Help with belligerent but not elderly Parent
December 19, 2014 8:00 AM Subscribe
My father is 58 years old and recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. He also may have issues with his colon but that hasn't been confirmed. He has become very aggresive, angry and hostile towards me and my family since the diagnosis. He has a history of acting like this in times of high stress but now he is been extra hurtful. As a result I have stopped talking to him. I feel bad about not being there for him in this difficult time but feel I still deserve respect and that he should be responsible for his words. How do I deal with this?
Throughout my life my father has been complaining about the fact that had he not been a "responsible, hard working parent" his life would have been much better. Now that he has been diagnosed with diabetes he is been extremely aggressive and constantly berates us with hurtful thoughts around that subject. Basically he is blaming his disease on us because he has had to work very hard to raise us. I am 30 years old and have not lived with my parents since I was 17 but mantain a good relationship. Nevertheless, I'd rather not talk to him as everytime I call him he says very hurtful things.
My father is not senile and I don't think he is losing his mind. In addition, I have worked very hard to support him emotionally as needed and had given him advice throughout the last 10 years about leaving his current business (he owns a small store). I feel he is still responsible for his behavior and the things that he says which honestly tend to be abusive. However, I also feel like a terrible son for not being around him during this time of duress. What is the best way to deal with these conflicting emotions?
Throughout my life my father has been complaining about the fact that had he not been a "responsible, hard working parent" his life would have been much better. Now that he has been diagnosed with diabetes he is been extremely aggressive and constantly berates us with hurtful thoughts around that subject. Basically he is blaming his disease on us because he has had to work very hard to raise us. I am 30 years old and have not lived with my parents since I was 17 but mantain a good relationship. Nevertheless, I'd rather not talk to him as everytime I call him he says very hurtful things.
My father is not senile and I don't think he is losing his mind. In addition, I have worked very hard to support him emotionally as needed and had given him advice throughout the last 10 years about leaving his current business (he owns a small store). I feel he is still responsible for his behavior and the things that he says which honestly tend to be abusive. However, I also feel like a terrible son for not being around him during this time of duress. What is the best way to deal with these conflicting emotions?
Your father is an asshole, and needs to be told as much. It's quite probable that he has no idea just how huge an asshole he is.
posted by starbreaker at 8:23 AM on December 19, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by starbreaker at 8:23 AM on December 19, 2014 [8 favorites]
I also feel like a terrible son for not being around him during this time of duress
But, this is his fault and not yours. He is the one pushing you away by being abusive. If you refused to see him while he was sick because you didn't want to deal with the stress and sadness, you might have reason to feel guilty. That is not what is happening here at all.
posted by soelo at 8:27 AM on December 19, 2014 [4 favorites]
But, this is his fault and not yours. He is the one pushing you away by being abusive. If you refused to see him while he was sick because you didn't want to deal with the stress and sadness, you might have reason to feel guilty. That is not what is happening here at all.
posted by soelo at 8:27 AM on December 19, 2014 [4 favorites]
Sorry to hear that. You can't blame yourself for his problems. It sounds like he's a difficult person, but I also wanted to mention that diabetes itself can affect mood--low blood sugar can cause anger and aggression and may be making things worse.
posted by three_red_balloons at 8:36 AM on December 19, 2014
posted by three_red_balloons at 8:36 AM on December 19, 2014
You deal with this by deciding not to take his words personally. His words are about him, not about you. Once I understood this, a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I was able to develop better relationships with some people, and to stop feeling one bit responsible or guilty about the unsalvagable ones with other people.
It's very difficult to have a parent who is abusive. You are not obligated to be a verbal punching bag. Good luck.
posted by Dolley at 8:37 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's very difficult to have a parent who is abusive. You are not obligated to be a verbal punching bag. Good luck.
posted by Dolley at 8:37 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
My father is not senile and I don't think he is losing his mind.
Are you a neurologist? He should see one, to rule out physical or chemical issues, and then if they don't find anything he needs his anxiety treated.
People don't act like that if they're okay. Now, maybe it's not fixable/improvable because he won't cooperate, but maybe it IS, and wouldn't that be preferable?
posted by Lyn Never at 8:38 AM on December 19, 2014 [5 favorites]
Are you a neurologist? He should see one, to rule out physical or chemical issues, and then if they don't find anything he needs his anxiety treated.
People don't act like that if they're okay. Now, maybe it's not fixable/improvable because he won't cooperate, but maybe it IS, and wouldn't that be preferable?
posted by Lyn Never at 8:38 AM on December 19, 2014 [5 favorites]
Right now your dad's reacting to a blow, and he's doing so violently and harmfully to anyone standing in the way of it.
I'd say you're doing the right thing by removing yourself from the fallout area. Let him calm down and allow his diagnosis to sink in a bit more. Your absence from his life might (hopefully) cause either him to think over what he's saying, or others to encourage him to do so.
When you decide you feel strong enough to step back into the danger zone then do, but I'd suggest doing so ready to step back out again, and give it more time, if you need to.
posted by greenish at 8:38 AM on December 19, 2014
I'd say you're doing the right thing by removing yourself from the fallout area. Let him calm down and allow his diagnosis to sink in a bit more. Your absence from his life might (hopefully) cause either him to think over what he's saying, or others to encourage him to do so.
When you decide you feel strong enough to step back into the danger zone then do, but I'd suggest doing so ready to step back out again, and give it more time, if you need to.
posted by greenish at 8:38 AM on December 19, 2014
There's a strong correlation between diabetes and clinical depression. (And if there's anything worse than an asshole, it's a depressed asshole.) Many of the worst complications of diabetes are the result of its effects on the nervous system. Depression is a tricky thing to pin down, but it sounds like it might be worth the effort in his case. He will likely need to be compelled in some way to seek help for depression, somewhere in the range between a gentle nudge to a solid kick in the tailbone. My guess is that he's feeling well and truly screwed right now, because he pretty much is. Whether he learns to cope any better with his circumstance will have to do partly with whether he thinks it matters to anybody else.
posted by Flexagon at 8:56 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Flexagon at 8:56 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
If his only symptom is being angry, and he's had issues with anger all his life, a neurologist likely won't have much to offer. However, if he's had a significant increase in irritability and lashing out, I am sure he could benefit from at least seeing a therapist. Problem being that this doesn't sound like a guy who's going to listen to any suggestion you have for him, because he's more interested in blaming other people for his problems than taking control of his life and making it better. (on preview, I'm pretty much agreeing with Flexagon here, although I don't think he's screwed - type 2 diabetes is very treatable for people who have the motivation…. but many people don't).
I'm sorry, OP. I don't think you can solve this problem for him and I'm glad you're protecting yourself. Part of being a "responsible, hard working parent" is taking care of oneself, it doesn't mean sacrificing your health for your children, not that living an unhealthy lifestyle is in any way necessary or helpful just because a person is busy. A therapist for you is probably the best way to help you deal with these feelings, honestly.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:58 AM on December 19, 2014 [6 favorites]
I'm sorry, OP. I don't think you can solve this problem for him and I'm glad you're protecting yourself. Part of being a "responsible, hard working parent" is taking care of oneself, it doesn't mean sacrificing your health for your children, not that living an unhealthy lifestyle is in any way necessary or helpful just because a person is busy. A therapist for you is probably the best way to help you deal with these feelings, honestly.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:58 AM on December 19, 2014 [6 favorites]
You best bet is to remove yourself from around your Dad while he is going through this. If you still want to remain in contact I'd suggest a slow fade to a level of contact you feel comfortable with, there is no need to do a dramatic declaration or anything. You don't have to be someones punching bag just because they are going through something hard, that is not the same as being supportive. Not only his he facing a serious medical situation he is most likely doing a lot of rethinking his own mortality which is most likely making him extra angry. This is not to excuse his behaviour, at his age he should be able to handle strong emotions.
As others have said low blood sugar can effect temperament, my Type 1 diabetic mother would accuse me of trying to kill her, attack me, run off & hide in the woods & all sorts of strange mental aberrations when her sugar was low when I was growing up. She has been diabetic for nearly 50 years & in my 40+ years around her I have learned to guess her sugar levels from her mood. This too does not excuse the behaviour, but may be exacerbating it.
Also remember if it's Type 2 the most common causes are diet & weight 2 things you have had no influence over. He bought this on himself, probably after warnings from doctors to change diet & exercise which he hasn't. He is mad at himself & taking it out those around him as blaming others is easier than doing what is needed to fix this or to accept that he most likely bought it on himself. This does not excuse his behaviour either.
posted by wwax at 8:58 AM on December 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
As others have said low blood sugar can effect temperament, my Type 1 diabetic mother would accuse me of trying to kill her, attack me, run off & hide in the woods & all sorts of strange mental aberrations when her sugar was low when I was growing up. She has been diabetic for nearly 50 years & in my 40+ years around her I have learned to guess her sugar levels from her mood. This too does not excuse the behaviour, but may be exacerbating it.
Also remember if it's Type 2 the most common causes are diet & weight 2 things you have had no influence over. He bought this on himself, probably after warnings from doctors to change diet & exercise which he hasn't. He is mad at himself & taking it out those around him as blaming others is easier than doing what is needed to fix this or to accept that he most likely bought it on himself. This does not excuse his behaviour either.
posted by wwax at 8:58 AM on December 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
My Uncle was like this. He was finally diagnosed as having a Thyroid problem and that 'cured' him of his bilious nature.
Have your dad checked for his thyroid levels.
Hope this helps. I was estranged from my father for the last 10 years of his life. I finally decided to reconcile and unfortunately, he passed away before I could. BOL to you.
posted by indianbadger1 at 9:23 AM on December 19, 2014 [3 favorites]
Have your dad checked for his thyroid levels.
Hope this helps. I was estranged from my father for the last 10 years of his life. I finally decided to reconcile and unfortunately, he passed away before I could. BOL to you.
posted by indianbadger1 at 9:23 AM on December 19, 2014 [3 favorites]
My first thought was like other people have mentioned-- diabetes, if it's not controlled well, could be making him act extra irritable; people that have been diagnosed have mentioned to me that they'd had a shorter fuse for a while. It may be possible to improve on that aspect but it sounds like he would have issues anyway.
Being bitter about the obligations of raising a family was a big theme with my father. He really did have a lot of burdens to bear, including the care of his widowed mother who was quite messed up in the head. He was also under tons of pressure at work. But his anger was very obvious and damaging and my siblings and I sometimes theorize that none of us have kids in large part because it seemed like it was so horrible for our parents.
In later years, he and I had a couple of discussions in which I volunteered that I understood he was angry and could appreciate how hard it had been for him, working and raising a family. After one of these talks, he wrote me a nice note of thanks. By this time, the explosive anger was kind of ground into his synapses and the discussions didn't really change things that much, but I felt better for having that out in the open. Previous to that, I had the sense he didn't understand the coolness in our relationship.
With this background in mind, I am wondering if maybe one option would be to have some kind of talk where you express that you know how difficult things are for him. And then go back to protecting your own boundaries.
posted by BibiRose at 9:35 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
Being bitter about the obligations of raising a family was a big theme with my father. He really did have a lot of burdens to bear, including the care of his widowed mother who was quite messed up in the head. He was also under tons of pressure at work. But his anger was very obvious and damaging and my siblings and I sometimes theorize that none of us have kids in large part because it seemed like it was so horrible for our parents.
In later years, he and I had a couple of discussions in which I volunteered that I understood he was angry and could appreciate how hard it had been for him, working and raising a family. After one of these talks, he wrote me a nice note of thanks. By this time, the explosive anger was kind of ground into his synapses and the discussions didn't really change things that much, but I felt better for having that out in the open. Previous to that, I had the sense he didn't understand the coolness in our relationship.
With this background in mind, I am wondering if maybe one option would be to have some kind of talk where you express that you know how difficult things are for him. And then go back to protecting your own boundaries.
posted by BibiRose at 9:35 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
Is your mother in the picture? Or a step-mom? I don't think you are obligated to talk to him at all, honestly, unless you're emotionally supporting his wife.
He sounds like a beast.
posted by feste at 10:04 AM on December 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
He sounds like a beast.
posted by feste at 10:04 AM on December 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
If your father had been a model parent for your entire life and this was his first outburst like this, you'd probably be more inclined and possibly better able to find coping strategies that would allow you to be there for him (and the neurology appointment would be a must)...but if you've grown up hearing how much better his life would've been without kids, then he's made his own bed.
I'm tempted to say you should just show him exactly what his life would be like without kids, and never talk to him again, but you have to figure out what you are comfortable with. That will probably be difficult, and may involve trial and error. You may push yourself to have too much contact, or maybe at some point you will feel at some point you over corrected and had too little. Either way, be kind to yourself, and understand that you're doing the best you can in a crappy situation you did not create.
posted by ghost phoneme at 10:46 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm tempted to say you should just show him exactly what his life would be like without kids, and never talk to him again, but you have to figure out what you are comfortable with. That will probably be difficult, and may involve trial and error. You may push yourself to have too much contact, or maybe at some point you will feel at some point you over corrected and had too little. Either way, be kind to yourself, and understand that you're doing the best you can in a crappy situation you did not create.
posted by ghost phoneme at 10:46 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
Did the anger start when he got the diagnosis, or shortly after? Anger and resentment can be a reaction to a diagnosis like this. He shouldn't, of course, be taking it out on you, but that of course doesn't mean he isn't. The classic thing to do is to tell him that, if he says hurtful things to you, you will stop talking to him. Give him one warning- "If you say anything like that again, this conversation/visit is over". Then cut him off if he goes there again.
He might be scared, and lashing out because of that. Getting a diagnosis like that can feel like confronting your own mortality, and who likes to do that? Or he may be irritable because he is trying to make some lifestyle changes that he didn't want and doesn't like. Again, he shouldn't be taking any of this out on you, but that doesn't mean he isn't.
You haven't said anything that could reasonably be interpreted as blaming him for it, have you? Even if he did make less than optimal lifestyle choices, shaming and blaming him is not going to help him now. Just because something is true doesn't mean he has to hear it now, or that he has to hear it from you. Don't give him advice on diet or exercise unless he specifically tells you he wants such advice from you. Otherwise, a closed mouth gathers no feet. If you have blamed him or given him unwanted advice, an apology from you is in order, and, of course, don't do that again.
posted by Anne Neville at 12:04 PM on December 19, 2014
He might be scared, and lashing out because of that. Getting a diagnosis like that can feel like confronting your own mortality, and who likes to do that? Or he may be irritable because he is trying to make some lifestyle changes that he didn't want and doesn't like. Again, he shouldn't be taking any of this out on you, but that doesn't mean he isn't.
You haven't said anything that could reasonably be interpreted as blaming him for it, have you? Even if he did make less than optimal lifestyle choices, shaming and blaming him is not going to help him now. Just because something is true doesn't mean he has to hear it now, or that he has to hear it from you. Don't give him advice on diet or exercise unless he specifically tells you he wants such advice from you. Otherwise, a closed mouth gathers no feet. If you have blamed him or given him unwanted advice, an apology from you is in order, and, of course, don't do that again.
posted by Anne Neville at 12:04 PM on December 19, 2014
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Your Dad sounds like a bitter asshole. He chose to bring children into the world and you don't owe him anything. You DON'T have to deal with him if he's being hurtful, and frankly, don't.
He may be looking for excuses to act badly, but that doesn't mean that they're true, or that you deserve poor treatment or anything like that.
Personally I would set your boundaries with him. "Dad, decisions you made in your life are yours to own. having children was one of those decisions. You can rail against the world as much as you want, but I'm not your punching bag. I love and respect you as a parent and I will not allow you to say hurtful things to me. I want to have a relationship with you, but if you don't want that, there's nothing I can do about it. Your disease is just a disease. It's nobody's fault. I refuse to listen to any more accusations or vitriol from you. If you want me to be there, speak to me nicely, otherwise I will be absent from your life."
You do know that he's 100% full of shit, right? Because he is.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:13 AM on December 19, 2014 [35 favorites]