appreciative apartment-dwelling Germanophile
September 1, 2015 6:08 PM Subscribe
My building manager was born in 1930 in the Sudetenland. She is really nice. How do I show appreciation in a culturally and generationally sensitive manner?
Background: She appears to be in bizarrely good shape, if a little forgetful; she collects rent, takes care of the building, etc. Our otherwise dumpy apartment building has a huge spritz of those flowers you see under the windows of stereotypical Bavarian houses along the path to the door. She brings us the food her cat is too picky eat a few times a month, and my cat adores her. She’s a widow, but has family in the area that she sees often. As far as I know, she likes (and is accomplished in) sewing, cooking, gardening, and music. I moved in a little more than a year ago. We're in a part of the US that is very diverse, but not a lot of Central Europeans.
Every 1-2 months, I end up sitting in her apartment (she invite me in) and talking for several hours. She tells me about her family and shows me pictures of her hometown; we talk about cats and plantar fasciitis, but I don’t really know what constitutes appropriate conversation topics. I studied modern European history and German, and spent 4 years abroad in Vienna, so I’m rather fascinated, but hopefully not in an exploitative way. She asks questions about my life, parents, etc., but I don’t know if or how much she wants to feel included. I’m very introverted and have a hard time showing affection, or judging how people see themselves in relation to me.
I don’t know if I’m overthinking this. Once when I was about 10, I made some stupid South Park-influenced Hitler jokes without knowing what the hell I was talking about. My mom freaked out and told me that if I made those jokes in front of my grandmother, I’d give her a heart attack. Ever since then, I’ve been nervous about that whole topic, and its effect on people. And mega-embarrassed when I feel I’ve screwed up. I’m pretty obviously part Ashkenazi, and the time I kinda sorta asked about WWII (“What was Christmas like in your town?”), she seemed to feel the need to apologize, and that is not necessary for me at all. Also, since she isn’t one of those people who has offered themselves up to an official something-or-other to tell their story, I don’t want to make her relive what must have been unbelievably horrific for my entertainment.
Last holiday season, she brought a giant plate of fancy homemade German Christmas cookies. I brought over a homemade honey cake, but I’m not a particularly good baker. When I bring her cookies, she seems to feel the need to reciprocate, and I don’t want to make her feel obligated.
So should it be a non-ostentatious holiday basket with a handwritten thank-you note in Kurrentschrift? Could Kurrentschrift be triggering in some way? Would the holiday basket itself trigger a bigger holiday basket? Unfortunately I have a whole lot to do right now, otherwise I'd try to track down an old songbook, map, or something like that.
Help me be nice!
Background: She appears to be in bizarrely good shape, if a little forgetful; she collects rent, takes care of the building, etc. Our otherwise dumpy apartment building has a huge spritz of those flowers you see under the windows of stereotypical Bavarian houses along the path to the door. She brings us the food her cat is too picky eat a few times a month, and my cat adores her. She’s a widow, but has family in the area that she sees often. As far as I know, she likes (and is accomplished in) sewing, cooking, gardening, and music. I moved in a little more than a year ago. We're in a part of the US that is very diverse, but not a lot of Central Europeans.
Every 1-2 months, I end up sitting in her apartment (she invite me in) and talking for several hours. She tells me about her family and shows me pictures of her hometown; we talk about cats and plantar fasciitis, but I don’t really know what constitutes appropriate conversation topics. I studied modern European history and German, and spent 4 years abroad in Vienna, so I’m rather fascinated, but hopefully not in an exploitative way. She asks questions about my life, parents, etc., but I don’t know if or how much she wants to feel included. I’m very introverted and have a hard time showing affection, or judging how people see themselves in relation to me.
I don’t know if I’m overthinking this. Once when I was about 10, I made some stupid South Park-influenced Hitler jokes without knowing what the hell I was talking about. My mom freaked out and told me that if I made those jokes in front of my grandmother, I’d give her a heart attack. Ever since then, I’ve been nervous about that whole topic, and its effect on people. And mega-embarrassed when I feel I’ve screwed up. I’m pretty obviously part Ashkenazi, and the time I kinda sorta asked about WWII (“What was Christmas like in your town?”), she seemed to feel the need to apologize, and that is not necessary for me at all. Also, since she isn’t one of those people who has offered themselves up to an official something-or-other to tell their story, I don’t want to make her relive what must have been unbelievably horrific for my entertainment.
Last holiday season, she brought a giant plate of fancy homemade German Christmas cookies. I brought over a homemade honey cake, but I’m not a particularly good baker. When I bring her cookies, she seems to feel the need to reciprocate, and I don’t want to make her feel obligated.
So should it be a non-ostentatious holiday basket with a handwritten thank-you note in Kurrentschrift? Could Kurrentschrift be triggering in some way? Would the holiday basket itself trigger a bigger holiday basket? Unfortunately I have a whole lot to do right now, otherwise I'd try to track down an old songbook, map, or something like that.
Help me be nice!
Best answer: I think you're overthinking this. It sounds as if you and she are friends—not close friends, but in my book, talking for several hours every few months, sharing memories and experiences, and enjoying it is what friendship is all about. You obviously care for her and don't want to cause her pain. The fact that you also have a business relationship doesn't alter that fact, though it could (in the wrong circumstances) lead to some awkwardness.
Based on what you have said about her and her interests, a holiday basket would be appropriate. But you say she likes music. If it's classical music, is there a symphony or chamber orchestra in your town to which you could give her tickets (or a gift certificate for tickets)? Or a cookbook you think she would like?
I'm not sure about Kurrentschrift. I imagine she reads it, but it's not clear why you would be using it. I learned to write it in order to be able to read it, but it's generally not much used these days, AFAIK. Depending on when she came to the US, she might be like my maternal grandmother, who came here in the '20s when she was a late teen: her attitude was that she was in America, and she would be American. She corresponded with her sister in Norway in Norwegian, but she didn't speak the language at home or teach it to her children. I don't think that Kurrentschrift would be triggering, but it might be puzzling.
BTW, I'm a bit confused by the timing implied by your question. Are you talking about a gift around Christmastime? Your mention of a holiday basket makes me think so, but your remark that you "have a whole lot to do right now" makes me think you're talking about the next week or two. I do know people who are so tightly scheduled that anything less than 6 months out seems impossible, but they are generally not very happy people, so I hope you're not one of them!
posted by brianogilvie at 6:27 PM on September 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Based on what you have said about her and her interests, a holiday basket would be appropriate. But you say she likes music. If it's classical music, is there a symphony or chamber orchestra in your town to which you could give her tickets (or a gift certificate for tickets)? Or a cookbook you think she would like?
I'm not sure about Kurrentschrift. I imagine she reads it, but it's not clear why you would be using it. I learned to write it in order to be able to read it, but it's generally not much used these days, AFAIK. Depending on when she came to the US, she might be like my maternal grandmother, who came here in the '20s when she was a late teen: her attitude was that she was in America, and she would be American. She corresponded with her sister in Norway in Norwegian, but she didn't speak the language at home or teach it to her children. I don't think that Kurrentschrift would be triggering, but it might be puzzling.
BTW, I'm a bit confused by the timing implied by your question. Are you talking about a gift around Christmastime? Your mention of a holiday basket makes me think so, but your remark that you "have a whole lot to do right now" makes me think you're talking about the next week or two. I do know people who are so tightly scheduled that anything less than 6 months out seems impossible, but they are generally not very happy people, so I hope you're not one of them!
posted by brianogilvie at 6:27 PM on September 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Timing is fairly flexible but I'd like to bring by something for the holidays. Or generally be able to show appreciation in a spontaneous manner, but that's a tall order. I'm going to be busy from now through the holiday season with work and trying-to-find-other work. I think she immigrated to the USA about a decade after the war, and she still seems pretty connected to Europe. Kurrentschrift, well, that would probably be more for my own amusement...
Thank you both so much for the suggestions and for putting my mind at ease! Gift certificates, flowers, and chocolates are all excellent!
posted by knuspermanatee at 7:02 PM on September 1, 2015
Thank you both so much for the suggestions and for putting my mind at ease! Gift certificates, flowers, and chocolates are all excellent!
posted by knuspermanatee at 7:02 PM on September 1, 2015
Best answer: You are totally over thinking this. :)
It sounds like she has a great love of simple joys - gardening, sharing memories, her cats - and that anything too fussy will be seen as a social obligation to return. I would get her a medium-to-small bouquet of flowers. And do it now, why not, and write a small, short note saying you appreciate her, and appreciate the memories she's shared with you. Go on yelp to find a good florist. When you call the florist, say you want an old-fashioned, informal bouquet, and to include "cottage garden" flowers. Ask for nothing neon, or bright colored. This will weed out a bland, off-the-shelf bouquet of spider mums and gerberas. This bouquet is much more likely to have things she'll recognize and love.
Then just knock on her door with it, and say you were thinking of her.
posted by missmary6 at 8:12 PM on September 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
It sounds like she has a great love of simple joys - gardening, sharing memories, her cats - and that anything too fussy will be seen as a social obligation to return. I would get her a medium-to-small bouquet of flowers. And do it now, why not, and write a small, short note saying you appreciate her, and appreciate the memories she's shared with you. Go on yelp to find a good florist. When you call the florist, say you want an old-fashioned, informal bouquet, and to include "cottage garden" flowers. Ask for nothing neon, or bright colored. This will weed out a bland, off-the-shelf bouquet of spider mums and gerberas. This bouquet is much more likely to have things she'll recognize and love.
Then just knock on her door with it, and say you were thinking of her.
posted by missmary6 at 8:12 PM on September 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: What about a silly little cat toy? Then you're sort of pretending the gift is for the cat (reducing the reciprocity pressure) but still earning her good graces (nice to the cat = nice to her).
posted by latkes at 8:16 PM on September 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by latkes at 8:16 PM on September 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
Gingerbread, European style, Ritter Sport Chocolate with hazelnuts. Handkerchiefs, pretty ones.
posted by Oyéah at 8:21 PM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Oyéah at 8:21 PM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Fruit, whatever is in season at the farmers market right now...these peaches are so good, I thought you might enjoy a couple.
Love the idea of a cat toy...our cats say thank you for the food and sent this along for your cat.
posted by BoscosMom at 9:04 PM on September 1, 2015
Love the idea of a cat toy...our cats say thank you for the food and sent this along for your cat.
posted by BoscosMom at 9:04 PM on September 1, 2015
How about a sudetendeutsches cookbook from Amazon.de? Shipping to the US takes about 2 weeks and costs 3 EUR basic fee + 3 EUR per kilogram weight. I agree the Kurrentschrift note is weird.
posted by tecg at 10:23 PM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by tecg at 10:23 PM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you so much for the responses, you guys were all super helpful! A cat-to-cat toy sounds perfect, and I'll see what I can do in terms of appropriate flowers and/or cookies. And I'll find someone else to inflict Kurrentschrift on :)
posted by knuspermanatee at 12:12 PM on September 2, 2015
posted by knuspermanatee at 12:12 PM on September 2, 2015
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If you want to give a gift soon-ish, flowers are beautiful at the farmers markets right now, and I have a hard time seeing how you'd go wrong there.
posted by Maarika at 6:18 PM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]