Very upset after contact with abusive family members

November 11, 2015 6:39 AM

Usually I am on cloud nine as to how great my life turned out despite childhood abuse and how thankful I am, but this week I suffered a setback and I wonder how to get over this. How do you get back to enjoying your current day life after a huge nasty abuse cloud from the past has come over you?

I experienced punishments as a child that would be seen as abuse today. It caused me VERY significant pain as a young adult and it formed my life in a way that is until this day very very painful to think about. Through my life I have been a scapegoat and much of my family (one person in particular) has made up their own version of my life where I am a horrible, spoiled person who doesn't care about anyone else, and they've manipulatively spread that about me.

SOMEHOW I managed to get my life together and I enjoy a loving happy family of my own and stability. I have a great partner and we are expecting our next child. This week I found out about a psychological violent act, directed at me, which has some impact on my family now (small in the grand scheme of things, but HUGE to me) was a big loss for me, there was some gaslighting from one family member, severe boundary pushing by the gossipy family member mentioned above. I'm sorry I can't be more specific.

I am already all but estranged and until now I have been okay and the distance has been enough. But this experience has just really caused such a depressing cloud to come over my daily life. I am expecting a new baby, I LOVE my life, I am far away from all these people and safe. I want to go back to the cloud 9 I was on before, or at least relax and be able to put this in perspective... I journal about it and feel I make a little progress but these intrusive thoughts about how angry I am how these people have lied to me, and about me, and how I feel so disrespected over the years, and bullied and and and.

I have been in therapy and made great progress, and I have an appointment with my therapist in a few days, my husband has been a great support. We've circled the wagons as a family and nobody has access to me at the moment unless I want to, and I DO NOT.

I am not really in the position to cut off the entire family and they aren't actually present in my life in any meaningful way, we live many many miles away and I like that just fine. But I am curious how people have managed to get themselves mentally back on track after a real triggering knock like this. I'm sorry I can't give more details, but I think if you take my word for it you'll possibly be able to offer advice anyway. So what do you think? Have you had a horrible childhood, been scapegoated and lived to tell the tale? Have you had a triggering moment that you were able to get over? How can I get over this?

posted by flink to Human Relations (14 answers total)

First of all, you're pregnant. You're growing a person right now. So many chemicals and emotions are swirling inside of you... Take a deep breath. This might not even be "real" to you in a few days.

Go outside. See a tree, the beach. Sit on the grass. Plant something if it isn't too cold.

Cry. Take showers. Or a bath! Take your first child somewhere special, this is your last time together "alone."

Do you give a shit about this petty bullshit after all of that? NO. No you do not care. Hug your child some more. Forget all that shit. It's in another universe.

Hey! As one mom to another that also survived an abusive family.... Why don't you just quietly do the fade now? Keep these assholes far far away from your marriage and your children. Did you see what they just did? They just made your pregnancy about them and they just stole Time and Happiness from you and your family. Block. Delete. Go silent. Make it so you can't see or hear from them. Move forward with your life. Embrace your husband and children. They can't afford this shit ever again, and neither can you.

That's what I did.
posted by jbenben at 6:54 AM on November 11, 2015 [8 favorites]

Are you me?

Honestly, building firm and safe boundaries, both physically, mentally, and emotionally, with a toxic family takes time and a LOT of training. You're essentially this little mini-adult that was raised to endure the brunt of everyone's suffering your entire life. You'll get bumps like this, and they'll seem more and more traumatic and painful as you distance yourself and become stronger. Do you know why? Because in the past you were simply numb to them, which was a coping mechanism. Now you're starting to feel happy and normal and safe and loved and these instances, which you were numb to before, are affecting you in ways they would people who weren't raised in this environment.

Recently I estranged myself from my family, going 100% no contact. It was very amazing for me at first, I felt safe and happy, and then little things happened that had to knock me off my cloud: My abusive mother lost her job, my abusive grandmother died, etc. They've all knocked me off track but my therapist, my supportive friends, and hell, even my boss, have helped me through them simply by grounding me and reminding me that my past doesn't have to affect my present.

I wonder why you can't go no contact if they aren't present in any meaningful way? Blocking my family from contacting me (via phone, mail, etc.) has been the best solution for me mentally and emotionally. I felt awful but I had to block my half-sister as well, because her simply relaying news about my family and begging me into keeping in touch would be enough to knock me into a spiral of memories, anxiety, and self-loathing that would ultimately find me crumpled on my therapist's couch. However, it will take time, but the longer you stay away and the longer you experience a happy, secure, and stable life, the less these people will affect you in the future. Also stay in therapy.

I am sorry you're going through this. You're doing an amazing job.
posted by Young Kullervo at 7:06 AM on November 11, 2015 [3 favorites]

I think it is understandably very upsetting to find out how much someone in your family of origin is willing to hurt you. To realize that they don't care if you are hurt, or they rationalize that you 'deserve' to be hurt. That's deeply disturbing. It's not surprising that your peace of mind is totally perturbed right now.

Some minor conflicts (with friends and strangers) if they are heavily hostile take me about 16 hours or so to process and wind down from. And maybe three days to stop the incidents from popping back up in my brain frequently.

You may feel an undercurrent of extra worry because the birth of a baby is an occasion that will prompt your not quite completely estranged family to make contact with you. Childbirth is pretty hard and I think American expectations about baby visits do not make enough allowance for the need of the birthing couple to recover. We had a pretty strict (unstated) policy of "only grandparents" the first two days and after that, we really only wanted to see visitors who brought us food. (Yeah, I sound totally selfish, but sometimes 'being selfish' is a survival skill. I hope you too can have boundaries without being overwhelmed with guilt. And I know it's hard to get parental voices in your head to stop pestering you with the same tired arguments.) (If you'd rather be a 'better person' than me and not be as self-centered as I am, that's okay, too.)
posted by puddledork at 7:10 AM on November 11, 2015

Oops. Missed the last part of your question....

I don't know what "not in a position to entirely cut them off" means to you, but I do know that's a giant canard you're swallowing and 1000% part of the dysfunctional dynamic.

The only thing between you and freedom from present and future abuse is a decision only you can make. Nothing they have to offer is worth what you and your children stand to lose or suffer.

Get legal advice if the entanglements are financial or contractual. You have young innocent people to care for and you can not afford to expose them or yourself to this trauma any longer. It's your job to keep your children safe. People who hurt their mother, hurt them. This logic is simple, and sound.

To answer your question directly, I think people survive (thrive!!) by turning their attention away from hurtful people and situations. If you are engaging with them, they are hurting you and your family. Put your attention on your husband, children, and on yourself. Let these others and their drama fall away. Focus on what is important and grow that. Your children deserve no less, you deserve a good space to thrive, too.

Hope that is clear and is helpful. I'm not making up what I say, I've done it. I don't think emotionally successful folks remain in contact with their childhood abusers. Especially if the abuse is ongoing, and or you have your own children to protect now. If you are focusing on your family, you won't have time for them. So that's that. It begins and ends with your children, keep your focus on your children.
posted by jbenben at 7:22 AM on November 11, 2015 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you everyone, I am rereading and rereading.... I am not afraid to go no contact, but the slow fade/ghosting is much easier and less stressful for me, especially in my current state. But I am very physically distant and not on social media so this kind of upset is very rare . You could almost describe it as soft estrangement, there are no visits, hasn't been for years, no phone calls, no meeting my family. Just email to an address that doesn't notify my phone, which I am now off of at the moment.
posted by flink at 7:30 AM on November 11, 2015

Not really sure what to tell you. These people are toxic and dangerous, have always been toxic and dangerous, and will always be toxic and dangerous. They will not change. You cannot make them change. Their assholery/abuse is NOT YOUR FAULT. Seriously, you have zero control over them.

I'm genuinely sorry they are this way. Again, this is not your fault in any form or fashion. Its always bad when people chose to hurt you.

We do believe you; many mefites have been through similar issues.

I'd examine your expectations: What do you want from them? Are you still wishing they would love you and behave like almost decent human beings? You can't change your past, you can't change them, they won't change. they are going to continue being the gaslighting jackals they always are.

Again, I'm sorry they are this way. But they don't control or define you. I'm pretty fond of little rituals or ceremonies: Write all the bad feels down. All the hurts. And then burn those pages... let it go.

Then celebrate your life, your husband, your children. You are worth good things, you are worth love and peace.
posted by Jacen at 7:34 AM on November 11, 2015 [2 favorites]

One of the lingering affects of chronic abuse is that sometimes you'll involuntarily return to the place of abuse because it is what you are used to and sort of self-sabotage your healing process. It's sort of like an addiction in that way, your brain is wired to sort of NEED it on some level, which is fucked up and sad but it can be rewired.

Maybe delete the email address and when you feel the impulse to wonder how your family is doing, divert that need into something active, creative or constructive.

Unfortunately the harsh reality is now that you're an adult, and you are free, any pain these people cause you (short of them literally attacking you, your family, your home, or your job, etc.) is something you can control. You invite them in, it's your fault from here on out. I hated hearing that from my therapist, but it's true and it gave me the awareness of my autonomy in the matter to finally stop.
posted by Young Kullervo at 7:35 AM on November 11, 2015 [4 favorites]

I'd encourage you to go with your gut and do the slow fade, then. Still having upsets isn't something that should/could happen with no contact; the fact it did happen means it will again. Speaking from my own experience with this type of family. I was pretty badly scapegoated too. And the thing with being a scapegoat is, so long as you exist on their radar, even as a blip, you will be scapegoated. It's the dynamic they've created, there can be no other, because here's the rub – if they ever stopped scapegoating you? They would have to face all the years they did in fact scapegoat you. When you were an innocent child. There aren't many people in this world capable of scapegoating children, much less admitting and overcoming that.

Think of your kids too. I would not want people like that within a hundred-mile radius of my children.

The best way I recovered from my family was cutting them off entirely. Entirely. Zero contact. If anyone even started mentioning them (which no one does now), I interrupted to say I did not want to hear it. People who insisted on telling me how "important" it was that I "listen to my parents' love for me" (which inevitably came with poisonous lies) are no longer part of my life.

It's been over a decade now and I'm finally no longer triggered by things like the ones they used to say. The destructive voice in my head that said "you are so spoiled, you are such a liar, you're fooling everyone into thinking you're kind, you are horrible and should die" finally rings hollow. I don't hear it much any more, and that's a relatively recent development. More than ten years and several years of therapy later, eh.

Listen to your heart and leave them be.
posted by fraula at 7:39 AM on November 11, 2015 [6 favorites]

Just email to an address that doesn't notify my phone, which I am now off of at the moment.

If slowly fading away is what you feel most comfortable with, maybe you could take this one step further and have your spouse take over periodically checking that email account for you? If it isn't already an account just for your family to use, maybe you could make it one? They could pass on news you might want to know and just not let you know about nasty gossip and the like.
posted by Area Man at 7:51 AM on November 11, 2015 [2 favorites]

If you're making some sort of announcement, that's contact. That's engaging with them.

Let this last hiccup be the end. Don't go back to the email. Put your attention on people and situations that give you peace and joy. You just found out what happens when you "sneak a peak" at your former entanglements - drama, pain, distraction from the good things in your life today. If you are leaving the possibility open down the road for some reason, IDK. Maybe rethink that tactic? I'm pretty sure every time you open the door it will hurt. I suggest simply moving forward and forgetting where the door is. Mentally move on. Practically, don't check the email. Maybe change the password to something random so you can't ever check the account again. If you need to. I would have zero problem just not checking it and moving on. If you need to self-hack so you're not tempted, go ahead and do something permanent on your end. Whatever.

What these people think and do is none of your business anymore. That's the spirit of no contact.

Seek legal advice if the entanglements are finacial or contractual. You don't have to navigate this alone. Good luck. Congratulations on your new family, btw. You earned it. You have the gift of knowing how special your life with them is. Enjoy your family.
posted by jbenben at 8:11 AM on November 11, 2015

I was in a similar position in my family, and moved far away. Despite attempts to consciously address the situation, and despite therapy, I would come home after seeing one of my parents and wind up spending days in bed, knocked on my ass by the emotional impact of being re-immersed in the whole dynamic. I would also be down on myself, kicking myself for having agreed to see them and for not handling it well when things went south like they always did. In addition to all the other good things people have said, I think these bad periods are a gift in a way, especially when you are about to have kids of your own. They remind you that yes, your family dynamic was messed up and it takes more than one decision to avoid replicating it.
posted by BibiRose at 8:56 AM on November 11, 2015

My experience has been very similar to BibiRose's. These days I'd say about 99% of the time my difficult family members don't have much of an impact on me, but there's still that 1% when I get a full-force reminder of just how fucked up it all is. It hurts to have all that crap you thought you'd dealt with suddenly reappear in your life. My general life philosophy has been when in doubt, do the opposite of what my family did. So, when my family members' rage and unhappiness bubbles over in my direction I seek out opportunities to show love and joy to myself and others. (Note: I'm not suggesting being loving towards the family member. That's a waste of good joy!)

It doesn't always come easily -- sometimes I have to grit my teeth and fake it for a bit because I'm so upset -- but it reminds me that I am not them. Sometimes it's a direct response to the ugliness; I can't change the family bigots but I do whatever I can to balance them out. Other times it's doing something that makes me or my (real, chosen) family happy and recognizing that my happiness is a) important and b) defined by me, no matter how much my disruptive family members would like me to believe otherwise.
posted by atropos at 9:43 AM on November 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

Sounds to me like you have your head wrapped around this pretty sanely. It's okay for your emotions to have not quite caught up yet. What has helped me through these bumps is to let myself feel it for a day or two (maybe even three) - feel the numb, the sad, the betrayed, the worthless, the angry, all of it. Your emotions are valid! Let them have their moment. As long as I mentally know that despite the crazy people, I myself am in an okay place, then letting myself feel hurt is part of the process. Denying the pain prolongs it. After mollycoddling myself a few days, the pain ebbs naturally and I can bounce back to knowing it's not me. You're already doing the long term things, like seeing a therapist, minimizing contact, and reaching out constructively to supportive and positive people. I'm sorry you were dealt this hand, but it sounds like you have a lot to be proud of in how you're playing it.
posted by AliceBlue at 4:35 PM on November 11, 2015

I think of it as riding a wave. You have a day or two like the emotional flu, climb into bed, watch funny movies or cutthroat kitchen marathons, and eat a cheesecake. Hug your kids. Take the day off work if you can, otherwise, coast as much as you can mentally because you're emotionally concussed. Then take a deep breath and walk back into your better life. Don't power through it. Feel it, grieve it and leave it behind.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:35 AM on November 12, 2015 [4 favorites]