Letting go of (justified) anger?
October 31, 2015 1:02 AM Subscribe
Someone in my work environment screwed me over and behaved in a way that was seriously unethical. The person who was actually responsible is not someone I need to see day-to-day (luckily), but the person who benefitted from his actions is someone with whom I have a close working relationship. Assume there is no further productive point in discussing it with anyone, and no fix that can be made. Also assume I prefer not to quit my job right now. How can I best work through the anger on my own so I can behave professionally? And how can I improve my poker face while being around the coworkers in question?
I almost never get angry, but when I do, it's usually because someone has violated my (admittedly strong) beliefs about values. (To give perspective, this is only the third time I have been this angry in a twenty year career. On the other two occasions, I quit my job.)
I have already let this issue bleed too much into my voice and body language when dealing with the coworker who benefitted from my discomfit. She's acknowledged that I was treated badly, but has asked me to let it go. I agree with her that I absolutely need to let it go. But how?
Others who have been in this boat, any mental mantras? Ways you manage to control your reactions? I have reduced my alcohol intake and upped my kilometers running to try to ease my reactivity, but it isn't really a quick fix...
I have read the earlier threads which focus on anger management, but they seem more closely linked to relationship and family issues rather than work problems. Suggestions gratefully received.
I almost never get angry, but when I do, it's usually because someone has violated my (admittedly strong) beliefs about values. (To give perspective, this is only the third time I have been this angry in a twenty year career. On the other two occasions, I quit my job.)
I have already let this issue bleed too much into my voice and body language when dealing with the coworker who benefitted from my discomfit. She's acknowledged that I was treated badly, but has asked me to let it go. I agree with her that I absolutely need to let it go. But how?
Others who have been in this boat, any mental mantras? Ways you manage to control your reactions? I have reduced my alcohol intake and upped my kilometers running to try to ease my reactivity, but it isn't really a quick fix...
I have read the earlier threads which focus on anger management, but they seem more closely linked to relationship and family issues rather than work problems. Suggestions gratefully received.
Best answer: We've worked here in the past (at home!) with anger sheets.
You need: poster-size empty paper, pen, pencil, colour pens, an empty table, good light and a drink.
Write or draw literally everything that comes up in your head: names you could call these people, caricatures in a variety of styles, cries of frustration, chains of "shitshitshitshit", animals that should have eaten them, how they'll look at eighty, or after getting a beating, all that.
It's a relief to do this by hand and to spend time with it and to get it all off one's chest and on paper. Make sure to gloat over the results as long as needed, but to put them in a paper shredder later on!
posted by Namlit at 1:41 AM on October 31, 2015 [17 favorites]
You need: poster-size empty paper, pen, pencil, colour pens, an empty table, good light and a drink.
Write or draw literally everything that comes up in your head: names you could call these people, caricatures in a variety of styles, cries of frustration, chains of "shitshitshitshit", animals that should have eaten them, how they'll look at eighty, or after getting a beating, all that.
It's a relief to do this by hand and to spend time with it and to get it all off one's chest and on paper. Make sure to gloat over the results as long as needed, but to put them in a paper shredder later on!
posted by Namlit at 1:41 AM on October 31, 2015 [17 favorites]
Best answer: One time after I left a really terrible job with a bunch of psychopaths in the upper management, I spent a very enjoyable few months writing a murder mystery novel in which they were all killed and dismembered in horrible ways. By each other. It was very cathartic. Conveniently, it's NaNoWriMo starting tomorrow, so the timing couldn't be better.
posted by lollusc at 4:14 AM on October 31, 2015 [24 favorites]
posted by lollusc at 4:14 AM on October 31, 2015 [24 favorites]
Best answer: I've been in a similar situation recently. While I also have reasons not to look for another job (big chunk of options vesting in less than a year), I've found looking for another job therapeutic and empowering.
posted by bifter at 4:15 AM on October 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by bifter at 4:15 AM on October 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
I live in the same building as my in-laws and they've pulled shit that makes my head spin. I was livid for MONTHS at my MIL after her going to bed for FOUR DAYS after we told her I was going to have another baby (since miscarried).
What did I do? A lot of quiet seething. I was always polite, but I couldn't look her in the eye and I definitely couldn't have any sort of a conversation with her other than "good morning" or "good evening."
I read books; I prayed; I meditated. I told everyone and anyone who would listen my side of the tale. I got a therapist. They all said she was terrible.
After finally having a sort-of sit down with her, letting her know how I felt, I defrosted SLIGHTLY enough to move on. But that was months later. And I'm still not really recovered.
It's difficult. It's a daily thing. The anger will probably burn itself out sooner or later. My resentments are only good for about 6 months before something else comes along to distract me.
Time.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 4:42 AM on October 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
What did I do? A lot of quiet seething. I was always polite, but I couldn't look her in the eye and I definitely couldn't have any sort of a conversation with her other than "good morning" or "good evening."
I read books; I prayed; I meditated. I told everyone and anyone who would listen my side of the tale. I got a therapist. They all said she was terrible.
After finally having a sort-of sit down with her, letting her know how I felt, I defrosted SLIGHTLY enough to move on. But that was months later. And I'm still not really recovered.
It's difficult. It's a daily thing. The anger will probably burn itself out sooner or later. My resentments are only good for about 6 months before something else comes along to distract me.
Time.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 4:42 AM on October 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
you know, three times in twenty years, getting so mad you change jobs, does seem a bit much. i don't think i've ever changed jobs because i've been angry, and i think i get angry more than average.
what i do do, is make my anger clear, no matter what the hierarchy. and in my experience, if you have reasonable cause, and express yourself well, then what follows is unpleasant, but survivable, and clears the air: people are generally sympathetic; the person you are angry with turns out to have a history of this kind of thing; you find supporters in strange places; or it turns out things aren't quite what they seemed; justice in one way or another, is generally served.
i guess i am being a cheap psychiatrist here, but it seems to me that a lot of your frustration is misdirected. at the job. at the person who has benefited from this. wouldn't life be better if you went after the bad guy?
to be clear - i am not saying lose control. you absolutely have to control your emotions. but a big part of anger management is not just bottling things up, but using that bottled up energy to affect change. not by quitting your job or picking on the unexpected beneficiary, but by making life better, for you and for others. and you do that by taking the bastard on (professionally and calmly and implacably).
posted by andrewcooke at 4:43 AM on October 31, 2015 [12 favorites]
what i do do, is make my anger clear, no matter what the hierarchy. and in my experience, if you have reasonable cause, and express yourself well, then what follows is unpleasant, but survivable, and clears the air: people are generally sympathetic; the person you are angry with turns out to have a history of this kind of thing; you find supporters in strange places; or it turns out things aren't quite what they seemed; justice in one way or another, is generally served.
i guess i am being a cheap psychiatrist here, but it seems to me that a lot of your frustration is misdirected. at the job. at the person who has benefited from this. wouldn't life be better if you went after the bad guy?
to be clear - i am not saying lose control. you absolutely have to control your emotions. but a big part of anger management is not just bottling things up, but using that bottled up energy to affect change. not by quitting your job or picking on the unexpected beneficiary, but by making life better, for you and for others. and you do that by taking the bastard on (professionally and calmly and implacably).
posted by andrewcooke at 4:43 AM on October 31, 2015 [12 favorites]
I have already let this issue bleed too much into my voice and body language when dealing with the coworker who benefitted from my discomfit. She's acknowledged that I was treated badly, but has asked me to let it go. I agree with her that I absolutely need to let it go.
Well, I think telling someone to "let it go" when they have a real reason to be angry is weird. This would really bug me-- I hate being told how to react to something a third person has done and would consider the person doing it out of line.
But anyway, as I am reading your question, the main problem right now is with the impact your anger is having on this relationship. I would suggest that you concentrate on improving the relationship rather than on sort of hacking your feelings. If this person is actually blameless and just got the benefit of a third party's sleazy actions, can you work on (figuratively) showing them some love, wishing them the best and shoring up the relationship for your mutual benefit? You may have bad feelings about this person, but you don't have to act on them and you don't have to let the person who is actually responsible poison your day your day to day interactions with others. If you can come out of this with a positive working relationship with your coworker, you've won. Keep your eye on that prize.
posted by BibiRose at 5:43 AM on October 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Well, I think telling someone to "let it go" when they have a real reason to be angry is weird. This would really bug me-- I hate being told how to react to something a third person has done and would consider the person doing it out of line.
But anyway, as I am reading your question, the main problem right now is with the impact your anger is having on this relationship. I would suggest that you concentrate on improving the relationship rather than on sort of hacking your feelings. If this person is actually blameless and just got the benefit of a third party's sleazy actions, can you work on (figuratively) showing them some love, wishing them the best and shoring up the relationship for your mutual benefit? You may have bad feelings about this person, but you don't have to act on them and you don't have to let the person who is actually responsible poison your day your day to day interactions with others. If you can come out of this with a positive working relationship with your coworker, you've won. Keep your eye on that prize.
posted by BibiRose at 5:43 AM on October 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Mindfulness meditation and therapy could be helpful places to start, and writing out the letter you'd send up the chain about what happened might also be helpful. It will probably take a couple drafts to revise to the point where it doesn't sound like pure rage, but it may help to have it down on paper and stated in a way that would be taken seriously by a reader.
Your personal power has been compromised, and having a letter written in a professional tone is a way to be ready for the next time something like this happens. These things often don't happen in a vacuum, and anyone in a toxic or abusive situation could be advised to start keeping track of events as a way to exert a tiny bit of control in an otherwise uncontrollable situation. It can be a way to vent the emotional reaction, which could help put it aside so you can return your focus to work.
Since it is an issue related to your core values, it's likely not something that can just be 'let go.' Ultimately, I suggest working really hard on remaining calm at work and turning your attention to finding another job, because this sounds like a situation that risks a rage-quit after the next time you are asked to keep smiling and acting pleasant following events that don't deserve it.
I'd also suggest that you immediately stop sharing your feelings or any plans to quit with the coworker who benefited from the unethical conduct and is asking you to 'let it go.' This person is not your friend, regardless of the closeness of your working relationship. They have asked you to stop venting at them, and you should probably assume that they will report you if you don't stop sharing your feelings, particularly because they have the privileged position in this situation.
posted by Little Dawn at 7:35 AM on October 31, 2015 [10 favorites]
Your personal power has been compromised, and having a letter written in a professional tone is a way to be ready for the next time something like this happens. These things often don't happen in a vacuum, and anyone in a toxic or abusive situation could be advised to start keeping track of events as a way to exert a tiny bit of control in an otherwise uncontrollable situation. It can be a way to vent the emotional reaction, which could help put it aside so you can return your focus to work.
Since it is an issue related to your core values, it's likely not something that can just be 'let go.' Ultimately, I suggest working really hard on remaining calm at work and turning your attention to finding another job, because this sounds like a situation that risks a rage-quit after the next time you are asked to keep smiling and acting pleasant following events that don't deserve it.
I'd also suggest that you immediately stop sharing your feelings or any plans to quit with the coworker who benefited from the unethical conduct and is asking you to 'let it go.' This person is not your friend, regardless of the closeness of your working relationship. They have asked you to stop venting at them, and you should probably assume that they will report you if you don't stop sharing your feelings, particularly because they have the privileged position in this situation.
posted by Little Dawn at 7:35 AM on October 31, 2015 [10 favorites]
I think the first step is to acknowledge that anger, at times, is the appropriate response to a shitty situation. If it were easy to let go of our emotions, life would be a much easier place. I also think you can tell the person that you are working on letting things go. It's not going to disappear overnight. I also think you should be clear with yourself if your anger is a "you problem" or a "them problem" (I learned this from interior designer Jeff Lewis on his reality show- always check to see if you are taking on what is really the other person's issue- her wanting to return to the good old days and wanting you to "get over it" is on her, not you.) Is it affecting you and your ability to do your job? You say you want to work on the anger so you can behave professionally, but what parts of your behavior is not professional as a result of this anger? There is a big difference between not being chummy with a co-worker, and there is punching the wall, or getting aggressive. Putting boundaries in place between yourself and a co-worker over moral compass issues is to me about being professional. As long as you are doing your job and being respectful, you should focus on how the anger is affecting other parts of your life. I know it's cliched answer on the green, but antidepressants might be something that could give you a little distance from your anger in your work situation (I speak from experience)
posted by momochan at 7:41 AM on October 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by momochan at 7:41 AM on October 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Firstly, agreeing with momochan above about your co-worker telling you to get over it. You're in charge of your own thoughts and feelings. People don't get to tell you how to feel. To quote Will McAvoy from The Newsroom, "fuck you. You're not inside my head."
Secondly, part of your continuing feelings of anger may be from the powerlessness of not being able to direct your anger at the person who wronged you. I know I would find that frustrating. And while you can rationally know that your colleague didn't do anything to deserve you being angry at them, they are also a constant reminder that you got screwed and can't do anything about it.
So consider whether there is anyway you can visit some of your righteous anger on the person who actually screwed you over. Is it worth telling them how you feel? If they are not in a position of power over you, can you talk to someone above them about what happened? Or to HR? I'm not saying that getting revenge is an option or healthy, but just having a vector to express your anger at this person may help to assuage the feeling of powerlessness.
As for your interactions with this person and your body language and such, my best advice is to avoid them/minimize your interactions with them until seeing them is less triggering.
posted by dry white toast at 8:06 AM on October 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Secondly, part of your continuing feelings of anger may be from the powerlessness of not being able to direct your anger at the person who wronged you. I know I would find that frustrating. And while you can rationally know that your colleague didn't do anything to deserve you being angry at them, they are also a constant reminder that you got screwed and can't do anything about it.
So consider whether there is anyway you can visit some of your righteous anger on the person who actually screwed you over. Is it worth telling them how you feel? If they are not in a position of power over you, can you talk to someone above them about what happened? Or to HR? I'm not saying that getting revenge is an option or healthy, but just having a vector to express your anger at this person may help to assuage the feeling of powerlessness.
As for your interactions with this person and your body language and such, my best advice is to avoid them/minimize your interactions with them until seeing them is less triggering.
posted by dry white toast at 8:06 AM on October 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Whenever this happened to me, I always worked to get to place where I was thankful. Yes, thankful. Because I always learned my hardest lessons this way. So I would focus on "thank goodness, now I know."
So whenever you see them, repeat in your head....
Thank you for reminding me to watch out for unethical people.
Thank you for teaching me to be more proactive for myself.
Thank you for showing me your true colors, so I can be more cautious around you.
Thank you for rreminding me how much I value my own high standards, every time I see you.
Etc...
posted by raisingsand at 8:07 AM on October 31, 2015 [13 favorites]
So whenever you see them, repeat in your head....
Thank you for reminding me to watch out for unethical people.
Thank you for teaching me to be more proactive for myself.
Thank you for showing me your true colors, so I can be more cautious around you.
Thank you for rreminding me how much I value my own high standards, every time I see you.
Etc...
posted by raisingsand at 8:07 AM on October 31, 2015 [13 favorites]
She's acknowledged that I was treated badly, but has asked me to let it go. I agree with her that I absolutely need to let it go. But how?
No, fuck that. If it's preventing you from being acceptably professional, then you need to work on that, but that does not mean you need to stop being angry. How self-serving for this person! To not have to feel bad about what happened, must be nice! No, this person needs to live with what happened and the anger it generated. This person needs to get angry herself at the original asshole who put her in this awkward situation. And then she needs to realize that's how it is now and get over it her own fucking self until the two of you are able to rebuild your relationship, which she is half responsible for.
posted by ctmf at 8:54 AM on October 31, 2015 [7 favorites]
No, fuck that. If it's preventing you from being acceptably professional, then you need to work on that, but that does not mean you need to stop being angry. How self-serving for this person! To not have to feel bad about what happened, must be nice! No, this person needs to live with what happened and the anger it generated. This person needs to get angry herself at the original asshole who put her in this awkward situation. And then she needs to realize that's how it is now and get over it her own fucking self until the two of you are able to rebuild your relationship, which she is half responsible for.
posted by ctmf at 8:54 AM on October 31, 2015 [7 favorites]
The book The Cow in the Parking Lot helped me to to change the way I think about anger.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:25 AM on October 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:25 AM on October 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: No, fuck that.
Literally came here to say that. What a self serving POS. You were wronged professionally and personally. The profiteer deserves nothing from you but basic professionalism. Being quietly superior and outwardly perfectly professional is the easiest salve for moving on. The person who profited should be as dead to you as the person who did the actual wrong.
Some anger is healthy and justified to keep from being a doormat. It's a fully normal physiological reaction.
As for what to do with the extra piss and vingera you're carrying as a result? I think your two steps (less alcohol more calorie burning) is literally the best thing to be doing. Hacking your feelings instead of working through isn't the answer.
posted by chasles at 9:26 AM on October 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
Literally came here to say that. What a self serving POS. You were wronged professionally and personally. The profiteer deserves nothing from you but basic professionalism. Being quietly superior and outwardly perfectly professional is the easiest salve for moving on. The person who profited should be as dead to you as the person who did the actual wrong.
Some anger is healthy and justified to keep from being a doormat. It's a fully normal physiological reaction.
As for what to do with the extra piss and vingera you're carrying as a result? I think your two steps (less alcohol more calorie burning) is literally the best thing to be doing. Hacking your feelings instead of working through isn't the answer.
posted by chasles at 9:26 AM on October 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I am NOT requesting details, but it's pretty hard to answer a question like this without knowing exactly what happened.
If the person who benefited really wasn't culpable, and if she's acknowledged what happened was wrong, is there any way you can put yourself in her shoes? Is this affecting others' perceptions about her negatively? Is her job harder? Is she in over her head? Does she feel guilty?
Is there anything she could have done to resolve the situation? How was her request to get over it phrased? Was it dismissive, like it sounds, or was more like an apologetic plea? She has acknowledged that whatever happened was unfair to you. Has she apologized sincerely? How much does she have to apologize for personally?
Taking you at your word that you need to stay in this job for now, your well being may depend on finding some way to 'get over it' to some extent, so if there is any angle you can use just to reach minimum a point when you can work with her without seething, you will be the prime beneficiary of that.
Assuming that what happened was truly egregious and she was or is personally culpable and is dismissive about the damage it's caused you, however, you don't have to like her or trust her or think of her as a worthy, competent person.
Work relationships are not like personal ones. You don't get to choose who you associate with really, and sometimes, you end up having to tolerate some pretty fucked up stuff in exchange for a paycheck. When I've had to continue working with someone who has screwed me over or actively tried to (and I have), I've developed the ability to sort of distance myself, and think of them as just sort of suboptimal, damaged human beings, and limit both my interactions with them and thoughts about them to the way I might think about malfunctioning hardware that I can't afford to replace yet. Limit communications to the minimum necessary to do the job, watch my back around them, and--this is the hardest part--not waste my time and energy speculating about their inner life or their motivations or whatever. All I care about is making sure they don't stab me in the back (again) somehow. How they live with themselves or what becomes of them is of no import. They're in the same category as an old broken washing machine that is too noisy and doesn't drain properly. They're a pain in the ass, but someday, I'll be able to get a new one and have them hauled to the dump or the recycling center or wherever they end up after they're not my problem anymore.
(Obviously, that is stage two. Stage one, I get angry and talk all kinds of shit about them, and once, I played a whole Sims game where I put my coworkers in all kinds of humiliating situations. I made them wear lederhosen and wet their pants and cry all the time, then I built them a pool, and when they went swimming, I sold the ladder. This kills the coworker.)
Goldang, though, I am so sorry you're dealing with this. It really really sucks.
posted by ernielundquist at 10:28 AM on October 31, 2015 [15 favorites]
If the person who benefited really wasn't culpable, and if she's acknowledged what happened was wrong, is there any way you can put yourself in her shoes? Is this affecting others' perceptions about her negatively? Is her job harder? Is she in over her head? Does she feel guilty?
Is there anything she could have done to resolve the situation? How was her request to get over it phrased? Was it dismissive, like it sounds, or was more like an apologetic plea? She has acknowledged that whatever happened was unfair to you. Has she apologized sincerely? How much does she have to apologize for personally?
Taking you at your word that you need to stay in this job for now, your well being may depend on finding some way to 'get over it' to some extent, so if there is any angle you can use just to reach minimum a point when you can work with her without seething, you will be the prime beneficiary of that.
Assuming that what happened was truly egregious and she was or is personally culpable and is dismissive about the damage it's caused you, however, you don't have to like her or trust her or think of her as a worthy, competent person.
Work relationships are not like personal ones. You don't get to choose who you associate with really, and sometimes, you end up having to tolerate some pretty fucked up stuff in exchange for a paycheck. When I've had to continue working with someone who has screwed me over or actively tried to (and I have), I've developed the ability to sort of distance myself, and think of them as just sort of suboptimal, damaged human beings, and limit both my interactions with them and thoughts about them to the way I might think about malfunctioning hardware that I can't afford to replace yet. Limit communications to the minimum necessary to do the job, watch my back around them, and--this is the hardest part--not waste my time and energy speculating about their inner life or their motivations or whatever. All I care about is making sure they don't stab me in the back (again) somehow. How they live with themselves or what becomes of them is of no import. They're in the same category as an old broken washing machine that is too noisy and doesn't drain properly. They're a pain in the ass, but someday, I'll be able to get a new one and have them hauled to the dump or the recycling center or wherever they end up after they're not my problem anymore.
(Obviously, that is stage two. Stage one, I get angry and talk all kinds of shit about them, and once, I played a whole Sims game where I put my coworkers in all kinds of humiliating situations. I made them wear lederhosen and wet their pants and cry all the time, then I built them a pool, and when they went swimming, I sold the ladder. This kills the coworker.)
Goldang, though, I am so sorry you're dealing with this. It really really sucks.
posted by ernielundquist at 10:28 AM on October 31, 2015 [15 favorites]
I think that if this is as upsetting as you describe, it's probably something that will always sit in the back of your mind and you're going to have trouble truly letting it go. I also understand that you are not in a position to quit right now. But I agree that maybe at least thinking ahead and plotting your next move may help you get through it. It's kind of like, when I'm running and I want to stop, but I know I need to keep going, it's easier to get through if I think about the finish line. "I only have to get through three more songs on my iPod and then I get to go sit on the couch and eat a sandwich." For you, maybe you're going to have to be at that job for several more months, but I would think about the next step and just get through this so you can get to that next step.
I would add: it's true that the best revenge is living well. I held onto anger for one of my employers for a while. My boss treated me like crap and was a sexist dick, and then he laid me off. I was angry about it for a while. But now I'm not angry anymore because he still has his shitty job and I'm doing well. I make more money than him, my job is more prestigious, I live in a cooler city, I've made a name for myself. I don't care how he treated me anymore because I've moved past it. You should just focus on living well and setting up a plan to do that. Getting actual revenge on people just only serves to prove them right and let them win by having anger consume you. I've heard people say that getting revenge on enemies never feels as good as you think it will. In my experience, the best revenge is indeed living well.
As for the anger and not showing it, that's tough to do as long you are still angry. You may have to just accept that whatever happened happened, it can't be changed, and these people suck. If you can accept that because it's no longer a surprise, maybe you can just forge ahead and focus on biding your time until you can leave. Sometimes it helps just to know who you are dealing with -- you expected these people to share some base values of yours and they don't, so now you can adjust your expectations and feelings accordingly.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:25 PM on October 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would add: it's true that the best revenge is living well. I held onto anger for one of my employers for a while. My boss treated me like crap and was a sexist dick, and then he laid me off. I was angry about it for a while. But now I'm not angry anymore because he still has his shitty job and I'm doing well. I make more money than him, my job is more prestigious, I live in a cooler city, I've made a name for myself. I don't care how he treated me anymore because I've moved past it. You should just focus on living well and setting up a plan to do that. Getting actual revenge on people just only serves to prove them right and let them win by having anger consume you. I've heard people say that getting revenge on enemies never feels as good as you think it will. In my experience, the best revenge is indeed living well.
As for the anger and not showing it, that's tough to do as long you are still angry. You may have to just accept that whatever happened happened, it can't be changed, and these people suck. If you can accept that because it's no longer a surprise, maybe you can just forge ahead and focus on biding your time until you can leave. Sometimes it helps just to know who you are dealing with -- you expected these people to share some base values of yours and they don't, so now you can adjust your expectations and feelings accordingly.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:25 PM on October 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: An old aikido mentor of mine, Terry Dobson, told this story in this book.
The Mohawk Indians, who live not far from me in Vermont, have a tremendous feeling of anger. They believe they face real genocidal opposition on the part of whites. To deal with their feelings, they have a traditional ceremony called "Kill the Enemy." Let's say I have an enemy. Let's say it's Yamada. I choose several other people to help me, to join me in a sweat lodge. Our task will be to think of every positive attribute of Yamada. "He's tall. He's handsome. He's very strong. He's not lazy. He gets up early, blah blah blah." We do that for a set period of time, maybe a few hours. By the end of that time, since only his positive aspects have been focused upon, we've essentially killed the enemy. He's too good to be our enemy, we like him too much. We are in harmony. Pretty soon, it's impossible for me to remember Yamada was my enemy.
It's a pretty advanced technique. Requires a lot from you, to move past the question of whether your anger is justified or not.
Thank you for asking your question. It reminded me of this story and this book and it was important for me to dig out the book and to tell you this one thing about Terry, who passed away over 20 years ago, alas.
posted by jasper411 at 5:05 PM on October 31, 2015 [11 favorites]
The Mohawk Indians, who live not far from me in Vermont, have a tremendous feeling of anger. They believe they face real genocidal opposition on the part of whites. To deal with their feelings, they have a traditional ceremony called "Kill the Enemy." Let's say I have an enemy. Let's say it's Yamada. I choose several other people to help me, to join me in a sweat lodge. Our task will be to think of every positive attribute of Yamada. "He's tall. He's handsome. He's very strong. He's not lazy. He gets up early, blah blah blah." We do that for a set period of time, maybe a few hours. By the end of that time, since only his positive aspects have been focused upon, we've essentially killed the enemy. He's too good to be our enemy, we like him too much. We are in harmony. Pretty soon, it's impossible for me to remember Yamada was my enemy.
It's a pretty advanced technique. Requires a lot from you, to move past the question of whether your anger is justified or not.
Thank you for asking your question. It reminded me of this story and this book and it was important for me to dig out the book and to tell you this one thing about Terry, who passed away over 20 years ago, alas.
posted by jasper411 at 5:05 PM on October 31, 2015 [11 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for your answers. A lot of really good suggestions here--
To answer ernielundquist, I am trying very much to see this from her position. I think part of the challenge for me is that I see her as sorry-not-sorry. I believe she is genuinely horrified by *how* it was done, but I also believe she was lobbying for the eventual outcome. What happened damages her quite a bit from the point of view of our immediate hierarchy, but it remains to be seen if it will be any kind of issue for her career. I think the advice not to try to talk to her about it is good advice, and when I work with her I will try to focus on what I like about her (and there are many things) and try to minimise contact.
The best solution would obviously be to talk to the person who was responsible. I do not report to him, and he has little direct influence on me. Unfortunately he can significantly impact my immediate superiors, and I know they pushed back at him already for his actions and the outcomes were not good. Any further attention to the matter is only likely to cause him to behave in an even worse way, and I cannot think of any good that would come from it. I have to consider that being fired because he feels guilty or exposed is a realistic potential outcome of any confrontation.
As to why I do not want to quit-- I am in progress with a larger task which I care about, and which is not impacted by any of this. If I simply quit now, I would not only fail at my task (which would reflect poorly on my cv), I would risk damaging the career of others. I am working with my direct manager to clarify my milestones so I can find a good potential moment to leave.
On a bright note, I have to say that the whole thing has made me realise how relatively lucky I have been in my career. I do a job I like with people I mostly like and while there is certainly normal corporate annoying crap, I have had relatively few instances of genuinely awful behaviour, and when I have encountered it I have usually been in a position to take action for myself.
Thanks again.
posted by frumiousb at 8:27 PM on October 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
To answer ernielundquist, I am trying very much to see this from her position. I think part of the challenge for me is that I see her as sorry-not-sorry. I believe she is genuinely horrified by *how* it was done, but I also believe she was lobbying for the eventual outcome. What happened damages her quite a bit from the point of view of our immediate hierarchy, but it remains to be seen if it will be any kind of issue for her career. I think the advice not to try to talk to her about it is good advice, and when I work with her I will try to focus on what I like about her (and there are many things) and try to minimise contact.
The best solution would obviously be to talk to the person who was responsible. I do not report to him, and he has little direct influence on me. Unfortunately he can significantly impact my immediate superiors, and I know they pushed back at him already for his actions and the outcomes were not good. Any further attention to the matter is only likely to cause him to behave in an even worse way, and I cannot think of any good that would come from it. I have to consider that being fired because he feels guilty or exposed is a realistic potential outcome of any confrontation.
As to why I do not want to quit-- I am in progress with a larger task which I care about, and which is not impacted by any of this. If I simply quit now, I would not only fail at my task (which would reflect poorly on my cv), I would risk damaging the career of others. I am working with my direct manager to clarify my milestones so I can find a good potential moment to leave.
On a bright note, I have to say that the whole thing has made me realise how relatively lucky I have been in my career. I do a job I like with people I mostly like and while there is certainly normal corporate annoying crap, I have had relatively few instances of genuinely awful behaviour, and when I have encountered it I have usually been in a position to take action for myself.
Thanks again.
posted by frumiousb at 8:27 PM on October 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Oh and coincidentally, this just popped up in my Facebook feed.
posted by frumiousb at 5:04 AM on November 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by frumiousb at 5:04 AM on November 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Here is another book recommendation.
And here is my personal experience: don't suppress your feelings, acknowledge them and try to let them go. When I get angry, I realize that I am upset because of something that has happened to me, but then I tell myself that life is not fair and that the universe isn't ordered around me. When I find myself coming back to my hurt feelings repeatedly, I try to tell myself, "This is unproductive." and move on.
Here is another book coming from the Buddhist tradition that might be helpful. There's a great passage in this book where the author says, "When you step in dogshit, don't immediately scrape it off your shoe. Go find an apple tree and scrape it off there. Then your dogshit will grow into a delicious apple."
posted by Mr. Fig at 10:31 AM on November 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
And here is my personal experience: don't suppress your feelings, acknowledge them and try to let them go. When I get angry, I realize that I am upset because of something that has happened to me, but then I tell myself that life is not fair and that the universe isn't ordered around me. When I find myself coming back to my hurt feelings repeatedly, I try to tell myself, "This is unproductive." and move on.
Here is another book coming from the Buddhist tradition that might be helpful. There's a great passage in this book where the author says, "When you step in dogshit, don't immediately scrape it off your shoe. Go find an apple tree and scrape it off there. Then your dogshit will grow into a delicious apple."
posted by Mr. Fig at 10:31 AM on November 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Minimise them. Not your feelings; the people - esp. this particular asshole who threw you under the bus - make them smaller in your mind (imagine them shrinking!) The thing I struggle with is just how much of my energy I devote to people I'm furious with, which is only hurting me, not them. Tell yourself the story with you in the third person, and distance yourself from it, it's a CBT(ish) thing to get some space. Remind yourself that in ten weeks, ten months, ten years, it will be better, and you will be able to laugh and scorn them. Make gratitude lists daily, to redirect your emotions, it sounds cheesy but it will help. Breathe deeply and make fists and remind yourself of your goals.
posted by Gin and Broadband at 12:24 PM on November 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Gin and Broadband at 12:24 PM on November 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
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posted by the agents of KAOS at 1:40 AM on October 31, 2015