Wedding gift for disconnected relative
September 20, 2015 4:35 PM Subscribe
Need a gift for a couple in their 40s that appears thoughtful, though clearly it isn't as I need it this week.
Very close relative and I used to be very close. In the past two years, since relative's new relationship, we have not been. Relative is busy. I am busy. Relative's relationship is complicated and there are step kids. I've met relative's partner just a handful of times, never been to their new home, never met the step-niblings-to-be. Invitations by me are rejected.
My resentment of this distance is mostly to blame for my failing to think of a wedding gift to give this weekend.
I need something awesome and thoughtful, because this is a very close relative and we used to be very close. But I don't even know relative any more, and I feel like it's important this gift impresses the new spouse.
Not cash. Willing to put a few hundred dollars into this, but probably need to get something online. An experience?
They're not homeowners. No known hobbies, other than wine. Would like to think of non-wine ideas.
Vague ideas welcomed, since you don't know them any better than I do.
Very close relative and I used to be very close. In the past two years, since relative's new relationship, we have not been. Relative is busy. I am busy. Relative's relationship is complicated and there are step kids. I've met relative's partner just a handful of times, never been to their new home, never met the step-niblings-to-be. Invitations by me are rejected.
My resentment of this distance is mostly to blame for my failing to think of a wedding gift to give this weekend.
I need something awesome and thoughtful, because this is a very close relative and we used to be very close. But I don't even know relative any more, and I feel like it's important this gift impresses the new spouse.
Not cash. Willing to put a few hundred dollars into this, but probably need to get something online. An experience?
They're not homeowners. No known hobbies, other than wine. Would like to think of non-wine ideas.
Vague ideas welcomed, since you don't know them any better than I do.
Gift certificate for something they could all do together. This is my new go to gift idea when I don't know what to buy people. I look on their Facebook page for ideas and then get the whole family something. I have done plays, science project kits, organic seeds, and rafting trips. So far, so good.
posted by cairnoflore at 4:43 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by cairnoflore at 4:43 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Safety equipment? If they're renters, their landlord probably has to provide smoke and/or CO detectors, but most landlords don't provide fire extinguishers, and every kitchen should have one (all credit to other Mefi folks for this idea).
If you're willing to go registry but you're not sure if they have one, try RegistryFinder.com.
posted by pie ninja at 4:44 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you're willing to go registry but you're not sure if they have one, try RegistryFinder.com.
posted by pie ninja at 4:44 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Sorry, no registry and no social media, so no clues.
posted by OrangeVelour at 4:54 PM on September 20, 2015
posted by OrangeVelour at 4:54 PM on September 20, 2015
I don't think there's a person on earth who wouldn't prefer a gift card to a set of bowls or whatever and if they say they wouldn't they are lying. Get a gift card to...I guess Wal-Mart? Trader Joe's? Whatever you have over there that has a range of different things to pick from.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:55 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:55 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I really like the idea of a fire extinguisher. It's a practical, potentially life-saving gift, and yet very few people think to keep one. And even if they have one, an extra is always good to have around!
posted by Tamanna at 4:56 PM on September 20, 2015
posted by Tamanna at 4:56 PM on September 20, 2015
A feel a fire extinguisher/safety gear may lead into some uncharitable readings like "when your marriage explodes, have a fire extinguisher" or "need a quick escape? Climb out the window!"
Do you live relatively closely that you know awesome restaurants in the area. I would say a heartfelt card, and a gift certificate to swanky dinner place and an offer to babysit to give them a date night (if step kids require babysitting). If it's a BYOB, you can throw in a decent bottle of wine as well.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 5:10 PM on September 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
Do you live relatively closely that you know awesome restaurants in the area. I would say a heartfelt card, and a gift certificate to swanky dinner place and an offer to babysit to give them a date night (if step kids require babysitting). If it's a BYOB, you can throw in a decent bottle of wine as well.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 5:10 PM on September 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
A large ostentatious vase, something gold plated, a fancy coffee table on which to stub one's toe, a drum set and tuba for the children, a goat, those useless ceramic statues of animals... preferably in gold or terribly lifelike, dishware or kitchen implements of an ethnicity that they are not, an aquarium with live fish that their children will grow attached to, some sort of carving, statue or art, a patio set, an ice-cream making machine, a sewing machine, a bolt of fancy cloth, a beanbag chair, a custom quilt, the fanciest orange juicer you can find, a fancy super-automatic espresso machine, a soda-stream machine or other specialized kitchen appliance, a set of matching snow shoes, a canoe.
posted by captaincrouton at 5:11 PM on September 20, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by captaincrouton at 5:11 PM on September 20, 2015 [12 favorites]
When you were close, what were they into? Do you have any family heirlooms they might like?
posted by Rob Rockets at 5:20 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Rob Rockets at 5:20 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Uncommon Goods is a great place for gifts they probably don't already have. MOMA store is another good one.
posted by Ostara at 5:22 PM on September 20, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Ostara at 5:22 PM on September 20, 2015 [7 favorites]
You used to be close with this relative. What kinds of things were they into then? Cooking or foodie things? Were they into sports or other active pursuits? Travel? Theatre and museums? Think of gifts you might have chosen for the relative you were close to. What about a family or couples membership to something like a museum or zoo or conservation area or sporting thing or some such?
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:27 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:27 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Please not a fire extinguisher.
An experience voucher would be a great idea but you don't know what they're into now, so the safest thing will be restaurant gift certificate. Yelp upscale restaurants where they live. Steakhouses are good bets as they are expensive and there are several upscale chains like Flemings and Ruth's Chris with locations all over the country.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:28 PM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
An experience voucher would be a great idea but you don't know what they're into now, so the safest thing will be restaurant gift certificate. Yelp upscale restaurants where they live. Steakhouses are good bets as they are expensive and there are several upscale chains like Flemings and Ruth's Chris with locations all over the country.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:28 PM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
If they are meat eaters you could get them a nice carving set, engraved with an initial.
posted by JenMarie at 5:32 PM on September 20, 2015
posted by JenMarie at 5:32 PM on September 20, 2015
A really fat Shutterfly gift certificate with a thoughtful hand written card by you about preserving new and old wonderful memories to share with your whole family in the future.
posted by Mizu at 5:32 PM on September 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by Mizu at 5:32 PM on September 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
I think it'd be hard to go wrong with KitchenAid stuff, as far as making a big statement about being Pro their union and new domesticity. KitchenAid mixers are legendary and much coveted. (Just include a gift receipt, so they can return it for whatever they decide they really need.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:33 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:33 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Or Le Creuset enamelled cast iron. (I'm not sure it's that much better than regular cast iron, but people love that stuff - as a generic "special" gift, I think it might be ok?)
But you've met relative's partner a couple of times - any sense at all of what they value?
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:52 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
But you've met relative's partner a couple of times - any sense at all of what they value?
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:52 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Near any big cities? One of those touristy ticket sets (like CityPass in Chicago) could be neat for everyone.
posted by teremala at 5:52 PM on September 20, 2015
posted by teremala at 5:52 PM on September 20, 2015
Or an awesome coffee maker. People who consider wine a hobby probably like fancy coffee, right?
posted by teremala at 5:57 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by teremala at 5:57 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Something classic and luxurious, like a simple crystal bowl from Tiffany. It is recognizably elegant and can be a nice heirloom piece, but isn't crazy ostentatious or unaffordable. Write a simple note about your best wishes for the new family and leave it at that. It's easy on your end, but looks thoughtful and appropriate.
posted by judith at 6:02 PM on September 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by judith at 6:02 PM on September 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
A large gift certificate to a nearby good restaurant of the type that has an extensive wine list.
posted by tchemgrrl at 6:24 PM on September 20, 2015
posted by tchemgrrl at 6:24 PM on September 20, 2015
Seconding classic crystal bowl from Tiffany. What judith said. Perfect.
posted by MelissaSimon at 7:55 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by MelissaSimon at 7:55 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you don't know the new spouse, don't woy about trying to pick something they'd like. Think back on what it was like when you were close to your relative, and how you spent your time together, what your fondest memories are. Try to think of something you liked to do together that you could reference in a gift.
Examples:
You ate Chinese food together late at night --> rice cooker and a cookbook and a note about how awesome it used to be.
You went hiking a lot --> framed Ansel Adams(ish) prints or a lamp with woodland scenes, and a note about how awesome it used to be.
You sat around eating junk food and watching bad cable tv --> an ice cream maker and cookbook and a note about how awesome it used to be.
Just think about all the things that give you warm nostalgic feelings, and try to find something that will trigger those feelings in your friend, but that could be in the form of a household gift (blanket) rather than a single-person one (sweatshirt).
posted by aimedwander at 7:58 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Examples:
You ate Chinese food together late at night --> rice cooker and a cookbook and a note about how awesome it used to be.
You went hiking a lot --> framed Ansel Adams(ish) prints or a lamp with woodland scenes, and a note about how awesome it used to be.
You sat around eating junk food and watching bad cable tv --> an ice cream maker and cookbook and a note about how awesome it used to be.
Just think about all the things that give you warm nostalgic feelings, and try to find something that will trigger those feelings in your friend, but that could be in the form of a household gift (blanket) rather than a single-person one (sweatshirt).
posted by aimedwander at 7:58 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
They like wine. You said "not wine". I say wine. Go to a good wine shop, get several bottles of wine, maybe a bottle of vintage port that could be held onto for some years, and opened on the 10th anniversary. Wine is a nice gift, and it's easy to spend 100 on it.
Okay, no wine. Gift certificate to an awesome restaurant. Or, expensive vase/ cookware from the largest department store in their town, with a gift receipt. Big department stores are fabulous about accepting returns for wedding gifts and giving back cash. So you can get a set of towels or some other tangible gift, but the receipt means they can get cash back. Write a really nice card.
posted by theora55 at 8:04 PM on September 20, 2015
Okay, no wine. Gift certificate to an awesome restaurant. Or, expensive vase/ cookware from the largest department store in their town, with a gift receipt. Big department stores are fabulous about accepting returns for wedding gifts and giving back cash. So you can get a set of towels or some other tangible gift, but the receipt means they can get cash back. Write a really nice card.
posted by theora55 at 8:04 PM on September 20, 2015
Your relative is getting stepkids with this marriage, so some kind of gift acknowledging the formation of a new family in its entirety: tickets for all of them to ____ (play, amusement park, zoo, museum - riff on whatever you know your relative already likes and make it an age-appropriate outing for the kids). Or a year's 'family membership' to something in the same vein.
(You mention possibly gifting 'an experience' in your ask; if you mentioned their city you might get more specific recommendations.)
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:08 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
(You mention possibly gifting 'an experience' in your ask; if you mentioned their city you might get more specific recommendations.)
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:08 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I like Tiffany stuff, but I would prefer to give or get a bowl from Nambe.
posted by jbenben at 8:09 PM on September 20, 2015
posted by jbenben at 8:09 PM on September 20, 2015
Use the gift for one last try to regain your relationship with your relative and get to know the new spouse and stepchildren. Send a nice bottle of wine along with a letter about how much you miss your former closeness, want to know the new family members, closing with a proposal to spend a weekend together, all of you, at [nearby vacation destination] at a house you'll rent for the group. Then follow through after they're home from the honeymoon. If that makes it too expensive, substitute something small but evocative of the destination for the bottle of wine.
posted by carmicha at 8:39 PM on September 20, 2015
posted by carmicha at 8:39 PM on September 20, 2015
I really like the crystal bowl suggestion. I still keep one I received as a wedding gift decades after my marriage ended. I keep sex toys in it. While I was still married, I used to serve pate (terrine) in it. It was one of the best gifts we received. Also a Tibetan bell I still use at the end of my meditation.
posted by janey47 at 9:15 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by janey47 at 9:15 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Do they like to travel? Coz altases or world globes are cool.
Annual family pass to a local zoo.
posted by kjs4 at 9:17 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Annual family pass to a local zoo.
posted by kjs4 at 9:17 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Museum or botanic garden membership can be a nice gift.
posted by sciencegeek at 2:50 AM on September 21, 2015
posted by sciencegeek at 2:50 AM on September 21, 2015
If you gave me a fire extinguisher as a wedding present, I'd think you were out to ruin my special day.
I would suggest buying a gift certificate to a local zoo or amusement park - something the new family could do together - and then include a picture frame plus a note saying "here's to making happy memories".
posted by kariebookish at 5:20 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would suggest buying a gift certificate to a local zoo or amusement park - something the new family could do together - and then include a picture frame plus a note saying "here's to making happy memories".
posted by kariebookish at 5:20 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
FWIW, we got two unasked-for crystal bowls for our wedding, and had them both up on EBay before we'd gotten back from the honeymoon. This depends so much on taste.
posted by tchemgrrl at 6:46 AM on September 21, 2015
posted by tchemgrrl at 6:46 AM on September 21, 2015
We got quite a lot of cash for our wedding, even from relatives/friends we consider close. (We also got lovely things off the registry, and a small variety of off-registry purchases, which were about 50-50 in terms of whether we will ever use them, even once -- one item for the kitchen literally does not fit on our counters and is gathering dust in a parent's basement). You can designate it for something like "I'd love to treat you to a special meal on your honeymoon" if you want to make it more personal, but honestly I think people who choose not to have a registry are mostly hoping for cash gifts, and it's perfectly nice/thoughtful to get people what they want and are essentially asking for!
Museum/zoo/aquarium memberships can also be really nice (we got one for our inlaws as a thank you for all their help with the wedding), IF you know it's somewhere they like and will use the pass rather than having it become an item of guilt that it got wasted. Similarly, if you know of a nice restaurant in their location, a gift certificate large enough to cover a nice dinner out with wine can be great.
But really, cash is not rude, and when we received it we ended up feeling really loved and not like it was generic/impersonal. People almost always included really nice messages in their card, and the money we received went toward our honeymoon fund so it feels really tied to the wedding (not just being used to pay bills or whatever).
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:17 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Museum/zoo/aquarium memberships can also be really nice (we got one for our inlaws as a thank you for all their help with the wedding), IF you know it's somewhere they like and will use the pass rather than having it become an item of guilt that it got wasted. Similarly, if you know of a nice restaurant in their location, a gift certificate large enough to cover a nice dinner out with wine can be great.
But really, cash is not rude, and when we received it we ended up feeling really loved and not like it was generic/impersonal. People almost always included really nice messages in their card, and the money we received went toward our honeymoon fund so it feels really tied to the wedding (not just being used to pay bills or whatever).
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:17 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh also - although cultures vary and there might be specific cultural constraints operating on you here, in the U.S. you typically do have some months after the wedding to send the gift. We are still receiving a few gifts 4 months after our wedding, and certainly in the 3-4 weeks after we got a bunch. In fact, in our case it was a lot more convenient when people mailed us gifts before/after the wedding than those that brought them to the venue, where we had to deal with storing/transporting the gifts! If you are in the U.S., you can always give a thoughtful card with a nice message remembering your past together, and then send a gift sometime in the next month or two.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:48 AM on September 21, 2015
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:48 AM on September 21, 2015
I agree with the suggestions to send the gift later. Use the wedding as a chance to do some reconnaissance and figure out something that they'd both really like to receive.
posted by yellowcandy at 9:12 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by yellowcandy at 9:12 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
How about something small and either symbolically special to the both of you or just to you - like a favorite book, maybe a children's book or a classic or a thin book of love poems along with a big gift card. Write a nice note in the book about something.
posted by RoadScholar at 11:53 AM on September 21, 2015
posted by RoadScholar at 11:53 AM on September 21, 2015
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