... and they found him cooked to death in a Scion TC...
August 11, 2015 5:46 AM Subscribe
Am I right to be upset that it's taking my wife so long to buy a new car, given that driving her old car is literally making me sick?
My wife has been "employment challenged" for the last few months and while money has been tight, we've made sacrifices and I have fully supported her. I have a good gig and pay 100% of the mortgage and other household bills. During those troubled times, her car has been on more or less its last legs, but we agreed to put off a new car purchase until we could reasonably afford it.
Recently, she got her dream job -- YAY! -- but since we live in the desert where air temperatures routinely hover around 110, she's begun taking my car to work, leaving me with her old un-air conditioned vehicle in the meantime. Needless to say, driving this car has been debilitating, to say the least, leaving me with serious heat stroke whenever I have to go anywhere of any real distance. While we can carpool to work some days, practically, it means that I'm a prisoner in my own home if she's taken my car, which she often does.
Since she's gainfully employed now, we've agreed that it's time to get a new ride for her. We have the money, that's no problem. She's known this would be an issue for quite awhile -- the AC gave out months ago -- but it's been almost a four weeks since we decided to get her a new car and she says that'll be at least another two weeks before she makes a decision and makes the purchase.
Am I right to be upset about that timeline? What's reasonable given the circumstances?
My wife has been "employment challenged" for the last few months and while money has been tight, we've made sacrifices and I have fully supported her. I have a good gig and pay 100% of the mortgage and other household bills. During those troubled times, her car has been on more or less its last legs, but we agreed to put off a new car purchase until we could reasonably afford it.
Recently, she got her dream job -- YAY! -- but since we live in the desert where air temperatures routinely hover around 110, she's begun taking my car to work, leaving me with her old un-air conditioned vehicle in the meantime. Needless to say, driving this car has been debilitating, to say the least, leaving me with serious heat stroke whenever I have to go anywhere of any real distance. While we can carpool to work some days, practically, it means that I'm a prisoner in my own home if she's taken my car, which she often does.
Since she's gainfully employed now, we've agreed that it's time to get a new ride for her. We have the money, that's no problem. She's known this would be an issue for quite awhile -- the AC gave out months ago -- but it's been almost a four weeks since we decided to get her a new car and she says that'll be at least another two weeks before she makes a decision and makes the purchase.
Am I right to be upset about that timeline? What's reasonable given the circumstances?
I don't understand why it would take her six weeks to decide on a car. Surely your discomfort should matter to her?
I think it may be time to tell her 'That's fine, take as long as you want, as long as you stop borrowing my car, starting next Monday.' That's what I would do.
posted by Too-Ticky at 5:53 AM on August 11, 2015 [46 favorites]
I think it may be time to tell her 'That's fine, take as long as you want, as long as you stop borrowing my car, starting next Monday.' That's what I would do.
posted by Too-Ticky at 5:53 AM on August 11, 2015 [46 favorites]
Well, you're clearly upset. Not sure what will be gained from getting reassurance from strangers that you're "right" about it.
Yes, it's legitimately sucky to be stuck with the shitty old car and yes, it's legitimately sucky to fry because it's summer in the desert and the AC is shot.
Yes, it's legitimate to wish that your spouse would do something on your timeline rather than your own.
Is it worth going to the mat now about a shitty situation that has an actual timeline for resolution? Are there truly no workarounds for the next three weeks?
What's really underneath your upset? Do you feel like she's not supporting you the way you support her? Do you blame her for your discomfort? Are you always impatient?
Is there any way you can see her side of the issue? What is her side? Why does she want more time? You don't mention anything about what's going on with her decisionmaking timeline. Do you know? Does it matter to you? Can you respect it?
posted by Sublimity at 5:56 AM on August 11, 2015 [27 favorites]
Yes, it's legitimately sucky to be stuck with the shitty old car and yes, it's legitimately sucky to fry because it's summer in the desert and the AC is shot.
Yes, it's legitimate to wish that your spouse would do something on your timeline rather than your own.
Is it worth going to the mat now about a shitty situation that has an actual timeline for resolution? Are there truly no workarounds for the next three weeks?
What's really underneath your upset? Do you feel like she's not supporting you the way you support her? Do you blame her for your discomfort? Are you always impatient?
Is there any way you can see her side of the issue? What is her side? Why does she want more time? You don't mention anything about what's going on with her decisionmaking timeline. Do you know? Does it matter to you? Can you respect it?
posted by Sublimity at 5:56 AM on August 11, 2015 [27 favorites]
I think it may be time to tell her 'That's fine, take as long as you want, as long as you stop borrowing my car, starting next Monday.' That's what I would do.
Or take the middle path of renting a car while she shops. Weekly rates are not terrible, especially if it buys you domestic harmony.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:57 AM on August 11, 2015 [53 favorites]
By way of workaround, have you guys looked into how much it would cost/how long it would take to get the AC fixed? Perhaps that would ease things for right now, and maybe help you get a better trade-in value when a new car finally is purchased?
posted by DingoMutt at 5:58 AM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by DingoMutt at 5:58 AM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think it's reasonable to expect a fast resolution to this.
However, when you talk with her about this, you aren't going to get anywhere if you continue to use overly-dramatic language. For example, you have almost certainly not been getting "severe heat stroke" every time you go on a long drive in this car. If you had, you'd have visited the hospital many times recently.
By all means discuss this with her, but be prepared for an eye roll and general lack of enthusiasm if you can't speak coolly and factually to her.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:03 AM on August 11, 2015 [36 favorites]
However, when you talk with her about this, you aren't going to get anywhere if you continue to use overly-dramatic language. For example, you have almost certainly not been getting "severe heat stroke" every time you go on a long drive in this car. If you had, you'd have visited the hospital many times recently.
By all means discuss this with her, but be prepared for an eye roll and general lack of enthusiasm if you can't speak coolly and factually to her.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:03 AM on August 11, 2015 [36 favorites]
Rent a car for a month.
She's right - it's going to take some time to choose, comparison shop, bargain, order, arrange, pay for, pick up a new car. It's unreasonable for either of you to be stuck without ac in the desert in the summer. Solve that problem today - rent a car for a month - then get to work on the bigger problem(s).
It's a few hundred bucks well spent.
posted by Dashy at 6:06 AM on August 11, 2015 [26 favorites]
She's right - it's going to take some time to choose, comparison shop, bargain, order, arrange, pay for, pick up a new car. It's unreasonable for either of you to be stuck without ac in the desert in the summer. Solve that problem today - rent a car for a month - then get to work on the bigger problem(s).
It's a few hundred bucks well spent.
posted by Dashy at 6:06 AM on August 11, 2015 [26 favorites]
If your wife doesn't want to drive her car because the AC is broken, she shouldn't expect you to do so in her place. Part of the reason she's being blase about the decision could be that she's got your car and she doesn't have to deal with the heat so it doesn't seem like a big deal. It may be an outta sight, outta mind situation.
Tell her that you're taking your car back and she's in charge of fixing her old car, choosing her new car or renting a temporary car for herself until she feels ready to make a decision. Empower her to make the decisions at her pace while you get your car back.
posted by i feel possessed at 6:09 AM on August 11, 2015 [27 favorites]
Tell her that you're taking your car back and she's in charge of fixing her old car, choosing her new car or renting a temporary car for herself until she feels ready to make a decision. Empower her to make the decisions at her pace while you get your car back.
posted by i feel possessed at 6:09 AM on August 11, 2015 [27 favorites]
You're talking about a purchase that is over ten thousand dollars, possibly much over that. Taking over a month to research and purchase this is not a bad idea.
Rent a car for a month -- it's surprisingly affordable -- and just save everyone some stress.
It isn't clear to me why your wife has been driving your car -- do you work from home? But it doesn't matter, really. This way she can drive your car or the rented car, whichever makes more sense, and you can still drive a car with air conditioning.
And then you can find out why she has been ignoring your issues with the heat. Did you tell her how you can't drive her car? Did she think you were exaggerating? Is she concerned that the dream job won't work out and she's scared about money?
posted by jeather at 6:14 AM on August 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
Rent a car for a month -- it's surprisingly affordable -- and just save everyone some stress.
It isn't clear to me why your wife has been driving your car -- do you work from home? But it doesn't matter, really. This way she can drive your car or the rented car, whichever makes more sense, and you can still drive a car with air conditioning.
And then you can find out why she has been ignoring your issues with the heat. Did you tell her how you can't drive her car? Did she think you were exaggerating? Is she concerned that the dream job won't work out and she's scared about money?
posted by jeather at 6:14 AM on August 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
A/C is cheap to fix - it probably just needs re-gassing. Mine cost £50 last summer at KwikFit (UK cheapo tyre chain). In the US, JiffyLube seems to be the same sort of thing. Try that route first.
Secondly why is she using your car? Go back to her using hers and you using yours. Then she can take as long as she wants picking out a new car without affecting you - I would not want to feel rushed into such a large purchase either.
posted by tinkletown at 6:19 AM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Secondly why is she using your car? Go back to her using hers and you using yours. Then she can take as long as she wants picking out a new car without affecting you - I would not want to feel rushed into such a large purchase either.
posted by tinkletown at 6:19 AM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think your wife is in the wrong here, but I also think this is probably about more than the car. You sound a little dramatic here unless you have a health condition that you have not mentioned (heat stroke? You can't just open the window??). That said, your wife's behavior is pretty inconsiderate. I'd just let her know that you need the car to (get to work, go to the gym, wherever it is that you want to be going in it), and that's that. The easiest solution is just renting a car. Another reasonable solution would be for her to just have your car, and you buy a new car. (My dad has literally driven into the driveway with a new (used) car before...I can't say it went over the BEST with my mom, but...the broken old car problem was fixed pretty much immediately.) If she refuses to do either of these, you guys have bigger problems, but at that point I'd probably just tell her that you need your car and she's going to have to use her own (whether that be her own old car or her own new car.)
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:20 AM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:20 AM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Sounds like a lot of resentment going on here. It sounds like you feel as though you've given and given during her lack of employment, and now that she's employed you have to give some more by not having a comfortable car.
It might be worth it to investigate why that is. Did she ask you to make these sacrifices? Did you agree on it together? Was it ok at the beginning but now with the car issue in top of it all, has become too much? Are you in the habit of giving up things to make life better for her, and why? Where is your "giving" limit?
Discussing it in those terms will be more productive than getting upset about the car, which, while annoying, is really not the problem here.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:24 AM on August 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
It might be worth it to investigate why that is. Did she ask you to make these sacrifices? Did you agree on it together? Was it ok at the beginning but now with the car issue in top of it all, has become too much? Are you in the habit of giving up things to make life better for her, and why? Where is your "giving" limit?
Discussing it in those terms will be more productive than getting upset about the car, which, while annoying, is really not the problem here.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:24 AM on August 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
Am I right to be upset
Doesn't matter. You need another way of getting around, and being emotional isn't going to solve the problem.
posted by amtho at 6:38 AM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Doesn't matter. You need another way of getting around, and being emotional isn't going to solve the problem.
posted by amtho at 6:38 AM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Make your car her primary car and you get to pick the new one.
posted by juliplease at 6:39 AM on August 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by juliplease at 6:39 AM on August 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
My feeling at this point is that your wife now has a car. Go buy yourself one.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:39 AM on August 11, 2015 [44 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 6:39 AM on August 11, 2015 [44 favorites]
All the alternatives people have listed seem like good ideas to look into, but I'd just point out that your wife is in the early going of her dream job, and she's probably trying really hard to make a good first impression. Car buying is something most people will want to take time with and get right in the best of circumstances, and she presumably also has a lot on her plate right now. She's being a jerk, but it might not be from malice and I agree with other commenters that you seem pretty over dramatic and kind of unsympathetic and resentful in how you're dealing with this if it's just the car that's the issue.
My feeling at this point is that your wife now has a car. Go buy yourself one.
Unless that was legally the case already, ie she's already the sole legal owner of that car, that would be an unbelievably shitty move on her part and not okay. "Just let your spouse steal your property to avoid marital strife, no big!" isn't good marital advice. I don't think anyone would ever suggest this if the genders were reversed, and I suspect the advice would be very different as well.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 6:56 AM on August 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
My feeling at this point is that your wife now has a car. Go buy yourself one.
Unless that was legally the case already, ie she's already the sole legal owner of that car, that would be an unbelievably shitty move on her part and not okay. "Just let your spouse steal your property to avoid marital strife, no big!" isn't good marital advice. I don't think anyone would ever suggest this if the genders were reversed, and I suspect the advice would be very different as well.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 6:56 AM on August 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
While we can carpool to work some days
Why not all days? I carpool with the other half and the idea that some days she'd just take off without me is bizarre (not counting something stupid like me taking so long to get up that she's going to be late and has to leave before I'm ready), especially if she knew my alternative was a hellish drive in the non-AC vehicle.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 6:58 AM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Why not all days? I carpool with the other half and the idea that some days she'd just take off without me is bizarre (not counting something stupid like me taking so long to get up that she's going to be late and has to leave before I'm ready), especially if she knew my alternative was a hellish drive in the non-AC vehicle.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 6:58 AM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
This isn't about the car or AC. You've got a lot of resentment built up and this is just the way it is manifesting.
You're a team - solve this together like you care about each other, including making each other happy, making sound financial judgements, figuring out priorities, and giving each other space to make big financial decisions after living precariously.
Do with that what you will.
posted by barnone at 7:03 AM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
You're a team - solve this together like you care about each other, including making each other happy, making sound financial judgements, figuring out priorities, and giving each other space to make big financial decisions after living precariously.
Do with that what you will.
posted by barnone at 7:03 AM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Give her your car and buy yourself a new car.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:10 AM on August 11, 2015
posted by Jacqueline at 7:10 AM on August 11, 2015
Well, of course you aren't getting heat stroke, but driving a non air conditioned car in the middle of summer is the pits. If you're stuck in traffic, then it's the same as sitting in partial sun and >90 degree heat for 40 minutes. That's not a minor issue!
By taking your car she has made taking her time choosing a car into an external cost. You bear the burden of the terribly hot car rides so she can enjoy the benefit of not feeling rushed. You've given enough, and you're both working. She's in the wrong, and needs to give too.
Either she goes back to driving her own car or she rents a car but no matter what you need to discuss it and then take your car back.
posted by cost-cutting measures at 7:13 AM on August 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
By taking your car she has made taking her time choosing a car into an external cost. You bear the burden of the terribly hot car rides so she can enjoy the benefit of not feeling rushed. You've given enough, and you're both working. She's in the wrong, and needs to give too.
Either she goes back to driving her own car or she rents a car but no matter what you need to discuss it and then take your car back.
posted by cost-cutting measures at 7:13 AM on August 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
I have a good gig and pay 100% of the mortgage and other household bills.
Maybe discuss your financial arrangement (your respective contributions) more generally? If you have a good job but don't have a decent car to drive-- well I'm going to agree with everyone that being upset or not is not really the issue-- perhaps you need to have more of a portion of your household income, the two of you need a bigger emergency fund, something like that.
posted by BibiRose at 7:19 AM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Maybe discuss your financial arrangement (your respective contributions) more generally? If you have a good job but don't have a decent car to drive-- well I'm going to agree with everyone that being upset or not is not really the issue-- perhaps you need to have more of a portion of your household income, the two of you need a bigger emergency fund, something like that.
posted by BibiRose at 7:19 AM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
My car is 18 years old with no air con and with fans that barely work, so I understand your pain. Heat stroke is a bit dramatic though, surely?
It's really unfair that she keeps driving your car and I think that you need to put a stop to that. If she doesn't want to drive a car without a/c, she needs to decide on a new car. This warrants a conversation. In addition, make it an inconvenience for her to take your car: If you have a driveway and she's the one to leave the house first, make sure her car is behind yours (as in, closest to the exit). Put her keys somewhere easily accessible, and put your keys somewhere else.
For all those suggesting fixing the a/c on the old car: It's not always that cheap or simple to fix. Sometimes the reason that the a/c needs regassing is because there's a leak. In that case, regassing would be a complete waste because it would all just leak out again anyway.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 7:23 AM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's really unfair that she keeps driving your car and I think that you need to put a stop to that. If she doesn't want to drive a car without a/c, she needs to decide on a new car. This warrants a conversation. In addition, make it an inconvenience for her to take your car: If you have a driveway and she's the one to leave the house first, make sure her car is behind yours (as in, closest to the exit). Put her keys somewhere easily accessible, and put your keys somewhere else.
For all those suggesting fixing the a/c on the old car: It's not always that cheap or simple to fix. Sometimes the reason that the a/c needs regassing is because there's a leak. In that case, regassing would be a complete waste because it would all just leak out again anyway.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 7:23 AM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
For folks ragging on OP about heat stroke: you are familiar with that whole thing about not leaving a child or a dog in a car on even an 80-degree day? Or a 70-degree day? Because the temperature inside can easily rise to 90+ and kill them?
Yes, you can get heat stroke from operating an un air-conditioned car in 110-degree heat. Yes, even if you roll the windows down, because it's 110 outside.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:31 AM on August 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
Yes, you can get heat stroke from operating an un air-conditioned car in 110-degree heat. Yes, even if you roll the windows down, because it's 110 outside.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:31 AM on August 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
Does your wife normally take a long time to make decisions? (ie, is she a maximizer or a satisficer?) If so, I don't think it's reasonable to expect her to be different regarding this one purchase.
However, I also think it's fair to say that now that she has the option to change her car (because she has the money now) that you stop lending her your car. It might speed up the decision and it might not, but it wouldn't be putting you out anymore, and you wouldn't be so upset about it.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 7:31 AM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
However, I also think it's fair to say that now that she has the option to change her car (because she has the money now) that you stop lending her your car. It might speed up the decision and it might not, but it wouldn't be putting you out anymore, and you wouldn't be so upset about it.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 7:31 AM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
of course you are right to be upset; you're very uncomfortable. But you are wrong to let the situation continue in a way that you know isn't working for you and is making you angry at your wife. Solve the problem of your own discomfort - take your car back; or rent a car for a couple weeks for her to drive. Heck - if she has a shortlist of cars she's considering, rent one of those to help her figure it out. (But if you go the rental route, figure out the budget first so you don't wind up with that as an indefinite money-suck.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:51 AM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:51 AM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Agreeing with the above - her timeline is reasonable, but her method of dealing with it in the meanwhile (taking your car every day) is not. You should have the use of your car, and together you should work out something else for the intervening month. Renting sounds like the ideal, but if it's not for some reason, then maybe she can make her schedule work with yours so you can carpool daily for the next month, or maybe she can work out a carpool arrangement with a coworker, or take public transit, or try to arrange a work-from-home schedule on the days you two can't carpool if they're predictable. Or she can decide to live with the broken A/C for a month. That's up to her, as long as her solution is not "take your car when you need it."
This is a solvable problem and you can work together to solve it.
posted by Stacey at 7:53 AM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
This is a solvable problem and you can work together to solve it.
posted by Stacey at 7:53 AM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Could she try to carpool more often? And if there are any days when she can't get a carpool but you'll need the car for awhile, could you drive her to work and/or pick her up?
That, or renting. This is a solvable problem.
posted by breakin' the law at 8:03 AM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
That, or renting. This is a solvable problem.
posted by breakin' the law at 8:03 AM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yes, you can get heat stroke from operating an un air-conditioned car in 110-degree heat. Yes, even if you roll the windows down, because it's 110 outside.
If our asker is actually suffering from heat stroke while driving, he needs to stop immediately. Seizures and unconsciousness are symptoms of heat stroke.
posted by ftm at 8:05 AM on August 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
If our asker is actually suffering from heat stroke while driving, he needs to stop immediately. Seizures and unconsciousness are symptoms of heat stroke.
posted by ftm at 8:05 AM on August 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
She has a job that she needs to get to which presumably pays a wage and she is presumably capable of sorting out her own transportation, yes? It's on her to arrange her own transportation. If that means she ends up renting a car for a fortnight, or driving her own car in the heat, then that seems fair to me.
There's no reason for her to continue driving your car when she has one of her own, or can afford to rent one. Especially if it's leaving you stuck in the house all day and making you ill.
Also, you feel how you feel and that's OK, even for guys. It's often best, though, to not act because of those emotions. Wait until you've calmed down or can think more clearly, and then that whatever steps you're going to take.
posted by Solomon at 8:20 AM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
There's no reason for her to continue driving your car when she has one of her own, or can afford to rent one. Especially if it's leaving you stuck in the house all day and making you ill.
Also, you feel how you feel and that's OK, even for guys. It's often best, though, to not act because of those emotions. Wait until you've calmed down or can think more clearly, and then that whatever steps you're going to take.
posted by Solomon at 8:20 AM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Why, if you are paying for everything, driving around in the desert in the crappy car? The obvious solution is to switch back, which will incentivize her to make a quick purchase.
It is unhealthful to continue to use that vehicle.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:38 AM on August 11, 2015
It is unhealthful to continue to use that vehicle.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:38 AM on August 11, 2015
A person will only make changes when they are the ones experiencing the consequences of their actions. This is a universal truth. You are the one dealing with the consequences of her actions, so she does not see the need to make any changes.
Stop it. Take your car back and see how miraculously quick her decision becomes when she is the one who has to put up with the consequences of dallying.
posted by FakeFreyja at 8:48 AM on August 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
Stop it. Take your car back and see how miraculously quick her decision becomes when she is the one who has to put up with the consequences of dallying.
posted by FakeFreyja at 8:48 AM on August 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
rent a car. don't let this add more strife to your marriage. once everyone is in their own air conditioned cars, discuss (either just between you both or with a therapist) the state of your marriage.
posted by nadawi at 10:05 AM on August 11, 2015
posted by nadawi at 10:05 AM on August 11, 2015
She's likely pretty stressed right now, even if it is her dream job. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she's being lazy or doesn't care about your needs.
Did you communicate this nicely to her? I don't think being right or wrong or ambushing her with our responses is going to help.
Also, you paying the mortgage and household expenses and stuff, especially when you have a good gig, doesn't mean anything in this situation unless you're raring to throw it in her face---if you keep score, you have bigger problems in your marriage. Keeping score is for roommates.
posted by discopolo at 10:07 AM on August 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
Did you communicate this nicely to her? I don't think being right or wrong or ambushing her with our responses is going to help.
Also, you paying the mortgage and household expenses and stuff, especially when you have a good gig, doesn't mean anything in this situation unless you're raring to throw it in her face---if you keep score, you have bigger problems in your marriage. Keeping score is for roommates.
posted by discopolo at 10:07 AM on August 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
Maybe you didn't mean it this way, but referring to your wife as "employment challenged" seems not very nice.
Supporting your wife is not really a gold star action. Supporting your girlfriend could be. But the definition of a wife is someone with whom you've voluntarily commingled finances and made a commitment "in sickness and in health." That means you don't get brownie points anymore for supporting her, as it's expected of a spousal relationship. (Works for women the same way these days.)
You don't have heat stroke. You're not a prisoner in your own home. She didn't "take the car." You need to dial down the dramatics.
Your wife got a new job. Yay! This is a stressful and delicate time for her. Messing up at a new job will affect both of your lives negatively. I can see why you've mutually agreed that she needs the good car- temporarily.
Buying a car takes a long time. You don't just pop by the store and buy a car. That's a terrible idea. There is no purchase you need to deliberate on more than a car, except a house. I sympathize with her needing a couple more weekends. Picking out my car took at least 2 months.
You really seem to be halfway thinking of you and your wife as a team, and halfway thinking "gotcha! Mine! I have more points because xyz." Marriage is not a zero sum game. If she gets a car she's unhappy with, you'll be unhappy too. It will affect both of you.
In conclusion: Just rent a car for two weeks.
posted by quincunx at 10:18 AM on August 11, 2015 [24 favorites]
Supporting your wife is not really a gold star action. Supporting your girlfriend could be. But the definition of a wife is someone with whom you've voluntarily commingled finances and made a commitment "in sickness and in health." That means you don't get brownie points anymore for supporting her, as it's expected of a spousal relationship. (Works for women the same way these days.)
You don't have heat stroke. You're not a prisoner in your own home. She didn't "take the car." You need to dial down the dramatics.
Your wife got a new job. Yay! This is a stressful and delicate time for her. Messing up at a new job will affect both of your lives negatively. I can see why you've mutually agreed that she needs the good car- temporarily.
Buying a car takes a long time. You don't just pop by the store and buy a car. That's a terrible idea. There is no purchase you need to deliberate on more than a car, except a house. I sympathize with her needing a couple more weekends. Picking out my car took at least 2 months.
You really seem to be halfway thinking of you and your wife as a team, and halfway thinking "gotcha! Mine! I have more points because xyz." Marriage is not a zero sum game. If she gets a car she's unhappy with, you'll be unhappy too. It will affect both of you.
In conclusion: Just rent a car for two weeks.
posted by quincunx at 10:18 AM on August 11, 2015 [24 favorites]
You're acting like a martyr here. Just do something. She may figure it isn't really that bad, since you haven't done something like get the AC fixed or rent a car. Or she may be an insensitive jerk, we don't know. Communicate with her and take action if she can't/won't make an immediate decision that will preserve your health.
People are taking the words "heat stroke" too literally. I would vomit if I were in 110 degree temps for more than a few minutes. I would feel like utter dogshit the entire rest of the day. I am not weak or dramatic, this is how my body works. If this is the way the OP's body works than they need to do something immediately because I don't want to be on the road with someone who may vomit or pass out while driving.
posted by desjardins at 10:23 AM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
People are taking the words "heat stroke" too literally. I would vomit if I were in 110 degree temps for more than a few minutes. I would feel like utter dogshit the entire rest of the day. I am not weak or dramatic, this is how my body works. If this is the way the OP's body works than they need to do something immediately because I don't want to be on the road with someone who may vomit or pass out while driving.
posted by desjardins at 10:23 AM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Fixing the AC seems like the easiest way to resolve this problem in the short term. It might even get you a little extra back on the trade-in when she finally does get her new car. Renting a car is just money down the hole, and if she decides she needs another two-week extension on her car-buying decision, you're right back at square one.
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:12 AM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:12 AM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Being upset doesn't fix problems, even if you're right to be upset.
Something that I find helps sometimes when I have situations with my wife where a big financial decision has to be made but she doesn't have the bandwidth to deal with it is to go and do some of the legwork for her. If she's having trouble deciding on a new car, well, what are the roadblocks? What are her needs/wants/dealbreakers on the car? What's the price point? Is she getting held up because it takes her too much time to get out and do test drives? Is there a way that you can, say, take over some weekend chores to give her more time to think about this?
The basic point is that you will both benefit from having this decision made, but it seems like it's a bigger priority for you than for her. My hunch is that if you get told you're right to be upset, you'll react by telling her that you're taking your car back and that she's on her own — but that ends up with both of you worse off than if you help her get the new car, because you're throwing more work on her instead of stepping up.
Communicate with her, frame it as both of you working to find a solution together, then identify the things holding you back and make a plan to address them. It might mean you end up in the hot car a bit longer (maybe a little Dogs Die in Hot Cars will lighten your mood), but in the end you'll have dealt with a big problem as a couple and have a better template for solving stuff like this if it comes up again.
posted by klangklangston at 11:54 AM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Something that I find helps sometimes when I have situations with my wife where a big financial decision has to be made but she doesn't have the bandwidth to deal with it is to go and do some of the legwork for her. If she's having trouble deciding on a new car, well, what are the roadblocks? What are her needs/wants/dealbreakers on the car? What's the price point? Is she getting held up because it takes her too much time to get out and do test drives? Is there a way that you can, say, take over some weekend chores to give her more time to think about this?
The basic point is that you will both benefit from having this decision made, but it seems like it's a bigger priority for you than for her. My hunch is that if you get told you're right to be upset, you'll react by telling her that you're taking your car back and that she's on her own — but that ends up with both of you worse off than if you help her get the new car, because you're throwing more work on her instead of stepping up.
Communicate with her, frame it as both of you working to find a solution together, then identify the things holding you back and make a plan to address them. It might mean you end up in the hot car a bit longer (maybe a little Dogs Die in Hot Cars will lighten your mood), but in the end you'll have dealt with a big problem as a couple and have a better template for solving stuff like this if it comes up again.
posted by klangklangston at 11:54 AM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
As a general observation, your resentment seems to be building up in your marriage. While it might feel weirdly good to be the martyr, that shit is toxic. Work on equitable solutions to problems as soon as they arise. Don't shoulder unnecessary burdens and then fester about them.
posted by delight at 1:13 PM on August 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by delight at 1:13 PM on August 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
She rents a car for her; meanwhile get the AC fixed on her car, and you drive your car.
Later this summer, she buys a new car, returns the rented car, and sells her old car, with the AC now functional.
posted by seawallrunner at 1:15 PM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Later this summer, she buys a new car, returns the rented car, and sells her old car, with the AC now functional.
posted by seawallrunner at 1:15 PM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
I agree that your best course of action here is to rent a car until your wife can make up her mind regarding the purchase of a new car.
Having said that, everyone who says that you're being over-dramatic about the effects of driving around in an un-air conditioned metal box in the middle of a desert summer is either ignorant or being kind of a dick.
I drive a 1998 Camry, and about a year ago the AC died for good. Replacing the AC would cost more than I feel an 18 year old car with 300,000 miles on it is worth, so (since I mostly drive it on short trips around town) I decided not to fix the air conditioning. This worked out pretty well, until I had a family emergency and had to drive up the 5 from Los Angeles to the Bay Area.
I full-on momentarily lost consciousness because of the heat. My vision blacked out, and I only came back into focus when the car started shaking because we'd drifted off the road. For the next couple of hours, we had to stop at every fast food place and gas station along the road and buy cups of ice, just so I could cool myself off to the point where I wouldn't pass out again.
That was with the windows down, and it was 20 degrees cooler than the temperature that you're describing above. If you feel that it isn't safe for you to be driving in the heat, please don't let anyone tell you not to take that concern seriously.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 4:56 PM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Having said that, everyone who says that you're being over-dramatic about the effects of driving around in an un-air conditioned metal box in the middle of a desert summer is either ignorant or being kind of a dick.
I drive a 1998 Camry, and about a year ago the AC died for good. Replacing the AC would cost more than I feel an 18 year old car with 300,000 miles on it is worth, so (since I mostly drive it on short trips around town) I decided not to fix the air conditioning. This worked out pretty well, until I had a family emergency and had to drive up the 5 from Los Angeles to the Bay Area.
I full-on momentarily lost consciousness because of the heat. My vision blacked out, and I only came back into focus when the car started shaking because we'd drifted off the road. For the next couple of hours, we had to stop at every fast food place and gas station along the road and buy cups of ice, just so I could cool myself off to the point where I wouldn't pass out again.
That was with the windows down, and it was 20 degrees cooler than the temperature that you're describing above. If you feel that it isn't safe for you to be driving in the heat, please don't let anyone tell you not to take that concern seriously.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 4:56 PM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
She takes YOUR car with the air conditioning, leaving you stuck sweltering in hers, then dicks around about getting another car? If it were me I'd take my goddamn air-conditioned car back, and once she's stuck driving around in her old heat box see how fast she changes her fucking timeline.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:19 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:19 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
For the record, I regret my comment above. That's not an attitude I want to cultivate.
posted by amtho at 4:46 AM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by amtho at 4:46 AM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
You are married, the default is that there is no "her car" and "your car", there are two cars owned by your family and any car purchasing should be a joint effort. If you got married without talking about this, it will be really hard to rearrange the terms of your marriage to be non-standard, "yours" and "hers". I agree it would be very frustrating for me to be in a financially unequal position long term, but that's pretty much the state of marriage right now. If you decide that you want to switch to some other financial arrangement, I suggest having a neutral third party working with both of you (marriage counselor). Otherwise, if you don't want to change things, then you need to stop thinking like a martyr, because it really is poisonous to a relationship.
Driving in the heat without air conditioning really is aggravating. (I have been there and done that, I drove a car without air conditioning for 6+ years. As a child, none of the family cars had air conditioning. It wasn't even remarkable, just something you dealt with.) But there are steps to minimize the pain (see the bottom of this post).
Stop being dramatic. Yes, it is hot and unpleasant. But lots of people do this 100% of the time. Being in a closed car on a hot day is very dangerous (especially if you have a low body mass and can't operate doors, like if you are a dog or a small child), but being in an open, moving car on a hot day is nearly the same as being simply in the open. If you get light headed, nauseous, etc., you should stop driving and find a cooler spot. Otherwise, you will be sweaty but fine.
Was your wife using the car before? You wrote that the AC gave out months ago, but she only started using the air conditioned car recently. You can try asking her how she survived, and see if anything she did helps you.
Seriously stop being dramatic. You are not a prisoner in your home because you have a shitty car. There are even people who have no car at all and have to walk, bicycle, or use public transportation. Yes, it is harder. Yes, it sucks. Pretty much everyone would prefer to drive around in a cushy, air-conditioned car. Nothing I can type will change your situation, though.
-----
In no particular order:
Keep the car in shade at all times when parked. You will need several of those pop-up window shade things, and maybe a towel to drape over the seat and steering wheel.
Keep the windows in the car at least slightly open when parked.
When you're leaving from home, open the windows fully several minutes before you plan to leave.
If you have a choice of when to travel, travel in the early morning (before or close to sunup) or late evening (after dark, preferably).
Wear athletic clothing which is designed to evaporate sweat quickly while driving. If you need to dress otherwise at your destination, carry your other clothes and change when you get there. (Don't forget to change back for the trip home.)
Use a cool, damp bandana or buff to keep your hair up and to help with cooling and sweat containment.
Wear well-fitting wrap-around dark sunglasses if you don't already.
If you need to look nice at your destination, try to get there at least 20 minutes early. Carry a towel and use it to mop up as much sweat as possible, then rest in the air conditioning at your destination. Change in to your nicer clothes right before you need to be seen, after you have cooled down as much as possible.
Purchase a wooden bead seat cover and use it (helps air flow around your body).
Purchase a fan that plugs in to the auxiliary power outlet (cigarette lighter) in the car and point it in the direction which makes you feel most comfortable.
Carry several frozen water bottles when leaving on any trip. Place them around your body (in a way that doesn't interfere with driving) and drink the water as it melts. Use water, not any kind of sugary or electrolyte drink.
Eat healthy, easy to digest meals. Plenty of fruit and vegetables (to replace everything you'll be sweating out).
Gradually change the house temperature to be warmer. Going from a warm house to a hot car is less stressful than going from a really cold house to a hot car.
posted by anaelith at 5:19 AM on August 13, 2015
Driving in the heat without air conditioning really is aggravating. (I have been there and done that, I drove a car without air conditioning for 6+ years. As a child, none of the family cars had air conditioning. It wasn't even remarkable, just something you dealt with.) But there are steps to minimize the pain (see the bottom of this post).
Stop being dramatic. Yes, it is hot and unpleasant. But lots of people do this 100% of the time. Being in a closed car on a hot day is very dangerous (especially if you have a low body mass and can't operate doors, like if you are a dog or a small child), but being in an open, moving car on a hot day is nearly the same as being simply in the open. If you get light headed, nauseous, etc., you should stop driving and find a cooler spot. Otherwise, you will be sweaty but fine.
Was your wife using the car before? You wrote that the AC gave out months ago, but she only started using the air conditioned car recently. You can try asking her how she survived, and see if anything she did helps you.
Seriously stop being dramatic. You are not a prisoner in your home because you have a shitty car. There are even people who have no car at all and have to walk, bicycle, or use public transportation. Yes, it is harder. Yes, it sucks. Pretty much everyone would prefer to drive around in a cushy, air-conditioned car. Nothing I can type will change your situation, though.
-----
In no particular order:
Keep the car in shade at all times when parked. You will need several of those pop-up window shade things, and maybe a towel to drape over the seat and steering wheel.
Keep the windows in the car at least slightly open when parked.
When you're leaving from home, open the windows fully several minutes before you plan to leave.
If you have a choice of when to travel, travel in the early morning (before or close to sunup) or late evening (after dark, preferably).
Wear athletic clothing which is designed to evaporate sweat quickly while driving. If you need to dress otherwise at your destination, carry your other clothes and change when you get there. (Don't forget to change back for the trip home.)
Use a cool, damp bandana or buff to keep your hair up and to help with cooling and sweat containment.
Wear well-fitting wrap-around dark sunglasses if you don't already.
If you need to look nice at your destination, try to get there at least 20 minutes early. Carry a towel and use it to mop up as much sweat as possible, then rest in the air conditioning at your destination. Change in to your nicer clothes right before you need to be seen, after you have cooled down as much as possible.
Purchase a wooden bead seat cover and use it (helps air flow around your body).
Purchase a fan that plugs in to the auxiliary power outlet (cigarette lighter) in the car and point it in the direction which makes you feel most comfortable.
Carry several frozen water bottles when leaving on any trip. Place them around your body (in a way that doesn't interfere with driving) and drink the water as it melts. Use water, not any kind of sugary or electrolyte drink.
Eat healthy, easy to digest meals. Plenty of fruit and vegetables (to replace everything you'll be sweating out).
Gradually change the house temperature to be warmer. Going from a warm house to a hot car is less stressful than going from a really cold house to a hot car.
posted by anaelith at 5:19 AM on August 13, 2015
Two weeks seems like a reasonable amount of time to conclude a $20K decision. I know I would agonize over it - not having the slightest idea what I wanted and committing to spending so much money is a large chunk of the reason I've been carless most of my adult life.
Maybe set smaller check-in deadlines for car choices and price gathering?
posted by maryr at 12:34 PM on August 13, 2015
Maybe set smaller check-in deadlines for car choices and price gathering?
posted by maryr at 12:34 PM on August 13, 2015
But....did she have to drive the car with no air conditioning before she got this job? If she did, maybe to her it's manageable discomfort so she doesn't understand why you're finding it impossible?
posted by glasseyes at 1:03 PM on August 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by glasseyes at 1:03 PM on August 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
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Relationship counselling should be the most important priority, really.
In the mean time, take ownership of your primary car back, if you're frail.
posted by taff at 5:52 AM on August 11, 2015 [20 favorites]