How to notify online contacts of a death?
December 25, 2014 1:09 AM Subscribe
I need to notify someone's online contacts that they passed away. Complications below.
I was talking with one of my dearest friends tonight. While we were complaining about Doctor Who, she received word that a cousin of hers died of a heart attack tonight. Just... one moment everything was "why can't they write better Cybermen stories?" and the next, "My cousin is dead." It was... very surreal.
She had to deal with that for a bit. When she came back, she was worried because he had a significant presence in Second Life, and she didn't want them to always wonder where he went. He had some other family, but she's the only one who would think to handle this detail. (She and I met there, so this is a topic we think about sometimes, and we talked about it a bit tonight.)
She no longer has Internet access at home, and hasn't played in a couple of years - we talk on her phone. I volunteered to take care of finding his close friends and letting them know. I know my way around in there well enough. (I also hung out with him a time or two for birthdays and stuff, but we weren't friends.)
She gave me access to enough information to find them - I was able to locate and verify his profile, and use that to figure out which places were important enough for him to keep them handy, then cross reference who had him in *their* profile. I think those bases are mostly covered. She gave me permission to offer them her real Facebook to prove that this isn't some kind of horrifying prank.
That just leaves... I don't quite know how to do this. Nobody was around tonight, what with how it's Christmas. But I don't know if I should drop people a line to contact me, or write and tell them everything, or just try to catch them in real time. I also don't want to pester her with a lot of 'how do you want me to do this' questions - she just went to bed, and is having a really hard time with this generally. I just want to make sure I take care of it as best I can, so nobody ever thinks he just vanished on them. I know I would want someone to do that for me, either if I died, or if an online friend of mine did.
Does anybody here have prior experience with this? I'm just... flailing a little.
I was talking with one of my dearest friends tonight. While we were complaining about Doctor Who, she received word that a cousin of hers died of a heart attack tonight. Just... one moment everything was "why can't they write better Cybermen stories?" and the next, "My cousin is dead." It was... very surreal.
She had to deal with that for a bit. When she came back, she was worried because he had a significant presence in Second Life, and she didn't want them to always wonder where he went. He had some other family, but she's the only one who would think to handle this detail. (She and I met there, so this is a topic we think about sometimes, and we talked about it a bit tonight.)
She no longer has Internet access at home, and hasn't played in a couple of years - we talk on her phone. I volunteered to take care of finding his close friends and letting them know. I know my way around in there well enough. (I also hung out with him a time or two for birthdays and stuff, but we weren't friends.)
She gave me access to enough information to find them - I was able to locate and verify his profile, and use that to figure out which places were important enough for him to keep them handy, then cross reference who had him in *their* profile. I think those bases are mostly covered. She gave me permission to offer them her real Facebook to prove that this isn't some kind of horrifying prank.
That just leaves... I don't quite know how to do this. Nobody was around tonight, what with how it's Christmas. But I don't know if I should drop people a line to contact me, or write and tell them everything, or just try to catch them in real time. I also don't want to pester her with a lot of 'how do you want me to do this' questions - she just went to bed, and is having a really hard time with this generally. I just want to make sure I take care of it as best I can, so nobody ever thinks he just vanished on them. I know I would want someone to do that for me, either if I died, or if an online friend of mine did.
Does anybody here have prior experience with this? I'm just... flailing a little.
I think the simplest thing to do is to write and tell them everything in a simple, gentle way, and then offer to provide more contact/info if they have follow-up questions. I think that's the way I'd like to be told. That gives them the space to process it on their own (instead of standing there trying to process it with a stranger), and then the ability to choose whether they want to talk about it more or not.
There's such a big taboo about death in our culture that it's usually thought of to be polite to signal tragic news before you outright say it, i.e. "Hi, my name is Mordax, I'm a friend of [guy] and I have some sad news to share. I'm sorry to have to tell you this but..."
Finally, I've done it, there's really no super-helpful etiquette or way to do it gracefully, death and loss just suck. So just go ahead and do it when you're ready, and don't worry about doing it "right." You're kind to inform these online friends, and it's nice that you're taking this off your friend's plate. Good luck with it.
posted by feets at 1:43 AM on December 25, 2014 [5 favorites]
There's such a big taboo about death in our culture that it's usually thought of to be polite to signal tragic news before you outright say it, i.e. "Hi, my name is Mordax, I'm a friend of [guy] and I have some sad news to share. I'm sorry to have to tell you this but..."
Finally, I've done it, there's really no super-helpful etiquette or way to do it gracefully, death and loss just suck. So just go ahead and do it when you're ready, and don't worry about doing it "right." You're kind to inform these online friends, and it's nice that you're taking this off your friend's plate. Good luck with it.
posted by feets at 1:43 AM on December 25, 2014 [5 favorites]
Often when someone dies the family will publish an obituary in some form, and these days often those obituaries are online. Included in them will usually be something like "In lieu of flowers, please donate to [charity that dead person would have supported]." Ask your friend for the details in her cousin's obit, and a link if there is one.
The online friends will want to know basically all the things that are in a typical obit. Since it seems they were on a real-name basis from the text of your question, it seems perfectly fine to let them know the sad news in brief, and then give a link to the obituary. This link can be passed around among them from people who weren't there when you were, and a lot of times people will want to donate to that charity (or whatever it is.) If there isn't an obituary yet, that's a reasonable waiting period for you.
I've never been involved in Second Life, but if there's a messaging system it would be fine to send a message with a link and ask people to send it to whoever else they think would be curious about your friend's cousin. In real life, people get the news of dead loved ones from phone calls probably more than anything else, so whatever the Second Life equivalent would be, I'm sure that's fine.
Be brief and clear, and give them somewhere to direct their condolences if they have any.
posted by Mizu at 2:38 AM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
The online friends will want to know basically all the things that are in a typical obit. Since it seems they were on a real-name basis from the text of your question, it seems perfectly fine to let them know the sad news in brief, and then give a link to the obituary. This link can be passed around among them from people who weren't there when you were, and a lot of times people will want to donate to that charity (or whatever it is.) If there isn't an obituary yet, that's a reasonable waiting period for you.
I've never been involved in Second Life, but if there's a messaging system it would be fine to send a message with a link and ask people to send it to whoever else they think would be curious about your friend's cousin. In real life, people get the news of dead loved ones from phone calls probably more than anything else, so whatever the Second Life equivalent would be, I'm sure that's fine.
Be brief and clear, and give them somewhere to direct their condolences if they have any.
posted by Mizu at 2:38 AM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
I would suggest waiting until after Christmas fwiw.
posted by fshgrl at 4:11 AM on December 25, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 4:11 AM on December 25, 2014 [10 favorites]
Best answer: I'm sorry for your friend's loss.
I was in SL a lot back in 2006-08. There were a few ways I saw deaths announced. In a few cases, a family member or close friend logged in using the person's password and contacted friends directly, often following instructions left behind. In one memorable case, a player who knew she was dying left a message to her friends as a notecard to be distributed after her death. (It was very sweet and went viral, at least in my circles.) A third way was a family member/friend disseminating a message via groups the person had been involved in.
I think telling the whole story in a one-time contact is probably the way to go, just because you will kill a lot of time waiting for people to log in, especially at this time of year, as you note. I think if it were me, I'd make a note card and set the permissions to Copy and No Mod. That way, people could pass it along and it wouldn't just be a "rumor" floating around that someone may or may not have meddled with.
In my experience, emotional bonds can be incredibly strong in SL--I actually met my RL partner there seven years ago--so it's within the realm of possibility that there will be a few people who will receive the news as if it were a close family member. Having a way to contact you outside of SL will likely be very much appreciated by some if not many.
Cheers and a hug -
posted by Short Attention Sp at 7:32 AM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
I was in SL a lot back in 2006-08. There were a few ways I saw deaths announced. In a few cases, a family member or close friend logged in using the person's password and contacted friends directly, often following instructions left behind. In one memorable case, a player who knew she was dying left a message to her friends as a notecard to be distributed after her death. (It was very sweet and went viral, at least in my circles.) A third way was a family member/friend disseminating a message via groups the person had been involved in.
I think telling the whole story in a one-time contact is probably the way to go, just because you will kill a lot of time waiting for people to log in, especially at this time of year, as you note. I think if it were me, I'd make a note card and set the permissions to Copy and No Mod. That way, people could pass it along and it wouldn't just be a "rumor" floating around that someone may or may not have meddled with.
In my experience, emotional bonds can be incredibly strong in SL--I actually met my RL partner there seven years ago--so it's within the realm of possibility that there will be a few people who will receive the news as if it were a close family member. Having a way to contact you outside of SL will likely be very much appreciated by some if not many.
Cheers and a hug -
posted by Short Attention Sp at 7:32 AM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
When the star poet from my year at IA killed herself a FB friend of hers posted the info on her wall. I arranged a memorial by contacting everyone (except for the creeper who stalked her) from our time there who I could find on FB and LinkedIn. There were a few for whom I had to contact the Alumni office.
posted by brujita at 8:56 AM on December 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by brujita at 8:56 AM on December 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I was very off-kilter last night, and kind of wanted to handle everything Right Now, but that was definitely a bad idea. I'm glad it didn't pan out, and I'm glad I asked for help from you all.
Thanks, all of you. I appreciate it. I'll go ahead and wait until the obituary is available, then follow the notecard suggestion. (I do have the means to offer RL contact with his family, and will make sure that happens.)
posted by mordax at 8:40 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
Thanks, all of you. I appreciate it. I'll go ahead and wait until the obituary is available, then follow the notecard suggestion. (I do have the means to offer RL contact with his family, and will make sure that happens.)
posted by mordax at 8:40 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by oceanjesse at 1:31 AM on December 25, 2014 [4 favorites]