When that I relax into a mood, my eyes do smart at thoughts of blood.
November 24, 2015 4:43 PM Subscribe
I have.."unwanted thoughts syndrome", or something and it seems to come up mainly when I am trying to relax or meditate. I am trying to understand why.
fr'instance: Today I'm lying on my bed, belly up, to let my body relax, but as soon as my mind began to relax it produced this horrific imagination - a giant axe descending onto my abdomen and cutting through my guts and spine.
(I'm like a cat who can't let you touch it's belly, so it has something to do with feeling physically and psychically vulnerable and that feeling causing a fear response)
This has been going on for some time - not sure how long exactly, but years?..so I can't really pin it to anything particular that happened to me in the past.
It doesn't usually invade my day-to-day life at all, but may occasionally..It is only somewhat worrisome, I would say that I may be higher strung and prone to outbursts more than some. This isn't very flattering, but then, this is Metafilter goddammit, not OKCupid.
Thanks -
fr'instance: Today I'm lying on my bed, belly up, to let my body relax, but as soon as my mind began to relax it produced this horrific imagination - a giant axe descending onto my abdomen and cutting through my guts and spine.
(I'm like a cat who can't let you touch it's belly, so it has something to do with feeling physically and psychically vulnerable and that feeling causing a fear response)
This has been going on for some time - not sure how long exactly, but years?..so I can't really pin it to anything particular that happened to me in the past.
It doesn't usually invade my day-to-day life at all, but may occasionally..It is only somewhat worrisome, I would say that I may be higher strung and prone to outbursts more than some. This isn't very flattering, but then, this is Metafilter goddammit, not OKCupid.
Thanks -
Best answer: Partly, this is due to your mind forming this habit pattern. After a period of time, your mind settles into a groove and every time you do X, it automatically thinks Y.
Here's an example from real life: Every time I rinse something soapy with cold water, I recall (a) training I had for a part time job while I was in college, (b) a conversation/argument I had about it with an ex-boyfriend whom I haven't seen in 15 years, and (c) recollection of a later understanding I had, independent of the nincompoop, as to why he got the issue wrong and what he was thinking of.
Here's another example from my real life: Every time I shave one part of one leg, I recall (a) an aesthetician who used to wax my legs back in the 90s and (b) that I had to re-wax that part of that leg once before an important weekend long date with a guy I haven't seen in about 12 years, who I would like to not remember, although memories of him are not as fraught as they used to be.
When I was a little kid, I used to walk down the sidewalk bracing to be hit by a car every time a car drove by.
I tried to move into a different thought pattern, with respect to the first two examples, but I finally decided that my mind was just going to do what it was going to do and I could choose to pay attention or not. Like a recurring dream, for example. You can think that it means something or you can think that it's mind excrement. I choose the latter.
With respect to the imaginings of my childhood they went away on their own. It later turned out that my father had some of the same kinds of thoughts.
Anyway, in your shoes, I would continue to meditate and acknowledge that it is the job of the mind to create thoughts and distractions, and since a gigantic axe dismembering you is a pretty good distraction, the mind is doing its job pretty well. Don't actively try to make the thoughts go away, just be okay with them, practice not actively encouraging or discouraging them, and they will eventually go away on their own, to be replaced by other thoughts created by the mind.
posted by janey47 at 5:13 PM on November 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
Here's an example from real life: Every time I rinse something soapy with cold water, I recall (a) training I had for a part time job while I was in college, (b) a conversation/argument I had about it with an ex-boyfriend whom I haven't seen in 15 years, and (c) recollection of a later understanding I had, independent of the nincompoop, as to why he got the issue wrong and what he was thinking of.
Here's another example from my real life: Every time I shave one part of one leg, I recall (a) an aesthetician who used to wax my legs back in the 90s and (b) that I had to re-wax that part of that leg once before an important weekend long date with a guy I haven't seen in about 12 years, who I would like to not remember, although memories of him are not as fraught as they used to be.
When I was a little kid, I used to walk down the sidewalk bracing to be hit by a car every time a car drove by.
I tried to move into a different thought pattern, with respect to the first two examples, but I finally decided that my mind was just going to do what it was going to do and I could choose to pay attention or not. Like a recurring dream, for example. You can think that it means something or you can think that it's mind excrement. I choose the latter.
With respect to the imaginings of my childhood they went away on their own. It later turned out that my father had some of the same kinds of thoughts.
Anyway, in your shoes, I would continue to meditate and acknowledge that it is the job of the mind to create thoughts and distractions, and since a gigantic axe dismembering you is a pretty good distraction, the mind is doing its job pretty well. Don't actively try to make the thoughts go away, just be okay with them, practice not actively encouraging or discouraging them, and they will eventually go away on their own, to be replaced by other thoughts created by the mind.
posted by janey47 at 5:13 PM on November 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
Yes, there are certainly medications that can help with intrusive thoughts. However, if this is not something that is affecting (or is only rarely affecting) you during your normal activities, medication may be a sledgehammer when what you want is a screwdriver. If this *is* seriously impacting your life, please do go see a psychiatrist.
If you are looking for ways to retrain your brain, check out Three Minute Therapy, an excellent book on CBT. This may help you rescript and redirect your thoughts when you need it.
Also, meditation is HARD. It takes practice, and lots of it, and it's not always a straight-forward path to mastery. Nearly everyone has 'intrusive thoughts' when they meditate. Getting past it is the whole point, so don't feel bad that this is happening. It's really not that unusual. The disturbing imagery is like your ego/monkey-mind throwing a tantrum to get you to pay attention to it. It knows how to push your buttons better than anyone because it is part of you, and it hates being ignored. But you are more than your thoughts. You still exist when you are not thinking, so engage that part of you that is beyond thought to help you here.
You may find it helpful to try the exercise of stepping back from your thoughts -- to create a neutral observer in your mind that simply watches the thoughts but does not judge or think about them. You can find this exercise in the Power of Now. You can also give a little reassuring pep-talk to your ego/monkey mind before you meditate along the lines of 'Look, you are a very important part of me, but right now I would like you to rest. It won't be forever. I will come back and then we can pick up where we left off."
Good luck -- settling down the monkey mind can be a frustrating process, but it's a great tool to learn!
posted by ananci at 5:56 PM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you are looking for ways to retrain your brain, check out Three Minute Therapy, an excellent book on CBT. This may help you rescript and redirect your thoughts when you need it.
Also, meditation is HARD. It takes practice, and lots of it, and it's not always a straight-forward path to mastery. Nearly everyone has 'intrusive thoughts' when they meditate. Getting past it is the whole point, so don't feel bad that this is happening. It's really not that unusual. The disturbing imagery is like your ego/monkey-mind throwing a tantrum to get you to pay attention to it. It knows how to push your buttons better than anyone because it is part of you, and it hates being ignored. But you are more than your thoughts. You still exist when you are not thinking, so engage that part of you that is beyond thought to help you here.
You may find it helpful to try the exercise of stepping back from your thoughts -- to create a neutral observer in your mind that simply watches the thoughts but does not judge or think about them. You can find this exercise in the Power of Now. You can also give a little reassuring pep-talk to your ego/monkey mind before you meditate along the lines of 'Look, you are a very important part of me, but right now I would like you to rest. It won't be forever. I will come back and then we can pick up where we left off."
Good luck -- settling down the monkey mind can be a frustrating process, but it's a great tool to learn!
posted by ananci at 5:56 PM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yep, "intrusive thoughts" is the term you want. I get them too. If you choose to pursue therapy, try and find someone who specializes in OCD.
They are a lot more common than you might think, but people aren't inclined to talk about them because the thoughts are often pretty disturbing, and it can start a shame spiral that just makes the intrusive thoughts worse and worse. Just knowing that it's common, and knowing that my brain keeps shoving X in front of my face doesn't mean I actually want X to happen, has gone a long way towards making the thoughts less scary for me.
Acknowledging the thought in a calm, unceremonious way can help. "Yep, that's an intrusive thought I'm having. Getting cut by a giant axe would be horrible, and that's why I'm so disturbed by this thought. It is just a thought and I don't have to do anything about it." Modify the script in a way that works for you.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:57 PM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
They are a lot more common than you might think, but people aren't inclined to talk about them because the thoughts are often pretty disturbing, and it can start a shame spiral that just makes the intrusive thoughts worse and worse. Just knowing that it's common, and knowing that my brain keeps shoving X in front of my face doesn't mean I actually want X to happen, has gone a long way towards making the thoughts less scary for me.
Acknowledging the thought in a calm, unceremonious way can help. "Yep, that's an intrusive thought I'm having. Getting cut by a giant axe would be horrible, and that's why I'm so disturbed by this thought. It is just a thought and I don't have to do anything about it." Modify the script in a way that works for you.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:57 PM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Yep, intrusive thoughts. A lot of people who advocate meditation can gloss over them, but if you have other mental health difficulties they can make the otherwise good suggestion of meditation a total triggerfest of no-goes. Anyway they are very common, including for people who are otherwise totally average in their mental health, they're just not something that are talked about too often in that context.
Sometimes people who get seriously into meditation reach a bit of a roadblock with them and that's when they seek out the guidance of a teacher. This happened with a family friend; he is now a pretty serious Buddhist and really calming to be around now that he's over his fervent years.
If your intrusive thoughts are keeping you from getting the rest you need or happening during daily activities, especially while driving or in conversation - times when you should be fully present - that's when psychiatrists and related professions are going to be really helpful for you. Intrusive thoughts are very treatable and if you are just resigned to them happening and messing you up, don't be. You have a lot of options to try.
posted by Mizu at 7:21 PM on November 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Sometimes people who get seriously into meditation reach a bit of a roadblock with them and that's when they seek out the guidance of a teacher. This happened with a family friend; he is now a pretty serious Buddhist and really calming to be around now that he's over his fervent years.
If your intrusive thoughts are keeping you from getting the rest you need or happening during daily activities, especially while driving or in conversation - times when you should be fully present - that's when psychiatrists and related professions are going to be really helpful for you. Intrusive thoughts are very treatable and if you are just resigned to them happening and messing you up, don't be. You have a lot of options to try.
posted by Mizu at 7:21 PM on November 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
There's an old thread somewhere back in the archives where someone had a very similar problem. A lot of Mefites mentioned having similar thoughts. (Like crossing a bridge and suddenly the thought "what if you jumped off?" pops into your head.) The best term I remember from that thread was "the imp of the perverse."
posted by MsMolly at 10:36 PM on November 24, 2015
posted by MsMolly at 10:36 PM on November 24, 2015
Found it. Although I guess the thread is more about those weird "what if I suddenly did this" thoughts than about picturing things happening to you.
posted by MsMolly at 10:40 PM on November 24, 2015
posted by MsMolly at 10:40 PM on November 24, 2015
Change the pattern, lie differently or as part of your wind-down into the relaxation describe yourself as lying in, for example, a soft meadow with only open sky above and surrounded by nothing for hundreds of yards, or whatever. I had similar (annoying but not upsetting) thoughts that wouldn't allow me to do my relaxing, and changing the setting mentally helped. They wanted me to visualize myself floating in the water on a beach, which was inherently unrelaxing, I might float away! So I re-invisioned it to a pool. There was another one about imagining a massage, and I was awkward and uncomfortable because I hadn't shaved my legs, so I had to imagine I had shaved my legs and had a shower. You might feel better "protecting" your tummy with your hands or a blanket or by lying in your front or side, or even by sitting up until you break the pattern.
posted by Iteki at 1:56 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Iteki at 1:56 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
I was taught a meditation strategy that may be helpful for you: When intrusive thoughts appear, try to imagine them printed on a piece of paper, as if you were seeing them in a book or magazine. Take the piece of paper and slowly fold or tear it up, smaller and smaller. When the paper is so small you can't fold or tear it up anymore, toss it away.
I have a version of this where I am sitting next to a river. When intrusive thoughts come, I paper them up, fold them into little boats, and then set them adrift and watch them float away. Sometimes, if they are really persistent, I'll set them on fire as well.
It takes a bit to get the general hang of it, but I've found it a particularly useful strategy.
And yes, as others have noted, if a specific posture or position seems to be facilitating such thoughts, change it up. Meditation is very much affected by the posture and position of your body but it is not dependent upon it in order to work.
Good luck.
posted by jammy at 5:50 AM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have a version of this where I am sitting next to a river. When intrusive thoughts come, I paper them up, fold them into little boats, and then set them adrift and watch them float away. Sometimes, if they are really persistent, I'll set them on fire as well.
It takes a bit to get the general hang of it, but I've found it a particularly useful strategy.
And yes, as others have noted, if a specific posture or position seems to be facilitating such thoughts, change it up. Meditation is very much affected by the posture and position of your body but it is not dependent upon it in order to work.
Good luck.
posted by jammy at 5:50 AM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
My therapist suggested this for my intrusive thoughts and it has helped a lot - whenever you have one, concentrate hard on some sensory input. (This room smells like potpourri, this blanket feels nubby under my back, I hear the hum of the HVAC, etc.). It helps a large percentage of the time.
Another thing that works is a boring mind game where I either make myself think of cities that begin with letters of the alphabet (Anchorage, Bonn, etc.) or do some number game (thinking of primes or whatever).
Good luck!
posted by pointystick at 6:23 AM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Another thing that works is a boring mind game where I either make myself think of cities that begin with letters of the alphabet (Anchorage, Bonn, etc.) or do some number game (thinking of primes or whatever).
Good luck!
posted by pointystick at 6:23 AM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am a clinician in training; I am not your clinician in training. Intrusive images like that can sometimes be related to experiences on the obsessive-compulsive spectrum.
If it ends up being something that gets enough in your way or is distressing enough, and the advice here doesn't seem to help you deal with those images, I might see a CBT clinician.
posted by Keter at 11:57 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
If it ends up being something that gets enough in your way or is distressing enough, and the advice here doesn't seem to help you deal with those images, I might see a CBT clinician.
posted by Keter at 11:57 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks, EVERYONE for the kind and thoughtful answers. There isn't one that's not a help in some way.
I was asked to mark a favorite, so I picked a couple..I feel like I'm far enough along in my journey to be able to appreciate and appropriate the mediation advice..I would like to let go not re-distract myself.
Anyway, thanks everyone
posted by bird internet at 10:02 AM on December 30, 2015
I was asked to mark a favorite, so I picked a couple..I feel like I'm far enough along in my journey to be able to appreciate and appropriate the mediation advice..I would like to let go not re-distract myself.
Anyway, thanks everyone
posted by bird internet at 10:02 AM on December 30, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
I am a psych nurse. I am not your psych nurse, or a psychiatrist.
posted by RainyJay at 5:08 PM on November 24, 2015 [9 favorites]