How to decide if adoption is the right choice?

November 24, 2015 12:30 AM

My partner and I are struggling with infertility. We are thinking of options but I'm not sure how we navigate how we really feel about those options, particularly adoption.

We've had a late miscarriage (12 weeks) and two-ish unsuccessful cycles of IVF (one round was cancelled). The main problem seems to be with me (woman, 36 years old) and the doctor wasn't very optimistic although did not discourage us from trying IVF again. But I feel we should think about what our longer term Plan B is at this stage.

I don't think using an egg donor is for me. One of the main draws for a biological pregnancy is to have a child who is a bit of both me and my husband.

We are less sure about adoption. We go back and forth a lot about it:

Other than the infertility, we honestly have a fantastic life. We love each other so much and have fun together. We travel, go to music gigs, hang out with other childless friends, spend all our money on booze and food and clothes and the cat and just general selfish indulgences. It's great!

But...

I don't know how big that "but..." is. How do I decide how badly I want us to have a family? At the end of the day, it is about feeling like we are incomplete as a family. I see friends who are pregnant, his sister is about to have her second, and I just get so eaten up by envy and sadness. I think I intellectually know that family does not require blood relations. I know it would be so good to open our home and hearts to a child who needs them. But is my envy just a passing feeling? Do I want a child so badly to go though the complicated stressful bewildering process that it involves?

Have you gone through this? How did you come to your decisions? Is the fact that I'm even questioning this choice mean it's not the right choice for me? I feel like I have to be 150% sure about adoption before going into it. How I get to that level of confidence either way? If we could decide adoption is also off the table then I can think about how to accept a childless life. I just can't stand being in limbo.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total)

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I haven't been through the adoption process, but a friend adopted a little boy after problems with infertility, and it seems to have been a brilliant experience for her and she adores him. One thing to consider with adoption is that children who need adopting have often been through trauma in their early life and can need a lot of support with this. Good luck with whatever you decide.
posted by Dorothea_in_Rome at 3:35 AM on November 24, 2015

I have gone through this a little. We just kept hanging out and trying a lot until we got pregnant. It took a few years. I think you should try another doctor and stuff like that before you give up on conceiving. 36 is not old and I really hate that women are made to feel so shitty about our age and motherhood. Was there some medical reason beyond your age that caused you to try IVF? I suppose your options depend on how you and your husband both check out medically, and it sounds like you don't quite have that info yet?

I'm still open to adopting, fwiw. If it were financially wise, we would have done it already. We have a few goals to meet before another child is a good idea.

At 36, please don't panic. Any route you pursue takes time. Enjoy the process, whatever road you take. Get medical advice you feel is accurate, because that sounds like the biggest unknown thus far.
posted by jbenben at 3:49 AM on November 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

I think I intellectually know that family does not require blood relations.

Do you know anyone who was themselves adopted as a child? Talking to someone who was (or just thinking about the people you already know) might help you make the leap from knowing this intellectually to believing it emotionally.
posted by telegraph at 4:33 AM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

The wife and I went through 5+ years of fertility treatments culminating in 3 rounds of IVF, of which the last time was successful. We had considered fostering leading to adoption, and it's still in the back of my mind. I figure if we wanted kids badly enough to put in that much effort and strain on our relationship (not to mention her body) that we really wanted kids.

Have you had any couples or individual therapy? Infertility is a motherfucker of a stressor, and until the wife and I sat down that first time I don't think either one of us realized how much apart we'd grown.
posted by disconnect at 6:02 AM on November 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

My wife and I went through infertility and then chose adoption. We are adoptive parents.

I have answered a few threads on AskMe about this and there you might find a variety of viewpoints to consider -

Ethical Adoption Agencies

So, why don't you just adopt? - this question asker was in a pretty similar position to you, I think. I actually directly answer your question about "blood relations" in my answer there. In brief, you are not blood related to your spouse, are you? Don't you love them? Aren't you also "blood related" to some aunt, uncle, parent, sibling, cousin or grandparent that you don't love or perhaps even can't stand?

You can MeMail me specific questions, if you like.
posted by Slothrop at 6:15 AM on November 24, 2015 [9 favorites]

I was adopted when I was three weeks old. My parents had been trying to get pregnant for almost ten years with no success, so they went through (I believe) a state-run adoption process and ended up with me. It was, hands-down, the best thing that ever happened to me. I won the fucking lottery.

I don't really know what my parents' state of mind was in those years leading up to my joining the family. I can only assume it was stressful, and sad, and hard for them. But, I do know that they kept trying because they wanted a family very much. My understanding as a child was always that they tried the natural way for a while, and when that didn't work they adopted, because that was the next step. They seemed pretty blase about it to me when I was growing up, and I accepted it as part of life.

They always made me feel loved, and wanted, and part of the family. I've never had any desire to track down my birth parents, because I just don't need to. I know my family.

I know this doesn't directly address your question, but I hope it's a helpful data point, at least.
posted by Shohn at 6:57 AM on November 24, 2015 [13 favorites]

If you can find support group sessions specifically for couples thinking of adopting, I think this could be an enormous help.

A friend of mine had a similar progression and ended up adopting. Before that, though, she said that she needed to fully grieve. There can be a profound sense of loss when you cannot conceive, and she needed to accept those feelings of sadness in order to let them go. Talking to people in different phases of this helped her process the grief.
posted by Paper rabies at 7:26 AM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

An ex boyfriend of mine was adopted, and it made his life a thousand times better than what it would have been otherwise--he discovered this when he decided to reconnect with his birth family as a teenager. That's just one data point, of course, that may or may not be relevant to you.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:23 AM on November 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

Bringing a child into your life is a huge decision. Are you prepared to raise a child with hidden disabilities? Some people are, some are not.
posted by Melismata at 10:36 AM on November 24, 2015

One of the main draws for a biological pregnancy is to have a child who is a bit of both me and my husband.

I have a biological child (after IVF) who appears to be nothing like me or my husband. Well, he looks kinda like us, but the origin of his temperament is a mystery. It's not a guarantee.

Good luck sorting it out. I know it's not easy.
posted by pizzazz at 11:57 AM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

I was adopted (it was arranged before my birth). My mom and dad were 43 and 44 respectively when I was born. Not sure how old my birth parents were; I think my birth-mother must have been in her mid-twenties. I've met her once, when I was 13 (mostly because my mom kept asking me if I wanted to, until I felt like she really wanted me to meet her, so I went along with it).

Because I also want to adopt, I have asked my mom about the adoption process several times. Based on what I understand, it's a lot of paperwork and waiting, but as long as you're patient and good at following up when opportunities arise, it seems like it's really not that much of a hassle. Sure, there are visits to your home and whatnot, but from what I've been told those visits aren't nearly as much pressure as they're built up to be. People stress themselves out about them, but no one is going to take your kid away because the bed's unmade.

Anyway, regarding your main draw of having a child who is a bit of both you and your husband - I'm definitely very much like my mom and dad, and as far as I'm aware I'm really almost nothing like either my biological mother or father, either in appearance or temperament. I actually happen to look quite a lot like my dad's family (the childhood pictures of me and my cousin look uncannily similar). Also, when I met my birth mother, I felt zero familiarity toward her. The whole meeting was very forced and awkward on my end, and the main thing I remember about the visit is how badly I wanted to leave. So, there's my one data point if you have any concerns about the kid not bonding with you fully or something. I still have an extremely close relationship with my mom (my dad died when I was 12).

If you would like to take telegraph's suggestion above, and ask a few questions of an adopted kid, feel free to contact me.
posted by Urban Winter at 1:17 PM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

Re: One of the main draws for a biological pregnancy is to have a child who is a bit of both me and my husband.

I was raised by my mom and stepdad. I think anyone who knows all three of us would definitely say I am a little bit of both of them, even though my genes are 0% my stepdad's!

I think you should seriously consider adopting and what it means, and how different it would be from having a biological kid. Obviously only YOU know for sure what would go on that list, but I think if you want a child badly, who is comprised of personality traits of you and your mate, adopting would still accomplish that!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 3:41 PM on November 24, 2015

I don't think using an egg donor is for me. One of the main draws for a biological pregnancy is to have a child who is a bit of both me and my husband.
We are less sure about adoption.

Well...an egg donor is at least half your husband. Adoption is neither of you. Are you okay with either of those as options?

At the end of the day, it is about feeling like we are incomplete as a family.

I think that sentence alone to me indicates that you want a child in some way. Which way you end up doing it is up to you. I don't know if biology has to rule everything for you or not or if you feel like you can't love a child that isn't at least one of you. I think that you want a child is a given, you just need to pick how far you want to go and how specific you need to get.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:11 PM on November 24, 2015

For me and parents I know with both biological and adopted children, the experience of parenting is that you love your child as deeply and richly whether they were born to you or adopted. When there's a difficult relationship, it's been generally because the parent had a rigid idea about being a parent and was going to be unhappy with whoever their child was, adopted or biological.

A decent family therapist will walk you and your husband through the conversations about infertility and adoption and help you find an answer rather than spend more time circling the conversations which can feel wearying.It should be a 1-2 session straightforward thing.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:53 PM on November 24, 2015

I have long said to my adopted daughters (7 and 13), that whether you go to the ice cream parlor, or go to the supermarket, the end result is the same -- you still wind up with ice cream and it tastes just as good either way.

It is impossible to make generalizations about bio families vs adopted families. Sometimes one family can contain both kinds of siblings! There is no shortage of terrible mums both bio and adopted, and the same for wonderful mums. And BOTH adoption and pregnancy are stressful, complicated, and bewildering, BTW. just in different ways.

It seems to me as if your real question is whether you do want a kid -- and there is no right or wrong answer to that. But I would like to tell you that what makes a loving family isn't how the baby arrived the first day. It's all the time that passes together -- the cuddling, the flu shots, the soccer practices, the homework, the vacations, the books read together, the vomit and blood, the giggles, the tears, the fights, the birthdays, the kisses, the breakfasts and dinners, the new shoes. It's endless and tedious and it's precious and joyful. It can't be rushed. And it can't be taken away.

I wish you and whatever your family turns out to be, the best of luck.
posted by jfwlucy at 7:08 PM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

I love that you're getting a wide range of perspectives. To add a counterpoint to another adoptee above: I was adopted as an infant in the 60s, and I very much did not win the adoptive family lottery. I always knew I'd want to find my birth parents, but I never planned beyond that: I didn't fantasize about relationships with them. I just wanted the knowledge. Even if I'd had the best adoptive family ever, I'd probably still have searched because that's just who I am. I need to know. After searching for 25 years, I found them. Bonus: we are 2.5 years into building loving, sustained relationships and it's going very well. My dad (adoptive) is fantastic, gracious, and open about it after initially being scared. My mom (adoptive) did not react well to pre-existing mental health issues and we haven't spoken in 2 years.

If you do adopt, be cognizant that your child may or may not want to search for biological relatives. Your child may want to search but be afraid of telling you, even if you have a good relationship. Your child may have feelings about being adopted that you're unable to relate to. Part of my mom handling it badly was in lying to me and keeping secrets. It didn't have to be that way.

I wish you all the best.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 2:29 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]