a job at the same place my husband's ex works

October 14, 2015 7:07 AM

I have been asked to come in for a interview for a job that would be a good opportunity for me. My husband's ex-wife, who I have never met, works there. How should I handle this?

The backstory is, he was married to this woman about ten years ago. Shortly after they got married, his chronic illness flared up. She reconsidered whether she could live with someone who was sick, decided she couldn't, and left. There was no property and no children. The divorce was straightforward and he has not seen her since. I have never met her, nor do I know any further details about her other than her first name.

I interviewed about a week ago to be added onto the supply teaching list of the local school board. These jobs are hard to come by and it has taken me several years to get a spot. I was just informed I was added to the list (yay!) and asked if I wanted to interview for a short-term contract. By coincidence, it is the school this woman works at.

I figure that IF I get the job, I have two options. Either I say something right away to her, in an 'isn't it a small world' sort of way just to avoid unpleasantness if she finds out accidentally, or I say nothing, remain polite if I deal with her, and play dumb if she confronts me. I am not sure which of these is the better path to take.

If I do work in this board, even if it is not as this particular job, I will inevitably run into her. I came into his life well after she was gone, and didn't do anything wrong here. But I heard through the grapevine that she is still bitter when she talks about him, and I don't think she would welcome having me on her turf if she knew who I was.

posted by JoannaC to Grab Bag (23 answers total)

Either I say something right away to her, in an 'isn't it a small world' sort of way just to avoid unpleasantness if she finds out accidentally, or I say nothing, remain polite if I deal with her, and play dumb if she confronts me. I am not sure which of these is the better path to take.

Say nothing unless she approaches you. "Confront" is a strong word, suggesting you think you've done something wrong by getting married to her ex.

Under these circumstances, it's more than likely that she will not want to discuss the situation with you, so for you to bring it up with her would be weird and invasive and possibly reopen old wounds.
posted by jayder at 7:13 AM on October 14, 2015 [26 favorites]

But I heard through the grapevine that she is still bitter when she talks about him

The type of person to spread this kind of malicious gossip is also the type of person that is likely to embellish. I would ignore the grapevine and proceed as if this woman is, like you, an adult.
posted by ftm at 7:16 AM on October 14, 2015 [53 favorites]

I don't even know exactly where my ex husband from 14 years ago is today, and we were on friendly terms for a while. I remarried 7 years ago...

That was another lifetime. Say nothing. It sounds like it was a relationship, not a marriage on the level you and I have now. The longer I'm "adult" married, the less I even remember my starter marriage at all.

Say nothing. This is a non-issue. Just let it go entirely, especially since it is none of your business. They don't know each other any more, don't dredge it up.
posted by jbenben at 7:18 AM on October 14, 2015 [11 favorites]

Wait - what? I missed that she still talks about him with bitterness. Supposedly.

Uh, I highly doubt that. Why would you talk about someone you dumped 10 years ago out of your own immaturity? They haven't spoken in a zillion years!!

I very much doubt that she is bitter, or cares. If she cares at all, she's ashamed of herself.

The polite thing for you to do is forget you know this tidbit of information from her past and act neutral towards her, and never ever discuss her past history with anyone at work. Like I said, this is none of your business, it's very old news.

PS - maybe the first year after they divorced she was bitter, a million years ago? someone is making up nonesense to you. I can barely remember the names of people I knew 10 years ago, let alone muster the energy to feel negatively about them. I'm pretty sure that story you heard is conflated, inaccurate, or just plain wrong.
posted by jbenben at 7:27 AM on October 14, 2015 [8 favorites]

Best answer: The world is a small place. Luckily, this is the workplace rather than the reading of someone's will or an orgy, so the fact that you've both been married to the same man is completely irrelevant to the situation!

Whatever feelings she has about it, she is allowed to have them as long as she acts like a professional at work. You should have every expectation that she will do so, as will you.

Should you actually get the contract, and should she actually approach you about it - which is not a confrontation, for all you know she might be worried that you're uncomfortable - just say, "yes, I was aware of that fact, but it doesn't have anything to do with work." And then go about your business.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:36 AM on October 14, 2015 [14 favorites]

I would behave in this situation as if you have absolutely no idea how she feels about it and assume she's just a regular grown-up person who isn't holding grudges ten years later. Be friendly, if it comes up smile and say, "I thought that was you! Small world!" or something. But just be casual and friendly and act like it's a weird coincidence not worthy of drama. Because really, it isn't, and if she feels like it is that's not really your problem.
posted by something something at 7:43 AM on October 14, 2015 [26 favorites]

Silly question, but have you discussed this with your husband?
posted by DanSachs at 8:00 AM on October 14, 2015 [4 favorites]

Shortly after they got married, his chronic illness flared up. She reconsidered whether she could live with someone who was sick, decided she couldn't, and left. There was no property and no children.

And no love lost. This woman means nothing to your husband and less to you.

Say nothing, remain polite if you deal with her, and if she confronts you with the information, just say that "I know, but that was in the past, it's none of my business, I don't want to know about it, and I plan on keeping it that way."
posted by three blind mice at 8:25 AM on October 14, 2015

But I heard through the grapevine that she is still bitter when she talks about him, and I don't think she would welcome having me on her turf if she knew who I was.

So just be vague and polite? You don't have to be besties, you just need to be collegial colleagues. And no don't approach her; treat her like any other stranger you've just met (because she is a stranger) and say nothing about your spouse because it's none of her business who you're married to. It is irrelevant to your job.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:29 AM on October 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't place too emphasis on the rumour of her bitterness unless you know more about it. Most people make the odd bitter remark about relationships gone wrong from time to time. That is quite different from being consumed with rage and bitterness and hating his guts, and it doesn't sound like she would be like that from your description of what went on. I think I would say something to her like "Well isn't this a coincidence, I heard you worked here, nice to meet you, blah blah blah" and not make a big deal of it. What does your husband think?
posted by intensitymultiply at 8:30 AM on October 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

I was in this same position! I didn't use my husband's last name, hoping to thwart office gossip. That lasted three whole days.

She came over and introduced herself - that was that. But I would not have gone over and introduced myself if she hadn't. It's a workplace and I felt like it was on me to make things smoother and more comfortable for her.
posted by crankyrogalsky at 8:40 AM on October 14, 2015

Response by poster: I did speak to my husband :-) He is in favour of the say nothing and play dumb approach. He said to just be careful about sharing too much about my personal life at work, which is a good philosophy anyway. Even if I don't get the contract, I may do occasional work there and I think odds are high that I will meet this woman at some point. I have no feelings toward her, either way---her loss is my gain, after all, and I really know nothing about her other than her first name and that she works there. But if I were in her shoes, would I rather be gently told then to learn it as a surprise? I don't know. Maybe it would be kinder to just introduce myself, get it out of the way, and prevent it from coming out later in any kind of drama? This is a big chance for me and I want to be professional and do as good a job as I can. I don't want it being ruined by something that's not even about my skills and abilities re. my work.
posted by JoannaC at 8:52 AM on October 14, 2015

"I really know nothing about her other than her first name..."

Even easier to play dumb. "Oh, I didn't realize you were that Linda."
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:54 AM on October 14, 2015 [8 favorites]

Best answer: Proceed as though everyone has the best of intentions and are good people. You have not taken a "side" – your life is a totally different world than their life. I would neither confront nor play dumb. But, you'll need to play this one by ear. If anyone tries to preemptively start a thing, you should be absolutely magnanimous. "Oh, I wasn't sure if that was actually her. I do hope she is doing well. It's been over 10 years and I know [Ex] certainly does."

And if and when you do meet up with her, a warm smile and a kind of silly, "I think we have something in common...." might break the ice. But offer nothing but warmth and kindness. The bitterness of two people in this situation has nothing to do with you, don't take it on.
posted by amanda at 8:55 AM on October 14, 2015 [9 favorites]

Unless it's a very large school, you'll see a lot of her. I think the 'high road' is to approach her quietly and introduce yourself Hi, I'm Joanna. I think you used to be married to Jim. You have no way of knowing how she feels now, and I would work very hard to avoid drama. Be courteous, professional, and keep your mouth shut about her.
posted by theora55 at 9:01 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

Ask your husband to be the devil's advocate and give her side of the story about the divorce. "He got sick and I bailed" is not something most people are vocally bitter about ... so there's probably something else, at least in her own head if not in reality or justice. You need to know what she may have said or will say about you or your husband.
posted by MattD at 9:16 AM on October 14, 2015 [5 favorites]

Re: "But I heard through the grapevine that she is still bitter when she talks about him"

I can totally see her "still being bitter" when she talks about him. I mean, apparently "till death do us part" didn't apply?

But "still bitter" doesn't mean "seething and angry." It can mean she honestly says she is not happy about how it ended. That's not weird, irrational, or strange given what you've told us. It's totally normal.

And it doesn't mean she would have any desire to talk to you, "confront" you, or discuss him.
posted by jayder at 9:23 AM on October 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

I just realized she is the one who decided she couldn't stay married to someone who is ill. At least to the extent that you've explained the situation, her bitterness does not make sense (she's bitter that he got sick?) and he is beyond reproach ... so hold your head high, don't mention him unless she brings him up, and stop worrying.
posted by jayder at 9:40 AM on October 14, 2015

What is your husband's relationship with her like now? How amicable was the divorce? Is there a lot of water under the bridge, or is there still a lot of bad blood?

If you were my stepmother, I would say NOPE NOPE NOPE and advise you to do almost anything else, careerwise. But, you know, my parents and stepmother live in a small gossipy town, my parents had a terrible divorce, and they still can barely stand to be in the same room with each other. My mother and stepmother work tangentially in the same field, and it being a small town, have social connections. I have actually heard my mother and her friends gossip in a catty way about my stepmother, in front of me even, and it made me feel really bad.

But, hey, talk to your husband and gauge the social situation for yourself. If they basically get along and this is all something that happened to two relatively sane people a long time ago, this might be totally OK.

If you do take the job, I would probably not say anything unless she brings it up. Also, I wouldn't be afraid of ever running into her per se (even if the relationship is still a bitter one), but more of getting drawn into a toxic social environment. People run into each other all the time and it's no reason not to take a job.
posted by Sara C. at 10:19 AM on October 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I don't want it being ruined by something that's not even about my skills and abilities re. my work.

This is pretty simple, then: you just don't bring it up. It has nothing to do with your skills or abilities, so why would you even mention it at all? It's unrelated to your job.

I work in education also, and there is for some reason an impetus to bring your personal life to work and vice versa. But I personally work against that and only share pleasantries and normal cordial stuff at work, things like, "I went apple picking last weekend" or "I saw my family and it was nice." That's the deepest I get with colleagues and it's perfectly fine. I am liked and respected and no one has any idea about who I spend my time with when I'm not at work. I personally can't even see a reason why anyone would know anything about your husband other than the fact that he exists and maybe his first name.

What you have heard about her feelings of the divorce should be forgotten. They might not be true, they may not be meaningful, and they're certainly not relevant to your desire to do well at this job, which is a big opportunity for you.

Here's the thing: you have two choices. Ignore or "mention it gently" (which some people may categorize as "confront.") If you ignore, three things might happen: (1) Nothing (2) She'll talk to you about it (3) She'll talk to other people about it but not you and (3a) you'll hear it through the grapevine or (3b) you'll never hear about it.

If you confront her, something will definitely happen. It could be fine, it could not be fine, but it will be something and that something could be construed as drama fairly easily.

Therefore, ignoring this gives you a higher probability that the situation won't impact your success at this job. If she does talk to other people about it and you hear about it, the only thing you say is, "Isn't it a small world" and maybe if they press, "that was so long ago, and it doesn't really involve me, so let's talk about something else." Same advice applies if she approaches you about the topic.

Best of luck with the job.
posted by sockermom at 10:37 AM on October 14, 2015 [4 favorites]

With the winter holidays coming up soon, it's likely you and your husband will be invited to a work-related party that this woman will also attend, perhaps accompanied by a partner. Therefore, I think you need to do the "small world" approach in advance so there are no shockers/drama in the middle of any festivities. You can't just make excuses for why your husband never goes to any school-related events forever (presuming his situation enables him to get out and about). Moreover, you'll both want him to get to know your new workmates in the way spouses do... so handle it now.
posted by carmicha at 11:09 AM on October 14, 2015

I've got some exes I am bitter towards, and while I don't wish any of their current partners any harm, I don't want to have anything to do with them or to be reminded in any way about my exes. If you intend to knowingly take a job at your husband's ex-wife's workplace, have the decency to keep your distance from her. Be civil and professional, but avoid her as much as you reasonably can. Don't say anything to her or, and this important, to anyone else, about your husband or her past with him. If she mentions it, just nod and say something casual like, "Small world, huh?" and then change the subject, or say there's somewhere else you need to be and then go there. Don't stir the pot, and don't respond if she starts stirring it. In short, be a considerate adult. If you can't do that, then don't take the job.
posted by orange swan at 5:13 PM on October 14, 2015

How obvious is it that you're married to him? Do either of you have his last name? Do you plan on posting his picture at work? Does this place have parties where spouses are invited?

It depends on how reasonable it is that you can get away with her not finding out, what the gossip mill is like, etc. I'd probably quietly not mention it myself and hope it never comes out, but be prepared that the clue bat may hit at some point. Be tactful, casual, and not say very much if/when it does.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:46 PM on October 14, 2015