Declining a Work Event

September 26, 2015 6:10 AM

How do I decline attending this fancy work event?

I've received an invitation to attend a fancy event to celebrate my longevity with this employer. I like my direct colleagues, but they're not the ones throwing this. It's HR, who don't know me from Adam.

I am okay with what I do, but it was never intended to be a job that lasted as long as it has. However, due to personal matters, I've been forced to stay in this job for things like health insurance and work hours flexibility to make the rest of my life work. I don't feel any sense of pride in this "accomplishment." If anything, it's more of a testament to my failure to have a career I want. And I really hate public recognition like this --- which is probably also why I've never advanced. I don't have a horn to toot, much less know how to toot one. (As a point of reference, I eloped when I got married so I wouldn't have to walk down an aisle with everyone staring at me.)

This event is on a weeknight early in the week, which doesn't work for me since week nights are also school nights for my children. We are being asked to invite a a plus one. One of my children has a standing appointment on this night that my plus one attends since I am often working late. I am not paid enough to afford childcare to cover the event. Hell, our anniversary is a few weeks prior, and we have no money to spend on that. I really don't want to spend any money on an event for my job if I don't have it to spend on my anniversary. And my plus one despises these kinds of things even more than I do that I doubt plus one would go with me.

But there have been a ton of layoffs lately, and it would probably be weird if I didn't attend. But I really don't want to go, and it's not one of those things where I could just go for an hour and leave. I'd have to stay for the entire thing and endure a public ceremony.

How do I politely decline this without drawing undue attention to myself?

posted by anonymous to Work & Money (18 answers total)

Assuming this is an event celebrating a lot of employees' longevity, you can simply say, "I'm sorry, it is not possible for me to attend. Thank you for your understanding and for recognizing my time with the organization." No further explanation is needed. If asked, just repeat that "it will not be possible, but thank you."
posted by dayintoday at 6:16 AM on September 26, 2015 [14 favorites]

Tell them that unfortunately you have a prior commitment and won't be attending. It's a commitment to your own sanity, but that still counts, in my book. I hate these kinds of things, too, and would decline it that way myself.
posted by FishBike at 6:26 AM on September 26, 2015 [11 favorites]

I'm assuming this is not specifically for you, but is an event where various work anniversaries will be recognized. If so, I like dayintoday's script. If for some reason, your boss or someone else will be upset if you don't attend and it will affect your employment, then I would explain to that person that you can't afford to attend, and if they offer you money to cover childcare, I'd suck it up and go.
posted by chickenmagazine at 7:19 AM on September 26, 2015 [1 favorite]

Go to the event. People will not understand why you don't want to. They will remember that you supposedly snubbed them.
posted by nothing.especially.clever at 7:37 AM on September 26, 2015 [22 favorites]

If you are one of many people being honored: "thanks so much for the invitation, but we have a family obligation that evening." If you are one of a few people being honored, suck it up and hire a babysitter and go by yourself -- a plus one is never mandatory unless an event is explicitly a couples event.
posted by MattD at 7:47 AM on September 26, 2015 [15 favorites]

I think, 'I'm so sorry I can't make it, I hope it goes great and I can't wait to hear all about it!' is a good sorry of all purpose nice no rsvp. You really don't owe anyone an explanation and if you try, you're going to make it worse (based on what you wrote here). If you like the people or want to put a little positive karma in your networking bank, send along a card
posted by Salamandrous at 7:51 AM on September 26, 2015 [1 favorite]

If the event is only to honor you, and they didn't confirm the date or even your desire to be honored before planning it, then it's on them if you can't attend. You're terribly sorry but you have a prior commitment on that date!
posted by muddgirl at 7:54 AM on September 26, 2015 [14 favorites]

If the event is ONLY for you, you are stuck and there's no way to get out of it without causing major work drama. Sorry. If there's a lot of people being honored and you say you've got a family event already scheduled going on, maybe you can get out of it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:03 AM on September 26, 2015 [12 favorites]

It's so interesting how people are imagining totally different events here. My employer occasionally has events where dozens to hundreds of people with long service are recognized. If it's something like that, you won't be missed.
posted by grouse at 8:24 AM on September 26, 2015 [2 favorites]

OP, if you can clarify via the mods if this is an event specifically for you or for a group of employees, I think that would help. Advice is probably going to vary based on this info.
posted by Beti at 8:26 AM on September 26, 2015 [1 favorite]

Group ceremony or not, unless you previously okayed that particular date, I think saying that you have a prior commitment and declining is fine.

"It would probably be weird if I didn't attend" -- what actual observable things are you basing that assumption on? Is it possible that you're catastrophizing?
posted by jaguar at 8:38 AM on September 26, 2015 [3 favorites]

I think you should go and your spouse stay home with the kids. If you can't rustle up a friend to go with you, maybe a more junior staffer would welcome the opportunity to hob-nob with the higher ups. HR doesn't know you either--this isn't all that personal.
While the planning of this event doesn't seem to be ideal, I don't see what you have to lose by showing up for a while.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:12 AM on September 26, 2015 [2 favorites]

It's an event that is already in the works, and you're the guest of honor? And it's thrown by people higher up at your job?

Dude, just go.

Does it suck? Yes. Can you get out of it? No.

I agree with others that if this is an event where dozens of other people are also being honored, you could probably squeeze out of it by saying you have family obligations or can't get a sitter or something.
posted by Sara C. at 9:51 AM on September 26, 2015 [1 favorite]

This may be one of those situations a friend of mine would call "you can have anything you want, you just can't have everything you want."

This is all assuming you are in a group larger than, say, three people being honored. If it's three people or fewer being honored, I think not going is more fraught.

Otherwise: you are expressing frustration that you haven't advanced as well as a suspicion that not being able to accept appreciation has hurt your career. There is something to be said for learning to tolerate enough attention for people to recognize you. You don't have to feel that your longevity is an accomplishment; what they're doing is thanking you for your *contributions*, not congratulating you on your achievement. Tolerating appreciation is an important skill. If that were your only reason, I'd encourage you to try to go.

I also don't think the plus-one is an issue. Not mandatory.

But the child care, I understand. You aren't obligated to put yourself in financial hardship for a work event. Only you can really decide how much of a burden it is. You have a right to put your family first.

I would encourage you not to skip it because you can't tolerate the attention. It's worth not having to cringe at that. Not going, as you acknowledge, could be bad office politics. But! You have the absolute right to engage in bad office politics and put yourself first. You don't have to do anything. Politely declining is fine.

I don't think you need to worry. I think you should just weigh the pieces - how much you don't want to go, the expense, the politics - and decide what's most important. Don't agonize over taking care of yourself.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 11:38 AM on September 26, 2015 [3 favorites]

Do you want to be laid off? If so, don't go.

I think "I have a family commitment" is the only acceptable way to decline, otherwise, you must attend.
posted by jbenben at 12:01 PM on September 26, 2015 [1 favorite]

I think anyone telling you that you have to go or get fired is nuts. Even if you were the only person being honored, which I don't think seems to be the case, they didn't check dates with you, they just told you. Which, no thanks. Previous committment.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:12 PM on September 26, 2015 [8 favorites]

Don't worry about the plus one thing. Nobody cares if you bring a plus one. Eliminate the babysitter issue.

Also eliminate your sulky attitude about this being beneath you. I feel you, I really do, I would feel the exact same way, but almost nobody likes work events, it's just part of having a corporate job. Sometimes you gotta do these extra hours. It sucks but it's not really about you.

Now: what you're left with is a company event. You have three choices:

1. Say you can't come - you have a family commitment, whatever.
2. Go by yourself, have a glass of wine, and don't get too thinky about it.
3. Say you will come, and then in the afternoon of the same day, stop by HR's office on the way out and say you feel a migraine/stomach ache/whatever coming on and you'll do your best to make it but you can't be sure it will go away by then, and then don't go.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:19 PM on September 26, 2015

Your employer is not entitled to your off hours, simple as. If you don't want to go, don't go. You're not a slave.

Why people put up with such sheet--or even rationalize that they "must" put up with it or be laid off--is beyond me. That saying about how you teach people how to treat you applies here. Don't teach your HR weevils that it's fine and dandy for them to require your uncompensated presence during your supposed free time, without even so much as asking first whether you are interested and/or free that night!
posted by mysterious_stranger at 6:05 AM on September 27, 2015 [3 favorites]