How to handle an affair?

April 17, 2015 9:14 AM

Looking for suggestions on how to deal with the emotional aspects of an extramarital relationship.

Preamble: I'm a 35 year old female. My husband and I haven't had sex in about 5 of the 7 years of marriage. He has pursued affairs for a good few years and we had a lot of heartache over this, fights that led to my frigidity etc. He still talks to somebody however I can't tell for certain whether they are seeing each other - even though there is a strong possibility. Despite all that, the summary is that we have a good marriage otherwise, we are good friends, have a laugh etc. But we have become an asexual couple due to these trust issues and I am the one who has shut down.

I carried on living despite these issues, decided to ignore that for a bit and hadn't really considered an affair until recently. A contractor, who I will call Paul for the purposes of this question, was doing a job at my office, where I started to work on my own, we started flirting via text and that eventually evolved into sex. This was a major confidence boost for me: I started feeling pretty and desirable again, etc etc. Without going on about it too much, this involvement brought a part of me that I didn't even remember back to life. It felt - and it feels - really good. Physically speaking it's all fantastic.

Now, the encounters I have had with Paul were somewhat rushed and a little tense because of the time, place and so on. It is worth mentioning that he is also married. I did say to him what my motivations for the affair were (my husband's escapades and basically going crazy because of lack of sex) and that I wasn't looking to leave him, nor was I looking for emotional involvement or pester him with late night texts. In fact, this affair helped my own marriage a great deal - for reasons including me feeling less angry with my husband.

After this chat, Paul seemed to feel more at ease to say things over text, swap photos etc etc, but it is all a bit hot and cold. For example, after our last encounter, he asked what I thought of it and I said that sex could be better if things were not so rushed - and that seemed to upset him, in a "is it ever good enough" sort of way and ended the conversation - that was Friday and we don't really talk on weekends, so it felt a bit strange to end the chat like this.

A few days later, he was doing some work in the office next door and even though he seemed all upset about my feedback on our last encounter, he was staring at me as if he wanted to undress me. I asked him if it was anything wrong about the last conversation we had and he said it was all OK - and if I thought that was anything strange going on, I must have got the wrong impression.

So it's hot and cold, hot and cold like that. He will sometimes be really warm and sexy over text messages and then go several days without getting in touch or initiating any conversation. But when we have the chance to be on or own, it is always amazing.

Paul has clearly stated that he is happy with our "arrangement" and that he wants to keep it casual, and take it as it comes, which is what I also want. It also doesn't look as if he gets funny like that because of guilt.

But I want to be able to say to him that since we are both doing something that is so inherently risky, we might as well enjoy it while we can - by enjoy it I mean being able to be open, be able to actually fill the sexual/ego gaps from our marriages. I want something more adventurous, that meets my physical needs, but it's difficult to make that happen in a hot/cold situation like that and these bouts of stroppiness - which is all very silly since we are not in a relationship per se - it's all pretty much about sex.

I don't want a commitment (I can't see myself in a "normal" relationship with Paul at all) but at the same time I want to be able to feel comfortable to have a sort of "stable physical affair" where we are close enough that I can say I want our encounters to not be so rushed, ask each other openly to meet, etc. Because right now, there is a sort of block that stops us (mostly him) from doing that - even though he is always keen to know whether I thought about him, etc etc.

How should I handle the emotional side of this affair? Please, I am not looking for judgmental answers about what I am doing and don't want to talk about the underlying issues of my marriage and so on. I am looking for ideas on Paul's possible reasoning and how to act accordingly without putting too much pressure on him and actually enjoying the time we have together. Thanks!

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (13 answers total)

It could be that you're reading too much into his behavior, it could be that he's not good at relationships in general, or it could be that since he's cheating on his wife he runs hot and cold because of guilt, etc. Give it some time and it might come together, and the next time you hook up arrange it in such a way that you DO have more time so you can explore things in that way.

If things don't work out with Paul and you have another affair, I strongly recommend choosing someone single. Entirely outside of the ethical aspects, married people (including those in open relationships, where I have my experience from) have a lot more going on than single people and are usually less able to accommodate others' needs/ desires. Finding single men for just-sex relationships isn't usually too difficult.
posted by metasarah at 9:28 AM on April 17, 2015 [3 favorites]

This guy has to balance (presumably) a heavy dose of guilt, along with normal family things that you don't seem to be privy to. It's no wonder that he's hot and cold sometimes. I wouldn't take it personally. It could be that this just isn't the right situation for you.

Have you and your husband discussed having an open relationship? It seems like you two get along well even though you have a pretty good idea that he's messing around and you said having sex with another man is actually making things better. There are plenty of resources out there if you're interested in pursuing this idea.
posted by Fister Roboto at 9:40 AM on April 17, 2015 [9 favorites]

You guys both have busy lives, at least some of which is under the watchful eye of someone you are keeping this secret from. Your husband may leave you alone when you get home, but his wife might be all around him and his phone. Presumably you are getting either what he can give you or what he wants to give you in terms of attention and time. I think you will have a hard time changing that.

Also, you call out not wanting a commitment and also seeking stability with these interactions. Maybe you and I (or more importantly, him) have different opinions on this, but I see those desires as being in conflict. More stability IS an agreement to be more consistent and explicit and committed... Your sweet spot on this spectrum and his might be different, but I am just some guy on the internet so I won't speculate as to how different.

A theory to illustrate a point (which I have no firm basis to support) is that he already has someone at home that has needs... and who wants him to be consistent... and who wants to control the time they spend together... and who wants more attention... and who nags him about hot and cold communication. His interaction with you may be his solution to that. Your needs might be turning his solution in to another problem.

I guess my point is that you guys may have different reasons for this affair and therefore different needs. One of those overlapping needs is sex. He may not need (or even want) all of the other stuff that you want. You need to decide how ok you are with that.
posted by milqman at 9:44 AM on April 17, 2015

Maybe this signals to the limits of my imagination, but I have a hard time picturing any way that you can move this affair towards the realm of more stability given that Paul is married. It may not look like he is feeling guilty (and he may not be) but there will always be this other aspect of his life to which you won't have access, and which neither you nor he can fully control. Moments where he is running "cold" may simply be times when he has more responsibilities towards his wife, and so can't text you very much. And times when he's acting "stroppily" may be because he is sucked into emotional turmoil at home, or is feeling unusually ambivalent or stressed or conflicted about the situation.

After all, even if this relationship is working for you on lots of levels, and both of you have gotten to a place where you don't feel guilty about what you're doing, you are still undeniably both people who have a whole lot else going on. Stability, openness, communication - these things take time and trust and effort. You can ask Paul for them, sure - I mean, given the stakes you've laid out here, you can ask him for anything, right? - but I don't think it's possible to build the foundation of a strong relationship under the circumstances that you're asking for. And to be able to be emotionally open, to communicate well and completely about sex, to never, or rarely, feel abandoned by a partner who seems like he's running cold, or turning angry...these things are at the core of a strong relationship. You seem to think that you're not asking for much, but in fact you are. You're not asking for just sex: you're asking for good, regular sex with a reliable, trustworthy, communicative partner. And you deserve that, you absolutely do. I'm just not sure you can get that here.

(And that - not because we're judging you, but because you deserve better - is why you should end things with both Paul and your husband. But I guess you're not ready to hear that advice right now and that's ok.)
posted by pretentious illiterate at 9:46 AM on April 17, 2015 [4 favorites]

This sounds like a lot of "friends with benefits" questions so maybe try searching some of those?

I would guess that from his point of view, you have basically criticized his sexual performance. If it's not absolutely ecstatic so early in the affair, maybe it's worth it but that's not most people's fantasy of an extramarital affair. This relationship is totally optional and there is nothing in the rest of your lives to reinforce it, so there is no reason why it shouldn't fly apart at the first sign of trouble. My mental picture, from your story, is that he's a little angry or at least feeling like this is not what he signed up for. Do you want to inquire more closely into this, with him? Then do. But it may just be that the two of you didn't want the same things out of this.
posted by BibiRose at 9:47 AM on April 17, 2015

So it sounds primarily to me like you want some control over the time/place and the sex itself. Giving men feedback on their sexual performance is a delicate art in any circumstance. I would suggest using lots of positive reinforcement and positive phrasing. "I really liked that one time because it felt relaxed and we got to explore my fantasy xyz." Rather than, "This would have been better if it were not so rushed." All he will hear is the criticism in the latter case.

Time and place constraints are going to be difficult. Perhaps a hotel? Camping even? Somewhere off the grid. Not exactly an expert there. But I would imagine whoever has the more demanding home schedule (sounds like he does) is going to pull the strings here.
posted by quincunx at 9:59 AM on April 17, 2015 [5 favorites]

I just want to add that he's married, and you're married, so neither of you gets to question what's going on interaction-wise when you're not actually having sex. Maybe someone he needs to keep the affair from is around (spouse, family, boss, client, friend) so he can't text back or steal a free moment to meet up for sex. It's an affair. This is how they work. People are not often available to explain or interact because the relationship is secret. Your expectations are not commiserate with the nature of this relationship. That's likely to create problems and misunderstandings for you, like the feelings which prompted you to write this AskMe.

That's how affairs work. High drama, low rewards.
posted by jbenben at 11:16 AM on April 17, 2015 [6 favorites]

It sounds like he has more to lose than you do. Thus, he probably needs to be more cautious, less available, more regimented, and especially less open to the world about this. Your desires for the increased stability may simply not. be. possible.

I dunno. I understand some of the joys of feeling attractive, wanted, important, and I CERTINALY would not have put up with a 100th of your spouse's nonsense, but you really may want to be looking into something less secret affair, and more non-traditional but perfectly acceptable open marriage-ish things with people more available to you.
posted by Jacen at 11:42 AM on April 17, 2015 [1 favorite]

You want things to be less rushed, opportunistic and more open, but he is married, too, and his marriage might not be like yours. You will probably have to be okay with the way he acts, or find someone single or in a similar marriage to yours.
posted by destructive cactus at 11:46 AM on April 17, 2015

An affair is risky. It is dangerous. As several people have said, he may be unable to respond at times because of someone looking over his shoulder or being aware of his activities in a way and to a degree that makes it problematic for him to respond in the way you want/need. Even when none of that is going on, anything and everything he says to you is potentially dangerous for him.

If he works full time, is married and generally has a full life, he has little opportunity for thinking about things that come up between you and how to handle them. He also probably has no one to hash it out with. So it is inevitable that he often just won't know the right way to handle it and will tend to err on the side of caution. Erring on the side of caution will tend to feel "cold" to you.

Further, if he is actively sleeping with his own wife, sometimes his needs are being met adequately by her. You are in a sexless marriage. You have only Paul for those needs. But he likely has two women he is sleeping with and that will mean that sometimes he honestly doesn't need your attention even though you feel a need for his. That can suck for you, but since you don't want to leave your marriage and you can't see this being anything other than sex, you probably need to just make your peace with that detail.

You might try brainstorming secure ways to communicate. Having the right means to connect may ease this some. (Or it may not. If he just doesn't have the time and privacy, it may not be something that can be improved significantly.)
posted by Michele in California at 1:58 PM on April 17, 2015

You deserve better than these men. You are worthy of love and respect and a relationship that includes laughs, friendship, and physical affection. You deserve better than what your husband is giving you and than what Paul is giving you.

You seem to be blaming yourself for not wanting to have sex with your husband: "I am the one who has shut down." This makes me so sad. I hope you find a partner that treats you better than these men do. You certainly are worthy of it. This situation is not your fault.
posted by sockermom at 2:19 PM on April 17, 2015 [5 favorites]

You might get a lot out of Mira Kirschenbaum's book When Good People Have Affairs
posted by Sublimity at 2:29 PM on April 17, 2015 [1 favorite]

Asking for a "stable physical affair" is like asking for a quiet crack habit. No matter how much you think you have it under control, there is going to be drama.

His marriage may not be the same as yours and he's probably not gonna share his deep thoughts with you anyway. I think you need to think about accepting the idea that what you have "is what it is".
posted by PsuDab93 at 7:12 AM on April 23, 2015