How to stay calm/deal with guest potentially overstaying welcome.
January 13, 2015 1:51 PM Subscribe
A mutual friend has been staying with us for a week and shows no sign of leaving.
I feel terrible even writing this but it's bugging the hell out of me. I moved abroad some months ago and met a large group of people - within this group three of us decided to find an apartment together and things have generally been very good. I have felt very lucky to have befriended the roommates that I have.
One mutual friend in particular is a very loud girl (to the point where my flatmate has said she thought she was too loud at first, but liked her the more she got to know her). We generally hang out with this girl every weekend and that's fine, but admittedly there have been times in the past where she has come over and I have struggled having wanted a quiet weekend.
So now: due to a bad situation in her own flat she moved out and stayed with us for a few days in December. Now, she has been staying with us for a week. I have to say that I feel awful for saying it, but I feel very stressed purely from hearing her loud voice each day. On top of this she makes a lot of noise in the kitchen every morning (I'm talking clattering) and talks loudly on the phone. She has even set her own rules for chores which she thinks everyone should abide by and went to see an apartment in the next street (but turned it down because it was "too far away". Seriously!). She talks as though she is going to be here long-term and says there are no apartments when there are plenty.
I think perhaps part of the reason I struggled to click with her is because I was seeing this guy and during that time overheard her saying she wanted to go to a concert but only invite the guy I was seeing and his friend but not me (I realised then she liked the guy herself). Every so often, she will also give me the once over look and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I also feel semi-replaced. Her and my flatmate eat all their meals together, watch shows together, make tea for each other...and I feel very left out. This is what we always did and I now feel unwelcome.
I can't decide if I am being too sensitive or if I am justified, but I do know that I'm feeling increasingly unhappy. The worst part is my other flatmates, who are close friends with are, don't *seem* bothered. Thoughts?
I feel terrible even writing this but it's bugging the hell out of me. I moved abroad some months ago and met a large group of people - within this group three of us decided to find an apartment together and things have generally been very good. I have felt very lucky to have befriended the roommates that I have.
One mutual friend in particular is a very loud girl (to the point where my flatmate has said she thought she was too loud at first, but liked her the more she got to know her). We generally hang out with this girl every weekend and that's fine, but admittedly there have been times in the past where she has come over and I have struggled having wanted a quiet weekend.
So now: due to a bad situation in her own flat she moved out and stayed with us for a few days in December. Now, she has been staying with us for a week. I have to say that I feel awful for saying it, but I feel very stressed purely from hearing her loud voice each day. On top of this she makes a lot of noise in the kitchen every morning (I'm talking clattering) and talks loudly on the phone. She has even set her own rules for chores which she thinks everyone should abide by and went to see an apartment in the next street (but turned it down because it was "too far away". Seriously!). She talks as though she is going to be here long-term and says there are no apartments when there are plenty.
I think perhaps part of the reason I struggled to click with her is because I was seeing this guy and during that time overheard her saying she wanted to go to a concert but only invite the guy I was seeing and his friend but not me (I realised then she liked the guy herself). Every so often, she will also give me the once over look and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I also feel semi-replaced. Her and my flatmate eat all their meals together, watch shows together, make tea for each other...and I feel very left out. This is what we always did and I now feel unwelcome.
I can't decide if I am being too sensitive or if I am justified, but I do know that I'm feeling increasingly unhappy. The worst part is my other flatmates, who are close friends with are, don't *seem* bothered. Thoughts?
Talk to your flatmates without her. You three are the flatmates, not you four. Has one of them extended a long-term offer to loud friend without telling the rest of you? Or, is loud friend just taking advantage of you three not communicating well or at all?
Frankly, it sounds like she's trying to push you out of your own home. She'll only be successful if you remain a doormat about it. Talk to your flatmates and be firm. You agreed to two roommates, not three.
posted by quince at 2:02 PM on January 13, 2015 [29 favorites]
Frankly, it sounds like she's trying to push you out of your own home. She'll only be successful if you remain a doormat about it. Talk to your flatmates and be firm. You agreed to two roommates, not three.
posted by quince at 2:02 PM on January 13, 2015 [29 favorites]
I don't think you're being too sensitive. This woman sounds like kind of a jerk. I think she may be hoping to bump you out and that your flat mates may be cool with that happening. Can you ask your flat mates to clarify when they think the guest should leave and make arrangements to tell her in a way that sets this as a firm boundary? That to me would be the real test. Failing that, I think your best bet is would be to look for another place to live. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
posted by alphanerd at 2:03 PM on January 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by alphanerd at 2:03 PM on January 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yep, talk to your other official roommates. Straight-out ask whichever one invited Loud Girl: precisely how long will she be here? Get a definitive date for when Loud Girl is to be out, no extensions.
posted by easily confused at 2:05 PM on January 13, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by easily confused at 2:05 PM on January 13, 2015 [13 favorites]
Maybe this is a blessing?
You say you are being shut out. Why not move to a whole new apartment?
It seems this girl wants you room. I think you should move away from this friend/group of friends and leave all of the drama behind.
Alternatively, find things to do and go out a lot for the next few weeks until this situation resolves on its own.
posted by jbenben at 2:07 PM on January 13, 2015 [10 favorites]
You say you are being shut out. Why not move to a whole new apartment?
It seems this girl wants you room. I think you should move away from this friend/group of friends and leave all of the drama behind.
Alternatively, find things to do and go out a lot for the next few weeks until this situation resolves on its own.
posted by jbenben at 2:07 PM on January 13, 2015 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: Just wanted to clarify (if I'm allowed, am I?!) that I don't know the language of the country I am living in very well (although I am learning, though not to knowing the ins and outs of a contract level). My flatmate speaks it fluently and was able to find us a flat easily for this reason. Finding a new place would be *extremely* difficult on my own.
I can't tell if she really is trying to move in on my space or not. So it's been a little over a week. At what point do I speak to the flatmates? I just feel like I will look like a bitc*. My flatmate did say "When *insert girl's name here* moves out..." the other day so it doesn't quite seem like he's expecting her to stay.
quince: she was originally invited to stay without us being asked. He didn't think twice, and just assumed we'd all be fine with offering a friend a place for a while.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 2:11 PM on January 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
I can't tell if she really is trying to move in on my space or not. So it's been a little over a week. At what point do I speak to the flatmates? I just feel like I will look like a bitc*. My flatmate did say "When *insert girl's name here* moves out..." the other day so it doesn't quite seem like he's expecting her to stay.
quince: she was originally invited to stay without us being asked. He didn't think twice, and just assumed we'd all be fine with offering a friend a place for a while.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 2:11 PM on January 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Nope. I would not take the bait here by saying anything.
I think this is the wrong moment to call anyone out. Focus on other stuff, wear headphones in your room, get out more. Do NOT walk around being anti-social.
If you say anything, do it after feelings of anger and poor self-esteem have passed. But it sounds like it is going to resolve. So relax. Get out of the house.
Let this go.
posted by jbenben at 2:14 PM on January 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
I think this is the wrong moment to call anyone out. Focus on other stuff, wear headphones in your room, get out more. Do NOT walk around being anti-social.
If you say anything, do it after feelings of anger and poor self-esteem have passed. But it sounds like it is going to resolve. So relax. Get out of the house.
Let this go.
posted by jbenben at 2:14 PM on January 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
Yep, direct and respectful communication is your friend here.
Dealing with length of stay
Ask your roommates to talk just the three of you. During that meeting you need to:
- get clarity on the length of time that this person will be staying in the apartment.
- Express what you're comfortable with (no more than two more weeks, one more week).
- Decide what you think is a reasonable compromise if there needs to be one. If she's staying for more than a month, then she pays X towards the household expenses. If she's moving in, then she agrees to abide by certain rules and putting her name on the lease.
This must be done in person. DO NOT have these discussions via email or text. If they try to resolve these question in an email or text, tell them that you think it's better to have important conversations in person and insist on meeting in person.
When this person tries to impose rules on the household you can say, "Thanks for the suggestion. I'll discuss this with the roommates to decide whether or not this is a rule we'd like to follow as a household."
If you don't have agreed upon house rules, then you should set some with your actual roommates. Rules should be about chores, guests, food sharing, quiet times, parties, etc...You should have that conversation separately from resolving this issue. It's really not okay for one roommate to invite someone to stay for more than two nights without getting an okay from the other roommates. It was not considerate of your roommate to do this and you need to let him know that this time it's okay, since you hadn't communicated about this issue and established some agreed upon rules, but going forward he should not make decisions that impact the entire household without getting agreement from the entire household.
posted by brookeb at 2:17 PM on January 13, 2015 [8 favorites]
Dealing with length of stay
Ask your roommates to talk just the three of you. During that meeting you need to:
- get clarity on the length of time that this person will be staying in the apartment.
- Express what you're comfortable with (no more than two more weeks, one more week).
- Decide what you think is a reasonable compromise if there needs to be one. If she's staying for more than a month, then she pays X towards the household expenses. If she's moving in, then she agrees to abide by certain rules and putting her name on the lease.
This must be done in person. DO NOT have these discussions via email or text. If they try to resolve these question in an email or text, tell them that you think it's better to have important conversations in person and insist on meeting in person.
When this person tries to impose rules on the household you can say, "Thanks for the suggestion. I'll discuss this with the roommates to decide whether or not this is a rule we'd like to follow as a household."
If you don't have agreed upon house rules, then you should set some with your actual roommates. Rules should be about chores, guests, food sharing, quiet times, parties, etc...You should have that conversation separately from resolving this issue. It's really not okay for one roommate to invite someone to stay for more than two nights without getting an okay from the other roommates. It was not considerate of your roommate to do this and you need to let him know that this time it's okay, since you hadn't communicated about this issue and established some agreed upon rules, but going forward he should not make decisions that impact the entire household without getting agreement from the entire household.
posted by brookeb at 2:17 PM on January 13, 2015 [8 favorites]
"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days." - Benjamin Franklin
It's time to talk to your flatmates. My past experience with this sort of thing is that you are probably not the only person who is "concerned".
posted by doctor tough love at 2:18 PM on January 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
It's time to talk to your flatmates. My past experience with this sort of thing is that you are probably not the only person who is "concerned".
posted by doctor tough love at 2:18 PM on January 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
At what point do I speak to the flatmates?
Tonight.
I just feel like I will look like a bitc*.
You didn't rent that flat thinking there would be another person who rubs you the wrong way. You're not a bitch because you want a living space in which you are comfortable. Sit down with your flatmates and say, "So, about That Girl... How long are you* expecting her to stay? And when do we** want to start pushing her?"
* -- This gets everyone's expectations on the table without necessarily betraying your own thoughts on the matter.
** -- This makes it a collective problem and avoids your flatmates thinking, "Oh, Kat's trying to pawn this unpleasantness off on us."
I'd be willing to bet a small amount of money that at least one of your flatmates will say, "Oh, thank god, I thought I was the only one who hated her being here."
posted by Etrigan at 2:20 PM on January 13, 2015 [8 favorites]
Tonight.
I just feel like I will look like a bitc*.
You didn't rent that flat thinking there would be another person who rubs you the wrong way. You're not a bitch because you want a living space in which you are comfortable. Sit down with your flatmates and say, "So, about That Girl... How long are you* expecting her to stay? And when do we** want to start pushing her?"
* -- This gets everyone's expectations on the table without necessarily betraying your own thoughts on the matter.
** -- This makes it a collective problem and avoids your flatmates thinking, "Oh, Kat's trying to pawn this unpleasantness off on us."
I'd be willing to bet a small amount of money that at least one of your flatmates will say, "Oh, thank god, I thought I was the only one who hated her being here."
posted by Etrigan at 2:20 PM on January 13, 2015 [8 favorites]
The good news is, you don't have to move.
You can do things as a roommate that won't be looked on as weird. Invite yourself to sit down for dinner if you want. No one will think anything of it. You're excluding yourself.
I would for sure discuss with the other roommates, "Olivia's been here for over a week. She seems to be settling in and I'm not comfortable with that. I think we need to set a timeline for her to find her own space." See what happens. If there's resistance to that idea, make noises about contributions for utilities and annoyance, but don't call it rent.
As she does annoying things, ask her to stop. "Olivia, I can hear your phone call in my room, can you please keep it down?" "Olivia, I'm trying to sleep, can you not slam the cabinets please?
As for the chores, you don't have to abide. If she says anything tell her, "We have a system in place that suits us. Perhaps your new roommates will like that idea."
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:26 PM on January 13, 2015 [8 favorites]
You can do things as a roommate that won't be looked on as weird. Invite yourself to sit down for dinner if you want. No one will think anything of it. You're excluding yourself.
I would for sure discuss with the other roommates, "Olivia's been here for over a week. She seems to be settling in and I'm not comfortable with that. I think we need to set a timeline for her to find her own space." See what happens. If there's resistance to that idea, make noises about contributions for utilities and annoyance, but don't call it rent.
As she does annoying things, ask her to stop. "Olivia, I can hear your phone call in my room, can you please keep it down?" "Olivia, I'm trying to sleep, can you not slam the cabinets please?
As for the chores, you don't have to abide. If she says anything tell her, "We have a system in place that suits us. Perhaps your new roommates will like that idea."
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:26 PM on January 13, 2015 [8 favorites]
I don't get from this where this person is sleeping. You're three people in a three bedroom? More? Is she sleeping on a couch or someone else's bed or...? If she's in someone else's room then I, personally, would ask that person what their idea of the end game was. At some point it becomes everyone else's business - you've got 33% more people in a place the three of you are paying for - but that's where I'd start.
On the volume thing, both clattering around and her being on the phone, there's nothing at all ever wrong with asking someone to dial it back a bit.
posted by phearlez at 2:27 PM on January 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
On the volume thing, both clattering around and her being on the phone, there's nothing at all ever wrong with asking someone to dial it back a bit.
posted by phearlez at 2:27 PM on January 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
If this is the person you've been having dramaz with that you've posted about before (and it seems the same person) then I urge you to wait this out and let another roommate be the one to get annoyed and demand her departure.
Otherwise, Ruthless Bunny gives you some good tips and scripts for the situation, but please be careful about confronting her or anyone else.
This girl is annoying. She's going to get herself disinvited sooner or later. Let her self-destruct on her own.
Is she sleeping with the guy who asked her to stay? And then the third roommate is the one annoying girl is buddying up to?
It sounds manipulative even if I have some of those relationships wrong. I really think you should stay out of it and give it time until your other roommates get annoyed, too. Don't die on this hill. This will resolve by itself.
Note: I'm always urging folks towards the nuclear option because I'm feisty like that. I'm telling you to do the opposite here because even I realize sometimes that patience is the better strategy.
posted by jbenben at 2:47 PM on January 13, 2015
Otherwise, Ruthless Bunny gives you some good tips and scripts for the situation, but please be careful about confronting her or anyone else.
This girl is annoying. She's going to get herself disinvited sooner or later. Let her self-destruct on her own.
Is she sleeping with the guy who asked her to stay? And then the third roommate is the one annoying girl is buddying up to?
It sounds manipulative even if I have some of those relationships wrong. I really think you should stay out of it and give it time until your other roommates get annoyed, too. Don't die on this hill. This will resolve by itself.
Note: I'm always urging folks towards the nuclear option because I'm feisty like that. I'm telling you to do the opposite here because even I realize sometimes that patience is the better strategy.
posted by jbenben at 2:47 PM on January 13, 2015
If you don't have agreed upon house rules, then you should set some with your actual roommates.
Strongly agree with this. In my house, it would be very uncool to invite someone to crash longer than overnight without clearing it with the other roommates (ideally asking, not informing). I know that because we've discussed it, along with many other things, like how often visitors/parties happen, chores, SO sleepovers, etc. We talked about that kind of stuff when we first moved in together and keep talking whenever problems crop up, and because of that we do a pretty good job of managing "what should the rules be" disagreements (of which there have been many!). Frequent and straightforward communication when things are bothering you is the exact opposite of "bitchy". This is even more important if there might be some cultural differences going on (i.e. different assumptions of what is "normal" in the absence of a discussion).
If any of your roommates react badly to a calm and non-personal discussion of how this is negatively impacting you, solution(s) you're proposing, etc, they're going to be shitty roommates overall and you should really consider moving out, even with the language difficulties.
posted by randomnity at 2:55 PM on January 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
Strongly agree with this. In my house, it would be very uncool to invite someone to crash longer than overnight without clearing it with the other roommates (ideally asking, not informing). I know that because we've discussed it, along with many other things, like how often visitors/parties happen, chores, SO sleepovers, etc. We talked about that kind of stuff when we first moved in together and keep talking whenever problems crop up, and because of that we do a pretty good job of managing "what should the rules be" disagreements (of which there have been many!). Frequent and straightforward communication when things are bothering you is the exact opposite of "bitchy". This is even more important if there might be some cultural differences going on (i.e. different assumptions of what is "normal" in the absence of a discussion).
If any of your roommates react badly to a calm and non-personal discussion of how this is negatively impacting you, solution(s) you're proposing, etc, they're going to be shitty roommates overall and you should really consider moving out, even with the language difficulties.
posted by randomnity at 2:55 PM on January 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
Oh god, i've been in this situation a lot. Like, more than i ever should have. Right down to the other person seemingly being better friends with the other roommates.
The endgame seemingly always is that they eventually get tired of it too, but by then this person has been there for at least a month, if not several, and they feel really weird about "just putting them out on the street" even though you and i know that's never the case with this type of person.
The only time i've ever successfully rousted someone like this after a week or so is when i got another roommate on my side. That doesn't even have a 100% success rate, but it's where you should start. Just ask really, really open ended questions along the lines of "Hey, do you know what so and sos plan is? How long were they trying to stay here?" and see where that goes.
I don't know if i'd push anything though. I've definitely been painted as the Party Pooper or That one Guy Who Hates Our Friend before in these situations.
What i will say, and the hill i would happily die on, is after a month is when you absolutely ask "Hey, so it's been a month, are you planning to chip in on food or rent or anything? Because you're living here". How brash and mic drop you want to be about that is up to you, but pushing that one is what it took to get rid of someone like this before.
Definitely read the room though, because i could see the other roommates siding with them and not you as totally stupid as that is.
I think the thing to do here is passively ask whats up with the roommates, preferably individually, and if you're alone on this just wait for it to either run its course or get to a month. Etrigan has the right idea. Have a good answer that isn't snarky/fighty/defensive for something that's straight up like "so what's YOUR problem with her?" though.
And in the future, ugh, this is the type of thing to discuss while you're looking for a place with roommates. Each person should have veto power on kicking someone out(barring partners/SOs) and there should be a clear script for situations like this of "we need to have a house meeting if someone is going to stay for more than like 3 days".
If any of your roommates react badly to a calm and non-personal discussion of how this is negatively impacting you, solution(s) you're proposing, etc, they're going to be shitty roommates overall and you should really consider moving out, even with the language difficulties.
...Or just resign yourself to the shittiness, and accept this is how it's going to be if this is the worst problem. I put up with it, and a few other stupid things, for REALLY cheap rent a 10 minute walk from my work in an area people were paying like, 3x as much as me to live even if they were splitting places. I basically saw the crappiness as part of the rent. Do you otherwise like these people? Are there any other real problems? Is the rent/location good? It's all a tradeoff.
I wouldn't knowingly walk in to a situation like that again, but i could have walked away from it and didn't because well, i was already there, and it was cheap.
i've written about it elsewhere on here, but i got trapped in a situation like this with a terrible loud slobby offensive fuckhead for almost 6 months. He paid us maybe $200 total, and lived on our couch in a super desirable part of town eating lots of our food to the point that i started eating only takeout just so he couldn't freeload and blowing tons of money on that. He stole some of my shit when he finally moved out, too. Since apparently when he was forced to pay even partial rent, he could instantly find a place that wasn't our couch?
posted by emptythought at 2:58 PM on January 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
The endgame seemingly always is that they eventually get tired of it too, but by then this person has been there for at least a month, if not several, and they feel really weird about "just putting them out on the street" even though you and i know that's never the case with this type of person.
The only time i've ever successfully rousted someone like this after a week or so is when i got another roommate on my side. That doesn't even have a 100% success rate, but it's where you should start. Just ask really, really open ended questions along the lines of "Hey, do you know what so and sos plan is? How long were they trying to stay here?" and see where that goes.
I don't know if i'd push anything though. I've definitely been painted as the Party Pooper or That one Guy Who Hates Our Friend before in these situations.
What i will say, and the hill i would happily die on, is after a month is when you absolutely ask "Hey, so it's been a month, are you planning to chip in on food or rent or anything? Because you're living here". How brash and mic drop you want to be about that is up to you, but pushing that one is what it took to get rid of someone like this before.
Definitely read the room though, because i could see the other roommates siding with them and not you as totally stupid as that is.
I think the thing to do here is passively ask whats up with the roommates, preferably individually, and if you're alone on this just wait for it to either run its course or get to a month. Etrigan has the right idea. Have a good answer that isn't snarky/fighty/defensive for something that's straight up like "so what's YOUR problem with her?" though.
And in the future, ugh, this is the type of thing to discuss while you're looking for a place with roommates. Each person should have veto power on kicking someone out(barring partners/SOs) and there should be a clear script for situations like this of "we need to have a house meeting if someone is going to stay for more than like 3 days".
If any of your roommates react badly to a calm and non-personal discussion of how this is negatively impacting you, solution(s) you're proposing, etc, they're going to be shitty roommates overall and you should really consider moving out, even with the language difficulties.
...Or just resign yourself to the shittiness, and accept this is how it's going to be if this is the worst problem. I put up with it, and a few other stupid things, for REALLY cheap rent a 10 minute walk from my work in an area people were paying like, 3x as much as me to live even if they were splitting places. I basically saw the crappiness as part of the rent. Do you otherwise like these people? Are there any other real problems? Is the rent/location good? It's all a tradeoff.
I wouldn't knowingly walk in to a situation like that again, but i could have walked away from it and didn't because well, i was already there, and it was cheap.
i've written about it elsewhere on here, but i got trapped in a situation like this with a terrible loud slobby offensive fuckhead for almost 6 months. He paid us maybe $200 total, and lived on our couch in a super desirable part of town eating lots of our food to the point that i started eating only takeout just so he couldn't freeload and blowing tons of money on that. He stole some of my shit when he finally moved out, too. Since apparently when he was forced to pay even partial rent, he could instantly find a place that wasn't our couch?
posted by emptythought at 2:58 PM on January 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
You mentioned that Loud Person moved out because of problems in her own flat. I'm wondering whether those problems might have been self-inflicted. That might be something else to bring up with the roommates: that you don't want the same problems cropping up in your home life.
posted by orrnyereg at 3:05 PM on January 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by orrnyereg at 3:05 PM on January 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
I am wondering if this is partly a cultural issue. For instance, I had a friend who thought nothing of coming over to my house and looking in my fridge for snacks. I was weirded out, but found out that is part of her culture and very common for people to keep snacks for guests. And very common for guests to rummage in the fridge (who knew?). In my culture, we have to offer people food and snacks (and if we don't, it's considered rude).
So maybe the asking to stay for a while and such is part of that culture, and not yours? Not saying you don't have a right to be annoyed, I totally understand where you're coming from, and I would probably be annoyed at the sudden change in both the noise level and dynamics of the situation. Maybe you can ask one of your roommates what is the cultural norm? They might say, "Oh, Sally is a loud person, yes! But she's totally cool and she'll be out by the end of the month!"
Just saying, that sort of in and out and accepting of things might be a cultural thing and you should check with your flatmates before you get too upset. I'm sure they will be sympathetic and offer you some space and/or invite you to meals, if you check in with them.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 4:59 PM on January 13, 2015
So maybe the asking to stay for a while and such is part of that culture, and not yours? Not saying you don't have a right to be annoyed, I totally understand where you're coming from, and I would probably be annoyed at the sudden change in both the noise level and dynamics of the situation. Maybe you can ask one of your roommates what is the cultural norm? They might say, "Oh, Sally is a loud person, yes! But she's totally cool and she'll be out by the end of the month!"
Just saying, that sort of in and out and accepting of things might be a cultural thing and you should check with your flatmates before you get too upset. I'm sure they will be sympathetic and offer you some space and/or invite you to meals, if you check in with them.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 4:59 PM on January 13, 2015
You have every right to feel bugged by this, even without the stuff about the guy you were dating. This is annoying as hell. Is she paying rent? Beyond a certain point, she has to pay equal rent. You should bring this up to your roommates. They might just hang with her because she's around, but they may also be secretly annoyed about how loud she is or her freeloading. Talking to the flatmates when she's not around, or talk to them individually. I think it's too early to entertain the idea that you might have to let her replace her while you move out because you don't know how your housemates feel. In the end, you should set a clear end date for her stay and stick to it. Citing money gives her in out if she willing to pay, so just cite too many people in the apartment. I think a week is enough time to bring it up. "So, when is x leaving? Our apartment is starting to feel a bit cramped."
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:49 PM on January 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:49 PM on January 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
I deal with people I don't like by first fostering friendship with them, then using that friendship to adjust the situation to my favour. It also helps damper my level of annoyance with the person too.
Borrow stuff from her or ask for small favours - for some reason it will get her to like you. Compliment her appearance. Sit down and have friendly conversation about herself and her interests. Invite her to join you out for coffee (but of course only pay for your own, DO NOT let her mooch. Be smooth about that.) This will make her more open to being considerate of you - then you will have friendship leverage to ask her nicely about being a little quieter in the mornings, and bring her volume down just a little bit when on the phone.
Then if she's still there in another week you're also in a socially superior position with her and the roomies to not come off as a bitch when enquiring how much longer she's going to be there, etc.
And when you get tired of her, just stay in your room with headphones on, and keep yourself distracted by watching movies or listening to music. This is a standard method of dealing with needing alone/quiet time in a house full of people.
posted by lizbunny at 8:32 PM on January 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Borrow stuff from her or ask for small favours - for some reason it will get her to like you. Compliment her appearance. Sit down and have friendly conversation about herself and her interests. Invite her to join you out for coffee (but of course only pay for your own, DO NOT let her mooch. Be smooth about that.) This will make her more open to being considerate of you - then you will have friendship leverage to ask her nicely about being a little quieter in the mornings, and bring her volume down just a little bit when on the phone.
Then if she's still there in another week you're also in a socially superior position with her and the roomies to not come off as a bitch when enquiring how much longer she's going to be there, etc.
And when you get tired of her, just stay in your room with headphones on, and keep yourself distracted by watching movies or listening to music. This is a standard method of dealing with needing alone/quiet time in a house full of people.
posted by lizbunny at 8:32 PM on January 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
You are 100% french fried, certified reasonable. You most assuredly aren't/wouldn't be the bitch.
(And as someone who's had difficult guests/housemates -- one actually managed to shoot himself in his hand -- and is living in a country with a big language barrier, I feel your pain.)
posted by ambient2 at 1:05 AM on January 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
(And as someone who's had difficult guests/housemates -- one actually managed to shoot himself in his hand -- and is living in a country with a big language barrier, I feel your pain.)
posted by ambient2 at 1:05 AM on January 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I once had a dorm neighbour like that and lizbunny's approach did not work. In fact, when I friendly asked her to maybe not slam the door am 3 am because in case she hadn't thought of it, I was sleeping at that time, the next time, she banged it twice to make sure she really woke me up. (Girl was a real b*tch and also hated me because I didn't feel threatened by her designer clothes, since brand names mean nothing to me.)
I would take Ruthless Bunny's route and if that doesn't work... Well, let's hope it does. (If the country you're in happens to be Japan, maybe I can help.)
posted by LoonyLovegood at 8:26 AM on January 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would take Ruthless Bunny's route and if that doesn't work... Well, let's hope it does. (If the country you're in happens to be Japan, maybe I can help.)
posted by LoonyLovegood at 8:26 AM on January 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Lots of good advice upthread & you have good reason to be upset. While it was completely uncool for your roommate to invite Loud Girl to stay without talking to you, I kept having to remind myself while reading your question that it's only been a week & a half. That's not a very long time to find an apartment, & it's in your best interest that she finds a place she likes so you don't have to go through this again in a couple of months. That said, there is nothing wrong with asking how long she is planning on staying & requesting a firm departure date. YMMV, but depending on your rental agreement, if you have someone stay with you for longer than 3 weeks, you risk violating your lease and/or facing a rent hike.
In the meantime, while you are co-existing with her, feel free to ask her nicely to quiet down. She probably has no idea how loud she is. Same with anything else that bugs. You've been put in a bad position & it was inconsiderate of your flatmate to do so. Talk with your two flatmates, set some boundaries, & make sure she doesn't become a permanent guest. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 11:43 AM on January 14, 2015
In the meantime, while you are co-existing with her, feel free to ask her nicely to quiet down. She probably has no idea how loud she is. Same with anything else that bugs. You've been put in a bad position & it was inconsiderate of your flatmate to do so. Talk with your two flatmates, set some boundaries, & make sure she doesn't become a permanent guest. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 11:43 AM on January 14, 2015
Response by poster: Update: today I overheard our guest telling a friend that she would happily reside in our living room from now on. Aaarrrg! I'm going to discuss it with my roommate tomorrow - if they are comfortable with it I don't know what I'll do.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 2:41 PM on January 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Kat_Dubs at 2:41 PM on January 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just say no way.
posted by ambient2 at 7:31 AM on January 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by ambient2 at 7:31 AM on January 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by mmiddle at 2:00 PM on January 13, 2015 [3 favorites]