Dating storm in a teacup
May 13, 2015 2:00 PM   Subscribe

A friend of mine just asked me about a guy I had a long weekend visit with; seeing us together one evening, she assumed he was very into me and that I was totally uninterested. That was really not the case, but it might shed light on why he has been fading since he left (I kind of hope it does!). Can you help me make sense of this (and myself)?

Background:

Last week, I met a guy IRL for the first time whom I had spoken to on a dating site for cca a month, and we spent a long weekend together (we live cca 4 hours away from each other). He seemed very into me right from the start, but he was most definitely very much not my type, and any vague curiosity I’d had about him as potentially more than just a friend went right out the window within 5 seconds of laying eyes on him. I really enjoyed his company though, and we seemed to very quickly develop great rapport. During the second day I sort of became more and more aware of his physicality. By the second evening – which we spent hanging out with some of my (female) friends, I was definitely lusting after him, and we ended up sleeping together. Great third day, slept together again that night, then I drove him to his nearest train station cca 1 hour away from me on Sunday, after three full day spent with each other (reverse drive from day 1). Some rather intense, deep, and personal conversations throughout, a lot of touching and flirting on his part.

He phoned me after he got back to let me know he was OK and to thank me (I’d been more or less his host/ tour guide in my town). I sent him some links to stuff we had talked about (using the dating site email), he responded the next day, then we exchanged a few more messages, but he hasn’t responded to my last one (sent yesterday, so more than 24 hours ago), even though he read it last night and he has been on the site since.

So I reckoned that despite the really great time we’d had together and the fact that he seemed quite smitten right until we said goodbye, he ended up losing interest for some reason or the other (the links I sent were about something political we had disagreed on, so I assumed this was more important than it had seemed and had put him off).

Until that is, the question from my (girl)friend, which made me realize that I may have unintentionally given him the impression that I wasn’t into him.

The issues:

1. The first time we slept together I kind of asked him to leave after we finished. This one I actually feel guilty about, since he doesn’t speak the language (he is not from this country), and he had to go to the street corner in the middle of the night to get a taxi, armed only with a scrap of paper I had written his address on. He came back after about 10 minutes, since there was no taxi at the stand, and I had to phone for one. I did realize at this point that it was a bit weird to just send him off into the night like that, explained that my bed was quite uncomfortably narrow for two people and apologized; he said it was OK, since he didn’t have his toothbrush etc anyway. My friend seems to think this was a very bad thing to do (she tends to pick up people from the street to house them late at night rather than chucking them out, so she is not quite objective on this).

2. I ended up sleeping in quite late and met him only in the afternoon the next day. We hadn’t made firm plans, but the understanding was that we’d meet up before noon-ish. When I woke up, he had messaged and called. We had a lovely day after that.

3. The second night, he asked if he could sleep over on the sofa. I said sure, he could, but then realized that the sofa would be really uncomfortable and too small, and let him sleep in the bed.

4. I didn’t particularly react to him touching me outside of sex other than by not pulling away ( I mean, I reacted inside A LOT, just not outwardly), nor did I really respond to him hinting at a ‘next time’ other than by going on and on about how lovely my town is.

5. At the station I kind of cut our parting short – the train was pulling in, and I told him he needed to get on quickly and pushed him in (I have train-station associated trauma, after seeing a guy being run over by a train as a kid). After I bundled him off, the bloody train hung around for another 15 minutes.

6. I was awkward, flustered, and rather monosyllabic during our phone conversation later that day – it was beginning to sink in just how much I’d enjoyed our time together.

7. Reading back the messages I sent him since he left, they might sound rather dry and non-committal (even though I was continuing a conversation we’d had). His aren’t all that involved, either (and he didn’t reply to my last one!), but might be marginally more … personal/ playful than mine.

8. Overall, I’m a bit worried that I may have come across as churlish and like I am not really into what’s happening. I thought I was enthusiastic and friendly in our interactions (flirty as well, but mostly when sexy-times were obviously on the table), maybe even too much so what with being so very available for more than 3 days and driving around with him.

Questions:

1. I’m mostly worried about kicking him out on the first night. As a man, would you find that hurtful/ impolite? Answers to this question suggest that it might not be the done thing, but are expectations the same in the case of a man? Should I apologize?

2. Would you take anything else in that list as a slight?

3. I have been frequently told before that I come across as either standoffish and cold, or else pally but otherwise not interested (ALL of my exes thought I was initially uninterested and polite, but rather snotty). Surely the fact that I slept with him, hung out with him and drove him around would have communicated that I am interested, though?!

4. Since I am not really sure if I came across as uninterested or over-eager, I am not sure what to do next. If the guy is fading because he doesn’t feel it, or because he felt I was too keen or something, I don’t want to press the issue. If it is because I sent a ‘not interested’ vibe, I’d like to change that. What would you do?

5. Finally, I can’t really make head or tail of my own reaction to this. I’ve not dated anyone in ages, and have never been terribly good at flirting and assessing other people’s interest in me (or lack thereof). I’d sort of resigned myself to him not being interested in me any more when he didn’t reply to my message, and now I feel both hopeful and terribly guilty for possibly having insulted him. What should I make of this?

PS. From sock account because this is embarrassing - I'm over 40 and should know how to sort this stuff out on my own! Thanks so much for your help!
posted by laceysocks to Human Relations (12 answers total)
 
Best answer: You're thinking about this too much; if you want to make something clear to the guy you should say the thing that you want to make clear to him. If he doesn't communicate back, or honestly, then ... there you have it.
posted by destructive cactus at 2:59 PM on May 13, 2015 [5 favorites]


Best answer: 1. I would expect no apology. Perhaps speaking with him about his emotions on the matter would determine if he thinks there is an issue
2. The phone conversation would raise some questions, it may seem that you were not that interested, but again, ask him
3. It would certainly show an interest at that time, but he may think there is ambiguity as to whether or not you are interested now
4. Be honest with him. Openly communicate your thoughts and emotions. If you are direct there is no potential for miscommunication and you can work on whatever the next phase of your friendship is.
5. I think you are putting too much on yourself, if he is interested in you I think he would be able to disregard all of the things that you have mentioned which could possibly be interpreted as a slight and try to further your relationship
posted by just another scurvy brother at 2:59 PM on May 13, 2015


Best answer: I can't speak to point 1. from a male perspective, but I can tell you when I read what happened, my jaw actually dropped. If you were a guy and did that to a woman, throwing her out on the street after sex not even speaking the native language, everyone would be calling you a douche-bag of the highest degree, I would imagine. You messed up on that one but obviously you realize this!


2. Would you take anything else in that list as a slight?


Yes! Every single one of them! At least I would.

Look, obviously you are giving mixed signals to this guy, mostly "Hey - yeah I wanna sleep with you but that's as far as it goes".

So, if your question is "Hey - does it look like I'm not into him?" then my answer would be emphatically YES, yes it does!
posted by JenThePro at 3:00 PM on May 13, 2015 [16 favorites]


Best answer: I think you should worry less about what your girlfriend said and worry more about what he actually thinks. In short, agree with the folks above. What is your preferred method of communication? Which form suits you best? I hate talking to my partner by phone. It's flat and doesn't mean anything to me. But when we Skype, I can actually feel connected to him. YMMV but sometimes the method you use to communicate is as important or nearly as important as what you communicate. My ex hated to use email. I love it. Either way, don't stew, just be open with this guy. You don't need to apologise but you can try to set up another meeting and make it clear you like him, if you do. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 3:03 PM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Tell him you enjoyed his company and you want to see him again. If he says no or is non-committal, there's your answer.

But you know, he lives 4 hours away. He'd want to keep seeing you only if he'd had a great time and felt a real connection.
posted by wryly at 3:11 PM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


Best answer: From my perspective as a long-married middle-aged man, the two important questions are: (1) What do you want? and (2) How can you best find out what he wants?

It does not matter whether your friends or internet strangers think you made a social faux pas. It only matters what he thinks, and that can alter depending on the nature of your relationship going forward.

Can you honestly say this? "I really had a great time with you and feel like there are sparks between us. I'd like to see you again soon, but don't want to go pursue if you aren't feeling the same." If so, why not say it to him over the phone? If not, what would you like to honestly say? Go ahead and say it. The worst outcome is that you are rejected quickly, rather than by a confusing slow fade. In other words, there's no downside to honesty here.

Best of luck. I hope you get what you want.
posted by ferdydurke at 3:58 PM on May 13, 2015 [5 favorites]


Best answer: I think the most likely explanation is that perhaps a few of these things were slightly "off-putting" or made you seem slightly uninterested; however, the latter superseed the former- he clearly was not so offended by not spending the night that he did not continue to see you, so it is unlikely it suddenly bothers him now.

If there is something off-putting you did directly before he stopped communicating, that is another thing.

Either way it does not matter, because either way you should text him one more time- the tone should be something safely in-between desperate and laying it all out on the table and totally non-committal- and see if he responds.

I think by far the most likely scenario on his end is that he simply got home, had some time to check his profile, and saw some other interesting women. He probably still likes you okay but now there are others in the running and he's just reassessing a little bit with some time to think about it.
posted by quincunx at 4:09 PM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


Best answer: I just want to address this bit:

Surely the fact that I slept with him, hung out with him and drove him around would have communicated that I am interested, though?!

All it means that you were interested in sleeping and hanging out with him while he was visiting. If you want to make it obvious that you are interested in more (and I'm not sure if you do, personally, but am not your target audience), use your words.
posted by sm1tten at 4:35 PM on May 13, 2015 [2 favorites]


Best answer: I am so utterly confused reading your question- there are so many conflicting statements. However, doesn't the following admission explain it all though:

He seemed very into me right from the start, but he was most definitely very much not my type, and any vague curiosity I’d had about him as potentially more than just a friend went right out the window within 5 seconds of laying eyes on him.

As I read on, I expected to read a "but then I really started to get into him and realized there might be something more after that first night". But no, instead you kicked him out of your place after sleeping with him (and yes, that does communicate "I am not super into you").

This guy and your friend both seemed to get the impression that you weren't interested in him. You said that you weren't interested in him here. Sex and conversations really don't necessarily convey emotions if there are none inside to be conveyed. He picked up on that and is disengaging.

I have been frequently told before that I come across as either standoffish and cold, or else pally but otherwise not interested (ALL of my exes thought I was initially uninterested and polite, but rather snotty).

This exact scenario is playing out again I am afraid to say. Whether you realize it or not, you are filtering out everyone who won't stick around for this kind of initial treatment and leaving yourself those who will. This is something that you may want to analyze more than just this last episode.
posted by incolorinred at 8:23 PM on May 13, 2015 [5 favorites]


Best answer: 1) If you'd kicked him out at say 10PM, when the buses and taxis were still running, I think that would have been better. You were totally within your rights to tell him to leave at any time of day or night, but some times are better than others. I wouldn't apologise, but make sure folks can actually travel if you don't want them staying over, especially if they don't know the area.

2) Perhaps not a s a slight, but I would take things as a sign you weren't actually interested. Or perhaps, you were just interested only in sex, which is a completely OK thing to be interested in, but I think most people want some kind of relationship to go along with that.

3) While it might communicate to you that doing those things means you're interested, it doesn't necessarily follow that it means that to someone else.

4) Ask for what you want. If you want to see this guy again, let him know that. He might say yes or he might say no, but at least you'll have tried. If you do contact him again, which isn't pressuring him, that only comes after he's made it clear he's not up for anything, make it clear about how and what you feel, using words.

5) Nobody gets it right all of the time. You're only human, and human interaction with other humans is often messy and complicated. Let him know that you're interested, and his response, or lack thereof, will give you some clarity. The ship might have sailed, it might not. You won't know until you ask him.

Story time: I was once in bed with someone who was extremely unresponsive to what I was doing. No movement, no sighs of pleasure, nothing. I honestly felt like I was sexually assaulting them, because they just seemed so uncomfortable. Turns out they were really enjoying themselves and this is just how they were. Long story short, despite them being up for it, we didn't hook up again. If you want something, make it clear to the other person that you want it, so you can be sure that they know.
posted by Solomon at 11:49 PM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


Best answer: No need to feel any guilt or embarrassment here! No matter where it goes, or not, from here, it sounds like you had a lovely weekend and some fun, sexy times with an attractive person, and he had the class to call to thank you for it. Win/win I say. So I would absolutely not worry about having "insulted" this man or anything. I'll wager that whether or not he is interested in dating you going forward probably has more to do with the fact you live 4 hours apart than anything that was said or done. He may simply be looking for someone more local -- maybe you should, too? Anyway, this doesn't need to be a referendum on How Laceysocks Comes Across In Dating Situations. You sent off enough of an "I'm interested" vibe to signal to him you wanted to have sex a couple of times so I'd take that as clear and convincing evidence you're doing just fine in the Demonstrating Interest department.

"any vague curiosity I’d had about him as potentially more than just a friend went right out the window within 5 seconds of laying eyes on him. I really enjoyed his company though, and we seemed to very quickly develop great rapport. During the second day I sort of became more and more aware of his physicality. By the second evening – which we spent hanging out with some of my (female) friends, I was definitely lusting after him, and we ended up sleeping together."

I find this part of your question super intriguing -- the arc of how you went from hell no upon seeing him for the first time to eventually finding him lustworthy after all. I've heard when women realize that other women in their group find a man attractive he becomes more attractive in their own eyes. Interesting. Sounds like the opinions of your female friends are really important to you. I mean, if it weren't for your girlfriend giving her opinion to you about that night, including her assessment of you not being interested, would your reaction to his lack of response to your message the other day have been this strong?

"I’d sort of resigned myself to him not being interested in me any more when he didn’t reply to my message"

Yes, I think that's definitely it. If he doesn't respond to the message you sent on May 12, maybe send him one more message saying what you want to see happen, and then if he doesn't respond the way you'd like, then peace out. Or just leave things be as they are (a very pleasant memory to keep in your back pocket).
posted by hush at 8:54 AM on May 14, 2015


Response by poster: So I had a long think last night after reading your answers, and decided to let this drop. Mostly because, reading your answers, I realized that I should actually have asked a totally different question, and whether this guy messages or not isn’t really the issue.

FWIW, in the past, it was enough if I sensed someone like me a lot to forget about what I wanted and ‘give in’, if we were in a situation where I had to be unambiguous in my response. I developed various strategies for avoiding being put on the spot and creating distance without assuming responsibility for communicating what I want/ don’t want, such as being overly ambiguous/ hard to pin down, standoffish, pally, intellectual etc. I became a master of evasion, but a few times when these methods failed I slept with people just to get rid of them, then did my best to avoid them, or cranked up the not interested vibe hoping for the best. At some point, the mannerisms I’d developed became second nature, and I did them regardless of whether I actually liked the person. Not that it was always easy to figure out if I did, what with all the smokescreens and the subterfuge within a subterfuge strategies. And guilt used to be positively eroticizing – I have fallen for people because I felt I'd treated them shabbily and ‘owed’ them.

I was sure I’d left all that behind a few years ago, but the more I remember details of our interactions, the more I realize I slipped into that pattern as soon as I felt that he was really into me (which, ironically, he probably wasn’t!). So we probably both dodged a bullet.

The one normalcy in this mess is re. this:

I've heard when women realize that other women in their group find a man attractive he becomes more attractive in their own eyes.

No, I wasn’t being inspired by my friends; he is very much not my physical type, but absolutely charming and we had what I felt was amazing rapport. Plus he seemed very, very into me in all sorts of ways, which … see above. So yeah, just a different flavour of fucked-up.

I am somewhat crestfallen right now, and will probably need some serious self-analysis to wrap my head round this. Dating will be off the table for a looong while.

Thank you very much for your help – I would have remained blind to what was going on without your input.
posted by laceysocks at 1:00 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


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