Dealing with Elderly parent, and nasty sibling
August 12, 2015 1:04 PM Subscribe
My dad, after breaking his hip earlier this summer just fell and broke his Femur. He's about to go through surgery again. Help me navigate what to expect for him and the minefields with dealing with difficult family members in this tense and upsetting situation.
My dad is in his late 70s and fell and broke his hip earlier this summer. I have two sisters that do not work and could spend copious amounts of time with him both in the hospital during his recovery and at the assisted living facility he had to move into during recovery.
I work a full time very demanding job, have a one year old baby and am pregnant with my second due in February. I used all my vacation time up during my first maternity leave (which was just a year ago) and will pretty much have no paid leave for the second baby (due in February) and am trying to save my sick leave for the upcoming maternity leave. My one sister does not understand that I cannot leave my job and be at my dad's bedside for hours/days on end. She constantly criticizes me and says that I'll regret this when he dies.
So basically, I have two questions and would appreciate any guidance from those who have gone through something similar.
(1) My dad's condition is bad - this is his second fracture in about a month and a half. During the first surgery he has a small stroke and his dementia went from early to advanced. He also has diabetes and kidney disease. How long will he live? How much time do I take off given my limitations to spend with him?
(2) How do I deal with my nasty sister who has no sense at all of the time constraints and demands I am facing on a daily basis with my baby, job, pregnancy, etc.? I'd love to cut her off completely. How do I do this?
TIA
My dad is in his late 70s and fell and broke his hip earlier this summer. I have two sisters that do not work and could spend copious amounts of time with him both in the hospital during his recovery and at the assisted living facility he had to move into during recovery.
I work a full time very demanding job, have a one year old baby and am pregnant with my second due in February. I used all my vacation time up during my first maternity leave (which was just a year ago) and will pretty much have no paid leave for the second baby (due in February) and am trying to save my sick leave for the upcoming maternity leave. My one sister does not understand that I cannot leave my job and be at my dad's bedside for hours/days on end. She constantly criticizes me and says that I'll regret this when he dies.
So basically, I have two questions and would appreciate any guidance from those who have gone through something similar.
(1) My dad's condition is bad - this is his second fracture in about a month and a half. During the first surgery he has a small stroke and his dementia went from early to advanced. He also has diabetes and kidney disease. How long will he live? How much time do I take off given my limitations to spend with him?
(2) How do I deal with my nasty sister who has no sense at all of the time constraints and demands I am facing on a daily basis with my baby, job, pregnancy, etc.? I'd love to cut her off completely. How do I do this?
TIA
How much time do I take off given my limitations to spend with him?
Depends on: How much sick time do you have? How disastrous will the outcome be if you have no paycheck during maternity leave? How advanced is his dementia? Does he know you're there? Do you know he's there?
posted by bleep at 1:22 PM on August 12, 2015
Depends on: How much sick time do you have? How disastrous will the outcome be if you have no paycheck during maternity leave? How advanced is his dementia? Does he know you're there? Do you know he's there?
posted by bleep at 1:22 PM on August 12, 2015
She constantly criticizes me and says that I'll regret this when he dies.
This is a seriously, seriously fucked-up thing to say and I hope you do not internalize it.
I've had to take care of (in the manner you describe) of a whole bunch of my relatives with some assholes always on the sidelines. At some point I, well, snapped and then just stopped dealing with them, which mostly involved not taking their calls and doing whatever it was I thought was best to do without their advice and without informing them. None of them were siblings, which complicates things, but I regret nothing regardless of how any of them told me I would feel if I didn't do the exact thing they wanted me to do (that they, themselves, would not do.)
Also, when my mom was dying and I mentioned that I was feeling guilty about not going to the hospital enough, someone told me that the amount that I decided I was comfortable with seeing her was the right amount to see her. And in retrospect they were totally correct.
posted by griphus at 1:22 PM on August 12, 2015 [17 favorites]
This is a seriously, seriously fucked-up thing to say and I hope you do not internalize it.
I've had to take care of (in the manner you describe) of a whole bunch of my relatives with some assholes always on the sidelines. At some point I, well, snapped and then just stopped dealing with them, which mostly involved not taking their calls and doing whatever it was I thought was best to do without their advice and without informing them. None of them were siblings, which complicates things, but I regret nothing regardless of how any of them told me I would feel if I didn't do the exact thing they wanted me to do (that they, themselves, would not do.)
Also, when my mom was dying and I mentioned that I was feeling guilty about not going to the hospital enough, someone told me that the amount that I decided I was comfortable with seeing her was the right amount to see her. And in retrospect they were totally correct.
posted by griphus at 1:22 PM on August 12, 2015 [17 favorites]
I was a long-distance secondary caregiver in an elder care situation.
(1) Nobody can answer how long he will live. You take off as much time as you can manage given your limitations.
(2) I don't know if you can. My brother the primary caregiver for mom could not understand why I couldn't do more for her when I was living and working 200 miles away from mom. You are not being selfish when you attend to other obligations in your life, especially when two of those obligations are babies.
Do try and spend as much time as you can with your dad. You won't regret this situation when he dies, but you will regret not asking him all those questions a child might ask of a dying parent.
posted by Rob Rockets at 1:26 PM on August 12, 2015
(1) Nobody can answer how long he will live. You take off as much time as you can manage given your limitations.
(2) I don't know if you can. My brother the primary caregiver for mom could not understand why I couldn't do more for her when I was living and working 200 miles away from mom. You are not being selfish when you attend to other obligations in your life, especially when two of those obligations are babies.
Do try and spend as much time as you can with your dad. You won't regret this situation when he dies, but you will regret not asking him all those questions a child might ask of a dying parent.
posted by Rob Rockets at 1:26 PM on August 12, 2015
I'm sure she's scared and hurting in all of this too, and that may be what you're seeing here. It's ok for you to set boundaries for what you and your immediate family need right now. You are facing a lot of changes and a lot of demands on your time. Decide for yourself what you are able to offer and set that out in clear terms. In the course of that conversation, though, ask your sisters what you can do to help within those constraints. It's not clear if you live nearby, but maybe you could offer an evening or two to give them a break from the hospital. Or you could arrange for food to be delivered, or you could help with making calls about rehab or other services your dad will need going forward.
In terms of regret, it's hard to predict what will and what will not be a regret. You may regret time not spent with him, or you may regret time not spent with your partner and child. Unfortunately this is one of those situations where there is not a perfect solution that will satisfy everyone's needs. So you need to triage; what is the most immediate crisis? What resources can I put forward for this? What should I plan for next? I know it's so hard but try not to second guess, and be sure you are taking time for self-care in all of this as well.
posted by goggie at 1:27 PM on August 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
In terms of regret, it's hard to predict what will and what will not be a regret. You may regret time not spent with him, or you may regret time not spent with your partner and child. Unfortunately this is one of those situations where there is not a perfect solution that will satisfy everyone's needs. So you need to triage; what is the most immediate crisis? What resources can I put forward for this? What should I plan for next? I know it's so hard but try not to second guess, and be sure you are taking time for self-care in all of this as well.
posted by goggie at 1:27 PM on August 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
Ugh, that is awful - but is also about her and not anything you are lacking. As to your questions, there is no way for anyone to tell about his remaining life, really. His health care team can give you an idea, but there is a pretty broad spectrum. I would assume he will be living for quite a while and not take off additional time due to your other, more pressing priorities.
For your sister: I would first see how the third sister feels about the nasty sister's remarks (maybe she is being told she isn't doing enough either) and see if the two of you have a conversation with the nasty one to tone her down. Are there any other family members (that she respects) that could speak to her? If that is not possible, I would draw myself up, look her dead in the eye and tell her "My father raised me to be a better person, he put his own children first and he would expect me to do the same now I am a mother. He is proud of how well I have been able to work, look after his grandchild, and nurture his unborn grandchild. I have no regrets about the quality of time I spend with Dad. I hope you change your attitude so that in the future you do not end up regretting the damage you have done to our relationship. Dad would be disappointed in how you are treating me. Please do not contact me, I am able to maintain my own relationship with Dad." You don't need to maintain a relationship with her right now, whatever she is dealing (poorly) with in her life, isn't your burden to carry.
If your dad has a social worker I would give them a head's up about the family dynamics (sadly, pretty familiar to them) and also make sure your Dad's Health Care team keeps you in the loop and does not make major decisions without your input.
posted by saucysault at 1:28 PM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
For your sister: I would first see how the third sister feels about the nasty sister's remarks (maybe she is being told she isn't doing enough either) and see if the two of you have a conversation with the nasty one to tone her down. Are there any other family members (that she respects) that could speak to her? If that is not possible, I would draw myself up, look her dead in the eye and tell her "My father raised me to be a better person, he put his own children first and he would expect me to do the same now I am a mother. He is proud of how well I have been able to work, look after his grandchild, and nurture his unborn grandchild. I have no regrets about the quality of time I spend with Dad. I hope you change your attitude so that in the future you do not end up regretting the damage you have done to our relationship. Dad would be disappointed in how you are treating me. Please do not contact me, I am able to maintain my own relationship with Dad." You don't need to maintain a relationship with her right now, whatever she is dealing (poorly) with in her life, isn't your burden to carry.
If your dad has a social worker I would give them a head's up about the family dynamics (sadly, pretty familiar to them) and also make sure your Dad's Health Care team keeps you in the loop and does not make major decisions without your input.
posted by saucysault at 1:28 PM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, regarding how long he'll live: you'll probably never get a straight answer out of anyone. The only person who ever gave me an estimate was a hospice nurse who just called me and said "it's soon" (and it happened the next day.) Everyone else at the hospitals/facilities/etc. would just shrug and tell me there's nothing they can say for sure. I don't know if they didn't think I could handle it, or wanted to hear something different than the truth, or if it was a liability thing, but it was definitely consistent across the board for a good number of people.
posted by griphus at 1:31 PM on August 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by griphus at 1:31 PM on August 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
You didn't mention whether your sisters have children or other responsibilities at home. Being fully responsible for an elderly/sick parent is emotionally and physically exhausting. If your sister(s) still have family responsibilities that they're trying to handle as well as being the point person for your dad, they might be overwhelmed. Granted, one sister isn't behaving well but is it a possibility that she needs a break from handling everything?
posted by hollygoheavy at 1:44 PM on August 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by hollygoheavy at 1:44 PM on August 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
Who is your dad's POA and health care proxy? If you do not have this documents in place, it should be your #1 priority.
How much care does he need? Is the idea of visiting to keep him company, or does he require more care than the ALF provides? He may need to be in a nursing facility instead. What stage of dementia is he at? Some with dementia lives up to 25 years in this time of constant medical intervention.
Perhaps you could volunteer to do any bill paying or online shopping or other things you could do from home, to help out, in lieu of visiting. You should also encourage your sisters to have lives and not be constantly caring for your Dad.
Alzheimer caregiver boards are filled with just your type of story--families implode when stressed in this way. Everyone's in a terrible situation and it is unfair. Try to work with your siblings so each one gets a break from caregiving and has some responsibility in a reasonable way. Naturally, your priority is and should be your children and your work, and you may not be able to stop your siblings from feeling abandoned, but realize that everyone is having a sucky time. (I'm an only child who is the sole caregiver of demented mom in an ALF; I'd love to have someone else she could call to deal with every little thing, so that's my two cents.)
posted by Riverine at 1:45 PM on August 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
How much care does he need? Is the idea of visiting to keep him company, or does he require more care than the ALF provides? He may need to be in a nursing facility instead. What stage of dementia is he at? Some with dementia lives up to 25 years in this time of constant medical intervention.
Perhaps you could volunteer to do any bill paying or online shopping or other things you could do from home, to help out, in lieu of visiting. You should also encourage your sisters to have lives and not be constantly caring for your Dad.
Alzheimer caregiver boards are filled with just your type of story--families implode when stressed in this way. Everyone's in a terrible situation and it is unfair. Try to work with your siblings so each one gets a break from caregiving and has some responsibility in a reasonable way. Naturally, your priority is and should be your children and your work, and you may not be able to stop your siblings from feeling abandoned, but realize that everyone is having a sucky time. (I'm an only child who is the sole caregiver of demented mom in an ALF; I'd love to have someone else she could call to deal with every little thing, so that's my two cents.)
posted by Riverine at 1:45 PM on August 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
Also, try not to just cut your sister off right now. This is a really upsetting situation for all of you involved and after the new baby is here and things are more settled with your father, you may find that you feel very differently than you do now.
posted by hollygoheavy at 1:46 PM on August 12, 2015
posted by hollygoheavy at 1:46 PM on August 12, 2015
My Grandma was ill and needed a lot of support for the last few years of her life. Watching the dynamics between my Dad and his siblings made me sad.
One aunt took on the lion's share of the support - it basically became a full-time job, in addition to her full-time job. Another family member pitched in when asked, but not much other than that. The other two siblings, both of whom (also) had full-time jobs and were more distant geographically were more passive.
The aunt that took on the lion's share of the support had several knock-down drag-out fights with her siblings. She was exhausted. I'd never seen her so tired, and at the same time, Grandma really needed every ounce of her engagement to have a somewhat decent quality of life. The aunt begged - and insisted - that her siblings do more to help. Which they kinda did, to greater and lesser degrees.
My Grandma passed a while ago. Some time after she passed, my aunt revealed to me that she had considered cutting off two of her three siblings entirely because she perceived them as being absent and leaving everything on her. She told me she'd decided to let it go, but still resents the fact that all of the work and support fell primarily on her.
There is absolutely no excuse for the cruel remarks your sibling has made. And, you need to make the right decision for you. But, as hollygoheavy remarks above, being fully responsible for a parent is incredibly taxing. I wonder if this might be at play? If so, is there a way you can support your siblings from afar (helping coordinate appointments in the evenings at home on your computer, returning dr's office calls, etc.) to take the load off?
I would also send your sister a message in some safe format telling her that you were hurt by her comments, and would like to ask her to stop saying things like that to you. I'd also tell her that if she persists, you will not be able to take her calls and will forward her messages unread to X (husband/wife/friend) to filter for you.
Good luck. This sounds like an incredibly stressful time.
posted by arnicae at 1:52 PM on August 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
One aunt took on the lion's share of the support - it basically became a full-time job, in addition to her full-time job. Another family member pitched in when asked, but not much other than that. The other two siblings, both of whom (also) had full-time jobs and were more distant geographically were more passive.
The aunt that took on the lion's share of the support had several knock-down drag-out fights with her siblings. She was exhausted. I'd never seen her so tired, and at the same time, Grandma really needed every ounce of her engagement to have a somewhat decent quality of life. The aunt begged - and insisted - that her siblings do more to help. Which they kinda did, to greater and lesser degrees.
My Grandma passed a while ago. Some time after she passed, my aunt revealed to me that she had considered cutting off two of her three siblings entirely because she perceived them as being absent and leaving everything on her. She told me she'd decided to let it go, but still resents the fact that all of the work and support fell primarily on her.
There is absolutely no excuse for the cruel remarks your sibling has made. And, you need to make the right decision for you. But, as hollygoheavy remarks above, being fully responsible for a parent is incredibly taxing. I wonder if this might be at play? If so, is there a way you can support your siblings from afar (helping coordinate appointments in the evenings at home on your computer, returning dr's office calls, etc.) to take the load off?
I would also send your sister a message in some safe format telling her that you were hurt by her comments, and would like to ask her to stop saying things like that to you. I'd also tell her that if she persists, you will not be able to take her calls and will forward her messages unread to X (husband/wife/friend) to filter for you.
Good luck. This sounds like an incredibly stressful time.
posted by arnicae at 1:52 PM on August 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
Frankly, these two sentences seem a little contradictory to me:
I have two sisters that do not work and could spend copious amounts of time with him.
How do I deal with my nasty sister who has no sense at all of the time constraints and demands I am facing on a daily basis with my baby, job, pregnancy, etc.?
In the first sentence, you basically dismiss any inquiry into the other demands in their lives, and in the latter you're hurt by their failure to reciprocate that.
In every caregiver situation I've seen like that, their has been a huge amount of resentment and burnout on the part of the caregiver that "could" be there, that everyone else dismissed the fact that they had made sacrifices and choices to be there. And that even if it was easier logistically for them to be there, that it didn't have a huge impact on their life. So some of the pushback from your sister make come from that place.
Because this work is hard for everyone. There is no black and white line that it's disruptive or impossible for you and easy for her. I know for me, if you were just saying "I need to save my leave for maternity leave, I can't come." My emotional response would be: "You could come, you've chosen not to."
So, to answer you questions about dealing with your sister - instead of having the battle of determining what you can't do, could you ask her what it would be valuable for you to do, and lay out what you could do.
It sounds like these are hard times for everyone involved, and I don't mean to be critical of your totally natural perspective on this, but I think that understanding your sisters feelings will help reduce the conflict.
posted by mercredi at 2:25 PM on August 12, 2015 [12 favorites]
I have two sisters that do not work and could spend copious amounts of time with him.
How do I deal with my nasty sister who has no sense at all of the time constraints and demands I am facing on a daily basis with my baby, job, pregnancy, etc.?
In the first sentence, you basically dismiss any inquiry into the other demands in their lives, and in the latter you're hurt by their failure to reciprocate that.
In every caregiver situation I've seen like that, their has been a huge amount of resentment and burnout on the part of the caregiver that "could" be there, that everyone else dismissed the fact that they had made sacrifices and choices to be there. And that even if it was easier logistically for them to be there, that it didn't have a huge impact on their life. So some of the pushback from your sister make come from that place.
Because this work is hard for everyone. There is no black and white line that it's disruptive or impossible for you and easy for her. I know for me, if you were just saying "I need to save my leave for maternity leave, I can't come." My emotional response would be: "You could come, you've chosen not to."
So, to answer you questions about dealing with your sister - instead of having the battle of determining what you can't do, could you ask her what it would be valuable for you to do, and lay out what you could do.
It sounds like these are hard times for everyone involved, and I don't mean to be critical of your totally natural perspective on this, but I think that understanding your sisters feelings will help reduce the conflict.
posted by mercredi at 2:25 PM on August 12, 2015 [12 favorites]
How long will he live?
My husband works with seniors and he sees a lot of clients similar to your father if not worse. By themselves, dementia/stroke/diabetes/etc. do not necessarily mean that the end is near, plus your father just moved to an assisted living facility where he'll hopefully be having less falls and better care/medication management, plus the social interaction. It could easily be years before he gets worse.
How do I deal with my nasty sister?
Would it work to turn the tables on her? The next time she tells you how you must go see your father, tell her that you couldn't agree more and that the way to make that happen is for her to do X (take your kid to appointments, clean your house... whatever would free up a chunk of your time).
In my experience, relatives that pester you with "you absolutely must do this" stop real fast when there is a little sacrifice involved on their end.
posted by rada at 3:17 PM on August 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
My husband works with seniors and he sees a lot of clients similar to your father if not worse. By themselves, dementia/stroke/diabetes/etc. do not necessarily mean that the end is near, plus your father just moved to an assisted living facility where he'll hopefully be having less falls and better care/medication management, plus the social interaction. It could easily be years before he gets worse.
How do I deal with my nasty sister?
Would it work to turn the tables on her? The next time she tells you how you must go see your father, tell her that you couldn't agree more and that the way to make that happen is for her to do X (take your kid to appointments, clean your house... whatever would free up a chunk of your time).
In my experience, relatives that pester you with "you absolutely must do this" stop real fast when there is a little sacrifice involved on their end.
posted by rada at 3:17 PM on August 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
The only person who ever gave me an estimate was a hospice nurse who just called me and said "it's soon" (and it happened the next day.) Everyone else at the hospitals/facilities/etc. would just shrug and tell me there's nothing they can say for sure.
Yes to this 100%. No doctor will ever tell you the truth, but a hospice worker will know, and tell you, to within a day or so.
posted by poffin boffin at 3:33 PM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yes to this 100%. No doctor will ever tell you the truth, but a hospice worker will know, and tell you, to within a day or so.
posted by poffin boffin at 3:33 PM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was thinking much the same thing as hollygoheavy, arnicae and mercredi - even if your sisters don't have other constraints on their time, they may be weary from the emotional load of caring, especially if they are still reeling from the earlier hospitalisation. What your sister said to you was harsh and unkind (and quite possibly untrue) but I wonder if approaching this from a place of compassion would yield better results than a smackdown.
FWIW, my mother passed away after a year-long illness (cancer, not dementia) and I basically dropped everything to spend time with her - I was working part-time and studying part-time, but I basically abandoned my studies and my other community commitments. In hindsight, part of me is glad I did this, and I feel like I couldn't have done more for her, which made my grief after her passing easier to bear. However, once she was gone, I regretted having let everything else go - it put me years behind in my career, and did damage to my relationship with my partner that has taken a long time to repair. So I think there's a good chance you'll have regrets once your father is gone, one way or the other, but I wouldn't assume that any course of action you choose will avoid that.
posted by Cheese Monster at 3:40 PM on August 12, 2015 [9 favorites]
FWIW, my mother passed away after a year-long illness (cancer, not dementia) and I basically dropped everything to spend time with her - I was working part-time and studying part-time, but I basically abandoned my studies and my other community commitments. In hindsight, part of me is glad I did this, and I feel like I couldn't have done more for her, which made my grief after her passing easier to bear. However, once she was gone, I regretted having let everything else go - it put me years behind in my career, and did damage to my relationship with my partner that has taken a long time to repair. So I think there's a good chance you'll have regrets once your father is gone, one way or the other, but I wouldn't assume that any course of action you choose will avoid that.
posted by Cheese Monster at 3:40 PM on August 12, 2015 [9 favorites]
You seem to be really stressed, and I am sorry.
When you say that the sisters "could spend copious amounts of time with Dad", are you saying that they were *in a position* to spend that time with him, or that they actually *did* spend that time with him? Because that sounds really draining. Taking care of a sick parent day in and day out just takes a lot out of you.
I was in a similar situation with my Dad after he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I have a brother who has three kids and a demanding job, and I am a single woman with no kids (but also a very demanding job of my own). So I became the default person to take care of Dad's physical, medical, and emotional needs, because my brother just didn't feel like he he had any energy left to give. This was difficult for me, because it sounded like he regarded anything that put a strain on him as excessive but took my own caretaking for granted because I didn't have kids.
From that perspective, I think that your sisters might not necessarily be nasty. They might feel emotionally drained, and just desperately wanting relief. Of course you know them best, they might be just unpleasant people in general.
That said, even if they are unkind, they are still taking care of someone you love. Maybe there is a way you could give your Dad support without physically showing up? Financial help? Logistics? Recruiting other family members or friends to help?
I hope you find a way of dealing with the situation that makes you feel at peace.
*Hugs*
posted by M. at 9:11 AM on August 13, 2015
When you say that the sisters "could spend copious amounts of time with Dad", are you saying that they were *in a position* to spend that time with him, or that they actually *did* spend that time with him? Because that sounds really draining. Taking care of a sick parent day in and day out just takes a lot out of you.
I was in a similar situation with my Dad after he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I have a brother who has three kids and a demanding job, and I am a single woman with no kids (but also a very demanding job of my own). So I became the default person to take care of Dad's physical, medical, and emotional needs, because my brother just didn't feel like he he had any energy left to give. This was difficult for me, because it sounded like he regarded anything that put a strain on him as excessive but took my own caretaking for granted because I didn't have kids.
From that perspective, I think that your sisters might not necessarily be nasty. They might feel emotionally drained, and just desperately wanting relief. Of course you know them best, they might be just unpleasant people in general.
That said, even if they are unkind, they are still taking care of someone you love. Maybe there is a way you could give your Dad support without physically showing up? Financial help? Logistics? Recruiting other family members or friends to help?
I hope you find a way of dealing with the situation that makes you feel at peace.
*Hugs*
posted by M. at 9:11 AM on August 13, 2015
Your sister is being nasty to you and she constantly criticizes you and sorry, it does not matter how stressed she feels: there is absolutely no call for that. Just because she is able to spend more time with your dad than you are does not grant her some moral superiority that you need to defer to and bend over backwards to empathize with. Hell no. You are pregnant and have a 1 year old baby who takes priority here, and you work full time with not enough vacation to spend on this. I 100% get what you are saying, and feel like folks in this thread are being too harsh on you and not harsh enough on your sister who is the nasty one. You are too legitimately busy to offer help at this time, who cares if Nasty Sister refuses to understand this?
You should feel free to cut her right the fuck out of your life. Folks here are excusing her abuse towards you by ignoring some of the key facts you've shared: it's not like she is the only person in your family doing the work here, she has your other non-working sister to lean on, plus the professional caregivers at your father's care facility. Give me a break, this is not grounds for her to punish you. Ugh, she sucks and I'm so sorry she is choosing to make a sad, tough situation even worse.
posted by hush at 11:26 AM on August 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
You should feel free to cut her right the fuck out of your life. Folks here are excusing her abuse towards you by ignoring some of the key facts you've shared: it's not like she is the only person in your family doing the work here, she has your other non-working sister to lean on, plus the professional caregivers at your father's care facility. Give me a break, this is not grounds for her to punish you. Ugh, she sucks and I'm so sorry she is choosing to make a sad, tough situation even worse.
posted by hush at 11:26 AM on August 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
The fact that you work and have a family does not make your time more precious or valuable than anyone else's. Your sister may just be looking for some validation and appreciation for the fact that she looking after your (and her) parent while your life stays relatively unchanged. Simply because she doesn't formally work doesn't mean she doesn't have a life and other obligations which have been indefinitely put on hold while she does the heavy lifting of looking after and advocating for a terminally ill parent.
This sibling has most definitely expressed herself the wrong way but it sounds like a lot of built up resentment and exhaustion.
You clearly have a lot on which stops you being physically there but there are things you can still do to help out, as other people have said (meals? Cleaning service? Dealing with admin of hospice care via phone or email?) or simply listening to your sister and giving her a safe space to talk about the highly emotional thing she has to deal with every day.
If you really wanted to turn things around, you could send her away for a weekend so she can rest and recharge. Then she may feel less put upon and like you're in this together and that what she's doing is appreciated. You've said that you work and she doesn't, but believe me, this is work, and it's heartbreaking. I feel for everyone involved.
posted by Jubey at 7:09 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
This sibling has most definitely expressed herself the wrong way but it sounds like a lot of built up resentment and exhaustion.
You clearly have a lot on which stops you being physically there but there are things you can still do to help out, as other people have said (meals? Cleaning service? Dealing with admin of hospice care via phone or email?) or simply listening to your sister and giving her a safe space to talk about the highly emotional thing she has to deal with every day.
If you really wanted to turn things around, you could send her away for a weekend so she can rest and recharge. Then she may feel less put upon and like you're in this together and that what she's doing is appreciated. You've said that you work and she doesn't, but believe me, this is work, and it's heartbreaking. I feel for everyone involved.
posted by Jubey at 7:09 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
My god. No, you should not send your abusive, mean, constantly-critical sister on a weekend vacation-- I can't believe that's even an actual suggestion here. Save the nice favors for people who actually treat you like a human being instead of a dog they can kick around. Continue to worry primarily about yourself, your baby, and your pregnancy, and never capitulate to the demands of people like your sister who would use guilt, fear, and manipulation to control you. I wish you well!
posted by hush at 4:32 PM on August 22, 2015
posted by hush at 4:32 PM on August 22, 2015
Hurt people hurt people. That's how pain patterns gets passed on, generation after generation after generation. Break the chain today. Meet anger with sympathy, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness. Greet grimaces with smiles. Forgive and forget about finding fault. Love is the weapon of the future - Yehunda Berg
posted by Jubey at 1:52 AM on August 23, 2015
posted by Jubey at 1:52 AM on August 23, 2015
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How long will he live? How much time do I take off given my limitations to spend with him?
This is a question for your dad's doctors, not Ask Metafilter. Some of the medical professionals here might be able to give you a general answer, but without seeing his chart it's not really feasible for anyone here to answer this for you, unfortunately.
How do I deal with my nasty sister who has no sense at all of the time constraints and demands I am facing on a daily basis with my baby, job, pregnancy, etc.? I'd love to cut her off completely. How do I do this?
Well, you can't make her understand the demands on your time. But you can set boundaries for how, when, and whether she communicates with you.
This might mean insisting that she only contact you X times per week via Email or Text with News about your dad, for example, or some other configuration. If your other sister - who I'm assuming isn't this nasty - is willing to provide you with regular information about your dad's condition, then I think you could even ask Mean Sister to stop contacting you altogether. (Of course, she may ignore you, so be prepared for how you will handle that.)
When she tells you that you'll regret your choices when he dies, you can ask her not to make her concern about your future regrets your problem - basically, if you regret it, you regret it, and it's not her place to harangue you about it.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 1:13 PM on August 12, 2015 [4 favorites]