Close friend mysteriously cut off contact. Rude to cut her off online?
March 25, 2015 2:42 PM Subscribe
My closest friend of the past 7 years stopped talking to me out of the blue. Should I delete her online presence?
My friend and I have been close for about seven years. Aside from one guy, she is the one platonic friend that I would consider to be family. We have seen each other through various relationships and when her younger brother died three years ago, I held her hand at the funeral and was there for her for the sad and good times afterwards.
After her brother died, she fell into depression and started receiving meds for the problem. Then, about a year ago, she began a relationship with a guy she met online. From the start he fought a lot and as time went on, she confessed he was emotionally abusive. She told me about the terrible things he would say and asked, honestly, what I would do. I said I would leave him. She responded "That's so brave of you. Thing is...I know he loves me." She also told me about him violently throwing things and threatening that the relationship may be over if she didn't come off her depression meds.
Shortly after this I temporarily moved abroad. We spent time together before I left and she sent me a lovely card saying that I "better not forget about her" but have a wonderful time etc. The last time we spoke properly was on Skype 5 months ago; she confessed the bf wanted her to move in but she wasn't ready. A couple of weeks later she was tagged in his picture having moved in. Up until then she had been about to book flights to come and see me - even asking to extend it for a longer trip. Suddenly she messaged me saying she could no longer afford it due to commitments with the bf and when I expressed disappointment, she never again responded.
When I went home at Christmas for one week, the only time I would be in the country for over a year, I asked to meet up. The message went ignored. Eventually about a month ago I sent her an email expressing that my feelings were hurt and sought to know if I had inadvertently done something to cause this. Also told her that I hoped she was happy & let her know I would always be there should she need anything. Read the msg, no response. Actually at the notion of losing this friend I feel more heartbroken than my last break up.
Now all I get is constant messages her boyfriend has tagged her in on Facebook about how loved up they are, with her seeming to confirm it, all over my feed. I feel so mad about this being the only way I find out about her life that I want to delete her (as well as being concerned it's a front). Furthermore, why she should openly get to see updates about my life while passive aggressively discontinuing a friendship?
My friend and I have been close for about seven years. Aside from one guy, she is the one platonic friend that I would consider to be family. We have seen each other through various relationships and when her younger brother died three years ago, I held her hand at the funeral and was there for her for the sad and good times afterwards.
After her brother died, she fell into depression and started receiving meds for the problem. Then, about a year ago, she began a relationship with a guy she met online. From the start he fought a lot and as time went on, she confessed he was emotionally abusive. She told me about the terrible things he would say and asked, honestly, what I would do. I said I would leave him. She responded "That's so brave of you. Thing is...I know he loves me." She also told me about him violently throwing things and threatening that the relationship may be over if she didn't come off her depression meds.
Shortly after this I temporarily moved abroad. We spent time together before I left and she sent me a lovely card saying that I "better not forget about her" but have a wonderful time etc. The last time we spoke properly was on Skype 5 months ago; she confessed the bf wanted her to move in but she wasn't ready. A couple of weeks later she was tagged in his picture having moved in. Up until then she had been about to book flights to come and see me - even asking to extend it for a longer trip. Suddenly she messaged me saying she could no longer afford it due to commitments with the bf and when I expressed disappointment, she never again responded.
When I went home at Christmas for one week, the only time I would be in the country for over a year, I asked to meet up. The message went ignored. Eventually about a month ago I sent her an email expressing that my feelings were hurt and sought to know if I had inadvertently done something to cause this. Also told her that I hoped she was happy & let her know I would always be there should she need anything. Read the msg, no response. Actually at the notion of losing this friend I feel more heartbroken than my last break up.
Now all I get is constant messages her boyfriend has tagged her in on Facebook about how loved up they are, with her seeming to confirm it, all over my feed. I feel so mad about this being the only way I find out about her life that I want to delete her (as well as being concerned it's a front). Furthermore, why she should openly get to see updates about my life while passive aggressively discontinuing a friendship?
Don't delete her. If the boyfriend is as controlling as he seems, she's possibly getting more and more isolated. She may need to reach out to you at some point, even if she can't do so now. She will need her friends if and when she decides to leave.
posted by suelac at 2:46 PM on March 25, 2015 [80 favorites]
posted by suelac at 2:46 PM on March 25, 2015 [80 favorites]
This is just an escalation of his abuse. If she manages to get out, she'll need somewhere to go and someone to turn to. I would not cut her off completely, though your frustration and disappointment are valid, so maybe as cotton dress sock says, you can hide her feed so it's not in your face?
posted by librarina at 2:47 PM on March 25, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by librarina at 2:47 PM on March 25, 2015 [12 favorites]
It sounds like she is in an abusive relationship. If you are up to it, I would unfollow her on facebook (so she doesn't show up in your feed all the time) but keep her as a friend so that if she is in an abusive relationship and she does get out, she still has you as support to go to.
posted by jeather at 2:48 PM on March 25, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by jeather at 2:48 PM on March 25, 2015 [13 favorites]
I can see I don't see any good coming from escalating this by unfriending her.
The Facebook Help Center has an article explaining "How do I unfollow someone?" without unfriending them. Then you won't have to see her updates anymore but she won't know that you've cut them off. If she ever wants (or needs) to reach out to you again, there won't be an additional barrier of you having taken explicit action to cut her off.
posted by grouse at 2:50 PM on March 25, 2015 [10 favorites]
The Facebook Help Center has an article explaining "How do I unfollow someone?" without unfriending them. Then you won't have to see her updates anymore but she won't know that you've cut them off. If she ever wants (or needs) to reach out to you again, there won't be an additional barrier of you having taken explicit action to cut her off.
posted by grouse at 2:50 PM on March 25, 2015 [10 favorites]
If it's too upsetting to you to keep her as a facebook friend, though, you're not a bad person for taking care of yourself first. You can also make groups and share less stuff with her.
posted by jeather at 2:53 PM on March 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jeather at 2:53 PM on March 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
This woman is in a dangerous situation, and one the manifestations of that situation is that she's being cut off from you. Emotional abuse is serious business, and one of the ways it often manifests is the abusive partner separating their target from friends and social support; among other things, this makes it hard for the abused person to leave or to get feedback from the outside world that their relationship isn't healthy. If it is impossible for you emotionally to stay friends with her on social media, that's your call, but I strongly urge you to think of this as a time of need where she needs help. If she withdrew after her brother's death, you wouldn't blame her and cut her off; this is a similarly extenuating circumstance. I suggest you keep reaching out as you feel comfortable, express concern where appropriate, and make sure you can be there for her when she needs you. Unfollow her if you would like, but I think unfriending is a bad idea.
posted by c'mon sea legs at 2:58 PM on March 25, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by c'mon sea legs at 2:58 PM on March 25, 2015 [11 favorites]
I feel so mad about this being the only way I find out about her life that I want to delete her (as well as being concerned it's a front). Furthermore, why she should openly get to see updates about my life while passive aggressively discontinuing a friendship?
I think you should dig deep and find a little compassion here because it is very likely she's in an abusive relationship with a partner who is isolating her. You can blame her for the effect that has on you if you like, but it is generally more helpful in these situations to think of your friend as a kind of hostage.
Were it me, I would keep the door open. One day, she may be ready to call on the friends she has left. If the updates bother you, you can unfollow one or both of them without unfriending and neither will ever know.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:04 PM on March 25, 2015 [10 favorites]
I think you should dig deep and find a little compassion here because it is very likely she's in an abusive relationship with a partner who is isolating her. You can blame her for the effect that has on you if you like, but it is generally more helpful in these situations to think of your friend as a kind of hostage.
Were it me, I would keep the door open. One day, she may be ready to call on the friends she has left. If the updates bother you, you can unfollow one or both of them without unfriending and neither will ever know.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:04 PM on March 25, 2015 [10 favorites]
Yeah, it doesn't read to me as if she is cutting you off, but rather that you are being cut off from her, by the boyfriend. Don't block or delete her, but you can change your fb settings so that mentions of her aren't showing up in your feed every other minute.
If you can, keep in contact, lightly - "Here's a picture of a flower that made me think of you!" kinds of things, to let her know that you are still there. She doesn't seem to be at a point where you can tell her bluntly what you think of the boyfriend, so keep him out of it.
You don't have to be her rescuer, but you can be someone who's there to listen and offer compassion, if you're up for it.
posted by rtha at 3:06 PM on March 25, 2015 [30 favorites]
If you can, keep in contact, lightly - "Here's a picture of a flower that made me think of you!" kinds of things, to let her know that you are still there. She doesn't seem to be at a point where you can tell her bluntly what you think of the boyfriend, so keep him out of it.
You don't have to be her rescuer, but you can be someone who's there to listen and offer compassion, if you're up for it.
posted by rtha at 3:06 PM on March 25, 2015 [30 favorites]
My hunch is that she may be going through some stuff with her abusive boyfriend that she is either too embarrassed to tell you about or that her abusive boyfriend is doing what he can to keep her from talking with you. And if she stopped taking her medication for depression because the same boyfriend said he would break up with her otherwise, she may be in a pretty dark place. I know it must be difficult on your end for her to be seemingly incommunicado except for lovey-dovey Facebook updates, but I am going to guess there is a lot more to the story than what is streaming in via her Facebook feed.
I would try to reach out to her one more time and pointedly ask if everything is okay and let her know that you're concerned you haven't heard from her. And then, if still no response, unfollow her if seeing her updates still bothers you.
posted by sevenofspades at 3:06 PM on March 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would try to reach out to her one more time and pointedly ask if everything is okay and let her know that you're concerned you haven't heard from her. And then, if still no response, unfollow her if seeing her updates still bothers you.
posted by sevenofspades at 3:06 PM on March 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Chances are the boyfriend has demanded that she cut off contact with everyone except him and people he views as his allies. It's pretty standard operating procedure for abusive, controlling guys and he probably insisted on it when she moved in, "as proof of her love," or whatever.
This makes it hard for you to know what to do. She may or may not want to be "rescued" by someone, depending on where she is in the cycle of abuse. You could probably get good advice from a domestic violence hotline.
The main thing is, don't take it personally. She was in a vulnerable place and she's fallen under the sway of a controlling person. I'm sure she needs a friend, but it may be dangerous for you to try to contact her.
posted by jasper411 at 3:08 PM on March 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
This makes it hard for you to know what to do. She may or may not want to be "rescued" by someone, depending on where she is in the cycle of abuse. You could probably get good advice from a domestic violence hotline.
The main thing is, don't take it personally. She was in a vulnerable place and she's fallen under the sway of a controlling person. I'm sure she needs a friend, but it may be dangerous for you to try to contact her.
posted by jasper411 at 3:08 PM on March 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
To expand - beyond any active attempts the boyfriend may engage in to control her, she may feel judged by you for staying in what she on some level knows is a life-denying and dangerous bond. Not talking to you probably pains her as much as it does you - doubly so. I'm sure she wants to reach out, she's isolated, she misses you; but she knows talking to you means confronting the reality of what's happening, maybe she fears you'll get sick of hearing her complain and wash your hands, or she's ashamed and doesn't want to be associated with your judgment of her partner (with whom she probably identifies). The kind of dissonance involved in being in this kind of relationship is almost impossible to understand if you haven't experienced it.
To people on the outside of such a relationship, the answer is very clear - just leave. From the inside, things are a lot more complicated. There's enmeshment, the erosion of self-esteem, a wholly disorienting self-alienation that occurs in the service of maintaining a bond intensified by trauma, sunk cost calculations - reading about DV and what it does to people will help you understand what is happening to your friend.
(If you do speak to her, try not to judge her. Even - don't mention the relationship, just talk to her about whatever. Even that provides a temporary reprieve from the stress of the relationship, and lets her know she is loved, and may remind her of who she used to be, and what "normal" is like.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:10 PM on March 25, 2015 [18 favorites]
To people on the outside of such a relationship, the answer is very clear - just leave. From the inside, things are a lot more complicated. There's enmeshment, the erosion of self-esteem, a wholly disorienting self-alienation that occurs in the service of maintaining a bond intensified by trauma, sunk cost calculations - reading about DV and what it does to people will help you understand what is happening to your friend.
(If you do speak to her, try not to judge her. Even - don't mention the relationship, just talk to her about whatever. Even that provides a temporary reprieve from the stress of the relationship, and lets her know she is loved, and may remind her of who she used to be, and what "normal" is like.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:10 PM on March 25, 2015 [18 favorites]
I'm sure there are exceptions but I don't personally know of any cheerful, secure, serene relationships that spill all over Facebook to such noticeable extent. I would file it under "front."
posted by kmennie at 3:23 PM on March 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by kmennie at 3:23 PM on March 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
I was in an abusive relationship when I was a teenager, and over 15 years later, I am thankful every day for the friends who held on to me. I was, through no fault of my own, a really shitty friend back then, because he dictated who I could talk to. It meant everything to me that there were still people around for me when I came out the other side. If she really is like family to you, please stay with her. She's going to really need you, sooner hopefully than later.
posted by Ruki at 3:43 PM on March 25, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by Ruki at 3:43 PM on March 25, 2015 [13 favorites]
Oh wow, yes. Keep the lines of communication open. This absolutely screams 'abusive controlling partner' all over the place. Hide her feed if you have to, though my initial thinking is don't: continually seeing this stuff lets you know at least that she's alive, and if something pops up, will also let you see if something seems really amiss, which could be a prompt to reach out.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:49 PM on March 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:49 PM on March 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
[I] let her know I would always be there should she need anything.
Well, if you didn't mean that then unfriending her on facebook is a good way to let her know that you will not actually always be there.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 3:59 PM on March 25, 2015 [11 favorites]
Well, if you didn't mean that then unfriending her on facebook is a good way to let her know that you will not actually always be there.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 3:59 PM on March 25, 2015 [11 favorites]
Just to reiterate what a few other commenters are saying, isolating someone from their friends and family (e.g.: by forcing them to break off contact) is absolutely textbook abusive relationship stuff. See here or here. You've interpreted your friend's radio silence as "passive aggressively discontinuing a friendship" but I would suggest that you keep your mind open about what has caused her to stop talking.
posted by mhum at 4:46 PM on March 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by mhum at 4:46 PM on March 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think you owe it to her to be persistent, and to do whatever you can for her. She has lived with depression and is now in an abusive relationship.
I suggest you contact her family (if she is on good terms with them), but you must not give up.
posted by Nevin at 4:50 PM on March 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
I suggest you contact her family (if she is on good terms with them), but you must not give up.
posted by Nevin at 4:50 PM on March 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
The MO of abusive people is generally to isolate the other person from anyone that might help them get out of the control the abuser is wants to inflict. This includes friends. I wouldn't be surprised if he's making sure she's unable to make or keep much money now either. He doesn't have to be physically abusive to be controlling and manipulative (although physical abuse is not uncommon in these situations).
I agree you shouldn't block her entirely, but I wouldn't continue much contact her either. Maybe just send her a simple: "ok, whatever you need. You know I'm here for you if you change your mind." And leave it at that. If he is controlling he may have access to her email so might be better to just call and tell her this, not sure.
First and foremost you need to protect yourself. We don't know the extent of this guy's control issues, but if he becomes physically violent and she tries to escape, he will be looking for the people who are likely to be helping her. In some cases they can ambush and get violent towards these people as well. Countless stories of battered women who left their abusive exes by seeking refuge in their parents or friends homes only to come home one day to find their parents wounded and taken hostage at gun point etc. Unfortunately I had a friend who was abused and I offered to help her, but in a moment of weakness she decided to go back to her abuser. Then she told him EVERYTHING about me including where I lived etc. and I caught him a few times in the following weeks parked outside my house for no reason. After that I refused to help her again because I couldn't trust that she wouldn't go back to him again and go blabbing to him about it. I was living with others at the time and it was an unfair safety risk for them too. It's good to help her, but make sure she's committed to leaving before doing so and 100% committed to keeping the fact that it's YOU helping her a secret from her abuser no matter what information he tries to get from her. You can't help someone if they're not committed to helping themselves.
posted by rancher at 4:53 PM on March 25, 2015
I agree you shouldn't block her entirely, but I wouldn't continue much contact her either. Maybe just send her a simple: "ok, whatever you need. You know I'm here for you if you change your mind." And leave it at that. If he is controlling he may have access to her email so might be better to just call and tell her this, not sure.
First and foremost you need to protect yourself. We don't know the extent of this guy's control issues, but if he becomes physically violent and she tries to escape, he will be looking for the people who are likely to be helping her. In some cases they can ambush and get violent towards these people as well. Countless stories of battered women who left their abusive exes by seeking refuge in their parents or friends homes only to come home one day to find their parents wounded and taken hostage at gun point etc. Unfortunately I had a friend who was abused and I offered to help her, but in a moment of weakness she decided to go back to her abuser. Then she told him EVERYTHING about me including where I lived etc. and I caught him a few times in the following weeks parked outside my house for no reason. After that I refused to help her again because I couldn't trust that she wouldn't go back to him again and go blabbing to him about it. I was living with others at the time and it was an unfair safety risk for them too. It's good to help her, but make sure she's committed to leaving before doing so and 100% committed to keeping the fact that it's YOU helping her a secret from her abuser no matter what information he tries to get from her. You can't help someone if they're not committed to helping themselves.
posted by rancher at 4:53 PM on March 25, 2015
Based on what you described and how you frame this, you apparently leave open the possibility this guy is controlling her and could be part of her radio silence. Isn't one of the hallmarks of an abusive partner is that they make the victim cut off other close ties and isolate the victim? You could check in with mutual friends or family and make sure she's alright. Maybe they will tell you she's fine and you should back off. But maybe they have experienced something similar and, like you, thought your friend just didn't like them anymore.
Regardless, what I would do is set Facebook so you no longer see her activity and see her boyfriend tagging her. But I wouldn't just shut the door on the friendship, especially if you still care about her. Maybe if she see on Facebook she is going away without him or will be separate from him for a while, call her or text her and try to talk. This seems a little fishy. But I think as long-distance friends who went long stretches without talking anyway, this seems a little early to write her off completely.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:15 PM on March 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Regardless, what I would do is set Facebook so you no longer see her activity and see her boyfriend tagging her. But I wouldn't just shut the door on the friendship, especially if you still care about her. Maybe if she see on Facebook she is going away without him or will be separate from him for a while, call her or text her and try to talk. This seems a little fishy. But I think as long-distance friends who went long stretches without talking anyway, this seems a little early to write her off completely.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:15 PM on March 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm with Ruki. The people who kept in touch when I was all smiling and being super busy with wonderful partner have been so great when I finally got out. I got burnt by a friend who in hindsight was very similar to him, who I asked for help about the relationship who cut me off because it was "too much drama and my fault" and I was too scared to ask anyone else for help because I thought they were both right and I wasn't worth anyone's friendship if they knew how unhappy I was with my perfect life.
Unfollow her if you need to but if you can keep a connection going, some day that could mean so much to her. Especially a friend who knew her pre-abusive boyfriend.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:05 PM on March 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
Unfollow her if you need to but if you can keep a connection going, some day that could mean so much to her. Especially a friend who knew her pre-abusive boyfriend.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:05 PM on March 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
It's no coincidence that her withdrawal, cancelling plans, not meeting up with you etc has all happened since she has moved in with the abusive bf. He now has unlimited access to her and she has few, if any, escapes from him.
The modus operandi of a successful abuser is to isolate their victim from the outside world - including good friends. The head games are really incomprehensible to someone who isn't in the relationship, having had the foundations laid down carefully over months if not years. He'll know exactly how to prey on her weaknesses, how to exploit her doubts and turn everything good against her. People she had implicit faith in will become potential enemies. He'll tell her the sky is red and if you try gently to point out that it isn't, it's blue (or grey or black), she might well have a go at you for contradicting him. You're all against him. No one understands how wonderful he really is. She may well have doubts, but this is part of the plan about isolating her. If it's all in her head and she has no one to act as a sounding board, her sense of perspective will be lost and her reality will gradually shift.
Most abuse includes a psychological component, of course, but in my opinion emotional abusers who don't actually hit their partners are even more dangerous. Obviously people can and do rationalise physical violence as well, but it's even easier to rationalise emotional and psychological abuse.
I was not in your friend's situation, because I never moved in with my emotionally abusive ex. It was bad enough and I got close enough to losing my perspective on reality. A couple of friends who put up with a lot of me behaving badly through all this were a real lifeline for me. It is up to you whether you want to persist in a situation that obviously causes you distress, but I would encourage you not to give up on her.
posted by Athanassiel at 6:08 PM on March 25, 2015 [11 favorites]
The modus operandi of a successful abuser is to isolate their victim from the outside world - including good friends. The head games are really incomprehensible to someone who isn't in the relationship, having had the foundations laid down carefully over months if not years. He'll know exactly how to prey on her weaknesses, how to exploit her doubts and turn everything good against her. People she had implicit faith in will become potential enemies. He'll tell her the sky is red and if you try gently to point out that it isn't, it's blue (or grey or black), she might well have a go at you for contradicting him. You're all against him. No one understands how wonderful he really is. She may well have doubts, but this is part of the plan about isolating her. If it's all in her head and she has no one to act as a sounding board, her sense of perspective will be lost and her reality will gradually shift.
Most abuse includes a psychological component, of course, but in my opinion emotional abusers who don't actually hit their partners are even more dangerous. Obviously people can and do rationalise physical violence as well, but it's even easier to rationalise emotional and psychological abuse.
I was not in your friend's situation, because I never moved in with my emotionally abusive ex. It was bad enough and I got close enough to losing my perspective on reality. A couple of friends who put up with a lot of me behaving badly through all this were a real lifeline for me. It is up to you whether you want to persist in a situation that obviously causes you distress, but I would encourage you not to give up on her.
posted by Athanassiel at 6:08 PM on March 25, 2015 [11 favorites]
I suggest that her radio silence is also a way to passively signal to you that something is very, very wrong with her current reality.
posted by macinchik at 6:34 PM on March 25, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by macinchik at 6:34 PM on March 25, 2015 [8 favorites]
She needs you. To quote lyrics from a great song I found... "let's not interfere a life, she calls her own... but be there, when she calls home."
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 7:12 PM on March 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 7:12 PM on March 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
I was in an unhealthy relationship for many years and my boyfriend at the time would monitor my social media and cell phone and get angry if I spent time with friends (friends of my own gender). Sometimes he would follow me when I went out to see who I was going with, and sometimes he would call me at work to make sure I was really there. I really wanted to be more social but either I was afraid of upsetting him, or I was afraid of the huge fight that would result when he found out. Because he would not let up or let me go to sleep even if I had to work the next day and at times I would have to call in sick just so I could sleep. At the time I did not realize this was unhealthy as it happened so slowly and he always framed it like I was untrustworthy. He disliked some of my closest friends and I wanted to protect them from having someone e-mailing or calling or showing up at their work to be angry at them. So I drifted away from many people. I avoided e-mail and social media and wouldn't even check voicemails or texts.
When I got out of the relationship most people were very excited to see me again and I was able to re-establish many of my friendships after years apart. You don't have to go out of your way to talk to your friend but you should be there for her in case she needs you in the future. I am grateful none of the people I cared about cut me off even though they didn't hear much from me for a couple years. They were easy to find because they were on Facebook and because I had their cell numbers deleted, Facebook was the best way to reach them. There were a few people who did cut me off, but these individuals had me around as a friend of convenience (someone to complain to about their relationship / job / parents / life / school etc) so the moment I was not around to listen I became disposable. They weren't bad people, just friends of convenience, and only you will know what kind of friend yours is. Holding someone's hand at their relative's funeral is a very common human reaction - even strangers will hug you out of sincere desire to cheer a grieving person up. You should look more to what you have done for eachother in everyday routine life to see if the friendship is worth salvaging.
That said I did once have a friend that I had to cut off after she got into an abusive relationship, because they had children and both partook in abusing the children and I wanted nothing to do with those freaks (police got involved) - she chose the man over her own kids - revolting. So yes there are situations where you have to draw the line. That said, it doesn't sound like your friend has done anything beyond not being as responsive as you would like and that is hardly a reason to cut her off.
posted by partly squamous and partly rugose at 7:37 PM on March 25, 2015 [6 favorites]
When I got out of the relationship most people were very excited to see me again and I was able to re-establish many of my friendships after years apart. You don't have to go out of your way to talk to your friend but you should be there for her in case she needs you in the future. I am grateful none of the people I cared about cut me off even though they didn't hear much from me for a couple years. They were easy to find because they were on Facebook and because I had their cell numbers deleted, Facebook was the best way to reach them. There were a few people who did cut me off, but these individuals had me around as a friend of convenience (someone to complain to about their relationship / job / parents / life / school etc) so the moment I was not around to listen I became disposable. They weren't bad people, just friends of convenience, and only you will know what kind of friend yours is. Holding someone's hand at their relative's funeral is a very common human reaction - even strangers will hug you out of sincere desire to cheer a grieving person up. You should look more to what you have done for eachother in everyday routine life to see if the friendship is worth salvaging.
That said I did once have a friend that I had to cut off after she got into an abusive relationship, because they had children and both partook in abusing the children and I wanted nothing to do with those freaks (police got involved) - she chose the man over her own kids - revolting. So yes there are situations where you have to draw the line. That said, it doesn't sound like your friend has done anything beyond not being as responsive as you would like and that is hardly a reason to cut her off.
posted by partly squamous and partly rugose at 7:37 PM on March 25, 2015 [6 favorites]
I agree with everyone else -- keep the door open without drawing attention to yourself. Hopefully he didn't find any emails where you openly told her not to move in or whatever. (When I was in a messed up relationship, I was able to keep contact with people he believed liked him.) Send her a birthday note, the occasional thing. Imagine some completely jealous jerk twisting your words and using them to claim she did something wrong or isn't good enough to him or whatever. So don't be vague in a way that could get her in trouble. ("Remember that time you called me from the party?" "What party!?") Try to support her self esteem and remind her of herself. ("Happy birthday to my beautiful, smart, funny friend." "This puppy looks like your old dog Snoopy when he was little!")
It is painful, what you're going through. I'm sorry. It sucks. Hopefully she'll find her way out. Try hard not to take it personally.
posted by salvia at 8:30 PM on March 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
It is painful, what you're going through. I'm sorry. It sucks. Hopefully she'll find her way out. Try hard not to take it personally.
posted by salvia at 8:30 PM on March 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
While it wouldn't be rude to cut her off, I agree with the prevailing opionion here that you could simply unfollow her for now. There's no telling to what extent the abusive boyfriend might be controlling her online interactions. Be prepared though: stuff will leak through. And constantly seeing reminders of someone who is giving you the cold shoulder can be draining. Here are a couple of things I would consider doing:
Blocking the boyfriend on facebook. That will ensure that he won't see you (from his profile at least), and minimize any jealousy and drama if he views you as a threat. And if you do end up on her profile for whatever reason, at least you won't see his posts.
If you use firefox, you might use adblocker to block profile pics. Depending on how much you've interacted, her face might still pop up in your friends or chat areas. If you don't want to see those reminders of hurt feelings, you don't have to.
If you ever feel the need to talk to her down the road--for closure, or for any reason--consider calling her. Not skyping, not messaging, but picking up a phone and calling her. I wouldn't do this if I thought the boyfriend might be around when I called, but when it comes down to it, it's infinitely better than other forms of messaging when someone is distancing him or herself, because they either pick up or don't (and there are fewer misunderstandings if they do). You don't have to leave a message in hopes of getting a response which may never come.
Finally, take care of yourself. Your social network should not be a source of grief. Being cut off like you were is horribly unfair to someone who was a good friend, and not hearing back from a person tends to create an open loop in one's mind, one that will be harder for you to close if you choose to keep her in your online social network. Since she won't give you closure, you might have to find another way to deal with the emotions of losing your friend. Personally, I find journaling very helpful, but whatever works for you.
posted by millions at 10:05 PM on March 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Blocking the boyfriend on facebook. That will ensure that he won't see you (from his profile at least), and minimize any jealousy and drama if he views you as a threat. And if you do end up on her profile for whatever reason, at least you won't see his posts.
If you use firefox, you might use adblocker to block profile pics. Depending on how much you've interacted, her face might still pop up in your friends or chat areas. If you don't want to see those reminders of hurt feelings, you don't have to.
If you ever feel the need to talk to her down the road--for closure, or for any reason--consider calling her. Not skyping, not messaging, but picking up a phone and calling her. I wouldn't do this if I thought the boyfriend might be around when I called, but when it comes down to it, it's infinitely better than other forms of messaging when someone is distancing him or herself, because they either pick up or don't (and there are fewer misunderstandings if they do). You don't have to leave a message in hopes of getting a response which may never come.
Finally, take care of yourself. Your social network should not be a source of grief. Being cut off like you were is horribly unfair to someone who was a good friend, and not hearing back from a person tends to create an open loop in one's mind, one that will be harder for you to close if you choose to keep her in your online social network. Since she won't give you closure, you might have to find another way to deal with the emotions of losing your friend. Personally, I find journaling very helpful, but whatever works for you.
posted by millions at 10:05 PM on March 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
She is, for all intents and purposes, being held hostage by her boyfriend, so now is not the time to bail out.
Unfollow her.
Block him.
posted by Kwadeng at 11:07 PM on March 25, 2015
Unfollow her.
Block him.
posted by Kwadeng at 11:07 PM on March 25, 2015
I asked to meet up. The message went ignored...I sent her an email...Read the msg, no response.
I would bet that she never saw those messages.
I wouldn't text or email. I'd call her and talk. I wouldn't leave a message (or email or text) that you're in any way worried just in case he's checking her accounts.
It seems very likely that this guy is isolating her and to echo those above, she's going to need your help one day.
Get her on the phone and try to get a sense of the situation. Bear in mind that she may not tell you things are bad, but from your description, it's pretty likely he's controlling her.
posted by kinetic at 2:27 AM on March 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
I would bet that she never saw those messages.
I wouldn't text or email. I'd call her and talk. I wouldn't leave a message (or email or text) that you're in any way worried just in case he's checking her accounts.
It seems very likely that this guy is isolating her and to echo those above, she's going to need your help one day.
Get her on the phone and try to get a sense of the situation. Bear in mind that she may not tell you things are bad, but from your description, it's pretty likely he's controlling her.
posted by kinetic at 2:27 AM on March 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
Please don't cut her off. Please. Isolating from friends is a classic abusive relationship sign. She's probably walking on egg shells and contacting you might have serious consequences for friend. :/
Be there for her when she can contact you. Let her know you are not mad at her - she has plenty of that at home! If anything, what could be a better 'f--k you' to the abusive boyfriend than not being able to alienate you.
posted by Neekee at 6:41 AM on March 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Be there for her when she can contact you. Let her know you are not mad at her - she has plenty of that at home! If anything, what could be a better 'f--k you' to the abusive boyfriend than not being able to alienate you.
posted by Neekee at 6:41 AM on March 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Since she's in an abusive relationship, she probably was not able, unfortunately, to deal with the "you hurt my feelings/what did I do?" message, which is not to say you shouldn't have sent it. Someone who is rationalizing living with a person in the kind of relationship you describe is no doubt defensive and probably can't provide the a healthy response to your email. Maybe she didn't answer because she can't make it right between you if she wants to continue defending the relationship.
What strikes me is that she asked you to "not to forget her" and you haven't. I think it would be good for her to know that and that you might feel better if she knew that you've held up your end of the bargain. So call her to talk or leave a message that says "I miss you. I was think about the time we (insert fun memory. . .)" Leaving her a message like that would acknowledge that there is a rift between you without being "rude." It might even give her the opportunity to talk to you from a more honest place. If you do talk and she starts telling you the terrible secret about her relationship. You can just say, "It makes me sad that your relationship hasn't gotten any better because I know that my belief that you should leave him keeps us from being close." Then leave it at that. She knows you have have not forgotten her and you made clear in a kind way that you are not going to be the friend who goes supports a relationship that needs to be rationalized.
Then just manage your Facebook settings to not see anything about her life or boyfriend. Friends can come together, grow apart and come together again. That's more likely if there hasn't been an overwrought showdown. Even if that doesn't happen, you will feel better if you manage the distance between in a graceful way honors your feelings but doesn't hurt back.
posted by GeorgieYeats at 6:55 AM on March 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
What strikes me is that she asked you to "not to forget her" and you haven't. I think it would be good for her to know that and that you might feel better if she knew that you've held up your end of the bargain. So call her to talk or leave a message that says "I miss you. I was think about the time we (insert fun memory. . .)" Leaving her a message like that would acknowledge that there is a rift between you without being "rude." It might even give her the opportunity to talk to you from a more honest place. If you do talk and she starts telling you the terrible secret about her relationship. You can just say, "It makes me sad that your relationship hasn't gotten any better because I know that my belief that you should leave him keeps us from being close." Then leave it at that. She knows you have have not forgotten her and you made clear in a kind way that you are not going to be the friend who goes supports a relationship that needs to be rationalized.
Then just manage your Facebook settings to not see anything about her life or boyfriend. Friends can come together, grow apart and come together again. That's more likely if there hasn't been an overwrought showdown. Even if that doesn't happen, you will feel better if you manage the distance between in a graceful way honors your feelings but doesn't hurt back.
posted by GeorgieYeats at 6:55 AM on March 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
GeorgieYeats has a spot-on comment: "You will feel better if you manage the distance between in a graceful way that honors your feelings but doesn't hurt back." Absolutely.
"she confessed he was emotionally abusive. She told me about the terrible things he would say"
It's so amazing that she is not in complete denial about the fact that she is being abused by her boyfriend - and that she trusts you enough to reveal her secret to you. The fact that you were as close as you were for years, and that she confessed this to you is actually a huge compliment to you as a friend. And I say this as someone whose best friend for years has been acting crappy and completely out-of-character (see my recent Ask) ever since partnering with an emotional abuser who keeps trying to isolate her from her old friends and her income sources, but she is still in denial. Which is 100% characteristic of women who are being abused by their romantic partners. So please take your friend's brave confession as an incredible compliment that you are someone she trusts the most, even if her life circumstances right now preclude her from reaching out to you. She sees you as a real and true friend. See the profound meaning there. Ignore the noise and false representations from her abuser on FB. You know what's up. Maintain warm relations with her and keep the lines of communication open. Let your actions speak your intention to be supportive and non-judgmental of her if and when she decides to leave him. Put your own need for reciprocity from her completely aside for now - because as his hostage, obviously she can't meet your friendship needs and respond to you the way she no doubt wishes in her heart of hearts she could.
Abusers like her boyfriend are only able to permanently isolate their victims socially if the victim's friends and family completely give up on them because they have unrealistic expectations the victim can't possibly meet. Please, please, please do not misunderstand her current silence.
posted by hush at 9:13 AM on March 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
"she confessed he was emotionally abusive. She told me about the terrible things he would say"
It's so amazing that she is not in complete denial about the fact that she is being abused by her boyfriend - and that she trusts you enough to reveal her secret to you. The fact that you were as close as you were for years, and that she confessed this to you is actually a huge compliment to you as a friend. And I say this as someone whose best friend for years has been acting crappy and completely out-of-character (see my recent Ask) ever since partnering with an emotional abuser who keeps trying to isolate her from her old friends and her income sources, but she is still in denial. Which is 100% characteristic of women who are being abused by their romantic partners. So please take your friend's brave confession as an incredible compliment that you are someone she trusts the most, even if her life circumstances right now preclude her from reaching out to you. She sees you as a real and true friend. See the profound meaning there. Ignore the noise and false representations from her abuser on FB. You know what's up. Maintain warm relations with her and keep the lines of communication open. Let your actions speak your intention to be supportive and non-judgmental of her if and when she decides to leave him. Put your own need for reciprocity from her completely aside for now - because as his hostage, obviously she can't meet your friendship needs and respond to you the way she no doubt wishes in her heart of hearts she could.
Abusers like her boyfriend are only able to permanently isolate their victims socially if the victim's friends and family completely give up on them because they have unrealistic expectations the victim can't possibly meet. Please, please, please do not misunderstand her current silence.
posted by hush at 9:13 AM on March 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'm not going to touch on the abuse aspect (enough of that above)--but you might want to take some extra steps based on that.
I just want to bring up that you seem to be getting to the point in your life where maintaining friendships gets really hard. This is a thing that happens. People become seriously involved in relationships and don't have time. People become seriously involved in careers and don't have time. People's interests change, they spend more time with some people and less with others--this happens several times over your life. I strongly, strongly recommend learning how to let go while leaving the door open for people to step back into your life, because it's just as likely that someone who drifted away at one point will realign with you later. Good news is that we're in a time where that is easy, all you have to do is keep posting on social media just like you normally would anyway, and maybe drop a quick "happy birthday" when Facebook reminds you to. And then let the matter go from your mind, it doesn't need to cost more than, say, 10 minutes a year (for the birthday note), which is a pretty cheap price for keeping the door of friendship open.
posted by anaelith at 6:35 AM on March 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
I just want to bring up that you seem to be getting to the point in your life where maintaining friendships gets really hard. This is a thing that happens. People become seriously involved in relationships and don't have time. People become seriously involved in careers and don't have time. People's interests change, they spend more time with some people and less with others--this happens several times over your life. I strongly, strongly recommend learning how to let go while leaving the door open for people to step back into your life, because it's just as likely that someone who drifted away at one point will realign with you later. Good news is that we're in a time where that is easy, all you have to do is keep posting on social media just like you normally would anyway, and maybe drop a quick "happy birthday" when Facebook reminds you to. And then let the matter go from your mind, it doesn't need to cost more than, say, 10 minutes a year (for the birthday note), which is a pretty cheap price for keeping the door of friendship open.
posted by anaelith at 6:35 AM on March 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
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posted by cotton dress sock at 2:45 PM on March 25, 2015 [75 favorites]