How do I have a short-term dating relationship while on a break?

May 25, 2015 4:31 PM

I'm sort of in a long-distance relationship that will continue to be long distance for the next three months. We have decided to open our relationship and take a break for the time being. I'm not the kind of guy that has really ever done flings or short-term dating or whatever, but it seems like that is something that maybe I should be doing now -- at least going on some dates and trying to have some fun. So, how do I do this?

I've been in a long-term relationship that has been long distance for the last better part of a year, and will remain that way for the next three months. We've been having some relationship troubles that we've decided can't really be repaired until the distance is removed, and we currently plan on giving it a go and trying to work things out at that point.

We've agreed to go on a bit of a break, during which time we are free to see other people etc. I think it would be best for me and/or us if I dated around a little bit during this time. The problem is, I'm not really a guy who has ever tried to date other than for seeing if a more lasting relationship could work. And I don't know how to do this. If I were totally single, I would get on OkCupid, call myself single, and try to find someone I was interested in pursuing a relationship with. But the last time I was single was a few years ago, and OkCupid was becoming the Thing over Match.com, and Tinder wasn't mainstream yet.

I'm not going to go out to a bar and meet women that way, in part because I don't know if that's something I would want to do or be good at, and in part because I don't really want to discuss this in depth with my buddies who might be able to play wing man or wing woman and help me that way.

I guess any advice would be helpful, but what I'm most interested in is: OkCupid, or Tinder, or what are my apps or websites here? And, how much about all this do I need to disclose, and when, and how?

Please assume that I want to behave ethically towards women that I might meet, but I would like to be ethical in a way that isn't a turn-off or doesn't totally kill my chances, if possible. Also please assume that I'm dealing with my relationship with my long-distance girlfriend in an appropriate way -- how to do that is not really what I'm trying to ask about right now.

posted by J. Wilson to Human Relations (15 answers total)

Best answer: It sounds to me like this isn't really something you want, on a deep level, to be doing. It might be worth unpacking for yourself whether you truly want to do this or not, and the reasons for and against.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:45 PM on May 25, 2015 [9 favorites]

Response by poster: That's a fair point, and I suppose this question really should have been couched in those terms of whether this is something I should try to do, but especially IF it's something I decide, THEN how do I do it?
posted by J. Wilson at 4:57 PM on May 25, 2015

Best answer: Agreed that the best way to do this is not to force it. Just...lay back in the buckwheat and let whatever happens, happen. If you try to Make Yourself Date out of some kind of "it's good for me" sense, you won't have fun, and neither will your dates (women aren't like spinach or anything).

I'd just sort of...let fate decide what happens. If you meet someone by chance and there are sparks, then great, you can act on them. If not, oh well.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:58 PM on May 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: ☑ okcupid
☑ open relationship
☑ interested in casual sex [if you are], short term dating
☑ search for women who have "mostly" as a qualifier before non-monogamous or monogamous

Write that you are in an open relationship and are looking to date casually in several places in your profile. Always be completely up front and honest.

Proceed as normal.
posted by phunniemee at 5:01 PM on May 25, 2015 [15 favorites]

I think you need to be upfront. I would be extremely pissed to find out this guy was on a breeak, not totally single. If you're just having random hookups where you don't seee each again that's one thing, but by not being upfront you're taking away the person's ability to decide if they want to even casually date someone in your situation because they don't even know a complicated situation exists.
posted by Aranquis at 5:04 PM on May 25, 2015 [10 favorites]

Best answer: If you don't want to date other people just for the sake of datng other people, don't. It's ok. Why not date yourself instead? Use the break to experience new food or places or events.
posted by asockpuppet at 6:32 PM on May 25, 2015 [7 favorites]

I feel like OkCupid is popular with enough open relationships that you could gesture toward this in your profile there and do fine. You don't have to confess the whole relationship status, but if you note it in the "what your looking for" stuff (like check "new friends" and "short term dating"), I think you would still have interested people to date.

You might want to listen to Act 1 of the "What I Did for Love" episode of This American Life. It's an experience something like what you're trying.
posted by gladly at 7:05 PM on May 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

I have done a short-term relationship from OkCupid. He was on an overseas summer internship, had a girlfriend back at his home who was fine with him seeing other people. He was up front about everything and I knew when he was going to leave. On one hand it was nice that I didn't have to think hard about "do I want to be with this guy FOREVER?" but on the other it was a little sad, he was really nice and I won't be able to see him ever again.

BTW, about the open relationship thing... I mean, be honest that you are now in an open relationship, but just because you see someone on OkC who says they are non-monogamous it doesn't necessarily mean they are also interested in short-term and/or casual relationships the way you are. It's more important that the person you message on OkC has "short-term relationships" checked as one of the things they are looking for.
posted by picklenickle at 7:52 PM on May 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm not going to go out to a bar and meet women that way, in part because I don't know if that's something I would want to do or be good at, and in part because I don't really want to discuss this in depth with my buddies who might be able to play wing man or wing woman and help me that way.

Would you consider going out with one trusted wing man/woman, or on your own? You could go to events you're interested in for their own sake (concerts, what have you), not even necessarily with the idea of hooking up. If you should happen to run into someone who seems attractive and nice, you could just have a conversation, like you would with anyone. A low-key, well-timed ice-breaker and some small talk, that's all it is - your aim with this would be just to have an entertaining conversation, that's it. (You'd also be doing more fun things, which is a win.)

You wouldn't need to take it beyond that to at least get an idea of the kinds of women that are out there, doing things you like, know what I mean? Maybe that's all it needs to be, for now. And if it looked like you and a particular woman might want to get to know each other better, you'd (of course) tell her the situation and let her decide what she wants to do.

(The way to think about this is "I'm going to do fun things, talk to people, and have a good time", vs. "I'm going cruising".)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:25 PM on May 25, 2015

Travel. Go someplace you've always wanted to (bonus if it's someplace your accent will be considered cute). Go to a bar that gets great reviews. Make it clear you're only in town for a few days and want to see the sights and have some fun. If it's a major tourist destination, there may be others at the non-bar touristy spots who are looking for the same thing.
posted by Pearl928 at 9:32 PM on May 25, 2015

Not sure if you'd be comfortable with it, but I think Ashley Madison could be used for this sort of thing? Even though you're not "cheating," at least you know the women you meet there are comfortable dating a man in another relationship.
posted by Asparagus at 6:10 AM on May 26, 2015

If you're just having random hookups where you don't seee each again that's one thing, but by not being upfront you're taking away the person's ability to decide if they want to even casually date someone in your situation because they don't even know a complicated situation exists.

A thousand times this. There's a huge distinction even between, "dating someone who is also still seeing other people" and "acting as a side piece/pinch hitter for someone with a girlfriend" for people who aren't poly or into open relationships. Don't take away someone else's right to have all the info they need to know if they want to get involved in this--nobody wants to be the last person to find out they're a bit player in someone else's serious relationship.

Practically speaking, this means you state it upfront however you can in online dating profiles. (And yes, that will probably reduce your pool of possible dates, but so does being honest about age, weight, minor children, too much or too little hair, etc.)
posted by blue suede stockings at 6:44 AM on May 26, 2015 [3 favorites]

I agree with asockpuppet's comment that this would be a great opportunity to get to know yourself better instead.
I'm also kind of confused why two people with relationship troubles who want to try to work it out would think that now is a good time to open up the relationship. But that isn't the point of your question, so:

Make an OKCupid profile. Set your relationship status to "In an open relationship". Include a line somewhere in your profile that is something like, "Currently in a long-distance and open relationship, looking for casual dates over Summer". I imagine that you'll probably have a little bit more success if you look for people in similar situations (open relationships/poly relationships/people looking for super casual things), but I'm pretty sure there are plenty of people like that on OKCupid.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 10:07 AM on May 26, 2015

I also have to agree with a sock puppets response. You didn't ask for this answer but, I have a hard time seeing how opening up the relationship in the midst of your issues will help resolve things. The fact that you even asked how to navigate this situation is indicative the potential for mishaps.

That said ...if you do decide to date around, being upfront and honest is a necessary requirement. You also haven't stated what you want out of this short term relationship. Affection, companionship, sex or all three? I ask because people go into these things to meet different needs. In any case, it's fair to tell any dates about this. Not everyone will be into short-term dating or open relationships, some will be into one but not the other. It may limit your potential partners but I doubt as much as you may think, plus you'll have the comfort of knowing that the person isn't being deceived. I'd set up an OKCUPID profile and select short term dating and mention your in an open relationship. Then I guess you can break things off before you get too attached or even set a limit for how long you want to date.
posted by CosmicSeeker42 at 6:50 PM on May 26, 2015

Response by poster: Thanks, AskMe friends. All of your comments are helpful and have made me think a lot, and they are all favorites in my heart!
posted by J. Wilson at 7:22 PM on May 26, 2015 [2 favorites]