out in the open and everyone knows what has been going on and that you have decided once and for all that it is over, it is very hard to go back on that. Plus if you have bad mouthed her enough, she'll be super pissed off with you and not want to contact you anyway. Burn those bridges! I would block her on Facebook (thus rendering her unable to contact you there, and more importantly rendering you unable to sneak a look at her profile) but I wouldn't block her emails/texts because you will be constantly wondering "what if she's sent me a message? I wonder what it says?" but under no circumstances respond to anything she says. No contact!
posted by intensitymultiply at 8:11 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

You age seems to be an issue with you which-- well, we could all die tomorrow. But in light of where you are in life, do you have goals, relationship-wise? Is it your goal to be settled down with someone? If so, you need to stop letting this person waste your time.
posted by BibiRose at 8:24 AM on December 7, 2015

Nthing the recommendation of therapy.

Life is short: you now have six fewer years than you did before to put all that energy toward something worthwhile. Even if you did nothing else, time spent with a good therapist would be that worthwhile pursuit.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 8:26 AM on December 7, 2015

I think you need individual and couple's therapy. Your relationship isn't over -- it's a bit on and off, but it's gone on for six years yet you are super, super insecure about it and about whether she loves you. If you stopped being insecure and trusted more/better, that would be helpful. You say she dumped you 3x, that was more than two years ago based on your past questions. You also once broke up with her, based on your past questions. She seems to fall into a habit of giving you the silent treatment for a few weeks. Meanwhile, you go off the rails with insecurity. Some therapy would help you both get along better. After 6 years, it does seem like you care for each other and are committed.
posted by omg_parrots at 8:30 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

There are other fish in the sea.

I find that when I am trying to put negativity of any sort into the past, focusing on positivity does the trick. It's time for you to find the person who will bring joy into your life instead of this soap opera, and that exists, but you have to turn away from the soap opera and go find your future.

Happy hunting!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:55 AM on December 7, 2015

It's hard. It's hard for everyone. You are not weak or dumb or any other negative thing because you're finding this difficult and painful. Stop beating yourself up; everything you're feeling and thinking is well within the realm of normal.

The flip side of that, however, is there's no shortcut out of it. There's nothing we can tell you that you don't already know, no technique that you can learn to make it easier. You know the answer is to go no contact, for good. You know it will take time, and it will feel worse before it feels better. We can point you in the right direction, but the road sign is already there, and you still have to take the steps yourself.

Sometimes, in the middle of situations like this, people consider themselves bad/weak/foolish/damaged/etc. and therefore incapable of doing the hard work of getting out. Don't do this; you're just making yourself feel bad, and by telling yourself you can't do it, you're preventing yourself from even trying.

It's been two years. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to fix. Each time you talk to her or see her, you're resetting the timer on the getting-over-her clock. Because it's been so long with no improvement, therapy is a good idea for you.

It's hard. It will be hard. It can't not be hard. But it's one hundred percent possible to move on, as long as you keep going. And the further you go, the easier it gets.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:20 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

You may want to read about intermittent reinforcement and its role in relationships. Every contact from her is another pellet that's reinforcing your desire to hear from her. If I were you, I would (as others have suggested) block her phone, text, email, social media, etc.
posted by jaguar at 9:59 AM on December 7, 2015 [5 favorites]

Go no contact, block her texts, start a hobby, date someone new.
posted by flabdablet at 10:01 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

This is the bit I find so hard to do.

Yes, it's hard to do.

Do it anyway.
posted by flabdablet at 10:02 AM on December 7, 2015 [5 favorites]

The sort of "love" you describe here (and in previous questions) sounds like it has become an unhealthy, rather demeaning addiction, which has made you miserable for a long time. And, as others have pointed out, there's no magic bullet for beating an addiction. However, having seen friends beat addictions of various kinds, I'd say the most powerful indicator of success is if they truly want to beat it. No lying to themselves, they have real, tangible reasons to really want to quit. In one case, her husband threatening to leave with their young child. In another, his failing health.

So you need some real reasons to quit this miserable affair. You say "I truly do want to get off the rabbit wheel now". Why? Get a big piece of paper and a felt-tip pen, and list out the reasons you want to stop, and try to make them positive actions rather than "no more..." type things. Maybe, "I want more emotional energy to spend on the people I love", or "I want to become happier, day-to-day, in order to support my physical and mental health".

Now stick that paper up, inside your wardrobe door if you don't want it on display, and read it whenever you need a reminder of why you're going through the long, hard process of change. It will get easier, and probably sooner than you expect if you really commit to it.
posted by greenish at 10:09 AM on December 7, 2015

Also just know everyone has relationships like this, unless they are extremely lucky, so don't dwell on it.
posted by Young Kullervo at 10:16 AM on December 7, 2015

The thing with hard core breakups is that you have to treat it like death. With death there's no picking up the phone, sending a text, e-mail, nothing. There's always the temptation when you think of something you had in common, see something that reminds you of them, need physical contact, need someone to talk to. You can't do that when someones dead, so you have to treat it like that. Every time you have that feeling, stop. They're dead(to you). You need to spend some time figuring out who you are, by yourself. Put your big boy/girl pants and go for it. It not easy but you can do it.
posted by PJMoore at 10:47 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

There's a group called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. It's the same kind of 12 step approach as Alcoholics Anonymous. Their literature might be useful to you, and a group meeting might give you some insights. You would have people who understand what you are going through and won't judge. If this is a repeated pattern in your life, it's destroying your happiness, and you can't pull out of it on your own, it's really no different than a chemical addiction. Any book about addiction recovery may help you, honestly.
posted by desjardins at 11:09 AM on December 7, 2015

Wanted to add: "just block her" is not terribly useful, just like "just don't be sad" is not useful advice to a depressed person or "calm down" to a panicky person. You really need to get to the bottom of why you're doing this. But you will have to go cold turkey to do it. Shore up your support network now.
posted by desjardins at 11:12 AM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

Go date someone else, meaning get in bed with a willing and atractive partner ASAP. Do this immediately after telling her that this time it is over for good. (And do STICK with that. No get togethers to exchange items or "friend" dinners or anything like that. Stay away in all respects for a good long period, like months.)

Frankly, the best way out of a relationship is to engage your brain and body with someone else, or perhaps a few someone elses if you are up for a season of dating. Obviously be honest about the fact that you aren't going to have a free heart or be ready for another commitment for some time.
posted by bearwife at 11:43 AM on December 7, 2015

I wrote a list of all the shit things he'd done to me, and read it whenever I wanted to contact him or whenever he contacted me (which I explicitly told him not to do, but that's how people who break boundaries behave). It helped tremendously.
posted by sockermom at 12:09 PM on December 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

Come on. You've asked this question SO MANY TIMES. You've gotten the same advice over and over. The last time you asked, you jumped back into the question to write that against the advice you got in that VERY thread, you sent her flowers for her birthday anyway.

How can I walk away from this painful love affair once and for all with a bit of dignity?

Just walk away. She's dead to you. You don't need closure talks. You don't need to tell her every mistake she made. You don't need to text her to tell her you're breaking up. Block her completely. Stop thinking of this as a love affair; from your previous questions it's been a terrible relationship for years. Somehow, though, your asking about how to do this with dignity makes me think this isn't over for you, not by a long shot.
posted by kinetic at 1:16 PM on December 7, 2015

This isn't love.
posted by NatalieWood at 1:19 PM on December 7, 2015

Somehow, though, your asking about how to do this with dignity makes me think this isn't over for you, not by a long shot.

That's a good point. It's ok to walk away from this without dignity. Trying to have the last word, or to create a situation in which she thinks you're doing the right thing, is often just another way of staying engaged. You rebuild your dignity by staying away.
posted by jaguar at 1:22 PM on December 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you all for the responses to my question. I'm not quite as unhinged and deluded as I probably come across. I am attached to this person and I do find it hard to let go of those feelings and to understand why she behaves in this way. However I will not be contacting her as I know it's pointless. On previous occasions I would have felt the need for closure but I don't now. I'm used to this now and I have perfected the art of going no contact.....until she initiated with me. Then a part of me feels that she must love me as she has come back.


I may not be unhinged but I'm definately deluded.
posted by blokefromipanema at 2:14 PM on December 7, 2015

It's completely possible that she does love you. That doesn't make this a healthy relationship for you.
posted by jaguar at 2:18 PM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

Closure is a thing you give yourself. It is absolutely attainable, and does not require her participation.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:19 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Why not take up this project: do a study or investigation of this kind of avoidant/unhealthy relationship. There must be at least 20 mainstream films that focus on this (maybe even an IMDB list), as well as works of fiction, psychological non-fiction, philosophy, neurological. Be the master of this dynamic. Gain some control.

Maybe after this relationship ends, it will never repeat itself. Or maybe there is some part of you which is drawn to this kind of dynamic. If that is so, this project will serve you well.

I feel for you. Everyone feels like this, only they are better able to control/mute the urges.
posted by kinoeye at 2:20 PM on December 7, 2015

I have perfected the art of going no contact

Nah, you know this isn't true. You have historically responded to her whenever she's contacted you.

No contact means NO CONTACT.

You need to change your number, block her number, send her emails directly to trash and block her on any possible social media.

You can do this.
posted by kinetic at 2:23 PM on December 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

BE KIND TO YOURSELF. what that means here, is not allowing this person to poke her head into your life again. It means saying NO, once and for all, to this behavior and protecting yourself from someone who isn't good to/for you.

When I have found myself stuck in a loop of unhealthy behavior, I have found a lot of solace and strength in learning about and practicing meditation, exploring spirituality, and reading self-help books. If you already have a religious tradition you're connected to, you might revisit it now. For me this path has been valuable in building a sense of self-esteem and confidence that things are going to be alright, which I sense you sorely need. It can help you demand better for yourself in your life, and help free you from being so much controlled by emotion. And I don't mean not feeling them, but just being able to keep them in a proper place so you are able to make decisions that serve you well. Because this terrible six-year tango- that's not the kind of "love" you need. That way lies further pain, and I'm pretty sure you know this. Love yourself. You deserve it.
posted by hummingbird at 4:58 PM on December 7, 2015

Response by poster: I don't want to demonise her. It takes two to tango and I'm sure I can be hard work at times. I am insecure in the relationship because of previous history, but I think I cover that well and am in no way clingy or needy. I'm not even sure she knows why she does it or the hurt it can cause. Her mother is the same apparently. Gives friends prolonged silent treatments over perceived slights. She acknowledges she can be the same as her mum ( who is estranged from her) but still does it herself. She has isolated herself from friends and family because she has cut them off. I'm sure some has been justified but probably not all and I think she ultimately hurts herself even if she does project a tough exterior. She has an adult son with learning difficulties and it can be hard for her as she's his only carer. It has probably also shaped how she views the world and people in it.
I love her for her tough stoicism but it's made her hard on people, understandably so I suppose.
I dont think she is trying to be emotionally manipulative with me. It's just how she is. It's probably why I take her back because I think it's just her way.
I shall endeavour to move on.
posted by blokefromipanema at 2:27 AM on December 8, 2015

blokefromipanema, I'm coming back here to point out that you've just posted a whole response in this question, which is about you and what you need, that is about her.

Dude, stop making your responses about her. Stop making your relationship with her all about her, and her pros and cons (as perceived by you), and stop making whether you get back together with her again, her choice.

Stop making the way you think, how you live, what you see in your future, all about her. It's you doing that, not her.
posted by greenish at 2:51 AM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

You need to treat it like an addiction because that's what it is.

You need to "count days." Try to go 90 days without contact. No texts, phone calls, emails. If she contacts you, delete it. If you need to give her a headsup to this, do it (although I don't recommend that).

If she does text/email/call, contact a trusted friend first. That's what you're going to do: contact your BFF first. No matter what. Just to say, "Hey, I got a text from Sally."

You're never going to get too hungry, too lonely, too angry, or too tired. These deplete your cognitive resources so that you can't think straight.

You're going to go online to a dating website and you're going to contact one person a day and keep doing that until you get a date.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 2:59 AM on December 8, 2015

Going no-contact has nothing at all to do with demonising the other person; nn fact it's the complete opposite. Going no-contact is about giving yourself as much time as you need to get you back, then enough time that you can see the other person as somebody you used to be close to.

The single most common reason for relationship breakdown is incompatibility. Incompatibility doesn't imply that there's anything wrong with either person. All it means is that they don't function well as a couple.

Give yourself time to re-learn the skills involved in functioning well solo. Then go out there and find somebody else who's a better fit with you. Your ex will be doing the same thing. Then there will be four happy people instead of two miserable ones.
posted by flabdablet at 3:05 AM on December 8, 2015

Response by poster: I only wrote about her in last response to give some context. It is easy to post here and just give one side of the story, so I'm trying to be fair to her.
I just continue to be confused by her behaviour as it often seems unecessary.
Anyway, the bottom line is that it is no good for me and that is also the resounding opinion of everyone who has responded and I've disclosed the necessary facts of the relationship and haven't left out anything I may have done to cause her to behave like this.
I'm loyal, trustworthy and loving.
I will do my best to end it all from here on in.
posted by blokefromipanema at 4:52 AM on December 8, 2015

I will do my best to end it all from here on in.

Yeah, so you've said. So, why the question? Even this question, THE VERY SAME QUESTION YOU HAVE ASKED AT LEAST TWICE BEFORE, is just a way to keep talking about her and keep her and your "relationship" alive in your mind.


Take our advice, please. You can do it. We are all rooting for you. Don't come back and post again in this thread; AskMe isn't really for that anyway.

Move. On. *hugs* from us internet people, but move on.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:46 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

I just continue to be confused by her behaviour as it often seems unnecessary we continue to be confused by yours, good sir; as we continue to be confused by yours.

I'm loyal, trustworthy and loving.

May you end up in a wonderful relationship with somebody likewise.
posted by flabdablet at 7:42 AM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

I'm going to go off on a wild-seeming limb.

Every time you write a question, I think you're trying to get us to help you justify this terrible relationship.

You've spun this narrative in your head where you're the old fool for love, the pillock, the loyal-to-the-end guy who is caught in a classic push-me-pull-you relationship where she may have her faults, but you're besotted by her, by her struggles, by her spunk and stoicism, and she's the only one for you. Why are you posting here what's wonderful about her? It has nothing to do with your question. Stop trying to sell this to us.

I think every time you write a question you're writing it only to perpetuate the narrative in your head: the world doesn't understand the special thing you two have and you're going to stick with her no matter what because she's not a terrible person.

I mean, come on, friend. All these questions and even in this one where you literally ask "how can I walk away?" you jump right back in the thread and say you shall endeavor to move on and you will do your best to move on. Those aren't the words of a person who is going no contact and moving on.

What you really need to do is get competent therapy and find out WHY YOU CAN'T END THIS. Find out why this magical and completely unhealthy story you've created (which you've referred to as deluded) is so important to you that you post here, wanting us to believe the story as well.

You don't want to end it. You want us to buy it. And very few people responding to any of your questions are buying it.

Please, get some help.
posted by kinetic at 1:09 PM on December 8, 2015 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Please forgive the bolshiness of that last post.
It was written under the influence of a couple of pints.
Perhaps the moderator can remove it?
I really do appreciate the advice, and I don't mean to be dismissive of therapy. It's very helpful to many people.
I just don't feel I need it.
Also sorry to my American cousins if I was rude.
This has been very cathartic for me and has given me some clarity.
posted by blokefromipanema at 2:46 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

You've been in the same rut with the same woman for six years?! Let me tell you what I've done in the last six years. Got married, move states, bought a house, started and stopped a hugely demanding job and had two children. Now, regardless of whether the traditional route (marriage etc) is anything you have an interest in, point that I'm making is in those years, you could have been making a life with someone who loves you in the same way you love them and have a healthy, wonderful relationship.

Instead all you've had is a pile of angst and heartbreak and you haven't moved forward at all. Your life isn't magically going to resolve itself; you need to actively create the life you want and have some sort of agency otherwise all you'll have is all you've got, which you clearly aren't happy with. When you get miserable enough, you'll change things. How many more years would you like to throw down the toilet instead of being happy?
posted by Jubey at 7:06 PM on December 8, 2015

We will forgive your rudeness if you never ask about this relationship again (because it's over).
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:27 PM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

Mod note: A few comments removed.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:16 AM on December 9, 2015

I really do appreciate the advice, and I don't mean to be dismissive of therapy. It's very helpful to many people.
I just don't feel I need it.

Hello, I'm from the UK, I now live in North America. I know the prevailing attitude in the UK, especially among men, is that therapy is something unnecessary done by Americans out of self-obsession and vanity, like orthodontics, but I'd really recommend it for just about anyone, honestly, almost no matter how well adjusted they may feel they are.

Someone who isn't talking to your for 3 weeks after you've been involved with them for 6 years is a shitty partner. Walk away.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 1:06 AM on December 12, 2015 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Update :
I'm afraid I cracked over the Christmas period and sent her an email to wish her seasonal greetings. I was obsessing about a situation where something may have happened to her or her disabled son. She's not on social media so I can't see if she's ok. I was feeling guilt that if something had happened I had done very little to find out or be supportive. I know that's probably my brain messing with me as she has form for this type of thing with people in her life, but I just couldn't convince myself and kept thinking what if. Anyway, I didn't get a response so I still don't know if she's ok but I have tried and its assuaged the guilty feelings I was developing.
I'm terribly naive about people at times, especially for a bloke my age , but I always feel like I can fully walk away from something when I know I've done the right thing and tried.
Happy new year to you all.
posted by blokefromipanema at 3:48 AM on January 4, 2016

Your call, of course.

But I, for one, won't be responding to any further requests for advice on this issue.
posted by flabdablet at 5:33 PM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

You've asked six questions in a little over a year about the same person and your inability to let go yet you end your most recent update with "I always feel like I can fully walk away from something when I know I've done the right thing and tried." That's a blatant lie if ever I saw one. It's the one thing you CAN'T do.

Look, it's one thing to lie to yourself, but you're just abusing the goodwill of AskMe and lying to us when you say things like that yet keep posting the same ridiculous question over and over again. You're clearly never going to take our advice, so can you please, please, stop wasting our time? And if I sound annoyed, it's because I am. God knows how your ex feels, you keep constantly texting her. When she doesn't reply IT'S BECAUSE SHE DOESNT WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU. Take a hint. Please leave her alone. And us.
posted by Jubey at 7:45 PM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Bit harsh but message received loud and clear and I do understand your frustration.
For The record I don't constantly text her. I texted her once when a week after I last saw her and then emailed her at the weekend, 6 weeks after I last saw her.
I'm obviously troubled by the nature of this 'relationship' and although I'm torturing myself about it inside on the outside this wouldn't be apparent. I have never bombarded her with texts or emails or shown my inner insecurity to her as I am old enough to know what a passion killer that would be.
That's why I come here, because I can do it anonymously and safely.
I do listen to the collective advice and it does help me to get through but got whatever reason I've not been able to detach my feelings from this woman who I inexplicably am in love with.
I'll press on from here and certainly won't attempt any more contact. I just thought in the circumstances one email, in addition to the earlier text was a mature way to just actually see if she was ok and to gain some closure if she had of replied.
Thanks again for all advice, even the harsh advice and I assure you I won't post about it ever again.
I hope to be back when this I'm over this to actually advise anyone going through a similar thing.
posted by blokefromipanema at 4:54 AM on January 5, 2016

« Older Day trip from (and tips for) Phoenix during NCAA...   |   Cleaning Mold Off a Dough Ornament- can it be done... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.