Obsessive thoughts after a messy break up

April 16, 2015 8:18 AM

Finally ended things for good with my ex-boyfriend after a long, drawn out break up and feeling down along with obsessive thoughts. How can I feel better about these thoughts and quiet them? Many more details inside.

Two days ago, I ended things for good with my ex-boyfriend. I broke up with him in December and it’s been an emotional rollercoaster ever since then. We did a lot of back and forth in the last few months – going through periods of no contact and emotionally shutting each other out to talking again, hanging out, and hooking up again. It has been very confusing and exhausting, I think, for both of us. Every time we tried to talk through our issues, we’d just go in circles and not accomplish anything as far as resolving the original issue that broke us up. So we started just hanging out, cuddling and hooking up without talking about any of our issues just to delay the inevitable. I knew that this wasn’t a good idea if we weren’t going to reconcile things, that it would cause more pain for both of us, so I suggested couples counseling as a last resort. In my mind, it was the only thing that could save us since talking it out between the two of us didn’t make any progress. He refused to go to counseling with me, and that was my last straw. I asked him to stop contacting me completely, so that I can move on for good.

I will be finally and permanently moving on from him this time, and I feel like I am going through the healing process from the loss of our relationship all over again. I just feel pathetic about this whole thing at this point – I feel like I have used up my free pass for feeling bad over this, but I still feel miserable. Technically, this ended in December, so I should be over it all. My friends and family are sick of hearing about it, because I have “broken up” and gotten back together with him countless times. The fact that it’s finally over seems so anticlimactic and I feel lame for feeling bad.

At this point, I think I’ve already gone through the feelings of sadness and acceptance that our relationship as it used to be is dead. I did my crying. Ever since things ended permanently 2 days ago, I’ve been ruminating over everything that happened between us. One of my most recent obsessive thoughts has been around how he thinks of me and how he will remember me. I am obsessed with wanting him to remember me in a positive way – thinking that I’m beautiful and a good person and someone he still desires and wants, deep down in his heart. I know logically that it doesn’t matter at this point what he thinks of me, but I can’t shake the feeling. I am so obsessed with this idea that I saved a text he sent me a few days ago that I am “one in a million” because it sort of pacified my worries about this. Sometimes, if I am doing something where I feel good about myself, or if I feel like I am having a good hair day or look especially attractive on a certain day, I actually feel upset that he isn’t able to see me at that moment and witness me in a positive light the way I see myself in that moment. I know how incredibly immature this sounds. I can’t figure out why I worry about this so much. Has anyone had this same thought after going through a messy, drawn out break up? Please give me reasons to not worry about this anymore, and maybe tips on how to stop ruminating over him and the relationship in general. I need to move on! Thank you!

posted by koolaidnovel to Human Relations (12 answers total)

Best answer: Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where the only way out is through.

You say that you "think you've already gone through the feelings of sadness and acceptance that our relationship is dead" - but that may not be true. Your not having completely and totally severed things before this may have kept some facets of your brain from joining in with the "it's over" revelation, so you may not be done going through this after all; the rest of your brain and heart need to still come around. And that means those bits of your brain and heart need to still process that fact, and mourn if they have to.

And there is nothing wrong with the fact that it's taking a while. It took me months for me to process the breakup after a heavy and bad relationship, and it took me years after a shorter, but much more intense and good, relationship.

My hunch is that your trying to NOT feel these things is what's making them stronger - it's kind of like the "don't think of an elephant" thing, where the harder you try to not feel something the more it occupies your mind. Just let yourself feel what you feel, and think what you think; be in that space and in those feelings, whatever they are. Don't do anything about them (meaning: don't call him), but do let yourself feel things, even though they suck. Accept that you still sometimes regret him not being able to see you looking awesome; just go ahead and let yourself feel that regret if it comes up (don't call him, just let yourself feel regret).

And in time that will stop happening. I promise.

Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:29 AM on April 16, 2015 [5 favorites]

Technically, this ended in December, so I should be over it all.

Emotionally this ended two days ago. Give yourself a break! Trying to force yourself not to have the feelings you're having is likely one more weight you're trying to bear. Give yourself permission to mourn for a while.
posted by jaguar at 8:30 AM on April 16, 2015 [6 favorites]

I had a tremendously difficult time after leaving someone a few years back. I'll tell you what: getting a hobby right now will be really helpful. I learned to knit, joined a yoga class, and got a cat in the two months following my dramatic, drawn-out, horrorshow of a breakup. Being so busy I couldn't stop to obsess helped so, so much. What's something you've always wanted to try but never have done? Now is the time!

Best of luck to you. This too shall pass. I promise.
posted by sockermom at 8:31 AM on April 16, 2015 [3 favorites]

Best answer: my ex boyfriend and I did the same thing, except over a MUCH longer period of time. It was, as you say, exhausting.
One day I was just done... and coming to that realization was hugely liberating.

As Sockermom says, This too shall pass..... but in the meantime, distraction is certainly needed.

You've got to get out of your daily routine and try something new. Even just something as simple as going for a run in a nearby park can help clear your head.

The thoughts that you're having about wanting him to remember you fondly... he will. As each day goes on you'll start to worry about this less and less. Eventually you'll meet someone new and move on... and so the cycle begins again!

There's no real miracle treatment for heartache and heartbreak.... you've just got to ride it out.... but you'll come out stronger on the other side, don't worry!!!
posted by JenThePro at 8:52 AM on April 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

Relationship stuff gets difficult, and it's so hard to compare notes from person to person and have them make any sense. It's just so personal, you know?

That said, I'm going to agree with others who are reminding you that you haven't used up your free pass. There isn't one. Other people around you might be habituated to the process you're going through, but not many of them likely expect you to have an arc that wraps up as quickly as theirs did. If you don't have a confidante among your family and friends, though, or someone who you can approach to have real discussions about this from your friends and family, then by all means consider looking for a few counseling sessions for yourself. It can really help, and it comes in many forms--I didn't opt for a psychiatrist-type experience when I was last going through complicated relationship stuff, I inadvertently met a zen monk who leads guided meditation practice in my city. Her counsel was irreplaceable, looking back, and just what I needed: not someone to tell me I'll heal, but someone who helped me learn a bit about untangling my mind so I could let go of the need to feel so in control of my experience. So keep that in mind, too!

Honestly, though, it's mostly patience. Patience with yourself, with your ex, with your friends... patience.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:55 AM on April 16, 2015 [4 favorites]

I empathize immensely when it comes to complicated relationship rollercoasters. However, I'm no expert at dealing with them.

My advice? Get two cats.

Yes.

I mean it.

Cats are easy to deal with (get two so they can keep each other company when you're not there), they're cute, playing with them is a great way to cheer up and take your mind off things, and having pets is known to reduce greatly reduce stress.

Replace your ex with some (rescue) cats. That's all my advice. If I ever break up with my current girlfriend, that is the FIRST thing I'm doing. Again, cats. Good luck.
posted by KinoAndHermes at 9:26 AM on April 16, 2015

Technically, it ended when you stopped having contact with each other. The fact that it's hard and sad right now is a reflection of the reality of your experience! You are a human having a human experience, and that's okay.

My experience of any breakup is that my feelings change and evolve over time, and that's especially true of breakups that took a long time or a couple of tries. Let yourself feel what you feel.
posted by spindrifter at 9:37 AM on April 16, 2015

Wanting to be thought of as a good and beautiful person is very normal. Breakups can bring out the worst in us but that doesn't negate the goodness he saw/sees in you, it's still there but the recent breakup makes it feel like only a small part rather than the big part of who you are? Getting affirmation that you are wonderful can also be obtained by putting your best foot forward from here on out. This experience will leave you with better coping skills and the ability to be kinder to yourself and partner, especially in bad times. Just try to remember that all of us are not always going to feel good about ourselves and seek affirmation from others, you're not alone. Remember that his opinion of you is going to change anyway, so it's not really going to help you to obsess about his thoughts.
posted by waving at 9:58 AM on April 16, 2015

Allow yourself to feel these feelings. Its not immature, its human. So when the feelings come up, acknowledge them.

Is there anything else going on in your life you are trying to avoid?
posted by Ironmouth at 10:08 AM on April 16, 2015

Best answer: I think, based on my own experience, that the more often we break up with someone and then get back together with them, the longer it takes for our monkey-mind to really get it that it's really O.V.E.R. when it finally is. Go easy on yourself and as others have said, feel what you're feeling. You are right in reminding yourself that what he thinks of you doesn't matter, but you also are right in generally wanting everyone, including him, to think of you as who you are -- a good person who is a good partner. It's no good wanting him to think that, though, because with any luck he'll leave you the fuck alone now, and if he pines after you, he'll be like my ex who called and called and called for years after our break up. That made it that much harder to move one.

Give yourself at LEAST 6 months to mourn your relationship before you get seriously involved with anyone else. And preferably a year. I waited a year after the end of my on again/off again relationship before I even started dating, and another 6 months before I got into a relationship and it was time very well spent.
posted by janey47 at 10:32 AM on April 16, 2015

Best answer: I felt sad reading your post because you're being way too harsh with yourself. Just because you started the breakup period in December doesn't mean that the months of cuddling and hooking up didn't happen - and you were even talking couples' counseling with him, for heaven's sake! You must have had some hope that things would end up working out, and while I think it was very strong of you to cut things off when he refused to go, it really is no wonder that you're still hurting from this breakup.

Like everyone else, I think time, new activities, and kindness towards yourself are going to be your biggest helps here. Someday you won't care as much about what he thinks about you, but for what it's worth, I bet he will look back on you and your relationship with fond memories. I can think of many people and situations in my life that didn't end well, but that doesn't erase all of the beautiful moments that came before the end, you know? With enough distance the ending will fade and the good parts will still be there.

Depending on your personal levels of cheese tolerance, I'd suggest listening to songs like Canadian Rose (my god, the video is worse than I remembered - listen, don't watch) a few times, do what you need to to officially say goodbye to that part of your life, and then just be gentle with yourself for now. Good luck, and I hope you find peace soon.
posted by DingoMutt at 12:01 PM on April 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you for all of your answers, everyone. I can always count on the meta community to make me feel better!
posted by koolaidnovel at 6:40 PM on April 16, 2015