What are some blogs written about parenting gifted kids?

June 5, 2015 4:57 PM

Recently my son was identified as gifted and I'm feeling overwhelmed. Can anyone recommend some blogs to read?

His IQ is way above the threshold for giftedness, and a gifted & talented teacher identified him as having many of the characteristics of a gifted child. So, for the sake of this question, we can assume that he's actually gifted in the "IQ in the 99th percentile" sense.

This came out when his school district evaluated him for autism, so I'm feeling a little blindsided. We knew he was bright, but had no idea how bright. All of a sudden a lot of his behaviors make sense. It's thrown me for a loop and I'm looking to read anything I can about parenting gifted kids. I already have a couple books, but I'd also like to delve into some blogs. I've been enjoying Jen Merrill's blog "Laughing at Chaos" because it's informative and funny without being pretentious.

Can anyone else recommend blogs about parenting gifted kids?

posted by christinetheslp to Education (20 answers total)

I can recommend not reading blogs about parenting gifted children. All the gifted children that I know did best when the parents weren't looking. That is when we were our most creative. Really, just keep several fire extinguishers handy and let your child be himself. Expose him to as much as you can but understand that he will fixate and pursue his own interests, no matter what you do. Parent him as you would any other child while keeping an emergency fund handy for property damage and special camps.
posted by myselfasme at 5:08 PM on June 5, 2015 [60 favorites]

I could not agree with myselfasme more.
posted by incessant at 5:10 PM on June 5, 2015 [2 favorites]

Are you saying that your son was not found to have autism, but they're saying, "No, he's just super smart"? That must be quite a relief to you. On the other hand, you probably had him tested because he was exhibiting some behaviors that were of concern, such as obsessive interests, highly intellectualized? more involved in his own intellectual interests than in socializing, not fitting in, that sort of thing?

Here's a website (not a blog) that might be of interest to you:

https://sengifted.org/archives/articles/misdiagnosis-and-dual-diagnosis-of-gifted-children


They talk about the characteristics of highly smart kids that can look like psychopathology, and they also talk about actual dual diagnoses of gifted plus e.g. ADHD etc. Just for some context. There is a term, "twice exceptional," for kids who are very intelligent and have something else going on such as ADHD or a learning disability. You might want to google blogs with that term.

About parenting gifted children, first of all, is this a biological child of yours? If so, isn't it pretty likely that you're "gifted" too? I mean, intelligence is highly heritable. Even if you don't think you're super-smart, the issue is really to drop the categorization and relate to your kid as an individual, providing him with what he needs to pursue his interests and also to learn within an environment where he won't be bullied because he seems very different and therefore "weird" to other kids. It's likely he'll want to hang around adults more than peers, so it would be good to put him in situations where there are kids with similar interests to hang out with (e.g. building robots, artistic pursuits, whatever his "thing"(s) turns out to be).
posted by DMelanogaster at 5:28 PM on June 5, 2015 [2 favorites]

Look for parenting blogs in general - some of the best advice/thoughts I've read has been from parents who have "quirky" kids like
Beth Woosley's five is enough. There's a big overlap in the parenting skills for any kind of special needs kid whatever the nature of the need; it's about recognising your kid and creating a safe home and a brave path out for them. Parents who only blog about the gifted child aspect of their parenting tend to be very focused on the status of being gifted, rather than the whole shebang. And you will only get intimate parenting blogs to the age of ten plus because after that, reasonable parents start editing out their kids' lives for their own privacy, so you just get snippets - the really hard stuff for older kids is in my online experience discussed by email within tight friend groups, on locked member only message boards, or in RL with mom friends.

I have kids at both ends academically, and it is the same parenting skills, just different scales, imo.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:58 PM on June 5, 2015 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: To clarify:

My son didn't qualify for autism or ADHD. He's not twice exceptional.

I'm not looking for parenting advice...more stories/anecdotes.
posted by christinetheslp at 6:04 PM on June 5, 2015

It's not specifically a parenting-a-gifted-child blog, but Julia of Here Be Hippogriffs has some seriously entertaining stories about her (clearly gifted) children and has discussed some educational issues including finding the right schools and teachers for her kids.
posted by k96sc01 at 6:28 PM on June 5, 2015

Not a blog, but I love the Jodie Foster film Little Man Tate. It qualifies as anecdotal and, you might say demonstrating good advice.
posted by cleroy at 6:48 PM on June 5, 2015

Best answer: Hoagies' Gifted Education Page has a long list of blogs.

Also -- not a blog, but the GT-Families listserv is very helpful.
posted by merejane at 7:20 PM on June 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

If you're interested in perspective from people who were identified as gifted as kids… I really, really wish my parents had had Carol Dweck's research on mindset available at the time. (TL;DR version: Don't praise kids for "being smart", praise them for effort, focus, persistence and creativity after setbacks, etc.)
posted by Lexica at 8:32 PM on June 5, 2015 [19 favorites]

Welcome aboard this ride!! It's wonderful, frustrating, everything at the same time!! Can't agree more with the above advice about staying away from blogs. Or at least, go into them with perspective. I was that mom when my daughter was identified..... Reading everything and desperate to be sure I did everything right. It felt like a HUGE responsibility, I was so overwhelmed. She is 15 now... And I've relaxed.... Just letting her do her thing and making sure that she has been academically challenged is really all I would say that you need to really worry about. The second part can be tough, we have had to do some unconventional educational methods but they have all worked out so far and she is starting HighSchool in the fall. Second child who just turns 8 is having his testing next week for placement purposes but I'm much calmer this second time around. I know he will score high, I know what works for him and I will make sure that happens. Then, I will let him do his thing. Whatever funny, crazy, nerdy thing that he wants to do at the time. Support your bright baby, keep them safe, provide them as much intellectual stimulation as you comfortably can and they will take care of the rest. Kids are cool like that.
posted by pearlybob at 3:49 AM on June 6, 2015

When I was a little very gifted kmennie I read all the grown-ups' books on giftedness (and parenting) and snarked on them mercilessly. "That is NOT what it is like." I found them pretty infuriating. I found that people who were not gifted did not get it, and it was frustrating when they tried to.

If you want more information on gifted kids -- ask your son. If you want to know what sorts of things you should be doing with him -- academically or otherwise -- ask your son. And please listen. It was really, really good when adults gave me choices, and listened, and really, really bad when they didn't. Part of being such a bright kid means a lot of insight into what you would like to learn and how you would best learn it, and you have that insight in a way nobody else does, no matter what the not-gifted-herself (gah! we could always spot them a mile away) gifted teacher might like to claim.

I have a gifted kid of my own now and it's great because she's so easy to parent. Problem? "What do you need me to do so you stop doing X?" Sorted.

Let your kid be the expert on your kid. He's certainly smart enough.

If you read anything at all I would suggest reading about 'unschooling.' Some people think the fix for a bored gifted kid is "more challenging" boring schoolwork. I think it is more about getting the right resources available. At one point my grandfather heard that I was interested in electronics, and he shipped me a lovely box full of electronic what-not, lots of old tiny motors in it. I spent ages assembling battery-powered craziness. School continued to totally suck, but at least I had stuff like that to retreat to at home. The pantry in every house we had did not contain groceries; it was re-labelled "the art cupboard" and filled with art and craft supplies. One room was designated the "newspaper reading room." There were -- thank god -- many books. You can't have too much of that sort of thing on hand. If you spot a nascent interest, load him up with the equipment for it. And then, usually, you'll want to make yourself scarce. The equipment will be much appreciated.
posted by kmennie at 5:15 AM on June 6, 2015 [4 favorites]

I'm an adult who was labeled as gifted as a child but not provided with gifted resources. In my experience, more challenging academics actually would have been really great. I ended up in a position where I didn't have to learn basic study habits until I went to law school, and learning them at 22 was a lot harder and more frustrating (I'm guessing) than learning them in high school or even college would have been.
posted by mchorn at 6:50 AM on June 6, 2015 [6 favorites]

I used to be Director of Community Life for The Tag Project. My very gifted sons are now in their mid to late twenties. I have a private invitation-only parenting blog. Unlike the parenting and homeschooling blog it is replacing, the intent here is to frame it as a memoir. If you are up for being a guinea pig (It currently has one post and one subscriber. I am in need of an audience and some feedback so I can properly develop this.), it might become exactly the kind of thing you are looking for.

If you are interested, you can memail me a gmail account so I can send you an invitation.
posted by Michele in California at 10:19 AM on June 6, 2015

I was identified as "gifted" in elementary school, and spent the rest of my time in school in "gifted" classes with others similarly identified. There's at least one thing in common that many of us have realized and which I want to you warn you about. We all lacked any sort of work ethic. This is because all the praise and shame our parents and teachers showered upon us had to do with the end result and not the effort involved. People only ever told us that we were so smart, or that our essays were so well written. No one cared how much time or effort was put into an assignment. No one cared if we were performing to the fullest of our potential. All they cared was that we could be given more difficult material and perform better on it than our peers did with easier material.

(This isn't to chastise our parents and teachers. They meant well and tried their hardest. But they involuntarily ended up producing a toxic work ethic.)
posted by Dalby at 11:34 AM on June 6, 2015 [8 favorites]

kmennie's suggestions and anecdotes above mirror my experience growing up as a gifted kid. School will be boring. Watch what your kid is interested in and provide as much as you can in terms of things to fool around with, reference materials, and expert advice - my solidly middle-class upbringing involved a lot of private art lessons once it became obvious I was into that, as well as stuff like guitar lessons until it became apparent I was interested in that but not into that enough to really practice on my own.
posted by egypturnash at 11:37 AM on June 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

Seconding (or nthing at this point) the recommendation for Mindset. I too wish it had been around when my parents were raising me.

I was a gifted kid and some of the things my parents did right included: making sure I was being given challenging work in school (mostly reading/writing in my case), having lots of art supplies and construction toys around for unstructured creative play, letting me read books that were intended for an older audience and saying "if anything makes you feel confused or upset you can always ask us", answering any question I asked about anything, indulging whatever topic I was obsessed with at a given time and encouraging my passions.

In addition to the aforementioned Mindset and the general concept of encouraging kids to "fail" early and often so they cease to be afraid of failure, I think it might have been really helpful if I had been given more outlets for socializing outside of school. My private school was a pretty conformist and elitist place and it resulted in two things: other kids being jerks to me because I was different, and me being a jerk to other kids because I thought I was better than them. I think my parents, who are both very compassionate people, were confident I would develop compassion and generosity on my own. No, it has to be taught. I'm very embarrassed by the multitude ways my "gifted" (and later, self-chosen, "nerd") label led me to treat others. Community theater and traditional music were the communities that taught me the shape of kindness. It might be something different for your child.
posted by capricorn at 1:55 PM on June 6, 2015

Don't push him or tell him he's gifted right now. It's too much pressure and depressing if he doesn't live up to the expectations he may think you have for him. Don't let him get bored, make sure he does as well in school as possible by supporting him and helping him in every way that you can, start saving for college (so he can go even if he doesn't do well enough to get scholarships), and socialize him well. I think those were the biggest barriers for me. Utter boredom in school; punishment when I did poorly but no support from my parents to help me succeed; the idea that I wouldn't be able to go to a real college because there was no way to pay for it; and merciless bullying from peers. Also undiagnosed ADHD. So some of those things may not apply. :)
posted by elsietheeel at 3:37 PM on June 6, 2015

Seconding Dalby. The gifted programs I was in have turned out some of the smartest drug addicts and college dropouts a guy could know.

I was lucky; my parents went overboard focusing on effort, rather that any innate characteristics. The most amazing thing that they did for me was to refuse my school's repeated advances to skip grades. They believed that social skills were far, far more important than saving a few years of schooling, and that it would be nearly impossible to get those skills if they pushed me through school too quickly. As irritated as I was at the time, it looks like the right choice twenty years later.

They also never shared specific test results with me (although they would tell me now if I asked, I suppose). Kids get competitive, and I still think it was rather on point to keep my scores from me.
posted by builderofscience at 8:21 PM on June 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

Oh yes do not tell your child their iq score - give them a range at most and explain that iq scores do have a range and explore what the testing means and more importantly doesn't mean, because they will meet people who will want to see them as a number and even as a "winning" score, that still sucks.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 9:10 PM on June 6, 2015

I was lucky; my parents went overboard focusing on effort, rather that any innate characteristics. The most amazing thing that they did for me was to refuse my school's repeated advances to skip grades. They believed that social skills were far, far more important than saving a few years of schooling, and that it would be nearly impossible to get those skills if they pushed me through school too quickly.

I understand this as a concern, but as someone whose parents also decided not to skip me a grade, I ended up really lacking for intellectual stimulation and ended up treading water out of boredom. Socially: my friends were more church-based than school-based, so it's not like disrupting my peer group was a big danger... and as far as social and life-experience skills go, me-at-17 wouldn't have been that disadvantaged going off to college compared to me-at-18. (I should note also that I was a tall kid and would have blended in better with older peers: if your kid is small for his age, that's a different calculcation.)

Regardless, your kid is probably going to be fine no matter what you do. Just don't don't be like my stepmother, who complained about me always having my nose in a book, because that shit is shitty.
posted by psoas at 4:31 PM on June 11, 2015