Exploring anger post breakup

November 23, 2015 9:36 AM

In the final minutes of my last session, my therapist encouraged me to explore anger following the abrupt end of a short term relationship. I don't feel angry. How might I approach this?

Inspired by this question, I am seeking ways to help me safely explore anger in the wake of a brief but intense relationship. My next session is two weeks from today, and I didn't have time to ask my therapist about what she had in mind before our telephone session ended.

I was with a man fourteen years my senior for a few short months. It was very intense and accelerated quickly. He has three children and I was confronting previously held beliefs about the presence of children in my life. He said he wanted to be a family, and as a childless person, I did my best to educate myself to prepare for eventually meeting his children. It didn't happen. He ended the relationship abruptly a few weeks ago, saying that this was his pattern and I "lasted longer than most of them do". I cared for him deeply, and felt very hurt and rejected, but have been doing my best to honour those feelings and process them as necessary.

Upon much reflection and a few counselling sessions, I've accepted that I was not what he was looking for. I wish things had turned out differently, but I realize this is beyond my control. I'm not religious but have spiritually Buddhist leanings; I endeavour to be compassionate and don't want to harbour feelings of anger towards him.

I realize he was at times unkind, and could have handled the breakup more sensitively. It was harsh and he said some hurtful things during the short time we were together. That said, anger seems unhealthy and unproductive. My therapist thinks otherwise.

I will clarify her intentions at our next session in two weeks' time, but would appreciate any suggestions you might have has to how best to process and acknowledge anger as part of this process.

posted by Juniper Toast to Human Relations (22 answers total)

You can't make yourself feel angry. Personally I've only had one relationship that led to me feeling angry post breakup, and in that case I didn't feel mad about it until, literally, years later when I started thinking about all the things I could have done to make me happier in that relationship (including leaving).

I think what your therapist may be getting at is that it's ok to feel however you feel, even if the emotions are negative ones like hurt and anger, and to grow from that. Anger can be very constructive. Getting mad can inspire change. But it's also important that if you're going to get angry about something that you learn to work with it and not let the anger take you over.
posted by phunniemee at 9:44 AM on November 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

Your therapist might simply think a) these feelings will develop/fester over time, they just haven't yet, or b) that you are already denying your feelings.

It's ok if you really aren't upset by this. Seems you've already come to terms with it, i.e. forgiveness for his actions and acceptance that it wasn't in your control.
posted by lizbunny at 9:46 AM on November 23, 2015

Based on what you've written, it sounds to me like you're angry, but for whatever reason you've decided to suppress that emotion and instead focus on something else.

There's some language you use that keys me into some things you might want to explore with your therapist:

"I was not what he was looking for." Nope, that's not it at all, you were EXACTLY who he was looking for, someone he could 'hit it and quit it' with. You know that whole wanting to be in a family thing was total bullshit, right? Besides if he has children already, he's got a family, he's chosen not to be with them.

Honoring and processing rejection and hurt are fine, but intellectually you know this guy yanked you around and you've decided that for some reason that anger is not as valid an emotion as hurt is. That too, is bullshit.

Anger isn't always destructive or counter-productive. Anger can be cleansing, anger is often justified, and giving voice to it can really help you process the crap this trifling, jerk put you through. (I'm angry on your behalf right now, but I know you have it in you to be angry for yourself.)

Don't you see that 'lasting longer than they usually do,' is a sign that he's a serial monogamist and that his intentions were never what you thought they were.

Please get angry with this guy so that you can learn how to better protect yourself in the future.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:46 AM on November 23, 2015 [21 favorites]

I don't think it's right for someone, not even a therapist, to tell you how you should feel. Especially not a therapist, actually; telling someone they're wrong for not feeling such and such a way is disempowering, and that's the opposite of what a therapist should be doing. That many people might feel angry in such a situation isn't a basis for telling you, in essence, that you're wrong for not feeling that way, or that you're doing your own feelings the wrong way.

I feel strongly about this because I had similar reactions from people (not my therapist, thankfully) when I had a bad experience with my biological father. I was really ok with the encounter, and I felt perhaps a bit disappointed but not angry. Nonetheless, I had a whole raft of people expressing consternation that I wasn't furious; after all, they would have been. Well, you know, that's fine, and that's their prerogative, but it wasn't how I felt and I was really quite capable of processing my own emotions; it wasn't their place to insist that I react the way they would had.

Certainly, if you being feeling anger, you should allow yourself to feel it and not try to suppress it or fight it back. But I don't think it will be especially useful for you to have other people prescribe to you by fiat how you should be feeling simply because they've decided that anger is the appropriate emotion for your situation. Go your own way, wherever that leads.
posted by holborne at 9:58 AM on November 23, 2015 [11 favorites]

I don't think he treated you very well. If this was a movie, and I was your sassy but wise best friend, I'd make some scathing remarks about him while we sat in a cafe and drank cosmos or something. I'd exaggerate how awful he is and you'd [ laugh and ]maybe feel better.

I don't know for sure if being mad would help. My parents divorced when I was young and both of them dated for a few years before developing long term partnerships. Believe me that blended families are not anything like TV blended families like The Brady Bunch. (Way more yelling and big piles of seething hatred are more typical than chipper charm and 30 minute solutions with hugs.)

Not introducing you to his kids is what he's supposed to do. He can't let small children get attached and unattached. So I give him a couple of points for apparently doing a good job thinking about their feelings. He doesn't seem to have been so careful of your feelings.

If you want to be mad at anything, you could be mad at the existence of the madonna whore complex. This man is looking to date and enjoy coupling up, but is also shopping for a Mary Poppins for his kids, apparently. And even if he did want to settle down (which doesn't seem to be what he's saying) he's got to be pulled in a couple of different directions right now.

Maybe your therapist is worried that you think shitty treatment is par for the course and you can't hope to get anything better? She doesn't want you to be passive and accepting of this kind of disrespect???
posted by puddledork at 10:03 AM on November 23, 2015 [6 favorites]

Anger is a secondary emotion. It serves to give energy to protect yourself from fear or hurt or sadness. Often, in situations like this one, people feel angry first before finally settling in to the underlying emotions. To me it sounds like you have bypassed the anger, and that's totally fine. You're sad and hurt and you're doing a really good job being cognizant of that, honoring those feelings and caring for yourself and moving past them as you are ready. This was an intense emotional experience, but brief. We're not talking about someone who was your partner for decades who badly mistreated you for years and ended things in a deliberately hurtful, provocative manner. He didn't handle it well. He did things that were selfish. If you did feel angry it would be understandable, but your emotional response is also understandable. I guess the bigger question, and one to explore with your therapist is whether a lack of anger is a pattern in your life. If it's something you do avoid at all costs, that would be another situation entirely. If this is a singular situation, though, I agree with the others who say your feelings are your feelings. There is no reason to force yourself to feel something that you do not.
posted by goggie at 10:11 AM on November 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

I kind of see where you're coming from, that anger may not feel productive but based on what you write, I think there is something to what your therapist is trying to encourage you to do.

You write in a manner that is trying to be very objective and fair to him. You seem to be trying really hard not to take it personally. You seem to be taking pains to take a lot of responsibility off this guy for the pain he caused you.

"felt very hurt and rejected," - note the passive tone to this. Why not "He hurt me when he rejected me"

"he was at times unkind, and could have handled the breakup more sensitively" - sounds like a third person point of view. But he did this to YOU, not a friend, not a stranger, you.

"I wish things had turned out differently, but I realize this is beyond my control." That may be true, but you know what, it was not beyond his own control how he treats you and how he communicates with you.

Maybe it's not really about being angry with him, and it's not about acknowledging your pain, but acknowledging the fact that he was the source of that pain? He has been the source of your unhappiness. This unhappiness is not a side effect, it is a direct effect he has imposed on you. It doesn't make you a bad person to blame him. It doesn't make you a bad person to think he wasted your time. It doesn't make you a bad person to say "Christ what an asshole."

I think any sort of extreme is unhealthy. I'm not saying you should go around always blaming people for everything in your life. But I think it could also be unhealthy to always default to "Oh, these things happen..." Perhaps your therapist wants you to be able to recognise when someone is specifically responsible for their actions and the pain they cause you instead of trying hard to be the "nice/not psycho" ex-girlfriend.

-
PS:
I mean if only for this line "I "lasted longer than most of them do"" as if you're just another casualty in an endless string of relationships. Come on, say it with me: CHRIST WHAT AN ASSHOLE!
posted by like_neon at 10:16 AM on November 23, 2015 [6 favorites]

Huh. So he knew "this was his pattern" but he chose to keep that little tidbit of information dark and talk a lot of yap about wanting to be a family. He seems to have lied his face off. He also lumped you in with a crew of "them," where "them" is people whom he thinks don't deserve the minimal effort it would take to be honest with "them" so "them" could make sensible choices about what to do with their time to avoid injury and seek growth/good times/support/whatever "them" might be presumed to be seeking in an intimate relationship. If you're not mad at him for that and are going to get to skip the pissed-off stage, or you moved through it so fast you didn't notice, then bonus, that's fantastic, but in case it's that you haven't arrived at the pissed-off stage, yet and eventually you get there and notice that you are hopping mad, I sure wouldn't worry that you're doing any damage to your health being pissed at somebody who didn't have the human decency not to lie to you and "them."
posted by Don Pepino at 10:20 AM on November 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

Anger is not always a secondary emotion, and often other emotions can be used to cover over anger, because many of us were brought up to believe that nice people (especially nice women) don't get angry.

Anger is often called "the backbone of healing." It's the force that can give us the insight to recognize that our boundaries are being violated and the energy to make positive changes to remedy that. In my experience, people who habitually repress or deflect their own anger tend to have difficulties with depression, appropriate boundaries, and getting their own needs met. Even if you're not particularly angry about this particular relationship, your therapist may be seeing larger overall patterns that she thinks would be beneficial for you to work on. You may want to look at When Anger Scares You: How to Overcome Your Fear of Conflict and Express Your Anger in Healthy Ways for more information about healthy productive anger, and for some insight into what your therapist might mean. (Obviously, though, talking to her for clarification is still a good plan!)
posted by jaguar at 10:42 AM on November 23, 2015 [13 favorites]

I think it's 100% fine if you're genuinely not angry, but from what you've written here, it sounds kinda like you more think you SHOULDN'T be angry (because it's not productive or kind or whatever), and I'm guessing that's what your therapist has picked up on. Now, responding to anger towards this guy by taking unhealthy actions (like stalking him, or calling him up at his work and screaming at him, or wallowing in your anger for months and months) is obviously not a good plan (and I do not think this is what your therapist wants!). But I do think being able to acknowledge to yourself that, yeah, whatever his personal issues, this guy was a total jackhole and user and you deserve WAY better, can be pretty healthy. In part because I think sometimes that catharisis is helpful. And in part because it helps you set your intentions for your next relationship, that this kind of treatment is really freaking unacceptable, and while you don't have the power to control the past, you DO have the power to choose who you date next and what type of behavior is acceptable to you. When I have been in these situations, I think the best ways to deal with it are:
a) Call up your best girlfriend(s), watch some chick flicks, and bitch about how men are pigs for a while. No, you don't have to completely believe this is true for 100% of men 100% of the time. It's about the catharsis, and then you feel it and deal with it and it's over. (I am happily married and have happily played this role for girlfriends of mine going through a tough time.)
b) Write a letter and allow yourself to be as unfair and petty and mean and WHATEVER you are feeling as you want. DO NOT make it like you made this post, where the distinct impression it gives is that you are trying to be totally fair to this dude. Just get out whatever you are feeling. Then throw away or burn it - definitely DO NOT send.
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:54 AM on November 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships is another good book on using anger in productive ways.
posted by jaguar at 10:59 AM on November 23, 2015 [7 favorites]

If what she said was to "explore anger" rather than "be angry", you might just do some journaling about what aspects of the situation you could imagine invoking anger - in someone, if not you - and what that might look like and how it might manifest. Maybe essay a little about whether your reactions in lieu of anger may run the risk of holding you back or getting you stuck in the processing and recovery process.

I understand your desire not to harbor anger, but if you're avoiding anger that ought to be expressed rather than internalized, you can do yourself harm. I think that's worth taking out and examining from multiple angles.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:03 AM on November 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

I don't think anger is necessarily always a secondary emotion, for starters.

I like to think of my anger ideally as a well trained, loyal guard dog who's keeping an eye on my boundaries, and wakes up to defend them if someone's really trespassing. Anger can be so healthy, a sign that I consider myself important and valuable. My feelings matter. I should be treated with common decency. I have rights.

I think those are the kinds of healthy and productive insights your therapist could be trying to steer you towards.

I get the Buddhist angle - I have leaned that way for decades - and I know how much anger is discouraged there. But I think the truly problematic kinds of anger are aggression, violence (emotional or physical) and grudge. The dog that's out of control, that breaks out and attacks and hurts people, even hurts you, and won't stop.

Also, I truly believe that in some cases it's actually ethical and compassionate to feel and express the right kind of anger towards someone, when what they're doing is wrong and harmful. You're drawing a healthy line and offering them a chance to grow and improve.

I don't know if you're into visualization, but if it were me, I might do an exercise like this:
- Picturing my good, trustworthy, wise, fearless guard dog Anger.
- Recalling a hurtful thing [ex] said/did.
- The dog perks up and lets out a grrWOOF. (You know, one of those deep, resonant barks that mean business - dog language for "HEY! You're out of line! Back off!")
- Taking a minute to reflect, to really feel my dog's strength, certainty and skill, and thanking her for standing up for me.

If you're a cat person, I got nothing, sorry. :)
posted by sively at 11:20 AM on November 23, 2015 [9 favorites]

Have you tried screamin and yelliing? Not as a way of trying to produce emotion -- rather as a way to feel the full strength and power of your adult voice.

I did this recently as part of a healing process. It was terrifying for me. I was very scared of anger, especially in myself. I drove my car to a deserted place and tried to yell. At first only a squeak came out. Eventually I connected and was able to yell, and realized I was hearing my adult voice for the first time in my life. Soon after I found anger starting to flow, and there was a lot of it.

I highly recommend giving this a try. Especially if you have never done it and double especially if the thought of it makes you nervous or uncomfortable!
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:37 AM on November 23, 2015

Ha ha - yes! He totally lied to you from beginning to end, and you are doing all the emotional work here.

When you realize what happened, you'll be mad. For a while. For sure this is not you being "not what he was looking for." That sentiment on your part is very nice, but not accurate.
posted by jbenben at 11:42 AM on November 23, 2015 [7 favorites]

Just to clarify my earlier statement, I didn't mean anger is secondary in the sense of "lesser" or anything like that. I mean it is an energy that serves a purpose. I absolutely agree with sively that it functions like an alarm and an alarm that energizes and motivates you to fight off or protect yourself from boundaries being crossed, being hurt, being taken advantage of, etc. What I meant is that there is something under it, like fear or hurt or something like that that you are trying to avoid or fight off or get back from. Anger is absolutely healthy, and not to be dismissed. That being said, if you are legitimately not experiencing anger, it's not helpful to tell someone that they're not responding appropriately.
posted by goggie at 11:43 AM on November 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Perhaps your therapist sees a link between this and whatever may have prompted you to seek therapy originally. That's one aspect to explore.

I think what would provoke me in this situation is that he set you up to change (your stance on having children) while all he was doing was the same thing he always does, and he knowingly did this. That seems manipulative, since he now shows that he has self-awareness; it feels like he didn't respect how you were and are, and was just seeing if he could try to change you (probably another pattern of his). When you didn't turn on a dime, as any true individual could not, you then became "not what he was looking for."
posted by Riverine at 11:44 AM on November 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

What I meant is that there is something under it, like fear or hurt or something like that that you are trying to avoid or fight off

Yes, but in some situations it's the reverse, where anger is the primary (underlying) emotion and we use another "safer" emotion to avoid feeling anger. All emotions can be primary or secondary; it depends on the person and situation, not the emotion.
posted by jaguar at 11:55 AM on November 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

I realize he was at times unkind, and could have handled the breakup more sensitively. It was harsh and he said some hurtful things during the short time we were together. That said, anger seems unhealthy and unproductive. My therapist thinks otherwise.

How and why "otherwise," is the question; your therapist clearly does not want your pre-shaped ideas about the value of anger come in the way before you even have tested exploring your anger. So the recommendation to explore your anger (it seems) has the function to try to find out whether you truly feel angry (if not then not), as opposed to not allowing yourself to be angry.
That kind of testing can't be too problematic in terms of healthiness and productivity. If, after pushing your pre-conceived ideas about anger aside, there's still no anger, I can't believe that anyone would worry about that.

Take some very quiet time to test your emotions around the issues of "unkind", not "sensitive" enough, "hurtful". Just test them, don't push them in either direction: not away from anger, not toward anger. Perhaps write stuff down, whatever works best for you. It really can't hurt to do this.
posted by Namlit at 12:37 PM on November 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

I would certainly feel angry if I were you. I suspect a lot of people would, and maybe this is why your therapist presumes you are angry, and just not expressing it. But I am not you and you cannot control whether you are angry or not and I see no point in forcing yourself to experience an unpleasant emotion. Perhaps go to the therapist and say "actually, anger doesn't really describe the way I feel about this, I feel more X, Y and Z, can we explore this?"
posted by intensitymultiply at 1:49 PM on November 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

My tip to feeling productive anger - which I agree can be helpful in letting you recognize and react in appropriately self-defensive ways after boundary violations - is to stop a) detaching yourself from the situation (automatically seeing things from all sides) and b) empathizing with the person who harmed you. That means anchoring yourself in your own subjectivity and giving your hurt feelings authority.

(If that's hard, maybe a roundabout way of doing it would be imagining this situation happening to a dear friend. Could you more easily be angry on her behalf?)

If it helps, maybe think about the wrongness of his actions, and less about him as a person (because sure, it's maybe easy to think about how he got that way, or to consider how hurt begets hurt, and how no one is really to blame…). Think about the self-absorption required for him to make the demands he did, with no regard for your feelings. Think about how easy it was for him to offload the costs of his whims to you. You're worth more than that.

Or, there's an example above about dogs, another take on dogs: a poorly trained or wild dog bites you. It's not the dog's fault that it's wild or poorly trained. But it bit you. It hurts to be bitten. You might shout NO, or yell in pain when that happens, and it's ok to do that. You can consider the dog later.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:57 PM on November 23, 2015 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks, everyone. You've given me lots to think about, and I found pieces of wisdom in each of your thoughtful answers. I've got some books on hold at the library, and am thinking of dogs in a whole new way :)
posted by Juniper Toast at 2:06 PM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]