Disclosing my depression/medications in profile on a date site?
August 14, 2015 8:51 AM Subscribe
After a long break I'd like to try dating again. i'm recovering from depression and am on medication, which i've heard can be deal-breakers for some people. Should I say I'm on meds in my profile, or should I bring it up while texting/chatting or maybe on the first date? or is it none of their business until we get more intimate? please help me decide!
I don't think you should disclose until later on, for these reasons:
1. I think it's ableist for people to say categorically that they won't date someone with a particular very common medical condition - a particular person's depression might be a dealbreaker, true - and I see no reason why you should preemptively seek to make things easy for those folks. Let them put it on their profiles and own that attitude.
2. I think it will give the sense that depression and managing it play a very, very large role in your life. Unless they do, and you expect potential dates to accommodate your depression in significant ways from the very beginning, I think you'll be giving a false impression.
3. I just don't think that people should be expected to disclose to a large pool of strangers every private thing that might be of interest to potential dates. Or even disclose to casual dating partners something that will not impact them unless they move beyond casual. There's a whole host of things - like medical history! - that it is beneficial to keep private, and I think you have to treat your own interests in privacy as paramount.
posted by Frowner at 8:57 AM on August 14, 2015 [18 favorites]
1. I think it's ableist for people to say categorically that they won't date someone with a particular very common medical condition - a particular person's depression might be a dealbreaker, true - and I see no reason why you should preemptively seek to make things easy for those folks. Let them put it on their profiles and own that attitude.
2. I think it will give the sense that depression and managing it play a very, very large role in your life. Unless they do, and you expect potential dates to accommodate your depression in significant ways from the very beginning, I think you'll be giving a false impression.
3. I just don't think that people should be expected to disclose to a large pool of strangers every private thing that might be of interest to potential dates. Or even disclose to casual dating partners something that will not impact them unless they move beyond casual. There's a whole host of things - like medical history! - that it is beneficial to keep private, and I think you have to treat your own interests in privacy as paramount.
posted by Frowner at 8:57 AM on August 14, 2015 [18 favorites]
I don't see a reason to disclose. I never see anyone put their blood pressure meds front and center on dating websites, or the PPIs they take for GERD.
posted by juniperesque at 9:01 AM on August 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by juniperesque at 9:01 AM on August 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
To be honest, that would put me off. It would sound too much like you might be the type of person who uses their depression as a crutch or excuse for less than favourable behavior. Or that you are potentially the kind of person who tells you their entire life story, warts and all, the first time you meet. I really don't want to be "prepared for the worst" before we even go on our first date.
I'm saying this as someone who is currently on SNRIs to manage anxiety and whose partner has suffered bouts of depression (and has been treated for it) throughout our entire relationship.
Yeah, I'd leave it off.
posted by futureisunwritten at 9:01 AM on August 14, 2015 [16 favorites]
I'm saying this as someone who is currently on SNRIs to manage anxiety and whose partner has suffered bouts of depression (and has been treated for it) throughout our entire relationship.
Yeah, I'd leave it off.
posted by futureisunwritten at 9:01 AM on August 14, 2015 [16 favorites]
Half the people I know are on antidepressants. This won't be a big deal for a normal, intelligent person. The kind of person who'd reject you for taking psych meds is somebody you'd probably write off after a first date for other reasons, anyway.
posted by something something at 9:02 AM on August 14, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by something something at 9:02 AM on August 14, 2015 [8 favorites]
I always waited at least a few dates in, just because it's sort of a TMI thing for two people that do not know one another well and not really relevant to the sort of stuff that goes on in the first few dates. Worst case scenario, it is a dealbreaker for someone -- and there's reasons for that beyond ableism, IMO -- and you lose out on the time of a few dates which is maybe a couple of evenings?
posted by griphus at 9:02 AM on August 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by griphus at 9:02 AM on August 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
Taking depression meds would never be a dealbreaker for me (who are these people?), but talking about your depression meds upfront in your dating profile would probably be enough of a red flag to turn me off. It would make me think you were the kind of person who defined yourself by your medical issues, which isn't very fun.
posted by 256 at 9:04 AM on August 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by 256 at 9:04 AM on August 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
I've had more than a few people disclose depression/health issues/meds they're on after a few dates. The timing felt appropriate and I was not put off that I hadn't been "warned" in advance of meeting them. Including this information in your profile does not seem to be standard practice. Leave it off.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:04 AM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:04 AM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I agree that you should probably not put this in your profile unless you can really sell it with some grace and humor. It's like any other health issue--a dating profile is not the place for it. (Like, it would be weird to see someone talking about taking prilosec for their GERD on their profile, but I could see it maybe--maybe--be used for comedic effect in a "favorite foods" section.)
I understand, though, about wanting to disclose it. I've got a neurological medical issue that's really non-obvious but limits some things I can do, and I prefer to make it known early on, just as a personal preference of mine. A way you can do it is by kind of skirting around it as part of everyday life--it's not some bombshell to drop or a big secret to be ashamed of. Example: when you're on a date and stuffing your face with fries, it might work to say something like "my antidepressant makes me crave carbs like crazy." Whatever works for you.
But I certainly wouldn't lead with it.
posted by phunniemee at 9:04 AM on August 14, 2015
I understand, though, about wanting to disclose it. I've got a neurological medical issue that's really non-obvious but limits some things I can do, and I prefer to make it known early on, just as a personal preference of mine. A way you can do it is by kind of skirting around it as part of everyday life--it's not some bombshell to drop or a big secret to be ashamed of. Example: when you're on a date and stuffing your face with fries, it might work to say something like "my antidepressant makes me crave carbs like crazy." Whatever works for you.
But I certainly wouldn't lead with it.
posted by phunniemee at 9:04 AM on August 14, 2015
I'm generally pretty firmly in the 'disclose things in your profile -- why waste everyone's time on dealbreakers?' camp, but this is one of those things that I don't think you need to mention up front. It's probably first few dates material, since it likely is a significant thing in your life that'll come up in some context, but you don't necessarily need to go out of your way to bring it up.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:07 AM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jacquilynne at 9:07 AM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Leave it off. I would (have!) dated people on antidepressants, but would have been turned off if I saw them disclosed seriously in a profile. To me, they're mostly no big deal/are a sign someone is on top of their shit, but having them disclosed in advance via profile would make me think they're a really big important before-we-meet piece of info for you, which would make me wonder what else is going on.
posted by c'mon sea legs at 9:09 AM on August 14, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by c'mon sea legs at 9:09 AM on August 14, 2015 [7 favorites]
Agree with the people who say to leave it off.
posted by persona au gratin at 9:14 AM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by persona au gratin at 9:14 AM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh my god! No, no, no, this is nobody's business and would be an excellent way to sabotage your own profile.
posted by amro at 9:24 AM on August 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by amro at 9:24 AM on August 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
I would not put it in my profile. That said, my first date with my partner (who I met online, back in the last millennium) ended up being sort of a festival of "hey, let's talk about our depression and our medications and our histories" and while it's not The Recommended Way To Do Things, it was refreshing and delightful to be that open and honest with someone and get a lot of the cards on the table right away. I think there's no reason to avoid the topic on a first date, if it comes up naturally.
I would definitely try to get it in, in the first few dates. Not so much for their sake, but for yours - if they're someone who is either holding onto some weird bullshit about mental health, or has for other more legitimate reasons decided they don't want to get intimately involved with someone in treatment, then you don't want to waste too much of your own time or emotional energy on them.
posted by Stacey at 9:25 AM on August 14, 2015
I would definitely try to get it in, in the first few dates. Not so much for their sake, but for yours - if they're someone who is either holding onto some weird bullshit about mental health, or has for other more legitimate reasons decided they don't want to get intimately involved with someone in treatment, then you don't want to waste too much of your own time or emotional energy on them.
posted by Stacey at 9:25 AM on August 14, 2015
No way should you put this in your profile. There's no reason to, especially these days when a significant chunk of the population is on some sort of depression meds. And in any event, as others have noted, it's medical info, which isn't appropriate for inclusion on a dating site unless its something that will be immediately noticeable on a first meeting anyway or that you might want to give a heads up for (i.e., "I use a wheelchair so anywhere we go on a first date has to be ADA compliant" or what have you). Taking anti-depressants isn't one of those things.
posted by holborne at 9:27 AM on August 14, 2015
posted by holborne at 9:27 AM on August 14, 2015
I wouldn't disclose this on a first date, unless there was a very compelling reason. Disclosing it on a profile is an invitation to tragedy.
posted by mrdaneri at 9:31 AM on August 14, 2015
posted by mrdaneri at 9:31 AM on August 14, 2015
Here's a slightly different question and answer from Captain Awkward, which I hope will be helpful to you.
posted by foxjacket at 9:53 AM on August 14, 2015
posted by foxjacket at 9:53 AM on August 14, 2015
Definitely save it for a later in-person conversation, for all the reasons people said. (I'm not sure I actually know anyone who hasn't experienced some form of depression, at some point or other.)
That said - is part of the reason you're thinking about disclosing on the site itself that you're still recovering, possibly anxious about then feeling obliged to explain where you're at and what you're doing, maybe hoping this might head off other kinds of judgements about your life? If so, I think that's worth thinking through and developing a strategy for - maybe in therapy, if you've got access to that.
(Because in that case, maybe the kinds of judgements you're anticipating are unlikely to begin with. Or, maybe they are questions that might come up for people, in which case it would help to come up with a way of answering them that's comfortable for you, and maybe also to think through handling different kinds of responses. I think, basically, that the attitude to take is that a person for whom any such concerns are important is not the person for you right now.)
But as for disclosure off the top, nopity nope.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:56 AM on August 14, 2015
That said - is part of the reason you're thinking about disclosing on the site itself that you're still recovering, possibly anxious about then feeling obliged to explain where you're at and what you're doing, maybe hoping this might head off other kinds of judgements about your life? If so, I think that's worth thinking through and developing a strategy for - maybe in therapy, if you've got access to that.
(Because in that case, maybe the kinds of judgements you're anticipating are unlikely to begin with. Or, maybe they are questions that might come up for people, in which case it would help to come up with a way of answering them that's comfortable for you, and maybe also to think through handling different kinds of responses. I think, basically, that the attitude to take is that a person for whom any such concerns are important is not the person for you right now.)
But as for disclosure off the top, nopity nope.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:56 AM on August 14, 2015
Yet another vote for not on your profile. I wouldn't be put off dating someone on anti-depressants, but I would be put off by that information being on a profile because, to me, it could show oversharing or not understanding of social boundaries. In addition, while I don't think there is any shame in having/treating depression, I also think it is information that you might not want everyone to be privy to, and a dating profile is somewhat public. I've seen acquaintances and co-workers on dating sites, so I know that similar people who I would not be interested in dating could still see whatever information I would put out there.
If I were you, I would probably disclose early on, but after you met in person, and probably after the first date, unless the timing felt right to do it earlier.
posted by Caz721 at 10:09 AM on August 14, 2015
If I were you, I would probably disclose early on, but after you met in person, and probably after the first date, unless the timing felt right to do it earlier.
posted by Caz721 at 10:09 AM on August 14, 2015
Don't tell anyone you don't know and trust. And then tailor what and how you tell to the individual you're telling. How you phrase it will depend on the person's understanding of meds and their uses. You have no obligation to tell anyone anything that doesn't directly affect them. If your depression is fully controlled with meds, then what does it matter? If you are prone to depressive episodes, that's something that is important to disclose before the relationship gets too serious, but not in my view on a first or second date. Test the waters. You may not even be interested in the person. Give yourself a chance to decide whether you have any interest in continuing contact with them before you start listing the pros and cons of being in a relationship with you.
posted by janey47 at 10:24 AM on August 14, 2015
posted by janey47 at 10:24 AM on August 14, 2015
Volunteering the information so early would be weird.
If it really is a dealbreaker for someone, the onus is on them to ask.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:22 AM on August 14, 2015
If it really is a dealbreaker for someone, the onus is on them to ask.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:22 AM on August 14, 2015
Depression and meds can be a good filter for people who aren't the worst, but I would still err on the side of waiting a bit to disclose. The whole online dating system leads to people looking for reasons to rule out matches, which means there are people who might not really be the worst who would still skip over you if you emphasize this in your profile. I think if you wait until a couple of dates in, they'll know you as a person, and be able to incorporate this new information into what they've learned about you from face-to-face interaction rather than having it be one of a handful of data points on a computer screen. I think (and hope) that most people will respond well to you feeling comfortable enough to share this important (but not deal breaking) information with them a few dates into getting to know them.
posted by earth by april at 11:28 AM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by earth by april at 11:28 AM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Not on your profile. Medical privacy is a huge thing for a reason, and this isn't something everyone in the world has a right to know about you. If you put it on your profile, you're not just telling the people you wind up going out with, you're telling the world.
That said, I'd disclose it pretty early on, because I don't think it would be fair to proceed past the very early getting-to-know-you stage of a relationship without making the other person aware that you have a mental illness that could affect your behavior and emotions towards them. There's a large qualitative difference between mental illnesses and most other not-immediately-obvious medical conditions in terms of the impact on the people close to the sufferer. I sympathize with people's concerns about stigma but I don't think ignoring the differences is fair or reasonable, either. Having someone you're in the early stages of a relationship with have an allergic reaction and have to use an EpiPen on a date is one thing, and having them go through a relapse of depression and suddenly and abruptly go no contact or do a 180 in personality and start acting awful, especially if you aren't aware of the fact that mental illness could be a factor.
I'd say disclose it sometime after you've decided on a second date, if it goes that far, but before the end of the third. Definitely not on the first date, but basically around the point where you're both starting to get interested in each other as people beyond "oh hey that profile looks cute". That's going to be as much to your benefit as theirs, since you wouldn't want to waste your time on a person who is going to suddenly decide it's a dealbreaker even if you've been getting along really well for months.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 11:36 AM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
That said, I'd disclose it pretty early on, because I don't think it would be fair to proceed past the very early getting-to-know-you stage of a relationship without making the other person aware that you have a mental illness that could affect your behavior and emotions towards them. There's a large qualitative difference between mental illnesses and most other not-immediately-obvious medical conditions in terms of the impact on the people close to the sufferer. I sympathize with people's concerns about stigma but I don't think ignoring the differences is fair or reasonable, either. Having someone you're in the early stages of a relationship with have an allergic reaction and have to use an EpiPen on a date is one thing, and having them go through a relapse of depression and suddenly and abruptly go no contact or do a 180 in personality and start acting awful, especially if you aren't aware of the fact that mental illness could be a factor.
I'd say disclose it sometime after you've decided on a second date, if it goes that far, but before the end of the third. Definitely not on the first date, but basically around the point where you're both starting to get interested in each other as people beyond "oh hey that profile looks cute". That's going to be as much to your benefit as theirs, since you wouldn't want to waste your time on a person who is going to suddenly decide it's a dealbreaker even if you've been getting along really well for months.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 11:36 AM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Forget about potential suitors. You never know who else may be stumbling upon (or deliberately seeking) your profile. Never, ever volunteer medical information about yourself unless you know who exactly is seeing it.
posted by mkultra at 12:37 PM on August 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by mkultra at 12:37 PM on August 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would not disclose it, but if it's affecting your libido or sexual performance negatively, that is something to mention during the butt sniffing phase of the relationship when you're determining if you're sexually compatible with someone. You don't need to disclose what's causing it, but if you have a really low sex drive as a result of antidepressants, it's important to find a partner that won't be a problem with.
posted by Candleman at 2:14 PM on August 14, 2015
posted by Candleman at 2:14 PM on August 14, 2015
This is not their business yet. Don't disclose it. Wait until you are in an exclusive relationship.
In the mean time, rule out anyone who openly states that depression or medication for the same is a deal-breaker. That's really discriminatory, and do you really want to be in a relationship with someone like THAT?
posted by tckma at 2:48 PM on August 14, 2015
In the mean time, rule out anyone who openly states that depression or medication for the same is a deal-breaker. That's really discriminatory, and do you really want to be in a relationship with someone like THAT?
posted by tckma at 2:48 PM on August 14, 2015
I wouldn't 'disclose' depression any more than I would 'disclose' a pollen allergy. actually cat allergies would be much more important to disclose on a dating profile. If your depression is not under control then hold off on dating until you can make it not the other person's problem.
posted by Salamandrous at 3:16 PM on August 14, 2015
posted by Salamandrous at 3:16 PM on August 14, 2015
I agree that this is not something you should talk about in the written part of any dating website's profile, but OKCupid has a "could you date someone who was on antidepressants?" match question, and you could rate that as a "very important" question to have the site automatically filter out any people who would consider it a dealbreaker. You can also opt to answer that question privately, where other site users won't be able to see it but it will still affect the people you're matched highly with.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 5:59 PM on August 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by moonlight on vermont at 5:59 PM on August 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
I agree with the consensus and I'll add another reason to the pile. Plenty of wonderful people have no problem dating someone who is being treated for depression, which is lucky for them considering its prevalence. However, in the hyper-judgmental online dating world, some people will assume that anyone who would think to mention depression in their profile is not in a mentally stable enough place to enter into a long term relationship. Given our society's general ignorance on the topic, I don't think it's deceptive to wait until a person gets to know you a bit before you disclose this information.
posted by hooves at 6:32 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by hooves at 6:32 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
There's nothing wrong with you for being depressed and on medication. There's nothing to be ashamed of. If you want to disclose it, there's nothing wrong with that either.
Yes, it isn't the way it's generally done, and folks will look down on you for mentioning it, not necessarily because you have depression, but because it makes you look socially awkward. Do you care if you come across as socially awkward? Is attracting people who care about social awkwardness important to you? Do you feel like you understand why folks would be this judgmental, or does this seem a little neurotic?
Other people are saying you shouldn't mention it to protect your privacy. Do you actually care if anyone knows? Are you keeping this a secret from anyone? Can you think of any way this information could be used against you?
There are good reasons for not mentioning it, but these reasons are culture-specific, and not absolutes. If you feel it's important to mention it, go for it, and be proud of thinking for yourself and doing what you think is right.
posted by sam_harms at 6:45 PM on August 14, 2015
Yes, it isn't the way it's generally done, and folks will look down on you for mentioning it, not necessarily because you have depression, but because it makes you look socially awkward. Do you care if you come across as socially awkward? Is attracting people who care about social awkwardness important to you? Do you feel like you understand why folks would be this judgmental, or does this seem a little neurotic?
Other people are saying you shouldn't mention it to protect your privacy. Do you actually care if anyone knows? Are you keeping this a secret from anyone? Can you think of any way this information could be used against you?
There are good reasons for not mentioning it, but these reasons are culture-specific, and not absolutes. If you feel it's important to mention it, go for it, and be proud of thinking for yourself and doing what you think is right.
posted by sam_harms at 6:45 PM on August 14, 2015
Personally, if someone mentioned a psychiatric condition in their profile, but they seemed otherwise normal and functional, I wouldn't bat an eye.
posted by sam_harms at 6:48 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by sam_harms at 6:48 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Wow, I didn't even tell my long-term boyfriend when I was on antidepressants for anxiety for almost a year. I wasn't comfortable doing so, so I didn't ever tell him. Maybe some people would disagree with this, but my anxiety did not really impact our relationship and I didn't want to involve him in that part of my inner life. You don't ever have to tell anyone who is not your doctor your private medical information.
posted by sockermom at 6:45 AM on August 15, 2015
posted by sockermom at 6:45 AM on August 15, 2015
Agree with the others. I also pointed out that, sadly, there will be those who look especially for people with depression issues so they can exploit them in one or more ways. I bet you'd get a lot of guys, at the very least, just wanting to tell you their troubles and medication problems. And worse.
posted by mermaidcafe at 8:36 PM on August 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by mermaidcafe at 8:36 PM on August 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
cotton dress sock is on point as usual:
"That said - is part of the reason you're thinking about disclosing on the site itself that you're still recovering, possibly anxious about then feeling obliged to explain where you're at and what you're doing, maybe hoping this might head off other kinds of judgements about your life? If so, I think that's worth thinking through and developing a strategy for - maybe in therapy, if you've got access to that.
(Because in that case, maybe the kinds of judgements you're anticipating are unlikely to begin with. Or, maybe they are questions that might come up for people, in which case it would help to come up with a way of answering them that's comfortable for you, and maybe also to think through handling different kinds of responses. I think, basically, that the attitude to take is that a person for whom any such concerns are important is not the person for you right now.)"
posted by pos at 7:26 AM on August 17, 2015
"That said - is part of the reason you're thinking about disclosing on the site itself that you're still recovering, possibly anxious about then feeling obliged to explain where you're at and what you're doing, maybe hoping this might head off other kinds of judgements about your life? If so, I think that's worth thinking through and developing a strategy for - maybe in therapy, if you've got access to that.
(Because in that case, maybe the kinds of judgements you're anticipating are unlikely to begin with. Or, maybe they are questions that might come up for people, in which case it would help to come up with a way of answering them that's comfortable for you, and maybe also to think through handling different kinds of responses. I think, basically, that the attitude to take is that a person for whom any such concerns are important is not the person for you right now.)"
posted by pos at 7:26 AM on August 17, 2015
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