When the end is nigh....
February 11, 2015 2:59 PM Subscribe
Currently in a marriage where the love has faded. Looking for advice. Blah. Blah. Blah.
Here's the scoop:
Here's the scoop:
- Married 13 years
- I cheated twice, both over several years ago.
- Recently met soul mate. Completely and unabashedly sure of this. We have not cheated physically; however, emotionally I am hers and hers alone. She's in her own situation and working on that.
- Wife controls all finance, joint bank account with direct deposit. I have no funds of my "own."
- As soon as I shift my direct deposit, she will go psycho for not having control.
- I have a history of depression, anxiety and OCD.
- I have no living relatives that I can ask for help or lodging. I have no friends.
- Wife has been wonderful through the years, is unaware of infidelity, but also is very controlling.
- She will be vindictive when it ends, and will destroy me. She will enjoy hitting my triggers and causing me pain.
- There was one instance 8 years ago where she struck me and I pushed her. She calls me an abuser every time when get into a verbal fight.
- What do I do first? How does the general concept of divorce work?
- What do you recommend for handling the finances?
- What might you suggest for my lodging options? I'm in the Northeast, so sleeping in the vehicle won't work?
- Will legal counsel meet with me even though I have no money? How do they normally accept payment?
- Are there any things that you feel that I should know going into this situation? From your personal experience?
- If I'm able to successfully separate, would moving in with my soul mate be an option? We may be able to work this, I'm just unsure if that's wise while both going through divorce.
My credentials: I am the child of two (non-divorce) lawyers, who are now divorced.
Most divorce lawyers will at least have an initial discussion without you needing to pay them. During that discussion, you'll talk about how you could pay them, what steps you would need to take before the process can go any farther, etc. Sometimes, if the other spouse makes far more money or controls all the money, the judge in the case will order them to pay for at least some of your divorce procedures. But the first thing you need to do is lawyer up.
posted by protocoach at 3:22 PM on February 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Most divorce lawyers will at least have an initial discussion without you needing to pay them. During that discussion, you'll talk about how you could pay them, what steps you would need to take before the process can go any farther, etc. Sometimes, if the other spouse makes far more money or controls all the money, the judge in the case will order them to pay for at least some of your divorce procedures. But the first thing you need to do is lawyer up.
posted by protocoach at 3:22 PM on February 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Do you make enough money to pay for your own place? Does your wife earn enough to maintain your current living situation? Do you have any joint savings that you care about keeping? Do you have any children?
posted by metasarah at 3:27 PM on February 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 3:27 PM on February 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
To be honest, I would suggest couple's therapy. Forget the affair, for now. Even if you don't want to be in a marriage with your wife anymore, you both need to be in therapy to figure out how you can take control of your life and the relationship.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 3:33 PM on February 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 3:33 PM on February 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
Go see a lawyer for a free consult. Go see a few for a free consult. Get copies of your financial documents - bank accounts, credit accounts, retirement accounts, whatever. Email them to a new email address that she doesn't know about. Start pulling out cash for small expenditures and start saving it. Pull copies of your credit reports to see if there's any financial stuff there that you may be missing. Do you have irreplaceable valuables that you can take from the home unnoticed? Get a safety deposit box or keep them in a locked drawer at work.
Go see a therapist. With your mental health history and the soul mate stuff, a big life change like a brutal divorce will likely require that you have a support system for yourself. In the absence of friends and family, a therapist can be a life saver.
posted by quince at 3:49 PM on February 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Go see a therapist. With your mental health history and the soul mate stuff, a big life change like a brutal divorce will likely require that you have a support system for yourself. In the absence of friends and family, a therapist can be a life saver.
posted by quince at 3:49 PM on February 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
I agree with couples therapy, not for the purpose of seeing if you can save the marriage -- couples therapists aren't generally in the business of saving relationships, and anyway, it does sound like you've got one foot out the door already -- but for the purpose of seeing if you can both move on in a way that's least damaging to each of you. Helping couples separate, rather than reconcile, will definitely be in the wheelhouse of a couples therapist, and it sounds like you need that kind of help right now. I actually wish I had gone that route when my marriage was breaking up.
posted by holborne at 3:51 PM on February 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by holborne at 3:51 PM on February 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
1. Talk to a few lawyers and get some understanding of the ins and outs - divorce laws vary by state and sometimes county, so it is important that you are informed. Don't hire the first lawyer you talk to. Speak with 2-5 to get an idea of rates and rapport.
2. Get your own credit card and bank account. If you can get to your bank accounts, you should get statements and balances on everything you can. A lawyer can advise you of the rest, but the main idea is to get as much info as you can and to prepare for paying for things on your own. Joint money is your money, aside from her being POed, she can't do anything if you take it and put it in your account.
3. Find a roomate, or a cheap apartment. You can upgrade later.
4. Almost all lawyers will talk with you for free and outline their requirements for payment and retainer. Usually, you will need a couple thousand up front, but this will vary.
5. Learn to use Customer Service Voice - never be sarcastic. Always brief and always on point. Try to stick to Yes/No answers. Anything you say or do will be construed in the worst way - don't give them ammo. Always be the better human. Yes, it can be cathartic to yell or send a snarky email. Don't do it. Be the person your dog thinks you are.
6. Moving in with another woman before the divorce could have repercussions on you. Talk with a lawyer, but generally, it is ill advised. Besides, you don't need additional complications. I would recommend against it until the divorce is final.
More thoughts - consider getting a therapist. If for nothing else, it is someone to unload your feelings and frustrations onto who can help you deal with them. A divorce in the best of cases can make you crazy - and if they are difficult will make you insane.
Keep your chin up. Always be the better human. Good luck.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 3:55 PM on February 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
2. Get your own credit card and bank account. If you can get to your bank accounts, you should get statements and balances on everything you can. A lawyer can advise you of the rest, but the main idea is to get as much info as you can and to prepare for paying for things on your own. Joint money is your money, aside from her being POed, she can't do anything if you take it and put it in your account.
3. Find a roomate, or a cheap apartment. You can upgrade later.
4. Almost all lawyers will talk with you for free and outline their requirements for payment and retainer. Usually, you will need a couple thousand up front, but this will vary.
5. Learn to use Customer Service Voice - never be sarcastic. Always brief and always on point. Try to stick to Yes/No answers. Anything you say or do will be construed in the worst way - don't give them ammo. Always be the better human. Yes, it can be cathartic to yell or send a snarky email. Don't do it. Be the person your dog thinks you are.
6. Moving in with another woman before the divorce could have repercussions on you. Talk with a lawyer, but generally, it is ill advised. Besides, you don't need additional complications. I would recommend against it until the divorce is final.
More thoughts - consider getting a therapist. If for nothing else, it is someone to unload your feelings and frustrations onto who can help you deal with them. A divorce in the best of cases can make you crazy - and if they are difficult will make you insane.
Keep your chin up. Always be the better human. Good luck.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 3:55 PM on February 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'm in the process of divorcing a highly combative narcissist man. His goal is to destroy me as well, but I've kept my head high and have had to learn who my real friends are, but I'm fine.
Get out, get out quickly. I agree with all the other advice you've been given...lawyer up, credit card, separate mailing address in a nearby town if you have to, and stash some money. The latter is the only thing I didn't do in advance. What is funny is that the soon to be ex thinks I have a huge amount stashed. LOL, don't I wish!
I'm in a teeny tiny apartment and love my freedom. Whether the lady I. Question is your soul mate, time will tell. Just don't be in a hurry to connect yourself legally or financially for some time.
Good luck. You will be surprised at how much support you get from where you least expect it. I've been floored by the generosity and true caring I've received from people I never expected it from.
posted by OkTwigs at 4:06 PM on February 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
Get out, get out quickly. I agree with all the other advice you've been given...lawyer up, credit card, separate mailing address in a nearby town if you have to, and stash some money. The latter is the only thing I didn't do in advance. What is funny is that the soon to be ex thinks I have a huge amount stashed. LOL, don't I wish!
I'm in a teeny tiny apartment and love my freedom. Whether the lady I. Question is your soul mate, time will tell. Just don't be in a hurry to connect yourself legally or financially for some time.
Good luck. You will be surprised at how much support you get from where you least expect it. I've been floored by the generosity and true caring I've received from people I never expected it from.
posted by OkTwigs at 4:06 PM on February 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
"I am hers and hers alone."
Uh, yeah. No, dude.
You are in this mess because you are not your own person. If you continue to abdicate your own control over your own life, you are buying future problems and headaches.
Therapy by yourself, for your personal issues. Stat.
Oh? Your wife is both wonderful and a controlling overlord? That's not true! In this instance, it can not be both.
But y'know. Painting her as a controlling dictator makes it OK to cheat and lie, right? Nope. Actually, it makes it a thousand times more important for you to find your voice and start operating as a mature adult who is responsible for his choices and the consequences. You don't get to play the victim.
You do get to straighten yourself out first so you can then walk away from your current commitment respectfully, with firm confidence, and as kindly as possible.
After a therapist and self-work, you'll be ready for an attorney.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 4:07 PM on February 11, 2015 [155 favorites]
Uh, yeah. No, dude.
You are in this mess because you are not your own person. If you continue to abdicate your own control over your own life, you are buying future problems and headaches.
Therapy by yourself, for your personal issues. Stat.
Oh? Your wife is both wonderful and a controlling overlord? That's not true! In this instance, it can not be both.
But y'know. Painting her as a controlling dictator makes it OK to cheat and lie, right? Nope. Actually, it makes it a thousand times more important for you to find your voice and start operating as a mature adult who is responsible for his choices and the consequences. You don't get to play the victim.
You do get to straighten yourself out first so you can then walk away from your current commitment respectfully, with firm confidence, and as kindly as possible.
After a therapist and self-work, you'll be ready for an attorney.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 4:07 PM on February 11, 2015 [155 favorites]
You should get a post office box through the post office or a place like the UPS store so you have an address separate from home and work to get physical stuff mailed to. Lawyers in particular still deal in paper, and stuff related to new credit cards or bank accounts could use that address as well.
posted by gudrun at 4:14 PM on February 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by gudrun at 4:14 PM on February 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Good advice so far. The thing that popped into my head was about the soulmate. She might be your soulmate now, but after you've moved on from your own situation, she might find that she suddenly doesn't feel she can fix her own situation and you'll be out of luck, or even worse find yourself strung along for years while she's "fixing" it. Or maybe things will work out for the two of you and your respective situations and then three years down the road she decides it's not working out or whatever.
What I'm getting at is, you can't depend on others for your own happiness. I think the best relationships are between two people who are just fine and dandy on their own, and choose to be with each other because the partnership makes living life better. Soul mates will break your heart.
So work on yourself first, emotionally and practically. Figure out your key responsibilities and how you can meet those (kids? taking care of yourself financially? not freezing to death sleeping in your car?), and then figure out what it would take to make you, yourself, by yourself, happy and then go for that. If your soulmate wants to come along for that ride, awesome!
Check into getting some kind of one on one counseling, before, during, and/or after the divorce. This will help, trust me. Do this whether or not you get couple's counseling (although that's not a bad idea). Look for resources that don't cost too much, you might find something.
Otherwise, work out a lot, make new friends, and find some new stuff to do with your freedom. Good Luck!
posted by natteringnabob at 4:14 PM on February 11, 2015 [24 favorites]
What I'm getting at is, you can't depend on others for your own happiness. I think the best relationships are between two people who are just fine and dandy on their own, and choose to be with each other because the partnership makes living life better. Soul mates will break your heart.
So work on yourself first, emotionally and practically. Figure out your key responsibilities and how you can meet those (kids? taking care of yourself financially? not freezing to death sleeping in your car?), and then figure out what it would take to make you, yourself, by yourself, happy and then go for that. If your soulmate wants to come along for that ride, awesome!
Check into getting some kind of one on one counseling, before, during, and/or after the divorce. This will help, trust me. Do this whether or not you get couple's counseling (although that's not a bad idea). Look for resources that don't cost too much, you might find something.
Otherwise, work out a lot, make new friends, and find some new stuff to do with your freedom. Good Luck!
posted by natteringnabob at 4:14 PM on February 11, 2015 [24 favorites]
What I'm getting at is, you can't depend on others for your own happiness. I think the best relationships are between two people who are just fine and dandy on their own, and choose to be with each other because the partnership makes living life better. Soul mates will break your heart.
Word to your umpteenth granddad. You are in a vulnerable position emotionally right now. It sounds like things have not been right between you and your wife for quite some time. In fact, I am detecting an undertone of abuse in your question. Men can be abused too and I am wondering if you have been. Even if you're not framing it that way, the mention of her being controlling/vindictive, and the fear you're showing, as well as her striking you, all scream "abuse" to me. She's controlling all the finances. That's abusive in my book, even if you aren't working (are you working?)
Your declaration that you belong to your "soulmate" is worrisome; as jbenben said, you are your own person. Please don't be too willing to give yourself away to someone or you might end up in the same position, and be careful of someone who sees that you're vulnerable and comes on strong with the "soulmate" stuff. Personally, I do not believe in soulmates. I believe people can be strongly compatible and it may seem cosmic and mystical in the throes of emotional and hormonal intensity. But I don't care how soulmatey a person seems, they shouldn't want to own you and even if she's not saying she does, it disturbs me that you are so willing to give yourself over to another person.
Please see a therapist who can help you feel strong and independent, and who specializes in divorce. But I would not suggest couple's counseling if you're being abused. Abusers are very good at using the counselor's suggestions to continue tormenting their partner. Just go alone.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 4:38 PM on February 11, 2015
Word to your umpteenth granddad. You are in a vulnerable position emotionally right now. It sounds like things have not been right between you and your wife for quite some time. In fact, I am detecting an undertone of abuse in your question. Men can be abused too and I am wondering if you have been. Even if you're not framing it that way, the mention of her being controlling/vindictive, and the fear you're showing, as well as her striking you, all scream "abuse" to me. She's controlling all the finances. That's abusive in my book, even if you aren't working (are you working?)
Your declaration that you belong to your "soulmate" is worrisome; as jbenben said, you are your own person. Please don't be too willing to give yourself away to someone or you might end up in the same position, and be careful of someone who sees that you're vulnerable and comes on strong with the "soulmate" stuff. Personally, I do not believe in soulmates. I believe people can be strongly compatible and it may seem cosmic and mystical in the throes of emotional and hormonal intensity. But I don't care how soulmatey a person seems, they shouldn't want to own you and even if she's not saying she does, it disturbs me that you are so willing to give yourself over to another person.
Please see a therapist who can help you feel strong and independent, and who specializes in divorce. But I would not suggest couple's counseling if you're being abused. Abusers are very good at using the counselor's suggestions to continue tormenting their partner. Just go alone.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 4:38 PM on February 11, 2015
This is not "love has faded" this is "You are done" and that's fine, it's okay to be done in a relationship but I think you need to be honest about what your situation is like. It sounds from your description like you have been in a controlling relationship and that sucks and I am sorry. At the same time it sounds like you're thinking that jumping in to a new relationship might make any sense at all. It doesn't. First off: if your soon-to-be-ex is going to run you through the wringer, that's not a very nice thing to do to a new partner. Second: you are on drugs. There are a lot of brain chemicals that make you look at a person and think "OMG they are THE ONE" but realistically you are not even in a place where you can assess who might be good for you because you've been in a terrible relationship with someone who took over your life. That person is the person you are trying not to be real soon now. That's not soulmate potential honestly.
So, put that on the back burner as other people have said and try to set yourself up with some independent stuff: po box, credit card (you have a job, you can get a credit card), maybe a bank account for some side money if you can manage that. Really look at your assets. If you really think you're in danger of getting totally shut off, think creatively. Now legally your wife probably won't be able to take your whole bank account but that doesn't mean she can't make it really unpleasant for a long time, or try to do it in the interim. So part of this is going to be you getting and maintaining boundaries. Think about your paycheck. At the point at which you can deposit it elsewhere, sure she'll freak out but could you use it to put a down payment on a small apartment or even a room in shared housing (think: Craigslist, places with heat)? Can you get a second ATM card for this bank account (as easily as walking into the bank, she doesn't have to know). It will be easier for you to get one than for her to get it back. Unless what you are saying is that you have no access to your own money in which case you need lawyer like yesterday.
So back to boundaries Are you in therapy for your issues? Can you get into therapy? People say that couples therapy isn't always good for people in abusive relationships. I don't know if that is what yours is (we have your opinion) but assess that and see what you need to do therapy-wise. At the least you should be getting your own therapy to help you through this. So in the short term look at taking small steps to gain independence. Find reasons to spend more time outside the house. Get therapy. Strategize about the money stuff. The short term plan is to get out. The longer term plans (where will you live, what about the soul mate, how will divorce work) can wait.
Try to stay focused on the practical, even though it's nicer to go somewhere in your head where you and the soulmate are OVER this, realistically you should be focusing your resources on getting just a few steps out of where you are now, first.
posted by jessamyn at 4:49 PM on February 11, 2015 [16 favorites]
So, put that on the back burner as other people have said and try to set yourself up with some independent stuff: po box, credit card (you have a job, you can get a credit card), maybe a bank account for some side money if you can manage that. Really look at your assets. If you really think you're in danger of getting totally shut off, think creatively. Now legally your wife probably won't be able to take your whole bank account but that doesn't mean she can't make it really unpleasant for a long time, or try to do it in the interim. So part of this is going to be you getting and maintaining boundaries. Think about your paycheck. At the point at which you can deposit it elsewhere, sure she'll freak out but could you use it to put a down payment on a small apartment or even a room in shared housing (think: Craigslist, places with heat)? Can you get a second ATM card for this bank account (as easily as walking into the bank, she doesn't have to know). It will be easier for you to get one than for her to get it back. Unless what you are saying is that you have no access to your own money in which case you need lawyer like yesterday.
So back to boundaries Are you in therapy for your issues? Can you get into therapy? People say that couples therapy isn't always good for people in abusive relationships. I don't know if that is what yours is (we have your opinion) but assess that and see what you need to do therapy-wise. At the least you should be getting your own therapy to help you through this. So in the short term look at taking small steps to gain independence. Find reasons to spend more time outside the house. Get therapy. Strategize about the money stuff. The short term plan is to get out. The longer term plans (where will you live, what about the soul mate, how will divorce work) can wait.
Try to stay focused on the practical, even though it's nicer to go somewhere in your head where you and the soulmate are OVER this, realistically you should be focusing your resources on getting just a few steps out of where you are now, first.
posted by jessamyn at 4:49 PM on February 11, 2015 [16 favorites]
Oh man.
[Zero: do not tell your wife about the cheating. Ever.]
Okay, first things first: do you have a therapist? The first thing you should do, before tipping your hand to your wife, is to get with your therapist and tell them that you want to get a divorce. The point being that you need to get mentally prepared for the upcoming shit-storm. You may need drugs to get through this.
Second: start talking to lawyers. Assuming you live in the USA, a lot of things will depend on what state you live in. Like: alimony? Do you have kids? I hope not. But if you have kids, they're often the toughest part of a divorce.
Third: I'm sorry, but as you've likely noticed from the responses you've been getting, it's unlikely that you'll come out of this divorce with your "soul-mate" intact. (I'd hazard that the odds would be a little bit better if you were female). I know it seems impossible, but you should probably get used to thinking of her as the person who helped to facilitate your divorce by pushing you to the point where you are ready to act on it.
Fourth: "There was one instance 8 years ago where she struck me and I pushed her." I forgive you. Forgive yourself. If it makes you feel better, you're not alone.
I've been where you are: all I can tell you is that it's going to be rough. But it will get better.
posted by doctor tough love at 4:59 PM on February 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
[Zero: do not tell your wife about the cheating. Ever.]
Okay, first things first: do you have a therapist? The first thing you should do, before tipping your hand to your wife, is to get with your therapist and tell them that you want to get a divorce. The point being that you need to get mentally prepared for the upcoming shit-storm. You may need drugs to get through this.
Second: start talking to lawyers. Assuming you live in the USA, a lot of things will depend on what state you live in. Like: alimony? Do you have kids? I hope not. But if you have kids, they're often the toughest part of a divorce.
Third: I'm sorry, but as you've likely noticed from the responses you've been getting, it's unlikely that you'll come out of this divorce with your "soul-mate" intact. (I'd hazard that the odds would be a little bit better if you were female). I know it seems impossible, but you should probably get used to thinking of her as the person who helped to facilitate your divorce by pushing you to the point where you are ready to act on it.
Fourth: "There was one instance 8 years ago where she struck me and I pushed her." I forgive you. Forgive yourself. If it makes you feel better, you're not alone.
I've been where you are: all I can tell you is that it's going to be rough. But it will get better.
posted by doctor tough love at 4:59 PM on February 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
As soon as I shift my direct deposit, she will go psycho for not having control.
Um, so?
Seriously, what dos that actually mean or matter to you? Yes, you've have anxiety and may be bothered by your wife being angry with you. Understandable, but consider whether it really matters.
Otherwise, your first step is to seek a therapist to gain a stronger sense of self. Hopefully while in therapy you'll take a hobby where you can meet other people and gain friendships.
The soulmate? Work on your own shit first. It's not healthy to move in immediately with your soulmate, especially in the midst of a divorce.
Best of luck!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:44 PM on February 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Um, so?
Seriously, what dos that actually mean or matter to you? Yes, you've have anxiety and may be bothered by your wife being angry with you. Understandable, but consider whether it really matters.
Otherwise, your first step is to seek a therapist to gain a stronger sense of self. Hopefully while in therapy you'll take a hobby where you can meet other people and gain friendships.
The soulmate? Work on your own shit first. It's not healthy to move in immediately with your soulmate, especially in the midst of a divorce.
Best of luck!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:44 PM on February 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
It seems really fucked up to me that you are unhappy, to the point where you've glommed onto a soul-mate, and your wife has NO idea. At what point have you gone for therapy to discuss with her the things you're unhappy with and tried to work them out?
I also think it's beyond weird that you've gone from "guy with a wife and no other social outlet, friends or family," to "guy who cheats when he can." Those two things don't really jibe well. What has kept you from making friends? Why is it that the only people you're relating to are romantic partners? That alone should have you spending some time with a therapist. It's unusual. It's concerning.
You can't move from miserable marriage to bliss with soul-mate. It doesn't work that way. Ask yourself this, if there were no other person, would you be looking to leave your marriage? Because I don't think that you would. You haven't in the past. What has kept you in a marriage if you've been unhappy enough to cheat?
So do this honorably. Tell your wife that you're unhappy. Ask her to go to couples counseling with you, not to save your marriage, but to dismantle it with dignity. She's allowed to be angry at you for unilaterally deciding to upend her life. You're allowed to leave if you don't want to stay.
While doing that, open your own bank account, get your own credit card, and see a lawyer to protect your mutual assets.
Yes, your wife will be angry, she may get vindictive. Do what your lawyer suggests.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:57 PM on February 11, 2015 [17 favorites]
I also think it's beyond weird that you've gone from "guy with a wife and no other social outlet, friends or family," to "guy who cheats when he can." Those two things don't really jibe well. What has kept you from making friends? Why is it that the only people you're relating to are romantic partners? That alone should have you spending some time with a therapist. It's unusual. It's concerning.
You can't move from miserable marriage to bliss with soul-mate. It doesn't work that way. Ask yourself this, if there were no other person, would you be looking to leave your marriage? Because I don't think that you would. You haven't in the past. What has kept you in a marriage if you've been unhappy enough to cheat?
So do this honorably. Tell your wife that you're unhappy. Ask her to go to couples counseling with you, not to save your marriage, but to dismantle it with dignity. She's allowed to be angry at you for unilaterally deciding to upend her life. You're allowed to leave if you don't want to stay.
While doing that, open your own bank account, get your own credit card, and see a lawyer to protect your mutual assets.
Yes, your wife will be angry, she may get vindictive. Do what your lawyer suggests.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:57 PM on February 11, 2015 [17 favorites]
I don't understand why everyone is recommending therapy. You already said you have no money. Therapy costs a lot of money.
Look, I agree that therapy would be a great idea for you if you had the means, but obviously you don't. From your question it seems you don't even have enough for a lawyer's consult. So in this situation I would say just hold tight for a while and build up some capital for yourself. You said yourself your 'soulmate' is in a bind herself so there's no hurry to get out right this second. You need a lawyer and you need to open your own accounts etc. So it looks like both you and your mistress need time to pull yourselves together first anyway. Rushing into this is not a good idea when you can't even stand on your own two feet.
posted by manderin at 7:54 PM on February 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Look, I agree that therapy would be a great idea for you if you had the means, but obviously you don't. From your question it seems you don't even have enough for a lawyer's consult. So in this situation I would say just hold tight for a while and build up some capital for yourself. You said yourself your 'soulmate' is in a bind herself so there's no hurry to get out right this second. You need a lawyer and you need to open your own accounts etc. So it looks like both you and your mistress need time to pull yourselves together first anyway. Rushing into this is not a good idea when you can't even stand on your own two feet.
posted by manderin at 7:54 PM on February 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Wow, OP. I really sympathise with you and I'm a little shocked at how harsh some of the comments are towards you.
It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation. You wife is controlling, vindictive, and probably abusive. You've found escape in cheating and in a new relationship. You're scared and have few resources to make the changes you need to make. You also seem to not fully believe that her treatment of you is as bad as it is - the description of her as "wonderful" strikes me as you trying to justify staying with her for so long when you've clearly been unhappy for a long time.
I wonder if the comments would be less harsh if the genders were reversed. Men can - and are - abused in relationships, and no one should have to live in a repressive environment.
The advice to go to the initial consult with a few lawyers is a good one. If you can't afford therapy, call around and see if there are any therapists with a sliding scale or through a university clinic or something.
Having been in your shoes, and being with someone now who could have written your question (other than the soul mate part) eighteen months ago, I know it's tough. You just have to determine that you cannot be treated like that anymore, and suddenly, new options open up. You call a friend who you didn't think would care and they offer a spare room. You open a new bank account and start being responsible for your own money and realise that you have more than you thought (my partner's ex was spending $2k a month on food and clothes. For a family of three. One of those three being a five year old. It's amazing what you can afford when that cost goes down to $200 a month!).
You will make it out of this. Do NOT move in with your soul mate. Give yourself some time to grieve for the end of your marriage (even abusive marriages take some grieving - more for what you thought your future would be than for what you miss) and let her do the same. Then, after you've both lived independently, figure out if you actually should be together. But that's the last priority.
I also found a church after leaving my marriage. It was one of the things that made my life so much better. YMMV, but community is a good thing, and church is one way to find that.
I wish you well. Memail me if you want someone to talk to who has been where you are. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
posted by guster4lovers at 8:41 PM on February 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation. You wife is controlling, vindictive, and probably abusive. You've found escape in cheating and in a new relationship. You're scared and have few resources to make the changes you need to make. You also seem to not fully believe that her treatment of you is as bad as it is - the description of her as "wonderful" strikes me as you trying to justify staying with her for so long when you've clearly been unhappy for a long time.
I wonder if the comments would be less harsh if the genders were reversed. Men can - and are - abused in relationships, and no one should have to live in a repressive environment.
The advice to go to the initial consult with a few lawyers is a good one. If you can't afford therapy, call around and see if there are any therapists with a sliding scale or through a university clinic or something.
Having been in your shoes, and being with someone now who could have written your question (other than the soul mate part) eighteen months ago, I know it's tough. You just have to determine that you cannot be treated like that anymore, and suddenly, new options open up. You call a friend who you didn't think would care and they offer a spare room. You open a new bank account and start being responsible for your own money and realise that you have more than you thought (my partner's ex was spending $2k a month on food and clothes. For a family of three. One of those three being a five year old. It's amazing what you can afford when that cost goes down to $200 a month!).
You will make it out of this. Do NOT move in with your soul mate. Give yourself some time to grieve for the end of your marriage (even abusive marriages take some grieving - more for what you thought your future would be than for what you miss) and let her do the same. Then, after you've both lived independently, figure out if you actually should be together. But that's the last priority.
I also found a church after leaving my marriage. It was one of the things that made my life so much better. YMMV, but community is a good thing, and church is one way to find that.
I wish you well. Memail me if you want someone to talk to who has been where you are. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
posted by guster4lovers at 8:41 PM on February 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
How vulnerable is she when this ends? Is she home with 5 kids or earning an equal or better amount? I could see someone ignoring or not challenging the signs of an affair -and becoming more controlling when they feel trapped. Or that someone has checked out of the relationship.
posted by childofTethys at 3:07 AM on February 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by childofTethys at 3:07 AM on February 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Relax. If you don't have kids, lots of assets, or a big income disparity, divorce in the US is usually straightforward and doesn't give either spouse the room to ruin the other.
The most important thing to do is >nothing< without legal advice. For example, changing direct deposit is an extremely sensitive thing to do for a man and if done out of the customary order in your jurisdiction can backfire hugely -- like, your wife could be able to get an ex parte temporary spousal support order and garnishment the same day leaving you nothing to live on. Opening up secret credit cards and running up balances -- also needs to be handled in the right local way. Moving out -- big implications for furniture and art (and pets!), home equity and mortgage liability or lease liability.
posted by MattD at 4:42 AM on February 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
The most important thing to do is >nothing< without legal advice. For example, changing direct deposit is an extremely sensitive thing to do for a man and if done out of the customary order in your jurisdiction can backfire hugely -- like, your wife could be able to get an ex parte temporary spousal support order and garnishment the same day leaving you nothing to live on. Opening up secret credit cards and running up balances -- also needs to be handled in the right local way. Moving out -- big implications for furniture and art (and pets!), home equity and mortgage liability or lease liability.
posted by MattD at 4:42 AM on February 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
I don't understand why everyone is recommending therapy. You already said you have no money. Therapy costs a lot of money.
I recommend it because divorce sucks. I've been through it. It almost killed me. Being dead ass broke for years afterwards didn't almost kill me. Get your emotional life in order son.
Your mental health is important, and you can get counseling on a sliding scale.
posted by natteringnabob at 7:03 AM on February 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
I recommend it because divorce sucks. I've been through it. It almost killed me. Being dead ass broke for years afterwards didn't almost kill me. Get your emotional life in order son.
Your mental health is important, and you can get counseling on a sliding scale.
posted by natteringnabob at 7:03 AM on February 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
I don't understand why everyone is recommending therapy. You already said you have no money. Therapy costs a lot of money.
1. The OP didn't say that he didn't have money. He said that he didn't have any money that his wife didn't know about.
2. Some health plans include therapy.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:51 AM on February 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
1. The OP didn't say that he didn't have money. He said that he didn't have any money that his wife didn't know about.
2. Some health plans include therapy.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:51 AM on February 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
I don't understand why everyone is recommending therapy. You already said you have no money. Therapy costs a lot of money.
This isn't established fact at ALL that Therapy Costs a Lot Of Money, but it's a pretty quick way to turn people off to even investigating low cost/sliding scale options.
OP has a lot going on, and therapists really have a way of not only seeing you through the current situation but also down the road to the future - not that every divorce plays out the same way, but people's emotions tend to go down some paths that are familiar to therapists and they can help you manage your way down those paths in a way that friends can't (plus, OP mentioned not having friends). You're going to need that kind of outlet OP, or you'll end up putting everything on your new partner, if you guys stay together.
posted by zutalors! at 7:58 AM on February 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Do you have kids? I didn't see anything about kids here.
As for the rest:
1.) Speak to a lawyer. Initial consultations are often free. Many take credit cards.
2.) Don't you have any friends with a couch you could crash on? Is there any possibility of doing an in-house separation while you and your ex figure out your next living arrangement? This seems more common that not nowadays.
3.) You should probably see a therapist just to make sure you're in the right head space to be making large decisions such as this and to talk you through how you feel.
Other advice:
1.) Try to exercise. It's good for you to have those endorphins going and it will help work out stress.
2.) If you drink, watch your drinking.
I don't understand why everyone is recommending therapy. You already said you have no money. Therapy costs a lot of money.
The OP has made a series of life altering decisions and admitted a history of depression, etc, and stands to make many more if he doesn't go about what he is attempting with a strong sense of who he is and what this failed relationship means going forward.
Without therapy, it's highly likely he's just going to dodder along and repeat the same mistakes he made in his last relationship.
Frankly, looking at yourself and seeking some form of therapy is part of Divorce 101.
Now, do you really want to put a price on making these big life decisions with a clear head?
posted by PsuDab93 at 7:59 AM on February 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
As for the rest:
1.) Speak to a lawyer. Initial consultations are often free. Many take credit cards.
2.) Don't you have any friends with a couch you could crash on? Is there any possibility of doing an in-house separation while you and your ex figure out your next living arrangement? This seems more common that not nowadays.
3.) You should probably see a therapist just to make sure you're in the right head space to be making large decisions such as this and to talk you through how you feel.
Other advice:
1.) Try to exercise. It's good for you to have those endorphins going and it will help work out stress.
2.) If you drink, watch your drinking.
I don't understand why everyone is recommending therapy. You already said you have no money. Therapy costs a lot of money.
The OP has made a series of life altering decisions and admitted a history of depression, etc, and stands to make many more if he doesn't go about what he is attempting with a strong sense of who he is and what this failed relationship means going forward.
Without therapy, it's highly likely he's just going to dodder along and repeat the same mistakes he made in his last relationship.
Frankly, looking at yourself and seeking some form of therapy is part of Divorce 101.
Now, do you really want to put a price on making these big life decisions with a clear head?
posted by PsuDab93 at 7:59 AM on February 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
One more thing about the therapy - when my ex moved out, I ended up with no health insurance, no working vehicle, and about $10 left after expenses each week, no savings whatsoever. I found counseling that I could afford, and my life slowly but surely improved.
It sucked, but both our lives are soooo much better now.
posted by natteringnabob at 8:58 AM on February 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
It sucked, but both our lives are soooo much better now.
posted by natteringnabob at 8:58 AM on February 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Mods removed my comment. No idea why. I guess tough love isn't allowed. OP, please MeMail me if you're interested in my real honest thoughts about your situation.
I do want to add: if you have children, do not treat them like an afterthought and do not assume they will just deal with whatever happens. Divorces fuck kids up because parents didn't care enough about the kids and assumed they would be fine. If you have children, please come back and seek advice on this aspect. You don't mention kids, so I really, really hope you don't have kids with your wife. Otherwise, the fact that they weren't mentioned doesn't bode well so far.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:12 PM on February 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
I do want to add: if you have children, do not treat them like an afterthought and do not assume they will just deal with whatever happens. Divorces fuck kids up because parents didn't care enough about the kids and assumed they would be fine. If you have children, please come back and seek advice on this aspect. You don't mention kids, so I really, really hope you don't have kids with your wife. Otherwise, the fact that they weren't mentioned doesn't bode well so far.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:12 PM on February 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
I don't know, I read this question and I don't see "love has faded", I don't see "person who just needs therapy to sort their shit out", I sure as fuck don't see "couples therapy". I am with guster4lovers. I read it as "terrible abusive relationship, living in fear, finally thinking of escape" to which I say, GREAT, that is amazing, get yourself out and get yourself safe as soon as you can, and focus on therapy and rebuilding your life after the dust settles. I think it is not a coincidence you are socially and financially isolated. Abusers often do this as a means of maintaining control.
I think starting to save money is a good idea (e.g. by small cash withdrawals), getting a credit card is a good idea, seeing a lawyer is a very good idea, as is seeing a therapist, but focus on getting out. Plan a coup. Choose a day to leave, tell work to redirect your paycheck and be far away and safe before your wife has a chance to find out. Safety might be a hostel or a hotel or an emergency shelter, or maybe a short-term sublet. Don't look for resources at home in case she checks your browser history. Hopefully you can secure enough credit to find a place to live for enough time to redirect your paycheck.
I am concerned about your soul mate, though. Because you are vulnerable, very much so, given your history and current situation. Your boundaries have been systematically erased, if they were ever there to begin with. Someone could easily show up in your life and offer what appears to be an escape and the answer to all of your problems in a way that would be nearly impossible to resist. The degree to which you seem to have bought into this and the absoluteness of your conviction is a troubling sign. Real relationships with real people can feel great but they do not have the shine of paradise - they can't, because paradise doesn't exist in the real world, and when you think you have found paradise, you should be even more cautious. I worry that you are setting up this relationship to be more than it is. But I worry even more that she might be doing this. She could be showing you exactly what you want to see, dangling a carrot in front of you, pulling you in, but the whole thing could be a fraud and she might be using you in her own games. If she is truly your soul mate she will be happy to keep her distance while you figure yourself out. If she pushes for greater entanglement that means she is trying to suck you in and you might leap from frying pan to fire. Definitely don't move in with her directly -- that sounds very emotionally dangerous. Protect yourself. You deserve it, after all this time.
The manifestation of an escape vector in this case is a message from inside. It says, help, I want out, but I have no means, every route is cut off. You don't feel you deserve to have a life for yourself and thus you can't break out just for you. With another person involved you can do it for her. This is useful; if this is what it takes, do it. That can be your goal, escaping and being with her. But make it a long-term goal which comes after you are safe and after you have spent time in therapy, like at least a year, so that you are getting together for you, with you being a person in control of your life, rather than just as a means for getting out. As I said, if you are truly soul mates, there need be no rush.
posted by PercussivePaul at 12:27 AM on February 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
I think starting to save money is a good idea (e.g. by small cash withdrawals), getting a credit card is a good idea, seeing a lawyer is a very good idea, as is seeing a therapist, but focus on getting out. Plan a coup. Choose a day to leave, tell work to redirect your paycheck and be far away and safe before your wife has a chance to find out. Safety might be a hostel or a hotel or an emergency shelter, or maybe a short-term sublet. Don't look for resources at home in case she checks your browser history. Hopefully you can secure enough credit to find a place to live for enough time to redirect your paycheck.
I am concerned about your soul mate, though. Because you are vulnerable, very much so, given your history and current situation. Your boundaries have been systematically erased, if they were ever there to begin with. Someone could easily show up in your life and offer what appears to be an escape and the answer to all of your problems in a way that would be nearly impossible to resist. The degree to which you seem to have bought into this and the absoluteness of your conviction is a troubling sign. Real relationships with real people can feel great but they do not have the shine of paradise - they can't, because paradise doesn't exist in the real world, and when you think you have found paradise, you should be even more cautious. I worry that you are setting up this relationship to be more than it is. But I worry even more that she might be doing this. She could be showing you exactly what you want to see, dangling a carrot in front of you, pulling you in, but the whole thing could be a fraud and she might be using you in her own games. If she is truly your soul mate she will be happy to keep her distance while you figure yourself out. If she pushes for greater entanglement that means she is trying to suck you in and you might leap from frying pan to fire. Definitely don't move in with her directly -- that sounds very emotionally dangerous. Protect yourself. You deserve it, after all this time.
The manifestation of an escape vector in this case is a message from inside. It says, help, I want out, but I have no means, every route is cut off. You don't feel you deserve to have a life for yourself and thus you can't break out just for you. With another person involved you can do it for her. This is useful; if this is what it takes, do it. That can be your goal, escaping and being with her. But make it a long-term goal which comes after you are safe and after you have spent time in therapy, like at least a year, so that you are getting together for you, with you being a person in control of your life, rather than just as a means for getting out. As I said, if you are truly soul mates, there need be no rush.
posted by PercussivePaul at 12:27 AM on February 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
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Get a lawyer. If you need to squirrel away money to pay for it, then take the time to do that.
When you have a lawyer, let her/him lead you in the steps to extricating yourself financially.
posted by xingcat at 3:16 PM on February 11, 2015 [48 favorites]