To the Sex(t) Level
January 28, 2015 6:58 PM   Subscribe

I want to introduce more kink and toys to sexy time with the Mr. I need to first get over my embarrassment of kink and sex toys so that I can then apply your lessons for how to introduce kink and sex toys to the Mr.

We've been together 15 years, married 12 with two small children. Our chances for sexy time are limited, but the spark and the drive is definitely still there. But, we're definitely falling into some patterns and I want to spice things up.

But - not butt - I need to get over my snickering embarrassment of sex and my wants. I love sex but cannot talk about it for the life of me.
posted by tafetta, darling! to Human Relations (18 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

What's you question? How to talk about it with him?

Alcohol is your friend, my friend.
posted by taff at 7:12 PM on January 28, 2015 [6 favorites]

What do you find embarrassing about talking about sex? We need more info to help you!

PS: The giggling is part of the process to me, and if you get all the giggles out with your partner it can quickly turn super sexy instead of super silly. Because let's be real, sex IS ridiculous, especially the kinky stuff.
posted by Hermione Granger at 7:12 PM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

The hardest part: talking about it will probably feel really goofy and awkward. You kinda have to be okay with that.

One thing I sometimes find makes that less of a hindrance is usage of a text-based medium (IM, SMS). At least for me, reading/writing bypasses some of the "this is ridiculous" feeling.

(All sex is ridiculous. Like, objectively.)
posted by PMdixon at 7:20 PM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

Yeah, you have to be able to talk about it. I get you, because I get all anxious and dumb and unable to articulate sometimes too, especially with new or nervous territory. Don't underestimate the value of sitting next to someone, rather than looking them straight in the face, for initial nervewracking conversations.

I think a good place to start is with one of the great toy reviewers out there. I like Hey Epiphora and The Redhead Bedhead as a jumping off point. I think they model nice healthy frank talk about body parts and toys and the interface between the two. (These are very vagina/clitoris-centric reviews but both do butt toy reviews.)

Your kink might not be my kink so it is hard to know what kink, exactly, you would like to do or introduce. Sometimes that's easier to get at with video or books. Tumblr is a roiling hothouse of pirated gifs from porn, which is not nice, but when it comes to being able to point to something on your iPad and say, "that, that right there" it's hard to beat. And there are safety and consent issues with kink that it really is more appropriate to start with pointing and giggling and then talking ANYWAY so birds, stones. If you see some media you really love find it and go give someone some money for it.

Once you get through the first talk, the horrible silliness falls away as long as you don't drop it for, like, a year. Significant quantities of alcohol or other chemicals do not belong in bed, but if y'all need to have one icebreaking round of "I Never/I Wanna" that concludes in some mutual showoffy masturbation, that is certainly one way of popping the lid off that toybox for future conversations.

If you want to peruse a fairly wide selection of kinky supplies, The Stockroom is a place I've been shopping since back when you emailed them to ship you a paper catalog. There may be better, and I feel like many of the non-hardware things I see there I also see at other purveyors of more traditional items, but they are a place where you can get some things.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:28 PM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

You have to start having an open conversation with him. Take it slow. Ask him to do something in the bedroom, have him to do the same. "I want you to go down on me." "I want you to spank me." or whatever.

I've also found it useful to discuss adding things into the bedroom when you're NOT in the bedroom. If you're just relaxing on the couch, show him a sex toy you want and ask "Hey, I want to incorporate this in the bedroom, would you try it with me?" It's WAY less pressure when your clothes are on!!

Also, a website you may find helpful since it openly talks about sex, kink, and sex toys and a fun/funny way that's good for both partners to read is Oh Joy, Sex Toy. They do reviews of sex toys, kinks, sex clubs, plus tips like how to give oral, what consent means, and more! (Also often some erotic comics like the current one!)
posted by Crystalinne at 7:30 PM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

Really, it's even bringing up that I want to introduce sex toys and other amounts of kink to our relationship. Even though he gives me no reason to think this, I'm afraid he'll think I'm questioning whether he is enough for me. Or, that our sex life isn't good enough.

I would also love for him to go down on me, but I am incredibly afraid of him getting turned off by smell, etc., so I don't even ask.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 7:35 PM on January 28, 2015

Something that can help with worrying about whether a partner might think they're not enough for you is saying "I want you to do this thing" or "you are so amazing with your hands, I think it would be fun to see how well you can wield this" or similar. Place the focus on your partner, not the toy.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:41 PM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

I recently became aware that Amazon has sex stuff!!

Lots of fun to be had there. Maybe you could look around there and see if anything floats your boat?
posted by Grlnxtdr at 7:47 PM on January 28, 2015

I really like the "consume media together" method for testing the waters there, because unless you know he's super against porn, that's probably a comfortable place to find something you can chat about.

But I think it would be helpful to you to spend some time first just educating yourself about sex so that you feel secure and conversant. If you can't talk about oral sex, kink is a good ways down the line. If you don't know that you can bring up any sort of sex leveling-up without him thinking you're complaining, you're starting at basic adult sex ed. And that's fine, but start there. Don't make assumptions - including don't make assumptions that he doesn't like stuff when you don't know.

You can be matter of fact about this and say, "hey, what if we have a sex-talk date on Saturday night after the minors are safely in bed?" and he's either going to say YES PLEASE or he's not, and you can have a super simple conversation on Saturday night where you ask him if he likes going down, and you can tell him about how you feel about going down.

Stop doing the thing to yourself with the "I don't want to know how he feels because I might not like it" - that's the opposite of sex. He might think you are the bomb explosive and still be meh on pussy, and that is his right and ain't nothing about you. I once dated a guy who had a sort of pathological dislike of oral sex in either direction but told me that up front and promised he was excellent with his hands. And he was. I've known someone else who wasn't, to start with, but was an excellent student. You can't take someone else's preferences personally.

Amazon has several books of love and sex questions, and that might be a good ice-breaky place to start. Make your first goal to be to reach a point where you can both get off well. The second goal is to get each other off well. By that point, you'll be able to talk about more complicated variations on the theme.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:55 PM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

Try whispering one hot sentence that describes a low-stakes new thing for the two of you to try in his ear one night, specifically when you are not already in the middle of sexy times. If you don't know where to start with that, complete the sentence, "I want to try..." Practice the sentence out loud to yourself beforehand if it helps. And see how you feel, and how you think he feels, and what happens next time you get the chance to try it.

If you like what happens, then the time after that, whisper in his ear that you are going to raise the stakes, and then raise them a little.
posted by juliplease at 8:19 PM on January 28, 2015

Okay, for the going down thing, if you're self conscious have a shower just before bed. I'm gonna suggest he probably doesn't care as much as you do (I know my partner doesn't) but if that's what you need to do to get comfy enough to try it go ahead.
posted by geek anachronism at 8:51 PM on January 28, 2015

Ahh, I TOTALLY understand about the going down stuff. I have a lot of fear associated with that part of my body because of the potential for unpleasant smells/tastes. Three things might be helpful with that:

1. Yes, the foods you eat can impact how you smell and taste. Not in the, hey, drink pineapple juice, your pussy is gonna taste like a piƱa colada kind of way. Onions, coffee, beer, garlic, and asparagus are going to make both your urine and your body's lubricant smell and taste funky, so it is a good idea to avoid those before having someone go down on you. Other than that, thought, your natural flavor really isn't bad tasting. IME it's actually sort of yummy. But here's the thing...

2. Many dudes find the idea of going down on a woman so incredibly hot that they are obsessed with it. These guys legit do not care what you taste like. They want you. Your husband might be one of those guys. I bet he probably is. How awesome would that be?

3. One way to find out is to just ask. The hottest thing I've apparently ever done is casually walk up to my partner while he was working on something serious, wrap my arms around him from behind, and whisper in his ear in kind of a plaintive voice, "I reaaaallly want you to go down on me right now..." And then sigh meaningfully and walk away to go do something else. My dude at the time broke his chair trying to get to me after he processed what I said. It was amazing, and I HATE having people go down on me/can't orgasm from it at all. But it was hands down the thing this guy never forgot. He brings it up occasionally still, and it's been 5 years. People dig when you're direct and assertive about sex. Don't be afraid to ask.

May the sexytimes be ever in your favor!!
posted by Hermione Granger at 9:15 PM on January 28, 2015 [9 favorites]

Valentine's Day is coming up which might be a great time to try something a little out of the ordinary without having to have any other "reason" so to speak. You could, for example, get a sex toy for yourself and introduce it to your spouse. Or you could tell him (if you guys do anything for VDay) that maybe that's something you'd like from him. You might even just want to get a library-level sex book and leave it around (this one is old but good) and see if that sparks conversation. I'd encourage you to try a few things out yourself if you're comfortable with that and maybe use that as a jumping off point for discussion. But really there are a bunch of pop culture "hooks" lately from the Fifty Shades movie to the weird ad for Dominos. I think the trick is to start talking about this stuff as in "Oh hey pop culture" and then pivot the talk to "By the way..."

And I'm with the other ladies: take a shower before bed but I wouldn't sweat the smell issue much. Unless your guy has a particular thing about it, it's usually not a thing that most guys mind especially if they know they're doing something that is making you feel awesome.

But yeah just work your way up to it. Talk about your body a little bit, or talk about his body, or talk about what you like about your bodies together, etc. I think you'll have better luck and feel better about things if you ease into it. He may have the same concerns or, if he doesn't, once you get the ball rolling this should be something interesting to him. Guys like to talk about sex, generally, especially if what you have to talk to them about isn't in any way bad news.
posted by jessamyn at 9:33 PM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

Even though he gives me no reason to think this, I'm afraid he'll think I'm questioning whether he is enough for me. Or, that our sex life isn't good enough.

Reframe this for him. Tell him how pleased you are with your sex life, how encouraged you are by it and how it's something that makes you feel good and safe and loved and energized and whatever other positive attributes you feel. And because of how you feel, you want to take the opportunity to try things with him that you wouldn't otherwise feel comfortable with - because you and he are so good together.

Do you two ever discuss fantasies? Could you bring oral sex up as part of a less-attainable fantasy? Then he could either see it as "hah, yeah, I'd like to be on a private boat in the tropics for a sexy fortnight, too" or "hey, I don't have a boat, but I do have a mouth..." If you bring it up as something you think of as exciting, but not a demand, he might store that away and bring it up later, or surprise you right away, or maybe avoid it and appreciate that you've given him an out.

Mostly my suggestion is to immerse yourself in the language you want to use through media you like. Lots of good links upthread, and you might have a good women-friendly sex shop in your area that has a book selection and helpful employees (New York and Seattle have Babeland), or just go nuts with a private browser session and keywords of things you're interested in. If you can get comfortable with the language you want to use in your own head, first, it'll be much easier for you to use it in conversation.
posted by Mizu at 10:49 PM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

Scarleteen is mainly aimed at teens, but that doesn't mean you couldn't benefit from this article about how to talk about sex.
posted by Too-Ticky at 1:52 AM on January 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

a website you may find helpful since it openly talks about sex, kink, and sex toys and a fun/funny way that's good for both partners to read is Oh Joy, Sex Toy.

Seconding this - there is even a specific strip that is specifically about how to talk to your partner about introducing sex toys into your existing relationship.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:25 AM on January 29, 2015

It is entirely possible (and dare I say, likely) that your husband will find it incredibly hot that you are thinking about sex, that there you are, going about your day like a normal human, and thinking about sexy things you want to try. Many guys find that attractive and would want you to share the THING that was SO hot that you were thinking about it outside of bed-time, because then they can do that THING to you.

Do you have a favorite image or story, perhaps, that illustrates what you want? Have him read it. You can blush like a tomato and hide your face in the pillows while he looks at it if you want. It's nice and non-committal in a, oh hey, that's sexy, way that is a lot less like, "And now you should do this. Now."

Plus then the chances are high he'll be like, oh, you like THING??? I didn't know you liked THING, how often have you been thinking about THING??? Do you want me to do THING to you? And then all of a sudden you have a really hot guy talking to you about THING.

Maybe MeMail me.

posted by chainsofreedom at 6:26 AM on January 29, 2015

Suggest taking the MojoUpgrade test together! Tell him you read about it online and make it a silly thing over drinks.
posted by amaire at 7:15 PM on January 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

« Older [post-dissertation filter] Finding work while...   |   Filling in those speech bubbles.. Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.