Should I invite long distance man I've already met to come visit me?
November 13, 2015 9:59 AM Subscribe
I met a guy who lives 8 hours away and really like him. Should I invite him to visit or focus on meeting people locally?
Alright folks, well anyone following my threads over the past year will know that I haven't had much luck since splitting with long-term boyfriend a year and a half ago. Enter new guy.
I was visiting a friend who lives 8 hours away (and about 2 1/2 hours away flying on a very expensive airline) when we bumped into her friend in a bar. I immediately liked him - not sure what it was, he just seemed to exude this warmth that made me want to be next to him. We started talking but the bar was packed and made hearing other impossible. I told my friend I liked him, she warned me he was "very shy" but she passed along the message anyway, resulting in him contacting me the following day.
Now, after talking online more I love the way he writes. He's artistic, kind and ticks most boxes though perhaps not all boxes I would have for myself. I recently joked to a friend that all I wanted was a guy that spoke "X language and loved cats" and, er, he does both! Anyway, I found myself feeling butterflies when he messaged me but realised that I didn't want to get attached. So, I told him I had loved talking to him to let me know if he's ever in town. He told me that he would like to talk more in person too, that he would let me know when he's next in town and that I should do the same (but I don't think he knows anyone else but me that lives in the city, so where would he stay?). And now I miss him!
But where could it go? Although we both have a soft spot for where the other person lives, I live in a city, he lives on an island (I'm not set on living anywhere at the moment btw, but don't love the thought of being isolated from family and friends if it ever got that far. I'm setting myself up freelance but that will take time. And he seems settled in his job). Ultimately I want to be with someone I can reach out and touch, who I can share a meal with and yet...I feel like it's over so soon? So, should I just chalk this one up to experience and look for a local guy or consider actually inviting him to stay with me? That would seem very forward...
Alright folks, well anyone following my threads over the past year will know that I haven't had much luck since splitting with long-term boyfriend a year and a half ago. Enter new guy.
I was visiting a friend who lives 8 hours away (and about 2 1/2 hours away flying on a very expensive airline) when we bumped into her friend in a bar. I immediately liked him - not sure what it was, he just seemed to exude this warmth that made me want to be next to him. We started talking but the bar was packed and made hearing other impossible. I told my friend I liked him, she warned me he was "very shy" but she passed along the message anyway, resulting in him contacting me the following day.
Now, after talking online more I love the way he writes. He's artistic, kind and ticks most boxes though perhaps not all boxes I would have for myself. I recently joked to a friend that all I wanted was a guy that spoke "X language and loved cats" and, er, he does both! Anyway, I found myself feeling butterflies when he messaged me but realised that I didn't want to get attached. So, I told him I had loved talking to him to let me know if he's ever in town. He told me that he would like to talk more in person too, that he would let me know when he's next in town and that I should do the same (but I don't think he knows anyone else but me that lives in the city, so where would he stay?). And now I miss him!
But where could it go? Although we both have a soft spot for where the other person lives, I live in a city, he lives on an island (I'm not set on living anywhere at the moment btw, but don't love the thought of being isolated from family and friends if it ever got that far. I'm setting myself up freelance but that will take time. And he seems settled in his job). Ultimately I want to be with someone I can reach out and touch, who I can share a meal with and yet...I feel like it's over so soon? So, should I just chalk this one up to experience and look for a local guy or consider actually inviting him to stay with me? That would seem very forward...
I was SORT OF in this situation 3 years ago. I met someone who lived 6 hours away as he was coming through my town and I felt the same ways you did. Except, I chalked it up to an experience until he continued to call/text and ask if he could come see me. He lives with me now in my state after a 2 year long distance relationship. I would wait it out, see what kind of communication happens between the two of you, most importantly see how HE communicates with you, does he reach out, is he eager, does he seem to want to get to know you more, does he initiate seeing each other again? Doesn't mean you cant initiate it also, but I think feeling him out (since you know you like him so far) would be a good start. Chalk it up to an experience RIGHT NOW, but stay open to the possibility of something else. If you could never see yourself moving to where he is or vice versa, I would definitely not continue because you do not want to uproot your life this soon in the game, and I'm telling you long distance relationships are so hard when you don't have them there. I was fortunate and he drove to see me almost every weekend or every other but I sometimes question if I should have just chalked it up to an experience, because like you, I had just gotten out of a serious relationship and I fell short of head over heals for this man--- and the long distance makes things just a bit more fairytale if that makes sense.
Feel it out, learn more about him, remain open to dating others in your area and don't give yourself to him or give up your life, dating, anything until you know for sure he has chosen to do the same.
posted by MamaBee223 at 10:12 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Feel it out, learn more about him, remain open to dating others in your area and don't give yourself to him or give up your life, dating, anything until you know for sure he has chosen to do the same.
posted by MamaBee223 at 10:12 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I always joke that my clients who are new to, or reentering the dating world should "Trust, but verify".
What I mean is that you should be open to love and happiness, but keep yer wits about you.
Keep the lines of communication open, your feet on the ground, and be open to dating others.
And my definition of dating is no hard core sexy times, but good conversation, companionship and deep questioning to really get to know the person. We're all in this together.
This openness to dating others will keep you from focusing all your energy and attention to this one man, and also, you might just find someone there in your neck of the woods.
Some folks are your density, some folks aren't.
This will help you find out.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 10:34 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
What I mean is that you should be open to love and happiness, but keep yer wits about you.
Keep the lines of communication open, your feet on the ground, and be open to dating others.
And my definition of dating is no hard core sexy times, but good conversation, companionship and deep questioning to really get to know the person. We're all in this together.
This openness to dating others will keep you from focusing all your energy and attention to this one man, and also, you might just find someone there in your neck of the woods.
Some folks are your density, some folks aren't.
This will help you find out.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 10:34 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I was in this situation 3 years ago. The guy and I lived a 3.5 hour flight away from each other. But we just *liked* each other. We started talking every day, Skype-ing regularly, and just never ran out of things to say. We eventually decided to meet in a city halfway between the two of us for the weekend. You can read my early nervousness about it here.
We kept at it, meeting every few months, talking, skype-ing, texting, etc. etc. and...
We got married two months ago. :) So yes, it can work. Don't worry about the logistics now (who would live where, etc. etc.). Just focus on: do you like this person? Do you want to talk to them again? For this fellow, could you meet halfway, and stay at separate hotels? Could you invite him to town and he stays at an Airbnb? Could you keep talking and video chatting and see if the attraction and interest remains? As E.L. Doctorow said about writing, "Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.” Love is the same way. Just keep your eyes on what you can see with your headlines. Note any aberrations on the side of the road. You'll find your answer. Good luck!
posted by airguitar2 at 10:50 AM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
We kept at it, meeting every few months, talking, skype-ing, texting, etc. etc. and...
We got married two months ago. :) So yes, it can work. Don't worry about the logistics now (who would live where, etc. etc.). Just focus on: do you like this person? Do you want to talk to them again? For this fellow, could you meet halfway, and stay at separate hotels? Could you invite him to town and he stays at an Airbnb? Could you keep talking and video chatting and see if the attraction and interest remains? As E.L. Doctorow said about writing, "Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.” Love is the same way. Just keep your eyes on what you can see with your headlines. Note any aberrations on the side of the road. You'll find your answer. Good luck!
posted by airguitar2 at 10:50 AM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you like him, go for it. It may work out or it may not, but you can't know unless you try. If you do find yourselves in a happy relationship a year from now, you will have no problem figuring out how to either move to the same city or work the logistics out such that you can see each other very often.
I may be a bit biased since I was in an LDR for 5 years and we're still together after 17 years. (Living together in various cities for the last 12) At first, we only saw each other for a couple of weeks at a time 3-4 times a year since we were young and poor. As time went on, we added once or twice yearly short vacations to that, and eventually ended up living together permanently. Given that all happened back when long distance calls were expensive and Skype was still many years away, I'm confident you guys can keep up enough communication to get closer to each other and not drift apart.
Furthermore, a friend of mine has managed to figure out how to run a business halfway across the country from where his then-girlfriend-now-spouse lives and works. They are rarely apart for more than a week or two at a stretch, thanks to the magic of airlines. By pouncing on good deals as they come and burning frequent flier miles when cheap flights are nowhere to be seen, they manage to make it work financially. They have a standing appointment for a nightly phone call that they both make time for no matter what else is going on to keep their connection strong despite the distance.
posted by wierdo at 11:13 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I may be a bit biased since I was in an LDR for 5 years and we're still together after 17 years. (Living together in various cities for the last 12) At first, we only saw each other for a couple of weeks at a time 3-4 times a year since we were young and poor. As time went on, we added once or twice yearly short vacations to that, and eventually ended up living together permanently. Given that all happened back when long distance calls were expensive and Skype was still many years away, I'm confident you guys can keep up enough communication to get closer to each other and not drift apart.
Furthermore, a friend of mine has managed to figure out how to run a business halfway across the country from where his then-girlfriend-now-spouse lives and works. They are rarely apart for more than a week or two at a stretch, thanks to the magic of airlines. By pouncing on good deals as they come and burning frequent flier miles when cheap flights are nowhere to be seen, they manage to make it work financially. They have a standing appointment for a nightly phone call that they both make time for no matter what else is going on to keep their connection strong despite the distance.
posted by wierdo at 11:13 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Cross the distance bridge when you need to. Enjoy a new thing now. Maybe it doesn't become a bigger thing. Maybe it does. If it does, then you can make informed decisions instead of "What ifs?"
But don't make him your everything if he's so far away this soon. If something develops, cool...become exclusive. But for now, enjoy each other's company.
posted by inturnaround at 11:28 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
But don't make him your everything if he's so far away this soon. If something develops, cool...become exclusive. But for now, enjoy each other's company.
posted by inturnaround at 11:28 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think a lot of this depends on how well you do in long distance relationships. I hate them and won't do it -- the most I've done it for is a couple of months at a time (when we knew we'd reunite at the end of that period), and even then I still hated it. Partly I just hate talking on the phone and also physical touch is my love language by a huge margin -- without it I just end up feeling really distant from the person I'm dating. On the other hand, I know plenty of people who have started off long distance or been long-distance almost from the start of their relationship, and although I don't think they would describe the long distance part as exactly FUN, they definitely made it work and had amazing relationships, some of which have turned out really well in the long term (including marriage). So I think a lot of it is just doing some self-inquiry and figuring out if you feel like your relationship needs are compatible with a long distance thing or not.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:30 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:30 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Invite the dude to come visit but also meet local men in the meantime.
Since you say you live in a city, it sounds like there are probably more fish in the sea where you already are than this one dude who lives on an island 8 hours away. But, hey, that doesn't mean you can't hit it off with him and hang out and see where it goes.
I would be leery of being in an exclusive/serious relationship with someone who lives so far away and who you haven't spent much time with in person, though. Ditto someone where your relationship has historically mostly been online.
posted by Sara C. at 11:47 AM on November 13, 2015
Since you say you live in a city, it sounds like there are probably more fish in the sea where you already are than this one dude who lives on an island 8 hours away. But, hey, that doesn't mean you can't hit it off with him and hang out and see where it goes.
I would be leery of being in an exclusive/serious relationship with someone who lives so far away and who you haven't spent much time with in person, though. Ditto someone where your relationship has historically mostly been online.
posted by Sara C. at 11:47 AM on November 13, 2015
I am familiar with LD relationships and wonder if you might split the difference. Meet him at a halfway point - neutral ground where there is none of the pressure of succumbing to someone else's space and none of the fear of exposing yourself completely. Plus, it shows his level of commitment to travel to you as well as his trust of you to go to a place you designate. In the re-entry process, this seems a reasonable interim step to me.
posted by CollectiveMind at 11:49 AM on November 13, 2015
posted by CollectiveMind at 11:49 AM on November 13, 2015
Response by poster: RE people saying we should think about meeting somewhere in between - I suppose saying "let me know if you're ever in my town!" is a low-key way of saying I like you, but not putting pressure on the other person . I mean, I think it's obvious we like each other, since we've been talking every day since meeting. Does "WHY DON'T WE MEET FOR SURE SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN" not make it sound like I (almost desperately) want to be together without knowing each other first? He does love my city, but I suppose it is a long way.
Don't get me wrong, I don't NEED to pursue this. Without tooting my horn, I'm an attractive enough woman that I think I will meet other people. But I'm sort of smitten with him and that doesn't happen to me very often.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 12:15 PM on November 13, 2015
Don't get me wrong, I don't NEED to pursue this. Without tooting my horn, I'm an attractive enough woman that I think I will meet other people. But I'm sort of smitten with him and that doesn't happen to me very often.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 12:15 PM on November 13, 2015
Why not take it one weekend at a time? Instead of "Let's meet in the middle" being the equivalent of "Will You Marry Me?", just let it be "want to go away for the weekend to [destination that is equally convenient for both of us]?"
I mean, yeah, let's go away together implies a mutual attraction in a way that let's get coffee doesn't. But if you're not at the latter stage at this point, your entire question is castles in the clouds anyway.
posted by Sara C. at 12:21 PM on November 13, 2015
I mean, yeah, let's go away together implies a mutual attraction in a way that let's get coffee doesn't. But if you're not at the latter stage at this point, your entire question is castles in the clouds anyway.
posted by Sara C. at 12:21 PM on November 13, 2015
Response by poster: Maybe I didn't make it clear above, but in saying "Let me know if you're ever in my town" was my way of cutting off online communication for now because I want to get to know him in person, rather than via the internet. I don't want a close connection to build online without being able to connect in person. Although I did ask him to keep in touch sometimes. My only worry is it could fizzle completely.
The truth is I'm enduring a really busy period in my life...I'd love to spend the next month or two resolving that and then invite him out - BUT I don't want anyone else to snap him up in the meantime. :)
posted by Kat_Dubs at 12:31 PM on November 13, 2015
The truth is I'm enduring a really busy period in my life...I'd love to spend the next month or two resolving that and then invite him out - BUT I don't want anyone else to snap him up in the meantime. :)
posted by Kat_Dubs at 12:31 PM on November 13, 2015
Go for it with this guy, but don't make it exclusive. Date local guys too. Visit this guy and have him visit you. You don't need to cut off any option at this time. If you feel something special for this man, then you should pursue it. I don't believe in the "one soulmate" theory, but I think finding one of the many partners that you can be happy with is a difficult task with lots and lots of filtering.
Given your criteria, I think you can only make a relationship work if you can get to the same location eventually. However, people move all the time. If you moved to his island and he lost his job, then you might move again. If he moved to your city, then you might retire to his island. It's fluid like that.
posted by 26.2 at 12:59 PM on November 13, 2015
Given your criteria, I think you can only make a relationship work if you can get to the same location eventually. However, people move all the time. If you moved to his island and he lost his job, then you might move again. If he moved to your city, then you might retire to his island. It's fluid like that.
posted by 26.2 at 12:59 PM on November 13, 2015
If you read my comment history from last year, you will see that I make a number of references to a guy I called "Object D'Schmoop", who is someone I was indeed dating. He lived one state line and 4 hours away, but we still went for it.
However, we weren't officially and formally exclusive; I may have been taking things a tiny bit more seriously, but only because I really REALLY dug him and was excited, but ultimately we both knew that it was just a fling for fun because of the distance, and also because he was in a very complicated set of circumstances (he was in grad school and was most likely going to eventually move somewhere even further away).
Even so, it really was good for me because it started snapping me out of a funk, it introduced me to a whole other world I didn't know about (he was studying puppetry, and I have since learned SO MUCH about the puppeteering community it's not even funny) and it was something I don't regret in the slightest.
So I would say that if you can keep things in a sort of "this is for fun and there are no promises that anything Large will happen, and I'll be grateful for what I get until it's not fun any more", then...go for it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:08 PM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
However, we weren't officially and formally exclusive; I may have been taking things a tiny bit more seriously, but only because I really REALLY dug him and was excited, but ultimately we both knew that it was just a fling for fun because of the distance, and also because he was in a very complicated set of circumstances (he was in grad school and was most likely going to eventually move somewhere even further away).
Even so, it really was good for me because it started snapping me out of a funk, it introduced me to a whole other world I didn't know about (he was studying puppetry, and I have since learned SO MUCH about the puppeteering community it's not even funny) and it was something I don't regret in the slightest.
So I would say that if you can keep things in a sort of "this is for fun and there are no promises that anything Large will happen, and I'll be grateful for what I get until it's not fun any more", then...go for it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:08 PM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
The truth is I'm enduring a really busy period in my life...I'd love to spend the next month or two resolving that and then invite him out - BUT I don't want anyone else to snap him up in the meantime. :)
Well, that's understandable but not actually an option, as I'm sure you understand. If you're not open to speaking with him online then there's really literally nothing you can do except invite him or give up. Nobody here can tell you which is the right one, but if you're thinking you can somehow have a long-distance thing that doesn't involve a shitload of phone/text/skype, that truly is castles-in-the-sky thinking.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:09 PM on November 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
Well, that's understandable but not actually an option, as I'm sure you understand. If you're not open to speaking with him online then there's really literally nothing you can do except invite him or give up. Nobody here can tell you which is the right one, but if you're thinking you can somehow have a long-distance thing that doesn't involve a shitload of phone/text/skype, that truly is castles-in-the-sky thinking.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:09 PM on November 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
(I mean there is the option of "do nothing until you're less busy and hope he's still available," but odds are he won't be and odds are you won't even remember, since you're not keeping in touch, so it's essentially the same as "do nothing, move on.")
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:11 PM on November 13, 2015
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:11 PM on November 13, 2015
No reason you can't do both.
consider actually inviting him to stay with me?
It's not clear how close a friend this man is to your mutual friend, or if she knows much about how he's behaved in relationships. Talk to your friend and see if she thinks inviting this stranger to stay in your home would be a good idea. Ask how well she knows him. Ask if there have been any problems with anger or violence in his other relationships.
To be blunt, there are many bad things that can happen from inviting a stranger (which it sounds like he is, you've only met in person once) to stay in your home. I'm not saying not to do it -- but this is something some women feel more comfortable with than others.
Would you feel capable of dealing with having a guest in your home who suddenly started making you feel unsafe? Would you be able to tell someone they must leave now? What if they refuse to leave, do you have a plan?
where would he stay?
Most importantly, if you have the sort of personality where you would be considering that question if he behaved badly, do not have him stay with you.
It's likely your city has hotels and AirBnB. Presumably you can have him visit without having to stay with you.
I suppose saying "let me know if you're ever in my town!" is a low-key way of saying I like you, but not putting pressure on the other person... saying "Let me know if you're ever in my town" was my way of cutting off online communication for now because I want to get to know him in person
Er, no, cutting off communication with someone is absolutely certainly not a "low-key way of saying I like you". If you cut off communications, he's just going to interpret that as you cutting off communication, which is not generally seen as an indicator someone likes you, quite the opposite in fact.
If you are going to do a LDR you must learn to be more clear in your communications.
all I wanted was a guy that spoke "X language and loved cats" and, er, he does both!
Unless X is a very unusual language, there will be many people who meet those two criteria. Don't get to stuck on this one guy. And if X is something like, say, Squamish -- well, you might want to consider expanding your criteria. Or maybe there's a guy who loves cats who would like to learn X.
posted by yohko at 1:37 PM on November 13, 2015
consider actually inviting him to stay with me?
It's not clear how close a friend this man is to your mutual friend, or if she knows much about how he's behaved in relationships. Talk to your friend and see if she thinks inviting this stranger to stay in your home would be a good idea. Ask how well she knows him. Ask if there have been any problems with anger or violence in his other relationships.
To be blunt, there are many bad things that can happen from inviting a stranger (which it sounds like he is, you've only met in person once) to stay in your home. I'm not saying not to do it -- but this is something some women feel more comfortable with than others.
Would you feel capable of dealing with having a guest in your home who suddenly started making you feel unsafe? Would you be able to tell someone they must leave now? What if they refuse to leave, do you have a plan?
where would he stay?
Most importantly, if you have the sort of personality where you would be considering that question if he behaved badly, do not have him stay with you.
It's likely your city has hotels and AirBnB. Presumably you can have him visit without having to stay with you.
I suppose saying "let me know if you're ever in my town!" is a low-key way of saying I like you, but not putting pressure on the other person... saying "Let me know if you're ever in my town" was my way of cutting off online communication for now because I want to get to know him in person
Er, no, cutting off communication with someone is absolutely certainly not a "low-key way of saying I like you". If you cut off communications, he's just going to interpret that as you cutting off communication, which is not generally seen as an indicator someone likes you, quite the opposite in fact.
If you are going to do a LDR you must learn to be more clear in your communications.
all I wanted was a guy that spoke "X language and loved cats" and, er, he does both!
Unless X is a very unusual language, there will be many people who meet those two criteria. Don't get to stuck on this one guy. And if X is something like, say, Squamish -- well, you might want to consider expanding your criteria. Or maybe there's a guy who loves cats who would like to learn X.
posted by yohko at 1:37 PM on November 13, 2015
In most cases like this I'd suggest to go for it, nothing ventured nothing gained, etc. But I think in your case you'd be a whole lot better off if you just forgot about this guy. The reason I'm saying this is because you met him once and you're already thinking about how you'd miss your family and friends if you moved to where he lives.
Going from meeting someone once to mentally planning your move and subsequent sadness seems like you're not thinking about this very clearly.
posted by kinetic at 2:42 PM on November 13, 2015
Going from meeting someone once to mentally planning your move and subsequent sadness seems like you're not thinking about this very clearly.
posted by kinetic at 2:42 PM on November 13, 2015
Mod note: One comment deleted. Hey Kat Dubs, AskMe isn't for back and forth discussion, just let folks answer and mark the ones you find most useful.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 3:32 PM on November 13, 2015
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 3:32 PM on November 13, 2015
I think it's smart to not want to just have an online romance with this guy. I think you should make concrete plans to see each other and spend time together for an extended period to see if you get along as well "in real life" as you do online, or yeah, probably just drop it. If you get along great online, it could definitely transfer in person, but not necessarily. I wouldn't let it turn into something where you fall for the idea of him online when you don't truly know him that well. If you guys are willing to see each other in person and try to figure it out, do it. As for inviting him to stay with you, I would consider asking your mutual friend what she thinks as she seems to know him a bit better. That's one possible. A hotel or staying with a friend he knows or AirBnb is certainly another. But if it's going to turn into an online-only thing, I would cut your losses.
edit: I see one of your replies -- you can't let the idea of someone "snapping him up" dictate your thinking here. He isn't the last vacuum on sale at Target. If it's meant to be, it will be and if you two have exceptional chemistry, it won't matter who comes along. It's not a race to get to him first.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:34 PM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
edit: I see one of your replies -- you can't let the idea of someone "snapping him up" dictate your thinking here. He isn't the last vacuum on sale at Target. If it's meant to be, it will be and if you two have exceptional chemistry, it won't matter who comes along. It's not a race to get to him first.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:34 PM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Etrigan at 10:04 AM on November 13, 2015 [13 favorites]