Anxiety before seeing boyfriend?
March 26, 2015 5:01 PM Subscribe
I get really anxious before I hang out with my boyfriend. Its frustrating. What can I do?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 1/2 months. He is 25 and I am 22. This is my third boyfriend and third longest relationship. This is his longest relationship ever.
I am typically a very anxiety prone person. I overthink everything, I know this. I get so caught up in my head and make problems out of small things and skew everything.
Every time before I see my boyfriend, I get really nervous. I think about our relationship all day and think about hanging out later. I worry about it being awkward when I see him or what I'll have to even say or if he'll think I'm really boring or weird. When I see him it's usually just fine, we talk and hang out and have a good time together. Almost always when we hang out I go over to his house. His family is a lot closer than mine, his mom is always super nice and inviting and warm and his brother and dad kind of do their own thing but they'll talk for a min or whatever. I have a lot of anxiety about inviting him over to my house, he's only been over like twice, once on thanksgiving and once just picking me up. He's asked why, I've told him there's notbing really to do at my house, my parents are always saying it's not the best night, I think they don't like entertaining and stuff, but that I can do what I want. I don't know what my problem is. We planned on seeing each other today and I was finally going to invite him over, but I'm freaking out. I think it's because as a kid I was really embarrassed of our house, it was always really dirty and stuff. I've never liked inviting people over. My Dad and stepmom can be embarrassing and I hardly ever talk to them, and don't want my boyfriend to feel awkward. And they won't let us go to my room, and we only have two couches, and that's where my parents are all night... I don't know. How can I deal, I hate my brain for the anxiety like this, ugh.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 1/2 months. He is 25 and I am 22. This is my third boyfriend and third longest relationship. This is his longest relationship ever.
I am typically a very anxiety prone person. I overthink everything, I know this. I get so caught up in my head and make problems out of small things and skew everything.
Every time before I see my boyfriend, I get really nervous. I think about our relationship all day and think about hanging out later. I worry about it being awkward when I see him or what I'll have to even say or if he'll think I'm really boring or weird. When I see him it's usually just fine, we talk and hang out and have a good time together. Almost always when we hang out I go over to his house. His family is a lot closer than mine, his mom is always super nice and inviting and warm and his brother and dad kind of do their own thing but they'll talk for a min or whatever. I have a lot of anxiety about inviting him over to my house, he's only been over like twice, once on thanksgiving and once just picking me up. He's asked why, I've told him there's notbing really to do at my house, my parents are always saying it's not the best night, I think they don't like entertaining and stuff, but that I can do what I want. I don't know what my problem is. We planned on seeing each other today and I was finally going to invite him over, but I'm freaking out. I think it's because as a kid I was really embarrassed of our house, it was always really dirty and stuff. I've never liked inviting people over. My Dad and stepmom can be embarrassing and I hardly ever talk to them, and don't want my boyfriend to feel awkward. And they won't let us go to my room, and we only have two couches, and that's where my parents are all night... I don't know. How can I deal, I hate my brain for the anxiety like this, ugh.
Best answer: Find places to go and things to do that don't require you to go to each other's homes. I can't even imagine being in my early 20s and sharing my relationships with my parents, oh my god I would have died.
Go out to eat.
Go for walks in the park.
Go to the movies.
Go play mini golf.
Go hang out in a Waffle House and eat bacon at 2am.
Find literally anywhere else to be other than at a house with parents in it, because it sounds like that aspect of this is fucking up your headspace above all others.
Also, you're 22 and have some hangups about your family home. Start making some concrete plans to move out on your own (apartment with roommates) in the next year. It'll give you so much independence and freedom to be yourself as an adult that you seem to be missing right now.
posted by phunniemee at 5:12 PM on March 26, 2015 [31 favorites]
Go out to eat.
Go for walks in the park.
Go to the movies.
Go play mini golf.
Go hang out in a Waffle House and eat bacon at 2am.
Find literally anywhere else to be other than at a house with parents in it, because it sounds like that aspect of this is fucking up your headspace above all others.
Also, you're 22 and have some hangups about your family home. Start making some concrete plans to move out on your own (apartment with roommates) in the next year. It'll give you so much independence and freedom to be yourself as an adult that you seem to be missing right now.
posted by phunniemee at 5:12 PM on March 26, 2015 [31 favorites]
Boy, I can hear the anxiety in the way you write! Your head must be spinning.
Just focusing on the questions about tonight -
First. Stop and take a deep breath. Take a few more.
You are not inviting your boyfriend to your house because you expect him to have such a wonderful time. You are inviting him over because he wants to get to you know you better by meeting your family and seeing where you live. No matter how it goes, that will happen - he will get to see your family and where you live. In doing this, he will be able to understand you a little better (including why you don't invite him over more). Mission accomplished.
I would probably tell him before he comes over that thing can be awkward at home and you can explain a little bit why it is uncomfortable but also let him know that you want to do it because you like him and you hope that he won't judge you but rather this help him to get to know you better.
Then whatever happen next, just tell yourself it is all OK because he is getting the real experience of your family and it is OK. And if he is a decent guy, it will be OK. And now that he's met them, when you talk about your family, he will be able to nod and sympathize so even if your parents are embarrassing it will turn out to be a good thing. Yay.
posted by metahawk at 5:18 PM on March 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just focusing on the questions about tonight -
First. Stop and take a deep breath. Take a few more.
You are not inviting your boyfriend to your house because you expect him to have such a wonderful time. You are inviting him over because he wants to get to you know you better by meeting your family and seeing where you live. No matter how it goes, that will happen - he will get to see your family and where you live. In doing this, he will be able to understand you a little better (including why you don't invite him over more). Mission accomplished.
I would probably tell him before he comes over that thing can be awkward at home and you can explain a little bit why it is uncomfortable but also let him know that you want to do it because you like him and you hope that he won't judge you but rather this help him to get to know you better.
Then whatever happen next, just tell yourself it is all OK because he is getting the real experience of your family and it is OK. And if he is a decent guy, it will be OK. And now that he's met them, when you talk about your family, he will be able to nod and sympathize so even if your parents are embarrassing it will turn out to be a good thing. Yay.
posted by metahawk at 5:18 PM on March 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just keep showing up. By repeatedly confronting your anxiety and seeing that you actually have nothing to fear, it should diminish over time. If not, you might want to try some therapy, particularly cognitive behavioral therapy, to deal with this anxiety.
Also, remember how much time you spend thinking about what other people think about you and worrying and being anxious? Mostly, they're doing the same thing, ie, obsessing that other people are thinking about them or just thinking about their own fears and problems. They're too busy managing their own stuff to pay attention to yours, basically— you aren't the center of their world and that's a *good* thing because it means that they will generally not notice a large portion of the things you think they may be noticing.
Most people like having other people visit and most boyfriends are so glad you will go out with them that they aren't paying attention to all the little things you fear.
posted by Maias at 6:10 PM on March 26, 2015
Also, remember how much time you spend thinking about what other people think about you and worrying and being anxious? Mostly, they're doing the same thing, ie, obsessing that other people are thinking about them or just thinking about their own fears and problems. They're too busy managing their own stuff to pay attention to yours, basically— you aren't the center of their world and that's a *good* thing because it means that they will generally not notice a large portion of the things you think they may be noticing.
Most people like having other people visit and most boyfriends are so glad you will go out with them that they aren't paying attention to all the little things you fear.
posted by Maias at 6:10 PM on March 26, 2015
1) If he's into you, he's into you. If he's a good person, all your worries should be void. A good partner can separate your parents' eccentrics from you. Or their socioeconomic status from his attraction to you. If he can't, better to know straight away and send him straight away on the fuck you express train. If the partner is a good fit, no matter what weird/embarrassing/whatever life shit you encounter, you two should be able to laugh about it. Experiencing embarrassing parents together can help bind.
2) It sounds like anxiety is a significant factor in your life. Psychotherapy and/or psychiatry might significantly benefit you. Do what you need to do for you.
posted by JackBurden at 6:34 PM on March 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
2) It sounds like anxiety is a significant factor in your life. Psychotherapy and/or psychiatry might significantly benefit you. Do what you need to do for you.
posted by JackBurden at 6:34 PM on March 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Do you really like him?
After a week or two maybe its still Weird and awkward, but after 5 months you should want to see him enough that the other feelings are drowned out.
If you tolerate/think he's just okay, maybe and it and find someone you just want to be with. Its better for both of you.
posted by TheAdamist at 6:36 PM on March 26, 2015
After a week or two maybe its still Weird and awkward, but after 5 months you should want to see him enough that the other feelings are drowned out.
If you tolerate/think he's just okay, maybe and it and find someone you just want to be with. Its better for both of you.
posted by TheAdamist at 6:36 PM on March 26, 2015
If anxiety is significantly impacting your ability to live your life the way you want to, I'd strongly encourage you to discuss it with a doctor and consider either therapy or medication as possibilities that might be useful to address it.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:58 PM on March 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:58 PM on March 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I have to mirror what TheAdamist pointed out. Generally when you feel anxious in the beginning that is normal. But usually if you really connect with someone, you should feel comfortable being yourself. Especially after five months.
If it's a bigger issue and you feel anxious about everything, I would invest in a therapist or a way to help yourself feel less anxious.
In the near term, have you considered some methods to help yourself feel like anxious? Like exercise, breathing slowly in and out before you are meeting up, yoga, reminding yourself (and it may seem silly but will help you) "he likes me, and I have no reason to feel anxious."
Then enjoy yourself.
posted by pando11 at 7:30 PM on March 26, 2015
If it's a bigger issue and you feel anxious about everything, I would invest in a therapist or a way to help yourself feel less anxious.
In the near term, have you considered some methods to help yourself feel like anxious? Like exercise, breathing slowly in and out before you are meeting up, yoga, reminding yourself (and it may seem silly but will help you) "he likes me, and I have no reason to feel anxious."
Then enjoy yourself.
posted by pando11 at 7:30 PM on March 26, 2015
I couldn't agree more with phunniemee's advice.
Also, at 5 1/2 months you are still getting to know someone, and they are still getting to know you. It's a good sign that you seem to be comfortable when you're with him - it's just the anticipation that's messing with you. Sometimes the 6-month mark in a relationship can be more anxiety-producing than the very beginning, because your feelings are intensifying and you've already opened yourself up somewhat. If things didn't work out now, it would be more painful than if it only lasted a month. But speaking as a fellow anxious person, I think it will get easier if this guy is a good match for you. You'll build up enough history and intimacy that you won't feel so much pressure to be interesting and witty and "on" every time you hang out. You'll begin to have more "boring" times together, which is normal and actually awesome. In a long-term relationship, you don't constantly have stuff to talk about - sometimes you can just hang out in the same room and do your own thing near each other, or take a walk and enjoy some silence and nature together without feeling the need to chat, etc. And you will come to appreciate each other's quirks and laugh lovingly at each other's weirdness. Everyone is boring and weird sometimes. :) The anxious brain tells us that we need to be perfect... but you don't need to be perfect to be loved.
posted by treachery, faith, and the great river at 8:32 AM on March 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, at 5 1/2 months you are still getting to know someone, and they are still getting to know you. It's a good sign that you seem to be comfortable when you're with him - it's just the anticipation that's messing with you. Sometimes the 6-month mark in a relationship can be more anxiety-producing than the very beginning, because your feelings are intensifying and you've already opened yourself up somewhat. If things didn't work out now, it would be more painful than if it only lasted a month. But speaking as a fellow anxious person, I think it will get easier if this guy is a good match for you. You'll build up enough history and intimacy that you won't feel so much pressure to be interesting and witty and "on" every time you hang out. You'll begin to have more "boring" times together, which is normal and actually awesome. In a long-term relationship, you don't constantly have stuff to talk about - sometimes you can just hang out in the same room and do your own thing near each other, or take a walk and enjoy some silence and nature together without feeling the need to chat, etc. And you will come to appreciate each other's quirks and laugh lovingly at each other's weirdness. Everyone is boring and weird sometimes. :) The anxious brain tells us that we need to be perfect... but you don't need to be perfect to be loved.
posted by treachery, faith, and the great river at 8:32 AM on March 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Nthing Etrigan's advice, as it will probably help as well as giving you an important data point as to how he responds to your controlled emotional vulnerability.
Also, having been on the other side of this (my partner is prone to anxiety as a default response:
1) This is definitely something that there are tools and methods to train yourself out of doing as much
2) The best response when one is on the other side of this is "How can I best support you in this moment". Something I often have to remind myself about, as someone who tends towards 'if my partner has a problem, I have to fix it'-ness.
posted by softlord at 8:06 AM on March 28, 2015
Also, having been on the other side of this (my partner is prone to anxiety as a default response:
1) This is definitely something that there are tools and methods to train yourself out of doing as much
2) The best response when one is on the other side of this is "How can I best support you in this moment". Something I often have to remind myself about, as someone who tends towards 'if my partner has a problem, I have to fix it'-ness.
posted by softlord at 8:06 AM on March 28, 2015
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Sit him down and say, "So, I dig you a lot, but I want you to know that I get really anxious and nervous before we hang out together, and here's why. I don't expect you to solve this problem for me, but I want you to know that it's there, because that's part of me. Any questions?"
Nine times out of ten, just telling the other person that something in the relationship is freaking me out helps. And that tenth time always helped me realize that this relationship isn't what I needed right then (sometimes only in retrospect). I am not saying that about this particular relationship for you, just warning you that sometimes, things go awry, so watch out for it.
posted by Etrigan at 5:10 PM on March 26, 2015 [5 favorites]