Tips for online dating in the UK

November 7, 2015 4:47 AM

I'm wondering what forms of online dating are most popular in the UK. I joined OKCupid but have only gotten copy-and-paste messages from creepy dudes and I get the impression that maybe this website is not as popular here as it is in the US (though I haven't used it in the US). Have dating websites become outdated? Is everyone on Tinder? Is Tinder only used for hooking up? Any thoughts or experiences with the current online dating scene would be appreciated.
posted by poilkj to Human Relations (16 answers total)

Response by poster: London btw
posted by poilkj at 4:51 AM on November 7, 2015

I have had a very positive experience using OKCupid in London (as a dude, trying not to be creepy). You may have to ignore or filter creepy messages and be patient and proactive.
posted by fmnr at 5:16 AM on November 7, 2015

Something's changed on okcupid in London at least in the last two years since I last properly used it. It seems guys, the ones who aren't cut and pasting, aren't really sending messages any more. I've seen a few people say on their profile they don't send messages and if you're interested to message them first. Because girls get so many junk messages.

In the past, I just had to log in regularly and there'd be a couple of messages from interesting people every few days. I've started to be more proactive and message first, which seems to be working. But I guess the table's turned, because you send out loads of messages and only a few people reply...

This is after I created a new profile, so it's not that I've been there a long time and I'm not showing up in peoples matches.

I think a lot of people are using tinder, but I don't know if that's the kind of app I want to use. It seems too shallow for me and I need to get to know someone first.

Would love to know what others feel. All my real life single friends are single no more, so I've not got other people to share my woes with...
posted by Helga-woo at 5:20 AM on November 7, 2015

I've gotten interesting messages from a handful of literate, high match % men in London while using okcupid...in Chicago. (Not to date, but because we had things in common/profile is interesting/if you like that book you should read this book/etc.) So they're definitely out there.

If you're not getting the messages you want, you have to start sending the messages yourself. Be the online dater you want to see in the world.
posted by phunniemee at 5:51 AM on November 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

I'm currently using OKC in the US. I agree with the above posters who say you have to look for the people you want to meet, and message them.

Just delete the obvious cut-and-paste messages and move on.
posted by bunderful at 6:00 AM on November 7, 2015

I'm in London - I've used OkCupid on and off for a few years and used to get lots of dates off it, even as recently as last year. This year though, I've found people just vanishing out of conversations a lot - and I was sending a TON of messages to people who looked interesting to me because I just got boring copy/paste stuff from guys and nothing from women. Then I realised it was just too tedious and unrewarding a way to spend my spare time and sort of dialled back my participation.

I tried Tinder but had lots of people swiping but then not messaging. I tried Bumble but got basically no replies, and Guardian Soulmates is as tedious and expensive as it ever was (sorry, any Soulmates users). I've just got a sort of sad resignation that I may never kiss anyone again at this point. I don't know what it is - I assume it's at least partly me and what I'm looking for, but it does also feel like men are being much less proactive about messaging than they used to be.
posted by theseldomseenkid at 6:05 AM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

I can't speak to London specifically, as I haven't been there since 1986, but when I work with coaching clients regarding online dating, I always recommend match.com.

Why?
Well, for one, I met my wife on there.

Second, I find that when someone has to PAY for something, they tend to take it more serious, tend to value it more, and due to those two mindsets, have better luck.

I also heartily endorse phunnimee's edict of "Be the Online Dater you wish to see (or meet) in the word."

I was the guy who was sending personal messages, who was always working on crafting a better profile, and only putting up quality, in-focus, recent photos that stood out from the crowd. It paid off big time.

If a knucklehead like me can do it, anyone can do it, with time and effort.
It takes both.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 6:21 AM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm in the UK and all my friends who have had success with online dating used match.com. I am not affiliated with the site in any way and have never used it.
posted by altolinguistic at 8:47 AM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Just to answer your last question, I thought Tinder was for hook-ups too, but I know one friend who found his girlfriend on there and one friend is on there dating guys, so I think some people use it for hook-ups but some use it for dating, just like any other dating website.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:42 AM on November 7, 2015

Some of my single friends in London use Happn app and have found success on it.
posted by moiraine at 12:53 PM on November 7, 2015

Different places/cultures seem to gravitate towards different sites - here in Finland, Tinder is apparently more of an "innocent" way to meet people rather than hook up, to quote a social researcher.

In the UK, my best friend met and married an excellent match for herself at match.com - so I guess that makes it the third recommendation in this thread to try that site.
posted by infini at 1:19 PM on November 7, 2015

I'm a dude, not in London. I don't really do the messaging first thing anymore. It's a complicated mess of because this, that, because that, this, but basically, creeps have ruined it. Women get so many messages, I feel like mine will probably get lost in the noise. When I don't hear back, I can't feel confident that I can take that as a no. BUT I don't like feeling like a persistent asshole and messaging again, and I don't like feeling like I have to shotgun a hundred messages to get one back.

Tinder's approach is better, where I have some sort of indication up front that a message would be welcome. I also like using the right-swipe mechanism to say the same thing to women - even if I'm not messaging you, you're at least in I'd give it a try territory so if you're interested enough to message me first, you don't have to be afraid I'll reject or embarrass you.

I definitely see more longer-term dating interest on Tinder than strictly hookup behavior, contrary to the reputation. The majority of women's profiles (not all, of course) explicitly say they are not just looking for a hookup. (Which is kind of complicated whether to believe that or not - is it cover for their friends' benefit? but I err on the side of believing what people say.)
posted by ctmf at 1:26 PM on November 7, 2015

If I were you I would try match.com or eharmony for the reason Major Matt Mason Dickson mentioned - that people have to pay to use them and so are more engaged and serious about it. The downside of them is the the userbase is significantly smaller but in London that should still leave you with enough people to find someone you click with.

Personally I find Tinder completely useless but I think that's because I'm not good at striking up a conversation with someone unless I have some more detailed information about them. As another piece of anecdata I have one friend who met his now long-term girlfriend on Tinder
posted by neilb449 at 11:41 PM on November 7, 2015

Just coming back to say that I also know people who've met their significant others on Match and Tinder.... and OKCupid - which used to offer something in between the two. But I'm not sure that's working anymore.

I went back to OKCupid to get back into dating, I was thinking I'd use it to meet a few people and see what happens and if that didn't go anywhere I would pony up for Match. But it's been a couple of months and it's been slow and hard work, so I'm probably going to switch to Match.
posted by Helga-woo at 1:18 AM on November 8, 2015

I went to a lovely wedding yesterday. The couple met on Tinder.
posted by intensitymultiply at 6:28 AM on November 8, 2015

I think it depends on how old you are. If you're in your teens or 20s, go for tinder or something similar (they're not just for hooking up), if not though, probably stick with dating websites.
posted by Ned G at 11:16 AM on November 9, 2015