"I had a great time tonight... now go home"?
March 12, 2009 8:00 AM   Subscribe

After casual sex, what is the etiquette about staying the night?

After a hookup a few months ago, I asked the guy if he minded if I slept over because a) it was 2:00 AM, b) as a twenty-something female, I get nervous walking to the subway and back to my apartment alone at that hour, and c) I generally enjoy the post-sex cuddling and sleeping arrangement.

However, the guy seemed taken aback and awkwardly stammered out, "um...well, I guess that would be okay". I felt like an idiot and was too embarrassed to ask again.

Unless I hook up with a neighbor, it's likely that any guy that I sleep with will be at least an hour's subway ride away, especially very early in the morning when the trains are infrequent.

I am very new to this scene, and feel naive. Is it generally expected that the guest goes home right after sex? How can one bring up spending the night without being a burden on the host? Is this generally worked out beforehand?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (54 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite

 
Just fall asleep, as you're already (presumably) naked and in bed. Then get up early, and quietly leave, with no expectations of morning sex/breakfast in bed/exchange of names.
posted by Grither at 8:05 AM on March 12, 2009


This guy sounds like a jerk. Don't let him set the standard.

I am married, and am out of the scene, but it's unthinkable that I would kick a woman out of my house at 2:00 am.
posted by milarepa at 8:09 AM on March 12, 2009 [15 favorites]


Assume that you'll be going home unless the offer to stay is very convincingly offered -- and even then assume you'll be going home, because no matter how nice that sounds at 2 AM, 7:30 always presents realities that no person should have to deal with before their morning coffee.

It sucks being out late and being tired the next day, but at least then all day you'll get to periodically remember WHY you're tired.
posted by hermitosis at 8:09 AM on March 12, 2009


In this case, I think that you handled it appropriately, in that it would have been a major hassle to get home at that time. Otherwise, it's the host's prerogative, IMO, and the "guest" should make motions as if they are leaving, and then the host can invite a sleepover, if they want it.
posted by Danf at 8:09 AM on March 12, 2009


At 2am I think someone would need a pretty good reason in order to make it OK to throw you out. That's why they call it sleeping with someone, isn't it?
posted by Phanx at 8:11 AM on March 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


Is it generally expected that the guest goes home right after sex?

Jesus, no, of course not.

How can one bring up spending the night without being a burden on the host?

Anyone who thinks it's a burden shouldn't be the host and frankly shouldn't be getting laid in the first place. The dude you were with was incredibly rude.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 8:11 AM on March 12, 2009 [15 favorites]


Seconding Grither. You just fall asleep there -- you don't raise the question. Maybe it's awkward the next morning, but leaving right after sex strikes me as even more awkward.
posted by creasy boy at 8:15 AM on March 12, 2009 [3 favorites]


This is a super complicated topic that is really best triangulated on a case by case basis. In general with 1st-3rd date sex you should plan on going home unless asked but it all depends on how into each-other you are and how comfortable he is with having guests etc.

Factors:
** person A may not want commitment. A subtle signal of this is not waking up together. If it is that person's place, they will say something like: "I should go to bed." rather than "You should stay here." If the other person asks to stay the polite response is "Oh sure but I have to get up really early to take my sick grandmother to the airport." Much like the faux-attempt to pay for dinner, a good method is: once it's clear that you're both tired...look around adorably and rhetorically inquire to the room, "Oh my, it's late, how can I getting home from here I wonder?" If he doesn't ask you to stay, he's just not that into you. Yet. Find your underwear and depart gracefully.
** also the opposite--perceived clinginess. One party may decide that going home is the best way to display their independence. This party usually did not pay for dinner.
** Drunkenness. If you're pretty drunk, you both may want to attempt to get home because seeing each-other the next morning all gross and pukey may cause more regret that is really necessary. (Balanced out by drunk driving danger if you're in the 'burbs--always err on the side of embarrassment over death please)
** actual danger of neighborhood (not imagined danger, mind you, which means nowhere in manhattan or brooklyn count).
** if either party did not orgasm or manage to enact everything expected, it is likely that more efforts are to be exerted in the morning. Extract yourself if this seems like a task best left to the bereft party.
** if its a weeknight, the chances that your presence will actually be disruptive skyrocket.
** roommates. If there are none, the host should have much less reason to say no.

Always always always know how to get home from wherever you are, and have the cab- or bus-fare to do so. Never underestimate the ability of guys to suddenly stop caring after sex, or your own capacity to fail to realize that your date is in fact a buffoon, or just very private about his sleeping area.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:26 AM on March 12, 2009 [3 favorites]


I would stay. Even if the guy doesn't want me there, there's no way I'm getting on a train at 2am. He got something out of this, so he should have the decency to ask you to stay, or at least not sound unhappy about it. If he's being a jerk and wants you out, be a jerk back and stay if that feels safer to you. Who cares if it inconveniences him.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 8:29 AM on March 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


Kate: how would you handle it after having casual sex (ie you probably don't know him that well) with a guy at your place if he just assumed he was sleeping over? It's your space, shouldn't the guest have some responsibility to make sure s/he is invited? Is the difference only that it is more dangerous for women late at night than men?
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:37 AM on March 12, 2009


If you don't want a relationship, I'd recommend leaving as soon as it gets light outside. You're not expected to do anything that makes you uneasy, like walking through a strange neighborhood in the dark, but you're also not expected to stick around and hang out any longer than is really necessary.
posted by decathecting at 8:43 AM on March 12, 2009


I wouldn't even put somebody I hadn't just slept with out at that time of night.

This guy wasn't being normal about it. If his goal was not to see you again he got a good start on it, yeah?
posted by jon_kill at 8:45 AM on March 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


It's your space, shouldn't the guest have some responsibility to make sure s/he is invited?

They just fucked guy. How much more assurance does one need that s/he is indeed invited?

OP, you don't need to ask if you're allowed to spend the night. You're staying unless he tells you to leave, or you want to leave. And if a guy does tell you to leave that late and you're not comfortable doing that, tell him no. Or tell him you'll go if he escorts you back to your place and if he won't then you're staying in his bed or on his couch.

Also, you may want to consider the possibility that said guy was startled by the question. Maybe no one has ever asked before.
posted by trueluk at 8:48 AM on March 12, 2009


Uh so basically on the evidence of these answers, nobody agrees and you have to judge it case by case depending on the person.

Personally I'm on the side of "what the hell is your problem with someone sleeping over if you've been willing to participate in the far more intimate act of having sex with them?" but whatever.

Your personal safety on the streets at night should be an absolute, but you might want to have alternative means to safeguard this (eg money for a cab) if you're going to do the one-night stand thing, since almost by definition you won't know in advance if the person in question is, as in this case, an odd character with weird ideas about sharing his bed.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 8:51 AM on March 12, 2009 [3 favorites]


Is it generally expected that the guest goes home right after sex?

Well, judging by the guy you mentioned, no it's not expected. Doesn't make him a jerk, you two just had different expectations, which you awkwardly worked out. The best thing to do is not get to that point.

How can one bring up spending the night without being a burden on the host?
Mention several times in conversations that you're after 9pm time, you turn into a pumpkin and stay the night where ever you are.

Is this generally worked out beforehand?

Never mind what is generally done, what do you personally want? You said want to snuggle afterwards, fine nothing wrong with that, but come the morning, what do you want? 'Cause to most guys, wanting to stay and snuggle probably sounds like something else and that may be freaking them out. So you need to signal what you want/like, signal it several times, in a clear way so the guy understands it. Because if you don't, you'll wind up at 2am in the morning in awkward situation and feeling like an idiot.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:54 AM on March 12, 2009


Potomac Avenue: If I invited the guy into my apartment, and especially into my private parts, then I would hope he doesn't scare me/repulse me so much that I would not have him stay over.

As jon_kill put it, I'd NEVER expect anyone to leave that time of night, old friend, new friend, casual-sex friend, casual-sex non-friend. If for some reason I didn't want someone staying over I would tell them before hanging out (or before the sex) why I had to be up early in the morning or something.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 9:00 AM on March 12, 2009


Maybe he was a little freaked out because you asked? And not because you wanted to spend the night in the first place? I don't have much experience in this matter, but from my college days with a socially-active roommate most guys just slept over after a certain hour, even if they hadn't had sex.
posted by muddgirl at 9:00 AM on March 12, 2009


It would be highly unusual not to sleep over at that point. The only thing that I can see would need to be worked out before hand is if there was some reason why you couldn't stay the night. ie extremely early job, roommate rules, etc
posted by andythebean at 9:08 AM on March 12, 2009


We men folk are pretty f'n stupid. We're generally amazed when someone sleeps with us at all. Then to ask to stay longer, opening up the possibility of more sex in the morning? I'd probably stammer a bit, too. Then I'd go into the bathroom and say a silent prayer of thanks to whatever gods brought me such good fortune.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:27 AM on March 12, 2009 [6 favorites]


I've never slept with someone and then been asked to leave. In fact, the one time I did leave immediately after (because I had an ultimate frisbee tournament that I'd be leaving for at 7am, and really needed some quality sleep), the person I was with was taken aback because I wanted to go.

The advice given above (to judge on a case by case basis) is good; but what you should be judging isn't just whether you should stay or go, but whether this is the kind of person who will want you to stay or want you to go. And if it's the kind of person who does want you to go right after sex, do you really want to be with that person?
posted by ocherdraco at 9:30 AM on March 12, 2009


Only fools kick people they feel attracted to out of bed after they've slept with them.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:32 AM on March 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


Cut the guy some slack; being comfortable/not skeeved out by someone in your bed doesn't mean you can't be a little reluctant to be unconscious in their presence. He was dopey not to have considered that ahead of time but it doesn't make him a jerk.

You should always be prepared for the possibility you'll have to make the trek home at 2am but there's nothing unreasonable about expecting to be able to stay there till morning.

I've been partnered up a long time, but in my single days there was usually something resembling a "come home with me?" question. It would be perfectly reasonable for you to say "I'd love to, but I don't want to be alone on the train at 2am - will it be okay if I stay there till morning?"

If someone seems put out by it THEN, with advance warning, find a better bed partner.
posted by phearlez at 9:34 AM on March 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


Stay the night, but preface it with "I have absolutely no intention of walking around at this time of night. If you need to kick me out, you're escorting me to the subway". Do not get all cuddly unless he initiates it. Either leave right when you wake up, or go another round. Lingering is not acceptable.

If you want to feel it out for something more serious than a one night stand, exchange numbers and figure it out later.

It is casual sex. For many people cuddling, sleeping close together and post-sex lingering is far more intimate than sex. And unless you want to get in a boundaries conversation the first night (which is also more intimate than sex), you risk sending out mixed signals.
posted by politikitty at 9:35 AM on March 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


If it's casual, then you don't care what the other person thinks anyways, right? Don't ask, and stay the night; who cares whether he's freaked out about it (which is irrational anyways, and probably not representative of most dudes). Then go home early the next day, perhaps before he wakes up.

Of couse, you may want to rethink this approach if you get a bad feeling about the guy maybe being an axe murderer or something. But in that case, you wouldn't have gone home with him... right?
posted by Simon Barclay at 9:53 AM on March 12, 2009


I would expect you to stay the night but LEAVE first thing in the morning......i think you should expect the same...if you are having issues and a lot of thoughts about this...make sure you mention that you are staying the night before you even get to the place and tell him that you dont like to trek out of your place at 2am.
posted by The1andonly at 9:54 AM on March 12, 2009


Another option is to bring the guy back to your place. Then you don't even have to think about it. Kick him out at your leisure.
posted by Simon Barclay at 9:55 AM on March 12, 2009


I think its normal to stay over past a certain hour, but in the future it may be useful just to specify it up front.. if the guy becomes a regular sex-partner (but nothing more) and he asks you over, just say "sure thing, but it's late and I'm going to stay over if I come, hope that's not a problem."

If it is a problem, invite him to your place, or (better yet) find a new fuck buddy.
posted by modernnomad at 9:56 AM on March 12, 2009


All the girls I know want the guy out, out, OUT after a casual hook-up.

But where's the confusion coming from? We already have a code for this, people:

"Do you need a cab?"

If you hear those words, get gone. Who cares if you don't like it? You're in someone else's place, you leave when s/he tells you to. Especially if you're a guy -- I think most women would feel threatened if they hinted that they wanted a guy to leave and he wouldn't.
posted by hayvac at 9:58 AM on March 12, 2009 [9 favorites]


Etiquette is to fall asleep but wake up & leave early. (Leaving early also minimizes the potential shame in the walk-of-shame.)

Anyone weirded out by you wanting to go to sleep, rather than home, at 2 am does not deserve morning nookie. Find a more appreciative hookup.
posted by desuetude at 10:10 AM on March 12, 2009


"It's too late for me to take the subway so I need to sleep here. Will you please set your alarm for 8 am - I need to get an early start."
posted by cranberrymonger at 10:11 AM on March 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


hayvac, I don't think anyone here, including the OP, is suggesting staying against the expressed will of the other person. The OP was asking if she was naive to imagine it might be OK to stay, and judging by the replies to this thread, that's not a naive expectation at all.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 10:19 AM on March 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


...with no expectations of morning sex...

Way back when I was single, if I ever got lucky enough for a one-night stand that would be a compelling reason to have the woman in question spend the night; as well as the fact that I am not the sort of guy to ask a woman to leave in the middle of the night in the first place. Although I have known women that voluntarily left like that, so I guess it really is a case-by-case thing.
posted by TedW at 10:40 AM on March 12, 2009


You know, I'm probably not qualified to give any advice on this topic since all of my previous partners have been (more or less) boyfriends, but if you've had his penis in any of your orifices, he ought to be grateful enough to let you sleep there without hesitation. And if he hesitates, he's a jerk and you should count your blessings that you'll never have to see him again. I mean, c'mon, he should at least offer you a ride home. It shouldn't matter if the sex was casual or not. It's a matter of human decency.
posted by faeuboulanger at 10:43 AM on March 12, 2009


Trotter - it makes me feel sad too but I don't know why. Please articulate.

I have never asked to stay over. I've always just done it. In the morning, wake up when you want to and do not act awkward unless you feel awkward. I have had guys who I stayed with leave before me in the morning (to go to the library! dorktastic!) but they made it clear that I should sleep as long as I wanted. If you act confident and nonchalant about it, people will generally play along and not imagine that it is a signal that you want something more.
posted by mai at 10:51 AM on March 12, 2009


Brandon Blatcher:
Well, judging by the guy you mentioned, no it's not expected. Doesn't make him a jerk, you two just had different expectations, which you awkwardly worked out.

Yes, it does.

Only a jerk sends a woman home alone, unescorted, at 2am. Regardless of what they just shared.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:53 AM on March 12, 2009 [6 favorites]


Only a jerk sends anyone home alone, unescorted, at 2am. Regardless of what they just shared. But yeah.
posted by muddgirl at 11:06 AM on March 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


if you've had his penis in any of your orifices, he ought to be grateful enough to let you sleep there without hesitation.

If you want to feel welcome there for the night I'd suggest not sending the message that you did someone a favor for which they should be grateful.
posted by phearlez at 11:23 AM on March 12, 2009 [4 favorites]


Always always always know how to get home from wherever you are, and have the cab- or bus-fare to do so. Never underestimate the ability of guys to suddenly stop caring after sex, or your own capacity to fail to realize that your date is in fact a buffoon, or just very private about his sleeping area.

I agree. If you're not sure if the guy you're about to sleep with is going to let you stay at his house, perhaps you don't know him well enough to be going to his house. Getting kicked out after a one-night stand is not the worst thing that could happen here.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:00 PM on March 12, 2009 [5 favorites]


"It's too late for me to take the subway so I need to sleep here. Will you please set your alarm for 8 am call me a cab - I need to get an early start."

Any grownup needs to always be prepared to get oneself home safely, no matter what the hour. You're a grown-ass lady, and if you don't want to maybe have to take the train back at 2 AM, then you need to have a little cabfare handy. You alone are responsible for your where-and-whenabouts. You can always decide to stay if it's offered or it feels right, but never put yourself in a situation where you are beholden on someone else's hospitality unless it's agreed upon beforehand. Unless, like KateHasQuestions, you see sex as a quid-pro-quo transaction that entitles you to things, in which case you should probably work all this out before you ever leave the bar.
posted by hermitosis at 12:13 PM on March 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


Definitely you should sleep over.

Just remember, though, that casually going home with a stranger (if that's what he was) could also be considered a *dangerous* activity.
posted by teg4rvn at 12:18 PM on March 12, 2009 [2 favorites]


hermitosis - it's not as if the guy asked her not to sleep over, and she gave him a sob story to convince him. It's uncharitable to assume she was imposing, all things considered.
posted by muddgirl at 12:20 PM on March 12, 2009


I'm going to weigh in on the side of the no-sleepover crowd. This guy doesn't owe you anything: you both wanted sex, you both got some. You did not fuck him in exchange for a bed, you fucked him in exchange for a fuck. If he doesn't want you to sleep over afterward, that's a separate situation that you need to be able to deal with. Show up expecting to be kicked out. Bring cab fare. Know the subway route back to your neighborhood. If you can't get home at 2:00am, then you need to finish fucking by midnight.
posted by Help, I can't stop talking! at 12:28 PM on March 12, 2009 [4 favorites]


Thirding the "always have cab fare home" rule.

Also...because I'm a mom...and because I've done what you're doing, albeit 20 ago- Don't do that. Don't go home with strange guys. Really. It's way scarier out there than you think it is.

But if you're going to leave with guys you don't know, those sorts of details should have been worked out *before* you end up an hour away from home with a stranger. For example:

Him: So, you want to go back to my house for a nightcap?

You: That would be wonderful, but I live in the other direction, I'm not sure how I'd get home at that hour.

Good response - Him: (suggestively) Well...you could just spend the night.

Bad response - Him: I live pretty close to the subway, I'd be glad to walk you there.

Worse response - Him: Oh, ok...wanna give me a blowjob in the bathroom?
posted by dejah420 at 12:31 PM on March 12, 2009 [4 favorites]


It has never occurred to me to not stay over nor that someone would leave my house. That is barbaric as far as I am concerned.
posted by dame at 12:33 PM on March 12, 2009


Not judging the OP. She wasn't imposing, she just wasn't very slick about determining what the expectation was. But while he didn't ask her not to sleep over, she did give him what amounts to a sob story. And I can imagine him being a little taken aback at her reasoning, because of the paradox that others have pointed out -- she'd already obviously demonstrated that she's willing to participate in risky behavior. And also, this means that when she went home with him, she was basically assuming that it would be okay for her to stay over there -- which is pretty presumptuous.

Her third-place reason, that whole cuddling-and-sleeping thing, happens sometimes after hookups, but that's basically what boyfriends are for, right? So she should maybe shed that expectation when she goes home with guys she doesn't know. (And it's not the most romantic proposal if you've already explained to the guy that you're mostly just less afraid of him than you are of the guys lurking at the subway platform.)

Clearly he was a gentleman about it, and didn't flatly refuse to accomodate her. If she truly felt threatened, she could have stayed there safe and sound with the near-stranger she'd just had sex with. Sometimes it really is more appropriate to stay; I'm just saying that as a general rule, she needs to be prepared to take care of herself, and not depend on the kindness of strangers.
posted by hermitosis at 12:45 PM on March 12, 2009


with someone, if you've had a sexual exchange of some sort, even if you don't intend on developing a relationship, he should have enough regard for you (and you for him if he were at your apartment) to not force you to leave in the wee hours of the morning. And if he really does want you to leave, he should ensure you get home safely by escorting you to a subway station, giving you a ride, or helping you acquire a taxi. That's all.
posted by faeuboulanger at 1:14 PM on March 12, 2009


Er, add this to the first part of that last comment...


If you want to feel welcome there for the night I'd suggest not sending the message that you did someone a favor for which they should be grateful.

Perhaps grateful was the wrong word. What I was trying to say is that if you've been intimate...
posted by faeuboulanger at 1:16 PM on March 12, 2009


I'm not sure how to proceed when people have different ideas about the value and importance of sex in their totally unrelated and individual lives. I want to censor them for holding different values, or better yet smush them like a grape, but sadly I am forced by the unsmushability of internet chat personae to acknowledge that perhaps there is an opinion spectrum of how important sex is between two people, or even what "casual" might mean to them depending on their upbringing and history. Against my apoplectic better judgment I have to admit out loud that the OP should find where she fits on this scale between Precious Gift to Be Given Only To True Love and How About A Blowjob In the Bathroom Stud? and she herself should expect the same variety of definitions to be held by potential partners and try not to mold her own standards into the frieze of judgment. All this will change when the robots take over however, and humans will mate solely for procreation through sophisticated humpbots of my own design, as nature intended. Soon Angelina.4x.27m3...very very soon...
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:23 PM on March 12, 2009 [6 favorites]


I thought that leaving right after the act was the main distinguishing value-add offered by prostitutes.

Unless you're being paid for sex to get way the hell out of his sight, personal space & very existence the second after he's blown his load, then I think it's quite reasonable to expect to stay the night.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:33 PM on March 12, 2009 [1 favorite]


So she should maybe shed that expectation when she goes home with guys she doesn't know.

she could have stayed there safe and sound with the near-stranger she'd just had sex with


Wow, judge much? Casual sex doesn't necessary mean stranger.
posted by desuetude at 7:16 PM on March 12, 2009


Wow, judge much? Casual sex doesn't necessary mean stranger.

My advice isn't judgmental on this matter in the slightest. It's just pointed. Even if this was a fuck-buddy or some other casual sex friend, how would that change what I said in my comments? With a fuck-buddy, you need to respect their terms like you would anyone else -- which means knowing when to stay and knowing when to leave, and trying not to change the rules of the arrangement on them mid-stride just because you stayed out past your bedtime. And to directly answer the poster's question, yes, anything that you know is key to you feeling comfortable or safe needs to be worked out in advance, and no one worth sleeping with will try to make you feel stupid for sorting a few things out in advance.
posted by hermitosis at 10:23 PM on March 12, 2009


I would never hook up with anyone and expect to stay at their place, so I always have a back up plan. On the other hand, if it's at my place, I generally ask them to stay - but don't take offense if they want to leave right away either.

I've been asked the question about staying and answered, "No you can get out. I've had my way with you now." But they ended up staying and we dated for six months.
posted by crossoverman at 10:24 PM on March 12, 2009


Heinlein had a nice way to put the 'negotiations' regarding sleep-overs. Ask the guy if he'd like to have breakfast with you. If he says yes, then you ask whether you should "punch or phone". If he says no, then either he's too hot to pass up, or you're selling yourself short, so look further.

Harvey Firestein, in "Torchsong Trilogy" had a good bit of verbage about this: "When a ugly person goes after a pretty person, you get nothing but trouble! But when a pretty person goes after an ugly person, you at least get cabfare." In days of yore, before women had been so liberated, it was polite for a man who wished to sleep alone to offer cabfare, not just to summon a cab. But women also used to have "pin money", safely hidden away in their clothes, for the purpose of paying a cab when that became unexpectedly needful.

I've made the trip home in NYC at all hours of the night. 2 am isn't the worst, but any time you're seriously inclined to fall asleep is far from the best time to be riding a subway. Sometimes I parted company with Mr. Rightnow because I felt ill at ease, sometimes simply because I was too awake after, and Mr. Rightnow was ready for sleep. Other times, simply because I felt like being home when I awoke. Far fewer occasions where I've been host to a stranger, but usually they stayed.
posted by Goofyy at 4:18 AM on March 13, 2009


I'm not into the casual sleepover (the morning thing is too awkward, I just want to get on with my day and not have to have morning small talk), and I wouldn't even be able to fall asleep at a guy's house if I wasn't sure he wanted me there.

All that terrible stuff said, I still think it would be rude to ask someone to leave after just having sex. Or to even want them to leave, really. (So yes, what I'm saying is that I know my behavior is off.) I wouldn't actually kick anybody out unless it was something we talked about earlier (like telling the guy earlier in the evening, in a nice/playful way, that I wouldn't be comfortable with a sleepover at this point in our relationship, but that there are lots of other things I'm comfortable with, hint hint, etc.).

So, like that, I like to get it out in the open. I thought your question about whether this is worked out beforehand was silly at first, but honestly, I DO try to do just that but in a playful way. If we're out at a bar/restaurant/event together and it's time to leave and it looks like the next step would be to head back to his house, I'll say playfully, "Now if I'm going to come over at this time of night, you've got me til morning. Does that work for you?" Or if we were just hanging out at his house, at some point in the evening I'd just bring up the same type of thing but in a different context, like, if we're still sitting on his couch having cocktails at 11pm I'd say, "So, if this night is going to continue much later, I have to ask you if it's OK until I stay til morning because a 2am subway ride isn't something I'm interested in tonight" or some such.

And this isn't like a contract signing, it's playful and coy. Then you just don't have to worry about what the expectations are later.

And if he does balk when you bring these things up, then you can choose to go home before the sex happens, if it makes your more comfortable. Or you can go along with it, and just mentally prepare yourself for the 2am subway ride home. But at least the expectations are out in the open.
posted by iguanapolitico at 3:40 PM on March 13, 2009 [2 favorites]


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