Online psychological resources for sexual issues

December 19, 2014 7:53 AM

SFW version : I have no problem getting 'it' up, but I have a problem reaching climax. My basic research says it's likely psychological. So I'm looking to you guys for recommendations. The version inside is NSFW.

I'm a 40 year old hetrosexual male, and I've always found reaching orgasm with another person incredibly difficult. In my teens/twenties I used to shy away from sex because I found it too embarrassing to explain why I wasn't able to cum.

Twenty years on, and I'm much more relaxed about it, but I still want to be able to beat this. Without meaning to sound like I'm boasting, an hour of active fucking isn't uncommon, and we usually give up when we are both exhausted rather than when we are 'spent'.

Masturbating by hand (alone) isn't quick but works. Using a fleshlight (alone) is almost embarrassingly quick (around five minutes).

Sex, masturbating with a partner, or manual or oral stimulation just doesn't get me there. It happens, but probably less than 30% of the time, and it takes ages. I've had multiple partners, and it's never not been the case.

My online reading says that this is almost certainly psychological rather than physical. I have no idea if that's right, but it's certainly seems logical.

Which is why I'm turning to you guys. Right now I can't afford the time or the money to get a psychological input on this one, so I'd like to try online resources. Any suggestions?

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (10 answers total)

Just because it's "psychological" doesn't mean there's an easy way to fix it. So one approach would be: stop looking for a cure, and start using what works — the fleshlight — in sexual situations with a partner. This is the exact equivalent of the problem that a good fraction of women have — inability to reach orgasm during coitus, no matter how long it continues, for "psychological" reasons. If you're both giving up exhausted without an orgasm, your partner probably is in that group. So why not both transition, when you've had enough exercise, to his and her toys for the finale?
posted by beagle at 8:02 AM on December 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

Can your partner use the fleshlight on you? That sounds like it could be not only helpful to you reaching orgasm, but could be a ton of fun in the right hands (so to speak) for the person using it on you.

Toys aren't just for playing by yourself. There's nothing wrong with using what works along with a partner. Perfect orgasm doesn't mean tab A in slot B every single time.
posted by xingcat at 8:37 AM on December 19, 2014

If you're open to adding a sex toy, get yourself a vibrating bullet. You can pick them up for about $5, so it won't break the bank, and based on experience it might help. Most of the research that's been done has been done on women, because they're generally the individuals affected (or maybe men are more reticent to talk about it). Wikipedia has some suggestions for treatments. Also see Delayed Ejaculation.
posted by Solomon at 10:27 AM on December 19, 2014

I have a similar concern that pops up (ahem), but only in certain situations: often when I'm in bed the first few times with someone I Really Like I find it virtually impossible to finish things. It's taken some time to figure out, but really it boils down to nervousness and comfort. As the latter increases, the former decreases, and everything works out fine on a general basis. Have you explored this notion with yourself? Think about the 30% of times that you achieve orgasm, and what's different between them and the rest of the time. For me the lightbulb moment was realizing how much pressure I was putting on myself to perform, to rock their world, etc.

It's still a thing that happens, but it's stopped bothering me (which sounds like where you are), and it's easier to get through being mindful of where it's coming from. So maybe that's an avenue to look down.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:31 AM on December 19, 2014

What has your experience been trying things that work on your general anxiety level (you can reply via a mod)? I assume you've tried, but I will suggest anyhow

- sex in the morning before you're totally awake
- weed/drink/benzos to take the edge off (not too much, will have opposite effect)
- exercise to lower stress levels
- porn, toys or other outside stimuli

This is definitely a thing that happens to women a lot, you think "Oh man this is taking a while..." and then as soon as the thought enters your mind, suddenly it takes four times as long. ARARARA. Other advice you see a lot is not to worry as much about orgasm as doing a lot of things that feel good and just ... easing up and down the feelsgood ladder together. Especially as you get older, being able to have good naked sexytimes with people is sort of its own awesome thing and deserves positive attention.

lastly think about whether the old in-and-out fucking forever just isn't your thing. Maybe you just really like sex toys? Maybe you really like something you're not trying like quickies in the shower or light bondage or something else like that. Do you like it in a certain position but maybe you're too shy to ask? How about in some non-standard way? Think about what your ideal sex life would be like (and ignore the "I wish I came faster" for the time being) and see if you could adjust other things to make it more exciting and less nervewracking for you.

Other suggestions are to check your SSRIs if you're taking any and to hold off masturbating for a time to see if that has any effect.
posted by jessamyn at 10:35 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]

Masturbating by hand (alone) isn't quick but works. Using a fleshlight (alone) is almost embarrassingly quick (around five minutes).

What you describe (ie: inability to reach orgasm via anything other than your own stimulation while alone) is something I've commonly run across in articles/TEDtalks regarding addiction to porn and/or masturbating.

There was a post on the blue that touches on this sort of stuff and that you may find helpful or interesting.

There's also a movie, previously discussed on the blue, that depicts this sort of situation -- a man who can generally only climax via his own stimulation despite having sex with Scarlett Johansson. It was an entertaining movie and has received a lot of praise for its depiction of how increased use of 'unrealistic' media (like porn) can condition unrealistic expectations that affect us in ways we aren't really aware of at first.
posted by stubbehtail at 11:30 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]

Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.]

Thanks for comments...

1) I'm under no illusions that fixing a psych issue will be easy. But I know that there are some good CBT type things, and wondered if anyone knew of similar resources.

2) I'm all up for using sex toys, and love using them to help my partner reach orgasm. But, strangely, its never occurred to me to use them for my benefit.

3) Surprise sex (and morning sex) certainly helps but not always.

4) Alcohol seems to have no effect on me (long story) and I'm too much of a 'good boy' to know how/where to get other stuff. The idea of getting slightly high is incredibly appealing. I might have to investigate.

5) I'll investigate the wiki link later. Many thanks.

6) It hadn't occurred to me, but I started taking SSRIs before I lost my virginity, and I've taken it almost constantly since. I'll have a think about this and bounce the idea off my doctor.

7) I do watch porn, but it tends to bore me. I'm wary of watching it with a partner because I worry they'd think I was enjoying it, not them. The only time I've done it was when I wanted to show a bi partner IFeelMyself, and then I made sure she knew that I wasn't watching it, I was enjoying her watching it.

Thanks for comments so far (and thanks to Cortex for posting this :) )

posted by cortex (staff) at 12:08 PM on December 19, 2014

if you're circumcised, foreskin restoration may provide improvements, assuming loss of sensitivity and/or loss of erogenous tissue is a factor in your case.

A quick way to see whether this is a fruitful option is to wear a manhood for a few days and see if anything changes. If you are lucky enough to have enough loose skin that you can cover most of your glans, then a restoration cone will be better.

If you find that you experience positive changes, then there are plenty of good resources if you want to learn about how to actually grow new skin. Here is one.

Also might be a good idea to pay attention to the sensory topography of your sexual hardware. The glans, the coronal ridge, and the frenular tissue all offer very different sensations. Becoming aware of these different types of sensations, and learning how to stimulate them may offer an enhanced connection between mind and body.

I also second the suggestion for weed, though I recommend experimenting with very low doses to begin with. Also, not sure how I feel about using a drug as a permanent solution. My hunch is that, while drugs can be a wonderful way to experience life, overuse can make one too reliant on them.

And yes, SSRIs are definitely a common culprit, causing anorgasmia in both males and females. It could be as simple as that in your case.
posted by spacediver at 2:05 PM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]

If being able to come with a partner without sex toys or masturbating yourself is important, you can experiment with getting yourself 99% there via methods that work, and then switching to intercourse or oral. This can help get you used to coming in other ways. If it works (i.e. if you're able to come that way), you can start bringing yourself just 90% there, and so on.
posted by metasarah at 3:51 PM on December 19, 2014

I know something about this. MeMail me if you want to discuss.
posted by doctor tough love at 10:25 PM on December 20, 2014