Should I get back together with my ex a third time?
November 2, 2015 8:27 AM Subscribe
Even asking the question seems ridiculous. I can't shake the feeling that it isn't a good idea. Short version: we've broken up twice because he's emotionally unavailable, but we can't stay away from each other, probably because I tend towards codependency? Complications within!
I've been impressed with the relationship advice dispensed here--so I'm giving this a shot. Help me!
We're gay men. I'm almost 35, he's 30.
We dated for almost 2 years before we moved in together. Talked about marriage. Things seemed to be going well. Started seeing a therapist together after a year of living together, mostly due to my desire for an open relationship. I realized that my desire for an open relationship had more to due with a) my general dissatisfaction with our sex life and b) feeling alone in the relationship. Therapy seemed to be helping, then he abruptly broke up with me after I initiated a talk about our relationship.
It was hard; I was devastated. He moved out quickly and then about a month later told me he made a mistake and wanted to get back together. He had gone to therapy without me. We eventually sort of reconciled, but I realize now that I was too hurt, didn't trust him, and didn't fully let him back in. We never "officially" got back together, never spent nights at each other's apartment, etc. etc.
I had surgery on my ankle during our second round, and was completely non-weight bearing for over a month. I fell down a flight of stairs and broke my hand. My mother stayed with me for a month. It was a mess of a recuperation. The plan was for him to stay with me after she left, and when that got close, I started getting really nervous. Then he revealed that he had made plans to go away to Fire Island or something with his old boss and I was going to be left alone with a dog. I still needed help and was upset. This ended up with me realizing that he still has serious emotional issues, wasn't even thinking about my needs, and so I broke up with him.
A couple of months later, he told me he took a job across the country, in Seattle, and wanted to take the dog for a weekend before then. He came over and broke down in tears, he was so afraid, etc. etc. I comforted him and then he left. That was the end of it. (I mention this more to prove that he does have emotions?)
I was planning to move to Portland in April, and I went for a visit in January, he came down and we ended up sleeping together. Then when I moved, he came down again, then we started talking more, visiting, etc. He had started going to therapy and I did see some changes in him about his emotional availability and our connection. We had talks about getting back together, and we decided that he would move in with me at the end of November.
I still can't shake a bad feeling, though about his willingness to continue to do some of the emotional labor in this relationship and frankly, haven't been getting a great sense that he's going to be there for me. It could all be fine, but I wonder if there has just been too much trauma here for a new relationship to work.
I came from codependent parents (father an alcoholic) and so am pretty aware of my tendencies there and work hard to mitigate them. His father was by all accounts emotionally abusive (he died when he was young) and he wasn't out to his family until we were dating. I've also been the only boyfriend he's ever had.
I'm really worried about his demonstrated pattern of seeking out help when he's in crisis without a good support network, and that by us getting back together, he'll stop the emotional work he's done because I'm there to do all the emotional lifting. I don't want to do that.
What say you?
I've been impressed with the relationship advice dispensed here--so I'm giving this a shot. Help me!
We're gay men. I'm almost 35, he's 30.
We dated for almost 2 years before we moved in together. Talked about marriage. Things seemed to be going well. Started seeing a therapist together after a year of living together, mostly due to my desire for an open relationship. I realized that my desire for an open relationship had more to due with a) my general dissatisfaction with our sex life and b) feeling alone in the relationship. Therapy seemed to be helping, then he abruptly broke up with me after I initiated a talk about our relationship.
It was hard; I was devastated. He moved out quickly and then about a month later told me he made a mistake and wanted to get back together. He had gone to therapy without me. We eventually sort of reconciled, but I realize now that I was too hurt, didn't trust him, and didn't fully let him back in. We never "officially" got back together, never spent nights at each other's apartment, etc. etc.
I had surgery on my ankle during our second round, and was completely non-weight bearing for over a month. I fell down a flight of stairs and broke my hand. My mother stayed with me for a month. It was a mess of a recuperation. The plan was for him to stay with me after she left, and when that got close, I started getting really nervous. Then he revealed that he had made plans to go away to Fire Island or something with his old boss and I was going to be left alone with a dog. I still needed help and was upset. This ended up with me realizing that he still has serious emotional issues, wasn't even thinking about my needs, and so I broke up with him.
A couple of months later, he told me he took a job across the country, in Seattle, and wanted to take the dog for a weekend before then. He came over and broke down in tears, he was so afraid, etc. etc. I comforted him and then he left. That was the end of it. (I mention this more to prove that he does have emotions?)
I was planning to move to Portland in April, and I went for a visit in January, he came down and we ended up sleeping together. Then when I moved, he came down again, then we started talking more, visiting, etc. He had started going to therapy and I did see some changes in him about his emotional availability and our connection. We had talks about getting back together, and we decided that he would move in with me at the end of November.
I still can't shake a bad feeling, though about his willingness to continue to do some of the emotional labor in this relationship and frankly, haven't been getting a great sense that he's going to be there for me. It could all be fine, but I wonder if there has just been too much trauma here for a new relationship to work.
I came from codependent parents (father an alcoholic) and so am pretty aware of my tendencies there and work hard to mitigate them. His father was by all accounts emotionally abusive (he died when he was young) and he wasn't out to his family until we were dating. I've also been the only boyfriend he's ever had.
I'm really worried about his demonstrated pattern of seeking out help when he's in crisis without a good support network, and that by us getting back together, he'll stop the emotional work he's done because I'm there to do all the emotional lifting. I don't want to do that.
What say you?
Moving in, at the very least, sounds like a very bad idea, given your doubts. If you were to try getting back together it seems like taking it slow on the emotional stuff would make the most sense.
But most importantly, you sound like You think this is a really bad idea. You don't provide any reasons why you want to do this, or why it'd be good for your or your relationship with him. You don't talk about the sex now being great and feeling like you're not so alone now that the two of you made this decision. If you have a therapist, it might be good to explore all of these things with them.
posted by ldthomps at 8:39 AM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
But most importantly, you sound like You think this is a really bad idea. You don't provide any reasons why you want to do this, or why it'd be good for your or your relationship with him. You don't talk about the sex now being great and feeling like you're not so alone now that the two of you made this decision. If you have a therapist, it might be good to explore all of these things with them.
posted by ldthomps at 8:39 AM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
partners who only seek help for things you've identified as issues when they're trying to keep you or get you back aren't good partners. you've tried this. it doesn't work. at the very least, there is no reason to combine dating and living together. if you really want to try dating, do it without adding him as a roommate.
posted by nadawi at 8:40 AM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 8:40 AM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
I didn't need to read anything below the fold to know the answer is no. Heck, I didn't need to read past the title. Stop loving the drama.
posted by Aranquis at 8:45 AM on November 2, 2015 [18 favorites]
posted by Aranquis at 8:45 AM on November 2, 2015 [18 favorites]
It sounds like, in the past, whenever you've had a bad feeling that he's not going to be there for you, or is unable to be what you need, it has been accurate. I'd say your self-diagnosis of being overly dependent on him is probably correct, and that is what's keeping you from properly listening to that clear voice in your head telling you that he's not going to be there for you like you need, and he probably never is.
I say probably because, yeah, there's a faint chance that he might eventually change and become the person you wish he was. But do you want to look back on your life in 50 years and see a life spent waiting for that? Or do you want to go and meet people who make you feel awesome without all this drama?
posted by greenish at 8:49 AM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
I say probably because, yeah, there's a faint chance that he might eventually change and become the person you wish he was. But do you want to look back on your life in 50 years and see a life spent waiting for that? Or do you want to go and meet people who make you feel awesome without all this drama?
posted by greenish at 8:49 AM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
No. You're addicted to each other. I have a similar background as you. I know you're aware of the tendencies to be drawn to emotionally unavailable people but that knowledge isn't enough to keep you from going back so you need to draw on the heaviness of your negative emotions from past experiences. Think of the bad and think of it until it outweighs the good. When I ditched a friend I had to accept that although he is likely the only person in the world I will ever know with the exact same sense of humour as me, I do not like the feeling I have when I interact with him otherwise. Anytime I thought of his good qualities I would 'fast forward' to how I felt after I spent time with him. Soon enough, I was no longer emotionally draw to the good. Instead I got a nice sense of relief - "I've escaped"! It's like dieting. You have to think of how awful you feel after you've eaten the bad stuff and it will outweigh the Romanticism for the tasty treat.
Hope is the killer in situations like this. There is no hope because there will be no change. Remind yourself of that.
Oh and watch this for some insight into this sort of relationship. Hopefully it's not too mawkish for you (ignore the word 'spiritual' as this is never really mentioned, only the psychological).
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 8:53 AM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Hope is the killer in situations like this. There is no hope because there will be no change. Remind yourself of that.
Oh and watch this for some insight into this sort of relationship. Hopefully it's not too mawkish for you (ignore the word 'spiritual' as this is never really mentioned, only the psychological).
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 8:53 AM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
You knew the answer before you began writing the question.
Staying apart when you haven't fully gotten over someone is really hard, codependent tendencies or not, but it's the only way to move forward. The sooner you're completely out of this relationship, the sooner you can be ready for a healthy relationship. It'll help him get his mental shit together, too. You can do this.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:59 AM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Staying apart when you haven't fully gotten over someone is really hard, codependent tendencies or not, but it's the only way to move forward. The sooner you're completely out of this relationship, the sooner you can be ready for a healthy relationship. It'll help him get his mental shit together, too. You can do this.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:59 AM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm with ihaveyourfoot. You just moved to a cool new city, for a (presumably) cool new job. The first few months in a new city are great! You join MeetUp groups, you hang out with randos, you have tons of dates cuz you're fresh meat. Then a few months in the new-city honeymoon phase wears off, and you look around for a security blanket.
Yes, it probably feels comfortable and intimate to be with someone you share all this history with, but it sounds like the history is pretty mixed. Stay friends maybe, but it sounds from the way you're framing this that you're not exactly 50-50 on whether it's a good idea.
posted by Tenzing_Norgay at 9:00 AM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yes, it probably feels comfortable and intimate to be with someone you share all this history with, but it sounds like the history is pretty mixed. Stay friends maybe, but it sounds from the way you're framing this that you're not exactly 50-50 on whether it's a good idea.
posted by Tenzing_Norgay at 9:00 AM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
To me, someone making plans to go away to Fire Island when they'd agreed to care for me after surgery, without checking in with me first to brainstorm ways to make sure I'd have other help when they were away would make them a nope as a serious partner.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:11 AM on November 2, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:11 AM on November 2, 2015 [14 favorites]
I'm really worried about his demonstrated pattern of seeking out help when he's in crisis without a good support network, and that by us getting back together, he'll stop the emotional work he's done because I'm there to do all the emotional lifting.
You are very smart. Keep telling yourself how awesome you are for figuring this out. This is why it will never work. He only needs you when he needs you. He's shown you this over and over. Look for someone who cherishes you ALL the time, not just when it benefits him.
posted by the webmistress at 9:14 AM on November 2, 2015 [24 favorites]
You are very smart. Keep telling yourself how awesome you are for figuring this out. This is why it will never work. He only needs you when he needs you. He's shown you this over and over. Look for someone who cherishes you ALL the time, not just when it benefits him.
posted by the webmistress at 9:14 AM on November 2, 2015 [24 favorites]
No no no no...
BTW, partners need both emotions and empathy. His outburst may demonstrate he is capable of emotions, but I'm not seeing anything that shows empathy.
Nope.
posted by 26.2 at 9:15 AM on November 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
BTW, partners need both emotions and empathy. His outburst may demonstrate he is capable of emotions, but I'm not seeing anything that shows empathy.
Nope.
posted by 26.2 at 9:15 AM on November 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
No. Even if he gets "fixed", he's ruined for you forever. Be done with it.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:16 AM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 9:16 AM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
I can't shake the feeling that it isn't a good idea.
It's an AskMe standby, and in this case it's true: listen to your gut on this one.
You deserve to be with someone that cares about you, is there for you when you need them, and - maybe most critically for your mental health - that you know will be there for you. Putting more time into a relationship that has already failed twice is critical time taken away from being out there, finding a real partner.
posted by ryanshepard at 9:30 AM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's an AskMe standby, and in this case it's true: listen to your gut on this one.
You deserve to be with someone that cares about you, is there for you when you need them, and - maybe most critically for your mental health - that you know will be there for you. Putting more time into a relationship that has already failed twice is critical time taken away from being out there, finding a real partner.
posted by ryanshepard at 9:30 AM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
There's a reason you don't trust him-- because he has not shown himself to be worthy of your trust. If you move in together again, you'll be waiting for him to flake again. This is a waste of time. You need to be looking for someone new.
posted by tuesdayschild at 9:57 AM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by tuesdayschild at 9:57 AM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's completely understandable that you're ambivalent about getting back together with him. That is, I get why part of you wants to be with him. You may be wondering, "If it's a bad idea, why am I of two minds?" You have an unreasonable hope that it would be different if you tried again. It makes no sense -- but it's natural to avoid giving up hope. Sure, he has emotions. But you can absolutely trust him to let you down again. Plunge yourself into the reality that your hope is unwarranted, and keep reminding yourself. It'll hurt, but you're going to have to give up eventually anyway. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.
posted by wryly at 10:00 AM on November 2, 2015
posted by wryly at 10:00 AM on November 2, 2015
Nope. You and I are almost the same age, and this guy is just not not not not not not not worth your time. Every time you have needed him, he's bailed. I'd suggest the only way you even consider getting back together with him is if you see at least two years of solid improvement on a friendship level only. This also means no sex (yeah, I know, ex-sex is super easy and super convenient and everyone knows everyone's buttons).
Your relationship has already ended twice for the same reason. It's pretty likely it'll end a third time for the exact same reason unless he has really, 180 degrees, changed--and you have seen the evidence yourself.
Sorry :(
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:13 AM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Your relationship has already ended twice for the same reason. It's pretty likely it'll end a third time for the exact same reason unless he has really, 180 degrees, changed--and you have seen the evidence yourself.
Sorry :(
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:13 AM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Voice of the opposition. You have a classic pursuer-distancer dynamic mixed in with some trauma from difficult families, and also being gay men in a world that hated gays when you were growing up. Holy feelings. What you're describing is a super common emotional dynamic -- google "pursuer-distancer dynamic" and read all the articles -- although it does need to be fixed in order for a relationship to work. What matters is if you love each other. (Sorry, pedantic naysaying DTMFA crowd.) That said, the dynamic it's one of the biggest predictors of divorce if not fixed.
I'd look for a therapist, for yourself at first, who does Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Counterintuitively, the way to break the dynamic is typically for the pursuer (you) to stop pursuing. The distancer also needs to eventually be convinced to, awkwardly for them, set up regular time for closeness, relationship talks, etc (whatever you need) so that you feel deeply less needy in the interim. He might not like it, fearing that it'll feed the fire of your neediness, but actually it will do the opposite. But the pursuer goes first by backing off. Trust him and stop doing the emotional heavy lifting. If he distances, let him go and trust him to come back.
He fears engulfment.
You fear abandonment.
It's a very typical dynamic. It can be fixed.
In the Fire Island incident, he probably sensed your neediness and distrust, and reacted.
You're likely to be most attractive to him when you're independent and put the majority of your energy into your own life. Could be good for you anyway / just what you need.
I wouldn't throw out the baby with the bathwater when you are both doing something so typical.
He's probably never going to do as much emotional labor, but if you stop pursuing, you might be surprised what you get.
In response to some of the above:
"you're addicted to each other" - so what? Everyone in love is.
"hope is killer" - hope also keeps relationships going
"i didn't read below the fold" - kind of dismissive, no?
etc etc
There's nothing so easy as a hair trigger naysay DTMFA from someone on the internet. It provides a feeling of stability and control.
Maybe your gut feeling on the negative comes from the DTMFA chorus you read everywhere. Maybe the gut feeling you should listen to is the one for love.
That said, stop pursuing, focus on yourself and your life, and give it some trust and time. If he runs, try to not react and push for a relationship talk. Men are like rubber bands (you are in the typical female role here). Let him bounce back. I'd move in with him, in your shoes. Enjoy!
Read David Schnarch's books. Love/marriage is a people growing machine. It's not always easy. He's "not there for you?" He's also putting you in exactly the situation you need to grow out of codependency. He bolts when you're codependent and distrusting, and likes you when you're independent and trusting. If you love him, you have to adapt. Seems like a good match for growing you.
PS, can't tell you how many gay men I've known to have maddening on and off dynamics because of all the crap they are up against, from society to hormones to no roadmap to a culture of write-the-rules-as-we-go sexuality. Sometimes it takes false starts to get to lasting love. The one thing I like about your relationship with him is the years of consistent and mutual attention to each other.
posted by omg_parrots at 11:23 AM on November 2, 2015 [12 favorites]
I'd look for a therapist, for yourself at first, who does Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Counterintuitively, the way to break the dynamic is typically for the pursuer (you) to stop pursuing. The distancer also needs to eventually be convinced to, awkwardly for them, set up regular time for closeness, relationship talks, etc (whatever you need) so that you feel deeply less needy in the interim. He might not like it, fearing that it'll feed the fire of your neediness, but actually it will do the opposite. But the pursuer goes first by backing off. Trust him and stop doing the emotional heavy lifting. If he distances, let him go and trust him to come back.
He fears engulfment.
You fear abandonment.
It's a very typical dynamic. It can be fixed.
In the Fire Island incident, he probably sensed your neediness and distrust, and reacted.
You're likely to be most attractive to him when you're independent and put the majority of your energy into your own life. Could be good for you anyway / just what you need.
I wouldn't throw out the baby with the bathwater when you are both doing something so typical.
He's probably never going to do as much emotional labor, but if you stop pursuing, you might be surprised what you get.
In response to some of the above:
"you're addicted to each other" - so what? Everyone in love is.
"hope is killer" - hope also keeps relationships going
"i didn't read below the fold" - kind of dismissive, no?
etc etc
There's nothing so easy as a hair trigger naysay DTMFA from someone on the internet. It provides a feeling of stability and control.
Maybe your gut feeling on the negative comes from the DTMFA chorus you read everywhere. Maybe the gut feeling you should listen to is the one for love.
That said, stop pursuing, focus on yourself and your life, and give it some trust and time. If he runs, try to not react and push for a relationship talk. Men are like rubber bands (you are in the typical female role here). Let him bounce back. I'd move in with him, in your shoes. Enjoy!
Read David Schnarch's books. Love/marriage is a people growing machine. It's not always easy. He's "not there for you?" He's also putting you in exactly the situation you need to grow out of codependency. He bolts when you're codependent and distrusting, and likes you when you're independent and trusting. If you love him, you have to adapt. Seems like a good match for growing you.
PS, can't tell you how many gay men I've known to have maddening on and off dynamics because of all the crap they are up against, from society to hormones to no roadmap to a culture of write-the-rules-as-we-go sexuality. Sometimes it takes false starts to get to lasting love. The one thing I like about your relationship with him is the years of consistent and mutual attention to each other.
posted by omg_parrots at 11:23 AM on November 2, 2015 [12 favorites]
You want a partner. It does not have to be this partner.
posted by danceswithlight at 11:49 AM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by danceswithlight at 11:49 AM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think you've given this relationship more than enough effort and chances. Stop going back to this well and find someone who better fits your needs and wants. It's hard, but there's nothing left here for you except for more disappointment. Sometimes you can feel love and connection for people who aren't good partner material. It happens. It's OK to walk away when it does. Get him off the runway so that someone who can be a great partner can land.
posted by quince at 12:09 PM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by quince at 12:09 PM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm really worried about his demonstrated pattern of seeking out help when he's in crisis without a good support network, and that by us getting back together, he'll stop the emotional work he's done because I'm there to do all the emotional lifting. I don't want to do that.
So, maybe there's a third path here. Maybe you don't Get Back Together right now. Maybe you just start considering the idea that you could, right now, and you leave the decision about actually doing it for later. You see if he keeps improving. You see how you both feel in six months, or a year. I want to echo the bit from omg_parrots about the fact that you basically just aren't either of you coming from a place with good models of how this dynamic should be. You have to feel it out as you go. If it feels really wrong, you stop. If you really want to date other people, that's fine!
But I'm a queer woman who is some distance into patching things up with someone who has been my on-again-off-again for awhile, and realizing how many of our younger problems had to do with a bad combination of mutual mental health issues, and also that we have no idea what "us" looks like at this point. It doesn't look like two twenty-somethings getting married and having kids and posting lots of pictures on Instagram. But I think what we've started to figure out is that neither of us is particularly interested in a future with anybody else. That doesn't mean we're always content with how things are. Things are never going to be perfect. It might still not work out, but having some sad/stressful times is no longer our definition for what "not working out" looks and feels like.
If you find yourself wanting a relationship with someone else, I'm not saying it's worth trying to make this work instead of that. And I agree that moving in together at this stage might be rushing. But somehow, I guess, my life got simpler when I realized that the being separated was worse than the being together. We did start out something that could be called codependent, but in the past year we've been really good for each other again. But we still aren't officially "together" by most standards. I still don't know what this will look like in five years. But right now, it looks like what it should look like. Trying to draw firm lines about "is this or isn't this" didn't work well. For us. I'm not saying you guys should do one or the other, but maybe just let it flow, don't force it. See what happens. At first I felt, at about your age, that I needed to rush or I was going to be Forever Alone if this didn't work out. But that's not how it works. If I end up looking again at forty, I end up looking again at forty.
posted by Sequence at 12:11 PM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
So, maybe there's a third path here. Maybe you don't Get Back Together right now. Maybe you just start considering the idea that you could, right now, and you leave the decision about actually doing it for later. You see if he keeps improving. You see how you both feel in six months, or a year. I want to echo the bit from omg_parrots about the fact that you basically just aren't either of you coming from a place with good models of how this dynamic should be. You have to feel it out as you go. If it feels really wrong, you stop. If you really want to date other people, that's fine!
But I'm a queer woman who is some distance into patching things up with someone who has been my on-again-off-again for awhile, and realizing how many of our younger problems had to do with a bad combination of mutual mental health issues, and also that we have no idea what "us" looks like at this point. It doesn't look like two twenty-somethings getting married and having kids and posting lots of pictures on Instagram. But I think what we've started to figure out is that neither of us is particularly interested in a future with anybody else. That doesn't mean we're always content with how things are. Things are never going to be perfect. It might still not work out, but having some sad/stressful times is no longer our definition for what "not working out" looks and feels like.
If you find yourself wanting a relationship with someone else, I'm not saying it's worth trying to make this work instead of that. And I agree that moving in together at this stage might be rushing. But somehow, I guess, my life got simpler when I realized that the being separated was worse than the being together. We did start out something that could be called codependent, but in the past year we've been really good for each other again. But we still aren't officially "together" by most standards. I still don't know what this will look like in five years. But right now, it looks like what it should look like. Trying to draw firm lines about "is this or isn't this" didn't work well. For us. I'm not saying you guys should do one or the other, but maybe just let it flow, don't force it. See what happens. At first I felt, at about your age, that I needed to rush or I was going to be Forever Alone if this didn't work out. But that's not how it works. If I end up looking again at forty, I end up looking again at forty.
posted by Sequence at 12:11 PM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Two things to think about:
* Getting back together is something you do with someone if you think it's part of cultivating the life you hope to create
* The past is a useful but limited guide to the future
If you want to try again, I'd say you should decide what's going to make the difference between it turning out like it has before and how you'd like it to turn out. That could be some new understanding both you and he bring to the table, or it could be a commitment to some more productive behaviors.
posted by namespan at 12:43 PM on November 2, 2015
* Getting back together is something you do with someone if you think it's part of cultivating the life you hope to create
* The past is a useful but limited guide to the future
If you want to try again, I'd say you should decide what's going to make the difference between it turning out like it has before and how you'd like it to turn out. That could be some new understanding both you and he bring to the table, or it could be a commitment to some more productive behaviors.
posted by namespan at 12:43 PM on November 2, 2015
He revealed that he had made plans to go away to Fire Island or something with his old boss and I was going to be left alone with a dog. I still needed help and was upset.
and
He came over and broke down in tears, he was so afraid, etc. etc.
He's there when HE needs YOU, but not when you need him. You've put up with this in the past because you come from a home where codependency was the norm.
I still can't shake a bad feeling, though about his willingness to continue to do some of the emotional labor in this relationship.
You already know the answer to this question.
posted by Brittanie at 12:48 PM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
and
He came over and broke down in tears, he was so afraid, etc. etc.
He's there when HE needs YOU, but not when you need him. You've put up with this in the past because you come from a home where codependency was the norm.
I still can't shake a bad feeling, though about his willingness to continue to do some of the emotional labor in this relationship.
You already know the answer to this question.
posted by Brittanie at 12:48 PM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also came here to say that you already know the answer to this question.
posted by a strong female character at 12:55 PM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by a strong female character at 12:55 PM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would have said "Possibly" if he had helped you when you were injured and you really, really loved him. But he wasn't there for you, very recently, when you needed him in a concrete and undeniable way. I say no.
posted by 3491again at 12:56 PM on November 2, 2015
posted by 3491again at 12:56 PM on November 2, 2015
I'm really worried about his demonstrated pattern of seeking out help when he's in crisis without a good support network, and that by us getting back together, he'll stop the emotional work he's done because I'm there to do all the emotional lifting.
Reading this, i see not only this, but that even if he does get better at this stuff you'll have been the one to work with him/push him through years of getting better at it in anguish.
Whoever he dates next, when you eventually burn out, will get the new and improved at least somewhat better at this version of him and never know. You, however, will live through all the crappiness.
Maybe i'm super cynical, but i've seen that play out way too many times. Wherein the unavailable acting crappy partner finally Gets Learned at least to some extent and then moves on. You fix his wing, and he flaps away. It's cliche, but people like this tend to leave once they're no longer dependent on the partner they were using as a crutch.
posted by emptythought at 12:57 PM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Reading this, i see not only this, but that even if he does get better at this stuff you'll have been the one to work with him/push him through years of getting better at it in anguish.
Whoever he dates next, when you eventually burn out, will get the new and improved at least somewhat better at this version of him and never know. You, however, will live through all the crappiness.
Maybe i'm super cynical, but i've seen that play out way too many times. Wherein the unavailable acting crappy partner finally Gets Learned at least to some extent and then moves on. You fix his wing, and he flaps away. It's cliche, but people like this tend to leave once they're no longer dependent on the partner they were using as a crutch.
posted by emptythought at 12:57 PM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: we can't stay away from each other, probably because I tend towards codependency?
I know you feel like this is true, but it's not. You can stay away from him.
I recently 'broke up' with my best friend because I realised we were bad for each other. We also 'couldn't' stay away from each other so it was intense and intoxicating and intimate in a way that felt so much like love that it was hard to let go. Like your Fire Island thing, my last straw was when my friend disappointed me, again, when I most needed him to show me care and affection. It was something we had talked about several times before but at crunch time, he deliberately, but maybe not consciously, withheld the affection he knew I wanted and needed. And I reacted in a crying mess, like I had several times before. Ugh. These reactions, both his and mine, I realised, were unhealthy. In my parting dramatic email, I told him we were both broken but in complementary ways.
It was both liberating and shocking for me to read up and find that I am classic codependent. This dynamic is not your proof of a special bond. It's just typical codependent behaviour. My friend is a recovering addict. I never thought it had much bearing on our friendship but to people who knew better, they could probably spot it from a mile away.
Maybe this will be familiar to you but I was very torn because I was irresistibly drawn to my friend and had convinced myself that he has qualities that I'll never find in anyone else. But the former is the brokeness and the latter just isn't true; lots of people are hilarious and smart and like the same stuff as me. And part of me worried 'what if he needs me and I'm not there?" Like your guy, mine spent all his time with me and didn't have others he could call on for really big/personal stuff. I remind myself that he will be okay and it's not my job to look after him. Being the special one he relies on feel good but it is, again, bad for both of you.
Sometimes you leave because it's not good for either of you. Not because he is a bad person or you don't love each other. Until you both do a lot more work, he will likely continue to pull away, disappoint, and not reciprocate all the too-much comfort and care and affection you 'selflessly' give him. That's bad for both of you.
If you say no to him this last time, you will be okay. It will hurt but that will pass. Then you will be okay and probably, not too far into the fture, be happy that you did it.
posted by stellathon at 1:17 PM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
I know you feel like this is true, but it's not. You can stay away from him.
I recently 'broke up' with my best friend because I realised we were bad for each other. We also 'couldn't' stay away from each other so it was intense and intoxicating and intimate in a way that felt so much like love that it was hard to let go. Like your Fire Island thing, my last straw was when my friend disappointed me, again, when I most needed him to show me care and affection. It was something we had talked about several times before but at crunch time, he deliberately, but maybe not consciously, withheld the affection he knew I wanted and needed. And I reacted in a crying mess, like I had several times before. Ugh. These reactions, both his and mine, I realised, were unhealthy. In my parting dramatic email, I told him we were both broken but in complementary ways.
It was both liberating and shocking for me to read up and find that I am classic codependent. This dynamic is not your proof of a special bond. It's just typical codependent behaviour. My friend is a recovering addict. I never thought it had much bearing on our friendship but to people who knew better, they could probably spot it from a mile away.
Maybe this will be familiar to you but I was very torn because I was irresistibly drawn to my friend and had convinced myself that he has qualities that I'll never find in anyone else. But the former is the brokeness and the latter just isn't true; lots of people are hilarious and smart and like the same stuff as me. And part of me worried 'what if he needs me and I'm not there?" Like your guy, mine spent all his time with me and didn't have others he could call on for really big/personal stuff. I remind myself that he will be okay and it's not my job to look after him. Being the special one he relies on feel good but it is, again, bad for both of you.
Sometimes you leave because it's not good for either of you. Not because he is a bad person or you don't love each other. Until you both do a lot more work, he will likely continue to pull away, disappoint, and not reciprocate all the too-much comfort and care and affection you 'selflessly' give him. That's bad for both of you.
If you say no to him this last time, you will be okay. It will hurt but that will pass. Then you will be okay and probably, not too far into the fture, be happy that you did it.
posted by stellathon at 1:17 PM on November 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Should I get back together with my ex a third time?
The answer to this question is always no.
posted by hush at 1:22 PM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
The answer to this question is always no.
posted by hush at 1:22 PM on November 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think you can feel it in your gut, where things will end up. Trust that. You really could spend 20 years together, only to wind up in the same place. You won't be doing him any favours.
posted by bonobothegreat at 4:28 PM on November 2, 2015
posted by bonobothegreat at 4:28 PM on November 2, 2015
because I'm there to do all the emotional lifting.
I feel like there is something telling about talking about emotional heavy lifting when this dude literally abandoned you to fuck off on a vacation when you needed help with actual, basic, physical lifting because you had TWO BROKEN LIMBS. I'm sorry, there isn't a better metaphor for the relationship than that. Unless maybe it's the dog, which he left for you to take care of when you literally were DOWN A HAND AND A FOOT and which he then took away for yet another weekend of fun when it was convenient? No, no, no, no. Baby, no. I'm sorry. I know the awful pull of this kind of relationship, where you're emotionally enmeshed and connected even though everything else is fucked. But abandoning you to take care of an animal when you had a broken foot and had just fallen down a flight of stairs and broke your hand is like, actual abuse and neglect territory, not just flakiness. You have my permission to break up with this guy for good.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 6:08 PM on November 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
I feel like there is something telling about talking about emotional heavy lifting when this dude literally abandoned you to fuck off on a vacation when you needed help with actual, basic, physical lifting because you had TWO BROKEN LIMBS. I'm sorry, there isn't a better metaphor for the relationship than that. Unless maybe it's the dog, which he left for you to take care of when you literally were DOWN A HAND AND A FOOT and which he then took away for yet another weekend of fun when it was convenient? No, no, no, no. Baby, no. I'm sorry. I know the awful pull of this kind of relationship, where you're emotionally enmeshed and connected even though everything else is fucked. But abandoning you to take care of an animal when you had a broken foot and had just fallen down a flight of stairs and broke your hand is like, actual abuse and neglect territory, not just flakiness. You have my permission to break up with this guy for good.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 6:08 PM on November 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
I didn't need to read anything below the fold to know the answer is no. Heck, I didn't need to read past the title.
Seconded.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:38 PM on November 2, 2015
Seconded.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:38 PM on November 2, 2015
The rule of thumb with "getting back together" is that if the reasons that you split up in the first place still exist, you shouldn't get back together. You have already demonstrated this is true. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome, etc.
posted by intensitymultiply at 10:42 PM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by intensitymultiply at 10:42 PM on November 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh yea, and upon reflection, if you want to keep the dog after the whole abandoning the dog with you while you were recuperating alone thing... You have my full permission to block his number, keep the dog, and never talk to him again no matter how many thousands of times he calls or shows up at your door.
It might not be the simplest way out, but i would feel perfectly comfortable and justified thinking and even saying to interested third parties something to the effect of "Well obviously he couldn't take care of the dog at all and was going to neglect it, since he left it with me when it was convenient even though i couldn't take care of it at the time. What a shitty fair weather dog owner amirite?"
posted by emptythought at 5:20 PM on November 3, 2015
It might not be the simplest way out, but i would feel perfectly comfortable and justified thinking and even saying to interested third parties something to the effect of "Well obviously he couldn't take care of the dog at all and was going to neglect it, since he left it with me when it was convenient even though i couldn't take care of it at the time. What a shitty fair weather dog owner amirite?"
posted by emptythought at 5:20 PM on November 3, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 8:27 AM on November 2, 2015 [28 favorites]