What's the etiquette when commenting on someone's plastic surgery?
November 7, 2015 6:20 PM Subscribe
I realize this could be a judgment call, but I'd like to know if there are any good rules when acknowledging a face lift.
I am the sort of person who will make positive observations when greeting someone, on things like a new haircut, or a cute outfit. I do this irrespective of gender. I do so when I sense the person to whom I am paying the compliment will appreciate it. I recently saw an acquaintance who has had a face lift since the last time I saw her. I almost felt like I should have said something. My impression was that she would have responded positively had I commented, but I was reluctant and felt a little out of my depth. Maybe you're supposed to acknowledge it, like a cute new haircut, or adorable skirt? And to be clear, I am not talking about reconstructive plastic surgery, I am talking about face lifts and boob jobs. My goal is to be respectful, but if it's appropriate, pay a compliment on something that someone clearly wanted to have done. I hope that makes sense.
I realize this is close to chatfilter and there may not be any right answer. Yet it's bothered me that I may have come up short, and missed an opportunity to pay a compliment to someone who would have been receptive. So here is my question: Can you safely acknowledge someone's plastic surgery? Bonus question: if you have had cosmetic plastic surgery, how do you prefer people acknowledge it? Say something? Stay quiet?
Thanks metafilter.
I am the sort of person who will make positive observations when greeting someone, on things like a new haircut, or a cute outfit. I do this irrespective of gender. I do so when I sense the person to whom I am paying the compliment will appreciate it. I recently saw an acquaintance who has had a face lift since the last time I saw her. I almost felt like I should have said something. My impression was that she would have responded positively had I commented, but I was reluctant and felt a little out of my depth. Maybe you're supposed to acknowledge it, like a cute new haircut, or adorable skirt? And to be clear, I am not talking about reconstructive plastic surgery, I am talking about face lifts and boob jobs. My goal is to be respectful, but if it's appropriate, pay a compliment on something that someone clearly wanted to have done. I hope that makes sense.
I realize this is close to chatfilter and there may not be any right answer. Yet it's bothered me that I may have come up short, and missed an opportunity to pay a compliment to someone who would have been receptive. So here is my question: Can you safely acknowledge someone's plastic surgery? Bonus question: if you have had cosmetic plastic surgery, how do you prefer people acknowledge it? Say something? Stay quiet?
Thanks metafilter.
I would approach it sideways like " oh your skin looks so smooth! You'll have to tell me your secret!" And then let them either demure or confirm the face lift. This way it doesn't put them on the spot or let them know it's obvious they had work done - just that you think they good and want to pay them a compliment.
Unless someone opens with " how do you like my new nose?" I would never directly mention plastic surgery.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 6:27 PM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Unless someone opens with " how do you like my new nose?" I would never directly mention plastic surgery.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 6:27 PM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Honestly, "You'll have to tell me your secret" will come across like you're fishing for confirmation that they've had work done. Just offer the compliment in passing ("You look great!" pretty much can't go wrong) and move on.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:29 PM on November 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:29 PM on November 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
Noooooooo.
"Friend! It's great to see you!"
Do not comment on people's appearances unless they have spinach in their teeth, serious wardrobe malfunction, a toilet paper streamer, or blood coming out of something.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:32 PM on November 7, 2015 [27 favorites]
"Friend! It's great to see you!"
Do not comment on people's appearances unless they have spinach in their teeth, serious wardrobe malfunction, a toilet paper streamer, or blood coming out of something.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:32 PM on November 7, 2015 [27 favorites]
Don't comment on someone's plastic surgery, even if you can tell they've had it and think they would be fine with acknowledging it. If you need to comment on someone's appearance after suspected surgery, just be general: "It's so great to see you! You look great today!"
That gives them an opening to mention it if they really want to talk about it, and doesn't put them on the spot if they don't.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:38 PM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
That gives them an opening to mention it if they really want to talk about it, and doesn't put them on the spot if they don't.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:38 PM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would definitely go with, "oh look at you! you look great!" or something vague but which really represents that you're being genuine (not just a generic "you look good").
posted by easter queen at 6:41 PM on November 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by easter queen at 6:41 PM on November 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
So here is my question: Can you safely acknowledge someone's plastic surgery?
No you can't. Just don't mention it.
posted by John Cohen at 6:47 PM on November 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
No you can't. Just don't mention it.
posted by John Cohen at 6:47 PM on November 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
A very natural comment suitable for many occasions is simply: You're looking great!
posted by rmmcclay at 6:56 PM on November 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by rmmcclay at 6:56 PM on November 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm sure that this varies between social circles, but in a lot of places, there's still some stigma on plastic surgery. It's not really like getting a great new haircut. There's a good chance that a person wants to look good but would be embarrassed to think that everyone realized that she (or he I guess, but usually she) had had plastic surgery in order to look good. So by acknowledging it, you may be making the person feel bad and uncomfortable. Is that your goal? If not, then I would stick to complimenting their skirt or haircut.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:29 PM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:29 PM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
"You look fantastic!" and leave it at that. That is all they want to hear.
posted by maggiemaggie at 7:58 PM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by maggiemaggie at 7:58 PM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Unless they told you they were getting a facelift then no, you should not say "hey great facelift!" When people actually WANT you to know about their plastic surgery they are usually pretty open about it.
for example, because i have told all my friends at great length, pretty much everyone i know knows that i recently had my boobs fixed, and i'm happy to have them tell me it looks great and not like the freakish prow of a galleon like it used to be. conversely, people wrongly assume i have had botox in my forehead because i have absolutely no wrinkles there, and it's frustrating when they act like it's a wink wink nudge nudge thing that i just won't admit.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:42 PM on November 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
for example, because i have told all my friends at great length, pretty much everyone i know knows that i recently had my boobs fixed, and i'm happy to have them tell me it looks great and not like the freakish prow of a galleon like it used to be. conversely, people wrongly assume i have had botox in my forehead because i have absolutely no wrinkles there, and it's frustrating when they act like it's a wink wink nudge nudge thing that i just won't admit.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:42 PM on November 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
What Lyn Never said.
Unsolicited stating of an evaluative opinion about someone's appearance is a form of interpersonal violence. Even when couched as a compliment, and even though compliments are widely considered socially acceptable, and even though many people are conditioned to accept others' unsolicited evaluative statements about things that are really none of the commenter's business, as long as it's positive. Just don't do it.
posted by wonton endangerment at 11:45 PM on November 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Unsolicited stating of an evaluative opinion about someone's appearance is a form of interpersonal violence. Even when couched as a compliment, and even though compliments are widely considered socially acceptable, and even though many people are conditioned to accept others' unsolicited evaluative statements about things that are really none of the commenter's business, as long as it's positive. Just don't do it.
posted by wonton endangerment at 11:45 PM on November 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Saying "you look well" is nice. Saying "you look better now you've had a facelift" is doubly not nice - you're pointing out that someone had a facelift, which is perhaps a thing that they might not want you to comment on and also you're kind of hinting that they didn't look as good before.
posted by Solomon at 1:11 AM on November 8, 2015
posted by Solomon at 1:11 AM on November 8, 2015
A facelift is a big decision and the recovery can be rough. I think somebody who has had a facelift would probably appreciate some sort of confirmation that she does indeed look younger, as opposed to a generic "you look great". (After all, you could be saying she looks great because you like her haircut, or just as a generic pleasantry.) I'd say, "Wow, you look fantastic! Did you change your hair, or something? It's like you took years off!" If she offers some other reason for her mysterious change in appearance, just smile and pretend like you believe her.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:07 AM on November 8, 2015
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:07 AM on November 8, 2015
A story which may seem completely irrelevant but you'll see that it addresses your question:
Kinetic's Rules of Kindness*
One of the 10,000,000 things that my mother does that drives me unreasonably insane is that when she sees anyone, she either says, "You look so great!" or "I love your hair!" Always. Without fail. My mom comments on appearance in one of these two ways.
Now, those both seem like pleasant enough things to say, except when they're coming from the She-Devil of North Jersey, they're actually code.
You look so great means you have dieted yourself into an unhealthy BMI or you're recovering from an illness and you're spindly. The only time my mother will say someone looks great is if they're extremely thin.
Coming from her, "I love your hair" means she thinks you look like shit. There are no in-betweens in her world. You're either sickly thin and therefore gorgeous or disgusting and fat. As a reference, all of my kids had "great hair" approval until my middle daughter shot up to 5'11" and weighed 110 lbs and was scouted to model for Victoria's Secret and Marc Jacobs. Then she looked great.
Every single goddamned time we have to see my mom, the kids and I will joke to prepare ourselves for whether she is going to comment on our hair or not. It's a running gag at this point, but it has made all of us hypersensitive to people commenting on our appearances.
Side Side story: I wish I was making this up but I swear it's true: when my mother-in-law was in her last weeks with cancer, my mom commented that losing all that weight looked good on her. My dear MIL lost all that weight because she was DYING from cancer, but my mom honestly thought it was a compliment to note the weight loss.
In my family when someone compliments our appearance, we spin ourselves into CrazyLand with, "What was so wrong with me the last time I saw you?"
This has trained us to never comment on anyone's appearance.* "So great to see you! How's it going?!" is what we say to people. We don't mention their appearance because for all you know, you're talking to someone with seriously unresolved mother issues like me and they'll misinterpret your kindness (I'm kind of joking here but not really).
*The only allowable breaking of Kinetic's Rule of Kindness is if they have an ass kicking new hair style, in which case you pin them down and DEMAND they tell you where they got it because all protocol goes out the window when someone finds an amazing stylist.
posted by kinetic at 3:42 AM on November 8, 2015 [11 favorites]
Kinetic's Rules of Kindness*
One of the 10,000,000 things that my mother does that drives me unreasonably insane is that when she sees anyone, she either says, "You look so great!" or "I love your hair!" Always. Without fail. My mom comments on appearance in one of these two ways.
Now, those both seem like pleasant enough things to say, except when they're coming from the She-Devil of North Jersey, they're actually code.
You look so great means you have dieted yourself into an unhealthy BMI or you're recovering from an illness and you're spindly. The only time my mother will say someone looks great is if they're extremely thin.
Coming from her, "I love your hair" means she thinks you look like shit. There are no in-betweens in her world. You're either sickly thin and therefore gorgeous or disgusting and fat. As a reference, all of my kids had "great hair" approval until my middle daughter shot up to 5'11" and weighed 110 lbs and was scouted to model for Victoria's Secret and Marc Jacobs. Then she looked great.
Every single goddamned time we have to see my mom, the kids and I will joke to prepare ourselves for whether she is going to comment on our hair or not. It's a running gag at this point, but it has made all of us hypersensitive to people commenting on our appearances.
Side Side story: I wish I was making this up but I swear it's true: when my mother-in-law was in her last weeks with cancer, my mom commented that losing all that weight looked good on her. My dear MIL lost all that weight because she was DYING from cancer, but my mom honestly thought it was a compliment to note the weight loss.
In my family when someone compliments our appearance, we spin ourselves into CrazyLand with, "What was so wrong with me the last time I saw you?"
This has trained us to never comment on anyone's appearance.* "So great to see you! How's it going?!" is what we say to people. We don't mention their appearance because for all you know, you're talking to someone with seriously unresolved mother issues like me and they'll misinterpret your kindness (I'm kind of joking here but not really).
*The only allowable breaking of Kinetic's Rule of Kindness is if they have an ass kicking new hair style, in which case you pin them down and DEMAND they tell you where they got it because all protocol goes out the window when someone finds an amazing stylist.
posted by kinetic at 3:42 AM on November 8, 2015 [11 favorites]
Only mention it if the other person does first.
As another firsthand example, I was born with two colors of hair – brown with a blonde streak through part of the crown. The blonde hair is totally different; dry and straight, while my brown hair is soft and curly. As a kid, people would occasionally criticize my mother (in public, in stores) for dyeing a young child's hair. As a teen, some people would sneer at me for being so openly "rebellious".
As an adult, I have heard everything. The most depressing is that people never ask, they always assume. I'm happiest with those who just say, "oh hey, your hair is cool!" or "I like your blonde", because at least they're not going, "whoa, why did you dye your hair that way?! It looks stupid!" (yes, grown adults past the age of 30 say this to my face).
I'm open about my hair because I've always loved it and have never dyed it. My blonde streak changes, getting darker in winter and bleach-blonde in summer. It makes the neatest highlights when I wear my hair up. I always use compliments on my hairdo on those days to say, "I'm so glad I was born with this blonde streak, it's cool," so that people know it's okay to remark on it and that it's natural.
If she hasn't let you know it's okay to remark on it, then please don't.
posted by fraula at 5:38 AM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
As another firsthand example, I was born with two colors of hair – brown with a blonde streak through part of the crown. The blonde hair is totally different; dry and straight, while my brown hair is soft and curly. As a kid, people would occasionally criticize my mother (in public, in stores) for dyeing a young child's hair. As a teen, some people would sneer at me for being so openly "rebellious".
As an adult, I have heard everything. The most depressing is that people never ask, they always assume. I'm happiest with those who just say, "oh hey, your hair is cool!" or "I like your blonde", because at least they're not going, "whoa, why did you dye your hair that way?! It looks stupid!" (yes, grown adults past the age of 30 say this to my face).
I'm open about my hair because I've always loved it and have never dyed it. My blonde streak changes, getting darker in winter and bleach-blonde in summer. It makes the neatest highlights when I wear my hair up. I always use compliments on my hairdo on those days to say, "I'm so glad I was born with this blonde streak, it's cool," so that people know it's okay to remark on it and that it's natural.
If she hasn't let you know it's okay to remark on it, then please don't.
posted by fraula at 5:38 AM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
Yeah, this is a social thing that women do. It's the way we come together and express our happy feelings of friendship. Though sometimes it's not. Sometimes there's other stuff that gets mixed up in there. I have a family friend who often seems to want to express this joy but finds herself at a loss and does things like compliment the old, ratty shirt I'm wearing, "I love that color on you!" Which then draws my attention to this weird stupid shirt and makes me feel self-conscious of its rattiness and my general unkemptness. She does this every time she sees me, draws attention to some part of me that I'd rather not think of. It's so weird and if I didn't know her better, I'd think she meant ill by it.
It would be better if women could stop doing this mutual appreciation dance that revolves around shallow things and pull the focus toward the relationship and things that truly matter: kindness, a sense of humor, hard work and accomplishments, compassion for difficulty. Let the other person off the hook for thinking about her own appearance.
posted by amanda at 7:03 AM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
It would be better if women could stop doing this mutual appreciation dance that revolves around shallow things and pull the focus toward the relationship and things that truly matter: kindness, a sense of humor, hard work and accomplishments, compassion for difficulty. Let the other person off the hook for thinking about her own appearance.
posted by amanda at 7:03 AM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Absolutely do not comment on someone's plastic surgery, unless they specifically mention it, in which case it is fine to pay a compliment.
And seriously, please consider stopping with the constant comments on people's appearance. If what you're trying to do is pay a compliment that someone else will appreciate, know that many of us, even if you "sense" (and seriously, how do you think you have a sense of whether someone wants you to comment on their appearance?) that they will "appreciate" it. Many people don't appreciate it. Many people are made uncomfortable by comments on their appearance. Many people wish you would stop, but can't say anything about it because we know you're just trying to be nice.
Not only can you not "safely" acknowledge someone's plastic surgery unless they bring it up, you also can't "safely" comment on someone's appearance unless they bring it up. If what you want is to make people feel better and avoid making them feel uncomfortable or bad or self-conscious, please stop making random comments about people's physicality.
posted by decathecting at 7:15 AM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
And seriously, please consider stopping with the constant comments on people's appearance. If what you're trying to do is pay a compliment that someone else will appreciate, know that many of us, even if you "sense" (and seriously, how do you think you have a sense of whether someone wants you to comment on their appearance?) that they will "appreciate" it. Many people don't appreciate it. Many people are made uncomfortable by comments on their appearance. Many people wish you would stop, but can't say anything about it because we know you're just trying to be nice.
Not only can you not "safely" acknowledge someone's plastic surgery unless they bring it up, you also can't "safely" comment on someone's appearance unless they bring it up. If what you want is to make people feel better and avoid making them feel uncomfortable or bad or self-conscious, please stop making random comments about people's physicality.
posted by decathecting at 7:15 AM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
Just generally commenting on a person's appearance reinforces that appearance is important, so I would invite you to question your premise that this is a thing that's good to do.
If you must, how about "you're looking well." It speaks to vitality and not just attractiveness.
posted by AV at 7:18 AM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you must, how about "you're looking well." It speaks to vitality and not just attractiveness.
posted by AV at 7:18 AM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Having had semi-cosmetic facial surgery, I say don't do it. My feelings on the topic are complex, but the biggest boon wasn't getting compliments, but rather stopping curious and/or negative remarks at a point in my life when I seriously couldn't take it any more. I'm actually glad a bunch of people didn't suddenly tell me how good I looked, because the changes don't completely last or always look as fresh, and I wouldn't want to feel like I had some obligation to redo the surgery now.
posted by teremala at 9:19 AM on November 8, 2015
posted by teremala at 9:19 AM on November 8, 2015
My mother's and my response to thus sort of situation is to say the person looks really well rested. Because it's true and not just a general observation but also we're only likely to notice this in someone we see every day so saying someone looks like she finally got a good night's sleep isn't weird.
posted by fiercekitten at 10:00 AM on November 8, 2015
posted by fiercekitten at 10:00 AM on November 8, 2015
I haven't had cosmetic surgery, but have had cosmetic dental work. I definitely do not want anyone to comment on it, and luckily the only person who has is my mother (this was ok -- she knew I was getting it done and that it was a big expense, so the comment was in that vein). Definitely would not want anyone further removed to make comments about it.
Obviously everyone is different, but I think the potential for awkwardness and/or offense is much greater than the lost chance of maybe making someone feel good. There's nothing wrong with saying something like "You look great today!" without commenting about the specifics. Plus, what if by some terrible chance you're wrong, and the person has used a new face cream or is wearing a push-up bra or something??
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:32 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Obviously everyone is different, but I think the potential for awkwardness and/or offense is much greater than the lost chance of maybe making someone feel good. There's nothing wrong with saying something like "You look great today!" without commenting about the specifics. Plus, what if by some terrible chance you're wrong, and the person has used a new face cream or is wearing a push-up bra or something??
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:32 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by phunniemee at 6:24 PM on November 7, 2015 [44 favorites]