How to survive life post-divorce?
July 7, 2015 2:42 PM Subscribe
Need advice from the hive mind on life after divorce. More inside...
After a five year marriage me and my husband are splitting up. We have been separated for a month and are talking things through, but the more I think about it, the more I think it is best to part ways while there is some affection and respect.
We are separating due to a lot of reasons that boil down to this: we are great friends but we are not able to function as a couple anymore. So we are going to split imminently.
Now I have been thinking a lot about how my life is going to work once I am divorced. I am 35, but look a lot less than that, I look after myself, I love sports and am successful in my field of work. I wouldn't have any financial problems post-marriage and I think we will be able to work out a reasonable split of our finances anyway.
But I am scared of 'what's on the other side.' Scared of the divorcee stigma (I live in a small town where everyone knows everything about each other's lives...I try to keep my life as private as possible though). Scared of feeling lonely and not having that "someone to rely on" when the going gets tough. Not having anyone to share my impressions on life and insecurities and expectations. I have plenty of friends but it's just not the same. I am not sure what to expect, even though I was always independent, lived in several countries and am used to sorting my own life out. I guess I am scared of the unknown...
In terms of more, erm, physical needs like: going out with guys for occasional sex. How does that work? I see girlfriends that are on opposite sides of the spectrum: either they pick up lots and lots of random guys just to meet their immediate need for physical contact, others just refuse to even consider another relationship or going out with someone. I am not sure where I would stand, but I am scared that I might not be able to meet anyone I really like ever again. Have kids, a family. I also don't want to put that horrendous pressure on any guy I meet. And I don't want to wind up depressed and turning into some couch potato feeling sorry for myself and avoiding life.
So, there. Lots of fears. I guess my question is, how do I survive life post-divorce? Is it all over?
After a five year marriage me and my husband are splitting up. We have been separated for a month and are talking things through, but the more I think about it, the more I think it is best to part ways while there is some affection and respect.
We are separating due to a lot of reasons that boil down to this: we are great friends but we are not able to function as a couple anymore. So we are going to split imminently.
Now I have been thinking a lot about how my life is going to work once I am divorced. I am 35, but look a lot less than that, I look after myself, I love sports and am successful in my field of work. I wouldn't have any financial problems post-marriage and I think we will be able to work out a reasonable split of our finances anyway.
But I am scared of 'what's on the other side.' Scared of the divorcee stigma (I live in a small town where everyone knows everything about each other's lives...I try to keep my life as private as possible though). Scared of feeling lonely and not having that "someone to rely on" when the going gets tough. Not having anyone to share my impressions on life and insecurities and expectations. I have plenty of friends but it's just not the same. I am not sure what to expect, even though I was always independent, lived in several countries and am used to sorting my own life out. I guess I am scared of the unknown...
In terms of more, erm, physical needs like: going out with guys for occasional sex. How does that work? I see girlfriends that are on opposite sides of the spectrum: either they pick up lots and lots of random guys just to meet their immediate need for physical contact, others just refuse to even consider another relationship or going out with someone. I am not sure where I would stand, but I am scared that I might not be able to meet anyone I really like ever again. Have kids, a family. I also don't want to put that horrendous pressure on any guy I meet. And I don't want to wind up depressed and turning into some couch potato feeling sorry for myself and avoiding life.
So, there. Lots of fears. I guess my question is, how do I survive life post-divorce? Is it all over?
In the year after I separated, I lost 30lbs, ran a 50k trail race for the first time, had an awesome solo car trip, felt no guilt about going on a month long business trip to Asia and found new lovers. I am now in a stable relationship that is far, far better than my marriage ever was.
Now, I'm older than you and was getting out of a marriage plagued by fertity issues and infidelity, so my perspective may be different. Also, I live in a large city.
One of the interesting things that happened was I ended up with a few new friends I'll call my divorce buddies, who were all going through the same transition. People find the people they need and there is life on the other side.
posted by TORunner at 4:09 PM on July 7, 2015 [9 favorites]
Now, I'm older than you and was getting out of a marriage plagued by fertity issues and infidelity, so my perspective may be different. Also, I live in a large city.
One of the interesting things that happened was I ended up with a few new friends I'll call my divorce buddies, who were all going through the same transition. People find the people they need and there is life on the other side.
posted by TORunner at 4:09 PM on July 7, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Answers to two parts of your question: 1. By all means keep your life private, but try your best to let go of the notion that you can at all control what people will say or think about you. All you can control is yourself. I had a very "sensational" divorce due to my ex's actions and the small town gossip, and I can't tell you how liberating it is to fully realize and live the fact that people will talk about you and it and it won't always be the truth but you can't control it. Easier said than done, but learn to let go. "Those who matter don't mind..." Etc. 2. Journal!!! I would write down the stupidest things that I had the urge to tell me ex. Just to get it out and onto paper. And I wrote down things I missed about him and things I was glad I never had to deal with and all my feeling. It wasn't poetic but writing helps get things out of my head for me. And no, girlfriends are not the same but in time you will make friendships and deepen friendships that you might not have if you were still married. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks. All I wanted to do for a long time was fast forward until my life was normal, which obviously I couldn't, but know that you WILL get there.
posted by sillysally at 4:19 PM on July 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by sillysally at 4:19 PM on July 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
You'll be fine. The period of separation before the divorce will be tough, but after that things will be easier than you think.
Focus on your friendships, your friends will offer you a lot more support than you think. So will your family. Even when you're in a bind and need someone to rely upon, it's ok to reach out and ask for help.
And the nice thing about being a divorcee in your 30's (vs. your 20's) is that it's far more likely the people around you know other divorcees and will be more sympathetic, less judgemental. Hold your head high and don't worry about the critics.
You'll figure out the sex thing and the dating thing. And you'll find that guys who are single, they're single for a reason - either they're out of a long relationship themselves (with probable baggage), or they're perpetually single and not going to be serious relationship material. But they could be good in bed. Getting out there and dating will help you get past your ex, by giving you more people to compare your experiences with and figure out what you want in your next partner.
posted by lizbunny at 5:41 PM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Focus on your friendships, your friends will offer you a lot more support than you think. So will your family. Even when you're in a bind and need someone to rely upon, it's ok to reach out and ask for help.
And the nice thing about being a divorcee in your 30's (vs. your 20's) is that it's far more likely the people around you know other divorcees and will be more sympathetic, less judgemental. Hold your head high and don't worry about the critics.
You'll figure out the sex thing and the dating thing. And you'll find that guys who are single, they're single for a reason - either they're out of a long relationship themselves (with probable baggage), or they're perpetually single and not going to be serious relationship material. But they could be good in bed. Getting out there and dating will help you get past your ex, by giving you more people to compare your experiences with and figure out what you want in your next partner.
posted by lizbunny at 5:41 PM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Getting divorced was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It has also ended up being one of *the* (if not THE) most transformative things I have ever done. I had two children, and there was all sorts of awful behavior on the part of my ex, coupled with the fact that he was the breadwinner, which makes my situation different than yours, but I was totally terrified of what my life would be like. I recommend reading some divorce memoirs (I liked In Spite of Everything: A Memoir Hardcover by Susan Gregory Thomas) and also the book Crazy time:Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life by Abigail Trafford
I spent a number of years along, focused on myself, trying out dating, figuring out who I was. Once the dust settled from my divorce, I met who I consider to be my "post divorce relationship" that helped me to work out some issues that still needed to be worked out- still friendly with him despite our going our separate ways- we wanted very different things at the end of the day. Just 3 months after breaking up with him I met another guy who I didn't expect to be a relationship- but we have been dating for a year, and our relationship is good, and we have similar life goals/ outlooks on life.
I too made many divorcee friends (we like to call ourselves that) and they were and still are my lifeline- many of them have not been as lucky in love as I have, but they are all without a doubt happier that they left their marriage then not.
I remember a friend telling me that when her husband moved out, and she went down for breakfast the next day, she thought while reading the paper, and drinking her coffee "no more Mr Critical telling me how to do things", and I always thought of that when I got divorced- I no longer have that tension of being with someone who I didn't mess with. It's a very freeing feeling!
posted by momochan at 7:51 PM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I spent a number of years along, focused on myself, trying out dating, figuring out who I was. Once the dust settled from my divorce, I met who I consider to be my "post divorce relationship" that helped me to work out some issues that still needed to be worked out- still friendly with him despite our going our separate ways- we wanted very different things at the end of the day. Just 3 months after breaking up with him I met another guy who I didn't expect to be a relationship- but we have been dating for a year, and our relationship is good, and we have similar life goals/ outlooks on life.
I too made many divorcee friends (we like to call ourselves that) and they were and still are my lifeline- many of them have not been as lucky in love as I have, but they are all without a doubt happier that they left their marriage then not.
I remember a friend telling me that when her husband moved out, and she went down for breakfast the next day, she thought while reading the paper, and drinking her coffee "no more Mr Critical telling me how to do things", and I always thought of that when I got divorced- I no longer have that tension of being with someone who I didn't mess with. It's a very freeing feeling!
posted by momochan at 7:51 PM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
No, definitely not over. Especially not in your situation. If you are good to go financially and you have no kids (it sounded like you had no kids), then this will be much easier. It won't be a slam dunk, but it will definitely be easier.
It's a great opportunity to learn some new hobbies and make new friends. The divorce stigma usually comes from folks from previous generations. And yes, folks will have opinions (spoken and unspoken) about "what happened to you two", but I wouldn't sweat it too much.
The only things I would advise are:
1.) Watch your drinking. Lonely drinking is no bueno.
2.) Join a gym. If you exercise already, then great! If not, then do start!
3.) Try meetup.com to find an interest group that you could meet up with and meet new people.
4.) Try online dating. If nothing else, you'll get some good stories out of it.
Take care and good luck!
posted by PsuDab93 at 6:37 AM on July 8, 2015
It's a great opportunity to learn some new hobbies and make new friends. The divorce stigma usually comes from folks from previous generations. And yes, folks will have opinions (spoken and unspoken) about "what happened to you two", but I wouldn't sweat it too much.
The only things I would advise are:
1.) Watch your drinking. Lonely drinking is no bueno.
2.) Join a gym. If you exercise already, then great! If not, then do start!
3.) Try meetup.com to find an interest group that you could meet up with and meet new people.
4.) Try online dating. If nothing else, you'll get some good stories out of it.
Take care and good luck!
posted by PsuDab93 at 6:37 AM on July 8, 2015
Here's a list of things that might help you:
Rule of thumb: Allow 3-6 months emotional recovery time for every year in your relationship.
Allow yourself the time and opportunity to mourn.
The bitterness will fade.
You're stronger than you suspect.
You're likely to have crying jags triggered by surprise things. It's OK. Mine was seeing a particular brand of yogurt which my ex-wife had bought me while she was caring for me after my wisdom teeth were taken out and it was about all I could swallow. It was an intimate thing that was so stark in its permanent exit.
Be open to being surprised by other people. I had several relationships post divorce. Some were clear throw-aways. One was absolutely smoking hot with someone whose personality I could never get along with long term. And the last was Mrs. Plinth who totally knocked me off my axis.
posted by plinth at 8:57 AM on July 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
Rule of thumb: Allow 3-6 months emotional recovery time for every year in your relationship.
Allow yourself the time and opportunity to mourn.
The bitterness will fade.
You're stronger than you suspect.
You're likely to have crying jags triggered by surprise things. It's OK. Mine was seeing a particular brand of yogurt which my ex-wife had bought me while she was caring for me after my wisdom teeth were taken out and it was about all I could swallow. It was an intimate thing that was so stark in its permanent exit.
Be open to being surprised by other people. I had several relationships post divorce. Some were clear throw-aways. One was absolutely smoking hot with someone whose personality I could never get along with long term. And the last was Mrs. Plinth who totally knocked me off my axis.
posted by plinth at 8:57 AM on July 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
RE physical needs: I'm not emotionally ready for a Relationship yet post-divorce, and casual sex doesn't lead to attachment for me, so I've found Tinder to be pretty useful. I put up a profile honestly stating what I was looking for, tried out a few people, and picked a few to keep seeing as needed. But only do this is sex isn't emotionally triggering for you.
posted by metasarah at 12:46 PM on July 8, 2015
posted by metasarah at 12:46 PM on July 8, 2015
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posted by brujita at 3:11 PM on July 7, 2015