How to act when people talk over you?
November 7, 2015 10:56 PM Subscribe
I have recently had to share accommodation with a number of acquantancies that have known each for many years. I am pretty new but have decent 1-1 freindships with couple of them. The whole group often excluded me from conversations and talked over me. How to react?
I can be too sensitive so I am not sure if this is being too sensitive.
It's not even that they talked about things in their pasts that I couldn't relate to. They just talked about stuff that interested me and I have an opinion about. What happened was that whenever I spoke, people talked over me and pretended like I didn't say anything. It made me feel like they are not even interested in hearing my opinion and actually value other's opinions more.
I was even more hurt by two people that I considered 1-1 friends. They completely ignored me and also seemed to not care or stop talking when I said something.
My main issue is that I am not sure how to act when this happens. My gut insinct is to snap "Hey! I am talking!" but I don't want to be combative. What I did instead is just keep trying to include myself into conversation.
So what's the best way to act? Perhaps I shouldn't even attempt to hang out with them again!
I can be too sensitive so I am not sure if this is being too sensitive.
It's not even that they talked about things in their pasts that I couldn't relate to. They just talked about stuff that interested me and I have an opinion about. What happened was that whenever I spoke, people talked over me and pretended like I didn't say anything. It made me feel like they are not even interested in hearing my opinion and actually value other's opinions more.
I was even more hurt by two people that I considered 1-1 friends. They completely ignored me and also seemed to not care or stop talking when I said something.
My main issue is that I am not sure how to act when this happens. My gut insinct is to snap "Hey! I am talking!" but I don't want to be combative. What I did instead is just keep trying to include myself into conversation.
So what's the best way to act? Perhaps I shouldn't even attempt to hang out with them again!
The group dynamic is different from 1:1. Something else happens. Part of it's habit - if they know each other really well, there's probably a way of being with each other that just falls into place. It's like jump rope games with kids - there are beats you have to catch, and people who've played a particular game together for a long time know it really well. New people (especially if they're a little socially hesitant) might have a harder time jumping in, unless they're bold. Also there are probably status dynamics going on that you're not able to gloss right away.
Another thing is physical energy. It's happened that I've had low-energy days (usually when I didn't want to go out to begin with), when I haven't felt like projecting myself enough to get across. That's not a problem in a group of people who know me well (there's enough background that I'm given the time) or in a group of people who are more reserved than I'm feeling low-energy (e.g. not interrupters, etc). But, if I'm low-energy in a group of high-energy interrupters, if I don't know them well, I'm not going to get across.
I don't agree with Omnomom, I think directly asking for attention would make others feel uncomfortable, like they've failed to meet a demand, and not as inclined to receive you with spontaneous positivity.
just keep trying to include myself into conversation.
Yup, I'd go with that. Also, listen to other people when they talk - engage with and respond to what they're saying. If it's a fast-moving conversation, one-liners etc., listen for the beats and jump in.
(Also, it might be easier with a smaller group within the big group, until they get to know you better.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:33 PM on November 7, 2015 [23 favorites]
Another thing is physical energy. It's happened that I've had low-energy days (usually when I didn't want to go out to begin with), when I haven't felt like projecting myself enough to get across. That's not a problem in a group of people who know me well (there's enough background that I'm given the time) or in a group of people who are more reserved than I'm feeling low-energy (e.g. not interrupters, etc). But, if I'm low-energy in a group of high-energy interrupters, if I don't know them well, I'm not going to get across.
I don't agree with Omnomom, I think directly asking for attention would make others feel uncomfortable, like they've failed to meet a demand, and not as inclined to receive you with spontaneous positivity.
just keep trying to include myself into conversation.
Yup, I'd go with that. Also, listen to other people when they talk - engage with and respond to what they're saying. If it's a fast-moving conversation, one-liners etc., listen for the beats and jump in.
(Also, it might be easier with a smaller group within the big group, until they get to know you better.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:33 PM on November 7, 2015 [23 favorites]
(Also: if it's anything like ^^, they're probably unaware that's happening, like I very much doubt it's intentional exclusion. Hang in there, be positive, and give it time. Or, if they're really just not your kind of people, try to get to know some others who are.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:10 AM on November 8, 2015
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:10 AM on November 8, 2015
Most people are just more interested in what they have to say than what others have to say. It sucks but I'm coming to terms with it.
posted by raw sugar at 12:52 AM on November 8, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by raw sugar at 12:52 AM on November 8, 2015 [10 favorites]
Make yourself so interesting to people that they want to talk to you. Trying to enter a conversation between two other people is a risky move, because you don't always know at what level those two people are talking at - the fact that they're in a public area doesn't mean that it's not an intense, private conversation.
Demanding attention from someone who is talking to someone else is pretty rude. Consider whether you'd interrupt someone who was in the middle of a phone conversation with someone who wasn't present to join in with what they were talking about. You probably wouldn't, eh? Doing that would be quite rude, and the same principle applies when all parties are present.
And ultimately, it might just be that people don't want to talk to you about that particular thing, or at that particular time. They might just want to talk to someone else about something. It might be that you consider a given person a 1-1 friend, but that they don't consider you in the same way.
A good sign is someone seeking you out to open an conversation with you. People who do this are much more likely to be receptive to having a conversation with you. If you've had to start every conversation with Alice yourself, then it's likely that she isn't actually all that interested in talking with you. Make some friendships with people who are interested in you and what you have to say. Those are the kinds of friendships that actually work over time.
posted by Solomon at 12:57 AM on November 8, 2015
Demanding attention from someone who is talking to someone else is pretty rude. Consider whether you'd interrupt someone who was in the middle of a phone conversation with someone who wasn't present to join in with what they were talking about. You probably wouldn't, eh? Doing that would be quite rude, and the same principle applies when all parties are present.
And ultimately, it might just be that people don't want to talk to you about that particular thing, or at that particular time. They might just want to talk to someone else about something. It might be that you consider a given person a 1-1 friend, but that they don't consider you in the same way.
A good sign is someone seeking you out to open an conversation with you. People who do this are much more likely to be receptive to having a conversation with you. If you've had to start every conversation with Alice yourself, then it's likely that she isn't actually all that interested in talking with you. Make some friendships with people who are interested in you and what you have to say. Those are the kinds of friendships that actually work over time.
posted by Solomon at 12:57 AM on November 8, 2015
As much as it could hurt, I'd recommend actually sitting down with one of your 1-1 friends in a 1-1 setting and asking if this is a thing that's happening on purpose, let them know that it hurts and see where that leads. Not accusatory or anything, but see what they say away from the group and if they make more of an effort to include you. Another option is to make yourself scarce, and start developing other friendships away from these people.
I've been in exactly this situation, within the past year, and it sucks. Hopefully for you it's just some thoughtlessness and when it's brought up you'll solidify/improve a few of these friendships and get heard more often.
posted by mcrandello at 2:56 AM on November 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
I've been in exactly this situation, within the past year, and it sucks. Hopefully for you it's just some thoughtlessness and when it's brought up you'll solidify/improve a few of these friendships and get heard more often.
posted by mcrandello at 2:56 AM on November 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
What happened was that whenever I spoke, people talked over me and pretended like I didn't say anything.
Conversation in social groups is not like conversation in one-to-one exchanges or in group businesse meetings, where it is turn based. People talk over one another, people interrupt, and people have multiple conversations at once.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:04 AM on November 8, 2015 [9 favorites]
Conversation in social groups is not like conversation in one-to-one exchanges or in group businesse meetings, where it is turn based. People talk over one another, people interrupt, and people have multiple conversations at once.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:04 AM on November 8, 2015 [9 favorites]
i don't know if it's relevant here but this kind of thing varies hugely with culture. both from country to country and even between different regions and social classes. part of it may be you being new in the group dynamics, but it may also just be the way that group of people talks, and you may need to learn it.
for example, i would interrupt and "shout over" chilean friends much, much more than i would english friends. it's uncomfortable and i really need to make myself do it, but if i don't no-one will listen to me. and, as i said, while it's more pronounced from country to country, it does vary all over the place.
posted by andrewcooke at 3:36 AM on November 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
for example, i would interrupt and "shout over" chilean friends much, much more than i would english friends. it's uncomfortable and i really need to make myself do it, but if i don't no-one will listen to me. and, as i said, while it's more pronounced from country to country, it does vary all over the place.
posted by andrewcooke at 3:36 AM on November 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'd agree that it's a group dynamic thing, and also that there could be an element of culture to it. I come from a family that talks very fast, pretty loudly, and with zero pauses between statements. I am totally used to it, and as such I tend to interject (I think the term might also be interrupt) a lot. I don't mean anything by it, and I do try to be aware (especially because I don't actually want to be interrupting people), but I'm also used to not being able to say anything unless I just kind of start talking and don't stop.
My girlfriend, on the other hand, is not like that, and gets really flustered around my family, because it's objectively pretty exhausting.
All of this is to say that these people are probably so used to their own group dynamic that they're totally unaware that this is something that might bother you. That doesn't mean they shouldn't be aware, but this can definitely happen in well-established groups.
And it's also worth noting that within that group, there could very well be people who don't get to say what they'd like to say, or who have to repeat themselves a bunch of times for it to be heard. It's definitely like that with my family and with some of my friends - and as frustrating as that can be for me, I've been around it long enough to know what it means, and when or when not to take offense. My girlfriend, on the other hand, doesn't know them well enough to be able to intuit any of that, and so everyone seems kind of jerky.
This is just my own take on it. To me, it sounds like the big thing is that you're coming into this group that has its own social rules, and those can be completely invisible to you until you get to know the group - not just people in it, but all of them as a unit - a little better. You're not obligated to do that, but if you stay friends with these individuals, you may get to know everyone better over time anyway.
posted by teponaztli at 3:53 AM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
My girlfriend, on the other hand, is not like that, and gets really flustered around my family, because it's objectively pretty exhausting.
All of this is to say that these people are probably so used to their own group dynamic that they're totally unaware that this is something that might bother you. That doesn't mean they shouldn't be aware, but this can definitely happen in well-established groups.
And it's also worth noting that within that group, there could very well be people who don't get to say what they'd like to say, or who have to repeat themselves a bunch of times for it to be heard. It's definitely like that with my family and with some of my friends - and as frustrating as that can be for me, I've been around it long enough to know what it means, and when or when not to take offense. My girlfriend, on the other hand, doesn't know them well enough to be able to intuit any of that, and so everyone seems kind of jerky.
This is just my own take on it. To me, it sounds like the big thing is that you're coming into this group that has its own social rules, and those can be completely invisible to you until you get to know the group - not just people in it, but all of them as a unit - a little better. You're not obligated to do that, but if you stay friends with these individuals, you may get to know everyone better over time anyway.
posted by teponaztli at 3:53 AM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
I agree with all the comments about culture etc, but on a literal/practical level: if you are interrupted while talking, it might work to just raise your voice slightly and continue what you are saying - that is, try to simply not let them cut in.
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 5:04 AM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 5:04 AM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
Conversation in social groups is not like conversation in one-to-one exchanges or in group businesse meetings, where it is turn based. People talk over one another, people interrupt, and people have multiple conversations at once.
Yes, this. I have a friend who doesn't do well in group conversations because she doesn't seem to realize that interruptions are par for the course. She instead wants to hold the floor until a thought is finished. The problem is her thoughts are usually rather long, with lots of natural pauses, so people are trying to help her finish thoughts, or are interjecting to add something. You can see what's happening--they're trying to be conversational, but she interprets it as rude, gets upset, and makes comments about how she's talking and interrupted. Honestly, she comes across as the rude one.
I think this is normal in a lively social group and is nothing to take personally.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:57 AM on November 8, 2015 [12 favorites]
Yes, this. I have a friend who doesn't do well in group conversations because she doesn't seem to realize that interruptions are par for the course. She instead wants to hold the floor until a thought is finished. The problem is her thoughts are usually rather long, with lots of natural pauses, so people are trying to help her finish thoughts, or are interjecting to add something. You can see what's happening--they're trying to be conversational, but she interprets it as rude, gets upset, and makes comments about how she's talking and interrupted. Honestly, she comes across as the rude one.
I think this is normal in a lively social group and is nothing to take personally.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:57 AM on November 8, 2015 [12 favorites]
(Also - sometimes there are affinities between individuals that are more powerful than their ability to be polite, in the moment. Like there might be two or three people who independently, when 1:1 with you, are one way, but when they get together in a group, find themselves buzzing together and bouncing off each other. Also usually not a conscious thing; not something to take personally imo. In that case I think maybe wait for a buzzy moment to die down and speak then. Or talk to other people who aren't locked in a groove together just at that moment.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:54 AM on November 8, 2015
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:54 AM on November 8, 2015
Along with what everyone else has said about asserting yourself, finding the rhythm, and speaking with your closer friends one-on-one to understand the dynamic more you could also try asking questions more.
As raw sugar points out, people like being paid attention. By asking more questions you're inviting that person to share and engage with you particularly, you're showing interest, and it also invites them to ask you questions back.
It can be a little deferential, but sometimes doing that for a bit at first can then make it easier for you to assert yourself and invite more inclusion later on.
posted by brookeb at 9:20 AM on November 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
As raw sugar points out, people like being paid attention. By asking more questions you're inviting that person to share and engage with you particularly, you're showing interest, and it also invites them to ask you questions back.
It can be a little deferential, but sometimes doing that for a bit at first can then make it easier for you to assert yourself and invite more inclusion later on.
posted by brookeb at 9:20 AM on November 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
If it was just one or two people that you thought were trying to be rude, that would be one thing, but if was specifically group conversations you were having trouble with, and with EVERYBODY, even people you get along with, then yeah, I'd think it's a problem with timing in group conversations.
It's kind of like jamming with a bunch of other musicians with no script... You have to wait for the beat, jump in and out again really quickly, field interjections and give attention to others in a way that makes it seem like you're about to pass the conversation on, like a ball (because you are!). If you haven't caught the flow right, the conversation will just continue on without you, like a stone sinking into a pool, rather than skipping.
It is HARD!
Some of the tips here might be more suitable:
http://lifehacker.com/a-shy-persons-guide-to-making-yourself-heard-in-a-group-1679102536
This one does go over the main irritations of group conversations http://www.succeedsocially.com/groupconversations
posted by Elysum at 9:22 AM on November 8, 2015
It's kind of like jamming with a bunch of other musicians with no script... You have to wait for the beat, jump in and out again really quickly, field interjections and give attention to others in a way that makes it seem like you're about to pass the conversation on, like a ball (because you are!). If you haven't caught the flow right, the conversation will just continue on without you, like a stone sinking into a pool, rather than skipping.
It is HARD!
Some of the tips here might be more suitable:
http://lifehacker.com/a-shy-persons-guide-to-making-yourself-heard-in-a-group-1679102536
This one does go over the main irritations of group conversations http://www.succeedsocially.com/groupconversations
posted by Elysum at 9:22 AM on November 8, 2015
Nthing everything people are saying about group conversations. Even one-to-one conversations can be difficult with people from different backgrounds. I can't even count the number of times my hubs has started to walk away in the middle of a conversation (not a fight, just talking) when I've paused for a breath and I'm all, "Where are you going? I wasn't done talking!" and he's like, "Oh, I thought you were finished." after, like, three seconds of silence, he thought I was finished. Get a bunch of people together who are good friends... they know their communication cues. You're still learning the dynamics. It takes time. The hubs and I have been together for three years and he still has times when he thinks I'm finished if I pause too long for a breath. Silly man.
If it helps, whenever I'm in a new group, and I feel the need to make my voice heard, I'll restate my unheard opinion to the person next to me or across from me, provided they're not involved in the overall conversation, beginning a new conversation between the two of us. This could either bring the rest of the group into our conversation, bring us into the rhythm of the overall conversation, or just let me express my opinion to someone who might listen and want to share. It seems to work most of the time.
posted by patheral at 9:22 AM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
If it helps, whenever I'm in a new group, and I feel the need to make my voice heard, I'll restate my unheard opinion to the person next to me or across from me, provided they're not involved in the overall conversation, beginning a new conversation between the two of us. This could either bring the rest of the group into our conversation, bring us into the rhythm of the overall conversation, or just let me express my opinion to someone who might listen and want to share. It seems to work most of the time.
posted by patheral at 9:22 AM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Group socializing is really hard when you step into a group that has a microculture of inside jokes and methods for dealing with one another
As someone whose social strength is one on one conversations, I can honestly say that unless I have a witty one liner, a single sentence thought, or someone asks me a question, I am silent. The first I interject loudly - sometimes they're not funny and I feel like an ass, but I let myself deal with it anyway. The second, I say only if after the first two or three words I am certain I have everyone's attention.
I get talked over regularly in spite of both of those things and having built deep one on one friendships with all the people around the table.
posted by thebotanyofsouls at 9:42 AM on November 8, 2015
As someone whose social strength is one on one conversations, I can honestly say that unless I have a witty one liner, a single sentence thought, or someone asks me a question, I am silent. The first I interject loudly - sometimes they're not funny and I feel like an ass, but I let myself deal with it anyway. The second, I say only if after the first two or three words I am certain I have everyone's attention.
I get talked over regularly in spite of both of those things and having built deep one on one friendships with all the people around the table.
posted by thebotanyofsouls at 9:42 AM on November 8, 2015
I've been exactly there - that's how my wife's friend circle is. Unfortunately, that's how the group dynamic works and you can't change it overnight. They aren't deliberately excluding you.
I decided to just hang back and watch the spectacle, most of the time, and I'm cool with that. Sometimes they'll all collectively decide to pay attention to me (usually when I'm the victim of some good-natured joke, ha). Sometimes they'll want my opinion on something, and I know I get about one or two sentences before the chaos drowns me out again. That's fine. If I have a concern that some harebrained thing they're planning is such a bad idea that I have to forcefully interrupt, counterintuitively they listen because it's so out of character that I do that.
What does annoy me is that they like to describe me as "quiet" as if that's a bad thing. Well, I fucking would talk if you gave me more than three words, ever. But eh, whatever.
What did NOT work was saying to my wife it bothered me and I'd like them to make more of an effort to include me. So then there would be these moments where everyone would say wait wait wait, ctmf might want to say something. [everyone stares]. No, that's even worse.
It hasn't hurt my individual relationships with anyone though. 1-1 conversations are normal, it's just the group thing is different. Over time, I've learned to interject at just the right moment if I want to, and also to be ok with just hanging out and enjoying the company without having to be the center of attention the rest of the time.
posted by ctmf at 9:43 AM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I decided to just hang back and watch the spectacle, most of the time, and I'm cool with that. Sometimes they'll all collectively decide to pay attention to me (usually when I'm the victim of some good-natured joke, ha). Sometimes they'll want my opinion on something, and I know I get about one or two sentences before the chaos drowns me out again. That's fine. If I have a concern that some harebrained thing they're planning is such a bad idea that I have to forcefully interrupt, counterintuitively they listen because it's so out of character that I do that.
What does annoy me is that they like to describe me as "quiet" as if that's a bad thing. Well, I fucking would talk if you gave me more than three words, ever. But eh, whatever.
What did NOT work was saying to my wife it bothered me and I'd like them to make more of an effort to include me. So then there would be these moments where everyone would say wait wait wait, ctmf might want to say something. [everyone stares]. No, that's even worse.
It hasn't hurt my individual relationships with anyone though. 1-1 conversations are normal, it's just the group thing is different. Over time, I've learned to interject at just the right moment if I want to, and also to be ok with just hanging out and enjoying the company without having to be the center of attention the rest of the time.
posted by ctmf at 9:43 AM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
The last person I dated hated when I interrupted him but was very passive about letting me know about it, and when I finally got what was wrong out of him I was really surprised - I had no idea I was doing it. It kind of seems ridiculous to say, because how could you not know you were cutting someone off all the time? But I didn't know. He's slow to speak and waits until he has all the information and everything, and I tend to think out loud.
So they may have no idea they're doing this, but in a group setting it's harder to figure out if that's what's happening.
One of the things that helps me be heard if I really feel like I need to be (work setting for example) is to be like "two things that come to mind" and then say two things. My theory is that people don't really like to listen, but if they know they only have to listen to two or five things, they'll stay quiet for those things and listen until the list is over.
We just don't have much focus on social skills as a society, I wouldn't take it personally. If it's not a business setting or your words aren't super important, I'd just let it go.
posted by sweetkid at 1:30 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
So they may have no idea they're doing this, but in a group setting it's harder to figure out if that's what's happening.
One of the things that helps me be heard if I really feel like I need to be (work setting for example) is to be like "two things that come to mind" and then say two things. My theory is that people don't really like to listen, but if they know they only have to listen to two or five things, they'll stay quiet for those things and listen until the list is over.
We just don't have much focus on social skills as a society, I wouldn't take it personally. If it's not a business setting or your words aren't super important, I'd just let it go.
posted by sweetkid at 1:30 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
This sucks and I'm sorry people are talking over you. There are a lot reasons why it could be happening, and most have been covered by others. Maybe this group is so used to their dynamic that the new voice gets filtered out. Maybe these topics are things they've discussed before so they're treating it like a continuation of the old conversation, and the new direction/voice isn't welcome. Maybe they're just the type who talk over and interrupt each other and that's the only way they know how to talk.
I was going to suggest something like brookeb. One way to possibly work your way into a better dynamic with them is to ask questions about topics that they are passionate about, especially if you're also really interested in those topics. Yes, it sucks to have to hold in your opinion when you're really excited to share. No, you shouldn't have to do this to be part of the conversation. But putting aside that you shouldn't have to do it, from a practical standpoint it might be a good idea to ask more and let them talk.
People love the sound of their own voices. They love talking about themselves and their interests. If you start asking more questions about these topics, they'll start to think of you as "the person who asks really good questions about economics/tech/football/whatever" and when you speak up, they'll start to listen. Sure, at first it will be their desire to answer your questions, but once your voice starts registering as part of the conversation then when you start sharing more opinions they'll be more ready to hear you. It sucks to pull back on things you're interested in, but after a month or two you'll be part of the conversation and you'll be able to share more of your thoughts.
No guarantees, but that's what I would do.
posted by Tehhund at 6:40 AM on November 9, 2015
I was going to suggest something like brookeb. One way to possibly work your way into a better dynamic with them is to ask questions about topics that they are passionate about, especially if you're also really interested in those topics. Yes, it sucks to have to hold in your opinion when you're really excited to share. No, you shouldn't have to do this to be part of the conversation. But putting aside that you shouldn't have to do it, from a practical standpoint it might be a good idea to ask more and let them talk.
People love the sound of their own voices. They love talking about themselves and their interests. If you start asking more questions about these topics, they'll start to think of you as "the person who asks really good questions about economics/tech/football/whatever" and when you speak up, they'll start to listen. Sure, at first it will be their desire to answer your questions, but once your voice starts registering as part of the conversation then when you start sharing more opinions they'll be more ready to hear you. It sucks to pull back on things you're interested in, but after a month or two you'll be part of the conversation and you'll be able to share more of your thoughts.
No guarantees, but that's what I would do.
posted by Tehhund at 6:40 AM on November 9, 2015
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And you can ask the person closest to you what's up with ignoring your input. Absolutely tell him it makes you feel crappy. If he says he never noticed, ask him to help you next time ("what were you going to say, Sabina?").
posted by Omnomnom at 11:23 PM on November 7, 2015