Trust vs. Control
October 9, 2013 6:28 AM Subscribe
I posted a pervious question regarding dating a man who wasn't forthcoming about a detail in his life (a 2nd child with a different woman) and my creeping suspicions that learning about him hiding this child was an indication of a future of lies and trust issues. I have let this man go, not because of the child, but because I am unable to trust him for many other reasons and now I want to learn a healthy balance between Trust and Control in relationships and dealing with insecurities. How do you move past insecurities and know when to just trust someone and recognize if your insecurities are causing you to control and sabatoge.
posted by BrandNewMe to human relations (8 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Long story short...I was married 1.5 years ago to a man who would often times go behind my back and talk to woman for attention, I didn't like it and would find out through 'snooping' through his phone (I'm not proud of this, and know it was wrong). So I started a new relationship with someone who was very quick (in my previous posts) in confessing his desire for me and how he had been looking for someone like me I was perfect. I was suspicious, he was handsome, charming, treated me like a queen but something just screamed he was too good to be true and I was going to be hurt. I noticed him on his phone a lot the first couple months and comments about how he had previously been unfaithful made me act in a way I had in the past which I was ashamed of, I looked through his phone. I found suspiciuos texts from exes... we talked through it, I said I didnt want to behave like that. I did it again, because in my gut I felt he was lying about something, which turns out my gut was right and he had met with another Ex GF. I got to a point where I felt like the only way to get the truth and avoid being hurt was to look at his phone and every time I did I found something. An e-mail from an ex indicating he had another child (which he confessed to), or a text from yet another ex indicating he had been watching her dog when in fact he was telling me it was someone elses (which he admitted to saying he didn't want to tell me to give me the wrong impression).
I know this is an insecurity thing, and you shoulnd't be with people that make you want to snoop- but it's almost what I have been conditioned to do and used to, I do not want to be this way. I'm afraid it is almost my way of trying to control the situation, or is it that I have been with the wrong people who have given me reason to doubt and that urge to snoop to protect myself is there? I do feel horribly guilty. I know this man will never provide me the things I need, but I can't let go of the guilt of my actions. There were a lot of good things about this man, but a lot of controlling manipulative bad things too. I broke it off because he is just unable to be honest with me about small things in fear of my reaction...but he is so adament that I am the one that caused this because I just can't trust him and that I am crazy for hijacking his phone. He has walked away from me 2 times out of "confusion and not knowing what he wanted" (leaving me with a lack of trust and insecurity when he did come back)...I know, I should have seen this and let him go but I didn't. He has been less than truthfull about an ex who visited him (we were long distance) on a whim because her bf at the time stood her up at the airport in the city he lives...I had a gut instinct, asked him he refused to tell me, so i looked for the evidence in his phone and found it- that is when he admitted to it.
I absolutly do not want to be that GF that feels the need to snoop, I want to trust, and I did in the beginning until my gut was screaming at me. I'm not sure how to differentiate between am I picking these men who are just not emotionally available to fully trust, or is the issue me and just beeing too insecure and trying to control every aspect of a relationship. Maybe I have never experienced what a good relationship truely is and feel I will never find someone I am 100% secure with because I have allowed myself to be lied to and burned so many times. I just want honesty and openness, I voice that and then it comes back to blaming me for not being able to trust him. Someone who has walked out on me, lied to me, cut me down, made me felt not good enough, etc. Maybe I require too much in a relationship or need to know too much information about someone's life and what they are doing... but I think in a state of trying to work out a relationship and re-build trust after being walked out on, someone has the right to be honest if they have been watching an Exes dog, or be honest about any other question I am asking to prove to me that I can trust you again.