How to deal with feeling suddenly paranoid towards loved one?
August 5, 2015 4:08 PM Subscribe
Turning into this guys wife. Married a year and a half. Been together for a total of 3 yrs. Prior to around a month ago I had no insecurity issues or paranoia towards my husband. This is the best relationship that I’ve ever been in and I feel so lucky to have met him.
We have a great life together and no relationship drama. I really love him and want to continue to have a wonderful life with him. I was so happy to have a stable home life and a drama free relationship. However lately I have not been myself and am not sure what is going on.
I took myself to a therapist immediately and then to a GP and then to a psychiatrist. I had been on lamictal to stabilize my moods a couple of years ago and got back on it after talking to the gp and psychiatrist. (I went on antidepressants several years back and that was a nightmare.) It has been just a couple of weeks on the lamictal and I am slowly upping the dose per my psychiatrist.
I am unemployed (for almost 2 yrs) and have been feeling unsure about my future career direction and having a bit of anxiety as a result. Nothing that spilled over into our relationship. I would say that I am fairly anxious in general and seem to go from fear to fear much in the same way I go from hobby to hobby. As a result of my career issues I was getting the feeling like ok it’s time to go back to therapy but I didn’t go when these feelings started to crop up.
Back in April or May I went for my annual gyn visit. I have a history of having cysts in my ovaries and after confirming that I do have some she recommended birth control. I’ve been on several kinds of bc before but either get off to give my body a break or don’t feel well on them. I had previously been on the nuva ring and decided to go with that since it is a once a month thing and I had used it before to suppress my periods and figured I’d do that again. Started taking it in early June. Now I’m not sure if it was right before or right after I put the nuva ring in but I remember sitting in a restaurant and getting that weepy feeling for no reason. About a month later I was having that feeling more often. I was getting weepy and crying in the supermarket, if I missed the bus, just for anything. During this time I got my 2nd nuvaring. I thought that if it was hormone related I would just give it some time. Two days later I took the damn thing out and tossed it. My moods and depression were getting worse and it was making me crazy. Well the crazy is still here even though it has been almost a month off the bc.
As far as how this is impacting my relationship, I feel I may have ruined it by suddenly becoming insecure and suspicious of my husband. I feel like he is retreating. I understand how that could happen because I was in a relationship with someone who didn’t trust me and made my life hell. I have turned into my former partner. I got a weird feeling about my husband and his relationship with a coworker. I snooped on him. Then felt so bad I confessed and apologized. But I felt consumed by something new. I don’t think I would have freaked out about this relationship 2 months ago. I hated having my privacy violated and would never have thought that I would do it to him. Shit I was in a relationship with someone who did cheat on me and I didn’t snoop then. My husband reassured me and listened to me and has been supportive and caring and understanding. But now I’m worried that I went too far. Now my fears and insecurities have infested my relationship and I’m worried about chasing my husband away. I feel him pulling back and it makes me feel like I need to step back.
I am trying to exercise more and am looking for work. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to ruin my marriage because of my mental illness. After initially blaming the nuvaring that no longer seems to be the case since it has been out of me for a month almost. I am still crying all the time filled with despair and hopelessness.
Aside from seeing my dr. and taking my pills how do I deal with the paranoia and insecurity? How do I communicate to my husband how I feel without dumping my shit on him? How do I even talk to him about it? Part of me feels like I revealed too much of myself to him and he saw my guts. What the hell is wrong with me?
We have a great life together and no relationship drama. I really love him and want to continue to have a wonderful life with him. I was so happy to have a stable home life and a drama free relationship. However lately I have not been myself and am not sure what is going on.
I took myself to a therapist immediately and then to a GP and then to a psychiatrist. I had been on lamictal to stabilize my moods a couple of years ago and got back on it after talking to the gp and psychiatrist. (I went on antidepressants several years back and that was a nightmare.) It has been just a couple of weeks on the lamictal and I am slowly upping the dose per my psychiatrist.
I am unemployed (for almost 2 yrs) and have been feeling unsure about my future career direction and having a bit of anxiety as a result. Nothing that spilled over into our relationship. I would say that I am fairly anxious in general and seem to go from fear to fear much in the same way I go from hobby to hobby. As a result of my career issues I was getting the feeling like ok it’s time to go back to therapy but I didn’t go when these feelings started to crop up.
Back in April or May I went for my annual gyn visit. I have a history of having cysts in my ovaries and after confirming that I do have some she recommended birth control. I’ve been on several kinds of bc before but either get off to give my body a break or don’t feel well on them. I had previously been on the nuva ring and decided to go with that since it is a once a month thing and I had used it before to suppress my periods and figured I’d do that again. Started taking it in early June. Now I’m not sure if it was right before or right after I put the nuva ring in but I remember sitting in a restaurant and getting that weepy feeling for no reason. About a month later I was having that feeling more often. I was getting weepy and crying in the supermarket, if I missed the bus, just for anything. During this time I got my 2nd nuvaring. I thought that if it was hormone related I would just give it some time. Two days later I took the damn thing out and tossed it. My moods and depression were getting worse and it was making me crazy. Well the crazy is still here even though it has been almost a month off the bc.
As far as how this is impacting my relationship, I feel I may have ruined it by suddenly becoming insecure and suspicious of my husband. I feel like he is retreating. I understand how that could happen because I was in a relationship with someone who didn’t trust me and made my life hell. I have turned into my former partner. I got a weird feeling about my husband and his relationship with a coworker. I snooped on him. Then felt so bad I confessed and apologized. But I felt consumed by something new. I don’t think I would have freaked out about this relationship 2 months ago. I hated having my privacy violated and would never have thought that I would do it to him. Shit I was in a relationship with someone who did cheat on me and I didn’t snoop then. My husband reassured me and listened to me and has been supportive and caring and understanding. But now I’m worried that I went too far. Now my fears and insecurities have infested my relationship and I’m worried about chasing my husband away. I feel him pulling back and it makes me feel like I need to step back.
I am trying to exercise more and am looking for work. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to ruin my marriage because of my mental illness. After initially blaming the nuvaring that no longer seems to be the case since it has been out of me for a month almost. I am still crying all the time filled with despair and hopelessness.
Aside from seeing my dr. and taking my pills how do I deal with the paranoia and insecurity? How do I communicate to my husband how I feel without dumping my shit on him? How do I even talk to him about it? Part of me feels like I revealed too much of myself to him and he saw my guts. What the hell is wrong with me?
Please ask your gyno how long you might have mood effects from the hormones in the Nuvaring.
Please work with your therapist on strategies for managing your paranoia.
Please let your psychiatrist know that your paranoia and compulsions have not abated.
Your brain is telling you so many lies right now. Reading your question, I get the feeling that your anxiety about your husband retreating and you ruining the relationship are a part of your paranoia. It must be incredibly difficult to feel so anxious and afraid - please let your husband and your medical team help you.
posted by Squeak Attack at 4:49 PM on August 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
Please work with your therapist on strategies for managing your paranoia.
Please let your psychiatrist know that your paranoia and compulsions have not abated.
Your brain is telling you so many lies right now. Reading your question, I get the feeling that your anxiety about your husband retreating and you ruining the relationship are a part of your paranoia. It must be incredibly difficult to feel so anxious and afraid - please let your husband and your medical team help you.
posted by Squeak Attack at 4:49 PM on August 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
> I feel I may have ruined it by suddenly becoming insecure and suspicious of my husband.
> I feel like he is retreating.
Like SA said, you might not be a good judge right of whether or not he is actually retreating.
>.. Part of me feels like I revealed too much of myself to him and he saw my guts.
.. and that he's going to hate them, automatically?
Again, you might not be a good judge of that now.
I saw my partner's "guts" during a recent medical crisis. My partner was unable to cope, and unable to reason effectively because of understandable fear and pain. It was up to me to take up the slack, and she trusted me enough to follow my lead.
I think the only real emotional reaction I had was a more visceral understanding of how it must have been for her when our places were reversed, when I just had to trust her to shepherd me through, and how vulnerable and broken I was then.
> How do I even talk to him about it?
You just talk to him about it. As a partner, you are entitled to a certain amount of his attention :-) You can say something like "How are you feeling about what seems to be going on with me?" or "I feel insecure and weird, but I don't think it's anything you've done." or "I'm trying to keep it on a leash, so I'm going to stop talking about it for a while now. Thanks for listening."
posted by the Real Dan at 5:03 PM on August 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
> I feel like he is retreating.
Like SA said, you might not be a good judge right of whether or not he is actually retreating.
>.. Part of me feels like I revealed too much of myself to him and he saw my guts.
.. and that he's going to hate them, automatically?
Again, you might not be a good judge of that now.
I saw my partner's "guts" during a recent medical crisis. My partner was unable to cope, and unable to reason effectively because of understandable fear and pain. It was up to me to take up the slack, and she trusted me enough to follow my lead.
I think the only real emotional reaction I had was a more visceral understanding of how it must have been for her when our places were reversed, when I just had to trust her to shepherd me through, and how vulnerable and broken I was then.
> How do I even talk to him about it?
You just talk to him about it. As a partner, you are entitled to a certain amount of his attention :-) You can say something like "How are you feeling about what seems to be going on with me?" or "I feel insecure and weird, but I don't think it's anything you've done." or "I'm trying to keep it on a leash, so I'm going to stop talking about it for a while now. Thanks for listening."
posted by the Real Dan at 5:03 PM on August 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
How do I even talk to him about it?
"I am having anxiety problems. My thoughts are all a jumble of X, Y, Z, and I know none of those things are true, but knowing that is not making the anxiety and the weird thoughts go away. I am having a bad time, am going to keep working with my doctors and hope this gets resolved quickly, and in the meantime I want you to know that I love you and I am sorry if I seem out of sorts. I am trying ABC coping strategy, so if you see me ABCing, that's a signal that I am aware that I am not doing well and am working to calm down..."
...or whatever, as applicable. Just spill. You will feel so much better for just getting it out there, and adding to it as needed. Certainly a statement of facts is not going to be taken as whining, so don't worry about 'dumping your shit.' Talk about it as you would any physical health problem. This is what my doctor said, this is what it feels like, when it flares I'll try doing this thing, you can help by doing the other thing, I'm hoping my doctor gets this under control quickly because it sucks.
Not communicating is terrible for a relationship, but couples go through medical issues all the time. It's the shutting down you want to try to avoid, not the fear of his seeing your (so to speak) guts. What is the point of an intimate partnership if not to lay oneself bare with another human?
posted by kmennie at 5:16 PM on August 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
"I am having anxiety problems. My thoughts are all a jumble of X, Y, Z, and I know none of those things are true, but knowing that is not making the anxiety and the weird thoughts go away. I am having a bad time, am going to keep working with my doctors and hope this gets resolved quickly, and in the meantime I want you to know that I love you and I am sorry if I seem out of sorts. I am trying ABC coping strategy, so if you see me ABCing, that's a signal that I am aware that I am not doing well and am working to calm down..."
...or whatever, as applicable. Just spill. You will feel so much better for just getting it out there, and adding to it as needed. Certainly a statement of facts is not going to be taken as whining, so don't worry about 'dumping your shit.' Talk about it as you would any physical health problem. This is what my doctor said, this is what it feels like, when it flares I'll try doing this thing, you can help by doing the other thing, I'm hoping my doctor gets this under control quickly because it sucks.
Not communicating is terrible for a relationship, but couples go through medical issues all the time. It's the shutting down you want to try to avoid, not the fear of his seeing your (so to speak) guts. What is the point of an intimate partnership if not to lay oneself bare with another human?
posted by kmennie at 5:16 PM on August 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
In some cases, I think CBT is overrated, but for this purpose, finding a really good mantra to stop the anxiety can be very helpful.
Also, when I know I'm under the strong influence of temporary feelings, which it seems clear you are, I "put myself in a bubble" where I'm not allowed to analyze X. E.g., "self, you got just 2 hours of sleep last night. Today is not the day to evaluate your financial security [or worry of choice]. Just get through today, that seems hard enough." You're not in your right mind, so any thinking you'd do on the topic may not be very useful.
You're looking for work and dealing with hormonally-triggered anxiety and depression. That's a lot to handle! Don't add to your burden by wondering what your husband is thinking. He promised to stand by you in sickness and health (or whatever your vows said). These moments of weakness are small potatoes. Just get through this week, this month, this phase of tribulation, and focus on feeling better. You can always return to strengthening your relationship when you feel a bit better. I'm so sorry that this anxiety is afflicting you.
posted by salvia at 5:39 PM on August 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also, when I know I'm under the strong influence of temporary feelings, which it seems clear you are, I "put myself in a bubble" where I'm not allowed to analyze X. E.g., "self, you got just 2 hours of sleep last night. Today is not the day to evaluate your financial security [or worry of choice]. Just get through today, that seems hard enough." You're not in your right mind, so any thinking you'd do on the topic may not be very useful.
You're looking for work and dealing with hormonally-triggered anxiety and depression. That's a lot to handle! Don't add to your burden by wondering what your husband is thinking. He promised to stand by you in sickness and health (or whatever your vows said). These moments of weakness are small potatoes. Just get through this week, this month, this phase of tribulation, and focus on feeling better. You can always return to strengthening your relationship when you feel a bit better. I'm so sorry that this anxiety is afflicting you.
posted by salvia at 5:39 PM on August 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hormones are a bitch. If you have cysts, those can really affect you. My daughter went through moodswings from them.
She went to see an endocrinologist. I hope that is available to you for your healthcare options. She also had some thyroid problems. So that helped.
On a personal level, I have had hormonal problems, and just the overall angst of being unemployed and it all does get overwhelming, I agree.
What has helped me is to keep a task list every day. It doesn't matter if it's "do the dishes" or "sweep the floor" -- what matters is a list, and getting at least 3 things done every day, and then I get to relax and allow my brain to regroup for a while. Then do the rest of the things. Or not, depending.
I have a great partner, and he knows I have GAD and PTSD and he totally supports me. I also say, "man, I am having a crappy day!" But lately, I am just like, "Man, I am having a crappy morning," and that is now narrowed down into, "Man, I am having a crappy 15 minutes."
After my crappy episodes, I can pick up and move on with my day. It's not about coffee, it's about letting my brain re-set into something like it used to be before the shit hit the fan.
Some days are just bad, if you have hormonal issues, and you just have to say, "I'm having a bad day, get takeout for supper tonight," and that's it. Then hold hands and watch mindless TV shows. There's nothing wrong with that. The only thing wrong is if you try to hide it. Just say so. Men really want to know and they just really want to know what they can do to help you, so speak up.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:41 PM on August 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
She went to see an endocrinologist. I hope that is available to you for your healthcare options. She also had some thyroid problems. So that helped.
On a personal level, I have had hormonal problems, and just the overall angst of being unemployed and it all does get overwhelming, I agree.
What has helped me is to keep a task list every day. It doesn't matter if it's "do the dishes" or "sweep the floor" -- what matters is a list, and getting at least 3 things done every day, and then I get to relax and allow my brain to regroup for a while. Then do the rest of the things. Or not, depending.
I have a great partner, and he knows I have GAD and PTSD and he totally supports me. I also say, "man, I am having a crappy day!" But lately, I am just like, "Man, I am having a crappy morning," and that is now narrowed down into, "Man, I am having a crappy 15 minutes."
After my crappy episodes, I can pick up and move on with my day. It's not about coffee, it's about letting my brain re-set into something like it used to be before the shit hit the fan.
Some days are just bad, if you have hormonal issues, and you just have to say, "I'm having a bad day, get takeout for supper tonight," and that's it. Then hold hands and watch mindless TV shows. There's nothing wrong with that. The only thing wrong is if you try to hide it. Just say so. Men really want to know and they just really want to know what they can do to help you, so speak up.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:41 PM on August 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I admire you so much for looking at this matter squarely and trying to attack what's attacking you logically and seek help from your psychiatrist, gynecologist and husband. You're clearly strong, smart and motivated to tackle your troubles and set things right in your marriage. It my help to remind yourself that you're taking action to get a proper diagnosis and medical care, along with managing your job hunt, your relationship and your own emotions. Write it (and other reassurances) down to read when you feel like you're questioning your efficacy. Take care.
posted by carmicha at 5:42 PM on August 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by carmicha at 5:42 PM on August 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
For what it's worth, it took me way longer than a month to get over the mood altering effects of the Nuvaring. Closer to three, if anything.
That avenue is worth pursuing with your gyn, you may still be returning back to baseline.
posted by lydhre at 6:33 PM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
That avenue is worth pursuing with your gyn, you may still be returning back to baseline.
posted by lydhre at 6:33 PM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Family member had terrible results on antidepressants but lamictal plus antidepressant was a whole new world. The doctor said that lamictal kept the lid on while the antidepressant kept the bottom from falling out. Seems to be working and she was a mess who was very reluctant to go on Prozac. Maybe ask your doctor about this?
posted by tamitang at 2:11 AM on August 6, 2015
posted by tamitang at 2:11 AM on August 6, 2015
OCD/intrusive thought sufferer here. I am getting over the hump of one of these times myself so I just want to send you good wishes and support. You are so doing the right thing by understanding that your fears and anxieties are not rooted in reality. Keep working with your doctors. Do not attempt to fix yourself 100% by yourself. I PROMISE you, it gets better, and you are obviously a very strong and focussed person who is already doing all the right things.
Kmennie's script and in fact entire answer is excellent. He is your husband and he won't run away screaming from you if he "sees your guts". Communicating what's going on with you is not creating a burden for him. He has the right to know.
You are taking a lot on yourself at the moment, what with a job hunt and managing your medical needs. Is there any way you can scale back on other responsibilities for the meantime? This does not make you weak. You are allowed to be kind to yourself.
I reeeeeeeeeeally recommend sticking to the exercise. Don't get too caught up in beating any records. Consistent gentle exercise is a good daily dose of positivity.
I also wanted to recommend 10 minutes of daily meditation. Try this free ten minute thing from Headspace. It helps you sort of... distance yourself from your anxious thoughts so that you're not in the eye of the storm but watching it through a window. That's a metaphor used by the guy who does the guided meditation and it has held pretty true for me. Nowadays, I can feel a panicky episode coming on, but I am able to recognise it for what it is, acknowledge it and then distract myself instead of letting myself get swept away.
My final recommendation is this line from the novel Attachments by Rainbow Rowell:
“So, what if, instead of thinking about solving you whole life, you just think about adding additional good things. One at a time. Just let your pile of good things grow.”
It doesn't matter what your good things are - for me, it was regular exercise, hiking with friends, trashy comfort reading, and The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Even when I was having a bad day, I felt the benefit of doing activities that were positive in and of themselves. I don't know what things make you happy, but I would recommend you do them, even if they are a little bit self-indulgent. Well, guess what, you're having a tough time, you deserve a couple of indulgences.
I posted a couple of similar questions during the worst of my anxious period. They're under my profile. I got some amazing help, advice and support from Metafilter, so the threads may be useful to you too.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:52 AM on August 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
Kmennie's script and in fact entire answer is excellent. He is your husband and he won't run away screaming from you if he "sees your guts". Communicating what's going on with you is not creating a burden for him. He has the right to know.
You are taking a lot on yourself at the moment, what with a job hunt and managing your medical needs. Is there any way you can scale back on other responsibilities for the meantime? This does not make you weak. You are allowed to be kind to yourself.
I reeeeeeeeeeally recommend sticking to the exercise. Don't get too caught up in beating any records. Consistent gentle exercise is a good daily dose of positivity.
I also wanted to recommend 10 minutes of daily meditation. Try this free ten minute thing from Headspace. It helps you sort of... distance yourself from your anxious thoughts so that you're not in the eye of the storm but watching it through a window. That's a metaphor used by the guy who does the guided meditation and it has held pretty true for me. Nowadays, I can feel a panicky episode coming on, but I am able to recognise it for what it is, acknowledge it and then distract myself instead of letting myself get swept away.
My final recommendation is this line from the novel Attachments by Rainbow Rowell:
“So, what if, instead of thinking about solving you whole life, you just think about adding additional good things. One at a time. Just let your pile of good things grow.”
It doesn't matter what your good things are - for me, it was regular exercise, hiking with friends, trashy comfort reading, and The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Even when I was having a bad day, I felt the benefit of doing activities that were positive in and of themselves. I don't know what things make you happy, but I would recommend you do them, even if they are a little bit self-indulgent. Well, guess what, you're having a tough time, you deserve a couple of indulgences.
I posted a couple of similar questions during the worst of my anxious period. They're under my profile. I got some amazing help, advice and support from Metafilter, so the threads may be useful to you too.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:52 AM on August 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is a bit off topic, but might be useful - if you've been unemployed for 2 years, how are you spending your time? It might help to volunteer somewhere regularly, just as a way to get your mind off your anxiety and maybe stop this downward spiral? It also has the benefit of making you feel useful and getting you on a regular schedule. All things that can help with anxiety.
As for husband, just say - love you, I'm a little wonky right now, need reassurance - a lot and regularly.
posted by Toddles at 6:09 AM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
As for husband, just say - love you, I'm a little wonky right now, need reassurance - a lot and regularly.
posted by Toddles at 6:09 AM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
The Nuvaring made me severely depressed- worse than any PMS I have ever had. It suddenly made me feel exactly as horrible as I did when a loved one died.
My (ex) gyno denied that it could have that effect, but studies have shown it can release more if it was exposed to higher temperatures. There is a related risk of stroke too- which is in my family history, and pisses me off because I told the gyno this!
Trust yourself enough to know it may have done the same to you. And take all the self care advice here. Good luck!
posted by TenaciousB at 2:33 PM on August 9, 2015
My (ex) gyno denied that it could have that effect, but studies have shown it can release more if it was exposed to higher temperatures. There is a related risk of stroke too- which is in my family history, and pisses me off because I told the gyno this!
Trust yourself enough to know it may have done the same to you. And take all the self care advice here. Good luck!
posted by TenaciousB at 2:33 PM on August 9, 2015
Response by poster: Thank you all for the kind and helpful answers. I have taken many of the suggestions provided including the guided meditations and making lists so that I can see what I am accomplishing and not feel like such a loser. I am exercising more frequently as well. I spend a lot of time alone and do need to get out more. I have an interview next week for a part time job so that may address that issue.
My blood panel from my GP came back and everything looks fine. Going to the gyn soon and hoping they will be able to check my hormone levels. Psychiatrist cancelled this week so I am waiting waiting. My insurance is not the greatest so I wont be able to go as frequently as I may need to.
Things don't feel so great with my husband - not sure if it's in my head or real since my mind is such a jumble. I have been crying less and hopefully I will get clear enough soon to really assess it and then address it.
Again - thank you so much. It's not easy to talk to anyone about this in "real life". You all have really helped me.
posted by puppup at 12:27 PM on August 18, 2015
My blood panel from my GP came back and everything looks fine. Going to the gyn soon and hoping they will be able to check my hormone levels. Psychiatrist cancelled this week so I am waiting waiting. My insurance is not the greatest so I wont be able to go as frequently as I may need to.
Things don't feel so great with my husband - not sure if it's in my head or real since my mind is such a jumble. I have been crying less and hopefully I will get clear enough soon to really assess it and then address it.
Again - thank you so much. It's not easy to talk to anyone about this in "real life". You all have really helped me.
posted by puppup at 12:27 PM on August 18, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
And...if it's at all possible you are pregnant, take a test.
If may be helpful, in the very short term, to come up with a code word and/or anxiety scale with your husband that means "I'm having that thing where I'm horribly worried about us/you but it's probably chemical" so that you can communicate your distress without bombarding him with accusations. He sounds like he understands this is a thing that is happening to you.
You will not always feel this awful. Something is off-kilter, and you may have to deal with some medical troubleshooting before you get really great relief, but this is very likely a solvable problem.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:39 PM on August 5, 2015 [9 favorites]