Should I tell her what her father did?
February 2, 2015 12:33 PM Subscribe
I've just been contacted by a woman who used to be my stepsister. We used to get along, so I might enjoy catching up. Unfortunately, there are... complications.
After divorcing my father, my mother got married to a man that I'll call B. He had a daughter from a previous marriage; my mother had two daughters. B's daughter was my age, so we played sometimes; we never lived in the same house, but we did meet every now and then and we got along.
B was a decent stepfather in most ways, but certainly a really crappy one in one way: he sexually abused my sister and me. My mother did not know about this and did not find out until after her marriage to B had already ended.
It was my sister who decided to bring things out into the open; when she told me what had happened to her, I told her he'd done the same to me. But neither of us knew whether he had also abused his own daughter. And we still don't know this.
Now, 30 years later, this daughter has contacted me, asking me whether I'd like to have some photographs of my sister and me, that B took on holidays long long ago. She found the pictures while cleaning out the attic.
I'm very certain that these are normal, non-creepy holiday pics. It's very kind of her to take the time to find my email address and offer these pictures to me. I have already responded that I'd very much like the pictures and I'll gladly pay the postage for them.
I would probably enjoy catching up with her after all these years. We've not been in touch at all. There is one thing that's bothering me, obviously: I don't know what she knows or doesn't know.
I have plenty of reason not to want to talk about her father, who died 15 years ago. But I can't tell her why, without telling her something that must be horrible for a daughter to hear. I can't think of a way to find out whether she knows without telling her what he did. I don't know whether I even want to tell her, or whether it's my place to do so.
Who am I to come between a daughter and her deceased father? But on the other hand, doesn't she have the right to know who he was?
So what do I do? I think I'd like to meet her, if the opportunity arises, but it feels very awkward.
Should I avoid meeting her? What if she wants to talk about her father?
(I would ask my sister's input except that we're not on speaking terms currently.)
After divorcing my father, my mother got married to a man that I'll call B. He had a daughter from a previous marriage; my mother had two daughters. B's daughter was my age, so we played sometimes; we never lived in the same house, but we did meet every now and then and we got along.
B was a decent stepfather in most ways, but certainly a really crappy one in one way: he sexually abused my sister and me. My mother did not know about this and did not find out until after her marriage to B had already ended.
It was my sister who decided to bring things out into the open; when she told me what had happened to her, I told her he'd done the same to me. But neither of us knew whether he had also abused his own daughter. And we still don't know this.
Now, 30 years later, this daughter has contacted me, asking me whether I'd like to have some photographs of my sister and me, that B took on holidays long long ago. She found the pictures while cleaning out the attic.
I'm very certain that these are normal, non-creepy holiday pics. It's very kind of her to take the time to find my email address and offer these pictures to me. I have already responded that I'd very much like the pictures and I'll gladly pay the postage for them.
I would probably enjoy catching up with her after all these years. We've not been in touch at all. There is one thing that's bothering me, obviously: I don't know what she knows or doesn't know.
I have plenty of reason not to want to talk about her father, who died 15 years ago. But I can't tell her why, without telling her something that must be horrible for a daughter to hear. I can't think of a way to find out whether she knows without telling her what he did. I don't know whether I even want to tell her, or whether it's my place to do so.
Who am I to come between a daughter and her deceased father? But on the other hand, doesn't she have the right to know who he was?
So what do I do? I think I'd like to meet her, if the opportunity arises, but it feels very awkward.
Should I avoid meeting her? What if she wants to talk about her father?
(I would ask my sister's input except that we're not on speaking terms currently.)
Best answer: This is very hard, because on one hand you have a right to tell your story. It's admirable that you want to spare her pain, and I think that's a good objective. For now, she may just want to send the pictures and that's all. If so, great, you may want to send her a card at the holidays and that may be the sum total of your relationship.
If it turns out she'd like to meet in person then you may want to let her know what your boundaries are.
"Claudia, I have some rather unpleasant memories regarding your father and while I'd very much like to reconnect with you, I'd prefer we don't discuss him."
Hopefully you can leave it at that. But don't open that can of worms just yet.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:46 PM on February 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
If it turns out she'd like to meet in person then you may want to let her know what your boundaries are.
"Claudia, I have some rather unpleasant memories regarding your father and while I'd very much like to reconnect with you, I'd prefer we don't discuss him."
Hopefully you can leave it at that. But don't open that can of worms just yet.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:46 PM on February 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
on one hand you have a right to tell your story.
No. Dumping hurtful issues on someone else is not a "right". Putting this on her serves no purpose other than a selfish one. He's dead, and he's not going to harm anyone else, so don't promulgate the harm.
posted by smidgen at 12:52 PM on February 2, 2015 [24 favorites]
No. Dumping hurtful issues on someone else is not a "right". Putting this on her serves no purpose other than a selfish one. He's dead, and he's not going to harm anyone else, so don't promulgate the harm.
posted by smidgen at 12:52 PM on February 2, 2015 [24 favorites]
it may feel "good" or right for you to tell the entire story.. but it wont do anyone else any "good"
posted by prk60091 at 12:56 PM on February 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by prk60091 at 12:56 PM on February 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm sorry you're in this position. I'll be honest, if it was my father I wouldn't want to know, simply because that is a lot of stuff to process and with him dead there doesn't feel like a way to resolve it. It would leave her with a lot of baggage and nowhere to put it. If he was alive and still had access to children it would be different. This is all supposing that she doesn't already know.
I would meet her if you want to, and consider saying that you had a difficult relationship with her Dad and would prefer not to talk about him. If she knows about him, or if he abused her also, this may give her a reason to question you as to why or hint that she knows why. If she doesn't push it, or if you feel that you don't want to disclose the abuse and remain vague about the reason for the difficulty, she might just put it down to normal ambivalence about a stepfather relationship, especially if your mother subsequently divorced him. You could tell her that it's in the past and you'd prefer to build a relationship with her based on where you both are in your lives now.
If you feel you really need to tell her just be aware that she might not believe you because denial is a powerful thing. You would need to be ok with having no further contact from her in the worst case scenario, so make sure you have support in place for processing your own feelings about whatever the consequences of a disclosure might be. Remember you did nothing wrong in any of this so her reaction is totally her own, as is also her right. Consider also if she might contact your sister - you don't mention if they were also friendly - as she might have feelings about her abuse being shared without her consent. It's a really difficult situation so take care of yourself.
posted by billiebee at 12:57 PM on February 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
I would meet her if you want to, and consider saying that you had a difficult relationship with her Dad and would prefer not to talk about him. If she knows about him, or if he abused her also, this may give her a reason to question you as to why or hint that she knows why. If she doesn't push it, or if you feel that you don't want to disclose the abuse and remain vague about the reason for the difficulty, she might just put it down to normal ambivalence about a stepfather relationship, especially if your mother subsequently divorced him. You could tell her that it's in the past and you'd prefer to build a relationship with her based on where you both are in your lives now.
If you feel you really need to tell her just be aware that she might not believe you because denial is a powerful thing. You would need to be ok with having no further contact from her in the worst case scenario, so make sure you have support in place for processing your own feelings about whatever the consequences of a disclosure might be. Remember you did nothing wrong in any of this so her reaction is totally her own, as is also her right. Consider also if she might contact your sister - you don't mention if they were also friendly - as she might have feelings about her abuse being shared without her consent. It's a really difficult situation so take care of yourself.
posted by billiebee at 12:57 PM on February 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
No. Dumping hurtful issues on someone else is not a "right".
I'm going to respectfully disagree. While I think absolutely nothing would be served here, a survivor of sexual abuse has usually been robbed of a voice for years often to protect the feelings of others (mother, other family members) or out of downright threats.
I think it's a shitty message to continue to tell a person that her feelings and her experience are less important than the memory of an abuser or his family members.
We don't get to decide that, the OP does.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:59 PM on February 2, 2015 [83 favorites]
I'm going to respectfully disagree. While I think absolutely nothing would be served here, a survivor of sexual abuse has usually been robbed of a voice for years often to protect the feelings of others (mother, other family members) or out of downright threats.
I think it's a shitty message to continue to tell a person that her feelings and her experience are less important than the memory of an abuser or his family members.
We don't get to decide that, the OP does.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:59 PM on February 2, 2015 [83 favorites]
Mod note: Folks, very difficult issue, this should not become a debate over whether survivors have a "right" to talk about their experiences. Question is, what should the OP do in this one specific interaction.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 1:01 PM on February 2, 2015
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 1:01 PM on February 2, 2015
I think there are a lot of good reasons not to tell her. There's nothing she can do about it, she'll just have to live with it. And that's assuming she isn't already living with it.
My inclination would be to say nothing unless she seems to be trying to broach the subject. You can simply not engage if she starts talking about her father.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:16 PM on February 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
My inclination would be to say nothing unless she seems to be trying to broach the subject. You can simply not engage if she starts talking about her father.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:16 PM on February 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: If she was also abused, hearing that she wasn't the only one might be helpful to her. Whether she was abused or not, one of the concerns here is that she might react really negatively to this information. She might accuse you of lying. She might accuse you of defamation of character. If she was abused and is in denial and you tell her in person, she might even lash out physically.
The other thing is that while I understand the value of being able to tell your story and reclaim your voice, you also have a right to privacy. So I don't think you should feel obligated to tell her anything. I think if you tell her what happened, it should be based on establishing some sense of trust. I think you need to be reasonably confident that she won't somehow hurt you for having told her and entrusted her with this information. If you do not get to a point where you feel you can trust her, I think it is reasonable to first look to your own safety, and that safety includes not having people potentially talk trash about you because they don't like this ugly truth coming out.
In addition to the suggestion above to frame it as "I would prefer to not talk about him" because of normal stepdad friction, my recollection is that you have kind of a lot on your plate currently. This gives you a built-in excuse to hand-wave off anything she might say about you seeming uncomfortable or stressed out or whatever. If anything goes wrong in the conversations, chalk it up to other life events currently on-going and beg her understanding and compassion. If things get awkward, just change the subject and explain any weirdness with "current stressors."
I'm so sorry you are dealing with something so hard.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 1:18 PM on February 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
The other thing is that while I understand the value of being able to tell your story and reclaim your voice, you also have a right to privacy. So I don't think you should feel obligated to tell her anything. I think if you tell her what happened, it should be based on establishing some sense of trust. I think you need to be reasonably confident that she won't somehow hurt you for having told her and entrusted her with this information. If you do not get to a point where you feel you can trust her, I think it is reasonable to first look to your own safety, and that safety includes not having people potentially talk trash about you because they don't like this ugly truth coming out.
In addition to the suggestion above to frame it as "I would prefer to not talk about him" because of normal stepdad friction, my recollection is that you have kind of a lot on your plate currently. This gives you a built-in excuse to hand-wave off anything she might say about you seeming uncomfortable or stressed out or whatever. If anything goes wrong in the conversations, chalk it up to other life events currently on-going and beg her understanding and compassion. If things get awkward, just change the subject and explain any weirdness with "current stressors."
I'm so sorry you are dealing with something so hard.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 1:18 PM on February 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
Personally, I worry about EVERY sexual predator I hear about in one regard: they always benefit from silence.
Were he alive, there would be no question in my mind that you should speak up about it, JIC he was currently harming grandkids (or anyone else's).
As it is, it's difficult. Go with what feels right to you. Mention it if you wish, in whatever manner you wish. You should feel no onus to stay silent, nor a duty to talk about it. It's your life and past.
posted by IAmBroom at 1:20 PM on February 2, 2015 [17 favorites]
Were he alive, there would be no question in my mind that you should speak up about it, JIC he was currently harming grandkids (or anyone else's).
As it is, it's difficult. Go with what feels right to you. Mention it if you wish, in whatever manner you wish. You should feel no onus to stay silent, nor a duty to talk about it. It's your life and past.
posted by IAmBroom at 1:20 PM on February 2, 2015 [17 favorites]
Best answer: I like Ruthless Bunny's script, but I would keep aware of any attempts by her to talk about her father after that statement, and to be very gentle if she does so.
One thing to keep in mind: You appear to believe that she was not also sexually abused by her father, and indeed I hope you are right about that.
However, if she was, she may take the opportunity to feel out exactly what "unpleasant memories" may have entailed, in the hopes of... finding corroboration for her own life?
At least with your sister, you know you have one other person who will 100% believe what happened to you, and it's more obvious that he was the one with the problem, he chose to do terrible things, and it was not either of your fault, it was him.
If not her, she may know other possible victims.
If she knows nothing about it though, at this point, he's dead, and you have no need to bring it up if it would be stressful to you.
Actually, just as the rule of thumb in this situation, you are not required to damage your own mental wellbeing. If something is too stressful? Bow out.
posted by Elysum at 1:20 PM on February 2, 2015 [8 favorites]
One thing to keep in mind: You appear to believe that she was not also sexually abused by her father, and indeed I hope you are right about that.
However, if she was, she may take the opportunity to feel out exactly what "unpleasant memories" may have entailed, in the hopes of... finding corroboration for her own life?
At least with your sister, you know you have one other person who will 100% believe what happened to you, and it's more obvious that he was the one with the problem, he chose to do terrible things, and it was not either of your fault, it was him.
If not her, she may know other possible victims.
If she knows nothing about it though, at this point, he's dead, and you have no need to bring it up if it would be stressful to you.
Actually, just as the rule of thumb in this situation, you are not required to damage your own mental wellbeing. If something is too stressful? Bow out.
posted by Elysum at 1:20 PM on February 2, 2015 [8 favorites]
Best answer: If she gives you reason to believe that she only remembers him fondly, don't tell her. Not for her sake, but for yours. She could react with anger, and disbelief, and accuse you of lying out of childish jealousy or spite. She might demand details you don't want to give her, or slander you to mutual acquaintances if you have any. You shouldn't have to go through that.
If you step-sister was abused by her father, she might want to talk about it with a fellow survivor, but it also might be disastrous. It might make her feel better to learn that she is not alone. You might be the only person who ever met her father who will believe her and she might love you for it. It's also possible that if she finds out that you and your sister were also abused that she will feel responsible and blame herself for not speaking out when her father married your mother. She might just not be ready to talk about it at all, or your story might trigger memories in her that she had repressed. She might be in total denial and react with even greater fear and anger than if she hadn't been abused at all. It's hard to know how she'll react.
If she brings up her father or asks you about how you remember her father, you can say something that puts the ball in her court. "I'm really sorry but I'd rather not talk about when your father was married to my mom. It was a difficult time of my life." If she was abused and wants to talk about it, she might take the hint and question you directly.
posted by wrabbit at 1:27 PM on February 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
If you step-sister was abused by her father, she might want to talk about it with a fellow survivor, but it also might be disastrous. It might make her feel better to learn that she is not alone. You might be the only person who ever met her father who will believe her and she might love you for it. It's also possible that if she finds out that you and your sister were also abused that she will feel responsible and blame herself for not speaking out when her father married your mother. She might just not be ready to talk about it at all, or your story might trigger memories in her that she had repressed. She might be in total denial and react with even greater fear and anger than if she hadn't been abused at all. It's hard to know how she'll react.
If she brings up her father or asks you about how you remember her father, you can say something that puts the ball in her court. "I'm really sorry but I'd rather not talk about when your father was married to my mom. It was a difficult time of my life." If she was abused and wants to talk about it, she might take the hint and question you directly.
posted by wrabbit at 1:27 PM on February 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
Actually, just as the rule of thumb in this situation, you are not required to damage your own mental wellbeing. If something is too stressful? Bow out.
This x 1000. I a firmly in the camp of "you have a right to your story" but it may be more stressful than it's worth to bring this up with her.
If it were me, I would probably just ask her to mail the pictures and avoid a potentially uncomfortable meeting.
posted by pantarei70 at 2:03 PM on February 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
This x 1000. I a firmly in the camp of "you have a right to your story" but it may be more stressful than it's worth to bring this up with her.
If it were me, I would probably just ask her to mail the pictures and avoid a potentially uncomfortable meeting.
posted by pantarei70 at 2:03 PM on February 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would not reveal this to her. If he was alive I'd say it was important to protect her loved ones, but he is not.
Don't let him victimize someone else, too.
posted by beccaj at 2:09 PM on February 2, 2015
Don't let him victimize someone else, too.
posted by beccaj at 2:09 PM on February 2, 2015
Do you want to see her? You've been fine without contact for 30 years, and it doesn't sound like it was a particularly close relationship. She's effectively a stranger now - those long-ago, occasional visits, and the historical facts, are all that bind you - and only if you want them to.
If you're doing well and want to let this experience stay in the past, there's no reason for you to be pushed into revisiting it. If it turns out that she was also abused, it may be that you can offer her validation; or, as others have said, things could very well go in a number of challenging directions. If she was spared, I don't feel you necessarily owe her the truth, if it would be painful for you to share, or you think she might respond in a defensive way (and this isn't predictable, really). On the other hand, if you feel you need and want to share it, you should.
You could meet her and feel it out, or you could decline. I think the only person you owe anything is yourself. Do what you want to do.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:14 PM on February 2, 2015
If you're doing well and want to let this experience stay in the past, there's no reason for you to be pushed into revisiting it. If it turns out that she was also abused, it may be that you can offer her validation; or, as others have said, things could very well go in a number of challenging directions. If she was spared, I don't feel you necessarily owe her the truth, if it would be painful for you to share, or you think she might respond in a defensive way (and this isn't predictable, really). On the other hand, if you feel you need and want to share it, you should.
You could meet her and feel it out, or you could decline. I think the only person you owe anything is yourself. Do what you want to do.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:14 PM on February 2, 2015
If this woman has children of her own that spent time with their grandfather while he was alive, I think she really should know because there's a distinct possibility that he abused them. This will be a really hard, horrible conversation to have but one that needs to happen. I hope I'm wrong. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, I'm hoping your step sister and her family don't have to.
posted by Jubey at 2:38 PM on February 2, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 2:38 PM on February 2, 2015 [13 favorites]
My grandfather loved being a grandfather. He loved giving cookies to the neighborhood kids and doting on me. I lived right next door, so I seen him frequently. Occasionally he would need something, or we'd send something over to his house. Sometimes my so-close-best-friends-might-as-well-be-sisters would go over there to help me or my grandfather with whatever.
My best friend's family fell on hard times, by then my mother and I had moved into my grandfather's house. They asked if they could crash with us for awhile. They had been living with us for over a month when my grandfather passed quickly one night.
About a month later, one of my friends told me that he had molested her years before he died. It was said as a sort of gotcha during a big argument that started with their father and my mother. In the end, I stopped being their friend. (that wasn't the only reason, but it was a big one)
I've tried to justify it. I've tried to completely deny it. All I'm left with is doubt and anger, and I tell you it's like torture sometimes. Please do not tell your stepsister. I wish my friend had either told me when it happened or never told me.
posted by royalsong at 3:17 PM on February 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
My best friend's family fell on hard times, by then my mother and I had moved into my grandfather's house. They asked if they could crash with us for awhile. They had been living with us for over a month when my grandfather passed quickly one night.
About a month later, one of my friends told me that he had molested her years before he died. It was said as a sort of gotcha during a big argument that started with their father and my mother. In the end, I stopped being their friend. (that wasn't the only reason, but it was a big one)
I've tried to justify it. I've tried to completely deny it. All I'm left with is doubt and anger, and I tell you it's like torture sometimes. Please do not tell your stepsister. I wish my friend had either told me when it happened or never told me.
posted by royalsong at 3:17 PM on February 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
Don't disclose. I've just had someone disclose to me a disturbing thing about my own father, who died two months ago. It wasn't sexual abuse but it still shook me to my core and made me angry and hurt. There is absolutely nothing at all to be gained from telling her but everything to lose ... for her. Please. Let this be.
posted by nubianinthedesert at 3:37 PM on February 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by nubianinthedesert at 3:37 PM on February 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'd ask: does telling her do anything to make the world a better place?
posted by doctor tough love at 3:44 PM on February 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by doctor tough love at 3:44 PM on February 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
I agree with Jubey-- if there's a chance grandchildren were affected, you'd be doing her a favor by letting her know. However, I think you really are entitled to do what's comfortable for you. I find it unfair that we scrutinize the actions of abuse survivors so much. The perpetrators don't spend time agonizing over their obligations, I am pretty sure.
posted by BibiRose at 3:50 PM on February 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by BibiRose at 3:50 PM on February 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
You haven't spoken in 30 years, he died 15 years ago and out of the blue she wants to catch up and give you photos?
I will bet you that this man abused her as well and she is reaching out to see if he did the same to you.
posted by kinetic at 4:22 PM on February 2, 2015 [12 favorites]
I will bet you that this man abused her as well and she is reaching out to see if he did the same to you.
posted by kinetic at 4:22 PM on February 2, 2015 [12 favorites]
Here's the possibility tree I see if you do get together with her:
1. you tell her
2. you don't tell her.
Now if you go with 1., the possibilities are:
a. she already knew, from experience or other accusations (in which case: painful topic but, potential validation for you)
b. she didn't know or refuses to believe it, in which case: catastrophic pain for her; or possibly disbelief (horrible for you.)
So, 1. is rife with unpleasantness and a tiny outlier possibility of validation. What about if you go with (2), see her but don't tell her? Then what are you going to talk about? All you have in common with this stranger is this nexus of family history, which is rotten at its core. Why would you want to hang out with her and make pleasantries and have it gnawing at you?
I don't think the chance of 1(a) are likely enough to make this whole thing worthwhile. I think "thank you Rhonda, we should get lunch one of these days when I'm not so busy, here's my address, I so appreciate your thinking of me to send the pics" is the easiest path.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:28 PM on February 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
1. you tell her
2. you don't tell her.
Now if you go with 1., the possibilities are:
a. she already knew, from experience or other accusations (in which case: painful topic but, potential validation for you)
b. she didn't know or refuses to believe it, in which case: catastrophic pain for her; or possibly disbelief (horrible for you.)
So, 1. is rife with unpleasantness and a tiny outlier possibility of validation. What about if you go with (2), see her but don't tell her? Then what are you going to talk about? All you have in common with this stranger is this nexus of family history, which is rotten at its core. Why would you want to hang out with her and make pleasantries and have it gnawing at you?
I don't think the chance of 1(a) are likely enough to make this whole thing worthwhile. I think "thank you Rhonda, we should get lunch one of these days when I'm not so busy, here's my address, I so appreciate your thinking of me to send the pics" is the easiest path.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:28 PM on February 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would probably enjoy catching up with her after all these years. ... I have plenty of reason not to want to talk about her father, who died 15 years ago. But I can't tell her why
If you really would enjoy catching up with her, then I can see why you think it worthwhile to figure out a plan.
Nthing not telling her unless she hints pretty clearly that she needs to know.
One thing that makes it hard to answer is that I can't tell is what kind and degree of conversation you would find triggering. Such as:
-- participating in a prolonged discussion of her father's character (obviously not OK)
-- hearing her tell an anecdote that includes her father (maybe OK?)
If hearing an anecdote is triggering, then it may be better for both of you not to meet.
If hearing an anecote is not triggering, then use your discretion. If you get together and it turns out that she wants to talk about her father in more detail/length than you do, use some carefully preformulated excuse.
"Claudia, I have some rather unpleasant memories regarding your father and while I'd very much like to reconnect with you, I'd prefer we don't discuss him."
If someone told me this about my dead dad, I would feel horrible, and unable to stop imagining the possibilities.
"I'm really sorry but I'd rather not talk about when your father was married to my mom. It was a difficult time of my life."
This one wouldn't alarm me. It might seem weird and annoying if that time of your life is what she had planned on using as your springboard to current acquaintance. But if you have other kinds of catching up in mind, the conversation could still work.
posted by feral_goldfish at 6:33 PM on February 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you really would enjoy catching up with her, then I can see why you think it worthwhile to figure out a plan.
Nthing not telling her unless she hints pretty clearly that she needs to know.
One thing that makes it hard to answer is that I can't tell is what kind and degree of conversation you would find triggering. Such as:
-- participating in a prolonged discussion of her father's character (obviously not OK)
-- hearing her tell an anecdote that includes her father (maybe OK?)
If hearing an anecdote is triggering, then it may be better for both of you not to meet.
If hearing an anecote is not triggering, then use your discretion. If you get together and it turns out that she wants to talk about her father in more detail/length than you do, use some carefully preformulated excuse.
"Claudia, I have some rather unpleasant memories regarding your father and while I'd very much like to reconnect with you, I'd prefer we don't discuss him."
If someone told me this about my dead dad, I would feel horrible, and unable to stop imagining the possibilities.
"I'm really sorry but I'd rather not talk about when your father was married to my mom. It was a difficult time of my life."
This one wouldn't alarm me. It might seem weird and annoying if that time of your life is what she had planned on using as your springboard to current acquaintance. But if you have other kinds of catching up in mind, the conversation could still work.
posted by feral_goldfish at 6:33 PM on February 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: "I don't know whether I even want to tell her, or whether it's my place to do so."
It's your place to do so if you really want to do so. But better find out whether you really want to first. Once you say it you can't take it back.
"Who am I to come between a daughter and her deceased father?"
Meh...he's deceased. You're not coming between two people. Just potentially between one person and that person's image of another.
"But on the other hand, doesn't she have the right to know who he was?" She probably already knows, but this isn't really about her right to know or not know anything. It's more about your right to tell if you want to tell. You telling is up to you just like the way she reacts is up to her.
So what do I do? I think I'd like to meet her, if the opportunity arises, but it feels very awkward.
Should I avoid meeting her? What if she wants to talk about her father?
Well, her father will most certainly come up at some point because you haven't seen each other in decades and therefore if you meet you're likely to bring up things that you shared in common- one of those things being knowing her father.
I really think you need to sit with yourself and find out what it is you really want first because you don't seem to be sure what it is yet. I know what it's like to be expected to say nice things about someone who was a dirtbag and that puts a lot of stress on the person. Lying actually puts a stress on everyone when they do it (although they might not realize it at the time) but even more so on someone who was adversely affected by the thing they're lying about. So the questions then are- Is the stress of having to put up this act about her father worth re-establishing this relationship? If I do tell her, am I ok with the potential side effect of her calling me a crazy liar and never speaking to me again?
This could go either way- Either she already knows (I think this is likely) and you two might bond a bit over it- or she'll hate you for telling her whether she knows or not. You have to ask yourself whether you're ok with either scenerio playing out.
If it were me, I would look out for my own emotional health and sanity before looking out for anyone elses. I spent years being asked to speak nicely about people who were horrible to me because that's what "nice girls" do. Fuck that. I'm done with that. I know what it does to you to pretend everything's ok and that someone is an angel when they are not. So, assuming you don't mind whatever her reaction might be- if you want to bring it up then bring it up. You don't owe an image of a deceased father anything. However if her reaction WILL affect you greatly then play the possible scenerios over in your head and reconsider whether it would be healthier for you to not say anything after all. My point is- look out for you first.
posted by rancher at 6:58 PM on February 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's your place to do so if you really want to do so. But better find out whether you really want to first. Once you say it you can't take it back.
"Who am I to come between a daughter and her deceased father?"
Meh...he's deceased. You're not coming between two people. Just potentially between one person and that person's image of another.
"But on the other hand, doesn't she have the right to know who he was?" She probably already knows, but this isn't really about her right to know or not know anything. It's more about your right to tell if you want to tell. You telling is up to you just like the way she reacts is up to her.
So what do I do? I think I'd like to meet her, if the opportunity arises, but it feels very awkward.
Should I avoid meeting her? What if she wants to talk about her father?
Well, her father will most certainly come up at some point because you haven't seen each other in decades and therefore if you meet you're likely to bring up things that you shared in common- one of those things being knowing her father.
I really think you need to sit with yourself and find out what it is you really want first because you don't seem to be sure what it is yet. I know what it's like to be expected to say nice things about someone who was a dirtbag and that puts a lot of stress on the person. Lying actually puts a stress on everyone when they do it (although they might not realize it at the time) but even more so on someone who was adversely affected by the thing they're lying about. So the questions then are- Is the stress of having to put up this act about her father worth re-establishing this relationship? If I do tell her, am I ok with the potential side effect of her calling me a crazy liar and never speaking to me again?
This could go either way- Either she already knows (I think this is likely) and you two might bond a bit over it- or she'll hate you for telling her whether she knows or not. You have to ask yourself whether you're ok with either scenerio playing out.
If it were me, I would look out for my own emotional health and sanity before looking out for anyone elses. I spent years being asked to speak nicely about people who were horrible to me because that's what "nice girls" do. Fuck that. I'm done with that. I know what it does to you to pretend everything's ok and that someone is an angel when they are not. So, assuming you don't mind whatever her reaction might be- if you want to bring it up then bring it up. You don't owe an image of a deceased father anything. However if her reaction WILL affect you greatly then play the possible scenerios over in your head and reconsider whether it would be healthier for you to not say anything after all. My point is- look out for you first.
posted by rancher at 6:58 PM on February 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
It strikes me that SHE didn't hurt you, her father did - and he's dead. I just don't see what benefit you'll derive from telling your story to his daughter, a person who's not to blame in any way for what happened, but who can only feel worse than she does already after hearing your story. If she was crazy about her father it can only hurt her terribly; if she even believes it - if not, she'll definitely regret having mailed you those photos and opened contact with you. If she wasn't fond of her father, or if he also abused her, there may be some good to the two of you comparing your stories and bonding in that way, but will it really make a great difference at this late date?
It just seems like something she's not asking for and doesn't deserve any blame for, either. She's just sending you some photos she thinks you might like.
I'm so sorry, though, that you and your sister were hurt so badly by this man.
posted by aryma at 9:05 PM on February 2, 2015
It just seems like something she's not asking for and doesn't deserve any blame for, either. She's just sending you some photos she thinks you might like.
I'm so sorry, though, that you and your sister were hurt so badly by this man.
posted by aryma at 9:05 PM on February 2, 2015
I would bring it up. For all you know, she's been doubting her own memories for years.
posted by corb at 9:29 PM on February 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by corb at 9:29 PM on February 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
My father did this to someone close to me, and I'm glad I found out because it eased some of the confusion and validated creepy events that I remember. I've only ever brought it up with the person when I really felt that I needed to know and get an objective perspective of him. Maybe that's her motive. It might be even more important to her now that he's dead to add a sense of reality to her experience. But she would probably make it kind of obvious if she were hinting at wanting to know by bringing him up, asking how you felt about him, etc. I would only hesitate to tell her if she seemed like she would react negatively to this information in a way that would harm you. I wouldn't care about ruining her image of him. He already made the choice to risk that image years ago, so it's not like it's all on you.
posted by wholecornandsalt at 11:45 PM on February 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by wholecornandsalt at 11:45 PM on February 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
You seem genuinely torn here, so I think a balanced, cautious approach would be best. If I were you, I would just be honest and tell her that you want to see her, but that the bad blood between you and her father is making that difficult. That will give her an opening to talk about it if that's what she wants to do, but won't force her if she doesn't. If she wants to skirt around the issue and just focus on the good times you and she had, then I would just let her. But if she takes the bait and keeps the conversation focused on her father, then maybe it's time to let her know the truth.
posted by sam_harms at 2:54 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by sam_harms at 2:54 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: My father died when I was a teenager. I thought the world of him-- for his generation he was intelligent, open-minded, funny, kind, a hard worker, and loving. He was a good man, and he was good to us, although he wasn't without his flaws. My memories of him are slightly piecemeal, a holiday here, a story there, swimming at the beach where I got dumped by a wave and lost my arm floaties. In ways, I remember him as an idol, a myth-- because when someone is gone, you don't have the whole picture any longer. Moreover, everyone sees the same person with different eyes; sometimes people interact differently with different people. With this in mind, I try really hard not to idealize the memory of my father, and rather remember him as a whole, multi-faceted person.
The thing is, my dad, what if he had done the things B had done? He wasn't that type of person, and nothing like that ever happened... but what if? I'm sitting here, asking myself this, and asking myself what if it were my dad, and I was in the position of B's daughter-- would I want to know the truth?
The answer for me, is yes. I'd want to know if my father had harmed somebody, especially someone I cared about. If I were in the position of B's daughter, I'd want to know what had happened.
Would it help anything? No, probably not. It would hurt me tremendously. It would tarnish the memory of my father, and it would throw me into chaos, and it would cause a lot of angst and drama. But I'd still want to know. I'd want to know that my memories of this person were flawed, and who my father truly was, as ugly as that visage might be-- I'd want to face it.
I think about being B's daughter, sitting there ignorant of the things he's done, and it makes me feel worse though. Not knowing the truth about my father would make me personally feel worse. It's difficult for me to articulate why, but it's the thought of sitting there thinking this person is a great person, when really he's not, doesn't sit well inside my heart.
Had my father defrauded somebody or been terrible in other ways, I'd also want to know. I mean, personally speaking, I wouldn't want to be 'protected' from this truth; I'd be able to handle it, as difficult as it may be.
But that's just me. I can't speak for everyone, and I'm not really sure it's the right decision to tell her, here. Some people don't think that way, and those people maybe should be spared the pain. Some people should remain ignorant. Those people may also externalize that message and attack you, for it, rather than being there for you. It could turn out really badly for you and wound you if she doesn't believe you.
It's a tough situation. I think Ruthless Bunny has it, be vague about her dad and the reasons you don't have good memories-- if she pushes, or maybe hints that she has an idea, perhaps you can tell her. But don't necessarily be scared of telling the truth; sometimes the truth sets you free.
posted by Dimes at 3:24 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
The thing is, my dad, what if he had done the things B had done? He wasn't that type of person, and nothing like that ever happened... but what if? I'm sitting here, asking myself this, and asking myself what if it were my dad, and I was in the position of B's daughter-- would I want to know the truth?
The answer for me, is yes. I'd want to know if my father had harmed somebody, especially someone I cared about. If I were in the position of B's daughter, I'd want to know what had happened.
Would it help anything? No, probably not. It would hurt me tremendously. It would tarnish the memory of my father, and it would throw me into chaos, and it would cause a lot of angst and drama. But I'd still want to know. I'd want to know that my memories of this person were flawed, and who my father truly was, as ugly as that visage might be-- I'd want to face it.
I think about being B's daughter, sitting there ignorant of the things he's done, and it makes me feel worse though. Not knowing the truth about my father would make me personally feel worse. It's difficult for me to articulate why, but it's the thought of sitting there thinking this person is a great person, when really he's not, doesn't sit well inside my heart.
Had my father defrauded somebody or been terrible in other ways, I'd also want to know. I mean, personally speaking, I wouldn't want to be 'protected' from this truth; I'd be able to handle it, as difficult as it may be.
But that's just me. I can't speak for everyone, and I'm not really sure it's the right decision to tell her, here. Some people don't think that way, and those people maybe should be spared the pain. Some people should remain ignorant. Those people may also externalize that message and attack you, for it, rather than being there for you. It could turn out really badly for you and wound you if she doesn't believe you.
It's a tough situation. I think Ruthless Bunny has it, be vague about her dad and the reasons you don't have good memories-- if she pushes, or maybe hints that she has an idea, perhaps you can tell her. But don't necessarily be scared of telling the truth; sometimes the truth sets you free.
posted by Dimes at 3:24 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
Okay, disclosure time: as a kid, I was repeatedly fondled by a relative. As child abuse goes, it was relatively minor; no actual sexual acts; certainly it was more than he should been doing to me, but I know other people had it far worse.
I have never told anyone else about this.
He is long dead and gone; it stopped when I found ways to avoid him, and never be alone with him. He died a few years later, when I was a teen. I'm afraid that as a kid, I never considered "what if he's doing this to someone else?"; I merely wanted it to stop for me. Did he do it to anyone else? I've been wondering that for years now, and while I have long suspected the answer is yes, I have never asked that person. What good would do now, several decades after the fact? If her answer is yes, he did, perhaps we could commiserate with each other --- or perhaps it would just tear open long-buried wounds. But if her answer is no, he didn't, then I don't want to have her pitying me or heaven forbid not believing me --- keeping her currently good opinion of the man is not really a factor.
So my answer to you would be, no, no good can come of telling your former stepsister what her now-dead father did. Talk it over with your sister or a therapist, but let your stepsister be in peace. Just tell her thanks for thinking of you, and ask her to mail you the photos.
posted by easily confused at 6:05 AM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have never told anyone else about this.
He is long dead and gone; it stopped when I found ways to avoid him, and never be alone with him. He died a few years later, when I was a teen. I'm afraid that as a kid, I never considered "what if he's doing this to someone else?"; I merely wanted it to stop for me. Did he do it to anyone else? I've been wondering that for years now, and while I have long suspected the answer is yes, I have never asked that person. What good would do now, several decades after the fact? If her answer is yes, he did, perhaps we could commiserate with each other --- or perhaps it would just tear open long-buried wounds. But if her answer is no, he didn't, then I don't want to have her pitying me or heaven forbid not believing me --- keeping her currently good opinion of the man is not really a factor.
So my answer to you would be, no, no good can come of telling your former stepsister what her now-dead father did. Talk it over with your sister or a therapist, but let your stepsister be in peace. Just tell her thanks for thinking of you, and ask her to mail you the photos.
posted by easily confused at 6:05 AM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you would like to meet her, then by all means do so. I like the suggestions to demur on talking about her father because you have painful memories of the time. If she has bad experiences of her own, the two of you would no doubt pick up on the cues from each other on whether you want to talk about it.
posted by Gelatin at 9:49 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Gelatin at 9:49 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by annathea at 12:43 PM on February 2, 2015