What kind of boundaries to set with my sister?
February 4, 2015 4:39 AM Subscribe
I'm living with my mom and my sister. I am having serious issues with my sister, to the point where I'm not sure I can have a close relationship with her anymore. But we are living together, and I am trying to come up with emotional boundaries I can set so future conflicts with her can be avoided.
My older sister has a number of mental illnesses/disabilities, including bipolar, schizoaffective disorder, and Aspergers. She's been suicidally depressed in the past, but she's been stable and working for a few years now. We're in our late twenties/early thirties. I've always been protective of her, and she's told me in the past that she sees me as a father figure.
I had to move home about a year back. For this past year, I've gotten along with my sister in our day-to-day lives, and I would consider us to be close friends during this time; but every few months she blows up over something, and lashes out verbally in a manner intended to hurt. I can't deal with her episodes anymore, especially considering that she is an adult and I know that she knows right from wrong despite her mental illnesses. A particularly dreadful incident occurred on Christmas Day, which basically ruined the holiday for my mom and I. I'm not sure how many more Christmases I'll get to spend with my mom - plus she has done so much for my sister, and is dealing with some serious medical issues and doesn't deserve this - so I am very bitter towards my sister. I was really looking forward to having a nice Christmas with my mom. My sister tends to be very selfish and hurtful when she is in one of her "moods" and doesn't care a whit about the feelings of whoever she is lashing out at.
I've always cut her some slack since I know she's been through a lot (bullying, mental illness, etc.), but after what happened on Christmas I'm not sure whether or not I can keep up the close relationship I had with my sister in the past. She had NO excuse for the way she treated us. During her blow-ups, I am unable to say anything back to her for fear of provoking her further (I've worried about her becoming violent, although it hasn't happened).
I considered cutting her off completely, but I'm not sure if my conscience would allow me to do so; she has few friends, and I'm one of the most stable figures in her life. Plus, I'm currently living with her, and being cold towards her would be stressful for both of us.
Similar incidents have happened in the past; they usually occur every 3-6 months or so, and often occur on holidays/birthdays for some reason. and I told her point-blank when I went to her therapist with her that I was worried I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with her if her anger issues continued. We even came up with a code word for her to use in case was getting upset, which she didn't use on Christmas. An emotional bond tying us together has certainly been cut and I'm not sure we can return to the relationship we once had. I do think she realizes that I'm not as close to her as before, and she often tries to bridge the gap with me. But I just still feel too angry at her to handle her well, and I can't help but be moody/sullen in my responses. I guess I fear growing close again then being betrayed again. I just don't want to put in the effort anymore.
Also... I thrive on resolution, but I'm often unable to get it with her which stresses me out. I've found through trial and error that trying to talk with my sister about what happened just makes things worse unless it is at a far later point in time. My sister prefers to pretend that whatever she did didn't happen if I try to bring it up ("Oh, I don't even remember that!") She particularly hates talking about matters in which she is in the wrong. The thing is, she does remember, she just isn't emotionally able to deal with talking about it until a while down the road.
We've both encouraged my sister to move out of the house, and she said she wants to, but my mom's house is quite comfortable and I'm afraid my sister will never leave until something happens to my mom. My mom takes care of a lot for her, including her bills, and most meals. My mom refuses to force her to move out of the house, although I've pled with her to push my sister to learn some life skills; my sister desperately needs to move out and become independent to develop some life skills, or else I fear she'll always remain this way and will need a group home when my mother passes. She's not stupid, but I don't know if she's the kind of person that could keep afloat if suddenly pushed into the deep end of the pool ie. life away from being taken care of by her mom. She said during our therapy session that she often wants to be taken care of like a child, and this makes sense since her outbursts are similar to the tantrums a kid might throw.
Although I worry about what will happen to my sister when my mom is gone, I've given up on trying to change either of them. Like my therapist says, "You can't change others if they don't want to change, so work on changing yourself instead."
So I don't think I'm going to get resolution between us, and so I need to figure out a way to deal with her in a manner that doesn't make my living environment totally miserable to be in, for the sake of my mental health. Some things I've thought of so far include:
1. Not doing birthdays/holidays together as a family like as we used to. For example, for my birthday I had a nice dinner with my mom while my sister was working, when we usually would have gone out the three of us. (My sister didn't pick up on the fact that I am doing this to distance myself from her). She usually behaves herself during holidays spent with the extended family, so I can handle going to those with her.
2. Moving out of the house. I think this is my #1 priority, and I'm working on it but it's still at least a few months off.
3. Being friendly with her, but emotionally thinking of her as more of an acquaintance than a sister. I find that her episodes occur when we are close, and I make an offhand remark that she takes poorly. (She has extremely low self-esteem, and takes comments other people wouldn't bat an eye at as personal insults. I can never predict what will set her off. She's acknowledged during therapy that she realizes after the fact that she overreacts and takes things the wrong way frequently, and said she would work on it)
Ugh. I could say more but I think this is enough. How else could I manage this situation? How do I deal with my sister while I'm living with her, without cutting her off completely? In case you had to deal with something similar or have more questions as to the situation, I set up a throwaway email at: xlkach@tryalert.com
Thanks. This is causing me an undue amount of stress.
My older sister has a number of mental illnesses/disabilities, including bipolar, schizoaffective disorder, and Aspergers. She's been suicidally depressed in the past, but she's been stable and working for a few years now. We're in our late twenties/early thirties. I've always been protective of her, and she's told me in the past that she sees me as a father figure.
I had to move home about a year back. For this past year, I've gotten along with my sister in our day-to-day lives, and I would consider us to be close friends during this time; but every few months she blows up over something, and lashes out verbally in a manner intended to hurt. I can't deal with her episodes anymore, especially considering that she is an adult and I know that she knows right from wrong despite her mental illnesses. A particularly dreadful incident occurred on Christmas Day, which basically ruined the holiday for my mom and I. I'm not sure how many more Christmases I'll get to spend with my mom - plus she has done so much for my sister, and is dealing with some serious medical issues and doesn't deserve this - so I am very bitter towards my sister. I was really looking forward to having a nice Christmas with my mom. My sister tends to be very selfish and hurtful when she is in one of her "moods" and doesn't care a whit about the feelings of whoever she is lashing out at.
I've always cut her some slack since I know she's been through a lot (bullying, mental illness, etc.), but after what happened on Christmas I'm not sure whether or not I can keep up the close relationship I had with my sister in the past. She had NO excuse for the way she treated us. During her blow-ups, I am unable to say anything back to her for fear of provoking her further (I've worried about her becoming violent, although it hasn't happened).
I considered cutting her off completely, but I'm not sure if my conscience would allow me to do so; she has few friends, and I'm one of the most stable figures in her life. Plus, I'm currently living with her, and being cold towards her would be stressful for both of us.
Similar incidents have happened in the past; they usually occur every 3-6 months or so, and often occur on holidays/birthdays for some reason. and I told her point-blank when I went to her therapist with her that I was worried I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with her if her anger issues continued. We even came up with a code word for her to use in case was getting upset, which she didn't use on Christmas. An emotional bond tying us together has certainly been cut and I'm not sure we can return to the relationship we once had. I do think she realizes that I'm not as close to her as before, and she often tries to bridge the gap with me. But I just still feel too angry at her to handle her well, and I can't help but be moody/sullen in my responses. I guess I fear growing close again then being betrayed again. I just don't want to put in the effort anymore.
Also... I thrive on resolution, but I'm often unable to get it with her which stresses me out. I've found through trial and error that trying to talk with my sister about what happened just makes things worse unless it is at a far later point in time. My sister prefers to pretend that whatever she did didn't happen if I try to bring it up ("Oh, I don't even remember that!") She particularly hates talking about matters in which she is in the wrong. The thing is, she does remember, she just isn't emotionally able to deal with talking about it until a while down the road.
We've both encouraged my sister to move out of the house, and she said she wants to, but my mom's house is quite comfortable and I'm afraid my sister will never leave until something happens to my mom. My mom takes care of a lot for her, including her bills, and most meals. My mom refuses to force her to move out of the house, although I've pled with her to push my sister to learn some life skills; my sister desperately needs to move out and become independent to develop some life skills, or else I fear she'll always remain this way and will need a group home when my mother passes. She's not stupid, but I don't know if she's the kind of person that could keep afloat if suddenly pushed into the deep end of the pool ie. life away from being taken care of by her mom. She said during our therapy session that she often wants to be taken care of like a child, and this makes sense since her outbursts are similar to the tantrums a kid might throw.
Although I worry about what will happen to my sister when my mom is gone, I've given up on trying to change either of them. Like my therapist says, "You can't change others if they don't want to change, so work on changing yourself instead."
So I don't think I'm going to get resolution between us, and so I need to figure out a way to deal with her in a manner that doesn't make my living environment totally miserable to be in, for the sake of my mental health. Some things I've thought of so far include:
1. Not doing birthdays/holidays together as a family like as we used to. For example, for my birthday I had a nice dinner with my mom while my sister was working, when we usually would have gone out the three of us. (My sister didn't pick up on the fact that I am doing this to distance myself from her). She usually behaves herself during holidays spent with the extended family, so I can handle going to those with her.
2. Moving out of the house. I think this is my #1 priority, and I'm working on it but it's still at least a few months off.
3. Being friendly with her, but emotionally thinking of her as more of an acquaintance than a sister. I find that her episodes occur when we are close, and I make an offhand remark that she takes poorly. (She has extremely low self-esteem, and takes comments other people wouldn't bat an eye at as personal insults. I can never predict what will set her off. She's acknowledged during therapy that she realizes after the fact that she overreacts and takes things the wrong way frequently, and said she would work on it)
Ugh. I could say more but I think this is enough. How else could I manage this situation? How do I deal with my sister while I'm living with her, without cutting her off completely? In case you had to deal with something similar or have more questions as to the situation, I set up a throwaway email at: xlkach@tryalert.com
Thanks. This is causing me an undue amount of stress.
Bipolar people ruin every Christmas. That is the exact nature of being bipolar: find a stressful event with lots of excitement and lack of sleep and a crowded house and divert all the attention and convert it into drama and moments of Huge Upsetting Emotion for what everyone knows is literally no reason.
You've got this thing backwards. The whole point of boundaries isn't for her. You're not going to teach her "how to behave." Never gonna happen. But your sister doesn't get the pleasure of your company if she hurts you, because you don't want to be hurt. Setting boundaries is for you.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:31 AM on February 4, 2015 [19 favorites]
You've got this thing backwards. The whole point of boundaries isn't for her. You're not going to teach her "how to behave." Never gonna happen. But your sister doesn't get the pleasure of your company if she hurts you, because you don't want to be hurt. Setting boundaries is for you.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:31 AM on February 4, 2015 [19 favorites]
RJ Reynolds is right that boundaries are for you and not the person who refuses to behave like an adult.
But to bash all bipolar people isn't cool. I have known many bipolar people who are mature and kind and manage their disease just fine.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 5:40 AM on February 4, 2015 [10 favorites]
But to bash all bipolar people isn't cool. I have known many bipolar people who are mature and kind and manage their disease just fine.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 5:40 AM on February 4, 2015 [10 favorites]
they usually occur every 3-6 months or so, and often occur on holidays/birthdays for some reason
For some reason? They're highly emotional and triggering events, which can be overwhelming for someone who doesn't have any mental illnesses. For someone whose coping skills are patchy, they're hell.
Your boundaries are for you. Set them and stick to them. it's interesting that you talk about her moving and your mother moving but not you moving. Start saving.
That is the exact nature of being bipolar: find a stressful event with lots of excitement and lack of sleep and a crowded house and divert all the attention and convert it into drama and moments of Huge Upsetting Emotion for what everyone knows is literally no reason.
That is the most uncharitable reading of bipolar I think I've ever read. OP, please ignore this, because it's simply not true. People with bipolar have severe mood fluctuations, they don't seek to manufacture drama and ruin things for everyone else. That is a separate personality problem that may or may not map onto certain personality disorders.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:44 AM on February 4, 2015 [18 favorites]
For some reason? They're highly emotional and triggering events, which can be overwhelming for someone who doesn't have any mental illnesses. For someone whose coping skills are patchy, they're hell.
Your boundaries are for you. Set them and stick to them. it's interesting that you talk about her moving and your mother moving but not you moving. Start saving.
That is the exact nature of being bipolar: find a stressful event with lots of excitement and lack of sleep and a crowded house and divert all the attention and convert it into drama and moments of Huge Upsetting Emotion for what everyone knows is literally no reason.
That is the most uncharitable reading of bipolar I think I've ever read. OP, please ignore this, because it's simply not true. People with bipolar have severe mood fluctuations, they don't seek to manufacture drama and ruin things for everyone else. That is a separate personality problem that may or may not map onto certain personality disorders.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:44 AM on February 4, 2015 [18 favorites]
Yes, follow your therapist's advice - change what you can.
Do you need to live in the same house as your sister?
(I do find it ironic that you are chastising your sister for living at home, when you are too.)
Your mother has serious health issues. Are you caring for her? If staying in the house is a long term situation for this reason, you need more help to maintain your own peacefulness.
You should take precautions and excuse yourself from well known flare up instigators like birthdays and holidays. Make other plans, or limit your exposure. Think what you need and follow through.
Therapy will hopefully get you more in touch with the rage you're feeling, and help you explore the myriad of ways your sister's current behaviour has bounced throughout your life thus far. It's all right to have special days that don't involve upset and distress caused by others, and have them without feeling rage or guilt.
posted by honey-barbara at 5:48 AM on February 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
Do you need to live in the same house as your sister?
(I do find it ironic that you are chastising your sister for living at home, when you are too.)
Your mother has serious health issues. Are you caring for her? If staying in the house is a long term situation for this reason, you need more help to maintain your own peacefulness.
You should take precautions and excuse yourself from well known flare up instigators like birthdays and holidays. Make other plans, or limit your exposure. Think what you need and follow through.
Therapy will hopefully get you more in touch with the rage you're feeling, and help you explore the myriad of ways your sister's current behaviour has bounced throughout your life thus far. It's all right to have special days that don't involve upset and distress caused by others, and have them without feeling rage or guilt.
posted by honey-barbara at 5:48 AM on February 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
It is a drag to have a seriously mentally ill person in the family. As much as you'd like to believe that they can control their anger, or that they know right from wrong, it's just not true.
If your sister had a gaping wound and she started bleeding, you might resent the fact that she had ruined the white carpets, but you wouldn't think that she could control the bleeding. It's the same thing.
So, what do you do?
I find that YOU must manage how you react to these things. If she starts lashing out, tell her, "You are saying very hurtful things and I won't listen." Then you leave the room.
If you want to tell her how hurt you are feel free to do so. "Sis, I know I'm being cold to you. I'm really, really hurt by what you said at Christmas. I love you and I hope to get past it. It would mean a lot to me if you would apologize." Clearly, you'd want to do this when things are calm, not when she's agitated or upset.
You say your sister needs to be independent. It entirely depends on her ability to manage her illness as to whether this is actually something that is achievable. It may be that your sister may need to have a conservator for her entire life. Your mother is doing that right now and all things being equal, doing an okay job. But there may come a time when your sister may need to go into a different living situation, and to have someone help her with her money. Some folks, when they cycle manic, go on wild spending sprees.
Is your sister getting regular medical and psychological assessments? That should be happening.
This is not an easy row to hoe, not for the family and not for the person who is ill. I'm hoping that you achieve some understanding and some compassion for your sister. She may not mean what she says when she's angry. Imagine how frustrating it must be to have a brain that doesn't work well at regulating emotions.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:51 AM on February 4, 2015 [10 favorites]
If your sister had a gaping wound and she started bleeding, you might resent the fact that she had ruined the white carpets, but you wouldn't think that she could control the bleeding. It's the same thing.
So, what do you do?
I find that YOU must manage how you react to these things. If she starts lashing out, tell her, "You are saying very hurtful things and I won't listen." Then you leave the room.
If you want to tell her how hurt you are feel free to do so. "Sis, I know I'm being cold to you. I'm really, really hurt by what you said at Christmas. I love you and I hope to get past it. It would mean a lot to me if you would apologize." Clearly, you'd want to do this when things are calm, not when she's agitated or upset.
You say your sister needs to be independent. It entirely depends on her ability to manage her illness as to whether this is actually something that is achievable. It may be that your sister may need to have a conservator for her entire life. Your mother is doing that right now and all things being equal, doing an okay job. But there may come a time when your sister may need to go into a different living situation, and to have someone help her with her money. Some folks, when they cycle manic, go on wild spending sprees.
Is your sister getting regular medical and psychological assessments? That should be happening.
This is not an easy row to hoe, not for the family and not for the person who is ill. I'm hoping that you achieve some understanding and some compassion for your sister. She may not mean what she says when she's angry. Imagine how frustrating it must be to have a brain that doesn't work well at regulating emotions.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:51 AM on February 4, 2015 [10 favorites]
1, 2, and 3 are all good moves.
Resolution isn't going to happen because of any decisions you make. People with bipolar who do not prioritize treating their condition will make your life difficult and condition you to constantly figure out how to tiptoe around their outbursts. The only people they have left in their lives are the people like you who are convinced they can figure out how to maintain a good relationship with them if they only unlock the "key" to avoiding an outburst. And the truth is you can't until they get treatment and find someone to ensure they stay treated.
You need to give up on a fantasy of having a close family relationship your sister where you do family things together. Holidays are probably unavoidable, but you need to cultivate a social life of your own where you go out with friends and don't involve your sister. That means avoid "family vacations", particularly where you share living spaces or depend on your sister to follow a set schedule.
As everyone says, the boundaries are for your benefit. Your sister won't change until she finds a reason to. Mourn the fact that you won't have the sisterly relationship you fantasized about, move out of the house, and cultivate relationships outside the house.
posted by bright colored sock puppet at 6:28 AM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Resolution isn't going to happen because of any decisions you make. People with bipolar who do not prioritize treating their condition will make your life difficult and condition you to constantly figure out how to tiptoe around their outbursts. The only people they have left in their lives are the people like you who are convinced they can figure out how to maintain a good relationship with them if they only unlock the "key" to avoiding an outburst. And the truth is you can't until they get treatment and find someone to ensure they stay treated.
You need to give up on a fantasy of having a close family relationship your sister where you do family things together. Holidays are probably unavoidable, but you need to cultivate a social life of your own where you go out with friends and don't involve your sister. That means avoid "family vacations", particularly where you share living spaces or depend on your sister to follow a set schedule.
As everyone says, the boundaries are for your benefit. Your sister won't change until she finds a reason to. Mourn the fact that you won't have the sisterly relationship you fantasized about, move out of the house, and cultivate relationships outside the house.
posted by bright colored sock puppet at 6:28 AM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
"You need to do X" = command, not boundary-setting
"When you do X, I will leave the room" = boundary-setting
"You've done X and now you've ruined everything and you're awful!" = making things worse
"You've done X and so I'm going to head out for a few hours to calm down" = maintaining boundaries
Setting and maintaining boundaries are about deciding what you are going to do when you're upset or triggered, and then following through in a non-accusatory way. It's a way of taking responsibility for your own emotional equilibrium in a way that empowers you to act rather than react; setting and maintaining boundaries lets you have a relationship that can fluctuate in shades of gray rather than getting stuck in black-or-white "close"-or-"cut off" thinking.
posted by jaguar at 6:46 AM on February 4, 2015 [12 favorites]
"When you do X, I will leave the room" = boundary-setting
"You've done X and now you've ruined everything and you're awful!" = making things worse
"You've done X and so I'm going to head out for a few hours to calm down" = maintaining boundaries
Setting and maintaining boundaries are about deciding what you are going to do when you're upset or triggered, and then following through in a non-accusatory way. It's a way of taking responsibility for your own emotional equilibrium in a way that empowers you to act rather than react; setting and maintaining boundaries lets you have a relationship that can fluctuate in shades of gray rather than getting stuck in black-or-white "close"-or-"cut off" thinking.
posted by jaguar at 6:46 AM on February 4, 2015 [12 favorites]
Look for a local chapter of NAMI -- the National Alliance on Mental Illness for support (for you).
You've got a handle on the fact that she is struggling with a number of diagnoses, but you've got some outsized expectations for her intelligence to override her emotional tsunamis. She can't apply your logic to her life (and in some cases, your logic, while it looks good on paper, is flawed.)
When you brought up the idea of having a code word for when she's upset, I thought you meant it was a code word for YOU to employ when she's getting upset and you want to signal to her that YOU have some needs about how to proceed (doesn't matter, it won't work, when she's in a tsunami of emotion, she's not going to have the bandwidth to worry about your needs, she's going to think you're using your code word as a weapon against her.)
Reach out to NAMI - there are people there who know exactly what you're going through and exactly how unfair and painful it is who will offer some strategies and hope. They won't offer answers for how to change your sister - but they will present you with a lot more options for steps you can take to to feel better in your situation.
posted by vitabellosi at 6:57 AM on February 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
You've got a handle on the fact that she is struggling with a number of diagnoses, but you've got some outsized expectations for her intelligence to override her emotional tsunamis. She can't apply your logic to her life (and in some cases, your logic, while it looks good on paper, is flawed.)
When you brought up the idea of having a code word for when she's upset, I thought you meant it was a code word for YOU to employ when she's getting upset and you want to signal to her that YOU have some needs about how to proceed (doesn't matter, it won't work, when she's in a tsunami of emotion, she's not going to have the bandwidth to worry about your needs, she's going to think you're using your code word as a weapon against her.)
Reach out to NAMI - there are people there who know exactly what you're going through and exactly how unfair and painful it is who will offer some strategies and hope. They won't offer answers for how to change your sister - but they will present you with a lot more options for steps you can take to to feel better in your situation.
posted by vitabellosi at 6:57 AM on February 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
Boundaries are not something you set for her, they are something you set for yourself. If she does x behaviour then I will do y (where y is something constructive & that doesn't' escalate the situation). Explaining to her the boundaries and setting "rules" in place will most likely make things worse not better because then it comes across as you trying to control her behaviour. You can't change someone elses behaviour, only your reaction to it.
You need to focus on moving out, seriously that is your best answer, trite though it sounds, most of these problems will become none problems when you have your own space & you are not continually mixing sibling dynamics and the dramas there of with mental illness. I say this as someone that just survived 18 months of nightmare with a mentally ill & drug addicted brother and had moved to another country to try & escape it but it followed her. Distance helps.
Your sister staying in the house is another problem, and one if you are having boundary issues & feeling overloaded as it is, is not one you should be taking on now. That is a matter between your mother & your sister, when you move out in a few months & finally get some space on the matter, if they ask for your help with that, then you get involved. Right now you are having enough problems keeping distance and involvement in her issues from being too much why add stress to an already stressfilled plate.
It's OK to not feel close to a sibling. You have the permission of a stranger on the internet to keep her at arms length if that's what it takes for you to feel healthy emotionally, I wish I had done it sooner with my brother. Also, I'll let you in on a little secret, all these perfect family holidays you seem to be wanting, don't exist unless you are a kid and oblivious to what is going on around you. Why do you think they are such a cliche & there are so many movies etc about how horribly & dramatically wrong they go? Stop building them up into such a big thing in your head & accept them for what they are, and you'll be less hurt when things go wrong.
posted by wwax at 8:19 AM on February 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
You need to focus on moving out, seriously that is your best answer, trite though it sounds, most of these problems will become none problems when you have your own space & you are not continually mixing sibling dynamics and the dramas there of with mental illness. I say this as someone that just survived 18 months of nightmare with a mentally ill & drug addicted brother and had moved to another country to try & escape it but it followed her. Distance helps.
Your sister staying in the house is another problem, and one if you are having boundary issues & feeling overloaded as it is, is not one you should be taking on now. That is a matter between your mother & your sister, when you move out in a few months & finally get some space on the matter, if they ask for your help with that, then you get involved. Right now you are having enough problems keeping distance and involvement in her issues from being too much why add stress to an already stressfilled plate.
It's OK to not feel close to a sibling. You have the permission of a stranger on the internet to keep her at arms length if that's what it takes for you to feel healthy emotionally, I wish I had done it sooner with my brother. Also, I'll let you in on a little secret, all these perfect family holidays you seem to be wanting, don't exist unless you are a kid and oblivious to what is going on around you. Why do you think they are such a cliche & there are so many movies etc about how horribly & dramatically wrong they go? Stop building them up into such a big thing in your head & accept them for what they are, and you'll be less hurt when things go wrong.
posted by wwax at 8:19 AM on February 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
You don't get to be the one to decide that your sister is capable of independence. Lots of people with severe mental health problems can present as basically okay but would be a disaster if living alone, and in particular some people with poorly-managed bipolar are just flat out not capable of the necessary impulse control to manage jobs and finances. This isn't a slur on bipolar people--lots of bipolar people are able to do great with various management techniques--but just a reality that not everybody with a given mental illness is going to be able to fix it just by taking their meds and Trying Harder.
You don't get to just say that you think she's capable of living on her own because it would make your life more convenient, and there's a lot of that here. Like--bipolar people often have trouble with recall, a friend of mine complains that during her bad periods her brain doesn't write anything down. You can't just assume that of course she remembers stuff because you remember it. Her brain doesn't work like yours. You're not disabled. She is. Take care of you, draw your own boundaries, control your own behavior and make your own choices. There may come a day when she's able to actually manage her conditions well and things will get better, or maybe there won't, but you can't make your happiness resolve around her wellness. Go do your own thing.
posted by Sequence at 10:13 AM on February 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
You don't get to just say that you think she's capable of living on her own because it would make your life more convenient, and there's a lot of that here. Like--bipolar people often have trouble with recall, a friend of mine complains that during her bad periods her brain doesn't write anything down. You can't just assume that of course she remembers stuff because you remember it. Her brain doesn't work like yours. You're not disabled. She is. Take care of you, draw your own boundaries, control your own behavior and make your own choices. There may come a day when she's able to actually manage her conditions well and things will get better, or maybe there won't, but you can't make your happiness resolve around her wellness. Go do your own thing.
posted by Sequence at 10:13 AM on February 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
Friend, you are the abled person in this situation and it is up to you to set the tone of your relationship with your sister. State your boundaries calmly and resolutely and then walk away from the situation if your boundary is smashed. Repeat as necessary. Because frankly? You moved into your mother and sister's living situation. That might be stressful for them as well. Your needs are not the most important needs here. And, no, it is not a given that your sister is capable of living independently. You, on the other hand....
Most mentally ill people have a shitty time at the holidays because of the same reasons people without mental disease have a shitty time at the holidays. High expectations, low rate of return on emotional investment. The difference is, when under stress, your brain has the option to say, "Hmmm. Maybe I'll just pour myself an Irish coffee and sit by the front window while Tracy throws a shit fit", while Tracy's brain says, "I'm under attack and I must rage in defense of my sanity", or "I am a burden on everyone, my life is not worth living and I am going to kill myself."
Now. Does your sister get a free pass? Absolutely not. But - and this is what's hard to accept, I realize - the way that you set a boundary with her is no different than the way you set boundaries with anyone. And, in fact, she is entitled to more empathy and understanding than somebody who's just a garden-variety jerk. Her brain revolts against her and causes her to lash out under stress; there will be times she literally cannot control herself. In such moments, you get to do something like this - say, firmly, "I won't allow you to attack me. I'm going in the bedroom until you are calm." Or, "Your behavior and tone of voice are scaring me. Either you leave the room or I will." And then follow through. Focus more on the behavior that freaks you out or pisses you off rather than your sister's character. Again, she drew the short straw here. It's just a fact.
If you are allowing your mother to be put in the middle between her one mentally ill child and her mentally able child, stop doing that. You don't have to save your mom or sister, but you do have to embrace that you don't have the same crippling issues that your sister has, and you have the ability to choose to be the bigger person most of the time.
You also are not entitled to more of your mother than your sister. Again, I am sorry this is the case, but your mother is in the awful position of seeing a future for her mentally ill, Asperger's child without her in it. As a parent, and as a person with a parent who was forced to watch this very reality unfold in front of her, I can tell you this might even trump fear of one's child dying in the pantheon of horrible, heartrending, almost unbearable things.
You have a therapist. You have a safe place to throw all this shit around and feel your feelings about it, and learn ways to walk into your living situation with intact armor and appropriate coping skills. But I suspect you may not be implementing them as you should, perhaps because you are living with your mother and might have the expectation that your mother will mother you and handle your sister for you, and that your sister will just get her act together and start acting not crazy. Well, I'm sure I don't need to tell you that thinking this way isn't doing you any favors. Start treating this like a temporary roommate situation, set the same boundaries with your mother and sister that you would a roommate, and make a plan to get back out on your own ASAP.
If you're anything like me, you're petrified of what's going to happen once your mother is gone and the care and feeding of your sister falls to you. Well, no time like the present to investigate what provision can be made for her care. Look that issue in the face now and stop fomenting an antagonistic relationship with your sister so that you don't have to face your fear of what will happen to her when your mother is gone. Believe me when I say I understand that fear all too well. Believe me, too, when I say that the only way to cope with that fear is to start putting together a plan now, while your mom is alive and while you are all still able to talk about what the future can look like. Is there a house you can sell? Is there savings? Does your sister have a treatment team? Is a group home an option? What about long term disability? Medicaid? Does your mother have a will set up? Can you talk to a family planning attorney? Is there an assisted living situation your sister might qualify for, like Thresholds (I'm having trouble linking, sorry) in Chicago? Start viewing that as a solvable problem, and something you can all work together to handle. It will give you something to do rather than focusing on how shitty all of this feels.
Finally. I walked this road in my own family. It is brutal and hard. But there is still beauty in your sister, your mother is still here, and you have the chance to grasp onto those things right now. The reality is, you still have a family. Mine the good out of it while you still have the chance, protect yourself emotionally, and - I say this with love - get out of your mom's house already.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 11:27 AM on February 4, 2015 [14 favorites]
Most mentally ill people have a shitty time at the holidays because of the same reasons people without mental disease have a shitty time at the holidays. High expectations, low rate of return on emotional investment. The difference is, when under stress, your brain has the option to say, "Hmmm. Maybe I'll just pour myself an Irish coffee and sit by the front window while Tracy throws a shit fit", while Tracy's brain says, "I'm under attack and I must rage in defense of my sanity", or "I am a burden on everyone, my life is not worth living and I am going to kill myself."
Now. Does your sister get a free pass? Absolutely not. But - and this is what's hard to accept, I realize - the way that you set a boundary with her is no different than the way you set boundaries with anyone. And, in fact, she is entitled to more empathy and understanding than somebody who's just a garden-variety jerk. Her brain revolts against her and causes her to lash out under stress; there will be times she literally cannot control herself. In such moments, you get to do something like this - say, firmly, "I won't allow you to attack me. I'm going in the bedroom until you are calm." Or, "Your behavior and tone of voice are scaring me. Either you leave the room or I will." And then follow through. Focus more on the behavior that freaks you out or pisses you off rather than your sister's character. Again, she drew the short straw here. It's just a fact.
If you are allowing your mother to be put in the middle between her one mentally ill child and her mentally able child, stop doing that. You don't have to save your mom or sister, but you do have to embrace that you don't have the same crippling issues that your sister has, and you have the ability to choose to be the bigger person most of the time.
You also are not entitled to more of your mother than your sister. Again, I am sorry this is the case, but your mother is in the awful position of seeing a future for her mentally ill, Asperger's child without her in it. As a parent, and as a person with a parent who was forced to watch this very reality unfold in front of her, I can tell you this might even trump fear of one's child dying in the pantheon of horrible, heartrending, almost unbearable things.
You have a therapist. You have a safe place to throw all this shit around and feel your feelings about it, and learn ways to walk into your living situation with intact armor and appropriate coping skills. But I suspect you may not be implementing them as you should, perhaps because you are living with your mother and might have the expectation that your mother will mother you and handle your sister for you, and that your sister will just get her act together and start acting not crazy. Well, I'm sure I don't need to tell you that thinking this way isn't doing you any favors. Start treating this like a temporary roommate situation, set the same boundaries with your mother and sister that you would a roommate, and make a plan to get back out on your own ASAP.
If you're anything like me, you're petrified of what's going to happen once your mother is gone and the care and feeding of your sister falls to you. Well, no time like the present to investigate what provision can be made for her care. Look that issue in the face now and stop fomenting an antagonistic relationship with your sister so that you don't have to face your fear of what will happen to her when your mother is gone. Believe me when I say I understand that fear all too well. Believe me, too, when I say that the only way to cope with that fear is to start putting together a plan now, while your mom is alive and while you are all still able to talk about what the future can look like. Is there a house you can sell? Is there savings? Does your sister have a treatment team? Is a group home an option? What about long term disability? Medicaid? Does your mother have a will set up? Can you talk to a family planning attorney? Is there an assisted living situation your sister might qualify for, like Thresholds (I'm having trouble linking, sorry) in Chicago? Start viewing that as a solvable problem, and something you can all work together to handle. It will give you something to do rather than focusing on how shitty all of this feels.
Finally. I walked this road in my own family. It is brutal and hard. But there is still beauty in your sister, your mother is still here, and you have the chance to grasp onto those things right now. The reality is, you still have a family. Mine the good out of it while you still have the chance, protect yourself emotionally, and - I say this with love - get out of your mom's house already.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 11:27 AM on February 4, 2015 [14 favorites]
I think that getting out of the house should be your main priority right now. A massive amount of pressure will vanish when you're not in the middle of the maelstrom.
There comes a point at which you fully internalise that putting your hand into a fire repeatedly will get yourself burned, and you decide to stop putting your hand into that fire. The fire can't help but burn you - that's the nature of fire, to burn. But you can decide to keep your fingers out of it, and for your own sake, you need to do that.
Re #1, if it works for you, it works for you. You get to have a pleasant time with your mom, which is a completely OK thing to want. There's nothing wrong with setting a boundary about this. It sounds like she might actually be capable of handling herself during a meal with just the three of you, given that she can handle herself during large family gatherings, which means that perhaps you could consider letting her join in. But if for some reason you + mom + her eating a meal together is going to cause a problem, then it's OK for just you and your mom to get together. You don't have to put up with someone trying to hurt you just because you're family.
Re #2, as I said, this is a main priority.
Re #3, there's a great deal of pushback against the idea that families aren't always close. But families are a roll of the genetic dice and you get no say in what numbers come up. Sometimes, you just aren't compatible with your family of origin. There's often a lot of familiarity with people, but that's not the same as compatibility. If emotional distance helps, then it helps. If you don't know what is going to upset her, then it's a kindness to engage in behaviours that won't upset her such as having a more formal, reserved relationship. I've had to withdraw from a relative who I often find myself at crossed-purposes with. They've commented on the fact that we're not close, but I'd rather be "not close" than "at each other's throats". I know it bothers them, but there are only so many times one can go to the battlements before thinking "enough is enough".
You can't control her illness. What you can do is decide what you're going to do and how you're going to handle things on your side of the fence. Make this less about her and her illness, and more about you and your decisions. You can control the latter. Decide what you're going to do, such as engaging less, creating more distance, building up your own life outside of the house, etc. Then start doing those things. You have to look out for yourself and your own needs. That's the job of an adult. You're never a bad person for setting a boundary. If someone doesn't know what your boundaries are, then they can't abide by them. It's always OK to decide that you can't handle [a given situation] and leave.
One thing I would add, that doesn't directly address your question, is that I think you should have a conversation with your mother about what will happen if your mother becomes unable to care for your sister at some point. It's best to decide now, before you need to, what the contingency plan is. If you're not comfortable with the idea of your sister's care falling to you, you need to sort things out.
posted by Solomon at 12:32 PM on February 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
There comes a point at which you fully internalise that putting your hand into a fire repeatedly will get yourself burned, and you decide to stop putting your hand into that fire. The fire can't help but burn you - that's the nature of fire, to burn. But you can decide to keep your fingers out of it, and for your own sake, you need to do that.
Re #1, if it works for you, it works for you. You get to have a pleasant time with your mom, which is a completely OK thing to want. There's nothing wrong with setting a boundary about this. It sounds like she might actually be capable of handling herself during a meal with just the three of you, given that she can handle herself during large family gatherings, which means that perhaps you could consider letting her join in. But if for some reason you + mom + her eating a meal together is going to cause a problem, then it's OK for just you and your mom to get together. You don't have to put up with someone trying to hurt you just because you're family.
Re #2, as I said, this is a main priority.
Re #3, there's a great deal of pushback against the idea that families aren't always close. But families are a roll of the genetic dice and you get no say in what numbers come up. Sometimes, you just aren't compatible with your family of origin. There's often a lot of familiarity with people, but that's not the same as compatibility. If emotional distance helps, then it helps. If you don't know what is going to upset her, then it's a kindness to engage in behaviours that won't upset her such as having a more formal, reserved relationship. I've had to withdraw from a relative who I often find myself at crossed-purposes with. They've commented on the fact that we're not close, but I'd rather be "not close" than "at each other's throats". I know it bothers them, but there are only so many times one can go to the battlements before thinking "enough is enough".
You can't control her illness. What you can do is decide what you're going to do and how you're going to handle things on your side of the fence. Make this less about her and her illness, and more about you and your decisions. You can control the latter. Decide what you're going to do, such as engaging less, creating more distance, building up your own life outside of the house, etc. Then start doing those things. You have to look out for yourself and your own needs. That's the job of an adult. You're never a bad person for setting a boundary. If someone doesn't know what your boundaries are, then they can't abide by them. It's always OK to decide that you can't handle [a given situation] and leave.
One thing I would add, that doesn't directly address your question, is that I think you should have a conversation with your mother about what will happen if your mother becomes unable to care for your sister at some point. It's best to decide now, before you need to, what the contingency plan is. If you're not comfortable with the idea of your sister's care falling to you, you need to sort things out.
posted by Solomon at 12:32 PM on February 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Listen to your therapist. Change what you can. Change you. Stop expecting your sister to behave how you think she should behave. Your expectation should be that your sister is mentally unstable and with that comes outbursts. This is how your sister is. Internalize that. Let it roll off your back and keep on trucking. It'll make the next few months much more bearable.
As for the parts of your mom and sister living together: you can't change this. Nothing you can do or say to your Mom will make her change her mind.
posted by royalsong at 4:58 AM on February 4, 2015 [4 favorites]