Sweet, sweet summer
August 24, 2013 8:47 PM Subscribe
Summer fling is over and I am sad that it is not continuing into the fall. I am also unhappy about how it ended and feeling unresolved. We never discussed how/if we would stay in contact and so far the past week there has been no contact. Want to move past this but I need advice for how to do this.
I just had a whirlwind, 2.5 week affair that I think has left me a bit brokenhearted. I met this guy at a sort of volunteer work vacation type deal. We made out the first day, hooked up the third, then spent the rest of the vacation having some (what were for me anyway) super-romantic fun times in amazing settings (think walking hand in hand in fields of wild horses (okay, they weren't wild horses, but that drives the point home better)). And hooking up a lot, of course.
The thing is, somewhere into week 2, it became evident to me that 1) I was kind of falling for him a little and 2) He seemed happy to hang out for the vacation but didn't seem keen on any sort of discussion about 'us' continuing after the vacation time. The situation is that he had just quit his job to go off to be adventurous for some undefined period of time until he felt like being employed again - so he would be traveling around all the time, not super available, etc. He is also a couple of years younger than me. I feel like he is in a 'I want to find myself' type period of his life, while I am more entering a 'Okay, I have been around a bit, I think I know more about who I am and I want to commit to it' type period.
The closest I came to bringing up the 'what will happen when this is over' conversation was one night when we were hanging out and I said that I was sad because he was going to be leaving the next week, to which he said that we weren't there yet. He dropped a couple of hints later in the week that he was not really in a place to settle down with someone, though, or maybe just with me (one and the same, I guess). So I didn't bring it up again because I didn't feel like being rejected in one way or another. The last full day we had together, we hung out all day, cuddled, frolicked, he said at one point that he was in love (in a kind of lighthearted way in the midst of said frolicking, not in a 'I really mean this, and let's talk about it' kind of way), but neither of us brought up the what will happen question.
In the end, we just said goodbye, I wished him good luck, and he drove off without looking back. That was a week ago and I haven't heard anything from him and am feeling kind of unresolved and hurt. I mean, I knew that hooking up with someone in this sort of context was not likely to lead to long-term bliss, and I know that I just need to wait a bit and I will stop mulling over this too much. I feel like he treated me very well while we were hanging out and I did go into this with low expectations that I kept trying to remind myself of. I guess I just feel kind of angry at myself that I couldn't just have an open conversation with him about what it all meant and whether we would see each other again, if we wanted to be friends, and at him for not bringing it up either.
I feel like the way we left it, it is definitely up to him to contact me (though for what, I don't know - I guess I would like to just have him ask how I am or something) and I have this fear that I will simply not hear from him again. We are facebook friends, but I am not sure if I want to be facebook friends if all that means is that I am going to spend the next couple of weeks stalking him and then eventually down the road find out that he has a girlfriend or whatnot.
I am not the best person with relationships in general. I feel like I tend to latch on quickly and in the past have had a hard time unlatching even when things are long over, though I am getting better at the unlatching step. I have never had a long-term relationship possibly partially because of this but probably for a plethora of other reasons as well (including not meeting the right person, I imagine). I keep mulling this over and comparing it to past relationships or hookups and wondering what the right course of action is to preserve my self-respect but also to be able to move on/feel resolved. Tonight I was thinking it over and I thought about just writing to him and saying that I felt unresolved and I need some resolution some way or another (his thoughts stated directly) but again that feels just like an invitation for rejection. I guess the other option is to wait for him to contact me or not or to contact him myself in a more lighthearted manner and see if I glean anything that resolves my feelings from either of those interactions. I guess what I'm asking is, is it worth feeling like I lost a bit of self-respect by starting a conversation that will likely end in rejection but potentially more resolution (and would it be losing self-respect to have this conversation?)? Or in this sort of situation, should I just wait for the feelings to fade? I keep feeling like I need to prove to myself that I can deal with relationship-y feelings in a mature and healthy way, but I don't know exactly what that way is in this situation.
I just had a whirlwind, 2.5 week affair that I think has left me a bit brokenhearted. I met this guy at a sort of volunteer work vacation type deal. We made out the first day, hooked up the third, then spent the rest of the vacation having some (what were for me anyway) super-romantic fun times in amazing settings (think walking hand in hand in fields of wild horses (okay, they weren't wild horses, but that drives the point home better)). And hooking up a lot, of course.
The thing is, somewhere into week 2, it became evident to me that 1) I was kind of falling for him a little and 2) He seemed happy to hang out for the vacation but didn't seem keen on any sort of discussion about 'us' continuing after the vacation time. The situation is that he had just quit his job to go off to be adventurous for some undefined period of time until he felt like being employed again - so he would be traveling around all the time, not super available, etc. He is also a couple of years younger than me. I feel like he is in a 'I want to find myself' type period of his life, while I am more entering a 'Okay, I have been around a bit, I think I know more about who I am and I want to commit to it' type period.
The closest I came to bringing up the 'what will happen when this is over' conversation was one night when we were hanging out and I said that I was sad because he was going to be leaving the next week, to which he said that we weren't there yet. He dropped a couple of hints later in the week that he was not really in a place to settle down with someone, though, or maybe just with me (one and the same, I guess). So I didn't bring it up again because I didn't feel like being rejected in one way or another. The last full day we had together, we hung out all day, cuddled, frolicked, he said at one point that he was in love (in a kind of lighthearted way in the midst of said frolicking, not in a 'I really mean this, and let's talk about it' kind of way), but neither of us brought up the what will happen question.
In the end, we just said goodbye, I wished him good luck, and he drove off without looking back. That was a week ago and I haven't heard anything from him and am feeling kind of unresolved and hurt. I mean, I knew that hooking up with someone in this sort of context was not likely to lead to long-term bliss, and I know that I just need to wait a bit and I will stop mulling over this too much. I feel like he treated me very well while we were hanging out and I did go into this with low expectations that I kept trying to remind myself of. I guess I just feel kind of angry at myself that I couldn't just have an open conversation with him about what it all meant and whether we would see each other again, if we wanted to be friends, and at him for not bringing it up either.
I feel like the way we left it, it is definitely up to him to contact me (though for what, I don't know - I guess I would like to just have him ask how I am or something) and I have this fear that I will simply not hear from him again. We are facebook friends, but I am not sure if I want to be facebook friends if all that means is that I am going to spend the next couple of weeks stalking him and then eventually down the road find out that he has a girlfriend or whatnot.
I am not the best person with relationships in general. I feel like I tend to latch on quickly and in the past have had a hard time unlatching even when things are long over, though I am getting better at the unlatching step. I have never had a long-term relationship possibly partially because of this but probably for a plethora of other reasons as well (including not meeting the right person, I imagine). I keep mulling this over and comparing it to past relationships or hookups and wondering what the right course of action is to preserve my self-respect but also to be able to move on/feel resolved. Tonight I was thinking it over and I thought about just writing to him and saying that I felt unresolved and I need some resolution some way or another (his thoughts stated directly) but again that feels just like an invitation for rejection. I guess the other option is to wait for him to contact me or not or to contact him myself in a more lighthearted manner and see if I glean anything that resolves my feelings from either of those interactions. I guess what I'm asking is, is it worth feeling like I lost a bit of self-respect by starting a conversation that will likely end in rejection but potentially more resolution (and would it be losing self-respect to have this conversation?)? Or in this sort of situation, should I just wait for the feelings to fade? I keep feeling like I need to prove to myself that I can deal with relationship-y feelings in a mature and healthy way, but I don't know exactly what that way is in this situation.
Best answer: Unlatch, Unlatch, UNLATCH!
Sounds like you had a magical and wonderful time, with you both knowing and acknowledging full well that it was a 'good time, good place' thing.
Cherish the great time you had, look back on it fondly, and move on! It's a life lesson: there are good people out there, and fleeting moments of joy are just that sometimes - i.e. not permanent. You're the more mature one in this scenario, so act like it.
Use the experience to know that you're capable of romance, joy, and throwing caution to the wind by enjoying a little fling. LOTS more fish out there in the sea who are at the same stage in life as you who are ready to explore a lasting relationship.
In other words... enjoy what you experienced, and don't ruin a good thing. No need to unfriend him on Facebook, but I'd probably change his feed settings for a while so you don't see all his posts.
posted by matty at 9:04 PM on August 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
Sounds like you had a magical and wonderful time, with you both knowing and acknowledging full well that it was a 'good time, good place' thing.
Cherish the great time you had, look back on it fondly, and move on! It's a life lesson: there are good people out there, and fleeting moments of joy are just that sometimes - i.e. not permanent. You're the more mature one in this scenario, so act like it.
Use the experience to know that you're capable of romance, joy, and throwing caution to the wind by enjoying a little fling. LOTS more fish out there in the sea who are at the same stage in life as you who are ready to explore a lasting relationship.
In other words... enjoy what you experienced, and don't ruin a good thing. No need to unfriend him on Facebook, but I'd probably change his feed settings for a while so you don't see all his posts.
posted by matty at 9:04 PM on August 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: In my experience, even though I tend to believe that initiating a conversation like that would resolve things in my mind, it generally doesn't work out that way. Then I am left feeling that loss of self-respect you allude to, and I still don't have resolution. YMMV. Good luck!
posted by mlle valentine at 9:21 PM on August 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by mlle valentine at 9:21 PM on August 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
In this sort of situation, I'd advise that you work on moving past it. I know that may come across as harsh, but the thing is -- you knew that it was a fling and that he didn't want to be in a relationship. A "relationship" often includes friendship. The reason that you didn't have the conversation with him about keeping in touch and all that is because deep down, you know it would have been him likely saying one thing and doing the other.
You sound like you may need it spelled out to you that there's no "future," but the problem is that people who think of themselves as "nice" often don't want to be the bearer of bad news. It is not likely that initiating or waiting on him will give you any help moving past the end of it.
It was a lovely and fun couple of weeks and that is really it. Will you lose self-respect by trying to force a conversation? Maybe, maybe not... but it'll be a frustrating time for sure while you try to figure it out all out.
The "mature" take on this is that you don't "fling" if you truly can't handle the casualness of it. Many people can't. Nothing wrong with that.
posted by sm1tten at 9:27 PM on August 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
You sound like you may need it spelled out to you that there's no "future," but the problem is that people who think of themselves as "nice" often don't want to be the bearer of bad news. It is not likely that initiating or waiting on him will give you any help moving past the end of it.
It was a lovely and fun couple of weeks and that is really it. Will you lose self-respect by trying to force a conversation? Maybe, maybe not... but it'll be a frustrating time for sure while you try to figure it out all out.
The "mature" take on this is that you don't "fling" if you truly can't handle the casualness of it. Many people can't. Nothing wrong with that.
posted by sm1tten at 9:27 PM on August 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
You know he didn't want to be your official boyfriend. He dropped enough hints about it. You didn't really need to have the discussion, because if he'd wanted to be your official boyfriend, he would have done more about this situation to make it last longer.
Sorry :(
"is it worth feeling like I lost a bit of self-respect by starting a conversation that will likely end in rejection but potentially more resolution (and would it be losing self-respect to have this conversation?)?"
I think you'll end up feeling shittier and stupid if you ASK him to reject you, instead of taking the hint. You 99% know the answer to your question is no--you really, really need the extra 1%? It won't give you "closure" or get you over this any faster. And given how this dude is acting about it, I suspect he'd just stop talking to you if you want to make this A Thing and have A Conversation. He sounds like he made it pretty clear he was there for the fling.
In the future...well, if you're a natural clinger (so am I), "fun" summer flings are not for you. Maybe next time don't get involved with someone who's going to be out the door for good in two weeks. You need the potential of a future and someone who wants to stick with you, and sadly this guy isn't interested in that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:28 PM on August 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Sorry :(
"is it worth feeling like I lost a bit of self-respect by starting a conversation that will likely end in rejection but potentially more resolution (and would it be losing self-respect to have this conversation?)?"
I think you'll end up feeling shittier and stupid if you ASK him to reject you, instead of taking the hint. You 99% know the answer to your question is no--you really, really need the extra 1%? It won't give you "closure" or get you over this any faster. And given how this dude is acting about it, I suspect he'd just stop talking to you if you want to make this A Thing and have A Conversation. He sounds like he made it pretty clear he was there for the fling.
In the future...well, if you're a natural clinger (so am I), "fun" summer flings are not for you. Maybe next time don't get involved with someone who's going to be out the door for good in two weeks. You need the potential of a future and someone who wants to stick with you, and sadly this guy isn't interested in that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:28 PM on August 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
many people never have a "summer fling", so just count yourself lucky to have the experience.
posted by cupcake1337 at 9:46 PM on August 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by cupcake1337 at 9:46 PM on August 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: My sympathies, OP. I feel for you and I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.
I also have a natural tendency to fall for certain people fast and hard (super smart, cute, capable), and I have been hurt so so so many times because of that. Yet, knowing that about myself has never stopped me from doing it! Some people get a rush from gambling or drinking; those things do nothing for me, but having crazy whirlwind romances totally has.
I'm not going to tell you not to have whirlwind romances. But I will give you a couple tips.
First of all, in my time of dating guys, I have found that the guy's overall relationship mindset at the time we met was WAY more of a predictive factor than anything else in how likely he would be to want to be in a relationship with me and how serious he would want it to be.
The crux of what I was trying to say there is:
The second thing is that... I'm not sure how to put this without being really corny. But I think a lot of guys see themselves as having a kind of mission or destiny, whether it's for the short term or the long term. And I think his level of interest in being with you is largely based not on how awesome you are or how hot he finds you or how much he is into you at that moment. It's whether or not he sees being with you as helping or hindering what he is trying to do. And in your case, if your guy sees part of his mission as, not to be crass, but traveling around "experiencing women" as much as he can, then being with any one person is going to hinder that.
I think women largely feel so differently about this, and popular culture doesn't help at all. We feel like, if we have strong feelings for someone, we would go to the ends of the earth for them. You know, like "ain't no mountain high enough, to keep me from getting you you!!!" And, "If you need me let me know cause I'll be around, if you got no place to go, if you're feeling down." And, "I'll be with him, on that midnight train to Georgia... I'd rather live in his world, than live without him in mine."
And so we feel like, the same thing must be true for them as well, forwards and backwards, like if they really felt strongly about us they would want to be with us and would go to the ends of the earth for us; and if they leave without looking back, then they must not have had strong feelings for us and there must be something really wrong with us. I think that's not true at all. I just think they are driven way more by other things, in general.
A last thing:
he said at one point that he was in love (in a kind of lighthearted way in the midst of said frolicking, not in a 'I really mean this, and let's talk about it' kind of way)
I think for him to tell you he was in love with you in this scenario was at best, very thoughtless and self-centered, and at worst, quite uncaringly cruel. Great for him if he felt that way in the heat of the moment, but he should have kept it to himself. This guy wasn't careful with your feelings. That's not good.
Going forward, maybe be on the lookout more for someone who is in a place to settle down, is looking to settle down, and feels like being with YOU, in particular, you with all of your specific traits, would bolster what he is trying to do with his life right now and over the long term. I mean it's great to get along really well, have a lot of fun together, be very attracted to each other, and I think all those things are important, but I think it's also important to a lot of guys that he sees being with you as furthering the goals or plans that are most important to him.
For this guy, I think it's best to go total no-contact, delete him from Facebook, the whole thing. It doesn't have to be forever! Maybe do it for six months or a year. If you're anything like me, time alone will make you feel a lot better about this. And if you found him I think it is quite likely that you will find someone else soon enough. I don't actually think it matters whether you explicitly ask him to reject you before or after you do this. (Also be aware: even if you outrightly ask him what you want to ask, there's a good chance you won't get the closure you are looking for, and he will just give you a "nice" and very ambiguous answer that will only get your hopes up, and won't answer or solve anything for you.)
posted by cairdeas at 9:54 PM on August 24, 2013 [25 favorites]
I also have a natural tendency to fall for certain people fast and hard (super smart, cute, capable), and I have been hurt so so so many times because of that. Yet, knowing that about myself has never stopped me from doing it! Some people get a rush from gambling or drinking; those things do nothing for me, but having crazy whirlwind romances totally has.
I'm not going to tell you not to have whirlwind romances. But I will give you a couple tips.
First of all, in my time of dating guys, I have found that the guy's overall relationship mindset at the time we met was WAY more of a predictive factor than anything else in how likely he would be to want to be in a relationship with me and how serious he would want it to be.
The crux of what I was trying to say there is:
You know, we think that the way it works is that first we will find this person who is just gaga for US specifically in a way they would never be for someone else. They will want to get in a relationship or get serious with us based on the unique feelings they have for us. But I think a lot of the time, whether people want to get in a relationship with us or get serious or not is based on things internal to themselves. And our awesomeness or perfectness for them isn't actually the top factor.
The second thing is that... I'm not sure how to put this without being really corny. But I think a lot of guys see themselves as having a kind of mission or destiny, whether it's for the short term or the long term. And I think his level of interest in being with you is largely based not on how awesome you are or how hot he finds you or how much he is into you at that moment. It's whether or not he sees being with you as helping or hindering what he is trying to do. And in your case, if your guy sees part of his mission as, not to be crass, but traveling around "experiencing women" as much as he can, then being with any one person is going to hinder that.
I think women largely feel so differently about this, and popular culture doesn't help at all. We feel like, if we have strong feelings for someone, we would go to the ends of the earth for them. You know, like "ain't no mountain high enough, to keep me from getting you you!!!" And, "If you need me let me know cause I'll be around, if you got no place to go, if you're feeling down." And, "I'll be with him, on that midnight train to Georgia... I'd rather live in his world, than live without him in mine."
And so we feel like, the same thing must be true for them as well, forwards and backwards, like if they really felt strongly about us they would want to be with us and would go to the ends of the earth for us; and if they leave without looking back, then they must not have had strong feelings for us and there must be something really wrong with us. I think that's not true at all. I just think they are driven way more by other things, in general.
A last thing:
he said at one point that he was in love (in a kind of lighthearted way in the midst of said frolicking, not in a 'I really mean this, and let's talk about it' kind of way)
I think for him to tell you he was in love with you in this scenario was at best, very thoughtless and self-centered, and at worst, quite uncaringly cruel. Great for him if he felt that way in the heat of the moment, but he should have kept it to himself. This guy wasn't careful with your feelings. That's not good.
Going forward, maybe be on the lookout more for someone who is in a place to settle down, is looking to settle down, and feels like being with YOU, in particular, you with all of your specific traits, would bolster what he is trying to do with his life right now and over the long term. I mean it's great to get along really well, have a lot of fun together, be very attracted to each other, and I think all those things are important, but I think it's also important to a lot of guys that he sees being with you as furthering the goals or plans that are most important to him.
For this guy, I think it's best to go total no-contact, delete him from Facebook, the whole thing. It doesn't have to be forever! Maybe do it for six months or a year. If you're anything like me, time alone will make you feel a lot better about this. And if you found him I think it is quite likely that you will find someone else soon enough. I don't actually think it matters whether you explicitly ask him to reject you before or after you do this. (Also be aware: even if you outrightly ask him what you want to ask, there's a good chance you won't get the closure you are looking for, and he will just give you a "nice" and very ambiguous answer that will only get your hopes up, and won't answer or solve anything for you.)
posted by cairdeas at 9:54 PM on August 24, 2013 [25 favorites]
You just need a few weeks. This will soon fade into a lovely memory, IF you don't try to contact him, stalk him etc. And yes, I think if you hold a torch for him then seeing his FB feed is going to get unpleasant very soon.
Cherish your memories, and if you continue to be his FB friend then just prepare yourself for seeing other girls on there soon. And please don't beat yourself up for not having forced a Conversation. You didn't have one because there was no way it could have ended with you getting what you wanted. You did the right thing to keep it light. He meant what he said - he loved that moment, and you in that moment - but it did not mean that he was open to trying to make it last.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:13 PM on August 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
Cherish your memories, and if you continue to be his FB friend then just prepare yourself for seeing other girls on there soon. And please don't beat yourself up for not having forced a Conversation. You didn't have one because there was no way it could have ended with you getting what you wanted. You did the right thing to keep it light. He meant what he said - he loved that moment, and you in that moment - but it did not mean that he was open to trying to make it last.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:13 PM on August 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's a little interesting that you frame the question in terms of summer and fall. What are your feelings and associations with these seasons, that make you think of romantic relationships as being somehow defined by them? How do you think you would feel if you had a "winter fling" that didn't continue into the spring? I don't know, it might be something to explore.
posted by mbrock at 10:43 PM on August 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by mbrock at 10:43 PM on August 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: This sounds like a wonderful time. I think you are going to look back on it with a lot of joy at some point, and as it recedes into the past even this sadness will start to seem bittersweet. Passionate, short-term whirlwind love affairs that never turn into anything more complicated than that are - in my opinion - the kinds of memories that are going to sustain you when you're 95 years old and half blind and do nothing but reminisce about the past all day. You kids! You beautiful crazy kids.
As for resolution - I was talking to a younger friend of mine the other day, and she asked me what my biggest regret was when it came to dating in my twenties. And I said, I swear to God, I wish I hadn't tried to hard to resolve things all the time. I wish I'd had the strength of will just to let everything play itself out, to find people I liked, spend time with them, and just see where it went. It seems to me that half my dating life at that time consisted of intense, tearful, circular conversations about the State of This Relationship, when, in retrospect, what did I think was going to accomplish with these conversations? Was I worried that I would wake up one day, married to a guy, and then realize, "Oh no! We never got drunk and talked about our feelings at 3 in the morning!! We actually have no idea what the other person is thinking!"
No. If you like someone and are straightforward about it, their feelings for you will make themselves clear. Communication is important, but a Talk-with-a-capital-T is usually code for "I am anxious and insecure about your feelings for me and I want to resolve those anxieties by forcing you to tell me that you like me as much as I like you, even though I strongly suspect that you do not, which is why I am so anxious about it." Unsurprisingly, these conversations rarely go well.
So yeah. I think you should feel free to contact him occasionally on Facebook or by email in a friendly, flirty way. Make it clear there are no hard feelings (because there shouldn't be) and that he is somebody who made you happy and that you're glad you met. That is honest. Maybe send him some pictures of the time you spent together. Don't hide how you feel, but resist the impulse to pin him down and force him to tell you what you suspect you already know. Not only will that save you from what would almost inevitably be a depressing conversation, but it will keep you happily and pleasantly in each other's lives should the stars ever realign.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 8:10 AM on August 25, 2013 [14 favorites]
As for resolution - I was talking to a younger friend of mine the other day, and she asked me what my biggest regret was when it came to dating in my twenties. And I said, I swear to God, I wish I hadn't tried to hard to resolve things all the time. I wish I'd had the strength of will just to let everything play itself out, to find people I liked, spend time with them, and just see where it went. It seems to me that half my dating life at that time consisted of intense, tearful, circular conversations about the State of This Relationship, when, in retrospect, what did I think was going to accomplish with these conversations? Was I worried that I would wake up one day, married to a guy, and then realize, "Oh no! We never got drunk and talked about our feelings at 3 in the morning!! We actually have no idea what the other person is thinking!"
No. If you like someone and are straightforward about it, their feelings for you will make themselves clear. Communication is important, but a Talk-with-a-capital-T is usually code for "I am anxious and insecure about your feelings for me and I want to resolve those anxieties by forcing you to tell me that you like me as much as I like you, even though I strongly suspect that you do not, which is why I am so anxious about it." Unsurprisingly, these conversations rarely go well.
So yeah. I think you should feel free to contact him occasionally on Facebook or by email in a friendly, flirty way. Make it clear there are no hard feelings (because there shouldn't be) and that he is somebody who made you happy and that you're glad you met. That is honest. Maybe send him some pictures of the time you spent together. Don't hide how you feel, but resist the impulse to pin him down and force him to tell you what you suspect you already know. Not only will that save you from what would almost inevitably be a depressing conversation, but it will keep you happily and pleasantly in each other's lives should the stars ever realign.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 8:10 AM on August 25, 2013 [14 favorites]
I don't mean for this to encourage you in fantastical dreaming despite the odds, because it's a really unusual story, but life is long and full of experiences, and this story in the NY Times Vows section about a summer fling that ended, only to pick up 35 years later, was a good one. I have a feeling that both people were much, much better off living the lives they did separately, growing and following their own dreams, than they'd have been if they tried to extend that fling into a life together right away.
In any case, cairdeas is right: you can't take someone who's not into a relationship and make them pursue it by force of will at the wrong time for them. The important learning here is that you learned something about yourself - that you probably want to date relationship partners rather than flings and one-night-stands - and you can do that from now on.
posted by Miko at 8:26 AM on August 25, 2013
In any case, cairdeas is right: you can't take someone who's not into a relationship and make them pursue it by force of will at the wrong time for them. The important learning here is that you learned something about yourself - that you probably want to date relationship partners rather than flings and one-night-stands - and you can do that from now on.
posted by Miko at 8:26 AM on August 25, 2013
Best answer: I feel like The Conversation will happen spontaneously when two people are interested in having it, I think that you didn't feel like pushing it because your instincts told you not to. Sometimes it's really good not to even have The Conversation, and just let things be.
Try to learn how to resolve things yourself. It's hard to explain how, but it has to do with putting yourself first, and not depending on someone else to feel good.
Self-respect is not about resisting an impulse in order to protect youself from shame. Self-respect is about accepting all your feelings and and making decisions based on what will overall be best for you.
posted by Locochona at 6:51 PM on August 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
Try to learn how to resolve things yourself. It's hard to explain how, but it has to do with putting yourself first, and not depending on someone else to feel good.
Self-respect is not about resisting an impulse in order to protect youself from shame. Self-respect is about accepting all your feelings and and making decisions based on what will overall be best for you.
posted by Locochona at 6:51 PM on August 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Hi! Just was rereading this today and wanted to say thanks for all your advice (if you are still checking this page). You gave me some good perspective on the whole thing, and some good things to think about.
posted by thesnowyslaps at 8:26 AM on September 15, 2013
posted by thesnowyslaps at 8:26 AM on September 15, 2013
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Now you're reading the tea leaves. I really feel for you, it's a sad/tough situation, and I have been there. I am not sure that my advice is good, and would be interested to see what the MeFites say. I know what I would do, and that is to write him on Facebook with this question, and if he responds negatively, or just doesn't, I'd de-friend him so I don't have to torture myself with his stalkability.
There is probably another strong view that you should let it be what it was, a lovely moment in life that maybe was a stepping stone to opening you up to finding a better commitment partner down the road, and letting it go without contact. I think that would be a fine choice too, but since you are the ruminative type I imagine it would be a hard one for you to make.
posted by Miko at 8:57 PM on August 24, 2013 [1 favorite]