Should I look for a new therapist?

June 1, 2015 6:47 PM

I would like my therapist to teach me coping skills to deal with my life, as it currently is. Is that an unreasonable expectation for therapy?

When I started with my current therapist, I conveyed two goals. 1) become a more functional person in the long-term, 2) learn coping skills to deal with my life as it is *right now*.

Progress towards goal #1 is... trundling along. It's possible that in five years, I might be at a better place, develop friendships, or even find out what this whole romance thing is about. But in the meantime, I would like to learn some tools to feel better *now*, even if it's just incrementally better.

Since then, I have asked repeatedly for coping skills but he has shared not a single one. I spend hours and hours of time in mental loops of frustration, regret, loneliness. Surely, a therapist could help me find some tools to cope with these emotions?

Should I look for a new therapist, one who specializes in coping skills? Am I being unreasonable?

posted by beigeness to Health & Fitness (13 answers total)

Not unreasonable! Yes, look for a new therapist! There are certain methodologies that are tailored specifically to that (CBT is the big one that helped me and that many others here will jump in and suggest I imagine :). Find someone who specializes in what you're looking for.

You deserve better and you can find it.

Good luck!
posted by wemayfreeze at 6:49 PM on June 1, 2015 [6 favorites]

Yes, this is a reasonable expectation of a therapist and yes you should find a new one.
posted by joan_holloway at 6:49 PM on June 1, 2015 [5 favorites]

Yes, this is reasonable. But if you have a hard time finding a therapist that will do this for you, I've had a higher hit rate for immediate advice from coach-type people. Life coach, executive coach, people who focus on coaching may be more useful for the day-to-day "how do I change my life?" questions. (N.B. They are also usually far less educated and unlicensed, so obviously use your own judgment about whether/how to work with them.)
posted by instamatic at 7:15 PM on June 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thank you! To be fair, my therapist would say "the way to feel better is make improvements in your life." But that's just another way of saying that "when life gets better, you feel better." I already know that. And honestly I don't think I will ever be fully functional. Whatever happens, good or bad, I would just like to learn some coping skills to deal better.
posted by beigeness at 7:17 PM on June 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

It's totally reasonable to want to work on coping techniques while you also make long term changes. You might find it helpful to read about DBT techniques (radical acceptance, distress tolerance, etc.) and/or find a therapist who has experience with DBT.
posted by insectosaurus at 7:34 PM on June 1, 2015 [3 favorites]

I think what you want and expect is exactly what some/most/many therapists wish to and do see as a valid outcome of therapy. To me, that is what most CBT is about.
posted by AugustWest at 7:35 PM on June 1, 2015

I was also going to suggest DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), which is all about giving specific coping strategies.

You didn't say if your current therapist specializes in CBT or something else. If he practices a very specific kind of therapy that doesn't really address coping skills (and this also depends on what you mean by "coping skills"), then he should've said that, but it also means your new therapist should not be of the same specialty.

There are plenty of resources for finding a new therapist, but I'll throw out an early vote for Psychology Today's website, which is a lot like online dating but for therapists. You can search specialties, insurance, gender, whatever.

You mention not being fully functional. I don't know if you identify as disabled, but another resource could be an organization that helps disabled folks. I used a local one when apartment hunting was exacerbating my already bad anxiety, which is part of the reason I'm on SSDI.

Good luck!
posted by mermaidcafe at 7:50 PM on June 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

CBT and REBT both focus on short term coping and problem solving techniques. I've really appreciated both since it does not require years of talk therapy to realise results.
posted by frumiousb at 10:20 PM on June 1, 2015

Nthing DBT. Went to an adult DBT group for 6 months, in tandem with seeing a DBT individual therapist. Really helpful. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 10:58 PM on June 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

I just had this same experience. I've just recently been coming out of a four-year bout with very severe depression. My first therapist was the only experience I had with therapy so I didn't know enough to see it wasn't working for me. I stated my clear goals and asked her pointed questions about healthy coping and healing practices. All I wanted was some way I could act and take back even a sliver of control over my life, but she just listened to me and referred me to a book once in a while. And I was paying her $120 a week.

I moved to a new city and found a new therapist and it has been night and day. She has been incredibly intuitive, knowledgeable, effective, caring. Almost every session was a relief and I walked away with clear, doable exercises that helped me begin to free my mind from the darkness. Over the past six months I have made incredible progress. I truly believed I'd never be able to truly heal, that I broke my life. But while it has been a difficult road with tons of work, I am clearly, wonderfully healing. She has made all the difference.

My depression made it feel impossible to find someone that could help me like this, but do yourself a solid and shop around a little bit. Most therapists will be fine to chat on the phone or at least respond to an email, and understand a person's need to find the right one. Good luck beigeness. I'm rooting for you.
posted by y0ttabyte at 11:24 PM on June 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: CBT therapist, focused like a laser on social anxiety. Some real progress, with diminishing returns.

I think, and have told him many times, that the social anxiety is mostly a symptom at this point, not the disease itself. But we keep plodding through the social anxiety book. With diminishing returns.

Thank you for the suggestions! DBT sounds promising.
posted by beigeness at 5:34 AM on June 2, 2015

I spend hours and hours of time in mental loops of frustration, regret, loneliness.

If you develop the habit of noticing when you're doing that, and if you can convince yourself that it's perfectly legitimate to treat the mental loops themselves (as opposed to whatever they are about) as the immediate problem to be solved, you might find that it's actually fairly easy to train yourself to derail them.
posted by flabdablet at 10:51 AM on June 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: If you develop the habit of noticing when you're doing that, and if you can convince yourself that it's perfectly legitimate to treat the mental loops themselves (as opposed to whatever they are about) as the immediate problem to be solved, you might find that it's actually fairly easy to train yourself to derail them.

Yes, thank you. :) This is exactly the type of practical tip I was hoping to learn in therapy. I do have some happy scenes that I use for falling asleep, I will try crafting some new ones for the despair cycles. That actually sounds like fun..
posted by beigeness at 12:41 PM on June 2, 2015